Wish I Had a Xanax


I need to call in a refill for my Xanax tomorrow. My daughters are auditioning for the Nutcracker. It’s the third year for my older daughter and the second year for my younger daughter. I vented the other night that they have been working with the daughter of a friend of mine to prepare for the audition (at least I think I did) and they were super annoying, but tonight they were amazing. They each know what they are going to do for their 30 seconds along time. I just need them to remember to smile. My older daughter is shy and serious, but a beautiful dancer. She just needs to crack a smile.

I need to pop a xanax while watching the one hour audition. First they teach the girls choreography and then they have them run that in groups of four. My little one is a loose cannon during this part. It’s hit or miss whether she picks up the choreography. I’ll be praying. And if my loose cannon doesn’t get nervous and can actually be her fun self on stage, I know she’ll do great, too. It’s so stressful! I know they’ll both get in because they were in it last year and they both did well.

It’s really my older daughter that’s the big concern. My little one wants to be a Scurry Mouse. There isn’t a whole lot of technique in that role, and she gets to be scary. She’s perfect, and it’s right for her age group. My older daughter is 9 and that’s a tough age because there aren’t many real ballet roles and there are a lot of kids. If you can spare some positive vibes, send them our way. OMG, I’m a dance mom! Last year, there was a crazy dance mom who volunteered with me all the time. I have less patience this year. I’m not sure I can handle her again.

I have a new favorite show that is a guilty pleasure. It’s called Kim of Queens. It’s hilarious. If you haven’t seen it, it comes on right after the crazy Dance Mom show, and it’s about this pageant lady that trains girls to be in pageants. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not for pageants in any way. They just aren’t something I’d want my girls to do, but this show was downright hysterical. What I did like was that all the girls weren’t skinny and fake. She had real girls, and they were all Southern and some of them had terrible manners. It is not going to win an Emmy or anything, but it was fun! I’ll schedule that in between Breaking Amish and the other nonsense I watch.

Tonight I’m working on a migraine. I’m sitting here with ice–again. I’m debating on getting up to actually take an Excedrin. I skipped a birth control pill accidentally and that is a big trigger for a migraine for me. So I can blame myself for this one. I’m not sure I can blame myself for the shoulder and joint pain, though. I’m pretty sure that has nothing to do with my class at the gym. It seems more like the cooler weather is causing my rheumatoid arthritis to give me more pain. It’s odd. I usually don’t have pain in my shoulder joint. That’s a new one for me, but I guess RA has no boundaries. No joint is immune.

Okay, this is going to end quick tonight because I need to try and get some sleep.


Good News, But I’m Still Grouchy


Good news first. I got a call first thing this morning that my ultrasound was completely normal. I shed a few tears on my way to teach my class, and then I found myself in a complete exhaustion for the rest of the day. I don’t know whether it’s that I worked myself up too much yesterday, or it’s the cold and rainy weather getting the best of me.

I wasn’t in terrible pain. I’d go with mildly stiff. At the moment my shoulders and neck are sore and my back and hip are in pain. My hands have been bothering me, too, but nothing unbearable. I slept most of the day away and I feel a little bad and lazy because of it, but I need to let that go.

Tomorrow I’m back at the pediatrician’s office and hopefully I’ll be good enough when I get home that I won’t need a major nap and I can actually get some things done around the house.

Tomorrow night is the only night this week that I don’t have to be out of the house doing something. I have my son’s open house on Thursday and Nutcracker auditions with my girls on Friday. My younger daughter may send me over the edge between now and then. She wants to do Nutcracker. She loved every moment of it last year, but she’s being a pain in the ass about the tryouts. She is saying she is nervous, which is fine. She doesn’t have to do it this year if she doesn’t want to, but rolling around on the floor during a practice session and completely ignoring the girl who is there to help is not acceptable.

So I’m grouchy. I’m grouchy that my house is a mess. There is a leak somewhere in my wall. I got a letter from the company that supplied this ice machine for my foot when I had surgery requesting the $11,000 that we owe them. I almost keeled over. It was explained to us that they would only go through insurance and there would be no outside cost to us. It was a machine to keep my foot cold for two weeks. Eleven thousand dollars! I feel like I can’t win. My insurance sucks so bad. Every time I got for blood work for my autoimmune stuff it runs about $800-$1,000.

