It’s Not My Life

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Parenting is hard. We want the best for our kids. We want them to be successful in what they love to do. We want them to be healthy. And, we want them to be happy. But what if what makes them happy isn’t what makes you happy?

I never thought I was a control freak, but lately, I’ve been second-guessing that. I’ve been bugging my son incessantly about the junior prom. For months I’ve been saying think about who to ask (as a friend…he’s not currently seeing anyone). Now that it’s closer, I said to him, make sure you find a table. The kids have to choose their table when they pay for the prom. They sit in groups of 10.

My son has several friends, but he is not the kid that makes plans. He hopes for the best or that someone will ask him to sit with them. Well, that didn’t happen and as I predicted, he has nowhere to sit. I suggested looking at the tables that don’t have 10 and seeing if there was one where he knew and liked some of the kids. I don’t know that it will happen, though. Tonight he said he wasn’t going.

I’m mildly heartbroken. I just had visions of what this parenting moment would be like seeing him all dressed up and taking pictures with his date. A lot of his friends are going stag, so he is far from the only one that is going without a date (though I had a few good suggestions LOL). The bottom line is this isn’t about me having a mom moment. It’s about whether he really wants to go.

I’m worried that he will miss out on a fun night. I don’t want him to miss high school moments that I never had. I didn’t go to my junior prom because of money (and no one asked me so I felt weird going alone). At that time, it wasn’t as common for people to go without a date. So because I missed out, I don’t want him to…and that’s more about me than it is about him.

I realize that so I supposed I could say that’s a start. I am just not sure how to not feel sad about it. My son is a great kid. He doesn’t like to admit he has anxiety, but he does. Things like this…like asking people to sit with them, stress him out. But, I totally get that. Things like that stress me out, too! He probably gets it from me.

Anyway, I thought maybe if I wrote about how I was feeling, I would see that I’m being ridiculous and be able to move on. I’ll let you know if that works!

I Suck at Blogging

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I have so much to say, yet I get caught up in the madness that is being the mom of three (well almost three) teenagers. Lately all I do is drive them to their activities and spend time waiting for them to be finished. What’s changed is that I’m trying to use this time a little more wisely.

I’m down about 14 pounds, which for me is a big deal. What’s not great is I’ve been at this weight for a month and it’s probably the Oreos and chips that have something to do with the lack of weight loss. I slacked a little bit on the exercise for a few weeks and I realized that I was slacking on “me time” that I really needed to feel good.

So, I started a new Beach Body 100-Day Morning Meltdown Program this week. I’m on day 4 and I’m enjoying it so far. I really hate doing any kind of cardio that’s not walking, biking, or swimming, but I’m not dying. I can keep up with a few modifications.

I wanted to be about 10 pounds lighter by now because we just had our family photo, but I needed to reconcile that this is where I am…and where I am is a lot thinner than where I was. I decided to reward myself with some new jeans and it wasn’t a cry-worthy shopping experience. I fit into some fairly cute American Eagle jeans. My daughters felt I could pull off cool jeans.

It’s frustrating that I’m not where I want to be, but I really trying to focus on the positive. I’ll report back soon (hopefully before the end of my 100 day workout).

 

Losing Weight with an Autoimmune Disease

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Losing weight is hard enough. Ask anyone who has more than a few pounds to lose. It’s not easy. But when you add an autoimmune disease (or two) into the mix, it makes things even more difficult. I have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. I have spent the last two years trying to live my life without putting as much focus on it.

It’s not that I don’t have pain. I do. I have horrific migraines with my fibro trigger points. My fingers and toes are often extremely painful from the RA, as are my neck, hips, back and one knee. But in June I saw a photo of myself and decided this was it. I needed to take charge and do something to take back control of my weight.

I’m SURE the meds factor into my weight, but I’m also sure that the cookies aren’t helping. There is more I can do to help. So I started with 30 minutes of yoga a night. I tried a free 2 weeks of Noom and I went to Target to buy a scale. That may have been the most difficult part. The Noom app wants you to weigh yourself every day and U was truly afraid to step on the scale. And then the next morning I did it. It was awful. It was depressing, but it was also a starting point.

