Hitting a Wall with My Rheumatoid Arthritis

I’m hitting a wall today. This week has been particularly tough in terms of pain and swelling. We’re also getting more snow, as if 13 inches wasn’t enough this week. I think it’s just all getting to me and I’m starting to feel depressed. I also lost one of my freelance client today, which I’m really trying to look at as a blessing.

I love my clients, but this man consistently treated me like I was stupid. He decided to cut back on marketing and he’s going to run his educational blog by himself for a medium sized company. It’s not like the writing wasn’t on the wall, but it was decent money for work that I enjoyed doing. February has just not been kind to us in terms of finances.

With everything feeling like it’s hitting at once, I’m finding myself just feeling really sad today. I don’t need to list the things I’m thankful for to know I don’t have it that bad, but being in constant pain really takes it’s toll. I hardly did anything this week because my hands physically couldn’t move. I usually can push through teaching my class using lighter weights during a flare, but I couldn’t even grasp the weight tight enough to hold it Tuesday morning.

It’s hard. I try and maintain a level of being positive. I know I don’t have cancer, but I also know there is no end to my struggle in sight. I may find something that helps me manage the pain better, but I will still have rheumatoid flares. I will still have all-over tenderness and sore muscles and joints from fibromyalgia and I will likely never have the energy that I used to. I realize that I have sleep issues and that nights of insomnia are the norm. Coming to accept those things is hard.

I have a good life. I have great kids. My son made me breakfast in bed this morning for no reason other than to tell me he loved me. It wasn’t healthy, but it was gluten free. He even remembered that I said I could eat Fruity Pebbles because they were gluten free. I know I’m blessed. I thank God every day for all that I have, but it’s okay for me to have a day like today where it’s all getting me down.

There are days where I simply wish that things were easier, and today is one of those days. Tomorrow will be another day, and I’m hosting a birthday party for my daughter at a gymnastics studio. She’s super excited, and seeing her like that will no doubt lift my spirits and make me smile. For now, I’m just throwing myself a pity party. Everyone is welcome if that’s the kind of day you’re having, too.