Motherhood: The Perpetual State of PMS


Well, ok motherhood doesn’t come with bloating, but the emotional highs and lows of being a mom closely resemble my hormonal change during the month. I won’t lie. I’ve always been that person that gets overcome with emotion and cries thinking about a moment. What someone put into something; what it must feel like; etc.

My children mock me because I cry at every one of their events from First Communions to dance recitals, to football banquets. It’s jut a known family fact that if my kids are doing something special, in all likelihood I will cry. I tell them it’s my God-given right as a mother.

Today my oldest daughter, who is 11, had a recital with her vocal coach. She is my shy kid. It’s not easy for her to get up in front of people and she panics. When she panics, I panic for her. I decided in the car the other day that I’m like an empath. I take on other people’s feelings. I’ll get back to that in a moment.

Last year was the first year she sang alone and she did fantastic. She completely broke down during intermission and didn’t think she could do it, which then had me on edge wondering if she was truly going to be able to do it and what we’d do if she ran off or it didn’t go well. I wasn’t going to let her back out because I knew she could do it, and I knew she had the talent. There is no way I’d force her to sing in front of an audience if she wasn’t really ready to do so.

This year she shocked me and chose a song that was really hard. It switched keys in the beginning and switched octaves later on. The good news was she was singing BEFORE intermission this time. She would get it over with and not have to panic for the entire recital.

I dropped her off to warm up and my younger daughter and I went to a few stores to kill some time. I ended up buying my daughter a bracelet that says, “She Believed She Could, So She Did.” It’s a struggle to get my daughter to believe in herself. I wanted to get her something to remind herself that she needs to remember she has the strength inside to do whatever she sets her mind to.

As I stood in the store choosing the bracelet in tears (again), my younger daughter who does not sugar coat said, “Mom, pull yourself together.” (She’s 9.) I was blessed with my youngest daughter for a reason. She challenges me a lot and will likely be the cause of all of my gray hair, but she make me laugh like no one else can, and she says exactly what she thinks which is mighty refreshing.

I popped a half a Xanax when we got to the concert, don’t judge. I did okay through her groups numbers, but the solo killed me and I cried the whole time. Oh I tried to cry quietly, but apparently I made everyone in the rows across from me cry because they were watching me cry. But, my daughter sang beautifully and I was so proud.

Later we went to dinner and once again my kids were asking why I cry so much at events and I think my son was wondering if I cry in particular at his events. I’ll admit I don’t cry during football at this point. I cried the first time his name was announced. I cry at the banquets when the coach is speaking about him, but he doesn’t always catch those moments. My son has been struggling to find his place in the world of sports. He desperately wants to be a great baseball and football player and maybe he will be, but right now he’s just okay. But when it comes to golf, the kid is amazing.

I turned the subject to golf and said, “Well someday when you’re playing at the Master’s, I’ll be at the side of the putting green sobbing while you’re trying to make a very important putt.” I also asked if he’d wear pants with flamingos on them if he was going to be a professional golfer but I was completely shot down on that.

My kids are all kind of finding their own way and it’s a good thing, but they are getting big and it’s just a new phase for us. My son does baseball, football and golf. My oldest daughter was just offered a spot on a dance team, and my youngest has moved away from dance and found a great love of gymnastics. Honestly, I could care less what they pursue as long as they are active and happy.

Back to the empath issue. When I was driving the other day I was thinking about a friend that was going through a difficult situation. Immediately I can put myself into her shoes (as much as possible) and feel that devastation to the point of almost a depression. It can also go the other way. When a friend has a wonderful success, my feeling of happiness and joy for them is very intense, like I can feel the joy they have inside. I decided I’m an empath and that’s not a good thing.

It causes me to have some highs and lows that really have nothing to do with me. Do I sound crazy enough yet? Eh…it’s a blog. If I’m crazy, I’m crazy. At least I’m honest about it.

In other news, I’m down 20lbs. I still look terrible and heavy, but I’m down two pant sizes. I need to be down two more before I’ll really celebrate, but it’s a start. I was gaining 2-3 pounds per week with the medicines I was on for chronic pain, rheumatoid arthritis, anxiety and birth control.

I am off meds for chronic pain, and yes…I’m in pain. No Alleve doesn’t fix it, but moving often helps. I hate when people tell me that, but for me it has helped. My neck has been pretty bad lately and that’s been tough, but other than that I’ve really been okay. As I mentioned in a previous blog the anxiety has been rough.

My new combo of meds is allowing me to lose some weight, though. So for that I’m thrilled. I have a lot of work to do, but I’ll just keep walking/moving/jogging and cutting down on late night eating, which is darn hard when you’re an insomniac. I get hungry at 2AM!

So I’m going to try and sleep before I get up and eat something.




Dusting off the Blog


I haven’t written a blog post in over a year. I think I lost my mojo for getting it done and it was hard finding things to talk about to keep it interesting. I thought about it and why does it have to be interesting? I’m not all that impressive! I’m just me. So this is just my blog.

