Another Day with No Answers

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I’m not going to lie. I’m pretty disappointed that I didn’t hear from my doctor today. The lab technician who drew my blood said all the lab results would be back by Friday, so I wait until about 1pm and called the office. I was directed to the nurse to get the results and I left her a message and didn’t hear anything back. I could take that in a couple of ways. #1. The results didn’t come back yet (unlikely) #2. The doctor didn’t have time to actually go over the results #3. The results we abnormal and the doctor wants to speak to me himself; in other words the call would be more than a nurse telling me everything looks good.

So which one am I going with? Of course it’s #3. I want them to find SOMETHING. I feel like hell. I could sleep all day and still be tired. The thing is, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little afraid of what they might say when they call me. I do have the whole cancer at 42; death at 43 thing going on in the back of my head. I keep telling myself, though, that I just don’t think it’s that. I really think it’s something to do with my autoimmune issues, but I need some answers.

Since I did call my regular doctor and leave a message before seeing the on-call dude, she called in a referral to an endocrinologist. I missed their call to schedule and appointment, but when I called today they told me I needed to call again on Monday to schedule it. There is still the chance (and it’s a big one) that all my tests will be normal and I’ll leave this round of testing once again with no answers.

Instead of falling into a depression about feeling like crap and still having no answers, I’m going to already have an appointment with an endocrinologist lined up for a second opinion on the TSH and thyroid tests. Isn’t it sad that I’m already banking on my back-up plan? There is a part of me that got upset earlier that no one called, and I started to panic about it being a bigger issue. I just like to know. I am a researcher. I want to know what I’m dealing with and research everything I can find on it.

It’s doubtful I’ll hear anything until Monday. So I need to try and put it out of my mind (good luck with that) and move on. We had my son’s little family birthday party this evening. It was small and quiet. My in-laws and my dad and step-mother came over for pizza and cake. It was a decent event, considering how some in-law events go. I thought my brother-in-law was going to lose it when my mother-in-law mentioned that one of my three-year-old nephews needed to do sit-ups to lose weight. Um…he’s three. He’s fine! I was actually proud of my brother-in-law for standing up to her and saying that he won’t allow her to create self-esteem issues in his children. I was also pleased that I wasn’t involved.

Other than that, it was a nice little get together. I’m exhausted from cleaning the house and getting everything ready today. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep in because I have my niece and nephew here tonight, but I intend to take a nice nap once they leave at 10:30. At the moment I can hardly keep my eyes open with no sleep aids. That in itself is crazy, but I’ll take it.

 

It’s My Baby’s Birthday

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Today is my son’s birthday. He waited up until midnight so he could celebrate, and then said, “I can’t believe I’ve been alive for eleven years. That went by so quick!” He’s not kidding! It seems like yesterday when my water broke and I was concerned about taking a shower and shaving my legs before going to the hospital. Heck, I had no contractions, so there wasn’t a real issue.

When my contractions started, about a mile from the hospital, they were intense and two minutes apart. That certainly wasn’t how the woman at the birthing class explained it would be. I heard things about laboring for hours and contractions being 15 minutes apart for a day. When I got to the hospital, I was 8.5 cm dilated. I got my epidural and had my baby two hours later. I waited years to have baby and there he was.

I look back on all the things I’d do different. I was a new mom who had never changed a diaper. I’d have held him more, snuggled more. Those moments just go by so quick. I remember rocking him one evening when I was pregnant with my daughter. It was late and he really didn’t want to go to sleep. I started singing a lullabye and for whatever reason he thought one verse was the most hysterical thing ever. He had the best belly laugh. So of course I kept singing it, and we’d laugh together until I was crying I was laughing so hard.

My son isn’t an easy kid. There is no manual that came with him. He’s got terrible anxiety, puts way too much stress on himself, is insecure, and has issues with reading and learning. Things are a bit of a struggle at times. Then again, I can turn it around and tell you that my son opens up and tells me anything and everything he’s feeling. We are emotionally very close. We have the same warped sense of humor, and when he needs someone to pick him up when someone has kicked him down, he knows I’m his biggest fan. I also get him to see the best in himself (okay, that’s a work in progress), but it is happening. My wish for him is that he’d see what I see when I see him. He’s handsome, smart, funny, and friendly. He’s thoughtful and kind.

Other than the birthday…which translates to me having to rush around and clean the house with no nap, I have to figure out how to decorate and get everything done. I’m not cooking, but I still feel like I need appetizers, plates, beer, soda, etc. Oh my mother in law is bringing the cake because the needs to show the world that her cake is the best.