I began logging what I ate, which was something I had tried before and never lasted more than a few days, but I was determined that this time would be different. I was encouraged when in the first week the scale was going down. Okay, it wasn’t by leaps and bounds, but it was going down. And then it stopped. The scale didn’t move for about 5-6 weeks. I was frustrated and ready to give up so I increased my workouts, doing a barre class each day and trying to cut out sweets as much as possible. Just because I was staying within my calories didn’t mean I was eating right.

So I finally got the scale to move and I’ve been feeling encouraged, but do you know what else I’m feeling? Pain. My big toes are in terrible pain. My SI joints feel locked up and I have very little movement and my right hip is in unbearable pain. I don’t know what the right step is. Do I stop and rest? Or do I keep going with lighter workouts? I chose the latter. I’m still doing my online classes but I’m not doing the super hard ones and I’m using modifications. I’m working on being okay with that.

It’s just so hard to have limitations. I never had limitations. I had a strong body and I feel myself getting stronger, but at the same time I know I’m pushing myself and I will soon need to rest. Did I mention it sucks having an autoimmune disease? Finding a balance of activity and rest is no easy task. I’m still figuring it out.

Weight Loss App – Update

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So, I’m still going with my three weight loss apps (Noom, Weight Watchers, and MyFitness Pal). I figured I’d also talk about some online workout programs I’m trying since that goes along with my weight loss journey and may help others looking for the right fit.

I’m not going to lie…it’s a pain in the ass to log my meals into three different apps. But, someone I take great pleasure to log my exercise into all of the apps. I had some frustration with Noom early on, which prompted me to try the others, but in fairness, I was staying within my calories but also eating Oreos and crap. That might have been a contributing factor to why things weren’t moving.

I’ll again start with the positives.

Noom: I still find it easy to log my food. I learned that you can enter a recipe and then divide it up by portions. I was trying to figure that out on my own and winging it, which was likely way off. So that is helpful. It’s a little time-consuming to enter all the ingredients, but it works. If you choose a recipe from Noom, all the info is entered for you. I’ve tried two recipes and they have been decent. I’m making crab cakes from Noom tomorrow. I’ll keep you posted.

I have a little more trouble when I cook without a recipe, which is often. I’m Italian. My people don’t use recipes! We throw stuff together and it’s delicious. So I do end up entering it all manually and estimating how much I’m using. My coach would not approve.

The other positive is I really get to see what is a good choice vs a poor choice. It’s clear with their green, yellow, and red categories. You can have each, but you try and stay within a certain amount of calories per day in yellow and red. It’s fairly simple to follow. I also like the alerts if I forget to log something. I need the reminders nagging me to do stuff.

Weight Watchers: This program is easy to follow as well. There are a lot of foods that are zero points so you can fill up on fruit and vegetables to satisfy your hunger. There have been a few days that I have not finished my points. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. I don’t have the plan with a coach or meetings. I’m trying to be as cost-effective as possible. The calorie range on all three apps is 1,200.

Weight Watchers has a lot of recipes and there are a lot of recipes online that give you the points. That definitely makes things easy. It’s also easy to enter your exercise and there are a lot more choices of exercises. For instance, I do Xtend Barre and there are barre workouts in Weight Watchers, where there are not in Noom.

I like that WW tracks my fitness minutes for the week. I can be impressed with myself and feel productive.

My Fitness Pal: This app has a lot more information about what you are eating, which is very interesting. It breaks down by carbs, protein, etc. It can go further and tell you which of the foods you logged are the best and worst for you, and it allows you to set daily goals. You can also track the time you are eating to see if you notice changes in your hunger if you are eating earlier or later. This app also tracks water, which for me is a huge plus. I’m terrible at remembering to drink my water and although I can log it in the other apps, it doesn’t track the ounces in the same way as MyFitness Pal. It’s a separate section to make sure you are drinking enough water.

