Blogging Is Hard

wonka

 

I’ve written about 10 blogs since my last post. Most were about how hellish it was waiting for my genetic testing results. I decided they were all too boring and never posted them because I was whining. They told me the tests would take 3–5 weeks and I tried to be optimistic, which is not my strong point. I told myself I’d get the call in 3 weeks…then 4…then 5. Then I called to see if there was a problem, but nope. They just weren’t back yet.

Seven weeks later I got the call while I was teaching a class but I saw it was the hospital and answered it anyway. Happily I can report that my genetic testing is fine. I did not have the BRCA gene mutations or any of the other mutations they tested for. This was a HUGE relief.

I attributed my horrific anxiety to the waiting. Though I can’t say it was on my mind all the time, I figure subconsciously it was adding stress. I was waking up with panic attacks and that panic feeling would last all day unless I took a Xanax. I tried everything. Running (well as much as a girl with rheumatoid arthritis can run) did help.

I have one of those Couch to 5K apps and though I’m at a point where the running intervals are too long for me, I still keep going , or at least I was until the last two weeks. We’ve had temperatures over 90 every day and running doesn’t even remotely sound like fun. Instead, I spend 30 minutes swimming laps (again…RA girl, not a strong swimmer, sometimes with a damn pool noodle but kicking my legs the whole time and moving my arms). It’s enough to get my heart rate up and I’m doing something.

Even with that and the relief of my genetic testing news, I’m still struggling with my anxiety. I’ll hear the smallest thing and that will be it. Or sometimes it’s nothing specific and it will just come on out of nowhere.

I’ve been into my essential oils. I don’t want any of my doTerra friends to jump on me here because I love my doTerra oils, but I’m a broke girl…I found a few blends online that I have been diffusing that I think have really helped with my anxiety and they are like $4. I do think there is a correlation between scent and the mind. It doesn’t take the anxiety away, but it helps me.

My vent of the evening is probably one most people have at the moment. Have you had enough of people arguing politics on Facebook, Twitter, etc.? I try to stay out of it. Our country is in a scary place right now and I try and listen with an open mind when people talk. I can’t stand people who are so far in either direction that they can’t have a conversation and listen to someone else’s views. If that’s you, you are part of the problem. We need to get back to being able to listen and disagree without all hell breaking loose.

The Internet changed that for us. Memes changed that for us. We never had Bush/Clinton?Perot memes, but boy some of those would have been funny.

I have one Facebook friend who endlessly posts anti-Muslim things. I try to understand where it’s coming from and it’s a place of fear. She’s afraid for herself, her family, her country. I understand the fear. I don’t understand blaming an entire religion when we have many Muslim Americans fighting in our military against ISIS.

I don’t know that I’ve ever been political on this blog. I’ll probably get a slew of mean comments, and I guess that’s okay. People have their strong beliefs on what needs to be done. I’m one of those people that is somewhere in the middle. I think we have two crappy choices and need to decide who will be the lesser of the evils.

Maybe they are both great people. I am just not sure I think someone who gets into a 7 or tweet Twitter war with a celebrity in charge of when we declare war. On the flip side, there are huge trust issues with Hillary and I’m not sure she brings the kind of strong arm protection we need as a country right now.

What I’m trying to say is I have no freakin idea and I’m going to watch each and every debate. But anyone who thinks they are changing someone’s opinion with a meme on Facebook, I’m sorry. You are making yourself feel better about your decisions. That’s all.

So RA? How’s that? Well me sed rate is down. My C reactive protein is down so all that is good. Overall I feel well. It’s the summer. I do better in the warmth. I can swim, which helps. I have had a few days of stiffness and pain where I’ve needed some pain medication, but very little more than muscle relaxers and Alleve. I’m counting my blessings and taking the reprieve from the intense pain for as long as I can.

I hope my autoimmune friends are all doing well too!

 

Anxiety Sucks

My past few weeks have been filled with a lot of panic attacks and anxiety. Actually I’m not sure they are panic attacks, but they are what I’d consider panic attacks. I get this feeling  of anxiety, a little tightness in my chest, I feel like my heart rate is fast, but it isn’t, and I just find myself unable to calm down even with deep breathing.

Kind of sounds like a heart attack when I write it out that way, but at the moment I need to stay off WebMD. I know it’s anxiety. I have had a lot on my plate. I worry a lot in general. I stick my foot in my mouth quite often and deal with the repercussions, which require a significant amount of my time stressing about how to deal with things.

I worry about my kids. Am I doing enough? Am i doing too much? What am I doing wrong? My son has been downright nasty lately. Maybe you can say it’s that he’s almost 13 and that’s typical, but dear lord. He walks in the house and immediately starts being nasty to my youngest daughter. He goes out of his way to be mean.

