Just Surviving

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I feel like it’s an accomplishment that I survived today. We had a gymnastics birthday party for my daughter with 12 kids (other than mine) and it was hectic. I’m not sure what was funnier to me, the girl that wanted me to buy her a gymnastics outfit instead of giving her a gift bag, or that my mother-in-law said one inappropriate thing after another.

My neighbor was talking about a situation her older daughter is having with a co-worker and that she tried to talk to her boss about it, but nothing has been done. My mother-in-law blurted out, “Oh is he gay?”

I’m not sure how she draws conclusions. My brother-in-law and I had to walk away because we were laughing so hard. I used to spend time trying to explain to her that her comments could be taken as rude, insensitive, and inappropriate, but I gave up on that about 8 years ago. She isn’t going to change.

Tonight I’m fighting a headache. I’ve been able to stay on top of the pain, so it’s not bad, but I realized that I skipped taking my birth control pill last night and that always triggers a migraine for me. As soon as I realized it, I took the pill this afternoon, so I’m hoping between that and some over the counter meds that I don’t wake up with a bad headache tomorrow.

It’s bad enough that the temperature is going to be -14 tomorrow morning. I don’t need a migraine on top of dealing with that. The front of my thighs are hurting me tonight; one more than the other. I’m not sure what that’s about. Of course, my mind jumped to the fact that I work with the computer on my lap all day and it’s probably a tumor.

Tomorrow is also a school holiday and then we have a snow storm coming on Tuesday. At this rate, the kids will be in school until July.

So I need to get back on the diet wagon tomorrow. I am thoroughly disgusted with myself. I allowed myself to fail…again. Tomorrow begins a new week and I’m going to give it my all. I’m going to ignore the fact that I made banana bread today and that I’m likely the only one who will eat it. I need to get serious before it starts to get warm.

I was good about exercising last week, so I plan to keep that up. I didn’t do anything today and did plan to, but I got sucked into watching the Saturday Night Live Anniversary Special. It was great watching some of those older sketches with Phil Hartman, Chris Farley, Will Ferrell, etc.

I’ll get back to my elliptical that I hate tomorrow. It’s good for me, and I need to work up to a longer amount of time. We’ll see. I was thinking of pulling out my step and doing an old step class. I miss it. It was my favorite class to teach.

I need to get back to doing it a few times a week. It will break up the monotony to spending 30 minutes on the elliptical. It’s now 12:30 and I’m still wide awake. I’m going to have to take a half an Ambien to get some rest.

If you’re on the upper East Coast, try to stay warm.

Tech Week Doesn’t Stop for Arthritis

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The show must go on is my motto this week. It’s tech week for The Nutcracker, and if you have no idea what that means, it is the prior to the show where they rehearse every night and are given directors notes. Basically I have enough time to feed the girls dinner, help with homework and run out the door to get to the rehearsal.

My girls each have two parts in the show this year. Translation, there is no leaving before the show is done. Tonight we got home around 9:30. That’s late for my kids.

I knew today wasn’t going to be my best after I tried to get up off my stool at the pediatrician’s office that I had been sitting on all morning. I could hardly stand, let alone stand up straight. I must have looked ridiculous walking hunched over in from of people I hardly know. I really only see people there on my way in. For the most part I’m in an office by myself either on the phone or seeing patients.

My back just continued to seize up and then my damn toe started with that weird cramp/locked feeling. My pinky and fourth to cramp together and I can’t separate them or straighten them. If that sounds fun, I assure you it’s hell. Hell meaning you can’t stand on the foot, or even let go of it. Try having that happen at a dance rehearsal. At one point I was sitting holding my toes and trying not to scream.

I sound like Debbie Downer, but Tech Week is also a lot of fun. There is a cast of 240 children and teens with a full orchestra. It’s truly an amazing show and an incredible experience for the kids to see how a professional show is done. As any mom would, I can’t get enough of seeing my girls on stage dancing. My older daughter (9) is graceful and elegant. My younger daughter is not so graceful, but she’s a darn good actress. There’s no speaking roles, but her first role is a scurry mouse and she has to look angry, then scared, then cheer for the mice king, and then eventually leave the stage crying when he dies. I can’t stop laughing at my little drama queen up there waving her arms in the air and mouthing “WHY!” at the end. That kid belongs on the stage. I don’t know if she loves the dancing as much as her sister, but I think she’ll find something she likes on stage to do.

