Tomorrow Will Suck

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I’m trying to be positive about the breast biopsy I need to have tomorrow. I really am. For the most part I’ve stayed off the Internet, other than to diagnose myself with Stage 0 pre-cancer, which for me, is very positive. I’m usually jumping to death very quickly.

But at the moment it’s the procedure itself that’s scaring the crap out of me. It’s called a stereotactic biopsy where they can do a mammogram guided biopsy. It sounds dreadful. Picture a padded table where you  lay face down with your boob in a hole. Then the boob is squeezed and the table is lifted. Honestly it all sounds like something from 50 Shades of Grey.

Then someone else told me that while they do numb the area, when they take the tissue, it sounds like a loud gun and scares you. Awesome!

The office called this morning and the place I was going to now cannot do the procedure. The doctor that looked at my mammogram felt like I need this special machine because the suspicious area is so small. That’s a good thing. Small is good. They changed the appointment to a different nearby hospital that apparently have this new piece of equipment.

I need to get through tomorrow and then that’s step one. I spoke to a friend today who had her first biopsy come back normal and a second one come back stage 0. She had a lumpectomy and now they just watch her closely. They did want her to go on a drug called tamoxifen. That scares me because it affects your hormones.

Every drug I’ve ever tried that impacts hormones has been hell, including the pill. I’m not on a very low dose pill, but I have horrific migraines on my week off the pill with the hormone drop. Nothing about adding a new medicine into my already full group of RA meds sounds like fun.

The good news about the appointment change is that it is now at 8:30AM vs 1pm. I have no time to stress about it before we leave. I’m not a morning person so it’s basically wake up, shower, and go.

I’m taking for positive thoughts for tomorrow. Being afraid of the unknown sucks.

 

 

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Irrational Fear

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I don’t know whether it’s listening to all the news stories or terrorism, hate, and violence, but I’m becoming more and fearful of even normal things. I’m not sure it’s at the “I need a psychiatrist STAT” mode, but it’s enough that I check in with my kids a lot, I look around nervously when we’re in a crowd, and I lie in bed at need creating terrible scenarios in my head.

I guess I’m wondering how many people are dealing with similar issues. I don’t think I’m alone. These are scary times. I don’t want to get into a political debate but the current turmoil in our country is not helping.

If you take one look at Facebook you’ll scroll past people bashing President Trump followed by people saying horrendous things about “Libtards.” I’m wondering where we want wrong that the two sides are so far apart that we don’t even listen anymore.

I’m of the believe that 15% of the people on each side are extreme and the other 70% of us fall somewhere in the middle. While we may not agree or like Trump, we’re not pretending he isn’t president. Or while we may have strong beliefs about abortion, that doesn’t mean we can’t find common ground on other issues.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not seeing any of that at all. There’s not much in between, even at a local level. I have previously discussed the nightmare of politics in my small town. I won’t rehash it all as it’s been two years but when I attended a meeting this past week and realized things haven’t changed all that much.If thing scan’t change in a small town with so many people working for the betterment of schools and the community, how can we do it on a larger scale in the country?

But it’s not just politics that are causing my fear. I’ll be driving down the road and fear one of my cats got out and eaten by a bobcat. Or I get a strong feeling on our boat that it’s going to crash.

At the moment, I’m not stopping myself from doing things, but I’m also pretty okay staying home if I don’t need to go anywhere. I guess one could say these are irrational fears, but then I start to think, are they? There are people murdered every day. There is human trafficking, kidnapping, and so many other horrifying things going on and I’m here in my bubble.

I know enough psychology to know that my fears stem from losing people I love early in life and then again when I was a grown up. I’m afraid that something will happen to my kids and I won’t be there to protect them. How do you balance letting them grow up and holding on for dear life.

My kids are my everything. They are three very different little (not so little) human beings. My son is starting high school and I keep thinking I only have 4 more years with him at home. I’m NOT ready!

I’m not going to be a good empty-nester. I’ll be one of those women with 30 cats an a few dogs. I need to mother something! In the meantime, I need to find a way to push back the irrational (or even rational) fears standing in my way. I’m not afraid to say I’m scared. I just need to figure out some sort of plan of action (other than Xanax) when I’m a mess.

I’ll work on that. If you have better ideas, I’m happy to hear them!