With the paid version you get more features including the ability to upload your progress information to your computer. That’s not important to me, but it could be for you.

The negatives:

Noom: I don’t know how to say this nicely. I’m annoyed with my coach. I wanted my coach to offer suggestions. Instead, she says things like, “Do you have effective ways of measuring portions for your sweets?” And when I said that I’m not good at that because I really have trouble just having one and that’s my issue. She wrote back, “Do you have any other ideas?” Ummm…I kind of thought YOU might have some ideas for me because I paid a lot of money for some help not just for you to ask me what the hell I’m going to do to figure out how to eat fewer cookies. I’ve been less than impressed with the coaching aspect, and honestly, that’s one of the reasons I joined.  The “group” that you are entered into when you join is another story. That is a very supportive place with people who all started at the same time as you, who are in the same point of the program. I have gotten more support there than I have from the coach.

Aside from that, I’m happy with the program. The daily things to read and do are sometimes too much. Sometimes they are helpful and you get some good tips and learn some scientifically based things. It’s interesting. Other times, it’s not super interesting.

 

Weight Watchers: I’m not signed up in any kind of group so I do miss the support from people that I have in Noom. To make up for that though, there is a Facebook group for WW, so I can make that work there and get my questions answered. At times it’s a little awkward to enter the food. I feel like I have to back and forth to be in the right place to enter meals. Maybe it’s just me, but it happens daily, so it’s a bit annoying at the start of each new day to find where I’m logging food.

I worry that I can eat too much on WW because of the zero point thing. Like what if I ate 15 pears? Or 15 bananas? That’s a lot of sugar. I don’t claim to understand it yet, but it’s not keto and I can eat fruit, so I’m good. I’m still trying to eat 2-3 fruits a day and not 15.

My Fitness Pal: I can see why people love this app due to the amount of info it tracks, but it takes a lot out of my life to enter the food. It’s just not as easy to enter the amount of food. Not everything is by tsp, tbsp, cup, etc. It can be by ounces and grams. That’s annoying. I don’t feel I’m accurate because of this. I’m not always in a place where I can measure.

There are a lot of exercises to add in this app, but many are listed singularly. Like back extensions. I mean I guess that would be great if I was going to the gym and track my sets, but right now and for the foreseeable future, I’m working out at home doing videos and weights.

I’m also using a few different workout apps. I have Beachbody, OpenFit, and YogaBurn. I like them all. I don’t use all of the workouts so I have to evaluate what I’m paying for. YogaBurn is workouts in 15-minute segments that you do 2-3 times. I prefer a 30-minute workout that doesn’t repeat, but her workout is very good.

With Beachbody, I do the 21-Day Fix and their yoga programs. I did the 3-week yoga retreat. If you are new to yoga, I highly recommend it. OpenFit…where to I begin. I have been doing Xtend Barre almost daily and I have a love/hate relationship with it. It looks easy. It’s not! There are some days I want to die and I have to stop for a minute, but then I keep going. The truth is, I really like it. The instructor (I feel terrible that I can’t think of her name but it’s 1AM and I’ll remember it for my next blog) is very upbeat…maybe a little too upbeat sometimes, but I feel like I accomplished something when I am done. My first week I thought I might die. Three weeks in, I’m doing much better. I still sometimes cheat and put my arms down or my heels down, but I need to do that less and less.

The truth is I like them all. For me, I like to have a choice. I have rheumatoid arthritis and some days, I can’t do Xtend Barre, and I need to just do a yoga stretching day. I’ve had about 4 of those. Other days I do more of a flow yoga or power yoga where you hold the poses and it’s hard. I like to mix it up.

My biggest success so far isn’t that I’m down 9lbs (because I don’t feel like I look any different AT ALL), it’s that I have worked out every day for the past 3 weeks without missing a workout. That’s huge for me. Take the baby steps! We can do this!

Send me a message or comment on my Facebook page. Let me know what app you’re using and why you like it. Recommend a workout, too!

