Panic Attacks Suck and Other Deep Thoughts

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I’m having a panic attack. It’s worse than my usual panic attacks. This one started a good 20 minutes ago, and has gotten progressively worse. I’m not exactly sure what brought it on. It hasn’t been the best week. In fact I’ve written about 4 blogs, but haven’t published one of them because I thought they all sucked.

It’s just one of those weeks where nothing I had to say seemed like it held a candle to what the people around me were going through. On Thursday a friend from high school lost his 11-year-old son in an ATV accident. I made the mistake of looking at his wife’s Facebook page, and I haven’t been able to put it, or her, out of my mind. I can’t imagine anything worse than losing your child.

She put up a frantic post that the boy was missing and asked for people to help her search. That was followed by people praying and others who had faith he’d be okay. But he wasn’t. It’s hard as a parent not to immediately think “what if”? I want to reach out and do something, but really what is there to do? Of course, I’ll make a dinner and offer to do whatever I can, but they lost their child. Realistically, nothing is going to help them. Their lives are never going to be the same.

This whole thing really sent me into over-protective mode. I’m kind of neurotic anyway, but that “what-if” fear is present and I’m having a tough time quelling it. We also lost a family friend to brain cancer today, but that situation, although very sad, is a different one. He was young…younger than me, but he was suffering terribly. He left behind a young wife and a two-year-old so my heart obviously goes out to them. Just a lot of sadness and loss this week.

That makes the fact that my son knocked a lawn chair into the pool and ripped the lining causing a massive leak into my yard seem pretty darn small. But we still had to deal with the chlorinated lake in the yard and the one foot left of water in the pool with the leak. Good times!

There’s a lot going on, but I can’t even tell what it was that sent me over the edge into a panic attack. I was sitting in bed looking for dresses for my daughter’s vocal recital next weekend. I wasn’t aware that we needed a fancy dress, but the girl she is singing a duet with has a very fancy dress. Her mom showed me a picture today…it was like a Christmas dress. All we were told was they need to dress in black for one portion of the concert. I didn’t think we were going formal, but I can’t have my daughter in a cotton dress with her kid decked out in sequins and satin.

It’s so silly that something like that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Sometimes it’s the last thing in a string of things overwhelming you that does you in. My body is fighting the exhaustion. I know I need to really rest at some point tomorrow and Monday to get through an emotional week of wakes and funeral services. I don’t do well with those. Who does? But especially the funeral of a young child…the same age as my son. Not going to lie…that’s going to be just plain awful.

It really puts my autoimmune issues in perspective. I often feel like crap, but my kids are healthy. I’d take that any day. I’m still having hip and back pain, but overall since I’ve upped my Celexa, I haven’t had a panic attack like this. I took a Xanax. Ok, I took a Xanax and a half. It was that bad. I’m just starting to feel it kicking in and the headache that was starting is beginning to subside.

If you are the praying type, I’ll ask that you send a prayer or two for my friends’ families. They are all really good people, and somehow, someway, I pray that they find some peace. If you’re still reading, thank you for letting me unload a blog that was mostly about other people tonight. I just needed to get it out.

And for a bit of humor to leave you with, the picture on top of the page was something I found tonight while going through some papers from my 7-year-old. The last line was suppose to read, If You Give a Pig a Pancake, but she spelled IF wrong. I covered the rest of the text to show you what I saw when I first looked at it. It was the best laugh I had all day.

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