Pain Level 9


I’m not going to lie. I’m in terrible pain at the moment. Every time I try and get up my knees are so stiff and it hurts to walk. This is fairly new for me. It’s usually my hip, hands, and feet. My knees have never been an issue, but wow, today just got worse as it went on. I suppose I should start by updating on yesterday in case anyone is on the edge of their seat about the Nutcracker auditions or my son’s self-planned birthday party.

Yesterday was stressful for me. I don’t know why I panic so badly. I think it’s that I know my girls get nervous, and I just get so excited and want them to do well. We got there ridiculously early. They looked adorable. They were warmed up and ready to go. My little one gave the director a huge high five when he got there, so she was feeling comfortable. They both did really well during the audition. My little one isn’t as graceful, but dammit, she’s freakin adorable. She looked like she was having a blast up there, and that’s what mattered.

The only drama happened when the kids were given optional time to get up alone and do a “trick” or anything they want to show a skill to the director. Both of my girls had something planned. My older daughter (age 9) really wants a more ballet role this year so she worked for the past few weeks on three different moves she was going to do. She was going to do a cartwheel, and two different ballet moves to show him she had the ballet skills. Well, she panicked. She was first in line and she did her cartwheel and then walked off the stage. She did a beautiful cartwheel, but she wanted to do more. She looked at me and I just smiled and gave her a thumbs up, trying to assure her it was okay. None of the other kids did a lot of moves. This would have just set her apart form the others, which is what we were going for, but she still rocked the audition.

When they were done on stage she came over to me and started crying. She asked if I was upset with her and I told her I couldn’t be more proud of both of them. Just getting up there in a situation like that is huge, especially for my older daughter who is shy. And she rocked the audition. She has beautiful lines in her dancing. I don’t know whether it will be enough to get her the role she is dreaming of, but to be honest, she didn’t get the role she wanted last year and she still had a great time. I’m keeping my fingers crossed, but my goal of last night was to assure her how proud I was of her and that I thought she was terrific. There were a lot of kids that didn’t even get up to do a special trick, and both of my girls did. They tried something and that in itself says something about them.

Now we have to wait for a week and a half to find out what parts they get. This is the stressful part for me. I can’t wait!!

My son had his sleepover and that went okay. I have big concerns about him, though. While this year seems to be going better than last, my son is so insecure and he embellishes stories to fit in. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve talked and talked to him about it. I’ve punished him, I’ve tried to explain that he just needs to be himself. I’m at my wits end with the fibbing. I get that he wants to fit in, but he doesn’t see that people see that he’s making crap up. This is causing me a lot of stress. I talked a lot to him tonight and I really hope I got through to him by being brutally honest about how another parent brought it up to me. I know he was very embarrassed, but he had to hear it. I mean he’s not saying he’s got a million dollars or anything crazy, but he’s embellishing his performance at football, etc. He’s saying he made the tackle, when he definitely helped, but he wasn’t the sole person making the play. That kind of thing. It really comes down to his insecurity about his ability in sports. He isn’t as good as his friends, and he tries so hard to fit in.

This parenting stuff is so hard. I see why he’s doing it, but I need to get through to him because he’s finally made some nice friends and gotten away from the kids that weren’t so nice to him last year.

Fast forward to today, and I think I was just completely exhausted from all the anxiety yesterday. I did manage to get a nap in the afternoon, but my legs, which were sore from my class on Thursday, just got worse as the day went on. My hamstrings were tight from me doing some deadlifts on Thursday morning. That isn’t the pain that’s the issue though. I was sitting on the floor watching some clips on the computer with my daughter and I went to get up and I couldn’t straighten my legs. My knees were so stiff and in so much pain, it took me a few minutes to get up off the floor. I’m 42! It’s very frustrating. This is the first time in a while that I’ve thought to myself that I need to call the rheumatologist and talk about going back on the plaquenil.

Yesterday and today were a lot cooler in temperature, but we’re talking 65-70. We’re not even talking frost yet, but Monday is the first day of autumn and I have to reconcile the fact that with the colder weather the pain is going to get worse, not better. If I remember correctly, the plaquenil took a few months to really kick in for me, so I really need to think about what the heck I’m doing. My plan was to wait until I saw the endocrinologist on October 9th before I made any changes, but I may change that plan. This is something else that I need to get used to. My “plan” might not stick, and my body will likely be dictating the plan from now on.

Did I mention that autoimmune diseases suck? Rheumatoid arthritis sucks! I have never understood what it’s like to have knee pain. I taught step aerobics for years and had a lot of people who had knee issues here and there, but I’ve never had stiffness there. It’s always been the hip for me. I did some light RA reading today and found that it does fluctuate and doesn’t always hurt the same joints. Oh joy! Surprise me RA…I am so excited to see what hurts tomorrow. I’m not going to let it ruin my day, though. I have my flamingo cane. I have to go to church for the first time in months because the kids start CCD, and then my son has a football game.

I need to participate in life, pain or not. It’s definitely easier to do without pain, though.



1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. ahadithstudies
    Sep 21, 2014 @ 15:15:30

    Hi, have you tried diet modification? see for free advice and tips


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