He argues with me constantly because clearly it’s my fault that he’s in special education for a reading disability and he wants me to tell the school he doesn’t need to go anymore. And he just won’t let things go. EVER! He will talk about something until you want to give in…that’s the plan, I think. But I don’t fall for it.

He recently went off his ADHD medicine and I’m beginning to think this was a bad decision. I feel like it’s adding to his behavior issues. I don’t want to be constantly arguing with him or telling him to calm down. He’s an amazing kid. One on one, he’s so awesome, but he’s so freakin selfish. I just don’t get it.

If his sister’s get to do anything, he gets angry and needs to do something better. He does a LOT! We may not be rich, but we do a lot for our kids to be able to do the sports they want and activities, etc. Out trip to Disney almost sent me over the edge. Any time his sisters wanted to go on a ride he didn’t want to go. If he wanted to go on something then the group could be happy and have fun, but if he was miserable, we all were miserable.

I need to talk to someone about it, or bring him back to therapy because I am at my wit’s end. It’s adding to my stress, but certainly not all of it.

I feel like in my 40s I shouldn’t be worrying about childish games that girls play, but some people never grow up. The gossip and nastiness never ends. It’s not one thing in particular, but rather a general feeling of no longer being included. There is a part of me that’s really okay because even I know I don’t fit in. I’m far from the cool kid, HAHA. But I guess it’s that I don’t know what I did that’s bugging me.

What I’ve decided is to handle it differently than usual. I need to look at people for who they are. I have a lot of really terrific people in my life. I may not be that person who goes out every weekend and posts pics all over FB drinking with my friends, but I have friends that make me laugh, smile, and that I know have my back as I have theirs.

So back to the anxiety…I think that with everything going on it’s this breaking point and at random points through the day my body just says, “ok I’m done, you need to stop now.” I don’t like medicine, but I have been taking a half of a Xanax when I need it. It helps takes that edge off and then I use my breathing and some essential oils. I won’t push those on anyone, but I’m starting to use them and I think for certain things they do help me.

I’m not crazy trying to cure everything with them, but headaches, relaxation, stress, sore muscles, etc., they work pretty well.

My only good news (other than my friend from my last blog is doing magnificent and is already home from the hospital) is that I think the change in medication has finally allowed me to start losing weight. I was gaining anywhere between 1-3 pounds per week for over a year. Nothing I did would stop it. I exercised like a maniac. Tried every diet plan…everything. I was eating under 1000 calories a day and wouldn’t lose a pound.

A few months after a medication switch I’m finally seeing the weight come off. I am down 20lbs since November, but 10lbs since February. This is huge for me. I couldn’t get the scale to move forever.

I’m also feeling well enough to lightly walk and jog on the treadmill. I’m slow as hell. I’m lucky is I can jog for 3 minutes, but I keep going and I feel pretty good. I was so diligent before we left for Disney and I need to get back to it. My FitBit was keeping me accountable. I’ll get back on track tomorrow, though I’m sure I’ll be going backward in stamina.

Anyway, this blog was all over the place. That’s how scattered I’ve been. Maybe I have ADHD. I’m old and crotchety and I think in my old age I am less tolerant of people who are fake. I don’t have time. I am working hard to surround myself with happy people. It’s not easy letting go of friends that have been around for a while, but let me tell you, Facebook has this new acquaintance feature. It’s fabulous!

You can list your friends as acquaintances and choose not to share things with acquaintances. I decided I didn’t need the people that I don’t really see or talk with to have access to my posts, pictures, etc. I’m not deleting them. They can see my comments, etc. just not every post. I LOVE that! It’s helping me not be an unfriending bitch while still keeping things private from those with whom I question their trust.

I’ll try not to be so scattered next time!!

 

 

Crying for No Reason

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Did you ever want to cry for no reason? I mean nothing is really wrong. My kids are fine…I’m counting down the days until they go back to school, but that’s only because they are bickering all the time. They are healthy and happy. Work is going really well. I know I’m overwhelmed that my house is a mess and that I have a lot to do before school starts, but I don’t cry when I’m overwhelmed, nor do I want to.

So this is my dilemma tonight. I got home from my son’s football practice and I feel sad. For once I’m not stressing about how my son is doing at a sport. He actually seems to be doing quite well. Don’t get me wrong, he’s no star player, but last year he had a fear in him of being tackled or tackling someone. Since he did wrestling last winter (against every fiber of my being) he lost that fear of falling and being knocked down. I actually think that will really help him in football, and most of all he seems happy. That’s half the battle because he’s very dramatic, not on the field, but when he gets home.