I had my appointment with the ENT today. He numbed my nose, stuck a think scope up my nose and down in my throat to look around. I was asked to breath, and to make humming noises so he could watch the vocal chords do their thing. He said everything looked ok, which is good news. I asked if he was able to see my thyroid and he said no, but that if there were anything like thyroid cancer, the vocal chords would be affected. So his only advice was to try not to talk as much. Um…is he for real?

I’m Italian! I yell all the time. I will be quieter when the kids go back to school, but I don’t think I’m that loud. I’ll give it a try resting my voice. I mean it’s not like I’m talking during all the extra sleep I’m getting.

I’m debating on calling for my bloodwork tomorrow. I don’t usually do it. I usually think if it’s bad they call, and if not that don’t. But this time I want to know. I want to know my numbers and next steps. I want to know if I should have a endocrinologist look at my labs to see if there is anything else that should be tested. I will worry about it all tomorrow and I will remember to ask for the numbers and then look up everything they mean. I can’t ask questions without the information.

As I’ve learned throughout this, you aren’t going to learn f you don’t ask questions. There are so many people willing to help! Just ask!

But for now the Ambien is kicking in and I’m off to bed.

 

 

Waiting for Results

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This is my week of doctor’s appointments. On Monday I saw a doctor at my primary care physician’s office (she was away, so I saw a doctor I had never met). He was thorough, I suppose, but he mainly zeroed in on my fever and the fact that I had been losing my voice for well over a month and a half. He also didn’t like that I was still coughing, but I have an asthma/allergy thing so the cough really isn’t concerning to me. It’s more of an annoyance.

He wanted to run a CBC and sent me to an Ear, Nose & Throat Specialist to have them scope my throat to take a closer look and see what was going on. He did say that my thyroid felt normal, so I guess that’s plus. I’m still banking on there being something wrong with my thyroid, though. Maybe it’s wishful thinking but I’m hoping I find something that helps my hair grow back, helps me lose weight and feel less tired. I realize that’s asking a lot. Even to get through the day without falling asleep would be awesome.

I saw my rheumatologist yesterday and he wanted to re-run all of my previous bloodwork. I did ask about some of the thyroid tests that I’ve read about, and he said that’s not how he does the tests. I joined a Facebook page for Hashimoto’s and it was recommended that I have a TSH, T3, T4 and Free T3 and Free T4. He said he doesn’t test Free T3 and Free T4, but rather he tests for the antibodies. I asked the difference, but I’ll be the first to admit I didn’t understand his answer. At first he wanted me to wait until the fall to even do the bloodwork, but then I started in with my family history and how tired I’ve been feeling, and he realized that my last tests were in March, so he did everything again.

They drew 12 vials of blood this morning, and I found myself praying they’d just find something going on. I don’t want cancer or anything serious. Heck, no one does! But I’m tired of having no answers. My rheumatologist has always been on the fence about me having rheumatoid arthritis, unlike my last rheumatologist, who felt there was no doubt.

That is one of the most difficult things about autoimmune diseases. They aren’t cut and dry. I have a high ANA level, which signifies and autoimmune issue. I agree with rheumy #2 that there is little doubt that I fit the profile for fibromyalgia, but I also see that I fit the profile for RA as well. Rheumy #2 was hesitant to agree with that at first, only because I don’t appear to look like someone with RA. I have hyper-mobility and that in itself can cause joint pain and stretched ligaments, etc. But, the main thing that rheumy #1 said that sticks with me is that RA affects your hands and fibro does not. My hands are one of the most painful areas for me during a flare.

Where fibro can be more widespread and involve muscle, RA makes my hands swell and hurt. They might not look like the RA pictures online, but they do turn red (and bright white from Raynaud’s) and they do swell.

So tomorrow is my throat scope at the ENT’s office. I’m a little nervous for that, but it can’t be that bad. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself. I am guessing I’d have most answers then and there, and if they feel the need to biopsy anything, then they’d have to schedule it. My blood tests will be in on Friday. So in the meantime, I have to sit and wait. I wish the tests were in on Thursday, that way I could call Friday morning and know they were all back and that I could discuss them with a nurse.

The only good news is that my insomnia isn’t affecting me at all. I’m practically falling asleep writing this blog. I just wanted to give a quick update before I went to bed. I will let you know as soon as I hear some news.

 

Another Flare?

