A Much Calmer Night

Caillou

Boy I was hell on wheels last night (see yesterday’s post). I do have a bit of a temper, but as I said last night, I’ve never lost my cool with this friend before. As a matter of fact, I can’t even think of many friends I’ve ever lost my cool in that way with. I mean, okay, there is the friend who told me I was stupid to start blogging–by the way he sent me a random text tonight about Caillou. It actually made me laugh, but I’m not buying into the game. When we were really good friends a few years ago my youngest daughter had a bit of an obsession with Caillou. For those of you fortunate enough not to know what the heck I’m talking about, Google it. He’s a bald, whiny little boy, that complains about everything. I can’t stand that kid. Apparently my ex-friend’s (LOL) daughter was watching the show on television this evening.

Anyway, he is really the only friend that I can think of that I got into fights with. I mean really arguments. No matter how angry I am, I don’t say mean things to hurt people, and unfortunately he can’t say the same. When I argued with my friend “Lilly” the other night I was harsh, but never mean. I didn’t call her names or use mean language, or say one thing that I regret saying. What I said, she needed to hear. Whether she took it in or not, I have no idea. My guess is no, but I gave it a shot.

Today was hectic again. I feel like I have so much to do before we leave on vacation and not enough hours to get it all done. I need to do some serious cleaning tomorrow and organize the kids’ bedrooms. Even if I can just get the kitchen, living room and bathrooms set, I will be happy.

My back and hip are still pretty stiff and nothing I’m doing is really helping. I go back to the rheumatologist the week after I return from Florida, but even with all my online research, I’m just so hesitant to start anything new. I’m not great, but I’m certainly not as bad as I was during the winter. I think if I’m going to break down and try something new it will be when I’m in desperate need. I know I’ve asked a lot of questions through this blog on Lyrica and Cymbalta. Those two drugs seem to be what are commonly prescribed for fibromyalgia. The side effects make me really nervous. First of all with so many people claiming a 30lb weight gain with Lyrica, I’m super hesitant to jump on that bandwagon. I already feel as big as a house.

With Cymbalta I read things like thoughts of suicide, and other side effects. I know they have to list every single thing every person noted, but I get nervous. Right now I’m still on the Flexeril 10mg at night, but I really don’t feel like it’s doing that much. Lots of people say they feel sleepy and relaxed. I feel nothing…seriously nothing. Sometimes I wonder why I take it, but I think overall it does reduce my migraines because my neck doesn’t get as tight.

The other thing the rheumatologist is going to bring up is doing those trigger point shots again. I’m going to give those a big thumbs down for me. The first time I thought they really helped. I’m not sure if he hit a nerve, or if that’s even possible, but beginning just two days after the shots I add a marathon three-week migraine and I would prefer not to relive that experience…ever. What I might do is ask to try a different muscle relaxer, not necessarily a stronger one but possibly a different kind. Any thoughts on this? Is anyone taking something for fibro that they actually feel is helping?

It’s really difficult because I feel like the fibro is affecting all my muscles and the RA affects my joints. The combination is just not fun. I know it could be so much worse, but I’m trying to think ahead for the winter months and have some sort of plan of action in case I have a really bad winter again this year. Any help is appreciated. I know different drugs work for different people, but I’m always interested to hear what people think is actually helping them to feel better. There are dozens of medications and I’ve taken so many that I just don’t think have done anything for me. It’s just not worth the risk if it’s not helping.

Then I’ll add into the mix my yearly ob/gyn appointment. I work myself up into a frenzy each and every year, but this year I’m already a wreck. My appointment isn’t until August 5th, but I’ve already decided that I have a cyst on my ovary and I’ve probably waited too long to deal with it, and it’s going to be cancer. After all, I’m 42 and my mom died at 43, and this has been my fear all along. I don’t know how to stop the irrational fear…at least I hope it’s irrational, but I can’t shake it this year. I have been having pain on one side, similar to the type of pain I get with a cyst (which is all too common for me and they are usually normal). The truth is, I’m just scared. This is going to sound like the most conceited thing ever, but my kids won’t make it without me. I think about what their life would be like with my in-laws calling the shots. They haven’t got a chance.

So I can’t die. For that reason alone…my kids need their mother…I can’t die. It’s going to be a stressful few weeks and I see a few Xanax in my future. We do what we need to do to get by. One day at a time.

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