There’s a mom there that I don’t particularly like. I have been nicely avoiding her and that’s been working okay for both of us. I don’t say this about many people, but she’s a nut job. We used to play Bunco in a group once a month and when it was my turn to host she showed up crying, brought her daughter’s IEP–for those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s an Individualized Education program for special education, not something people usually bring to Bunco. Most people bring wine or a dessert. Anyway, her conversation went from cry about her daughter, which I listened to for an hour, to discussing douching, to discussing her husband’s anatomy and what she was going to do to him when she got home. Now I’m not sure about your get-togethers in your neighborhood, but the rest of us stood there stunned.

No one knew what to say so the subject was quickly changed and she just didn’t get the hint making sexual innuendos for the rest of the evening. So that was strike one for crazy lady. Strike two was that her child, a daughter with special needs and my son did not hit it off. We tried to deal with it nicely and keep them away from each other in the classroom, but her daughter told the class that she and my son were dating. I’ve mentioned several times that my son has a tough time fitting in to begin with. Add to that that now he’s”dating” a girl in fourth grade that he doesn’t even like and he’ starts really getting made fun of. So he unkindly, told her to shut up and get away from him. ould he have handled it better? Yep! Should he have handled it kinder? Yep! Did he get in trouble? Yep!

BUT..the mom went on to tell everyone who would listen that her daughter was now afraid of my son because he HIT her. Funny because there were three teachers in the room and 20 students, all of whom were interviewed and NONE of them saw him hit her. My son says dumb things to fit in. I’ll be the first to tell you that, but he’s not a violent kid. He’s never hit anyone at school…aside from picking on his sisters. The principal told me that because the mom made the complaint she had to call me, but that all evidence showed that nothing happened and that the girl kept changing her story. She said my son looked genuinely upset when he was asked if he hit her and said he’d never hit her. He copped right away to saying he told her to shut up and get away from him, but that’s it. I don’t have rose colored glasses. My son did not like this girl and I really tried to get him to calm down about it. She has autism and didn’t understand his personal space and for a child like my son who has his own battles with social issues, it was a bad fit.

Anyway, I haven’t seen her since, but other moms have told me she hasn’t let it go. It’s been two years…can I get a Let It Go? So that irked me, not enough to make me cry, though.

It’s silly to think something like Robin Williams’ death would leave such a cloud over me, but I really think it has. He was such a part of my growing up. It’s a huge memory of mine watching Mork & Mindy with my Mom and Step Father and brother. All of us together as a family. We brought him into our homes and he made us laugh every week. I love the things I’ve learned about him behind the scenes that he took the time to get to know the interns and crews on the sets, etc. He seemed like a good man inside and out. Reading what his daughter said just endeared me to him more. I’m sad that he might have done this because of Parkinson’s and all the gossip that goes along with it. I’m sick of hearing that he’s a coward. I don’t believing in judging what you don’t know.

I think that is the thought that should carry over into daily life. Don’t judge what you don’t know. One of the best actors in my daughter’s play was playing a very eccentric role on the man behind the door at Oz. He was fantastic and hilarious. But as soon as my mother-in-law and sister-in-law saw him they didn’t smile once and enjoy his role. Why? Because they thought he was gay? Was he eccentric on stage? Yes. Was he backstage? Not at all. He was one of the nicest cast members I met. Guess what though, it didn’t and wouldn’t matter to me if he was gay or not. That kid had talent. Isn’t that what a show is about.

I’m all over the place tonight…still not able to cry. I kind of want to. I miss my mom and it’s not a good time for that. I feel like I need to plan that around anniversaries of her death and her birthday, but I miss her today. I was watching my daughter’s voice lesson and thinking, she’d be thrilled. Who knows. Maybe I’ll schedule some time to cry tomorrow and it will come out. So far nothing has happened but I’m feeling blue.

 

RIP Robin Williams

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I was so sad to hear of Robin Williams’ passing today, but even more sad to learn that it was suicide. I knew he had struggled with drugs and depression, but it’s hard to understand how someone can seem to have everything and still feel alone and depressed. It reminded me very much of autoimmune diseases in that depression is its own invisible illness, and its one that so many people just don’t understand. While I have periods of feeling depressed, I struggle more with anxiety than depression, and I certainly have never felt so low as to contemplate suicide.

A person has to be in tremendous pain to feel that suicide is the best or only option. There are people online saying how selfish it is, and I get that. Yes, it is a selfish choice that leaves others behind with questions and unspeakable grief, but think of what kind of pain the person had to be in to want to take their life away. Obviously it’s more than just being upset or going through a lot. It’s clinical depression and it’s way beyond the scope of what most people can comprehend. My heart goes out to his family and I’m just finding myself feeling so sad for him tonight. He brought so much laughter and light into people’s lives and most of them never knew how badly he was suffering.

