Back from My Hiatus

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It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog. Actually, that’s not even true. It’s been a while since I’ve published a blog. I actually began writing posts on three different nights and just felt really overwhelmed with everything that was going on. Last weekend sucked. Friday my former friend whom I’ve written about in the past, really pissed me off and it was just a night full of his drama.

I wrote explaining what happened, but every time I started writing about it, I just felt like it was a soap opera and I wanted it all to be gone. Long story short, he’s been doing a lot of drinking after losing the last love of his life, and tried to suck me into his drama first by saying he wanted to kill himself, and then next by repeating something I said and posting it on Facebook, which set in motion a whole slew of issues. He loves drama and posted something about ebola on a local town page after I mentioned a conversation that I had with a local doctor (my neighbor).

Of course, he doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong, and when I didn’t see eye to eye on that he lost it. He said all sorts of crap that prompted me just to block his emails. Then he created a new email address to continue it. I’m guessing he must have gotten some kind of notification that his emails were not going through. I worked myself up a bit because I thought I was going to run into him at Nutcracker and I didn’t even want to see him. I kept my word and brought a bag of clothes for his daughter, and my youngest daughter gave them to her.

He did send a text thanking me for the clothes, and I just said no problem. As dramatic as that was, I’m glad it all happened. That makes me sound like a crazy person, but in some ways I didn’t want to get to the point where I cut him off totally, but now it’s clear that’s the way it needs to be.

The weather has been getting colder here, and my hip and lower back have been very stiff. I don’t have my follow-up appointment with the endocrinologist until November 1st, but some of my test results (the thyroid ones) came back completely fine. I’m not sure why the other results aren’t listed, but after doing a bunch more research on PCOS, I decided to buy some supplements and see if that helps at all. I went a little crazy and bought chromium, cinnamon, B complex, and co q10. I’ve only been taking them since Monday, so I don’t have anything to report on whether or not they are working.

I’m just desperate to find something to help. I feel like if I could just figure out why I’ve gained so much weight it would really help. It’s not only killing my self-esteem, but it’s also making it harder when I do exercise. I keep reading that people with PCOS are more likely to have heart disease, etc. I need to stay off of WebMD. I just want to get to my next appointment and have a plan. My biggest fear is that all my test results will be fine and there won’t be a course or plan of action.

So far this week, I’ve managed to be a huge bum. I feel slightly guilty that I hardly left my bedroom on Monday until the kids got home from school. It’s just that my weekends are so jam packed with me shuffling kids to one activity or another. I was out in the cold Saturday night for my son’s final regular season football ball game. I already knew they made the playoffs, but it was his first evening game, and though I still don’t understand football, even I knew it was a good game.

All in all, things are status quo. I’m not in terrible pain. I’m still tired all the time, but I’ve just accepted that this is the way it’s going to be.

Now let me say a few words about Renee Zellweger. I don’t have a problem with people wanting plastic surgery. Heck, if I had loads of money to spare I’d want a nose job. I’ve always looked in the mirror and just seen my nose. It’s too big for my face, but I live with it. What I don’t understand is wanting to look like a completely different person. I would never have known that was her, if they weren’t discussing it on the news.

Truth be told, she’s not a favorite of mine. She always looked like she was going to burst into tears in photos and I can’t stand the faces she’d make on the red carpet trying to look hot. That being said, I thought she was so much prettier before the surgery. She had a soft, kind quality to her that is just totally gone now. I’m not saying she’s not still pretty. She is fine, but I don’t understand to want to change everything. When does that end? I’d guess that once you start rearranging things and fixing things you don’t like, you’d likely begin to focus on another area you don’t like. Maybe go for liposuction next or a boob job?? I don’t know.

It just doesn’t make sense to me!

 

Is It Depression or a Funk

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It could be a bout of depression. It could be a funk, but it also could be that I’m irritated. I have been feeling better. My wrist is a lot better than it was the other day, and my pain level is very low. All in all, health-wise, I’m doing okay. I’m just still so tired. I fell asleep on a webinar last night and then heard them call my name and ask me to do tell the group about myself. Luckily, I wasn’t so far asleep that I didn’t hear my name, but it took me a moment to snap to it and answer.