 

Weight Loss App Review

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As you may know, I’m on my weight loss journey and it’s been a long road. I’ve tried some quick fixes and they’ve failed. I tried the whole life coach thing and then my world got thrown upside down with my step-mother’s cancer battle coming to an end and me needing to focus all of my energy on her and my dad.

Anyway, my point is right now I’m focusing on me and I have been for the past few weeks. I started by trying Noom. I figured, it had a coach…that would keep me accountable. I need that.

My first two weeks went really well. The fact that I logged all of my meals consistently was a miracle. I have never been able to do that ever. I owe that in part to the part send me reminders. Reminders are amazing when you are a busy mom of three trying to do contract work. But…then things hit a snag and the scale stopped moving…for weeks. I then really felt like I was failing and if the scale wasn’t moving why was I trying so hard…so I ate cookies and crap.

Then about 2 weeks ago I regained my focus. I have been working out once a day with an exercise video from OpenFit. I’ve been doing Xtend Barre. I’m fairly sure the woman teaching is trying to kill me. I started with all of the signature series. In hindsight, I maybe should have done shit in order, but that’s no fun. I really don’t like her during the class, but I feel so darn accomplished when I’m done, even if I can’t do everything.

Then I would jump in the pool to cool off and do some swimming. I suck at swimming so my idea of swimming is some laps holding onto a noodle. But again, it’s more than I was doing sitting on the couch working. And, now I end the day with yoga and stretching with Beachbody. I don’t do anything too difficult. It’s more to stretch and unwind. You may remember I have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. This means recovery after a workout is not always easy. The stretching seems to help.

By now you’re thinking…get to the damn point! I’m here! I thought to myself, what if there is a better app for me? So I decided to give three a whirl and see which I like best and I’m going to keep track over the next two weeks and let you know.

I am doing Noom, Weight Watchers, and MyFitnessPal. Let’s start with the positives:

Noom: I like that there is a coach, but I’m not sure I like my coach. I was super frustrated when my scale hadn’t moved in 6 weeks and she told me I had to readjust my expectations. My expectations are that I’m going to lose a freakin pound or more in 6 weeks. That’s not a lot to ask. Aside from that, she does want to set weekly goals, and we’re just starting with that so I’ll keep you posted. My biggest issue at the moment is sugar. I can’t have one cookie. I keep going back because I know there are more cookies. So we are writing a goal for that tomorrow.

I like that there is a group. People share their ups and downs and you can encourage others and receive encouragement and ideas. I’m not a people person, so the whole online people thing appeals to me. I can “online people.”

Food is easy to track and as I mentioned there are reminders to track things. There is about 5-10 minutes of things to read each day. Some things are better than others, but they want you to learn the psych stuff about why you are eating and what you can do to change habits. I get that and it’s interesting.

Weight Watchers: Truth be told, I know nothing of the program. I have 23 points per day and some weekly points. Some days I have trouble reaching 23, other days not so much. I like that if you are making a weight watchers recipe you can just search for it and log it in super easy rather than type out all the ingredients like you need to do with Noom. I also get “fit points” each week based on my exercise. I’m not exactly sure what to do with those yet, but I’ll keep you posted. WW is easy to log in weight, food, and exercise.

MyFitnessPal: There are some definitely plusses and minuses with this one. Food is a little more difficult to enter because you must figure out what your portion is. There is measuring involved and I’m not sure I have time for that. That being said, it does give me a breakdown so I know what percentage of carbs, protein, and fats I’m getting each day. It also breaks down the macros. I don’t know about macros yet…I’ll work on that for the next post. I like that this app subtracts your exercise calories from your daily calories. I still try and keep it around 1200, but I feel a little better when I go over.

This app seems to also have more exercise programs built-in. In other words, I can put in barre and a few different kinds of barre workouts come up. With Noom I need to put Custom and a medium intensity workout. I feel like that app might be a bit more exact. You can also set that up with reminders and there are a lot more things you can do with the paid version. I didn’t want to pay for anything else (I already paid for Noom and I’m paying monthly for WW). If I decide I like that one best, I’ll cancel WW.