So what’s happened over the past year…too much to recap. My kids seem to have aged so much. It’s going by too fast. It sounds so cliche. Everyone tells you to slow down and enjoy it, but when you are a freakin taxi driver taking kids to ballet, gymnastics, wrestling, baseball, etc., it’s hard to slow down.

My house is never perfect. I’m hardly ever organized, but I’m somehow holding it all together. Last year around this time I decided I was having a mid-life crisis. I was turning 43 last March and that was the age I had been dreading since I was a kid. My mom passed away from ovarian cancer than I was 14 and she was 43. I had always thought I, too, would die at 43.

Between my fear of dying and leaving my kids motherless, and realizing just how young my mother really was when she battled cancer and died, I was having a really tough time. I didn’t want anything to do with my birthday so instead I put all my energy into getting a puppy. For anyone who has read my previously, you know I already have a zoo with a dog, three cats, and a parrot, but since I was a little girl I’ve always wanted a German Shepherd.

For weeks, my life was searching rescue sites for the perfect puppy. It took over my life, which I think was what I needed at the time. We brought Dunkin home on March 26th of last year and my birthday is March 30th. It made my birthday less about me and more about enjoying the puppy.

My rheumatoid arthritis is still a pain in the ass among other places. Last winter was much more difficult than this winter. We’ve honestly had a fairly warm winter. And it doesn’t hurt that we were in Florida last week when it was -10 here and we missed that completely.

I felt like I wanted to write a blog tonight because people annoy me with they dumb comments! I don’t know why people say the dumbest things. I’d like to answer with sarcasm: Yes, I have RA because I don’t take care of myself. Yep, it feels JUST like the arthritis you have in your knee from playing tennis. No, I haven’t thought about trying Alleve! I’ll have to give that a try. Your mother’s cousin’s friend tried an herbal supplement that cured her of RA, oh yes please get me that info right away!

I’m back on Plaquenil and I am better on it than off. I tried Cymbalta for chronic pain and that did not go well at all. I was hell! All I did was scream at my kids. I also had even worse mood swings coming off of it. Needless to say, it was not the drug for me. It my help a lot of people with pain management, but the mood side effects for me were horrendous. I was angry…like really angry all the time.

Two weeks ago I tried the trigger point injections again because my rheumatologist talked me into it. Last time around it cause a multi-day migraine. I think it hit something, but what do I know. This time around I had no reaction and until today I haven’t had a headache. Today’s migraine was pretty intense, but between the Excedrin (my prescription meds are out) and the muscle relaxer I was able to get rid of it enough to function.

I was offered my old job back, kind of. I was laid off in 2010 in a really hurtful turn of events that just didn’t need to be handled in that manner. Fast forward 5 years and the company has gone under and new owners have resurrected it and they reached out to see if I’d be interested in producing the annual directories that I used to do. I’m not sure what the hell I was thinking when I accepted their timeline, but somehow I got it done (with help from some wonderful friends who wanted the work and did a great job).

They want to meet with me again this coming Friday to discuss doing them again for this year with a longer timeline, so that’s a good thing. As a freelancer, steady income is a plus. I work as an advocate but I work for a nonprofit. I’m never getting rich that way…heck I’m lucky if I can buy groceries for the month with that, but I love it and I love the families I get to work with…95% of them. I can’t vent about the other 5% but trust me when I say there are some stories there!!

Anyway, I intend to start venting more often because it’s healthy for me. There are far too many irritating people in the world and I just can’t keep it all in!


So Sick Today


As I mentioned in my last blog, I was starting Metformin this week. I thought I was doing okay with it. I certainly didn’t have the “bathroom issues” that were commonly mentioned. I just felt a bit nauseous, but nothing I couldn’t handle. Until Friday. I had dinner, and my foot was again in hideous pain so I broke down and took a pain pill. Well the combination of the two sent me over the edge and I began throwing up violently around 1:00AM.

It was awful and I ended up not being able to sleep until close to 4:00AM. I was hesitant to eat anything this morning, but I ate a rice cake with peanut butter. I figured that was bland enough and I held it down okay. We went to my daughter’s singing lesson and then to Nutcracker practice and somewhere during the ride I lost vision in my left eye and I was in a full-blown migraine feeling like I was going to throw up.

I decided to go through the drive through and get a soda to try and calm my stomach. It was so bad that I asked the lady for a plastic bag just in case I couldn’t make it home. I ended up getting home safely and put ice on the back of my neck for an hour before having to go back.

Again, I had an hour or so of feeling okay, and then it was back and I was trying to get back home before tossing my cookies. I feel like I have very low blood sugar; that disoriented, cold sweat, nausea, etc. I slept for two hours and felt a lot better but needless to say, I’m not taking that medicine tonight. I’m going to take another day off tomorrow and try and start it at half the dose on Monday.

When I asked on the PCOS board, many people said they felt like that for a month or two. A MONTH OR TWO? There’s no way in hell I could be like this for a month or two. My son has his football conference championship tomorrow, and I need to be there. I can’t be puking at home.

