Hitting an Emotional Wall

 

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It’s been a really long time since I have written a blog. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I have written a few and then deleted them because I thought they sucked or I thought I’d get myself into trouble for saying too much.

I don’t handle loss well. I mean, who really does? But I don’t feel emotionally equipped to handle another big loss in my life. I lost my mom when I was 14. I lost my grandmother, whom I was extremely close with when I was in my early thirties. I lost my step-father two years ago next month. I wasn’t expecting that loss. We didn’t know he was that sick. I think he didn’t want us to see him that sick and they also didn’t realize it was that bad. I saw him for the last real time, and knew he wasn’t going to be with us much longer. I was glad we had the chance to talk and I could tell him how much he meant to me. You see…he didn’t have to stay in my life after my mom died.  Years later he went on and married again and they didn’t need to include my brother in and I in their lives. But they did. Not once were we ever treated like we were anything less than his kids. I maintain a good relationship with his wife now. She’s one of the loveliest people you could know.

So that hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized it was not only losing him as a person, it was losing one more link to my mom. Right now my step-mother’s cancer has returned. I get so much anxiety that I don’t know how to ask. I’m afraid I’m going to react terribly and make things worse. I asked my dad tonight when he came to a cheer event for my daughter and he said the cancer is growing and they either want her to do chemo again, or a study at Yale, or both. I know it’s not good.

She hasn’t been coming to a lot of things because she’s not feeling great. I don’t know what to say. We’ve not always had an easy relationship. In fact, I’d classify the teen years as horrendous. But we’ve grown closer as I’ve gotten older. She’s a wonderful grandmother to my kids and someone that I can count on. She’s that person that when you’re really sick, you want them to take you to the ER because you know ou husband will just annoy you, LOL.

So as I sit here in tears I’m asking myself how does someone truly prepare to lose a loved one. I don’t think you can. I think the answer is to spend as much time as you can with them. Have those quality moments. But the bottom line is, I’ll never be ready to say goodbye.

 

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