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I’m staying off WebMd today. I woke up with a fever. I don’t feel too bad, though. I have a scratchy throat, but it’s not really too sore and I have that “I’m coming down with the flu” type feeling that accompanies a flare. I had a 101 fever this morning and I took some Advil to get through. Other than that it wasn’t a bad day, though I’ve been slight obsessing on all my research with the thyroid stuff.

I need to make some calls tomorrow to see if either I can make an appointment with the endocrinologist or if I still have a fever, maybe make an appointment at my primary care doctor’s office even though she’s away. I may get into the endocrinologist’s office faster if they call in the referral directly from the office. Other than that I have my rheumatology appointment on Tuesday and I’m making my list of things to go through with my doctor.

For the majority of the day I felt pretty well once I took the Advil, but this later in the day things went downhill. My SI joint is killing my (the little bones above your butt). The right side is completely locked up and I have pain all through my right hip. I also have a lot of pain in my hands and feet. I guess if I had to feel lousy, right before I go to the doctor is the best time to have that happen. There’s nothing worse than feeling wonderful when I go to see the rheumatologist after weeks of feels horrid.

I am trying to look on the bright side of feeling like crap. Is there a bright side? I’m not even sure but I’m working on finding one.

I have less than a week until my son’s birthday. Did I mention that my mother-in-law is having “her” cake person make the cake because my son likes her cake person better? Um…really? It’s cake. We usually get a cool cake for the kids and she has someone that makes them. Someone I went to high school with started her own cake business here in town and I like to give her the business and she does a fantastic job. At my daughter’s birthday she leaned over to my son (this was in March) and said, “I know you like my cakes better so decide what your theme is and I’ll get you a cake.”

First of all, I was going to get his cake at the grocery store because none of us really like fondant. Both her lady and my friend make beautiful cakes, but the crazier the styles, the more they have to use fondant. The last cake my friend made with the cats on it, I asked her to only make the cats out of fondant and that was good because no one ate the cats (I don’t even eat Easter bunnies, let alone fondant cats).

I am keeping things low key this year and we invited the family over for pizza and cake Friday night. I need to get my house in order for Friday. A few weeks ago I seemed to have more patience for them. It’s wearing thin, though. Maybe that’s true for everyone. I’ve been fairly cranky. I’m just wondering if there will come a time in my life that I won’t feel like the odd one out when it comes to my in-laws and even in most social situations. I often feel like I am on the outside, but that’s definitely true with my in-laws. I often wonder what type of person they would like because it’s certainly not me.

Anyway, I’m off to try and get some sleep so I have the energy to start cleaning the kids rooms tomorrow.

 

Been Diagnosing Myself Again

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Usually I’m the first to admit that I spend way too much time on the Internet researching my illness, but in many cases I’ve been 100% correct. Case in point, my infertility years. I read every possible thing I could get my hands on about miscarriage and ovulation and medications to make you ovulate. I diagnosed myself with PCOS despite not being glucose intolerant and went into the reproductive endocrinologist to explain my diagnosis. He agreed with me. Why? Because I know what the hell I’m talking about!

So I starting writing a blog the other night after seeing my ALS Ice Bucket challenge video. I was very upset seeing myself on video. Do I look horrid? Well, no, but I don’t look like me! My face is so puffy and I’m way overweight. All I could think about was that everyone must be thinking–wow, she didn’t age well since high school. Should I care? No! Did I? Kind of! I don’t Photoshop my pictures to impress anyone. I’m a fairly simple girl. I just want my regular clothes to fit. That’s all!

So I started writing the blog and it got me thinking about my appointment this coming Tuesday with my rheumatologist and how I need to prepare. Overall, my pain level has been significantly better in the warmer weather. I’m going to discount the week in Disney when I completely overdid it and sent myself into a terrible flare (I will come back to that in a minute, though). My main concern is the exhaustion. Lately, I will go teach my Pilates class in the morning, and I can hardly keep my eyes open on the way home. I get home and sleep for 1-2 hours, and it’s not a light nap. It’s a deep sleep, so deep, in fact, that I don’t hear the phone.

It’s pretty much the same scenario if I run to the store. I need to rest afterward. This just isn’t normal and it is getting worse instead of better. Now I’m not naive enough to think my pain level is going to stay this way when it gets colder, and I want a plan in place to deal with the winter. I can’t do another winter med-free, or periodically using pain meds. It was awful. I also don’t want to use Lyrica or Cymbalta because of their side effects of weight gain.