I was forced to eat a slice of pizza by my family and surprisingly, I think that helped with the queasiness from the low blood sugar. I’m just hitting a wall. I want to lose weight and feel better, but I don’t know if this is the way to do it. I don’t want to be nauseous and puking all the time. Metformin may very well help with my PCOS, but given the fact that I have decided to go back on the plauqenil this week, after I see my rheumatologist, I don’t want to be on both. I’ll tell him everything and see what he says.

My foot has been in that terrible pain either once a twice a day since Halloween. Someone online scared me by saying they felt that kind of pain when their hand deformity started. It felt like the hand was clamped in a position, and that’s exactly what my toes feel like.

Last night really scared me. I’m not ashamed to say I was on the couch crying for my mom. Sometimes you just need your mom when you’re that sick. My mom can’t be here because she passed away at 43, so then I became irrational and started thinking I was beginning to get deformed feet, I was so sick and there was no end in sight, and I need someone to make sure my children are raised the way I want them to be if something happens to me.

Everything was hitting me at once, and add the puking to the mix and I honestly felt scared that something bad was happening. I spent today trying to imagine what my month would be like if I continue with the current meds. I don’t know what to do. I suppose I should call the endocrinologist and ask questions. At the moment, my focus is on being at my son’s football game tomorrow morning. That’s the only focus for now. My sister-in-law is taking the girls to dance for me.

I know my mother-in-law has big plans to go shopping for a new kitchen table for us, which is just so nice, but I don’t want to see her spend the money that she wants to spend. I have two ways to look at it. Her son doesn’t make a lot of money in their family business and we are living paycheck to paycheck. I keep hearing how it’s going to get better…for years. I know we can’t afford to replace the table now and I also know how much she has bought for her daughters. I shouldn’t feel guilty that she wants to do something nice. Her heart is in the right place, and at least this time she’s letting me choose the set (a nice step from when she showed up with all white furniture for a home with three kids, three cats, and a big black dog).

We just found one for half the price at Raymour & Flanigan that I liked just as much. She’s concerned that the one she found at Basset was heavier and will last forever. I’m not even sure I’m going to be up for this tomorrow. Like I said, first things first, I need to make it to my son’s big game.

I’m saying my prayers now that he has a great game. His confidence is increasing now that he’s further understanding the game, but I’d love to hear the announcer call his name for a tackle. His last tackle, they just announced the kid who got tackled and I know he was so disappointed (usually they say both names). If I had one wish, other than a team win, it would be for him to have some sort of special moment. Even a small one would mean the world to him.

I’m off to try and sleep. Wish me luck!

Arthritis Hands Suck and Other Musings


Everyone is posting on Facebook with their pumpkin recipes, jack-o-lanterns, and fall-themed things. To me, fall means the start of cold weather and the start of increased pain. Today was the first day in a while that I spent in bed most of the day. I couldn’t get warm, even with my heated blanket. My hands were cold, stiff, and painful. And to top it off, my youngest daughter faked being sick (age 8) because she missed coming to the gym with me.

You know those times where you are in a lot of pain and just want to sleep and something is talking incessantly? Yep, that was my day. I got to watch youtube videos on how I need to do her makeup tomorrow for her Elsa costume. She talked and talked…and talked. Even though she was incredibly annoying today (and I say that with love), I love the age she’s as and her out-of-the-box thinking. I love her exuberance about everything. Even on days like this, I know I’m very blessed to have my kids. They are everything.

I just spent the last 20 minutes on Amazon shopping for heated gloves. Those suckers are expensive. I’m going to try and buy a set of those heat packs for gloves and see if that helps. I have to go to my son’s football game on Sunday and it’s going to be cold. I don’t want to miss it because it’s the first game that he’s a starting player. I know I have written a lot about my son, and that he’s just not the star athlete that he wants to be, but for him, this is a huge moment. The coaches noticed how hard he’s been working and playing and they shifted him to a starting player because of it.

Don’t ask what position he’s playing because I probably don’t know, but I have heard nose guard and some other kind of guard. Someday I’ll be a football mom and understand the game, but for now I’m just super proud of my son. I feel guilty without much to say about my middle daughter today. She is thrilled that I’m going to be the room mom at Nutcracker this weekend and that I can finally see her practice the Ginger Clown piece.

I feel like everything else I have to say tonight is more of a grumble on not feeling well. I’m trying to keep my head up for my appointment on Tuesday, but I have to be prepared for the “non-answer” and no solution. I just want a reason for getting this heavy. I’m not eating enough to be this fat. I never thought I’d be one of those people looking for the quick fix to lose weight, but at the moment, that’s me. It just sucks. I hope the endocrinologist will at least let me try metformin based on my symptoms. but I have no idea.

Tomorrow is a busy day and I can’t sleep (even with a half an ambien). I have to work with my tutoring client and then my daughter’s class has a large pumpkin carving event at school. The whole fourth grade participates and she’s so excited about it. Then we’re coming home and getting ready to go to a party at the neighbors for Halloween. It’s very casual, and then we’ll go trick-or-treating. I know it will be fun, but walking around in the cold doesn’t sound appealing at the moment. I’ll get in the spirit at some point during the day tomorrow.

I just wish I could get some sleep now so I can stay awake and have some energy for it. I’m off to try. Sleep well friends!