Blogging Is Hard

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I’ve written about 10 blogs since my last post. Most were about how hellish it was waiting for my genetic testing results. I decided they were all too boring and never posted them because I was whining. They told me the tests would take 3–5 weeks and I tried to be optimistic, which is not my strong point. I told myself I’d get the call in 3 weeks…then 4…then 5. Then I called to see if there was a problem, but nope. They just weren’t back yet.

Seven weeks later I got the call while I was teaching a class but I saw it was the hospital and answered it anyway. Happily I can report that my genetic testing is fine. I did not have the BRCA gene mutations or any of the other mutations they tested for. This was a HUGE relief.

I attributed my horrific anxiety to the waiting. Though I can’t say it was on my mind all the time, I figure subconsciously it was adding stress. I was waking up with panic attacks and that panic feeling would last all day unless I took a Xanax. I tried everything. Running (well as much as a girl with rheumatoid arthritis can run) did help.

I have one of those Couch to 5K apps and though I’m at a point where the running intervals are too long for me, I still keep going , or at least I was until the last two weeks. We’ve had temperatures over 90 every day and running doesn’t even remotely sound like fun. Instead, I spend 30 minutes swimming laps (again…RA girl, not a strong swimmer, sometimes with a damn pool noodle but kicking my legs the whole time and moving my arms). It’s enough to get my heart rate up and I’m doing something.

Even with that and the relief of my genetic testing news, I’m still struggling with my anxiety. I’ll hear the smallest thing and that will be it. Or sometimes it’s nothing specific and it will just come on out of nowhere.

I’ve been into my essential oils. I don’t want any of my doTerra friends to jump on me here because I love my doTerra oils, but I’m a broke girl…I found a few blends online that I have been diffusing that I think have really helped with my anxiety and they are like $4. I do think there is a correlation between scent and the mind. It doesn’t take the anxiety away, but it helps me.

My vent of the evening is probably one most people have at the moment. Have you had enough of people arguing politics on Facebook, Twitter, etc.? I try to stay out of it. Our country is in a scary place right now and I try and listen with an open mind when people talk. I can’t stand people who are so far in either direction that they can’t have a conversation and listen to someone else’s views. If that’s you, you are part of the problem. We need to get back to being able to listen and disagree without all hell breaking loose.

The Internet changed that for us. Memes changed that for us. We never had Bush/Clinton?Perot memes, but boy some of those would have been funny.

I have one Facebook friend who endlessly posts anti-Muslim things. I try to understand where it’s coming from and it’s a place of fear. She’s afraid for herself, her family, her country. I understand the fear. I don’t understand blaming an entire religion when we have many Muslim Americans fighting in our military against ISIS.

I don’t know that I’ve ever been political on this blog. I’ll probably get a slew of mean comments, and I guess that’s okay. People have their strong beliefs on what needs to be done. I’m one of those people that is somewhere in the middle. I think we have two crappy choices and need to decide who will be the lesser of the evils.

Maybe they are both great people. I am just not sure I think someone who gets into a 7 or tweet Twitter war with a celebrity in charge of when we declare war. On the flip side, there are huge trust issues with Hillary and I’m not sure she brings the kind of strong arm protection we need as a country right now.

What I’m trying to say is I have no freakin idea and I’m going to watch each and every debate. But anyone who thinks they are changing someone’s opinion with a meme on Facebook, I’m sorry. You are making yourself feel better about your decisions. That’s all.

So RA? How’s that? Well me sed rate is down. My C reactive protein is down so all that is good. Overall I feel well. It’s the summer. I do better in the warmth. I can swim, which helps. I have had a few days of stiffness and pain where I’ve needed some pain medication, but very little more than muscle relaxers and Alleve. I’m counting my blessings and taking the reprieve from the intense pain for as long as I can.

I hope my autoimmune friends are all doing well too!

 

Anxiety Sucks

My past few weeks have been filled with a lot of panic attacks and anxiety. Actually I’m not sure they are panic attacks, but they are what I’d consider panic attacks. I get this feeling  of anxiety, a little tightness in my chest, I feel like my heart rate is fast, but it isn’t, and I just find myself unable to calm down even with deep breathing.

Kind of sounds like a heart attack when I write it out that way, but at the moment I need to stay off WebMD. I know it’s anxiety. I have had a lot on my plate. I worry a lot in general. I stick my foot in my mouth quite often and deal with the repercussions, which require a significant amount of my time stressing about how to deal with things.

I worry about my kids. Am I doing enough? Am i doing too much? What am I doing wrong? My son has been downright nasty lately. Maybe you can say it’s that he’s almost 13 and that’s typical, but dear lord. He walks in the house and immediately starts being nasty to my youngest daughter. He goes out of his way to be mean.

