People Annoy Me

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Last night I went to sleep really early. I actually was exhausted and I think I fell asleep before 10PM, which is unheard of, for someone with insomnia and chronic pain, especially at night. I’m not sure of the reason, but I didn’t question it, I turned off the television and computer and went to sleep…only to wake up a few hours later. So I sat there wide awake for a few minutes, then said screw it and turned on the computer.

My cousin (the one who played Dr. Google and basically told me my father was lying to me and his health situation was far more grave than he was telling me) sent me an instant message on Facebook saying something like, “If something happens to me, can I count on you to take care on my son?”

Now, let me explain a few things. My first cousin (her uncle) committed suicide the day before my third child was born. We are not a tight-knit family on my dad’s side. It’s not that we don’t get along, we just didn’t see each other all that much, other than on Christmas Eve and the occasional celebration. My cousin’s death was a huge shock to everyone, and my aunt and uncle were left with many unanswered questions. Suicide is a very selfish thing to do because it leaves the family behind with so much pain. That being said, I can only imagine the pain he was in to make that decision. I can’t judge him for it because I don’t know what brought him to that decision. I only feel sad that he didn’t feel he could turn to anyone for help.

Now back to my Dr. Google cousin. For the past few years we’ve connected through Facebook. She’s a nice person, but we’re different people. She has a flair for drama…okay, that might be a family trait, but I never know what kind of mood she’s going to be in so I tread lightly. In the past few months I’ve asked her a few times if she’s upset with me, and she always says no. To me, she just seems pissed off. I talked to her online from about 1AM to 2:30AM and I won’t air her dirty laundry, but she’s doing some things that aren’t the best decisions, and she needs to stop and think. She would never hurt herself because she loves her son too much, even she admitted that. She said she was just feeling really low and I think it was her cry for attention. I get that, and I tried to help, but my question of the day is, how far do you go to help?

If I person needs help like this a lot…like several times a month and really isn’t doing anything to help herself, do you keep helping? Or, are you becoming part of the problem because you’re allowing her to act that way and helping her through it each time? I’m really asking that. I would like someone’s opinion because I just don’t know the answer.

Anyway, aside from that, my freakin migraine is back. I really think that allergies are playing into it as I was also sneezing all day as well. It was downright gorgeous out, and though I felt like crap, the fat dog and I went for a short walk to enjoy the sunshine. It was 78 degrees here, and I’m not quite ready for shorts…or any clothes that don’t hide my weight, but I enjoyed the warmth.

My shins were really sore from yesterday’s walk because the girls and I took a really long walk and the way back to the house was all uphill. I didn’t realize my shins even hurt until we started walking uphill today. Honestly, though it felt good to move. Even with the warm weather I had a rough start to the day. My ring finger and pinky on my left hand were “stuck” for a good 45 minutes. This is becoming more frequent and it really hurts. It’s not just that I’m waking up with stiff, swollen fingers, my fingers are literally stuck in a semi-bent position.

Does anyone else have this? Is this what they call trigger finger? Or is that something that doesn’t work itself out on it’s own? Isn’t this stuff so much fun! I feel like just when I start to understand my autoimmune symptoms, I get a curve ball and things change. That might be the most frustrating part of having an autoimmune disease, or in my case more than one. There isn’t one set of symptoms. There isn’t one area of pain. The type of pain changes. Sometimes there’s numbness along with the pain. Sometimes there’s pins and needles that hurt so bad I want to cry. Sometimes my hands swell and I can’t even hold a cup. Some days, like today, two fingers are stuck and rendered useless for a period of time. Every day is different and you just don’t know what to expect.

To me, that’s the hardest part. I can’t plan for tomorrow, because I don’t know whether I’m going to able to wake up and go for a jog, or not be able to get out of bed until 11AM. And I’d like to say it sucks!

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