My Friend Bashing Post


I’m irritated this evening, and I know I shouldn’t let stupid things bother me, but eh…sometimes they do. Tonight was our big Nutcracker meeting. They entire cast gets together for a two hours meeting with the director, choreographers, seamstresses, stagehands, etc. The kids get to see who got what role, like who is play Clara and the Sugar Plum Fairy, etc. My girls are fairly young, so I can’t say we really know any of the older girls in the large roles, but some of them look familiar from previous years.

Remember my idiot friend who hated my blog? Well, his daughter does the Nutcracker, too. Remind me to kick myself for mentioning it a few years ago. Anyway, he walks in, looks at me and walks the other way. Are we 12? I carried on my conversation, because I have gotten to know a lot of the moms over the past few years and I’ve met a lot of really nice people. A few minutes later his daughter came up to my girls and I to talk. Of course, I was nothing but nice to her. She drives me nuts, but she’s a child and it’s not her fault both her parents are idiots and don’t happen to be teaching her proper behavior or manners.

She told me she was going to ask for a second role and as any motherly figure would, I encouraged her to do so. I took these kids under my wing several years ago, and I do still care about them, though it’s very different now that they are older and their behavior is really bad (especially the girl). She then went on to say she was confused as to why my two girls got two roles and she didn’t. I just politely shrugged that off.

During the meeting, my former friend sat on the complete opposite side of the auditorium by himself. Even when his daughter came over to sit with me again, he didn’t even turn to glance my way. If that’s how he wants to play it, so be it, but what a complete ass. I fully intended on saying a polite hello this evening, and not having things be ugly. I had no intentions of sitting with him or starting up a conversation, but I’m not in high school, I wasn’t going to ignore him. Jackass! So for a little perspective, I sent my friend an IM…she agreed that he was a jackass and mentioned that he posted something about finding “the one” on Facebook, so it made further sense because I’m really only needed when he needs a friend. If he’s got a girlfriend, he doesn’t need advice on the kids, or help from me. And good luck to her! As sarcastic as that sounds, I truly only wish him well, but a person who says things as cruel as he does to other people (not talking about me here, just talking about his every day FB life) isn’t really a happy person on the inside. Finding a wonderful person can make you feel awesome for a long time, but sooner or later, the fact that you’re a miserable person on the inside comes out…unless she’s a psychotherapist or something 🙂

Other than that the meeting was fine and my older daughter had her first practice today. She had a blast. My younger one starts tomorrow morning and then they have a practice together in the afternoon and somewhere in the middle I have to be at a football game for my son. This is the time of year where having an autoimmune disease and being a mom is really tough. I want to do everything and be everywhere for my kids. I love everything about my kids’ activities and I love being there to support them in whatever they do. I won’t lie, though, when I looked at the Nutcracker schedule for October with both girls having two roles and one of the dance buildings not being open yet for the year…I’m nervous. There are days when I have practices in two different towns a few hours apart, and I know I have my son’s stuff to do in between there, too. Or even worse, i I have to drag him along to Nutcracker, he is not a happy camper!

I am looking forward to going to the endocrinologist this week and hopefully digging a bit deeper into what’s going on with me. If I can tackle the hair loss, the exhaustion, and the weight gain, that would be a huge start. Heck, I’d even just start with let’s take on the exhaustion! I know I’m running on adrenaline today. I’m excited for my kids and that does factor in. I’m going to crash on Mondays, which I suppose is the best day of the week that could happen on, as I don’t have to leave the house on Mondays.

I have also been fighting a tension headache/migraine for the past few days. Between the ice and the muscle relaxers, I’m keeping it at bay, but I’m definitely not at 100%. Today it was pouring rain and cold, which meant hip, foot, and hand pain. I really notice it in my legs after I’ve been sitting for a while. I just can’t get up and start walking like a normal person. Standing up and beginning to walk is more of a process now. Getting out of the car is difficult. There is the moving one leg at a time and the the actual getting up.

I like my car better because it’s an SUV and I short, so I’m getting down out of the car. When I have to take the other family car it’s not exactly my style. It’s a Mercedes coup and it’s small and low. I suppose I should like it. First and foremost, it was free. Free is good. It was my father-in-laws car before he passed away and when my husband took over his business (I won’t even get started on that ordeal because it is book-worthy) he needed a better car to get him to all the buildings that the family owns. It sounds like we’re doing super doesn’t it? On paper we are…just not in our check book. We have tenants that haven’t paid rent in months but the commercial space is so large we can’t get anyone else to take it. It’s more drama than I need to share at this point. I’ll save that for a day when I’m upset with my in-laws 🙂

My point was, when I drive the Mercedes, I have a tough time getting out of the car. And you’re thinking, cry me a river, bitch! I know. I have a car, I’m lucky enough to have a roof over my head and three beautiful kids. Despite having special needs, they could be more perfect to me and nothing makes me more proud than being their mom. So yes, I have my issues. Some sound silly when I write them out in a blog post, but still I’m a person in pain and that sucks. It sucks not knowing how I’m going to feel tomorrow or the next day.