So it’s going to be a long few more days. I plan to nap tomorrow and I’m not sure I’ll get much done on Monday. I know my body well enough to know I’m running it too hard and something’s going to give. I’ve already started my immune support supplements and vitamin C to ward off a cold or something like that, but it’s my own body that I can’t avoid. When I push through to do the things I need or want to do, my body doesn’t always want to follow along.

I’m praying that I make it through the weekend without my cane, but I’m not going to miss any of it. I can’t. Moments like I’ll have this weekend are so important to me. Watching your child do something they love, whether it’s performing or doing a sport or art, there’s just nothing like seeing your baby excel.

Not to be left out, my son starting up wrestling again. This isn’t my favorite sport. I get nervous, though he did well last year. I missed his first two matches because of Nutcracker. I think he’ll be the most pleased when this week is over.

Anyway, I took a half an Ambien because even though I’m wiped out, I knew my head would hit the pillow and I’d be wide awake. Say a prayer that I can nap tomorrow. Even my cats miss me!

Arthritis Hands Suck and Other Musings

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Everyone is posting on Facebook with their pumpkin recipes, jack-o-lanterns, and fall-themed things. To me, fall means the start of cold weather and the start of increased pain. Today was the first day in a while that I spent in bed most of the day. I couldn’t get warm, even with my heated blanket. My hands were cold, stiff, and painful. And to top it off, my youngest daughter faked being sick (age 8) because she missed coming to the gym with me.

You know those times where you are in a lot of pain and just want to sleep and something is talking incessantly? Yep, that was my day. I got to watch youtube videos on how I need to do her makeup tomorrow for her Elsa costume. She talked and talked…and talked. Even though she was incredibly annoying today (and I say that with love), I love the age she’s as and her out-of-the-box thinking. I love her exuberance about everything. Even on days like this, I know I’m very blessed to have my kids. They are everything.

I just spent the last 20 minutes on Amazon shopping for heated gloves. Those suckers are expensive. I’m going to try and buy a set of those heat packs for gloves and see if that helps. I have to go to my son’s football game on Sunday and it’s going to be cold. I don’t want to miss it because it’s the first game that he’s a starting player. I know I have written a lot about my son, and that he’s just not the star athlete that he wants to be, but for him, this is a huge moment. The coaches noticed how hard he’s been working and playing and they shifted him to a starting player because of it.

Don’t ask what position he’s playing because I probably don’t know, but I have heard nose guard and some other kind of guard. Someday I’ll be a football mom and understand the game, but for now I’m just super proud of my son. I feel guilty without much to say about my middle daughter today. She is thrilled that I’m going to be the room mom at Nutcracker this weekend and that I can finally see her practice the Ginger Clown piece.

I feel like everything else I have to say tonight is more of a grumble on not feeling well. I’m trying to keep my head up for my appointment on Tuesday, but I have to be prepared for the “non-answer” and no solution. I just want a reason for getting this heavy. I’m not eating enough to be this fat. I never thought I’d be one of those people looking for the quick fix to lose weight, but at the moment, that’s me. It just sucks. I hope the endocrinologist will at least let me try metformin based on my symptoms. but I have no idea.

Tomorrow is a busy day and I can’t sleep (even with a half an ambien). I have to work with my tutoring client and then my daughter’s class has a large pumpkin carving event at school. The whole fourth grade participates and she’s so excited about it. Then we’re coming home and getting ready to go to a party at the neighbors for Halloween. It’s very casual, and then we’ll go trick-or-treating. I know it will be fun, but walking around in the cold doesn’t sound appealing at the moment. I’ll get in the spirit at some point during the day tomorrow.

I just wish I could get some sleep now so I can stay awake and have some energy for it. I’m off to try. Sleep well friends!

Memories…

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It’s so funny how two people can have very different memories of the same exact situation. I had a former college fling contact me on Facebook last week. I hesitate to even call it a fling…it was college, wasn’t everything a fling? He was actually one of the first people I met in college and he was in a few of my classes. We hung out a lot and became friends. I remember doing a lot of things together as friends and one or two evenings in which there was a little kissing.

Anyway, that’s not the point of my post. The post is that I ended up just having a hour long conversation with him and it was so nice to catch up. Life has been good to him, which is always nice to hear. It was just funny to hear him talk about our college days and our little fling. According to him, the reason we “broke up” was because I went back to my crazy boyfriend (I’ll explain about him in a moment). According to me, he was in love with another girl that was away at another college. I thought things just never really went anywhere, and there was no real drama or breakup, we were just always friends, and then the following year we weren’t in classes together and I didn’t see him much.

