The Non-Blog Post

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I confess. I didn’t want to write a blog tonight. I’m having a moment. A big moment. An ugly moment with tears and sadness and raw emotion, and I just didn’t want to put it into words, but I am editing a novel (did I mention the novel with an excess of the word “she”?) and frankly I needed a break and this was the only viable option.

So here I am. I tried watching the news, but that’s depressing as all hell. A bunch of performers from the circus fell off some metal suspended frame thing and they are all hurt. A college student died of meningitis days before graduation. I need to turn that crap off.

I didn’t have a bad day. I slept in for a bit after the wedding. With my kids staying over night with my sister-in-law, I had a quiet house…except for hungry cats. I also took my girls to a cupcake baking event for the nonprofit organization that I work for. It was a decent day, despite not being able to follow navigation directions from Siri. I swear that bitch led me in a circle twice. I am not so good with directions. The girls fell asleep and I was humoring myself with the line from European Vacation when Clark gets stuck on the rotary in England and he keeps saying “Look kids, Big Ben! Parliament!” Even if my kids were awake, they wouldn’t have gotten the humor.

I really don’t even feel like discussing why I’m so upset. Without going into too much detail so I don’t start crying again, I’m just feeling pretty terrible about myself. I look horrible. This freakin autoimmune disease has really taken its toll on me, and I’m having a hard time with the way I look. I’m not eating enough to be this fat. I am not saying I don’t eat sweets. I had a cupcake today.

But, overall I eat healthy. In the last few weeks I’ve really been sticking to about 1,200 calories a day and exercising and I’m still not losing weight. Something is wrong. It’s probably the meds, but I need to call tomorrow to schedule the CT scan like the doctor wanted me to do.

Did you ever see something and know that you’ll be seeing it again soon, or it be important soon? It’s hard to explain. Things usually hit me in some sort of vision and then months later I realize why I had that feeling. I’ve decided that on top of being horrified at the way I look, I’m actually really worried that something is wrong. My mom died at 43 and I’m 42 and it’s just hitting me that something is really wrong. I’m not doing enough to figure out what it is.

I will start tomorrow with calling about the CT scan and that will be step one. Step two is cutting out sugar. I may have a very crabby week. Expect crabby posts. Crabby is better than crying, though.

 

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. livingincurably
    May 05, 2014 @ 22:32:43

    If you aren’t familiar with these already, they may be of a little bit of help on your efforts to cut out sugar. It’s the only sugar-free chocolate I’ll eat (others are just like a laxative for me). Having a couple squares off a bar can really help me when I’m craving sugar and feeling pissed that I can’t eat whatever I want: http://www.lilyssweets.com

    Reply

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