I have to wake up early for church tomorrow to bring my kids to CCD. I’m not even tired, But I’m hoping Beverly Hills, 90210 will put me to sleep. Good night all!




Insomnia Again


I should be sleeping. If you’re reading this shortly after it’s posted, you should be sleeping, too! Not being able to sleep just plain sucks. I took 10mg of melatonin a few hours ago along with a xanax. Usually that combination is enough to make me tired by 11-11:30PM, but tonight it’s not doing the trick–not even close. I can’t even say there is something bothering me that’s keeping me awake. Today was relatively uneventful.

I went into the pediatrician’s office and it was my slowest day there in weeks. I was actually able to catch up on a few other things. My pain level is low and I’m not feeling bad at all. So why the hell am I wide awake? I have no idea. I’m one of those people that has a very tough time shutting down for the night. Sure, I hear you saying, turn the computer off. Turn the television off and it will be easier to sleep, but it’s not like I haven’t tried that. I find that to be even more frustrating because then it’s just me alone with my thoughts, and sometimes that’s not a great thing. I tend to overthink things when I have spare time.

I can almost laugh at the idea of spare time. What mom of three with autoimmune diseases like rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, and Raynaud’s has spare time? My spare time is usually spent napping during the day whenever I can catch a few minutes of alone time. My house is a complete disaster, yet my nap comes first and I’ve learned to be okay with that. There are days I wish I was a neat freak, but I also know it would put a lot more stress on my body if I didn’t stop and rest when I need to.

Lately I’ve been really trying to listen to my own body and let that dictate what I can and can’t do. I didn’t get to my cardio workout today, mostly because it was rainy and cold and I couldn’t walk outside. Tomorrow there will be no excuses. My calves and shins with be much better by tomorrow so after my class, I’m walking or getting on the stupid elliptical. At least I can say I haven’t been eating too many snacks. I’ve been stick to regular meals and not having snacks unless I am really hungry.

I did get some rather bad news today about my uncle. He’s my mom’s step-brother and that family tree has a lot of crooked and broken branches since my mother’s death. In the years since my mom passed away, this uncle cut ties with the rest of the family except me. My mom was the family peace maker and I somehow took over that role, mostly because I’m kind to all of them. I don’t talk about any of them badly, and I really do try and understand each of their side.

My cousin posted on Facebook today that his father was entering a hospice facility. We haven’t spoken since my grandmother passed away a few years ago and there was a big fiasco with the will. This particular uncle wanted to hire a lawyer and sue another uncle. Long story short, my brother and I were told by my grandmother that her will was split two ways between her two children with half going to my mom’s biological brother and half to be split between my brother and I since my mother was no longer living. When the will was read, everything went to my mom’s brother. We knew my grandmother had opted to cut the two step-brothers out of the will, and I advised against it because of the drama it would cause afterward, little did I know, I’d be involved in the drama and my uncle would walk away with everything and send us a letter postmarked from France with a check for $5,000 that was portioned to us from the will. Suffice it to say, if the will was what my grandmother had told us, it would have been closer to $150,000.

I had a choice. Do I cut off everyone over my anger when I really have no other connection to my mom? I was hurt and pissed off, but I made the decision to not discuss it again with them and move forward. We know my uncle convinced her to change the will, but there is nothing we can do to change it. It’s my mom’s brother and I needed to let go of my anger. That didn’t happen over night, but it did happen (not that I don’t have my moments).

Anyway, I haven’t seen my mom’s step-brother since my grandmother’s funeral. They live in another state and hate my mom’s biological brother. Are you following this? Is every family this crazy? To be honest, individually, I think they are all good people. They just have a grudge against each other stemming from childhood. Their arguments go back to silly things like a typewriter my grandmother gave to one grandkid at Christmas. Ridiculous things! I guess I’m just wondering at the end of my uncle’s life if he’s thinking of some of those moments and realizing how truly unimportant they were in the whole scheme of things. He hasn’t really spoken to his own biological brother in years (and yes, I talk to him, too).

I don’t know. If nothing else today I realized that though I have made many mistakes in my life, I think I’ve always put my kids first. I’ve always let my family know that I love them, and no matter how pissed I am, I try to find a way to work it out. Now that’s easy to say because my immediate family rarely does anything to piss me off. My biggest issue is not being invited to my niece’s Christening (I’m still not over that). I love my brother’s wife to pieces. She’s truly a wonderful person, but her family always comes first and they area  huge family. In an effort to cut down on the party size, she had the godparents and grandparents only. Um…I only have one brother and he’s all I have. That was the one and only time I ever have told them I’ve been upset…and I was hurt. I got the invite after I expressed my feelings and opted to go to the church and not the party as a matter of principle.

It’s now 12:45 and I’m no closer to sleep, just stalling trying to sleep by jabbering on about my family dynamic. Families are just so odd. My life would have been a lot different if my mom was alive because she was the glue of the family. She did all the holidays. She was the only person who talked to everyone in the family. That fell to my shoulders at 14. We stopped doing big holidays and no one invited my brother and I to their family get togethers. We celebrated stuff with my dad and step-mother after that and it wasn’t the warm, Italian event we were used to. Not bad, just different.