The irritation comes in because yesterday someone asked me some questions about autism. I explained that it’s a very wide spectrum and while low-functioning, non-verbal children would likely stand out in a crown, there are so many kids with Asperger’s or that are high functioning ASD that the average person might not even be able to tell. I should know better than to discuss disabilities with this person, and I’m not even sure what prompted his question, but he responded with, “Don’t you think some parents just don’t want to admit that their kids are stupid?”

First of all, I’d never call any child stupid. I think there are plenty of stupid adults. Adults know what they are doing when they make stupid choices (or at least most of them do).  Mu thought was what kind of asshole asks a question like that. I responded with, “Well, there are neurologists and neuropsychologists that diagnose autism, but it’s possible you know more than them.”

Working with families that have children with all sorts of special needs, I hear many stories. No two children are alike even with the same disability. Two of my own children have dyslexia and they learn in completed different way. My son has difficulty with comprehension, and my daughter has trouble decoding. It is technically the same disability, but they couldn’t be more different.

So that set me off. But today is a new day and I just went for my last day of bloodwork. I took the steroid last night and this morning’s test for for the cortisol level. I’m just praying that they find some answers. The next hurdle is that I have to wait until my appointment on November 4th for some answers. That just plain sucks. I think that’s what has gotten me down the most. I just want so freakin answers. It’s frustrating to have different specialists disagree on my autoimmune diagnosis, and now it seems that after taking the more cautionary route of diagnosing me, my newer rheumatologist agrees that I not only have fibromyalgia but rheumatoid arthritis.

I really had my hopes up that it was a thyroid issue because that may have even changed the fibro and RA diagnosis because one of the big symptoms with thyroid issues is muscle and joint pain. Of course I ran with that and diagnosed myself with hypothyroid. It’s dumb I know…but if you had one shred of hope that you didn’t have RA, wouldn’t you at least dream about how great that would be. It was a bit of a reality check that these autoimmune issues aren’t going anywhere forever.

There won’t be a winter where my hands don’t turn white and blueish from Raynaud’s. There won’t be a day where I don’t have more than the average ache or pain. It sucks. But right now, I need to focus on some kind of PCOS diagnosis, as I already knew I had that from my days with infertility, but I just never saw it being an issue in my life again after conceiving. It’s just one more thing to add to the list, and that one isn’t even under the umbrella of autoimmune. I take a look at myself and this, holy crap is this 42? What am I going to be like at 52 or 72?

I’ll cheer up eventually. Perhaps stopping at Starbucks on the way home for an iced green tea will make everything better. It can’t hurt!

 

 

Stupid Hands

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I shouldn’t say hands…it’s really only one hand that I’m calling stupid tonight. I’ve been in terrible pain through my right wrist for the past few hours, so much so that I was sitting here in tears and broke down and took something for pain. I’ve actually never taken pain medicine for my hand/wrist pain. What causes me to take a pain pill is usually hip and low back pain that just affects one whole side of my body. So for me to take medicine for a wrist/hand, it’s bad. I suppose I should admit that I’m partially to blame.

Last night my girls wanted me to sit down and watch a movie with them and I hate sitting still. I thought it would be a good time to knit while I was watching Pitch Perfect. I love my knitting. I’m not very good. I made scarves. I don’t really want to learn to knit anything crazy or difficult because I find knitting very relaxing. If I have to follow a difficult pattern or learn crazy stitches, it loses some of the fun. I have mastered quite a few really pretty patterns and I look for new ones that are within my capability, but it’s just something that I like to sit and do. I knit throughout the movie and that may be why I’m hurting so badly today. I hate to think that two hours of knitting sent me over the edge because that doesn’t bode well for my relaxing past-time.

Yesterday was rainy and cold, and I’m hoping that the weather and damp cold are factoring into my pain level. Today the weather was really beautiful; it could have been about ten degrees warmer, but the sky was a deep blue and I had an hour to sit outside with my youngest daughter while my older daughter was in a dance rehearsal. We just sat outside and talked, and enjoyed the sunshine. I don’t do that enough. Don’t get me wrong…I sit and rest as much as my body tells me to because the alternate sucks and I’ve learned that the hard way, but I don’t always sit outside. It was nice.