I remember when I was a kid we’d all watch Mork and Mindy as a family. He was fantastic. He just got better and better, but you can go back and watch one of those re-runs today you can see that raw talent–his ability to take a scene and run with it. He was an amazing talent and I’m finding myself feeling very sad about his passing tonight.

As for my, physically I’m not in my best shape. Little by little over the last few days my lower back and hips have started to tighten up. I have been waking up very stiff and ending the day the same way. I could hardly keep my eyes open this afternoon and ended up needing to lay down for a nap. I think my late nights at The Wizard of Oz are catching up with me. I’ve also still been fighting this sore throat on and off. It’s not bad enough to call the doctor. It kind of comes and goes, but it’s just enough to annoy me now and then…and yes, I’m still coughing.

I do have an appointment with the rheumatologist either Friday or Monday. Isn’t that pathetic. That’s how crazy life has been. I seriously need to call the office tomorrow and confirm which day my appointment is on and what time. I need to start using my phone for these things. I swear Siri hates my guts. I even asked her one day and she told me I was being irrational. I can’t stand her or that darn phone. Whenever I need something she says she’s sorry she can’t help me at the moment or she gives me some crap from Wikipedia that has nothing to do with what I needed. So much for being a smart phone!

Tomorrow I intend to teach my class and then get some work done around the house. After that I’m resting. I know my kids won’t be thrilled but they need to catch up on summer reading anyway. My son is way behind. My youngest daughter has been a bit of a pill lately, and I’m not sure what to do about it. Whenever I tell her no, she pouts and throw a fit and I’m not the type of mom that puts up with that crap. She’s been getting in a lot of trouble but nothing seems to be sinking in.

I have to figure out a new way to get through to her. I will figure that out tomorrow. I’ll put that on my To-Do list right after my nap!

Yep, Still Coughing

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At some point soon, I’ll call the doctor and let her know that I can’t stop coughing, but in order to do that I need some free time. I fell asleep writing last night’s blog so I scrapped it and started a new one for today. Today was my second real day in the “office.” I was working out of the pediatrician’s office today…remember last week when I had all that time to write an extra long blog because there was nothing to do? Well, it wasn’t like that at all today!

It was really busy, and I have to be honest and say that I loved it. I loved working with the doctors and learning the background on patients prior to speaking with them. I loved learning how to look up prior evaluations and read reports so I could familiarize myself with the child’s history prior to calling the parent. That makes my life so much easier. I can actually prepare a bit before making the call rather than going in blind and having to call someone back after gathering information.

Dare I say it? I liked working in an office. I’m kind of laughing because for the majority of the day I was alone in a room. The occasional doctor or office person stopped by, and I did get to meet with one family in person, but other than that it was just me. Kind of like being at home without the pajamas. I think it’s going to be a good thing for me, and it’s definitely going to be a great thing for the nonprofit organization that I work for because we will get to see so many more clients this way.

I titled yesterday’s unpublished blog, Laughter Makes Everything Better, and although I didn’t laugh as much today as I did yesterday, the same holds true. Yesterday I had two friends and their kids over to swim. I know a lot of people in my town, so this makes people think I’m not anti-social. I never said I wasn’t friendly. I suppose I’m friendly, I just have a difficult time getting to know people. The two girls that came over yesterday are two people that I met a few years ago and I instantly clicked with because they are both “what you see is what you get” kind of people. They aren’t pretentious. They are just plain nice and seriously funny. We were joking about our school Facebook pages. The are these parent-run group pages and at times you would think these people have nothing better to do than spend the day asking and answering questions on Facebook. In July, people are worried about the lunch menu for the first day of school. They are concerned about whether or not their child is capable of buying lunch in 5th grade.

So, in true silliness, two of us acted out the posts for the one that hadn’t yet read them. I was laughing so hard I was in tears because I was channeling some town members who clearly had their undies in a bunch of the subject. It reminded me that we all need to spend a little more time laughing and a lot less time getting stressed out over stupid things. We all do it. I do it! I might not be griping over school lunches in July, but we all have dumb things that we stress about that affect us in many ways. I need to stop, take a deep breath, and let it go.

I’m finding myself saying that phrase (and singing it thanks to Frozen) more often these days. I’m trying to get my son to relax, and I think the best way to do that is to show him that I can relax, too. I’m working on it…it will happen at some point. My son had a day off his meds (thanks to his dad) and it took me about 5 minutes after I got home from work to notice. His therapist today said that she thinks some of the behaviors, outside of today’s obvious ADD behavior, were–gasp—hormones. She told me that him being an ass to his sisters was normal. Dear god! Please tell me that’s not normal. I may not survive this puberty stuff, though I’m not quite sure he’s there yet.