I’m actually going to break down and look into the Obamacare stuff before the open enrollment in November. I feel like I’m just paying for nothing. They hardly cover anything! I don’t want to make a big change before I see the endocrinologist. I just don’t want to do anything to mess with that appointment. I feel like I’ve waited long enough.

Anyway, that’s really all the news I have for the night. I just wanted to share the update that everything came back fine with my ultrasound. It was a huge relief. I’m still waiting for the mammogram results, but to me honest it’s the ovaries that get me in more of a tizzy.

Still Waiting for Answers

Ovarian Cyst

To say I’m feeling stressed is an understatement. Today was my annual pelvic ultrasound and mammogram. Because my mom died at 43 of ovarian cancer, and my grandmother also died of ovarian cancer later in life, I have to go for ultrasounds as a preventative measure because there really are no signs with ovarian cancer. So, it goes without saying that I get stressed before these appointments. Add to that the fact that this morning’s appointment was a bit out of the norm and I’m kind of a mess.

My insurance doesn’t cover ultrasounds so I opted out of the belly ultrasound and just did the vaginal one because they get a clearer picture of the ovaries with that anyway. The tech took a really long time and sometimes that is normal as one of my ovaries is up high. She then said that she was going to do the stomach ultrasound to see if she could get a better picture, but that she wasn’t going to write it down so I didn’t get charged for it, which was really nice. Although I was super thankful for that, it also concerned me. Was it because she saw something out of the ordinary, or that she just couldn’t get a clear picture of that left ovary?

As she was leaving the room the tech said that my doctor was in the office today and that she would call me later with the results. Well, I never received a call. So I have come up with the following possible scenarios. #1. It’s Monday, she got busy and didn’t get to my ultrasound results yet. #2. It’s not good and she’s going to call me tomorrow…if it was a simple call the nurse would have done it for her. #3. She saw it and it wasn’t serious so she thought she’d call tomorrow.

Now I’ll rip those apart. She’s known me for 17 years and she knows I stress. I don’t think #3 is plausible. So it’s either that she didn’t have a chance to read the results today or that it’s bad. I’m opted to take a half an ambien so that I can sleep and turn my mind off from worrying tonight. There’s nothing I can do until tomorrow. For the first time, I’m thinking it’s going to be okay. That in itself is a little strange, because I’m a glass half empty kind of girl. I like to prepare for the worst case scenario.

At the moment, I’m in bed. My kitten, Biscuit, is snuggled up against me, purring. That always calms me. He’s such a strange little guy. He carries around dolls shoes or small things all over the house. Everything is a toy, but it is usually something like a shoe from an American Girl doll (that I probably paid a million dollars for). I suppose I should be happy that someone is playing with it! Since I raised Biscuit and his sister Cookie from the time they were two weeks old, they are very attached to me. But, Biscuit is ridiculous. He loves everyone from me to the cable guy. He just walks up to anyone and jumps in their lap to snuggle. The cable guy was here last week and he jumped right in the guy’s tool bag and started purring. My cats keep me calm and mostly sane!

Some good news for the day, which was very unexpected…my son won an essay contest at school. I’m going to sound like a horrible mom for a moment, but I almost didn’t believe him. He didn’t even want to enter the contest, but when I found out he got 10 extra points on his first test if he entered I made him do it. While I didn’t write it for him, I sat and brainstormed ideas with him about what he liked about science, asking him questions about experiments he did last year. I did proofread the essay, as my son is dyslexic, and it’s also safe for me to make sure he used complete sentences and that there weren’t any typos.

I thought the essay was okay. It wasn’t the greatest thing I had seen but it really did reflect him as a learner and how he learns best by doing hands-on projects and that his reading issues make textbook learning more difficult. He came home all excited today that in he was one of four students in his class that one the contest, which means he gets to go one four science field trips where they get to do hand-on learning at different places.

My son has never won anything academic, so even though I don’t think this was award winning in terms of his essay work, he did well and he must have said something that they liked enough to pick him. To see his genuine pride and excitement was the highlight of my whole day. For a kid that spends a lot of time trying to play catch-up in school to his peers reading level, etc., it was awesome to see his sense of pride in this accomplishment. I was one proud mama and I think the science field trips will be an awesome experience for him.

I’m going to end tonight’s blog on that high note, and hope I can do the same tomorrow. Good night autoimmune friends!