I had a bit of drama last night and today with my former friend. I find it even too exhausting to get into (although it would probably be a good read). I just am at the point where I think he needs professional help. I was told a very in-depth story last night that I just find too many holes in. I hate to not believe in people, but then this morning he also mentioned that his new love broke up with him. SO…I think he was at a very low point and needed a reason to be validated for feeling as low as he did.

My afternoon ended with me shutting him down as to restarting our friendship. I left things nicely. I just truly hate drama, but I can’t open my life back up to someone who contacts me when everyone else shuts him out, or uses me as a punching bag when he’s at his depressive lows. I have my own full plate. Anyone who knows me well knows this is not an easy thing for me. I have the terrible habit of listening to people’s issues and being a good sounding board. It’s not really a bad thing, but it sometimes becomes one sided and that’s not fun.

The other thing is I’m learning to really put myself more toward the front of my own line. My kids will always come first, but if I’m not okay and healthy, I can’t take care of them, so I need to also take care of me. This means cutting back on people who annoy me and not being anyone’s punching bag and accepting a simple “I’m sorry” the next day. We ALL have those moments where we say more than we should have or something comes out wrong. I am not saying I’ve never made a mistake and apologized for it. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about someone who uses your insecurities to make you feel horrible and then says they are sorry.

Anyway, I’m content with how it all went down. I wasn’t mean, but at the end of the day, I still like me and the decisions I made.

In my “spare time” I’ve been deep into my research of polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I also learned that low vitamin D (my only strange result of my last bloodwork) is also a very common symptom of PCOS. I feel like we may be on the right track, but what sucked the most is when the endocrinologist point blankly said that my RA diagnosis wasn’t going to change. I suppose I knew that, but when I was researching thyroid issues there is the symptom of joint and muscle pain, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t the tiniest bit hopeful. So now, I may be looking at an autoimmune disease and a hormonal one, that has a high link to heart disease and cancer.

I just want and need confirmation so I can start dealing with it. I need to know. I’m going to have my blood drawn on two separate days this week, but my next appointment isn’t until November 4th. I really want to call way before that and find out my test results. Would you do that? I mean how hard is it for the nurse to call me back after the doctor has seen the results? Why should I wait until November to start treatment if my hormones are way out of whack and if my insulin resistance is off…or if my cortisol level is off.

I never thought I’d be a fucking medical nightmare at 42. It’s depressing. My mind has so much it wants to body and my body can’t freakin keep up. I’m hoping tomorrow is better because I have to switch out bins of winter clothes and pack away the summer ones. It’s one of my least favorite things to do. I also plan to de-clutter the girls’ room, but that might go better on Tuesday when they aren’t around. We’ll see what the morning brings.

As always…thanks for reading!

And Here We Go Down Another Path…PCOS

Ovarian Cyst

Polycycstic Ovarian Syndrome. Those are words I haven’t thought about for more than 12 years. When I was struggling to get and stay pregnant, I read every possible thing I could get my hands on trying to figure out what was going wrong, why I wasn’t getting pregnant, why I kept miscarrying, etc. With my degree in WedMD in hand, I marched into my brand new reproductive endocrinologist’s office and told him that I diagnosed myself with polycystic ovarian syndrome. I expected an argument. People with PCOS are overweight. I weighed 95 pounds. He spent some time reading my records, then looked at me and said, I agree with you, but I’d like to hear why you think so.

I went through all of my symptoms. I never had a regular period from the beginning. I’d go 6 or 8 months without getting one at all. I have always had issues with what I consider excessive hair. You know…those stray hairs on your chin or the female mustache. I get them on my chin all the time, and it’s the one thing that I can remember being made fun of in high school and I will never forget that moment as long as I live. I have darker patches of skin on my under arms, and of course highly cystic ovaries.

What I didn’t have was the obesity and the insulin resistance, but this doctor focused more on my ovaries than anything else. My ovaries never completed a cycle. Instead of maturing an egg and ovulating, my body would “overcook” it and it would turn into a cyst the size of an orange, or sometimes even a grapefruit before it would painfully burst. Once we realized this, and took the control of ovulation away from my body and instead induced it with a shot, I conceived on the first try with all three babies that I have.