I’m happy to announce that his travel baseball is done (hurray for me) and tonight started football camp. Next week football begins 4 nights per week. Oh, did I mention that I have Wizard of Oz Thursday through Sunday this weekend and next? I’m trying not to think about the exhaustion. I’m going to take one day at a time, and rest during the day.

While my arthritis has been better, I’m going through that part of fibromyalgia where my sin is so sensitive to the touch. It’s also itchy all the time, though I’m not sure if that’s fibro or just me. I read online that someone was using a weighted blanket and they found a lot of relief with RA and fibro symptoms. I’m dying to hear if anyone else has tried this. Part of me thinks it’s an interesting theory, though the other part wonders if even the slightest thing bothers me in terms of touch because it’s like I’m hyper-sensitive, then maybe the weighted-blanket might be too much. I don’t know, but I’d still like to try it. I might try and make one–you know, in all my spare time between when Wizard of Oz ends and Nutcracker begins and my free days from football–oh wait, I will have to figure out how to make one on the field or in the auditorium. That’s my only hope! The life of a mom, but I wouldn’t trade it.

Tonight’s rant out of nowhere will be on Sister Wives. I believe I’ve had this rant before, but I can’t help it. I need to discuss Kody’s hair again. First you have Meri wanting him to straighten his hair to look like Keith Urban. OMG, people, that was hideous. Then another wife…I don’t even know which one, wanted a pony tail. Then they had the tell-all and all the women discussed the hairstyles and which they liked best. This was their moment! This was their time to say, “Kody, trim the freakin hair. You look terrible.” But, no! None of them did that. They all said, “Oh I like his hair best just like this, all fluffy.” WHAT? I might be able to get past the fact that you are sharing your husband with other women, solely on the fact that if I had someone help cooking, cleaning, and babysitting, I might not think it was such a bad idea either. Heck, if it got my husband out of the house a few nights and I had the bed all to myself, even better. But, the hair? Oh no! I don’t think I could put up with the fluffiness.

It’s a Two Xanax Kind of Night

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I’m having a panic attack. It could be a multitude of things that set it off, but it’s been bad for the last hour so I just took Xanax number two (totaling 1mg) and hopefully I’ll relax sometime soon. For the most part today was uneventful. I was able to thoroughly clean my kitchen, even getting down on my hands and knees to clean the floor (it was pretty gross down there).

My son had a baseball game tonight, and if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know how I dread those. I try and support anything and everything my kids do, but lately baseball has been nothing but a downer and causing stress for my son (and for me). He hasn’t had one hit in this travel league. I will add in there that for the most part he gets walked. The pitchers have trouble adjusting pitches to his size in our batting order.  We have our tallest player hitting right before him, and my son is the smallest kid on the team. I’m not saying he hasn’t struck out, too–oh he has–but, more often than not, he gets on base with a walk.

As a mom, I’m happy he’s not out. As a kid, the poor guy just wants to hit the damn ball. He had some really great hits during our Park & Rec season and his confidence was up, but he hasn’t had a hit in this travel season and he’s beating himself up. So I see him walking up to bat. There are two outs, and of course, as any good mother does, I cringe and begin praying.

The pitch is right to him and I’m see him swing. Much to my surprise (and everyone else’s) he hits the ball and starts running. Now I’m praying that he makes it to first base. In the meantime two other kids score runs as my son runs in what seems like slow motion toward first base. He gets there just as the first baseman gets the ball, but luckily the kid dropped it. As I’m thanking God for the kid’s error, I see my son’s coach start yelling at him for not running straight through the base. He hesitated when he saw the kid had the ball. The kid hasn’t had one hit all season. You can’t let him have one freakin moment?

I sat there pissed off, but they played long enough in that inning for my son to score, so I was happy and he looked happy. They were winning 13-3 when he was up again, and as luck would have it, lightning struck and they had to end the game. When we got home (we had taken separate cars) I congratulated him on the hit and he said, “It wasn’t…” oh crap I don’t remember what kind of hit he said it wasn’t. I’m not a baseball person. In other words, it wasn’t a good enough hit. It wasn’t a hard enough hit. He waited for this moment, and it wasn’t good enough. I hate his coach tonight.

Then I felt stressed because my cousin sent me a Facebook message asking why I didn’t bring the kids over to see her puppy as we had talked about prior to our fight when she said I betrayed her at cut me out of her life. I thought about my response for a good 40 minutes and I think that’s what caused the panic. I hate drama. I wrote back that she should re-read her instant messages from the other night that decide whether or not she’d feel welcome. Then I mentioned that I did not have time to discuss it further. She wrote back that she was sorry.

