Insomnia Again

sleepy-kittens

I should be sleeping. If you’re reading this shortly after it’s posted, you should be sleeping, too! Not being able to sleep just plain sucks. I took 10mg of melatonin a few hours ago along with a xanax. Usually that combination is enough to make me tired by 11-11:30PM, but tonight it’s not doing the trick–not even close. I can’t even say there is something bothering me that’s keeping me awake. Today was relatively uneventful.

I went into the pediatrician’s office and it was my slowest day there in weeks. I was actually able to catch up on a few other things. My pain level is low and I’m not feeling bad at all. So why the hell am I wide awake? I have no idea. I’m one of those people that has a very tough time shutting down for the night. Sure, I hear you saying, turn the computer off. Turn the television off and it will be easier to sleep, but it’s not like I haven’t tried that. I find that to be even more frustrating because then it’s just me alone with my thoughts, and sometimes that’s not a great thing. I tend to overthink things when I have spare time.

I can almost laugh at the idea of spare time. What mom of three with autoimmune diseases like rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, and Raynaud’s has spare time? My spare time is usually spent napping during the day whenever I can catch a few minutes of alone time. My house is a complete disaster, yet my nap comes first and I’ve learned to be okay with that. There are days I wish I was a neat freak, but I also know it would put a lot more stress on my body if I didn’t stop and rest when I need to.

Lately I’ve been really trying to listen to my own body and let that dictate what I can and can’t do. I didn’t get to my cardio workout today, mostly because it was rainy and cold and I couldn’t walk outside. Tomorrow there will be no excuses. My calves and shins with be much better by tomorrow so after my class, I’m walking or getting on the stupid elliptical. At least I can say I haven’t been eating too many snacks. I’ve been stick to regular meals and not having snacks unless I am really hungry.

I did get some rather bad news today about my uncle. He’s my mom’s step-brother and that family tree has a lot of crooked and broken branches since my mother’s death. In the years since my mom passed away, this uncle cut ties with the rest of the family except me. My mom was the family peace maker and I somehow took over that role, mostly because I’m kind to all of them. I don’t talk about any of them badly, and I really do try and understand each of their side.

My cousin posted on Facebook today that his father was entering a hospice facility. We haven’t spoken since my grandmother passed away a few years ago and there was a big fiasco with the will. This particular uncle wanted to hire a lawyer and sue another uncle. Long story short, my brother and I were told by my grandmother that her will was split two ways between her two children with half going to my mom’s biological brother and half to be split between my brother and I since my mother was no longer living. When the will was read, everything went to my mom’s brother. We knew my grandmother had opted to cut the two step-brothers out of the will, and I advised against it because of the drama it would cause afterward, little did I know, I’d be involved in the drama and my uncle would walk away with everything and send us a letter postmarked from France with a check for $5,000 that was portioned to us from the will. Suffice it to say, if the will was what my grandmother had told us, it would have been closer to $150,000.

I had a choice. Do I cut off everyone over my anger when I really have no other connection to my mom? I was hurt and pissed off, but I made the decision to not discuss it again with them and move forward. We know my uncle convinced her to change the will, but there is nothing we can do to change it. It’s my mom’s brother and I needed to let go of my anger. That didn’t happen over night, but it did happen (not that I don’t have my moments).

Anyway, I haven’t seen my mom’s step-brother since my grandmother’s funeral. They live in another state and hate my mom’s biological brother. Are you following this? Is every family this crazy? To be honest, individually, I think they are all good people. They just have a grudge against each other stemming from childhood. Their arguments go back to silly things like a typewriter my grandmother gave to one grandkid at Christmas. Ridiculous things! I guess I’m just wondering at the end of my uncle’s life if he’s thinking of some of those moments and realizing how truly unimportant they were in the whole scheme of things. He hasn’t really spoken to his own biological brother in years (and yes, I talk to him, too).

I don’t know. If nothing else today I realized that though I have made many mistakes in my life, I think I’ve always put my kids first. I’ve always let my family know that I love them, and no matter how pissed I am, I try to find a way to work it out. Now that’s easy to say because my immediate family rarely does anything to piss me off. My biggest issue is not being invited to my niece’s Christening (I’m still not over that). I love my brother’s wife to pieces. She’s truly a wonderful person, but her family always comes first and they area  huge family. In an effort to cut down on the party size, she had the godparents and grandparents only. Um…I only have one brother and he’s all I have. That was the one and only time I ever have told them I’ve been upset…and I was hurt. I got the invite after I expressed my feelings and opted to go to the church and not the party as a matter of principle.

It’s now 12:45 and I’m no closer to sleep, just stalling trying to sleep by jabbering on about my family dynamic. Families are just so odd. My life would have been a lot different if my mom was alive because she was the glue of the family. She did all the holidays. She was the only person who talked to everyone in the family. That fell to my shoulders at 14. We stopped doing big holidays and no one invited my brother and I to their family get togethers. We celebrated stuff with my dad and step-mother after that and it wasn’t the warm, Italian event we were used to. Not bad, just different.

Anyway, it’s time for me to pretend like I’m tired. Too late for an Ambien. This means I’m definitely going to need a nap tomorrow.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Rebekah Miller
    Oct 03, 2014 @ 03:13:52

    I can’t speak for all families, but mine is pretty crazy-in-a-bad-way. As a 32yr old adult, I deal with the shenanigans by staying away from them. They enjoy sweeping people up in their drama, forcing people to choose sides, spreading nasty rumors about whom they’re currently fighting with, and, frankly, my mother and sister are downright abusive. Then there is their possession oriented nature…When my father or grandmother give me something, my (adult) brother and (adult) sister throw huge tantrums over the injustice of it all. It’s barely worth accepting the gift knowing there will be a huge, gossipy, shit storm in the near future because of it.

    So, yeah, my family is probably more crazy than yours. My brother and sister didn’t tell me when their children were born or what their names were if that makes you feel any better about the christening experience…

    Reply

  2. abodyofhope
    Oct 09, 2014 @ 09:42:50

    I was going to be one of “those people” and ask if you had ever tried Biofeedback therapy for pain and sleep, but then I realized I’m awake at 4:30am reading your post…

    Reply

    • autoimmunemamabear
      Oct 10, 2014 @ 02:21:39

      I have tried biofeedback for my migraines and didn’t have much success, but that being said, when I tried it it was one of my worst migraines ever so I’m not sure the few sessions I did were a thoroughly fair shot.

      Reply

  3. abodyofhope
    Oct 10, 2014 @ 12:08:17

    Well, if I can be completely candid, I am kind of a Biofeedback wiz, and it doesn’t help me with my migraines all that much either. I think it’s wonderful, and I did the training for 8 months. It helps with the lock jaw and insomnia and awesome for stress caused by pain so the Pain cycle is helped GREATLY (and I have multiple chronic pain conditions) but the actual migraine pain I don’t think are relieved by the biofeedback. So, as much as i advocate it, I must be honest…

    Reply

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