Anyway, it’s time for me to pretend like I’m tired. Too late for an Ambien. This means I’m definitely going to need a nap tomorrow.

Waiting for Results


This is my week of doctor’s appointments. On Monday I saw a doctor at my primary care physician’s office (she was away, so I saw a doctor I had never met). He was thorough, I suppose, but he mainly zeroed in on my fever and the fact that I had been losing my voice for well over a month and a half. He also didn’t like that I was still coughing, but I have an asthma/allergy thing so the cough really isn’t concerning to me. It’s more of an annoyance.

He wanted to run a CBC and sent me to an Ear, Nose & Throat Specialist to have them scope my throat to take a closer look and see what was going on. He did say that my thyroid felt normal, so I guess that’s plus. I’m still banking on there being something wrong with my thyroid, though. Maybe it’s wishful thinking but I’m hoping I find something that helps my hair grow back, helps me lose weight and feel less tired. I realize that’s asking a lot. Even to get through the day without falling asleep would be awesome.

I saw my rheumatologist yesterday and he wanted to re-run all of my previous bloodwork. I did ask about some of the thyroid tests that I’ve read about, and he said that’s not how he does the tests. I joined a Facebook page for Hashimoto’s and it was recommended that I have a TSH, T3, T4 and Free T3 and Free T4. He said he doesn’t test Free T3 and Free T4, but rather he tests for the antibodies. I asked the difference, but I’ll be the first to admit I didn’t understand his answer. At first he wanted me to wait until the fall to even do the bloodwork, but then I started in with my family history and how tired I’ve been feeling, and he realized that my last tests were in March, so he did everything again.

They drew 12 vials of blood this morning, and I found myself praying they’d just find something going on. I don’t want cancer or anything serious. Heck, no one does! But I’m tired of having no answers. My rheumatologist has always been on the fence about me having rheumatoid arthritis, unlike my last rheumatologist, who felt there was no doubt.

That is one of the most difficult things about autoimmune diseases. They aren’t cut and dry. I have a high ANA level, which signifies and autoimmune issue. I agree with rheumy #2 that there is little doubt that I fit the profile for fibromyalgia, but I also see that I fit the profile for RA as well. Rheumy #2 was hesitant to agree with that at first, only because I don’t appear to look like someone with RA. I have hyper-mobility and that in itself can cause joint pain and stretched ligaments, etc. But, the main thing that rheumy #1 said that sticks with me is that RA affects your hands and fibro does not. My hands are one of the most painful areas for me during a flare.

Where fibro can be more widespread and involve muscle, RA makes my hands swell and hurt. They might not look like the RA pictures online, but they do turn red (and bright white from Raynaud’s) and they do swell.

So tomorrow is my throat scope at the ENT’s office. I’m a little nervous for that, but it can’t be that bad. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself. I am guessing I’d have most answers then and there, and if they feel the need to biopsy anything, then they’d have to schedule it. My blood tests will be in on Friday. So in the meantime, I have to sit and wait. I wish the tests were in on Thursday, that way I could call Friday morning and know they were all back and that I could discuss them with a nurse.

The only good news is that my insomnia isn’t affecting me at all. I’m practically falling asleep writing this blog. I just wanted to give a quick update before I went to bed. I will let you know as soon as I hear some news.


It’s a Two Xanax Kind of Night


I’m having a panic attack. It could be a multitude of things that set it off, but it’s been bad for the last hour so I just took Xanax number two (totaling 1mg) and hopefully I’ll relax sometime soon. For the most part today was uneventful. I was able to thoroughly clean my kitchen, even getting down on my hands and knees to clean the floor (it was pretty gross down there).

My son had a baseball game tonight, and if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know how I dread those. I try and support anything and everything my kids do, but lately baseball has been nothing but a downer and causing stress for my son (and for me). He hasn’t had one hit in this travel league. I will add in there that for the most part he gets walked. The pitchers have trouble adjusting pitches to his size in our batting order.  We have our tallest player hitting right before him, and my son is the smallest kid on the team. I’m not saying he hasn’t struck out, too–oh he has–but, more often than not, he gets on base with a walk.

As a mom, I’m happy he’s not out. As a kid, the poor guy just wants to hit the damn ball. He had some really great hits during our Park & Rec season and his confidence was up, but he hasn’t had a hit in this travel season and he’s beating himself up. So I see him walking up to bat. There are two outs, and of course, as any good mother does, I cringe and begin praying.

The pitch is right to him and I’m see him swing. Much to my surprise (and everyone else’s) he hits the ball and starts running. Now I’m praying that he makes it to first base. In the meantime two other kids score runs as my son runs in what seems like slow motion toward first base. He gets there just as the first baseman gets the ball, but luckily the kid dropped it. As I’m thanking God for the kid’s error, I see my son’s coach start yelling at him for not running straight through the base. He hesitated when he saw the kid had the ball. The kid hasn’t had one hit all season. You can’t let him have one freakin moment?