DRAMA!!! Anyway, we’ve been having these storms every single night and I really believe they are messing with my RA and fibro. Tonight I am fighting a migraine, and I am still dealing with the intense pain in my hip and low back. I also have a lot of tightness through my neck. I took some Alleve, but it didn’t seem to do much of anything. When I’m finished with tonight’s blog, I’m going to get my ice packs and turn off all the lights to hopefully get some sleep.

I’m not sure why but my insomnia has been really bad this week. I haven’t fallen asleep before 2:00AM in the past 4 nights. Last night I was up playing online Yahtzee (Dice with Friends) with random people at 3:00AM. You know you’re really bored when you’re trying to get people to play Yahtzee with you in the middle of the night.

And my random outburst of the night: What is up with so many people leaving their babies in cars? Yesterday another child died in a hot car and this time it was only two towns over from me. The father worked all day and didn’t realize he forgot to drop his son off at daycare. Now, let me first say that people who live in glass houses should never throw stones. When that first case came out a few weeks ago, I was so upset and I tried to put myself in that father’s shoes. Maybe he didn’t usually drop the child at daycare? Maybe the child was sound asleep and not making noise? Maybe the father was so stressed with things he was frazzled and now would spend the rest of his life paying for this horrific mistake?

Then the reports came out that the dad was researching how long it would take for a dog to die in a hot car, and how long it would take for a child to die in a hot car. Then there were reports that he was sexting while the poor baby was in the hot car. The very man that I was doing my best to try and show a shred of compassion for, even in all his stupidity, was a horrid man. So now I’m jaded. I’m asking how this father in Ridgefield, CT worked a full work day and didn’t once think of his son. Not once did his mind wander to what his son might be doing at daycare that day.

How? How does a parent not think of their child all day? How does that happen? Why does someone need to leave a shoe in the back seat of their car to remind them that their child is there? I talked to my kids in the car. I’m a stressed, frazzled, forgetful mom. I forget appointments, paperwork, dinner. I never forget my kids. All I’m saying is I don’t understand. I now find myself looking in every car in every parking lot. Why is this happening so often? I don’t get it.

It’s a New Day

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Yesterday was a difficult day. I spent a lot of time today thinking about and praying for the families of the two people in my life that passed away. I didn’t have a lot of time to over-think about it. I had a really busy day of meetings and running around with my kids.

I’m fighting a migraine at the moment, and I’m also trying to quell a full on panic attack about tomorrow. Tomorrow I will be going into work at a pediatrician’s office for the first time. This is going to ultimately be a once per week thing, but tomorrow is the big “meet & greet” event with me and all the doctors. Did I mention I am not a people person? I have terrible social anxiety? I’m not even sure I like people.

I went to the store to buy myself an outfit to wear and was at least pleased that I have dropped two sizes (still not thrilled with my weight, but at least it’s not going up). As I found something that I felt was appropriate to wear tomorrow, and possibly even cute, I started to completely panic over the small talk. OMG, small talk!

I may have to talk myself into walking through the door tomorrow. I know this is such a huge opportunity for the nonprofit organization that I work for, so I want to do a great job…I just think sometimes when I’m nervous I talk too much, or I stand in a corner and don’t talk. There is no happy medium.

I’ll work on that as I’m talking myself off a ledge on the drive into the office. I don’t even like the sound of that.

On another note, my daughter has a girl over for a sleepover tonight. She’s a nice kid, but she doesn’t mesh with my younger daughter. I think she probably isn’t my favorite of my older daughter’s friends, if I’m being truthful. She has a really nice group of friends. I feel very blessed that she has a great group of girls in her corner because she is such a shy kid. One of her best friends is moving a few towns away this summer and she isn’t taking that too well.

The girls that’s over tonight is sweet, but dramatic. She tells on my younger daughter for everything, and my younger daughter has cried about six times tonight. This is just not the norm when my older daughter has friends over. I mean, I get it, they probably don’t want the little sister there the whole time, but her other friends aren’t mean to my younger daughter at all. In fact, they go out of their way to include her. Let’s just chalk this up to not my favorite sleepover.

Don’t get me wrong, she’s a good kid. It’s just tough being a referee all night. My little one finally went to bed in her room a little while ago. All of this did not help my headache. It’s not quite migraine status, but it’s at the point where I’m considering taking something before it gets much worse. I’m off to get my ice packs and lay down.

Wish me luck tomorrow. I have a feeling I’m going to need it. Let’s hope I don’t blurt out something stupid, or trip and fall on my ass.