He argues with me constantly because clearly it’s my fault that he’s in special education for a reading disability and he wants me to tell the school he doesn’t need to go anymore. And he just won’t let things go. EVER! He will talk about something until you want to give in…that’s the plan, I think. But I don’t fall for it.

He recently went off his ADHD medicine and I’m beginning to think this was a bad decision. I feel like it’s adding to his behavior issues. I don’t want to be constantly arguing with him or telling him to calm down. He’s an amazing kid. One on one, he’s so awesome, but he’s so freakin selfish. I just don’t get it.

If his sister’s get to do anything, he gets angry and needs to do something better. He does a LOT! We may not be rich, but we do a lot for our kids to be able to do the sports they want and activities, etc. Out trip to Disney almost sent me over the edge. Any time his sisters wanted to go on a ride he didn’t want to go. If he wanted to go on something then the group could be happy and have fun, but if he was miserable, we all were miserable.

I need to talk to someone about it, or bring him back to therapy because I am at my wit’s end. It’s adding to my stress, but certainly not all of it.

I feel like in my 40s I shouldn’t be worrying about childish games that girls play, but some people never grow up. The gossip and nastiness never ends. It’s not one thing in particular, but rather a general feeling of no longer being included. There is a part of me that’s really okay because even I know I don’t fit in. I’m far from the cool kid, HAHA. But I guess it’s that I don’t know what I did that’s bugging me.

What I’ve decided is to handle it differently than usual. I need to look at people for who they are. I have a lot of really terrific people in my life. I may not be that person who goes out every weekend and posts pics all over FB drinking with my friends, but I have friends that make me laugh, smile, and that I know have my back as I have theirs.

So back to the anxiety…I think that with everything going on it’s this breaking point and at random points through the day my body just says, “ok I’m done, you need to stop now.” I don’t like medicine, but I have been taking a half of a Xanax when I need it. It helps takes that edge off and then I use my breathing and some essential oils. I won’t push those on anyone, but I’m starting to use them and I think for certain things they do help me.

I’m not crazy trying to cure everything with them, but headaches, relaxation, stress, sore muscles, etc., they work pretty well.

My only good news (other than my friend from my last blog is doing magnificent and is already home from the hospital) is that I think the change in medication has finally allowed me to start losing weight. I was gaining anywhere between 1-3 pounds per week for over a year. Nothing I did would stop it. I exercised like a maniac. Tried every diet plan…everything. I was eating under 1000 calories a day and wouldn’t lose a pound.

A few months after a medication switch I’m finally seeing the weight come off. I am down 20lbs since November, but 10lbs since February. This is huge for me. I couldn’t get the scale to move forever.

I’m also feeling well enough to lightly walk and jog on the treadmill. I’m slow as hell. I’m lucky is I can jog for 3 minutes, but I keep going and I feel pretty good. I was so diligent before we left for Disney and I need to get back to it. My FitBit was keeping me accountable. I’ll get back on track tomorrow, though I’m sure I’ll be going backward in stamina.

Anyway, this blog was all over the place. That’s how scattered I’ve been. Maybe I have ADHD. I’m old and crotchety and I think in my old age I am less tolerant of people who are fake. I don’t have time. I am working hard to surround myself with happy people. It’s not easy letting go of friends that have been around for a while, but let me tell you, Facebook has this new acquaintance feature. It’s fabulous!

You can list your friends as acquaintances and choose not to share things with acquaintances. I decided I didn’t need the people that I don’t really see or talk with to have access to my posts, pictures, etc. I’m not deleting them. They can see my comments, etc. just not every post. I LOVE that! It’s helping me not be an unfriending bitch while still keeping things private from those with whom I question their trust.

I’ll try not to be so scattered next time!!

 

 

Crying for No Reason

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Did you ever want to cry for no reason? I mean nothing is really wrong. My kids are fine…I’m counting down the days until they go back to school, but that’s only because they are bickering all the time. They are healthy and happy. Work is going really well. I know I’m overwhelmed that my house is a mess and that I have a lot to do before school starts, but I don’t cry when I’m overwhelmed, nor do I want to.

So this is my dilemma tonight. I got home from my son’s football practice and I feel sad. For once I’m not stressing about how my son is doing at a sport. He actually seems to be doing quite well. Don’t get me wrong, he’s no star player, but last year he had a fear in him of being tackled or tackling someone. Since he did wrestling last winter (against every fiber of my being) he lost that fear of falling and being knocked down. I actually think that will really help him in football, and most of all he seems happy. That’s half the battle because he’s very dramatic, not on the field, but when he gets home.