Given that weight gain is a big concern for me, when they both have a side effect of severe weight gain, that’s not a road I want to go down. Now gabapentin had less side effects, but I got off course while looking that up and started reading more about thyroid issues and Hashimoto’s Disease. Now my thyroid levels were in the normal range, but I happen to exhibit every other symptom of hypothyroidism. Chronic hoarse throat/laryngitis, severe exhaustion, weight gain, hair loss, sensitivity to cold, joint and muscle pain, puffy face, muscle weakness…HELLO…This is me! Going back to my Disney trip when I ran my body ragged, as I started to feel the pain, I lost my voice…completely. I couldn’t do anything more than whisper for our last two days, and then I came home and slept for 3 days straight before getting and antibiotic that was called in for a sore throat/sinus infection.

Now I need to convince my doctor that there are different ranges of normal for TSH, T3, and T4. Hashimoto’s is actually an autoimmune disease that affects the thyroid causing hypothyroidism. So then I thought, what if I don’t even have RA because I’m non-serum RA and what if my correct diagnosis is Hashimoto’s and fibromyalgia? No one is arguing an autoimmune disease. My ANA level is high. I’m sure my rheumy with do more blood work after our chat this Tuesday. I don’t actually think there will be much he can do for me, so in the art of working around him, I’m calling Monday to make an appointment with an endocrinologist.

I was feeling positive with this new direction and I figured, let me check with my aunt to see if she knows of any family history. I seemed to remember something about my grandmother taking thyroid medicine. Well, she just got back to me and as it turns out both my grandmother and my uncle (my mom’s brother) had/have hypothyroidism and my grandmother had all of the same symptoms I do. I don’t know why this made me cry. I read it after I pulled into my driveway and turned the car off and I sat there for a moment and cried.

Maybe it’s that connection. Maybe it’s that I could be on the right path to figuring out this awful autoimmune puzzle. I think I have my work cut out for me to get a doctor to treat me, even if I’m borderline, but I’m sure going to try! I will have to see how my bloodwork from this week comes out. Any recommendations on thyroid bloodwork? I’m not really on meds that would affect it. Should I go first thing in the morning? Also anyone with Hashimoto’s, please feel free to leave a comment letting me know some of your symptoms and if you were misdiagnosed in the beginning. There’s always the possibility that I have RA, Fibro, and Hashimoto’s…let’s not go there yet.

I’m focusing on the positive of having something to discuss with my rheumatologist and perhaps a new endocrinologist. I’m not stopping until I get some answers.

 

Crying for No Reason

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Did you ever want to cry for no reason? I mean nothing is really wrong. My kids are fine…I’m counting down the days until they go back to school, but that’s only because they are bickering all the time. They are healthy and happy. Work is going really well. I know I’m overwhelmed that my house is a mess and that I have a lot to do before school starts, but I don’t cry when I’m overwhelmed, nor do I want to.

So this is my dilemma tonight. I got home from my son’s football practice and I feel sad. For once I’m not stressing about how my son is doing at a sport. He actually seems to be doing quite well. Don’t get me wrong, he’s no star player, but last year he had a fear in him of being tackled or tackling someone. Since he did wrestling last winter (against every fiber of my being) he lost that fear of falling and being knocked down. I actually think that will really help him in football, and most of all he seems happy. That’s half the battle because he’s very dramatic, not on the field, but when he gets home.

There’s a mom there that I don’t particularly like. I have been nicely avoiding her and that’s been working okay for both of us. I don’t say this about many people, but she’s a nut job. We used to play Bunco in a group once a month and when it was my turn to host she showed up crying, brought her daughter’s IEP–for those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s an Individualized Education program for special education, not something people usually bring to Bunco. Most people bring wine or a dessert. Anyway, her conversation went from cry about her daughter, which I listened to for an hour, to discussing douching, to discussing her husband’s anatomy and what she was going to do to him when she got home. Now I’m not sure about your get-togethers in your neighborhood, but the rest of us stood there stunned.

No one knew what to say so the subject was quickly changed and she just didn’t get the hint making sexual innuendos for the rest of the evening. So that was strike one for crazy lady. Strike two was that her child, a daughter with special needs and my son did not hit it off. We tried to deal with it nicely and keep them away from each other in the classroom, but her daughter told the class that she and my son were dating. I’ve mentioned several times that my son has a tough time fitting in to begin with. Add to that that now he’s”dating” a girl in fourth grade that he doesn’t even like and he’ starts really getting made fun of. So he unkindly, told her to shut up and get away from him. ould he have handled it better? Yep! Should he have handled it kinder? Yep! Did he get in trouble? Yep!