Must Get Some Sleep

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I’d like to wish all the Dads out there a Happy Father’s Day! I hope it was a good one. Mine was a bit crazy. My daughter had a recital practice with her voice coach this morning and I thought it wasn’t going to go well when she walked into a room full of teenagers (she’s 9). She ended up shocking me, and just saying, ” See you in two hours, Mom!” I picked my jaw up off the floor and went home to do some laundry.

I think over the past week–oh who am I kidding, probably for as long as I can remember–my house has been a freakin mess. I have too much crap. My kids have too many clothes, toys, crap, etc. All I wanted to do today was spend the day cleaning. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? It wasn’t! But it needed to get done. I really only tackled my bedroom and my girls’ room, along with 5 loads of laundry.

The kids went out on the boat with their Dad and I opted to stay home, marinate some steaks, and clean while nobody was bugging me to cook something, play something, answer something, or do something. I’m gearing up for the kids to be home for summer in a few days. I need to throw out some of their stuff before they are home for summer vacation. If they don’t see me getting rid of it, they likely won’t notice it’s gone.

The girls’ rooms looks so nice. I hung new curtains that have zebra stripes and organized all their crap. Now that it’s all organized I can easily go through their dressers tomorrow and start tossing stuff for Good Will. Then, I’m consider starting my son’s room if I have enough energy. My energy level gave out around 6pm this evening and my body decided that I was done for the day.

I felt pretty well overall, but my right hip just has that nagging pain that won’t go away. It’s more of an annoyance. Every now and then it gets worst and I’m limping a little, but again–not as bad as in the winter. I keep reminding myself what it was like when it was -2 here in Connecticut. It sucked. I’m just waiting for some nice warm weather. It’s not normal for me to have on fuzzy socks and a sweatshirt in June–yep, that was me at Big Y!

So, tomorrow I have a very big day and I’m a tad bit stressed. I even took a Xanax because I knew sleep was not in my future without it. I’ve been taking some special education law courses in the hopes of becoming more of an advocate for families looking to get special education services for their children. As I mentioned, I work for a terrific nonprofit organization that does wonderful work helping families of children with special needs, but so many of my cases involve schools that are denying services for kids who desperately need them, especially very young kids. Early intervention is key to a child’s success.  Anyway, tomorrow I’ going to my first PPT (Planning and Placement Team meeting) as an advocate.

I’m not sure if I’m ready. It’s for someone that I know personally and she asked me because she knows I care and want to help. It should be cut and dry, but I just want it to go as well as possible, because I do care. There is a part of me that might not be cut out for this because I will take it personally when there are young children who need help involved. Ha! I’m talking myself out of it before I even finish the first course or go to my first PPT, that isn’t for my own child.

Needless to say, I need a good night’s sleep. I don’t know what I’m going to wear. ACK! I can’t stress over that type of crap.

In other news, I have finally come to terms with the NY Rangers loss in the Stanley Cup finals. To celebrate how well they did this year, I dressed up Brutus in a Rangers jersey. I also bought him an outfit for 4th of July. My kids decided that I’m insane, but look, chances are they are all going to end up in therapy anyway. Everyone always blames the mother! At least I’m giving them plenty to talk about. “Well there was this time my mom came home with a 4-foot metal flamingo and named him Brutus. He then became part of the family….”

Wish me luck tomorrow, both at the PPT and for not throwing up from anxiety at the PPT.

Perhaps It’s Time To Up the Meds

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I tried. I tried to lower my Celexa in the hope that it would help me to lose weight. It’s been a month and you know what? I’m a bitch from hell! I’m snapping at everyone. I have so much anxiety and stress and I was starting to wonder what the hell was happening. Was I under THAT much more stress? Okay, my son has been going through a lot and it has caused me to want to get on his bus and pummel someone…but I haven’t actually done it. I think it’s more the fear and worries I have for him that are affecting my life and causing me to be…well, neurotic.

Today I was actually thinking about moving out of my town because I hate the people involved in all the sports and I hate that I feel like my son doesn’t really fit in. I’m not moving. I’m not losing it, but I did decide that I felt better on the higher dose of Celexa. The tiny dose of 10mg that I was on wasn’t cutting it. I felt better on 20mg and it’s not a failure. Yes, I’m telling myself that as much as I’m telling you.

I accept that I just feel better on the 20mg. I might even go as far to say I’m a nicer person, maybe even a nicer mom. I’ve been snapping at my kids and I don’t like that. I just feel like I’m on the verge of tears or a breakdown a lot of the time, but it never actually comes to that. I’m getting upset about stupid things. So, I started back on the 20mg tonight, and I’ll call my doctor tomorrow to tell her. It’s the right decision for me, even if it hinders the weight loss a bit.