The story he remembered was a day the car I was borrowing broke down. I commuted to the school and it was about an hour away. I needed my ex-boyfriend to come up and help me with the car because it belonged to his brother, and his brother wasn’t around. The plan was that he was going to call me when he got to town and I’d meet him back at the car, but in the meantime I was going to go to work with my friend Steve, who worked as a camp counselor with young kids in a day program. I had so much fun that day with the kids, until my ex-boyfriend showed up like a lunatic wanting to know if I was sleeping with Steve.

Let me giving a quick overview of my ex. I was young–very young. He was older, attractive, but extremely jealous and a bit crazy. He cheated on me and we broke up, but apparently the thought that I could be interested in someone else really bothered him. I never did go back to him, but he always seemed to be lurking around for a long time after that.

I thought Steve went back to the girlfriend, but I guess that never happened. Tonight he told me that he really wanted to date me at that time, but thought I was going back to the crazy ex. Funny how things work out when people don’t communicate. I had no idea the guy was even that interested. That’s what no self-esteem does for you! I never thought that someone like him, who I saw as this great guy, would be interested in me. I thought I had to settle for the crazy ones!

It was nice to catch up and fun to relive some memories. Hard to believe how long it’s been, but it was nice to swap stories about our lives and kids, etc. There aren’t a lot of people from my past that I’m not in contact with already that I’m dying to hear from, but I was really happy to hear from him…even if he did post a picture of me with really big 1991 hair!

Tonight was the finale of The Wizard of Oz. I am officially exhausted. I’m really proud of my daughter. I know she has a long way to go in terms of stage presence and acting, but for the first time, she wasn’t nervous or panicked going on stage, with the exception of the first night. As much as all these shows were a lot on me, I think they helped her over her fear.

My body is super tired, though. The problem is that my mind doesn’t agree with my body. I just a half an Ambien to try and get some rest. The chilly nights have also been a little tough on my arthritis. Last night my hip was pretty bad, and tonight my toe is bothering me. It’s manageable, but I’m really looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow and relaxing. I am hoping not to have to get out of bed until 10AM.

I do have to talk about a new symptom, one that I did bring up to my doctor, but he kind of shrugged off last time. My one eye feels like it gets so dry and nothing helps. It gets to the point where it feels like there is something inside of it. I know this can be a symptom of sjogren’s syndrome, which is another autoimmune disease, but my rheumatologist didn’t think it was that since it was mainly one eye. I am going to bring it up again because both eyes feel dry, but the one eye feels like something is stuck in it. No amount of drops really helps.

It’s on my to-talk-about list. My appointment is either the 15th or the 19th. I have to call Monday and confirm. I definitely will not be doing the trigger point shots again. For now I’m going to go read what I can about sjogren’s syndrome so I can tell you more about it tomorrow…and hold an intelligent conversation about it with my doctor.

Migraine, Angry, and Tired of the Wizard

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It’s probably not a good mom thing to say, but I’m a little bit tired of the Wizard of Oz at the moment. I’m glad we have three days off. I watched the whole show again tonight and I came home with a migraine, complete with auras and shooting light issues. I’m going to be upfront and say I just took an Ambien, so I have about 10 minutes to write a halfway decent blog before I lost all sense of reality.

I have written two blogs and not published them over the past two days. Yesterday’s blog was a complete angry overshare. I’m pissed at my husband. The problem is not only am I pissed at him for crap he’s doing now, I’m pissed at him for something he did 7 years ago and I realized that I just can’t let it go. That’s not good or healthy. It’s not that it’s something on my mind 24/7, but when we sat down to talk about why I feel like I’m last on his list behind his mom, sisters, work, etc. and I started to give examples it just hit me. There was no greater example and perhaps that’s something that I just can’t forgive.

I was hesitant about writing about it, even in an anonymous blog because it’s an issue I don’t discuss much; not with friends or family. I have a few select friends who know the story, but most know bits and pieces that I’ve allowed them to know. I always say I’m not a people person and I get mocked for that because I come across friendly and nice. It’s not that I’m not nice, it’s more that I don’t know how to let people in or let them get to know me. I’m not special or cool, and I certainly wouldn’t let most people see my pain. But then today I thought it might be therapeutic in some ways to write it, so I will. If I regret it tomorrow…I’ll just never discuss this blog post again and we can’t forget it ever happened.