I sat there pissed off, but they played long enough in that inning for my son to score, so I was happy and he looked happy. They were winning 13-3 when he was up again, and as luck would have it, lightning struck and they had to end the game. When we got home (we had taken separate cars) I congratulated him on the hit and he said, “It wasn’t…” oh crap I don’t remember what kind of hit he said it wasn’t. I’m not a baseball person. In other words, it wasn’t a good enough hit. It wasn’t a hard enough hit. He waited for this moment, and it wasn’t good enough. I hate his coach tonight.

Then I felt stressed because my cousin sent me a Facebook message asking why I didn’t bring the kids over to see her puppy as we had talked about prior to our fight when she said I betrayed her at cut me out of her life. I thought about my response for a good 40 minutes and I think that’s what caused the panic. I hate drama. I wrote back that she should re-read her instant messages from the other night that decide whether or not she’d feel welcome. Then I mentioned that I did not have time to discuss it further. She wrote back that she was sorry.

DRAMA!!! Anyway, we’ve been having these storms every single night and I really believe they are messing with my RA and fibro. Tonight I am fighting a migraine, and I am still dealing with the intense pain in my hip and low back. I also have a lot of tightness through my neck. I took some Alleve, but it didn’t seem to do much of anything. When I’m finished with tonight’s blog, I’m going to get my ice packs and turn off all the lights to hopefully get some sleep.

I’m not sure why but my insomnia has been really bad this week. I haven’t fallen asleep before 2:00AM in the past 4 nights. Last night I was up playing online Yahtzee (Dice with Friends) with random people at 3:00AM. You know you’re really bored when you’re trying to get people to play Yahtzee with you in the middle of the night.

And my random outburst of the night: What is up with so many people leaving their babies in cars? Yesterday another child died in a hot car and this time it was only two towns over from me. The father worked all day and didn’t realize he forgot to drop his son off at daycare. Now, let me first say that people who live in glass houses should never throw stones. When that first case came out a few weeks ago, I was so upset and I tried to put myself in that father’s shoes. Maybe he didn’t usually drop the child at daycare? Maybe the child was sound asleep and not making noise? Maybe the father was so stressed with things he was frazzled and now would spend the rest of his life paying for this horrific mistake?

Then the reports came out that the dad was researching how long it would take for a dog to die in a hot car, and how long it would take for a child to die in a hot car. Then there were reports that he was sexting while the poor baby was in the hot car. The very man that I was doing my best to try and show a shred of compassion for, even in all his stupidity, was a horrid man. So now I’m jaded. I’m asking how this father in Ridgefield, CT worked a full work day and didn’t once think of his son. Not once did his mind wander to what his son might be doing at daycare that day.

How? How does a parent not think of their child all day? How does that happen? Why does someone need to leave a shoe in the back seat of their car to remind them that their child is there? I talked to my kids in the car. I’m a stressed, frazzled, forgetful mom. I forget appointments, paperwork, dinner. I never forget my kids. All I’m saying is I don’t understand. I now find myself looking in every car in every parking lot. Why is this happening so often? I don’t get it.

And Back to Insomnia


I have been taking Melatonin fairly early in the evening and it’s been working pretty well for me. I’ve been falling asleep around 11pm or so most nights. I forgot to take it tonight because I was bust being a mom and trying to help my son cope with a “friend” being mean to him about his baseball ability.

Okay, it’s wrong of me to say, but I’d like to punch the kid at the moment. My son is not the star athlete. He’s not going to be the next Derek Jeter, but he loves to play and he tries very hard. He also improves a great deal from year to year. This year his hitting is light years above where it was last year. I used to cringe and pray every time he’d get up to bat. This year I no longer cringe, but I still pray. He’s hit some darn good balls!

From what his father tells him, baseball is 75% mental. He needs to go out there with more confidence, and he just doesn’t have it. Not only in sports, but in life. He lacks confidence in most things. It’s a constant struggle and one he sees a therapist for. Anyway, my son really wants to fit in with these cool athletic kids. My husband is good friend with one of the dads, and my son just automatically assumed that would make him best friends with the sons. It doesn’t work that way.

And guess what, I’m not so disappointed they don’t want to be his best friend. They are great friend material! Friends don’t tell other kids you suck at baseball. Friends don’t say mean things about you to other kids. Friends don’t make fun of you. My son’s instinct was to want to get this kid in trouble, and we tried to talk to him out of that. He’s in fifth grade and the tattling stage needs to end. The best revenge is for his to go out there on Thursday, nail a great hit, look the kid square in the eye, and say, you still think I suck? And I suggested he say it right in front of the boy’s dad who is the assistant coach! I also suggested his father (the coach) talk to the team as a whole about talking about other team members, without specifically calling anyone out.

Obviously this kid knows what he did, and he’ll get the point without causing any repercussions for my son. My son doesn’t understand the repercussions part of it all. Anyway, this took up a large chunk of my evening, and then cause me a lot of stress after the kids went to bed because I blame myself for everything. I’m not sure what I could have done differently to make him a better athlete, but whatever…I’m sure I did it.