BUT..the mom went on to tell everyone who would listen that her daughter was now afraid of my son because he HIT her. Funny because there were three teachers in the room and 20 students, all of whom were interviewed and NONE of them saw him hit her. My son says dumb things to fit in. I’ll be the first to tell you that, but he’s not a violent kid. He’s never hit anyone at school…aside from picking on his sisters. The principal told me that because the mom made the complaint she had to call me, but that all evidence showed that nothing happened and that the girl kept changing her story. She said my son looked genuinely upset when he was asked if he hit her and said he’d never hit her. He copped right away to saying he told her to shut up and get away from him, but that’s it. I don’t have rose colored glasses. My son did not like this girl and I really tried to get him to calm down about it. She has autism and didn’t understand his personal space and for a child like my son who has his own battles with social issues, it was a bad fit.

Anyway, I haven’t seen her since, but other moms have told me she hasn’t let it go. It’s been two years…can I get a Let It Go? So that irked me, not enough to make me cry, though.

It’s silly to think something like Robin Williams’ death would leave such a cloud over me, but I really think it has. He was such a part of my growing up. It’s a huge memory of mine watching Mork & Mindy with my Mom and Step Father and brother. All of us together as a family. We brought him into our homes and he made us laugh every week. I love the things I’ve learned about him behind the scenes that he took the time to get to know the interns and crews on the sets, etc. He seemed like a good man inside and out. Reading what his daughter said just endeared me to him more. I’m sad that he might have done this because of Parkinson’s and all the gossip that goes along with it. I’m sick of hearing that he’s a coward. I don’t believing in judging what you don’t know.

I think that is the thought that should carry over into daily life. Don’t judge what you don’t know. One of the best actors in my daughter’s play was playing a very eccentric role on the man behind the door at Oz. He was fantastic and hilarious. But as soon as my mother-in-law and sister-in-law saw him they didn’t smile once and enjoy his role. Why? Because they thought he was gay? Was he eccentric on stage? Yes. Was he backstage? Not at all. He was one of the nicest cast members I met. Guess what though, it didn’t and wouldn’t matter to me if he was gay or not. That kid had talent. Isn’t that what a show is about.

I’m all over the place tonight…still not able to cry. I kind of want to. I miss my mom and it’s not a good time for that. I feel like I need to plan that around anniversaries of her death and her birthday, but I miss her today. I was watching my daughter’s voice lesson and thinking, she’d be thrilled. Who knows. Maybe I’ll schedule some time to cry tomorrow and it will come out. So far nothing has happened but I’m feeling blue.

 

Hitting a Wall with My Exhaustion

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I’m beyond tired. I don’t think I’ve been sleeping poorly, at least not poorly for me, meaning I haven’t been up until 2 or 3AM night after night. Yet I went into the office today and I could hardly keep my eyes open. I came home around 1pm and slept until 3pm. It wasn’t just a nap, it was a sleep so sound that I didn’t even hear the phone ring.

It’s been like this for days. I’m clearly in some sort of flare and I’m trying to fight my way through it, which doesn’t seem to be helping. Tonight, after dinner, I went to my son’s football practice and walked 3 miles on the track. I took a break at the halfway point and sat down and watched practice for about 45 minutes. Then I got off my ass and walked again.

It’s funny, I’m not really bothered when I’m walking, but when I sit down after the walk and then try and get up, everything is ridiculously stiff. My lower back goes from mild pain to intense and my hips start hurting as I walk.

It’s really starting to get on my nerves. I need to lose weight. I know I’ll probably feel somewhat better if I lose weight, yet when I try to do cardio exercise, even as simple as a brisk walk, I’m in pain. It’s very frustrating, and what’s worse is I know that I’m not going to wake up in good shape to teach my class in the morning.

I know teaching the class will help me loosen up the tight muscles, but when I’m feeling like that I don’t tend to give my toughest class. I may add in some things and watch from the sidelines to keep them motivated. I can’t stand taking it easy on them because I can’t keep up. It makes me feel like crap.

I’m also starting to feel a little stressed about the whole back to school thing. My kids need more of a schedule, though I dread the early mornings. I am looking forward to not having to be a referee for their arguments all day. I haven’t done one bit of back-to-school shopping. I haven’t even looked at the school supply lists. Usually I’m done by the beginning of August so I don’t have to think about it, but this year I’ve chosen to ignore the fact that school starts in two weeks and my kids need new shoes, school supplies and a new outfit for the first day of school.