There’s a mom there that I don’t particularly like. I have been nicely avoiding her and that’s been working okay for both of us. I don’t say this about many people, but she’s a nut job. We used to play Bunco in a group once a month and when it was my turn to host she showed up crying, brought her daughter’s IEP–for those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s an Individualized Education program for special education, not something people usually bring to Bunco. Most people bring wine or a dessert. Anyway, her conversation went from cry about her daughter, which I listened to for an hour, to discussing douching, to discussing her husband’s anatomy and what she was going to do to him when she got home. Now I’m not sure about your get-togethers in your neighborhood, but the rest of us stood there stunned.

No one knew what to say so the subject was quickly changed and she just didn’t get the hint making sexual innuendos for the rest of the evening. So that was strike one for crazy lady. Strike two was that her child, a daughter with special needs and my son did not hit it off. We tried to deal with it nicely and keep them away from each other in the classroom, but her daughter told the class that she and my son were dating. I’ve mentioned several times that my son has a tough time fitting in to begin with. Add to that that now he’s”dating” a girl in fourth grade that he doesn’t even like and he’ starts really getting made fun of. So he unkindly, told her to shut up and get away from him. ould he have handled it better? Yep! Should he have handled it kinder? Yep! Did he get in trouble? Yep!

BUT..the mom went on to tell everyone who would listen that her daughter was now afraid of my son because he HIT her. Funny because there were three teachers in the room and 20 students, all of whom were interviewed and NONE of them saw him hit her. My son says dumb things to fit in. I’ll be the first to tell you that, but he’s not a violent kid. He’s never hit anyone at school…aside from picking on his sisters. The principal told me that because the mom made the complaint she had to call me, but that all evidence showed that nothing happened and that the girl kept changing her story. She said my son looked genuinely upset when he was asked if he hit her and said he’d never hit her. He copped right away to saying he told her to shut up and get away from him, but that’s it. I don’t have rose colored glasses. My son did not like this girl and I really tried to get him to calm down about it. She has autism and didn’t understand his personal space and for a child like my son who has his own battles with social issues, it was a bad fit.

Anyway, I haven’t seen her since, but other moms have told me she hasn’t let it go. It’s been two years…can I get a Let It Go? So that irked me, not enough to make me cry, though.

It’s silly to think something like Robin Williams’ death would leave such a cloud over me, but I really think it has. He was such a part of my growing up. It’s a huge memory of mine watching Mork & Mindy with my Mom and Step Father and brother. All of us together as a family. We brought him into our homes and he made us laugh every week. I love the things I’ve learned about him behind the scenes that he took the time to get to know the interns and crews on the sets, etc. He seemed like a good man inside and out. Reading what his daughter said just endeared me to him more. I’m sad that he might have done this because of Parkinson’s and all the gossip that goes along with it. I’m sick of hearing that he’s a coward. I don’t believing in judging what you don’t know.

I think that is the thought that should carry over into daily life. Don’t judge what you don’t know. One of the best actors in my daughter’s play was playing a very eccentric role on the man behind the door at Oz. He was fantastic and hilarious. But as soon as my mother-in-law and sister-in-law saw him they didn’t smile once and enjoy his role. Why? Because they thought he was gay? Was he eccentric on stage? Yes. Was he backstage? Not at all. He was one of the nicest cast members I met. Guess what though, it didn’t and wouldn’t matter to me if he was gay or not. That kid had talent. Isn’t that what a show is about.

I’m all over the place tonight…still not able to cry. I kind of want to. I miss my mom and it’s not a good time for that. I feel like I need to plan that around anniversaries of her death and her birthday, but I miss her today. I was watching my daughter’s voice lesson and thinking, she’d be thrilled. Who knows. Maybe I’ll schedule some time to cry tomorrow and it will come out. So far nothing has happened but I’m feeling blue.

 

RIP Robin Williams

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I was so sad to hear of Robin Williams’ passing today, but even more sad to learn that it was suicide. I knew he had struggled with drugs and depression, but it’s hard to understand how someone can seem to have everything and still feel alone and depressed. It reminded me very much of autoimmune diseases in that depression is its own invisible illness, and its one that so many people just don’t understand. While I have periods of feeling depressed, I struggle more with anxiety than depression, and I certainly have never felt so low as to contemplate suicide.