So why am I telling you this? The endocrinologist today said he was going to redo the thyroid tests, but that 95% of the cases, the ones that I already had done would be accurate and diagnose hypothyroidism. Just in case, he is doing the Free T3 and Free T4 to see if I’m in that 5%. He also said the previous test that I did to see if my body was producing too much cortisol was basically useless. In order for the test to be accurate, I need to take some sort of steroid at 11pm the night before the blood test, and then fast before the test. That was not done before the last one.

On a separate day, he’s testing all my male hormones, or androgens. When we discussed my hair loss, he mumbled something about male pattern baldness and I almost cried. I think because it’s along the front? I have no idea, but that was not fun to hear. I go back in 3 weeks to discuss all of this testing. I wish I could say that I felt good right now. I feel like shit. I haven’t thought about my PCOS in a very long time and he mentioned that perhaps because I’m on such a very low dose birth control, it’s not suppressing the male hormones enough. He did say there were options and things to do if any of these tests come back showing a problem. That was the one silver lining of the appointment. It wasn’t left as, “well, you just need to eat less.”

He was a very nice doctor and did seem to listen that I really am doing everything I can. I’m going to work on cutting out excess sugar. I could never cut out fruit or stuff like that, but I don’t need to have a KitKat now and then or the Ferrero Rochers that I love. I think the more I have that stuff, the more I crave it. I just hope these tests give me some answers…any answers.

The other thing that’s bothering me today (other than feeling like crap about the way I look) is that this morning, after all three of my kids missed their buses, my husband snapped that all I do is lay in bed. At 7:45 in the morning, I’m not at my best. It really helps me to sit with my heating pad and allow my body time to loosen up. And frankly, I had about ten more minutes before I had to get into the shower and be at the gym. He can drive the girls to school. Who drives them to dance, football, and picks them up when they need to stay after school? Who runs to the store when they need more pencils or a dumbass poster board that they tell me about the night before a project is do? ME! So yes, you can get off your ass and drive them to school…so he did. Did I feel guilty? Nope! Not in the least. I stayed in bed for 5 more minutes then got in the shower.

So that’s my endocrinology update. It’s a different direction than I thought we were going. I don’t know if it’s a direction at all. I’m just feeling a little lost at the moment. Hoping to regroup by tomorrow. I’ll really somehow and study up on PCOS again.

Tomorrow Is Endocrinologist Day

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Tomorrow is the day. I’ve waited about two and a half months for this appointment and I’m stressing myself out. I don’t mind meeting new doctors or anything like that, but I am afraid of not being taken seriously or one more person saying they just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m tired of dead ends. I have every damn symptom of hypothyroidism, including a family history, with the exception of it showing up in my TSH.

Being me, I have spent the evening researching testing for hypothyroidism and there are other tests. Someone else told me the only way to test for Hashimoto’s is by a biopsy? I’m not finding that online though. If anyone wants to weigh in, please do. I’m creating my list so I don’t forget anything. I feel like I should have come up with this much sooner. I went through years of infertility, recurrent miscarriage, had extreme hair loss after each baby, etc. The symptoms were there but I never reported them. I was always underweight growing up. I think it wasn’t until I started blowing up that I starting putting all the symptoms together.

Maybe my hair isn’t falling out from the medicine. Maybe my skin is so dry for a reason. Things add up if you look at the whole picture, but I need a doctor that’s going to take the time to look at the whole picture and not just rule things out with one blood test.

On another note, it’s not even mid-October and I’m freezing. I went to work at the pediatrician’s office today and was sitting in my little room, grasping my cup of tea just trying to warm my hands. I came home in the afternoon and fell asleep and my hip, knee, feet and hands were completely stiff. My saving grace is my new hated throw. Right now I have it on full blast and the only things cold are my fingers and toes.