It will all get done–hopefully sometime next week. Oh and my son’s birthday is next week and I haven’t done a damn thing for that either. I told him there will be no big party this year. He’s in middle school and I’m done. And to be honest, I’m fed up with a lot of the kids he “thinks” are his friends. They just aren’t, and I don’t want to have them here for a party. He was invited to their house, and they haven’t made one effort to be his friend so screw it! I told him have two friends sleep over, we’ll do movies and pizza and then he can get a nicer gift because I don’t have to pay for a big ass party. He seemed agreeable to the idea and I don’t have to see the moms that I don’t really like, so it works out well for everyone.

I still have to figure out what the heck we’re doing on his actual birthday, though. I will figure it out next week. Right now I’m too darn tired. I’m looking for any tips or tricks that anyone out there has for dealing with the exhaustion associated with a fibromyalgia or rheumatoid arthritis flare. Honestly, I give up trying to figure out which one it is. I’ve been diagnosed with both and for the sake of arguments, let’s just say I’m having a flare. My hips and back are very sore. My feet are swelling and I’m wiped out 24/7.

I need something to help with this darn exhaustion. I’m finding ways to deal with the pain, but there’s nothing I can do when I’m sitting there falling asleep. It’s so hard to describe to anyone who hasn’t experienced it. So I’m asking my readers for help! Help a girl out with any ideas that may have helped you :)

RIP Robin Williams

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I was so sad to hear of Robin Williams’ passing today, but even more sad to learn that it was suicide. I knew he had struggled with drugs and depression, but it’s hard to understand how someone can seem to have everything and still feel alone and depressed. It reminded me very much of autoimmune diseases in that depression is its own invisible illness, and its one that so many people just don’t understand. While I have periods of feeling depressed, I struggle more with anxiety than depression, and I certainly have never felt so low as to contemplate suicide.

A person has to be in tremendous pain to feel that suicide is the best or only option. There are people online saying how selfish it is, and I get that. Yes, it is a selfish choice that leaves others behind with questions and unspeakable grief, but think of what kind of pain the person had to be in to want to take their life away. Obviously it’s more than just being upset or going through a lot. It’s clinical depression and it’s way beyond the scope of what most people can comprehend. My heart goes out to his family and I’m just finding myself feeling so sad for him tonight. He brought so much laughter and light into people’s lives and most of them never knew how badly he was suffering.

I remember when I was a kid we’d all watch Mork and Mindy as a family. He was fantastic. He just got better and better, but you can go back and watch one of those re-runs today you can see that raw talent–his ability to take a scene and run with it. He was an amazing talent and I’m finding myself feeling very sad about his passing tonight.

As for my, physically I’m not in my best shape. Little by little over the last few days my lower back and hips have started to tighten up. I have been waking up very stiff and ending the day the same way. I could hardly keep my eyes open this afternoon and ended up needing to lay down for a nap. I think my late nights at The Wizard of Oz are catching up with me. I’ve also still been fighting this sore throat on and off. It’s not bad enough to call the doctor. It kind of comes and goes, but it’s just enough to annoy me now and then…and yes, I’m still coughing.

I do have an appointment with the rheumatologist either Friday or Monday. Isn’t that pathetic. That’s how crazy life has been. I seriously need to call the office tomorrow and confirm which day my appointment is on and what time. I need to start using my phone for these things. I swear Siri hates my guts. I even asked her one day and she told me I was being irrational. I can’t stand her or that darn phone. Whenever I need something she says she’s sorry she can’t help me at the moment or she gives me some crap from Wikipedia that has nothing to do with what I needed. So much for being a smart phone!

Tomorrow I intend to teach my class and then get some work done around the house. After that I’m resting. I know my kids won’t be thrilled but they need to catch up on summer reading anyway. My son is way behind. My youngest daughter has been a bit of a pill lately, and I’m not sure what to do about it. Whenever I tell her no, she pouts and throw a fit and I’m not the type of mom that puts up with that crap. She’s been getting in a lot of trouble but nothing seems to be sinking in.

I have to figure out a new way to get through to her. I will figure that out tomorrow. I’ll put that on my To-Do list right after my nap!

Memories…

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It’s so funny how two people can have very different memories of the same exact situation. I had a former college fling contact me on Facebook last week. I hesitate to even call it a fling…it was college, wasn’t everything a fling? He was actually one of the first people I met in college and he was in a few of my classes. We hung out a lot and became friends. I remember doing a lot of things together as friends and one or two evenings in which there was a little kissing.