It’s an Insomnia Kind of Night


I haven’t had insomnia in a while. That’s mostly because I’ve been taking Melatonin around 8pm and by 11pm I’m pretty tired. If I forget, then I take a half an Ambien on some nights, but I try to only do that when necessary. I totally forgot tonight and I’m wide awake because I have a lot on my mind.

Tomorrow is my annual pelvic ultrasound (don’t be jealous). I get myself stressed out for this. In case you haven’t followed my blog for a while, my mother died of ovarian cancer, as did my grandmother, so these ultrasounds are done as a preventative measure because there really are no definitive signs for ovarian cancer. My doctor said “everything felt normal” at my yearly appointment, but until I have the ultrasound, I’m stressed. Add to that, I scheduled a mammogram for right afterward. I figure, let’s have all the fun in one day.

I do my monthly checks, but I know of about 5 people around the age of 40 who have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, so that’s on my mind, too.

But, what’s really bugging the crap out of me is a conversation I had yesterday that I can’t get off my mind. In case I haven’t mentioned, I started speaking to my friend again–the one that dissed the idea of this blog. We don’t talk often. We are not Facebook friends, and I have no desire to get our friendship back, but we have texted and emailed back and forth.

I prefer to have things in a peaceful, resolved state than in an angry one, but at the moment, I’m angry again because he’s an asshole. As I have mentioned previously I work for a nonprofit that helps families of children with special needs. I also tutor a man with autism, who is 50 years old. The conversation I had with this friend was regarding my tutoring job with my autistic client. His position is that it is a waste of state funding to have me work with my client because he’s worthless to society and never going to get any better. My position is that while the goal has never been to cure his autism, it is the help him increase his verbalization so that he can express himself in an emergency or other situations when needed.

His mother set up this program and another woman and I have been working with him for over two years. I’m not going to sit here and say that every day with him is fabulous. It’s definitely hit or miss, but overall he has come a long way. I see some very important strides, and I don’t believe as a society we should give up on people because they are disabled. This is a man with a tremendous mind. If I give him a date, he can tell me what day of the week it was on. He can tell me what day a game show premiered on. His mind is fascinating.

Anyway, my point is, this conversation really pissed me off because it showed me this person’s whole way of thinking. That in his world he has more value than other people, and I just don’t see it that way. Needless to say, I don’t think we’re talking much again, and that’s fine with me. We’re very different and he insults my parenting. My son has high anxiety, and the way I deal with issues with my son is very different than they way he handles his kids. I made a choice a while ago to stop getting our kids together because it just causes problems. He treats his kids like mini-adults and I treat mine like kids.

So I’m annoyed and wide awake. The only good news I have is that my hopes from last night’s post came true. My son had a big play in today’s game. He recovered a fumble from the other team, and as Mother of the Year, I missed it! I was watching the cheerleaders! I suck. All of the sudden I saw the coaches and kids cheering for him and I looked around asking for anyone who knew what happened.

Luckily I found someone who explained it all to me so I could congratulate him at the end of the game. It was a huge deal for him. He looked so proud of himself, and that was all I really wanted. He needed that moment so badly. I’m so sorry I missed it, but I was so happy I saw the look on his face when his coaches and teammates were cheering him on. I was a huge deal!!

Wish me luck tomorrow.


Stressed about Football…Yep, I’m Serious


I have way more important things to be worried about, but tonight I’m thinking about football. My son’s football game tomorrow, to be exact. This sports stuff is hell on me. I just want him to do well, and he does really well in the practices, but he gets nervous during the games. He’s playing against kids that are a lot bigger than him. The league allows kids that weigh 70lbs-105lbs, and my son is 76lbs. He’s not a big kid, so when he’s matched up with a bigger kid, he allows himself to get psyched out.

As a mom, I just want that one play. That one play where he knocks another player down, preferably the player carrying the ball, but I’m not fussy. He needs confidence, and I can’t give that to him. He needs to find it within himself. This parent stuff is tough!

My girls are also practicing for their Nutcracker audition next Friday evening. As crazy as this time of year gets with football games and Nutcracker rehearsals, I love it. My older daughter has been working one-on-one with a dance teacher to prepare for the audition. There aren’t a lot of prime roles for a nine-year-old, but she doesn’t dance with the lead studio in town (because I wouldn’t place her with someone who screams at her) and because of that she comes into the audition at a disadvantage.