I had a terrible time getting pregnant. I had several miscarriages before I eventually found a fertility specialist that allowed me to tell him what I wanted to do to get pregnant. I was a crazy person…a true maniac on the subject. I researched everything to the point that I couldn’t stop. I knew so much that when we met with the new reproductive endocrinologist and I discussed everything with him, he asked me what type of physician I was. My husband nearly burst out laughing.

Anyway, my new doctor was wonderful and I had three successful pregnancies on the first try each time I tried with him. When we tried for the third baby, however, things didn’t go smooth. Well, I had horrid pregnancies with hyperemesis and IVs at home, but that’s a story for another day. My third pregnancy was a triplet pregnancy. When you hear you are pregnant with triplets and you have a 2-year-old and a 1-year-old at home, I can assure you the reaction is not one of joy…it’s terror.

We lost one baby very early on, and came to terms with the fact that we were going to have four children under the age of 4. I was a mess. I was scared. I’m 5-feet-tall and at the time I weighed about 105. I was already high risk because of the hyperemesis, but now I was in a whole new category of high risk. They were worried I wouldn’t physically be able to carry the babies to term and would need bed rest, but whatever, I’d do what I need to do.

At 16 weeks I went for an ultrasound and one of the babies had died. I don’t remember the details of that day very well. I insisted on going in to work and didn’t discuss it with anyone there. In fact, I didn’t tell them for about a week, and when I did I just blurted it out because I didn’t know how to tell them. There were so many things that happened all at once but the main concern was for the baby that was still alive. It was looking like she had severe issues. They did a higher level ultrasound and diagnosed her with clubbed feet. I was told that a lot of people in the past chose to abort babies with clubbed feet because of potential other issues. I’ll never forget that sentence as long as I live.

Because I’m a maniac, I then researched every possible thing on clubbed feet. I knew what kind of treatment my daughter would have and that it needed to begin within three days of birth. It involved full leg casting that changed weekly and then bracing for years. I was prepared.

I gave birth to my baby on February 12, 2007 and I was afraid to look at her at first. There’s that innate fear of, “omg, what if it’s so bad they can’t fix it.” I didn’t look. I let her latch on and breast feed and I snuggled her tight and promised her I’d never let her go and I’d never let anything bad happen to her. From that moment on, I became the most protective mom you’ve ever seen. I’m an overprotective mom in general, but I can’t even put into words what it felt like. I just knew I had to protect her from the world.

She got cast on a three days old and we were told that her feet and legs “weren’t that bad.” I forgot to mention that my sister-in-law (husband’s sister) and I were due 7 days apart. She had an easy pregnancy. So there I was with my three week old baby in casts (she was born 5 weeks early) and I felt something happening to me. I had intense cramping like labor. Minutes later, I passed a large mass of tissue. When I looked closer (as gross as that sounds) I could see that it was the remains of a partially formed baby. It was small, very small…maybe 4 inches. I called the doctor and they told me to bring it in to the ER to be analyzed to be sure, but why? What for?

So that brings me to the part of the story where I get mad at my husband. About an hour before that happened we got the call that his sister was in labor. His family does everything together. The fact that I wanted no one at the hospital until after the baby was born was almost world ending for them. They called the house and wanted my husband to come to the hospital. It didn’t matter that we had two toddlers and a newborn. But then this happened. And he still went…

And I don’t forgive for that. I’m not looking for anyone to make any nasty comments about him please. I actually do really care for him. We had a long talk today and I really went off about this. He said that he’s apologized a million times, but to be honest I think today was the first time he’s apologized and said if he had to do it again he would never have made that choice again. But it is done and I can’t let it go. And that’s when things fell apart because nothing anyone can say or do will ever convince me that I’m more of a priority that his family. If I wasn’t a priority on one of the hardest days of my life, I never will be.

Ok, well this blog is a complete downer and I really try not to do that, but if you’re still reading it, thank you for letting me ramble this out. Sometimes you just need to get your feelings out, and for me, this isn’t a story that I tell, and it certainly isn’t an easy one, so thank you for listening.

On a MUCH lighter note. The Breakfast Club is on tv and I haven’t seen this movie in YEARS. What a great movie. You young people that haven’t seen it need to watch it! I remember when this came out, and it’s still hilarious. I got talked into watching The Notebook last night. I’m not much of a movie person, but it was sweet. I’m not sure what all the hype was about, but it was a sweet story. I might try and read the book in all my spare time now that my son is starting football practice. Oh yes Monday through Thursday 5:30-8:30, because I have nothing else to do!