Anyway, that’s not the point of my post. The post is that I ended up just having a hour long conversation with him and it was so nice to catch up. Life has been good to him, which is always nice to hear. It was just funny to hear him talk about our college days and our little fling. According to him, the reason we “broke up” was because I went back to my crazy boyfriend (I’ll explain about him in a moment). According to me, he was in love with another girl that was away at another college. I thought things just never really went anywhere, and there was no real drama or breakup, we were just always friends, and then the following year we weren’t in classes together and I didn’t see him much.

The story he remembered was a day the car I was borrowing broke down. I commuted to the school and it was about an hour away. I needed my ex-boyfriend to come up and help me with the car because it belonged to his brother, and his brother wasn’t around. The plan was that he was going to call me when he got to town and I’d meet him back at the car, but in the meantime I was going to go to work with my friend Steve, who worked as a camp counselor with young kids in a day program. I had so much fun that day with the kids, until my ex-boyfriend showed up like a lunatic wanting to know if I was sleeping with Steve.

Let me giving a quick overview of my ex. I was young–very young. He was older, attractive, but extremely jealous and a bit crazy. He cheated on me and we broke up, but apparently the thought that I could be interested in someone else really bothered him. I never did go back to him, but he always seemed to be lurking around for a long time after that.

I thought Steve went back to the girlfriend, but I guess that never happened. Tonight he told me that he really wanted to date me at that time, but thought I was going back to the crazy ex. Funny how things work out when people don’t communicate. I had no idea the guy was even that interested. That’s what no self-esteem does for you! I never thought that someone like him, who I saw as this great guy, would be interested in me. I thought I had to settle for the crazy ones!

It was nice to catch up and fun to relive some memories. Hard to believe how long it’s been, but it was nice to swap stories about our lives and kids, etc. There aren’t a lot of people from my past that I’m not in contact with already that I’m dying to hear from, but I was really happy to hear from him…even if he did post a picture of me with really big 1991 hair!

Tonight was the finale of The Wizard of Oz. I am officially exhausted. I’m really proud of my daughter. I know she has a long way to go in terms of stage presence and acting, but for the first time, she wasn’t nervous or panicked going on stage, with the exception of the first night. As much as all these shows were a lot on me, I think they helped her over her fear.

My body is super tired, though. The problem is that my mind doesn’t agree with my body. I just a half an Ambien to try and get some rest. The chilly nights have also been a little tough on my arthritis. Last night my hip was pretty bad, and tonight my toe is bothering me. It’s manageable, but I’m really looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow and relaxing. I am hoping not to have to get out of bed until 10AM.

I do have to talk about a new symptom, one that I did bring up to my doctor, but he kind of shrugged off last time. My one eye feels like it gets so dry and nothing helps. It gets to the point where it feels like there is something inside of it. I know this can be a symptom of sjogren’s syndrome, which is another autoimmune disease, but my rheumatologist didn’t think it was that since it was mainly one eye. I am going to bring it up again because both eyes feel dry, but the one eye feels like something is stuck in it. No amount of drops really helps.

It’s on my to-talk-about list. My appointment is either the 15th or the 19th. I have to call Monday and confirm. I definitely will not be doing the trigger point shots again. For now I’m going to go read what I can about sjogren’s syndrome so I can tell you more about it tomorrow…and hold an intelligent conversation about it with my doctor.

I’m Dreadful Today

4369149503_845e22b820_mThat’s right…I said dreadful! Doesn’t that sound dramatic? Well, I feel dramatic. Today sucked. My kids were not on their best behavior at times. Have you ever just had a day where you feel like wherever you go you’re just being snubbed? I was totally snubbed this evening and I shouldn’t care. I know I shouldn’t care what people think of me, but I used to be friendly with some of these women so it caught me off guard.

My son’s football team is practicing at the town high school so there are a lot of people, myself included, who use the hours of practice time to walk the track. Tonight I only had an hour before I had to leave for Wizard of Oz (I’ll get to that hell in a moment) but I wanted to get in a quick walk. I was walking with my daughter and she decided she was going to sit and watch practice, which was fine with me because she was cranky as hell. In the process of saying goodbye to her and telling her to be good a few friends came onto the track and wished me a happy anniversary.

At the same time, another girl who was walking approached and everyone said hello. We all started walking and it became clear that I was not included in their walk. It was the oddest thing. Truthfully, I’m a loner and I like to listen to my music so I’m not sure why it’s bothering me so much, but I think maybe it was the way it was done. The four of us were walking in a line and then they just started walking faster, so I slowed down to make life easier.