The dance teacher is the daughter of a friend of mine, and she is just helping her with what to do during her 30 second spot where she can doing anything she want in front of the director. The audition is a bit intense. My younger daughter cried the first year, and left the stage because it was scary. There were like 80 girls on the stage being taught a combination and it was too much for her at age 5. She went back next year and she got the role of a mini mouse. She’s gung-ho to go back again this year, but her level of dance is that of a 7-year-old. She’s happy being a scurry mouse or an angel, and she’ll be fantastic at whatever she gets.

My older daughter really wants a part where she can do some ballet. Last year she got the role of a soldier and she cried because that was a “boy part.” I understood her sadness, but made her follow through with accepting whatever role she was offered. She was super shy about it, but she did ask the director for a second role, and she got to be an angel. Anyway, I’m babbling about Nutcracker, but it’s become a huge event for us the past few years.

It’s starting to get colder here in Connecticut, and my hip and leg have definitely started aching. My heating pad is out and being put to good use already. It’s funny, I’ve really spent the last few months dealing with exhaustion as my main symptom, with the occasional migraine. I forgot how the colder affected me. It’s not even that cold, but we had a damp rain today, and I was limping and I had pain shooting down my leg and into my foot.

I also had the neuoropathy symptoms again for the past few days in my hands and feet. At the moment, my right hand not only 6029721854_e19543daff_ohas the sharp pins and needles, it also feels burning hot.

With all the research I’ve been doing into Hashimoto’s prior to my appointment with the endocrinologist in October, I’ve been finding that most people with autoimmune diseases have more than one. I’ve love to hear if that’s true for you> It’s definitely true for me with rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, Raynaud’s disease, and possibly Hashimoto’s. I also talked to a girl who mentioned that the only real way to disagnose Hashimoto’s is through a biopsy of the thyroid. I would love any insight on this.

My rheumatologist did a blood test, but it wasn’t even all the blood tests that I saw recomended on the Hashi sites. Any feedback would be great!

Yes, I’m Alive

8616627167_b7b5307fa7_nI’ve started  several posts but last week was complete hell. I had a terrible migraine that began a week ago Sunday that was so bad I lost my vision and ended up spending the evening vomiting and feeling like my head was going to explode. Then when so much time had passed, it was difficult to come up with a blog to recap the entire two week span.

Do I go through everything? That would bore the crap out of you! I’ll give you the brief overview. My kids went back to school on August 28th. Everyone liked their teachers, even my son, who heard from some neighbors that his literacy teacher was “the meanest teacher ever.” Of course to my anxiety kid, this caused some tears, but I am happy to report that so far it’s going pretty well. She might not be his favorite teacher, but she’s not bad.

Both girls love their teachers. My oldest daughter got the teacher that she really wanted, but all of her friends…and I mean all of them, were placed in one other class. There were a few tears when she learned that she wasn’t with her friends, but she has met two nice girls in her class and she loves her teachers.

The youngest one took one look at her teacher and knew she was going to be perfect. She said, “Mom, she is so fashionable. She wears lots of accessories and pretty scarves!” I had the chance to meet her last night at the second grade Open House and she was really great. She had the right balance of fun and firm. I can see her not tolerating any misbehavior, but I can also see her really getting down and having a great time with the kids. She seems like a great fit for my youngest daughter.

The girls also started dance this week, which is always fun. They are preparing for their Nutcracker audition on September 19th. It’s always a big deal, but my older daughter is at that in between age where there really isn’t a lot of great roles. She is practicing with a dance teacher hoping to be in either the party scene or to be a flower bud. I’m more stressed than she is.

In other news, I still feel exhausted. I’m still needing to nap periodically throughout the day. It’s still frustrating. I’ve added vitamin D into my diet as directed by my doctor, but I haven’t felt much difference. I’m seeing the endocrinologist on 10/9. I spoke to a friend with Hashimoto’s today and she mentioned that the only real way to diagnose Hashi’s is through a thyroid biopsy. To be honest, I’d feel better with that. I don’t want to base everything on one blood test. I think I’m almost happy to ask for a biopsy. I want answers. I’m huge…enormous. I’m not eating enough to be this enormous. I need to figure our what the heck is wrong once and for all.

I’m hoping they do that. For now, I’m going to start walking every day when I can. It’s hard when your body is saying to nap.

Anyway, I am sorry about the long time between blogs. I hope you didn’t miss me too much. I’ll be better about blogging now. I am back on somewhat of a normal work/school schedule.



Today Sucked!