A person has to be in tremendous pain to feel that suicide is the best or only option. There are people online saying how selfish it is, and I get that. Yes, it is a selfish choice that leaves others behind with questions and unspeakable grief, but think of what kind of pain the person had to be in to want to take their life away. Obviously it’s more than just being upset or going through a lot. It’s clinical depression and it’s way beyond the scope of what most people can comprehend. My heart goes out to his family and I’m just finding myself feeling so sad for him tonight. He brought so much laughter and light into people’s lives and most of them never knew how badly he was suffering.

I remember when I was a kid we’d all watch Mork and Mindy as a family. He was fantastic. He just got better and better, but you can go back and watch one of those re-runs today you can see that raw talent–his ability to take a scene and run with it. He was an amazing talent and I’m finding myself feeling very sad about his passing tonight.

As for my, physically I’m not in my best shape. Little by little over the last few days my lower back and hips have started to tighten up. I have been waking up very stiff and ending the day the same way. I could hardly keep my eyes open this afternoon and ended up needing to lay down for a nap. I think my late nights at The Wizard of Oz are catching up with me. I’ve also still been fighting this sore throat on and off. It’s not bad enough to call the doctor. It kind of comes and goes, but it’s just enough to annoy me now and then…and yes, I’m still coughing.

I do have an appointment with the rheumatologist either Friday or Monday. Isn’t that pathetic. That’s how crazy life has been. I seriously need to call the office tomorrow and confirm which day my appointment is on and what time. I need to start using my phone for these things. I swear Siri hates my guts. I even asked her one day and she told me I was being irrational. I can’t stand her or that darn phone. Whenever I need something she says she’s sorry she can’t help me at the moment or she gives me some crap from Wikipedia that has nothing to do with what I needed. So much for being a smart phone!

Tomorrow I intend to teach my class and then get some work done around the house. After that I’m resting. I know my kids won’t be thrilled but they need to catch up on summer reading anyway. My son is way behind. My youngest daughter has been a bit of a pill lately, and I’m not sure what to do about it. Whenever I tell her no, she pouts and throw a fit and I’m not the type of mom that puts up with that crap. She’s been getting in a lot of trouble but nothing seems to be sinking in.

I have to figure out a new way to get through to her. I will figure that out tomorrow. I’ll put that on my To-Do list right after my nap!

Yep, Still Coughing

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At some point soon, I’ll call the doctor and let her know that I can’t stop coughing, but in order to do that I need some free time. I fell asleep writing last night’s blog so I scrapped it and started a new one for today. Today was my second real day in the “office.” I was working out of the pediatrician’s office today…remember last week when I had all that time to write an extra long blog because there was nothing to do? Well, it wasn’t like that at all today!

It was really busy, and I have to be honest and say that I loved it. I loved working with the doctors and learning the background on patients prior to speaking with them. I loved learning how to look up prior evaluations and read reports so I could familiarize myself with the child’s history prior to calling the parent. That makes my life so much easier. I can actually prepare a bit before making the call rather than going in blind and having to call someone back after gathering information.

Dare I say it? I liked working in an office. I’m kind of laughing because for the majority of the day I was alone in a room. The occasional doctor or office person stopped by, and I did get to meet with one family in person, but other than that it was just me. Kind of like being at home without the pajamas. I think it’s going to be a good thing for me, and it’s definitely going to be a great thing for the nonprofit organization that I work for because we will get to see so many more clients this way.

I titled yesterday’s unpublished blog, Laughter Makes Everything Better, and although I didn’t laugh as much today as I did yesterday, the same holds true. Yesterday I had two friends and their kids over to swim. I know a lot of people in my town, so this makes people think I’m not anti-social. I never said I wasn’t friendly. I suppose I’m friendly, I just have a difficult time getting to know people. The two girls that came over yesterday are two people that I met a few years ago and I instantly clicked with because they are both “what you see is what you get” kind of people. They aren’t pretentious. They are just plain nice and seriously funny. We were joking about our school Facebook pages. The are these parent-run group pages and at times you would think these people have nothing better to do than spend the day asking and answering questions on Facebook. In July, people are worried about the lunch menu for the first day of school. They are concerned about whether or not their child is capable of buying lunch in 5th grade.