In random news, tonight I had to send an email that was difficult for me to send. I sought advice from a friend that I can trust before sending it, but the problem is I know the person on the receiving end is not going to take it well. In my work editing books, I get to know a lot of my clients pretty well…some more than others. I have a former client that I have never met in person, but that feels a connection to me as his good friend. He’s really going through a tough time, and I’m concerned not only about him, but about the connection that he feels to me. Sure, I share a lot of crap in an anonymous blog, but I’m not a big sharer with my clients. I have met some really interesting and intriguing authors and I have become friendly with some of them. Editing a book is a huge process. I’m asking someone to make changes to something they put their heart and soul into. I have people that I’d love to work with again, and others not so much.

This particular client was not bad to work with. My only issue was that I’d send something back with edits and he’d add two additional chapters in the middle of the book that changed everything. For those of you that aren’t authors, or even those who aspire to be authors, you never do that! You send your editor over the edge. It’s never easy to suggest someone that they speak to a therapist, but I truly feel this is what he needs with all he has gone through. I don’t want to give advice and then encourage his thinking that we’re BFFs.

Okay, I’m getting tired, so wish me luck and hopefully I’ll have more to say other than the new doctor took 12 vials of blood. Ugh…that’s probably my only update đŸ˜¦

Stressed about Football…Yep, I’m Serious

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I have way more important things to be worried about, but tonight I’m thinking about football. My son’s football game tomorrow, to be exact. This sports stuff is hell on me. I just want him to do well, and he does really well in the practices, but he gets nervous during the games. He’s playing against kids that are a lot bigger than him. The league allows kids that weigh 70lbs-105lbs, and my son is 76lbs. He’s not a big kid, so when he’s matched up with a bigger kid, he allows himself to get psyched out.

As a mom, I just want that one play. That one play where he knocks another player down, preferably the player carrying the ball, but I’m not fussy. He needs confidence, and I can’t give that to him. He needs to find it within himself. This parent stuff is tough!

My girls are also practicing for their Nutcracker audition next Friday evening. As crazy as this time of year gets with football games and Nutcracker rehearsals, I love it. My older daughter has been working one-on-one with a dance teacher to prepare for the audition. There aren’t a lot of prime roles for a nine-year-old, but she doesn’t dance with the lead studio in town (because I wouldn’t place her with someone who screams at her) and because of that she comes into the audition at a disadvantage.

The dance teacher is the daughter of a friend of mine, and she is just helping her with what to do during her 30 second spot where she can doing anything she want in front of the director. The audition is a bit intense. My younger daughter cried the first year, and left the stage because it was scary. There were like 80 girls on the stage being taught a combination and it was too much for her at age 5. She went back next year and she got the role of a mini mouse. She’s gung-ho to go back again this year, but her level of dance is that of a 7-year-old. She’s happy being a scurry mouse or an angel, and she’ll be fantastic at whatever she gets.

My older daughter really wants a part where she can do some ballet. Last year she got the role of a soldier and she cried because that was a “boy part.” I understood her sadness, but made her follow through with accepting whatever role she was offered. She was super shy about it, but she did ask the director for a second role, and she got to be an angel. Anyway, I’m babbling about Nutcracker, but it’s become a huge event for us the past few years.

It’s starting to get colder here in Connecticut, and my hip and leg have definitely started aching. My heating pad is out and being put to good use already. It’s funny, I’ve really spent the last few months dealing with exhaustion as my main symptom, with the occasional migraine. I forgot how the colder affected me. It’s not even that cold, but we had a damp rain today, and I was limping and I had pain shooting down my leg and into my foot.

I also had the neuoropathy symptoms again for the past few days in my hands and feet. At the moment, my right hand not only 6029721854_e19543daff_ohas the sharp pins and needles, it also feels burning hot.

With all the research I’ve been doing into Hashimoto’s prior to my appointment with the endocrinologist in October, I’ve been finding that most people with autoimmune diseases have more than one. I’ve love to hear if that’s true for you> It’s definitely true for me with rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, Raynaud’s disease, and possibly Hashimoto’s. I also talked to a girl who mentioned that the only real way to disagnose Hashimoto’s is through a biopsy of the thyroid. I would love any insight on this.

My rheumatologist did a blood test, but it wasn’t even all the blood tests that I saw recomended on the Hashi sites. Any feedback would be great!