At least for the first few weeks it’s at the high school and I can walk the track. Maybe I’ll lose more weight.

Oh My Aching Back

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There’s no question why my body is rebelling at the moment. I have been going in high gear for more than a week, driving my kids from one practice to another, trying to keep up with work, social activities, sports, voice lessons, doctor’s appointments, and family obligations. I knew at some point soon my body would cry uncle and that day was today. I actually woke up okay, but as the day went on my body got more and more stiff, starting with my back and going into my hips, knees, and feet. At this point even my hands hurt. It’s the first time in quite a while I opted to take medication for the pain.

I didn’t think I’d fall asleep and I have to be up early for a meeting tomorrow, so Ambien was out of the question. I figure I have a good 20 minutes before the pain medication begins to hit. I can catch up with a blog. Besides, the pain medication doesn’t affect me nearly as bad as the Ambien. It just seems to take the edge off the pain without making me all crazy, like Ambien.

Today I started to get a little stressed about our upcoming vacation to Disney. I’m looking forward to it. Obviously I love seeing my children excited, I just don’t like tension, and traveling with family…especially my in-laws, can be tough. I’m just trying to make the trip about my kids and what they want to do. It’s going to be up to them and we’re going to play things by ear without over planning too much. Last time we have to follow everyone else’s schedule and I won’t do that again. I don’t mean to sound like I’m not excited. I am starting to get excited. I think I always get nervous before I travel.

This is the first big trip I’m taking since being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. The last time we went to Disney, I had not problem walking for 9 hours a day for 8 days in a row. I don’t know how I’m going to do this time. Actually it was the week after we returned home that I felt like I got hit with a bus. At first I thought my legs were sore from all the walking,  but instead of getting better, it got worse and worse. The doctor diagnosed me with Lyme disease. That was the beginning of my journey with autoimmune disease.

After the course of treatment for Lyme didn’t help, I was sent to a rheumatologist, who didn’t think I ever really had Lyme disease. Long story short, here I am with RA and fibro, and I’m a little panicked about how I’m going to handle walking Disney in the July heat from sun up to sundown. I’ll be fine on the first day, but what if I can’t do it on the second day? Do I bring my cane? Do I think about renting a scooter? OMG, I’m thinking about possible renting a freakin Hoveround at Disney. This is a new low!

I suppose I’ll figure it all out next week and I won’t worry about it at 12:45AM when I have a meeting in the morning.

A short recap of everything else that’s happened. My daughter sang in her recital yesterday. It was such a huge moment for her. Two months ago she refused to even try to sing in it because she was so scared. She’s come so far in the past few years, but especially these last few months. I knew she was scared on the way there, but the little girl she was singing with was a little ham, and that really put my daughter at ease. The other little girl is very sweet and silly, which brought my daughter out of her shell, so to speak, and she started to have more fun with it. Heck, she even cracked a smile a few times during the performance.

She didn’t sing alone, and it wasn’t one of the solos that blows me away during her voice lessons. The songs were light and easy, but she did it, and even more than that, she said it was FUN! That was a huge moment in her life. I was a very proud mama!

My son is having a tough time with travel baseball. He’s in a hitting slump and it’s psychological. He thinks he sucks, and he’s telling that to himself. We bring him to the batting cage and the kid nails the ball. He gets up in front of the pitcher and he freezes. About 75% of the time he gets a walk because at the moment he’s the smallest kid on the team (he has my genes) and the pitchers have trouble adjusting pitches to him. The other 25% of the time he strikes out. Tonight I had a long conversation with him about this time vs, his spring team where he was hitting the ball really well. I think he really just doesn’t believe he can do it on this team. I have my work cut out for me, but I will get him confidence up.

And baby #3 is still vying for starting makeup tutorials on youtube. I have no idea where she comes from, but that kid just keeps me laughing all the time. From making me buy a kabuki brush so I can properly apply loose powder, to making sure I only apply blush to the apples of my cheeks, she is one smart cookie. I feel like so much time is devoted to her brother and sister’s activities that I need to make sure she gets back into her own things in the fall. Having three kids is not cheap!

Anyway, I should try and get some sleep now that my pain is slowly subsiding with the medicine. I don’t like taking this stuff, but I’m so thankful I have it for nights like tonight.