I have felt a bit of a cold shoulder from the one I’ll refer to as the “main” girl since football began and I’m not sure why. She’s always been nice to me and she’s very funny. I have nothing but nice things to say about her, but I get the feeling that’s not mutual. So now I’m sitting here like a high school kid wondering why people hate me. I’m 42…someone tell me to grow up! But do we ever really stop letting stupid things like this hurt our feelings? I mean, to a point I stopped caring what people think of me a long time ago. I don’t seek out people’s approval. I stopped trying to get my in-laws to like me years ago.

So now I’m bothered about why this is bothering me! This girl is not a close friend so it’s not that. I think it’s that I don’t know what I did. I’ve made the decision, though, to write this blog about it and then let it go because I don’t have time to worry about it. I think it just sucks to be ostracized.

I went from that fun to The Wizard of Oz and it was not fun tonight. I’m starting to really not like about 6 of the kids. Actually it’s 3, but 6 were bad tonight. They were awful! They wouldn’t be quiet backstage. A few of them jumped on stage before their scene, while others were busy playing with the set or each other’s hats during the performance. There is this one girl that was holding a large lollipop that’s used in the Lollipop Guild part of the Munchkin scene and she was waving it in front of this guy’s face. I told her about 7 times to knock it off, and I took it away from her twice. She kept going back and getting a different one. I actually asked her if she thought I was stupid tonight. Let’s just say my patience was not at an all-time high this evening.

I just took a half an Ambien because I knew I’d have no chance of getting any sleep. I don’t like my husband. I hardly got a phone call, let alone flowers for our anniversary. Oh but supposedly he told my son to have me call when I got home from Wizard of Oz. I sent him a text thanking him for acknowledging the day…passive aggressive and unkind…okay, yes. But dammit, I’ve been through a lot of hell during these 15 years. We’re not really gift people. I don’t need anything. I’m not a jewelry person, but I thought since he was away he’d at least send flowers, but no. Would you like to know who showed up with flowers? My mother-in-law! She said, “Since Joe isn’t here to get you flowers, I wanted to come by with some.” I’m telling you she’s really been shocking me lately. Even 4 years ago that never would have happened. When I was going through infertility treatments and all my miscarriages, I remember at one point my husband asked her to reach out to me because I don’t have my own mom here to help me through it. My mother-in-law called me once to talk, and I think she tried to listen but kept relating things to when she worked at a gynecologist’s office 30 years earlier. It wasn’t an easy conversation because she doesn’t listen well, but it meant something to me that she reached out (even if she was asked to). I thought maybe that’s the beginning of her being there for me. She never called again to talk and they really just never asked about it.

Now I know having gone through several miscarriages that people don’t know whether to bring it up or not. They worry to ask about it and don’t want to further upset you. I get it, and there are days that there is no right answer, but I think as long as you show that you care and you are there and interested, that’s all anyone could want.

I did take my kids out to lunch today. They wanted to go to Olive Garden. We did have a nice lunch, with the exception of my youngest, who wasn’t thrilled with her mac & cheese, but she seemed off today. She was pretty cranky. She even turned down dessert. The other two enjoyed their meals and we talked about my wedding and family. I try and talk to them a lot about my mother and how much she’d have loved them. They like to hear stories from when I was growing up. Despite some bickering in the car, we really did have a nice lunch. There is nothing more important that has come out of my marriage than my children. They are so different. They all have their our quirks and needs, and abilities, but I couldn’t be more proud of them. None of them have an easy road ahead. I have two with reading issues, two with social issues, and one that’s very shy (yes some have more than one issue). But they have me, and I don’t intend to let them down. My job is to build them up (realistically) because there are enough people in life that are ready to tear you down.

On to my RA. Really all I’ve been doing other than my class is walking and my hip flexor muscles (the ones along the front of the hips) are really sore. The good news is that I just started so hopefully they’ll get better. Also, I just bought heat for the pool so once it is warm enough, I’ll be able to exercise in that more. It’s just been too cold here. It doesn’t even feel like summer. I was out tonight in a sweatshirt and I was freezing. It’s August 7th! It should not be this cold already. Where the heck is our heat wave? I’m still waiting!!

Anyway, this blog is getting long again so I should probably end it before my Ambien kicks in and I start shopping. I didn’t get anything for my anniversary and that would tend to mean I’d buy something for the cats. They’d benefit from my loss. Tomorrow is another day.

I hope your day was better than mine!

 

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