I should have stayed in bed today. From the moment I woke up and was told I was the meanest mom ever because my son had a haircut appointment today, I should have known it wasn’t going to be a good one. My son and I have been having this dumb argument about his hair. I’m not opposed to longer hair. I really don’t care about stuff like that, but his hair is so thick and it grows in bush-like. He needs a trim and a style otherwise it looks like a big mop. Does he agree with me? Of course not, I’m his mother!

It’s been a tough few days in general with family stuff. The kids go back to school tomorrow and getting my son’s schedule set was kind of a fiasco. Everything seems to be in order. He went and found his classes today and met a few teachers. I’ve heard terrible things about two of them, but I’m trying to be open minded and take things as they come. The girls both seem to have good teachers, but neither one of them know kids in their class. For my older daughter, it’s a big issue and I know she’s stressed about tomorrow. I did arrange a little play date at a park with one girl that she kind of knows who is in the class, and they seemed to get along well, so I think that helped.

The little one…well, I’m more worried about what’s going to come out of her mouth. For instance tonight we were at Target picking up at prescription (she woke up covered in hives…just an added bonus to my busy day). She was explaining to the pharmacy team that Elsa was her favorite character from Frozen and her favorite Disney character ever. She went on to say she liked all the characters from Frozen except Hans, because he was a butt face. The whole pharmacy team and everyone in line erupted in laughter, and I wanted to die. She has no censor. I suppose it could have been worse!

My son also had to have his 11-year-old vaccines today. It was like Sophia Loren’s Oscar reel. I don’t mean to sound callous. I sat with him for two hours calming him down and talking him through his anxiety, then I needed to tell him to pull it together because we were going in. The shots were nothing, but I didn’t know he had to have his finger pricked. That was bad. But like 5 minutes after the finger prick, you would have thought he had been stabbed. He was doubled over, crying that it hurt and that the nurse who did it was a terrible person. He wanted me to have the nurse fired. It was pathetic and I was exhausted.

Somehow I will get everyone on the bus tomorrow, and I pray that they all have a good day.

I got all my blood test back and I’m disappointed to say they really didn’t show anything except an extreme Vitamin D deficiency. So I’m taking Vitamin D, but you can’t tell me that’s causing all my issues. I didn’t want there to be anything huge wrong, but I wanted a reason that I feel like a zombie. I could sleep all day. Today was my first day without a nap in weeks and it was such a struggle. And then it happened…someone said to me, “you really need to figure out what’s wrong with you.”

Really? I mean, REALLY? I got uppity. I have three autoimmune diseases that I know of. I have rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, and Raynaud’s. None of them go away. There are no cures for them. There’s no vitamin or magic pill that takes away all the symptoms. If there was such a thing, every other commercial on television wouldn’t be dedicated to things like Lyrica, Cymbalta, Enbrel, and other drugs used to treat arthritis and chronic pain. These drugs treat the symptoms. They aren’t a cure. it’s so frustrating to have to explain that to people you know.

The other thing that’s really got me annoyed today is gossiping. I feel almost like if I tell the story I’m gossiping, but since there are no names, etc. and I am saying minimal details, I feel like I can vent a little. A neighbor of mine was arrested for driving drunk the other night. She had her children in the car. It’s a terrible thing, and there are no excuses for putting your children at risk. I’m not making excuses for her, in fact, I hardly know her. Her son is a good friend of my son’s, and he is one of the kindest kids I know. So I just think you can’t get a super kind and polite kid if you’re a complete jerk. She has to be doing something right.

Anyway, our small town has taken to gossip and nastiness and I just feel sad. Obviously the woman has a problem, and if I gave the details you’d realize it seems like it is more than perhaps leaving a party after having one too many. If she has a problem than she needs help, not nasty people. I just think instead of reaching out to help a person at their low point, people find it easier to look down on them. For what it’s worth, I sent her an email. I didn’t really know what to say…I mean what do you say? But, I said if she needed anything or help with the kids, to please let me know.

So I guess my thought for the day is if you have the option to show someone compassion, do it. A lot of times people don’t show us compassion with our autoimmune issues, and I know it’s not the same thing, so please don’t jump down my throat here. I’m not comparing. She made a VERY poor choice and we didn’t choose to have an autoimmune disease. But I think compassion is a choice that anyone can have. I’m choosing compassion.