 

 

Diet: Day Two–I’m HUNGRY

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I’m hungry. I’m really hungry. I was fine until about 4pm today, and then I started to get hungry. I ate my dinner, and then I had a few pieces of mango, which is not included in my diet. Then, I had two spoonfuls of rice pudding. I’m sorry! I did it! We’re moving on. I exercised for over an hour today in class so, I’m giving myself a little break. Mango is healthy and rice pudding, well, well, it was two damn spoonfuls.

I don’t feel as well as I have been the past few days. While my energy level is still up, my allergies are terrible and I’m not sure if that is causing my headache or if I’m on the verge of a migraine. My right hip is also bothering me quite a bit today, but it’s still nothing like it was a few weeks ago in the cold weather, so I’m trying not to complain.

My 9-year-old just woke up after having a nightmare about our old dog. We had to put her down a few years ago after she was diagnosed with bone cancer at 12-years-old. She was my first baby. That dog never left my side through three miscarriages and years of infertility hell. It’s not that I don’t love our current dog, she is very sweet. She’s just not the brightest bulb if you know what I mean. Anyway, my daughter dreamed that a huge rock fell on my dog and she woke up crying.

Truth be told, she went to bed with a lot on her mind. Apparently one of the girls in her class made a “friends” list today and opted to leave my daughter off of it. My daughter has some very nice friends in the class, in fact her best friend is in the same class and said something to the girl who then said, “well, everyone always tells her she’s pretty and she’s stuck up.” Okay, let me explain something about my daughter. My oldest daughter (the one who was called stuck up) was painfully shy. She has come so far in the past few years, but in kindergarten, she didn’t speak to anyone other than one friend and the teacher for months.

She made some really nice friends in first grade, but still refused to raise her hand in class, or speak in front of the class. She was truly afraid and panicked, and I understood that, because that’s how I was as a child…heck, sometimes that’s how I am as an adult. My older daughter is my easiest child because she just seems to get along with everyone. She has a very easy going personality, and chooses friends that are really positive, nice kids. Maybe this girl misunderstand my daughter’s shyness for being stuck up, or maybe this kid is just a snot herself.

Girls are just mean. It’s funny when this kid was here for my daughter’s birthday party (for those of you that read that post, she was the one on her damn iPad all night) I told my daughter if she ever behaved like that at someone else’s house, I’d be very angry. So I think my daughter had a lot on her mind. She’s sound asleep next to me at the moment.

This parenting stuff is hard! There are no rule books when you want to call another mom and tell her child off…of course that would be inappropriate, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have the urge to do it.

I think for the first time in a while I might pop a half an Ambien and put an ice pack on the back of my head. I was going to get into the story of how my friend deleted me on Facebook again…oh heck, it’s a quick one. Refer back to this post about my friend who thinks my blog is a bad idea.  We hadn’t talked much since that day. We exchanged a few texts or Facebook messages, but usually when we have any sort of argument he deletes me as his Facebook friend. About four or five years ago when we were really close, this would upset me because at the time I was really trying to help him and his kids through a rough time, and he knows just what to say to set me off.

For whatever reason, after this argument he didn’t delete me, and things just went on as normal. We weren’t mad at each other, or at least I wasn’t really mad at him anymore, but I also didn’t have any real desire to hang out or anything like that. I enjoyed seeing his posts regarding the kids, etc. Anyway, the day after the wedding last week when I was feeling like a turquoise sausage he messaged me, and I snapped at him about not wanting to discuss how fat I looked. Okay, it probably was uncalled for, and he never had called me ugly, but I was having a really low moment.

When I went back a day or two later to send a quick note to say, I was sorry and I didn’t mean to snap, I realized he unfriended me. My usual M.O. is to ignore it, but because I knew I snapped at him, I sent him a note asking him why he deleted me. I’m sure that in itself shocked him. When he made some comment about how he didn’t have time in his life for me to be mean to him, I did apologize and explain that I was really having a tough moment and took it out on him. Anyway, he accepted my apology, and we moved forward. I did get in a “keep in touch” and that made me laugh because it’s just nonsense.

So in the spirit of getting rid of toxic friends, perhaps he got rid of me, and I’m tossing out a few people that have been driving me nuts lately and choosing to surround myself with positive people. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle. It’s perfectly okay to have a day or two (or more) where you aren’t okay. But, I am choosing to try and be positive as much as I can about my life. Some days it sucks, but I realize how much I have to be thankful for, and one of the three biggest reasons is sound asleep next to me.