So, in true silliness, two of us acted out the posts for the one that hadn’t yet read them. I was laughing so hard I was in tears because I was channeling some town members who clearly had their undies in a bunch of the subject. It reminded me that we all need to spend a little more time laughing and a lot less time getting stressed out over stupid things. We all do it. I do it! I might not be griping over school lunches in July, but we all have dumb things that we stress about that affect us in many ways. I need to stop, take a deep breath, and let it go.

I’m finding myself saying that phrase (and singing it thanks to Frozen) more often these days. I’m trying to get my son to relax, and I think the best way to do that is to show him that I can relax, too. I’m working on it…it will happen at some point. My son had a day off his meds (thanks to his dad) and it took me about 5 minutes after I got home from work to notice. His therapist today said that she thinks some of the behaviors, outside of today’s obvious ADD behavior, were–gasp—hormones. She told me that him being an ass to his sisters was normal. Dear god! Please tell me that’s not normal. I may not survive this puberty stuff, though I’m not quite sure he’s there yet.

I’m happy to announce that his travel baseball is done (hurray for me) and tonight started football camp. Next week football begins 4 nights per week. Oh, did I mention that I have Wizard of Oz Thursday through Sunday this weekend and next? I’m trying not to think about the exhaustion. I’m going to take one day at a time, and rest during the day.

While my arthritis has been better, I’m going through that part of fibromyalgia where my sin is so sensitive to the touch. It’s also itchy all the time, though I’m not sure if that’s fibro or just me. I read online that someone was using a weighted blanket and they found a lot of relief with RA and fibro symptoms. I’m dying to hear if anyone else has tried this. Part of me thinks it’s an interesting theory, though the other part wonders if even the slightest thing bothers me in terms of touch because it’s like I’m hyper-sensitive, then maybe the weighted-blanket might be too much. I don’t know, but I’d still like to try it. I might try and make one–you know, in all my spare time between when Wizard of Oz ends and Nutcracker begins and my free days from football–oh wait, I will have to figure out how to make one on the field or in the auditorium. That’s my only hope! The life of a mom, but I wouldn’t trade it.

Tonight’s rant out of nowhere will be on Sister Wives. I believe I’ve had this rant before, but I can’t help it. I need to discuss Kody’s hair again. First you have Meri wanting him to straighten his hair to look like Keith Urban. OMG, people, that was hideous. Then another wife…I don’t even know which one, wanted a pony tail. Then they had the tell-all and all the women discussed the hairstyles and which they liked best. This was their moment! This was their time to say, “Kody, trim the freakin hair. You look terrible.” But, no! None of them did that. They all said, “Oh I like his hair best just like this, all fluffy.” WHAT? I might be able to get past the fact that you are sharing your husband with other women, solely on the fact that if I had someone help cooking, cleaning, and babysitting, I might not think it was such a bad idea either. Heck, if it got my husband out of the house a few nights and I had the bed all to myself, even better. But, the hair? Oh no! I don’t think I could put up with the fluffiness.

It’s a Two Xanax Kind of Night

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I’m having a panic attack. It could be a multitude of things that set it off, but it’s been bad for the last hour so I just took Xanax number two (totaling 1mg) and hopefully I’ll relax sometime soon. For the most part today was uneventful. I was able to thoroughly clean my kitchen, even getting down on my hands and knees to clean the floor (it was pretty gross down there).

My son had a baseball game tonight, and if you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know how I dread those. I try and support anything and everything my kids do, but lately baseball has been nothing but a downer and causing stress for my son (and for me). He hasn’t had one hit in this travel league. I will add in there that for the most part he gets walked. The pitchers have trouble adjusting pitches to his size in our batting order.  We have our tallest player hitting right before him, and my son is the smallest kid on the team. I’m not saying he hasn’t struck out, too–oh he has–but, more often than not, he gets on base with a walk.

As a mom, I’m happy he’s not out. As a kid, the poor guy just wants to hit the damn ball. He had some really great hits during our Park & Rec season and his confidence was up, but he hasn’t had a hit in this travel season and he’s beating himself up. So I see him walking up to bat. There are two outs, and of course, as any good mother does, I cringe and begin praying.

The pitch is right to him and I’m see him swing. Much to my surprise (and everyone else’s) he hits the ball and starts running. Now I’m praying that he makes it to first base. In the meantime two other kids score runs as my son runs in what seems like slow motion toward first base. He gets there just as the first baseman gets the ball, but luckily the kid dropped it. As I’m thanking God for the kid’s error, I see my son’s coach start yelling at him for not running straight through the base. He hesitated when he saw the kid had the ball. The kid hasn’t had one hit all season. You can’t let him have one freakin moment?