Another Day with No Answers


I’m not going to lie. I’m pretty disappointed that I didn’t hear from my doctor today. The lab technician who drew my blood said all the lab results would be back by Friday, so I wait until about 1pm and called the office. I was directed to the nurse to get the results and I left her a message and didn’t hear anything back. I could take that in a couple of ways. #1. The results didn’t come back yet (unlikely) #2. The doctor didn’t have time to actually go over the results #3. The results we abnormal and the doctor wants to speak to me himself; in other words the call would be more than a nurse telling me everything looks good.

So which one am I going with? Of course it’s #3. I want them to find SOMETHING. I feel like hell. I could sleep all day and still be tired. The thing is, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little afraid of what they might say when they call me. I do have the whole cancer at 42; death at 43 thing going on in the back of my head. I keep telling myself, though, that I just don’t think it’s that. I really think it’s something to do with my autoimmune issues, but I need some answers.

Since I did call my regular doctor and leave a message before seeing the on-call dude, she called in a referral to an endocrinologist. I missed their call to schedule and appointment, but when I called today they told me I needed to call again on Monday to schedule it. There is still the chance (and it’s a big one) that all my tests will be normal and I’ll leave this round of testing once again with no answers.

Instead of falling into a depression about feeling like crap and still having no answers, I’m going to already have an appointment with an endocrinologist lined up for a second opinion on the TSH and thyroid tests. Isn’t it sad that I’m already banking on my back-up plan? There is a part of me that got upset earlier that no one called, and I started to panic about it being a bigger issue. I just like to know. I am a researcher. I want to know what I’m dealing with and research everything I can find on it.

It’s doubtful I’ll hear anything until Monday. So I need to try and put it out of my mind (good luck with that) and move on. We had my son’s little family birthday party this evening. It was small and quiet. My in-laws and my dad and step-mother came over for pizza and cake. It was a decent event, considering how some in-law events go. I thought my brother-in-law was going to lose it when my mother-in-law mentioned that one of my three-year-old nephews needed to do sit-ups to lose weight. Um…he’s three. He’s fine! I was actually proud of my brother-in-law for standing up to her and saying that he won’t allow her to create self-esteem issues in his children. I was also pleased that I wasn’t involved.

Other than that, it was a nice little get together. I’m exhausted from cleaning the house and getting everything ready today. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep in because I have my niece and nephew here tonight, but I intend to take a nice nap once they leave at 10:30. At the moment I can hardly keep my eyes open with no sleep aids. That in itself is crazy, but I’ll take it.


It’s My Baby’s Birthday


Today is my son’s birthday. He waited up until midnight so he could celebrate, and then said, “I can’t believe I’ve been alive for eleven years. That went by so quick!” He’s not kidding! It seems like yesterday when my water broke and I was concerned about taking a shower and shaving my legs before going to the hospital. Heck, I had no contractions, so there wasn’t a real issue.

When my contractions started, about a mile from the hospital, they were intense and two minutes apart. That certainly wasn’t how the woman at the birthing class explained it would be. I heard things about laboring for hours and contractions being 15 minutes apart for a day. When I got to the hospital, I was 8.5 cm dilated. I got my epidural and had my baby two hours later. I waited years to have baby and there he was.

I look back on all the things I’d do different. I was a new mom who had never changed a diaper. I’d have held him more, snuggled more. Those moments just go by so quick. I remember rocking him one evening when I was pregnant with my daughter. It was late and he really didn’t want to go to sleep. I started singing a lullabye and for whatever reason he thought one verse was the most hysterical thing ever. He had the best belly laugh. So of course I kept singing it, and we’d laugh together until I was crying I was laughing so hard.

My son isn’t an easy kid. There is no manual that came with him. He’s got terrible anxiety, puts way too much stress on himself, is insecure, and has issues with reading and learning. Things are a bit of a struggle at times. Then again, I can turn it around and tell you that my son opens up and tells me anything and everything he’s feeling. We are emotionally very close. We have the same warped sense of humor, and when he needs someone to pick him up when someone has kicked him down, he knows I’m his biggest fan. I also get him to see the best in himself (okay, that’s a work in progress), but it is happening. My wish for him is that he’d see what I see when I see him. He’s handsome, smart, funny, and friendly. He’s thoughtful and kind.

Other than the birthday…which translates to me having to rush around and clean the house with no nap, I have to figure out how to decorate and get everything done. I’m not cooking, but I still feel like I need appetizers, plates, beer, soda, etc. Oh my mother in law is bringing the cake because the needs to show the world that her cake is the best.