So, I’ve used all three apps for a week. I’ve lost 3 pounds. I’m starting to feel encouraged again. I am on a real mission to take this weight off. The fact that I have stayed on a schedule to exercise and logged in all of my food daily is HUGE for me. It’s progress. I’ll keep you posted. I’d love to hear which weight loss apps you like best!

 

 

 

 

They Said It Would Happen

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They said it would happen. In fact, almost every book or article you read on parenting teens said you’d get to a point where your teen is like a stranger…an angry stranger. I thought, no way. We have such a close relationship and my son feels like he can talk to me. Just last summer he brought a girl over for the first time. He talked to be about dating (nothing too in-depth, but enough that I felt good that he wanted to talk to me).

I don’t know when it happened and I don’t know how it happened. But, it’s like I don’t even know my son. I mean deep down I know he’s still a good kid with a good heart. Two months ago he was at his grandmother’s side as she lost her battle with cancer and at my side throughout the services, making sure I was okay. He’s a good kid. I don’t know what he’s so angry about.

Today it’s that our house is a mess. He’s correct. Our house is a mess. I work two jobs totaling what would be full-time hours, but since I work from home, no one really thinks I work. No one understands if I didn’t do five loads of laundry because I was actually working. No one understands that it’s midnight on a Wednesday and I’m taking a break from writing about Paris for work to write about myself for a few minutes.

My son is turning 16 next month. I excitedly signed him up for driving classes last week. He was working with his dad, but I sent him a text that I had all the stuff and that he was officially signed up. It was a big moment. I didn’t even get a response. When we talk about getting a license, he talks about wanting a Jeep.

We live in a town where kids are getting new BMWs and Range Rovers. We are not keeping up with the Joneses. We will do our best to get him a used car and he needs to help pay for insurance. But, it’s like he’s entitled. I suppose I did that somehow. I’ve tried to give my kids everything I didn’t have. I didn’t have my mother for a lot of my childhood. I never got to do things like gymnastics, dance, sports, after my mom passed away. I just wanted my kids to have what I didn’t.
So, I hear you loud and clear when you say all teenagers become angry souls and you wake up one day and feel like you don’t know them anymore. I’m there. I love my son and wish we could go back to having talks. I wish we could go back to laughing. Because this place where we are right now…it really sucks.

 

So the Diet…

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I had my checkup today. There is good news and bad. The good news is that my bloodwork came back decent this time around. A few months ago my kidney function was off and it had me stressed out, but that was back to normal. My doctor reminded me that I really need to be diligent about drinking my water.

The bad news…I did 6 weeks of food coaching and I’m fatter. I thought I lost weight. I’m in a smaller size of jeans! So I was mildly devastated. I know this past week has not been my best. I ate rice pudding twice at the hospital. I had a scone and a blueberry muffin. I had pizza. We were eating out of the hospital cafeteria and I could have made better choices.

I definitely have not made time to exercise and quite honestly, making time for my kids and sleep are higher on the list right now. I need to try and get back on track despite everything that’s going on.

Then there is the RA piece. At my physical this afternoon, I told my doctor that my RA has really been okay. Now a few hours later my hips are killing me. They are really stiff. I haven’t had this in a long time. I’m sure the stress is adding to it, but I’m going to see how it is tomorrow before I take an Alleve.

Who knew at 47 I’d have all these health issues. My health coach wanted me to start thinking more positively, or even less negatively. She said I don’t have to lie to myself, but I need to stop being mean to myself, too. I am disappointed that I didn’t lose weight, but I’ll start from here and I think I need to weigh myself daily. I hate seeing the number, but maybe it will keep me from gaining more. Maybe I’ll think twice before eating something delicious HAHA.

And…my German Shepherd ate a half a tray of lasagna tonight so I don’t have to worry about finishing that. I love him, but he is a jackass today.