Regarding my autoimmune life, today sucked! Not quite needing the cane suck…but for the first time ever my elbows are getting so stiff that it hurts to straighten my arms. My hips are still in quite a bit of pain, so I’m slower than usual, but I’m moving. It’s frustrating, but we just had some really crazy storms move through CT, so I’m not sure if that played into it all. The arm thing was bothering me today because that’s a brand new symptom. My arms have never bothered me. It usually my hands, feet, and hips. I don’t want to add another body part into the mix!

Tomorrow I’m looking forward to a morning of being able to put the kids on the bus and going back to sleep for a nap. It sounds so silly, but it’s been a while since I’ve been able to do that, and the end of our school year is coming. I need to get my naps in now! Hopefully this insomnia won’t keep me up all night and I won’t sleep the day away tomorrow. If I’m feeling up to it, I’d like to get out even for a quick walk. Something is better than nothing, especially since all my cheating over the weekend only brought me a one pond weight loss. Very disappointed! I need to step up my game! Adding exercise back into the mix is the only way to do it. I just need to make sure I don’t overdo it.

Until tomorrow…


Happy Easter!


Oh Easter…the candy, the eggs that are still in my refrigerator waiting to be colored because we never had time to do it, the sugar high during church, the guests that were supposed to arrive for dinner at 2pm that showed up at 3:40. I could go on…and knowing me, I probably will. It wasn’t a bad Easter, though. For the first holiday ever, my kids got up at 6:15AM. Usually it’s me, waiting for them to wake up and open things. This year, I wanted to sleep.

Remember that plan last night about not taking the half of an Ambien? I totally didn’t stick to the plan because I decided that it was best that I fall asleep early and get some real sleep because I haven’t been sleeping at all lately and I wasn’t tired. It was blissful as I realized that I was falling asleep. I shut the computer off before I sent any emails or made any purchases that I don’t remember (at least I think I did). I felt myself drifting off to sleep, which is a feeling that I love.

Having insomnia really sucks. You desperately try and have that feeling of falling asleep. You look for it. You try too hard to feel it, and it doesn’t come. You just can’t make sleep happen. Actually, I know a few people who can…I don’t like them. Mostly because I’m jealous! I so enjoy those moments when I know I’m drifting off. It’s true peace. There’s no pain, there’s really no feeling at all. It’s just kind of a nothing. Maybe that’s why I like it so much.

Anyway, I enjoyed my nothing, and I paid for it in the morning when my kids woke up and wanted to hunt for eggs at 6:15. I don’t think I even remember the egg hunt. I watched them open their presents…no I didn’t do baskets. That crap isn’t for me. I just do two little things each kid and a candy. My middle daughter made the biggest deal in Target about this carry-on suitcase that she had to have. The kid was thrilled when she unwrapped it and even more thrilled when there was stuffed dog inside. She’s so practical…totally doesn’t get that from me.

The little one has a list a mile long of toys she wants (that one takes after me). She got this princess pet cat thing and a Lalaloopsy thing, and my son got a Lego thing and a box of baseball cards. All kids were happy, and mom went back to bed for an hour (happy mom).

The rest of our day was pretty casual. I had dinner here, but it was a small, late crowd. This type of thing normally would have sent me over the edge. I don’t like tardiness, especially when I’m cooking. I guess because I didn’t put a lot into the meal this year, I just let it all roll of my back and didn’t let it bother me as it usually would have. My potatoes were a little over done. My salmon would have been better if it was served 20 minutes earlier, but none of it was bad. Well, okay my chocolate pudding pie was a freakin disaster! I usually making the chocolate pudding part the night before, but I ran out of time last night so I made it after church.

I waited about 2 hours and then put the fresh whipped cream on and when I served it, it was like soup. Not even that bothered me. It was darn yummy soup and there was plenty other desserts that people could choose from.

At the moment, the only thing that’s bothering me is a headache that started a few hours ago. I just haven’t been right since those darn trigger point shots. I’m going with “never again.” I had really high hopes, and it’s possible that it doesn’t have anything to do with them, but it’s very coincidental that so soon after them I’ve been feeling like this. I’ve really only had a handful on headache-free days since I’ve had the shots, and my neck has been full of knots (which it was supposed to loosen).

The numbness in my hands and feet is also becoming more of an issue, but I’ve decided to continue to ignore that until my next rheumatology appointment, which is in June. If it gets significantly worse, that’s a different story, but as long as it stays the same, I’ll put that on my “worry about it later list.” Anybody else have one of those? I decided to start one in an effort to stop taking on the weight of the world.

I know I tend to take on problems all at once and worry about way more than should. This is my valiant effort to try and tackle what I can, when I can, and take some of my worries and put them on the list to worry about them a different day. I’ll keep you posted on how that works out. If I start rambling about crap I shouldn’t be worrying about…don’t forget to remind me about the list. Please!

I hope those of you that celebrate Easter had a wonderful holiday. It was sunny here, but still a little cold for me. My hands are still ice cubes. I’m under my electric blanket and 6:45 and our school morning routine is going to come WAY too early. My only saving grace is that it’s Monday and I can get back in bed and take a nap once the kids are on the bus. YAY ME!




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