I had my appointment with the ENT today. He numbed my nose, stuck a think scope up my nose and down in my throat to look around. I was asked to breath, and to make humming noises so he could watch the vocal chords do their thing. He said everything looked ok, which is good news. I asked if he was able to see my thyroid and he said no, but that if there were anything like thyroid cancer, the vocal chords would be affected. So his only advice was to try not to talk as much. Um…is he for real?

I’m Italian! I yell all the time. I will be quieter when the kids go back to school, but I don’t think I’m that loud. I’ll give it a try resting my voice. I mean it’s not like I’m talking during all the extra sleep I’m getting.

I’m debating on calling for my bloodwork tomorrow. I don’t usually do it. I usually think if it’s bad they call, and if not that don’t. But this time I want to know. I want to know my numbers and next steps. I want to know if I should have a endocrinologist look at my labs to see if there is anything else that should be tested. I will worry about it all tomorrow and I will remember to ask for the numbers and then look up everything they mean. I can’t ask questions without the information.

As I’ve learned throughout this, you aren’t going to learn f you don’t ask questions. There are so many people willing to help! Just ask!

But for now the Ambien is kicking in and I’m off to bed.



Waiting for Results


This is my week of doctor’s appointments. On Monday I saw a doctor at my primary care physician’s office (she was away, so I saw a doctor I had never met). He was thorough, I suppose, but he mainly zeroed in on my fever and the fact that I had been losing my voice for well over a month and a half. He also didn’t like that I was still coughing, but I have an asthma/allergy thing so the cough really isn’t concerning to me. It’s more of an annoyance.

He wanted to run a CBC and sent me to an Ear, Nose & Throat Specialist to have them scope my throat to take a closer look and see what was going on. He did say that my thyroid felt normal, so I guess that’s plus. I’m still banking on there being something wrong with my thyroid, though. Maybe it’s wishful thinking but I’m hoping I find something that helps my hair grow back, helps me lose weight and feel less tired. I realize that’s asking a lot. Even to get through the day without falling asleep would be awesome.

I saw my rheumatologist yesterday and he wanted to re-run all of my previous bloodwork. I did ask about some of the thyroid tests that I’ve read about, and he said that’s not how he does the tests. I joined a Facebook page for Hashimoto’s and it was recommended that I have a TSH, T3, T4 and Free T3 and Free T4. He said he doesn’t test Free T3 and Free T4, but rather he tests for the antibodies. I asked the difference, but I’ll be the first to admit I didn’t understand his answer. At first he wanted me to wait until the fall to even do the bloodwork, but then I started in with my family history and how tired I’ve been feeling, and he realized that my last tests were in March, so he did everything again.

They drew 12 vials of blood this morning, and I found myself praying they’d just find something going on. I don’t want cancer or anything serious. Heck, no one does! But I’m tired of having no answers. My rheumatologist has always been on the fence about me having rheumatoid arthritis, unlike my last rheumatologist, who felt there was no doubt.

That is one of the most difficult things about autoimmune diseases. They aren’t cut and dry. I have a high ANA level, which signifies and autoimmune issue. I agree with rheumy #2 that there is little doubt that I fit the profile for fibromyalgia, but I also see that I fit the profile for RA as well. Rheumy #2 was hesitant to agree with that at first, only because I don’t appear to look like someone with RA. I have hyper-mobility and that in itself can cause joint pain and stretched ligaments, etc. But, the main thing that rheumy #1 said that sticks with me is that RA affects your hands and fibro does not. My hands are one of the most painful areas for me during a flare.

Where fibro can be more widespread and involve muscle, RA makes my hands swell and hurt. They might not look like the RA pictures online, but they do turn red (and bright white from Raynaud’s) and they do swell.

So tomorrow is my throat scope at the ENT’s office. I’m a little nervous for that, but it can’t be that bad. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself. I am guessing I’d have most answers then and there, and if they feel the need to biopsy anything, then they’d have to schedule it. My blood tests will be in on Friday. So in the meantime, I have to sit and wait. I wish the tests were in on Thursday, that way I could call Friday morning and know they were all back and that I could discuss them with a nurse.

The only good news is that my insomnia isn’t affecting me at all. I’m practically falling asleep writing this blog. I just wanted to give a quick update before I went to bed. I will let you know as soon as I hear some news.


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