Taking Care of Everyone But Yourself

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We all do it. I think it’s a mom thing. We make sure everyone we love is taken care of. We are there to support other people. But, somewhere in the midst of caring for everyone else, we often forget to take care of ourselves.

I’m realizing I’m at that point right now, but that doesn’t mean I know how to change it. As I mentioned in my previous post, my step-mother is dying. I’ve spent most of the last week at the hospital with my dad. I worry that he might not hear something the nurse or doctor says. I worry that he’s not eating enough. And, I worry that his world is crumbling around him and there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop it.

Then there are my kids. My son talked to me tonight completely not understanding the fact that if the cancer is at a point where it’s too bad, it’s not worth it to continue treatment and we will just help her be comfortable. He said that’s like we are choosing to have her die. He just can’t see the part that the cancer is killing her no matter what we try to do to slow it down.

My son is 15. He’s a typical teen. He can be a real jackass sometimes when I have to yell at him to get off the Xbox or clean his room. But, he is so full of heart. He cares so deeply for my dad and step-mother. He sees them more than any of the other grandchildren because he’ll just go down and watch basketball and they take him golfing all the time.

My girls are aware of what’s going on. My older daughter asks a lot. I think my younger daughter is in denial and afraid to ask.

So, as a family, we are going to the oncologist’s office to talk on Friday. I get the sense that my dad would rather that the doctor explains everything, which means it’s bad. So in the midst of making a lasagna as soon as I got home so I can make sure my dad is eating, and trying to talk my son through his feelings, I’m exhausted. I’m emotionally drained, but I have to keep going. Somehow we find strength when we need to.

My plan for right now is a Xanax so I can help shut down my thoughts tonight and get some rest. I miss my pets. I miss my kids. But right now, my dad needs me and I’m not sure he’s ever needed me in his life. He’s never asked for help. That’s what makes this even more difficult.

I’m waiting for my rheumatoid arthritis to flare. There is only so much stress my body can take before it starts fighting itself for no reason. Autoimmune diseases are so odd that way. It’s like “ok, you’re going through a lot, it’s time to attack your joints and make it even more fun.”

I’ll keep reminding myself that I’ll get through it.

 

 

Grieving Is a Process

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Do you start grieving after someone has died? Or, do you start grieving the moment you know you are going to lose them? Do you start feeling the pangs of sadness wondering what it will be like when you can’t just pick up the phone and call them? They won’t be at holidays and birthdays, dance recitals and football games. Some people live for every moment they have left and don’t think about what’s around the corner. I envy those people.

I’ve had a lot of loss in my life. My mom had cancer for the first time when I was 11. I look at my daughter who just turned 12 and only now do I see what a baby I really was. She died when I was 14, the age of my older daughter. You never get over the loss of your mother. I mean, you replace the intense pain with good memories, but there are times that it hits you like a ton of bricks and simply paralyzes you. Then there are other times where you can talk and laugh about your memories, finding comfort in them.

I lost my step-father a few years ago. In fact, he was in my life longer than my mother. They were married about 9 years but he remained in my life until I was 45. He was my rock and once again, I was devastated.  In between the two, I lost my grandmother, which felt like losing a mother all over again.

All of this brings me to now. My step-mother (my dad’s wife) has cancer. She had cancer a few years ago but it came back. It’s bad. She had a procedure a few weeks ago for a blood clot and shortly after it was like she had dementia. My dad can’t really leave her alone. They missed my daughter’s birthday. I knew it was bad. I pretended they called while she was out.

I went to the house the next day so my dad could go to his own doctor’s appointment. I’ll admit, I was really scared. I didn’t know what I’d feel like if she didn’t remember me. What if she brought up memories of when I was a teenager and we hated each other. We’ve grown to love each other so much since then. She’s been the most amazing grandmother to my kids. But none of that happened. She slept the entire time I was there.