I sat there pissed off, but they played long enough in that inning for my son to score, so I was happy and he looked happy. They were winning 13-3 when he was up again, and as luck would have it, lightning struck and they had to end the game. When we got home (we had taken separate cars) I congratulated him on the hit and he said, “It wasn’t…” oh crap I don’t remember what kind of hit he said it wasn’t. I’m not a baseball person. In other words, it wasn’t a good enough hit. It wasn’t a hard enough hit. He waited for this moment, and it wasn’t good enough. I hate his coach tonight.

Then I felt stressed because my cousin sent me a Facebook message asking why I didn’t bring the kids over to see her puppy as we had talked about prior to our fight when she said I betrayed her at cut me out of her life. I thought about my response for a good 40 minutes and I think that’s what caused the panic. I hate drama. I wrote back that she should re-read her instant messages from the other night that decide whether or not she’d feel welcome. Then I mentioned that I did not have time to discuss it further. She wrote back that she was sorry.

DRAMA!!! Anyway, we’ve been having these storms every single night and I really believe they are messing with my RA and fibro. Tonight I am fighting a migraine, and I am still dealing with the intense pain in my hip and low back. I also have a lot of tightness through my neck. I took some Alleve, but it didn’t seem to do much of anything. When I’m finished with tonight’s blog, I’m going to get my ice packs and turn off all the lights to hopefully get some sleep.

I’m not sure why but my insomnia has been really bad this week. I haven’t fallen asleep before 2:00AM in the past 4 nights. Last night I was up playing online Yahtzee (Dice with Friends) with random people at 3:00AM. You know you’re really bored when you’re trying to get people to play Yahtzee with you in the middle of the night.

And my random outburst of the night: What is up with so many people leaving their babies in cars? Yesterday another child died in a hot car and this time it was only two towns over from me. The father worked all day and didn’t realize he forgot to drop his son off at daycare. Now, let me first say that people who live in glass houses should never throw stones. When that first case came out a few weeks ago, I was so upset and I tried to put myself in that father’s shoes. Maybe he didn’t usually drop the child at daycare? Maybe the child was sound asleep and not making noise? Maybe the father was so stressed with things he was frazzled and now would spend the rest of his life paying for this horrific mistake?

Then the reports came out that the dad was researching how long it would take for a dog to die in a hot car, and how long it would take for a child to die in a hot car. Then there were reports that he was sexting while the poor baby was in the hot car. The very man that I was doing my best to try and show a shred of compassion for, even in all his stupidity, was a horrid man. So now I’m jaded. I’m asking how this father in Ridgefield, CT worked a full work day and didn’t once think of his son. Not once did his mind wander to what his son might be doing at daycare that day.

How? How does a parent not think of their child all day? How does that happen? Why does someone need to leave a shoe in the back seat of their car to remind them that their child is there? I talked to my kids in the car. I’m a stressed, frazzled, forgetful mom. I forget appointments, paperwork, dinner. I never forget my kids. All I’m saying is I don’t understand. I now find myself looking in every car in every parking lot. Why is this happening so often? I don’t get it.

It’s a New Day

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Yesterday was a difficult day. I spent a lot of time today thinking about and praying for the families of the two people in my life that passed away. I didn’t have a lot of time to over-think about it. I had a really busy day of meetings and running around with my kids.

I’m fighting a migraine at the moment, and I’m also trying to quell a full on panic attack about tomorrow. Tomorrow I will be going into work at a pediatrician’s office for the first time. This is going to ultimately be a once per week thing, but tomorrow is the big “meet & greet” event with me and all the doctors. Did I mention I am not a people person? I have terrible social anxiety? I’m not even sure I like people.

I went to the store to buy myself an outfit to wear and was at least pleased that I have dropped two sizes (still not thrilled with my weight, but at least it’s not going up). As I found something that I felt was appropriate to wear tomorrow, and possibly even cute, I started to completely panic over the small talk. OMG, small talk!

I may have to talk myself into walking through the door tomorrow. I know this is such a huge opportunity for the nonprofit organization that I work for, so I want to do a great job…I just think sometimes when I’m nervous I talk too much, or I stand in a corner and don’t talk. There is no happy medium.

I’ll work on that as I’m talking myself off a ledge on the drive into the office. I don’t even like the sound of that.