It’s funny when you put all the petty bullshit aside and focus on what really matter, life gets somewhat easier. My family and my health, then my friends and my job. My cats obviously factor in there, and we can’t forget about Brutus! Have a good night.

 

 

 

 

Happy Easter!

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Oh Easter…the candy, the eggs that are still in my refrigerator waiting to be colored because we never had time to do it, the sugar high during church, the guests that were supposed to arrive for dinner at 2pm that showed up at 3:40. I could go on…and knowing me, I probably will. It wasn’t a bad Easter, though. For the first holiday ever, my kids got up at 6:15AM. Usually it’s me, waiting for them to wake up and open things. This year, I wanted to sleep.

Remember that plan last night about not taking the half of an Ambien? I totally didn’t stick to the plan because I decided that it was best that I fall asleep early and get some real sleep because I haven’t been sleeping at all lately and I wasn’t tired. It was blissful as I realized that I was falling asleep. I shut the computer off before I sent any emails or made any purchases that I don’t remember (at least I think I did). I felt myself drifting off to sleep, which is a feeling that I love.

Having insomnia really sucks. You desperately try and have that feeling of falling asleep. You look for it. You try too hard to feel it, and it doesn’t come. You just can’t make sleep happen. Actually, I know a few people who can…I don’t like them. Mostly because I’m jealous! I so enjoy those moments when I know I’m drifting off. It’s true peace. There’s no pain, there’s really no feeling at all. It’s just kind of a nothing. Maybe that’s why I like it so much.

Anyway, I enjoyed my nothing, and I paid for it in the morning when my kids woke up and wanted to hunt for eggs at 6:15. I don’t think I even remember the egg hunt. I watched them open their presents…no I didn’t do baskets. That crap isn’t for me. I just do two little things each kid and a candy. My middle daughter made the biggest deal in Target about this carry-on suitcase that she had to have. The kid was thrilled when she unwrapped it and even more thrilled when there was stuffed dog inside. She’s so practical…totally doesn’t get that from me.

The little one has a list a mile long of toys she wants (that one takes after me). She got this princess pet cat thing and a Lalaloopsy thing, and my son got a Lego thing and a box of baseball cards. All kids were happy, and mom went back to bed for an hour (happy mom).

The rest of our day was pretty casual. I had dinner here, but it was a small, late crowd. This type of thing normally would have sent me over the edge. I don’t like tardiness, especially when I’m cooking. I guess because I didn’t put a lot into the meal this year, I just let it all roll of my back and didn’t let it bother me as it usually would have. My potatoes were a little over done. My salmon would have been better if it was served 20 minutes earlier, but none of it was bad. Well, okay my chocolate pudding pie was a freakin disaster! I usually making the chocolate pudding part the night before, but I ran out of time last night so I made it after church.

I waited about 2 hours and then put the fresh whipped cream on and when I served it, it was like soup. Not even that bothered me. It was darn yummy soup and there was plenty other desserts that people could choose from.

At the moment, the only thing that’s bothering me is a headache that started a few hours ago. I just haven’t been right since those darn trigger point shots. I’m going with “never again.” I had really high hopes, and it’s possible that it doesn’t have anything to do with them, but it’s very coincidental that so soon after them I’ve been feeling like this. I’ve really only had a handful on headache-free days since I’ve had the shots, and my neck has been full of knots (which it was supposed to loosen).

The numbness in my hands and feet is also becoming more of an issue, but I’ve decided to continue to ignore that until my next rheumatology appointment, which is in June. If it gets significantly worse, that’s a different story, but as long as it stays the same, I’ll put that on my “worry about it later list.” Anybody else have one of those? I decided to start one in an effort to stop taking on the weight of the world.

I know I tend to take on problems all at once and worry about way more than should. This is my valiant effort to try and tackle what I can, when I can, and take some of my worries and put them on the list to worry about them a different day. I’ll keep you posted on how that works out. If I start rambling about crap I shouldn’t be worrying about…don’t forget to remind me about the list. Please!

I hope those of you that celebrate Easter had a wonderful holiday. It was sunny here, but still a little cold for me. My hands are still ice cubes. I’m under my electric blanket and 6:45 and our school morning routine is going to come WAY too early. My only saving grace is that it’s Monday and I can get back in bed and take a nap once the kids are on the bus. YAY ME!

 

 

 

Welcome Brutus!