My dad stopped by today with my daughter’s birthday gift. We talked for a bit in the driveway. He wanted to know all about my son’s golf tryouts. My dad and step-mother are big golfers, and they were the ones who got my son into golf. They take him golfing every summer to their golf club. I offered to go stay with my step-mother if my dad needed to get out because he mentioned that she turned the shower on and didn’t remember doing it. It was then that he told us their friends were coming over on Wednesday so he could go clean out their lockers at the golf club. They would not be joining this year. He told my son that his grandmother wasn’t well enough and he said, “And me, well…” and he fought back tears. Then he quickly left.

I should have done so many things. I should have grabbed my dad and hugged him. I should have said something but in that moment I didn’t know what to do. I looked at my kids who were blindsided by this news. They knew their grandmother had cancer, but I hadn’t told them about the dementia because we hoped it might be temporary after the procedure.

My dad and I are terrible communicators with each other. My dad isn’t a communicator. I think that’s probably why my mom and dad got divorced in the first place. My dad loves me more than the world, but he doesn’t always say the words. We don’t always say the words. I need to figure out what to do to help him, other than just bring food over and offer to let him get out for a few hours.

I need to help my kids and I don’t know where to begin. My son is 15 and he thinks the world of his grandmother. My parents think the world of their grandchildren, but my son goes down there and hangs out with them. They golf together. They watch basketball together. They are very close. He just kept saying, “She’s going to be okay, Mom. She’s strong. She’s going to get through this.” Only she’s not.

And so I’m grieving. I’m grieving what I’m going to lose. I’m grieving what kids are going to lose. I’m scared for my dad. I guess I’m at the age where we start taking care of our parents. My dad is fine physically and mentally. He’s in good shape for the most part, but soon I have to think of him alone. Soon I’ll have to have conversations about him living alone…maybe getting a house with an in-law apartment (he’ll hate that idea). He’ll hate the idea of a life alert thing. Luckily, I’m 1/4 mile away and I can stop by, but our relationship will change a lot. I don’t know that either one of us are ready for this. I don’t know where to start. But seeing my dad cry was awful. Knowing that he’s hurting and losing the love of his life…if we could only have more time.

 

Don’t take time for granted. I think I’d do things differently. I wonder if I tell her how much I loved her right know if she’ll really know. And I pray for my children’s sake that she can have a good visit and remember them, even if she’s not totally herself. They want to hug her and tell her they love her.

I’m a downer tonight but I needed to get this out. I’m sorry 😦

 

Turning 14

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It should be another birthday, another year to celebrate, but when my daughter turned 14 last week it hit me really hard. I was 14 when my mother died of ovarian cancer. So, there was a flood of feelings I just wasn’t expecting. I thought about my relationship with my daughter. We are very close. If I were to die tomorrow, would she have enough memories for the rest of her life? Would she have enough things to remember me by? Would I have taught her enough? Could she possibly know how much I love her?

Now, God willing, I have a lot longer to live. But, when you lose a parent at a young age, you learn quickly that anything can be taken from you. Nothing lasts forever. I have friends who have both parents and their grandparents. I’m so envious of the time they’ve had. I wonder what my life would be like if I still had my mom. I wish she knew my kids, or could have given me advice during some dark times in my 20s.

I’m not my mother. And, I pray that I live long enough to see all three of my children get married and have children. But today as I went out shopping to Target and Home Goods with my daughter, I couldn’t help feeling overwhelmed with emotion.

I’m sure this is likely compounded at the moment because my step-mother is not doing well. She has cancer and I know our time is limited. I don’t know how to talk to my kids about it. They know she’s sick. They know it’s not good. I just can’t get the words out to tell them how I feel. I don’t suppose there are people who are great at dealing with death, but I’m someone who sucks at it. I’m scared for her die. My kids are close to her and I love her very much.

So in the midst of “14,” I have a lot of other things going on. My migraines have been horrendous. I’ve had them for two to three days at a time every other week. I’m working like a maniac and I feel like I’m not getting enough done. Tomorrow I need to make a calendar so I can start to plan my week better. This winging it isn’t working for me.

I need to make some changes to the things I can control. We shall see how this works out.

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