On another note, my daughter has a girl over for a sleepover tonight. She’s a nice kid, but she doesn’t mesh with my younger daughter. I think she probably isn’t my favorite of my older daughter’s friends, if I’m being truthful. She has a really nice group of friends. I feel very blessed that she has a great group of girls in her corner because she is such a shy kid. One of her best friends is moving a few towns away this summer and she isn’t taking that too well.

The girls that’s over tonight is sweet, but dramatic. She tells on my younger daughter for everything, and my younger daughter has cried about six times tonight. This is just not the norm when my older daughter has friends over. I mean, I get it, they probably don’t want the little sister there the whole time, but her other friends aren’t mean to my younger daughter at all. In fact, they go out of their way to include her. Let’s just chalk this up to not my favorite sleepover.

Don’t get me wrong, she’s a good kid. It’s just tough being a referee all night. My little one finally went to bed in her room a little while ago. All of this did not help my headache. It’s not quite migraine status, but it’s at the point where I’m considering taking something before it gets much worse. I’m off to get my ice packs and lay down.

Wish me luck tomorrow. I have a feeling I’m going to need it. Let’s hope I don’t blurt out something stupid, or trip and fall on my ass.

Must Get Some Sleep

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I’d like to wish all the Dads out there a Happy Father’s Day! I hope it was a good one. Mine was a bit crazy. My daughter had a recital practice with her voice coach this morning and I thought it wasn’t going to go well when she walked into a room full of teenagers (she’s 9). She ended up shocking me, and just saying, ” See you in two hours, Mom!” I picked my jaw up off the floor and went home to do some laundry.

I think over the past week–oh who am I kidding, probably for as long as I can remember–my house has been a freakin mess. I have too much crap. My kids have too many clothes, toys, crap, etc. All I wanted to do today was spend the day cleaning. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? It wasn’t! But it needed to get done. I really only tackled my bedroom and my girls’ room, along with 5 loads of laundry.

The kids went out on the boat with their Dad and I opted to stay home, marinate some steaks, and clean while nobody was bugging me to cook something, play something, answer something, or do something. I’m gearing up for the kids to be home for summer in a few days. I need to throw out some of their stuff before they are home for summer vacation. If they don’t see me getting rid of it, they likely won’t notice it’s gone.

The girls’ rooms looks so nice. I hung new curtains that have zebra stripes and organized all their crap. Now that it’s all organized I can easily go through their dressers tomorrow and start tossing stuff for Good Will. Then, I’m consider starting my son’s room if I have enough energy. My energy level gave out around 6pm this evening and my body decided that I was done for the day.

I felt pretty well overall, but my right hip just has that nagging pain that won’t go away. It’s more of an annoyance. Every now and then it gets worst and I’m limping a little, but again–not as bad as in the winter. I keep reminding myself what it was like when it was -2 here in Connecticut. It sucked. I’m just waiting for some nice warm weather. It’s not normal for me to have on fuzzy socks and a sweatshirt in June–yep, that was me at Big Y!

So, tomorrow I have a very big day and I’m a tad bit stressed. I even took a Xanax because I knew sleep was not in my future without it. I’ve been taking some special education law courses in the hopes of becoming more of an advocate for families looking to get special education services for their children. As I mentioned, I work for a terrific nonprofit organization that does wonderful work helping families of children with special needs, but so many of my cases involve schools that are denying services for kids who desperately need them, especially very young kids. Early intervention is key to a child’s success.  Anyway, tomorrow I’ going to my first PPT (Planning and Placement Team meeting) as an advocate.

I’m not sure if I’m ready. It’s for someone that I know personally and she asked me because she knows I care and want to help. It should be cut and dry, but I just want it to go as well as possible, because I do care. There is a part of me that might not be cut out for this because I will take it personally when there are young children who need help involved. Ha! I’m talking myself out of it before I even finish the first course or go to my first PPT, that isn’t for my own child.

Needless to say, I need a good night’s sleep. I don’t know what I’m going to wear. ACK! I can’t stress over that type of crap.

In other news, I have finally come to terms with the NY Rangers loss in the Stanley Cup finals. To celebrate how well they did this year, I dressed up Brutus in a Rangers jersey. I also bought him an outfit for 4th of July. My kids decided that I’m insane, but look, chances are they are all going to end up in therapy anyway. Everyone always blames the mother! At least I’m giving them plenty to talk about. “Well there was this time my mom came home with a 4-foot metal flamingo and named him Brutus. He then became part of the family….”

Wish me luck tomorrow, both at the PPT and for not throwing up from anxiety at the PPT.

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