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I did it! I went back to Home Goods, and I bought the flamingo! His name is Brutus and he was a bargain at $39.99. He is pictured above in the driver’s seat of my car. My neighbor and I had a little fun with him when we went to pick him up. We giggled the whole way to get him, the whole time he was in the cart, and the whole way home. It was quite the excursion, and I now have a 4-foot metal flamingo in my yard, under my cherry blossom tree. He’s magnificent. He makes me laugh and he was a bright spot in a day of cleaning and getting ready for Easter.

Today was a much better day in terms of pain. I was able to get a lot more done than I did yesterday, with far less pain. It certainly didn’t hurt that it was fairly warm and the sun was shining. The damp cold of yesterday was gone. I’m finding that when it’s that damp kind of cold, those are my worst days. I can’t get warm and my joints are at their worst.

I’m really unprepared for Easter, but it’s not bothering me too much. I usually have a bigger crowd, so tomorrow just seems like a regular dinner. I’m not going all out. I have more people coming for dessert than dinner, so I have more of a plan for that. At the moment I’m realizing it’s 11pm and I don’t think I have anything to wear. I thought about things to put on the table to make it pretty, but heaven forbid I think of anything to put on myself. I remembered to buy the kids nice outfits…yeah, at some point I’ll remember I need to dress myself!

I still have to put candy in the plastic eggs  and hide them, but my son was still pretending to be asleep about a half an hour ago so it wasn’t quite safe yet. My youngest daughter came into my room a few hours ago fearing that she might have seen Santa in the window. At that point I was pretty sure I failed somewhere along the line in my parenting, but it still gave me a chuckle.

I have been having a really tough time with insomnia the last few nights. Last night I was up until about 3AM. I haven’t taken much because I feel tired, but I’m just not sleeping. I have been working on an online auction for a nonprofit organization that I work for and it’s been fun. I have been seeking out  companies for donations for future auctions, and for some reason I choose 1AM as a great time to do this. It’s my quiet time and I can focus, but it’s not so good for my sleep patterns.

I’m going to try and be finished with everything by 12:30 tonight and actually shut the computer off. We’ll see how that goes. I really don’t want to take a half an Ambien tonight because I don’t want to be groggy in the morning. I think my mind is just going in a million directions. I really like my job and I am having fun with what I’m doing, so I want to do it. I have had a lot on my mind the past few weeks with my family. My father went from definitely going to have heart surgery, to now not needing it in the matter of two weeks.

Like everyone else in the world, I just have a lot on my mind. Is there ever a point where we don’t have a lot on our minds? I’d like to get to that point of boredom! I’ve been doing a little research on neuropathy and it’s making me a little nervous as well. I keep losing all feeling in my fingers and toes. The just go numb or I have pins and needles for a long period of time. If anyone else has this, I’d love some insight so I can keep myself away from WebMD. You’d be surprised the things I think I have 🙂

For those you celebrate Easter, I wish you a peaceful and happy holiday tomorrow, and to everyone a pain-free day!

 

Can’t Take the Pain Today

Photo by MyBestTreat

Photo by MyBestTreat

I thought about skipping the blog tonight, but then I thought, what else I am going to be doing while I sit in writhing in pain. My head hurts so bad and nothing is helping. I took a Dilaudid over an hour ago and it hasn’t even touched the pain. I feel like this migraine has been with me on and off for the better part of like 6 days now. I didn’t wake up so bad, but I spent a few hours working on a website for a tree company. Anyone need to know anything about ornamental tree pruning? I probably have the answer today!

My head started pounding by the afternoon. I had to bring my youngest daughter to the doctor for a check-up for her asthma, and we ended up waiting in a room for over 45 minutes. As each minute passed I thought I was going to keel over. By the time he came into the room, my head was in my hands and I was not well.

I don’t know what’s going on. The only thing I can think of is that my allergies are so bad right now, and sometimes that triggers migraines for me. The other thing that crossed my mind was that I had those trigger point injections last week. I suppose if I’m like tomorrow I need to call. I also need to cough up the money for my Maxalt, the only migraine medicine that works for me. Even the generic is $190 for four pills.

It’s hard to justify spending that much on four pills, but I can’t keep going like this. Sorry for the short blog tonight. I feel like hell. I’m going to try and put ice packs on my neck and eyes, and take an Ambien. It’s probably a lot of medicine with the Dilaudid, but the pain medicine did nothing. It didn’t even touch the pain that stretches from my left shoulder blade and wraps all the way around the left side on my face. If I make it through this with out throwing up, I’ll be shocked.

I promise…tomorrow’s blog will be more uplifting.

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