Yes, I’m Alive

8616627167_b7b5307fa7_nI’ve started  several posts but last week was complete hell. I had a terrible migraine that began a week ago Sunday that was so bad I lost my vision and ended up spending the evening vomiting and feeling like my head was going to explode. Then when so much time had passed, it was difficult to come up with a blog to recap the entire two week span.

Do I go through everything? That would bore the crap out of you! I’ll give you the brief overview. My kids went back to school on August 28th. Everyone liked their teachers, even my son, who heard from some neighbors that his literacy teacher was “the meanest teacher ever.” Of course to my anxiety kid, this caused some tears, but I am happy to report that so far it’s going pretty well. She might not be his favorite teacher, but she’s not bad.

Both girls love their teachers. My oldest daughter got the teacher that she really wanted, but all of her friends…and I mean all of them, were placed in one other class. There were a few tears when she learned that she wasn’t with her friends, but she has met two nice girls in her class and she loves her teachers.

The youngest one took one look at her teacher and knew she was going to be perfect. She said, “Mom, she is so fashionable. She wears lots of accessories and pretty scarves!” I had the chance to meet her last night at the second grade Open House and she was really great. She had the right balance of fun and firm. I can see her not tolerating any misbehavior, but I can also see her really getting down and having a great time with the kids. She seems like a great fit for my youngest daughter.

The girls also started dance this week, which is always fun. They are preparing for their Nutcracker audition on September 19th. It’s always a big deal, but my older daughter is at that in between age where there really isn’t a lot of great roles. She is practicing with a dance teacher hoping to be in either the party scene or to be a flower bud. I’m more stressed than she is.

In other news, I still feel exhausted. I’m still needing to nap periodically throughout the day. It’s still frustrating. I’ve added vitamin D into my diet as directed by my doctor, but I haven’t felt much difference. I’m seeing the endocrinologist on 10/9. I spoke to a friend with Hashimoto’s today and she mentioned that the only real way to diagnose Hashi’s is through a thyroid biopsy. To be honest, I’d feel better with that. I don’t want to base everything on one blood test. I think I’m almost happy to ask for a biopsy. I want answers. I’m huge…enormous. I’m not eating enough to be this enormous. I need to figure our what the heck is wrong once and for all.

I’m hoping they do that. For now, I’m going to start walking every day when I can. It’s hard when your body is saying to nap.

Anyway, I am sorry about the long time between blogs. I hope you didn’t miss me too much. I’ll be better about blogging now. I am back on somewhat of a normal work/school schedule.

 

 

Another Day with No Answers

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I’m not going to lie. I’m pretty disappointed that I didn’t hear from my doctor today. The lab technician who drew my blood said all the lab results would be back by Friday, so I wait until about 1pm and called the office. I was directed to the nurse to get the results and I left her a message and didn’t hear anything back. I could take that in a couple of ways. #1. The results didn’t come back yet (unlikely) #2. The doctor didn’t have time to actually go over the results #3. The results we abnormal and the doctor wants to speak to me himself; in other words the call would be more than a nurse telling me everything looks good.

So which one am I going with? Of course it’s #3. I want them to find SOMETHING. I feel like hell. I could sleep all day and still be tired. The thing is, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little afraid of what they might say when they call me. I do have the whole cancer at 42; death at 43 thing going on in the back of my head. I keep telling myself, though, that I just don’t think it’s that. I really think it’s something to do with my autoimmune issues, but I need some answers.

Since I did call my regular doctor and leave a message before seeing the on-call dude, she called in a referral to an endocrinologist. I missed their call to schedule and appointment, but when I called today they told me I needed to call again on Monday to schedule it. There is still the chance (and it’s a big one) that all my tests will be normal and I’ll leave this round of testing once again with no answers.

Instead of falling into a depression about feeling like crap and still having no answers, I’m going to already have an appointment with an endocrinologist lined up for a second opinion on the TSH and thyroid tests. Isn’t it sad that I’m already banking on my back-up plan? There is a part of me that got upset earlier that no one called, and I started to panic about it being a bigger issue. I just like to know. I am a researcher. I want to know what I’m dealing with and research everything I can find on it.