Today was a decent day in terms of my RA. I was able to get out for a three mile walk for the first time in a really long time. It was really beautiful here and I just needed to get out of the house after a disastrous playoff baseball game (we lost) and a hellish 5-year-old birthday party for my nephew that was really loud. I took some me-time and went for a walk. It was a beautiful, sunny day and it really felt good. I have a feeling I will be achy from it tomorrow, but it was worth it.

I’m going to see how I feel and maybe try to do half of that walk tomorrow. It’s fairly flat, so it’s not as difficult as my regular walk. It’s not as hard on my joints though, because it doesn’t have the steep hills. If I feel okay, I’m going to try to get out there again. I think it did my mind good, as well as my body.

My hands are a bit swollen this evening, which is odd. I’m not sure if the walk started something or whatnot, but it’s not horrid. Just enough to be a little annoying. I’m going to take an anti-inflammatory before I go to bed and hope for the best. I’m watching the Western Conference Hockey finals. I am hoping the Chicago Blackhawks win, but only for a friend of mine, not because it really matters to me. It only matters that the Rangers win. Playoff hockey is so much more interesting to watch.

I have a busy week ahead and I am going to work on not being so cranky. Wish me luck!

 

 

 

Losing My Voice and Possibly My Mind

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I don’t think I’m getting sick. I mean I don’t feel like I’m sick. I feel like I’m getting an RA or fibro flare. I can’t really tell the difference with the exception the I think my RA flare tend to affect my hips and hands more and my fibro flares I feel more through my shoulders and muscles. Either way I start to feel rundown and achy. I’m not sure with the scratchy voice comes into the mix. i don’t have a sore throat so it could just be allergies, but I’m sounding a bit like Bonnie Tyler (and all the early twenty-somethings are asking who??).

I got to sleep in today, which was nice. I went out with some friends last night to play Bunco and had a few drinks for the first time in almost a year. I am not a drinker, mostly because I don’t like the taste of alcohol, but also because wine gives me migraines. The friend hosting Bunco made this fruity concoction with Limoncello and something else with strawberries and raspberries and it tasted like fruity lemonade. After three glasses I was very thankful I wasn’t driving, even if it was less than a mile down the road.

I truly needed the night out after this long week. I am finding myself so angry at people, and now I’m at a point where I’m questioning if lowering my Celexa was the right decision. I’m not going to say I haven’t had a lot on my plate. If you’ve been reading this blog you know I had a whole lot to deal with my son’s IEP and his school, and now there’s some bullying issues, which turned a whole lot worse when I heard a few things that have been happening on the bus, and trying to make ends meet is a constant struggle. Like every other parent in the world, I’m crazy running around from one activity to another, trying to squeeze in homework, dinner, haircuts, projects, etc. There are only so many hours in a day, and as much as I hate to admit it I’m not Super Mom. Add to that the fact that I’m a mom with an autoimmune disease that doesn’t know how she’s going to feel from one day to the next and go ahead and try and plan a week.

It’s not easy. But we do it! We make the best of it. I know I’m not the only one. I’ve heard from many of you through this blog, and honestly, that keeps me going. It helps more than you know to hear that other people are doing this, too. Of course, I’m not thrilled to hear others are struggling, but you get the idea.

About a month ago, my doctor lowered my Celexa in an effort to see if that was causing some of the weight gain. I’m only on 10mg, and I believe the average dose is 40mg. I was only on 40mg for about 6 months, then I went back to 20mg. I’m not sure it had anything at all to do with my weight, but I do see myself snapping a lot more now that it’s lowered. I think I handled stress and anxiety better at the 20mg. It’s something I need to think about and call my doctor about this week as I need a refill. I think a lot will depend on the scale on Tuesday. Of course, I’m sure the snacking and three drinks blew the diet again last night, but I was very good again today.

I am hopeful that tomorrow and Monday I can get out for a walk. Today brought back those painful pins and needles in my feet. It’s been a little while since I have had them. I was sitting at my son’s baseball game, which they bombed by the way, and my daughter wanted to run to the car to get a water and I couldn’t even go with her. I don’t think I can ever get used to that feeling. It’s like sharp little needles jabbing into the bottom of my feet. Not fun!

The rest of the day was just status quo. No real excitement other than grocery shopping and spending some time with my girls. Tomorrow is my son’s first playoff game so if you could send a few positive vibes his way for a spectacular hit, that would be awesome. The team is having a two game slump, and they need to make a comeback. I’m worried about tomorrow. Then again, when don’t I worry!

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