It’s doubtful I’ll hear anything until Monday. So I need to try and put it out of my mind (good luck with that) and move on. We had my son’s little family birthday party this evening. It was small and quiet. My in-laws and my dad and step-mother came over for pizza and cake. It was a decent event, considering how some in-law events go. I thought my brother-in-law was going to lose it when my mother-in-law mentioned that one of my three-year-old nephews needed to do sit-ups to lose weight. Um…he’s three. He’s fine! I was actually proud of my brother-in-law for standing up to her and saying that he won’t allow her to create self-esteem issues in his children. I was also pleased that I wasn’t involved.

Other than that, it was a nice little get together. I’m exhausted from cleaning the house and getting everything ready today. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep in because I have my niece and nephew here tonight, but I intend to take a nice nap once they leave at 10:30. At the moment I can hardly keep my eyes open with no sleep aids. That in itself is crazy, but I’ll take it.

 

It’s My Baby’s Birthday

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Today is my son’s birthday. He waited up until midnight so he could celebrate, and then said, “I can’t believe I’ve been alive for eleven years. That went by so quick!” He’s not kidding! It seems like yesterday when my water broke and I was concerned about taking a shower and shaving my legs before going to the hospital. Heck, I had no contractions, so there wasn’t a real issue.

When my contractions started, about a mile from the hospital, they were intense and two minutes apart. That certainly wasn’t how the woman at the birthing class explained it would be. I heard things about laboring for hours and contractions being 15 minutes apart for a day. When I got to the hospital, I was 8.5 cm dilated. I got my epidural and had my baby two hours later. I waited years to have baby and there he was.

I look back on all the things I’d do different. I was a new mom who had never changed a diaper. I’d have held him more, snuggled more. Those moments just go by so quick. I remember rocking him one evening when I was pregnant with my daughter. It was late and he really didn’t want to go to sleep. I started singing a lullabye and for whatever reason he thought one verse was the most hysterical thing ever. He had the best belly laugh. So of course I kept singing it, and we’d laugh together until I was crying I was laughing so hard.

My son isn’t an easy kid. There is no manual that came with him. He’s got terrible anxiety, puts way too much stress on himself, is insecure, and has issues with reading and learning. Things are a bit of a struggle at times. Then again, I can turn it around and tell you that my son opens up and tells me anything and everything he’s feeling. We are emotionally very close. We have the same warped sense of humor, and when he needs someone to pick him up when someone has kicked him down, he knows I’m his biggest fan. I also get him to see the best in himself (okay, that’s a work in progress), but it is happening. My wish for him is that he’d see what I see when I see him. He’s handsome, smart, funny, and friendly. He’s thoughtful and kind.

Other than the birthday…which translates to me having to rush around and clean the house with no nap, I have to figure out how to decorate and get everything done. I’m not cooking, but I still feel like I need appetizers, plates, beer, soda, etc. Oh my mother in law is bringing the cake because the needs to show the world that her cake is the best.

I had my appointment with the ENT today. He numbed my nose, stuck a think scope up my nose and down in my throat to look around. I was asked to breath, and to make humming noises so he could watch the vocal chords do their thing. He said everything looked ok, which is good news. I asked if he was able to see my thyroid and he said no, but that if there were anything like thyroid cancer, the vocal chords would be affected. So his only advice was to try not to talk as much. Um…is he for real?

I’m Italian! I yell all the time. I will be quieter when the kids go back to school, but I don’t think I’m that loud. I’ll give it a try resting my voice. I mean it’s not like I’m talking during all the extra sleep I’m getting.

I’m debating on calling for my bloodwork tomorrow. I don’t usually do it. I usually think if it’s bad they call, and if not that don’t. But this time I want to know. I want to know my numbers and next steps. I want to know if I should have a endocrinologist look at my labs to see if there is anything else that should be tested. I will worry about it all tomorrow and I will remember to ask for the numbers and then look up everything they mean. I can’t ask questions without the information.

As I’ve learned throughout this, you aren’t going to learn f you don’t ask questions. There are so many people willing to help! Just ask!

But for now the Ambien is kicking in and I’m off to bed.