Back Pain, Stiffness and Being a New Mom

No I didn’t go and have another baby. Those days are long gone. My youngest child is 8 and that shop is closed. I am a new mom to my puppy, Dunkin, though. He is a love. Yes, I am exhausted and it’s not helping my autoimmune issues to get up in the middle of the night to walk him. It’s been a week since I’ve slept through the night, but I don’t care. He makes me so happy and that’s what it all was about.

Monday was my birthday and if you’ve been reading my blog you know it was a tough milestone for me. I reached the age that my mother was when she died…43. I’ve dreaded turning 43 since I was a teenager, but as tough as that milestone was, I realize I have way too much happiness right in front of me to stop living out of fear.

Getting a German Shepherd was on my bucket list since I was a kid. My other dog loves him and my cats are slowly coming around to the idea of a new intruder in their home. I spent my birthday alone with the animals during the day. It was a lazy day, but not a bad one. Once the kids got home it was a regular Monday complete with ballet and baseball lessons. No time to celebrate or be upset.

We did go to dinner on Tuesday, and that was fine. I just let the day pass without too much fuss. I don’t feel different than I did last week. I mean, how often do you really think about your exact age? Not too often.

For the past two days the weather has been nice. We took Dunkin on his first real walk last night and he did awesome. Today we did our long walk, which I haven’t done in a while. That last hill did me in and my lower back is pretty sore right now. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow so I’ll take the day off, but my plan is to get out and walk the dogs at least 5 or 6 days per week. If it’s not raining or snowing, I at least want to do a quick walk. Not only will it help me, but it might tire out the boundless energy of a puppy!

I’m feeling really crappy about my appearance. I just can’t lose weight. I need to stop all sugar. I serious think I’m addicted. I feel like I set all these goals for myself and nothing happens. I need to do better. I don’t want to be this heavy for summer. I also have to get dressed up for my youngest daughter’s First Communion that is a month away. Hoping to be able to lose 10lbs at least with the increased exercise and less sugar. I really still thing something is wrong, but I don’t know what other avenue to pursue.

Overall, I haven’t had as much pain and the migraines from last week have subsided. I do have a lot of stiffness in the morning and at night. My hands just feel tired. I try to open jars and things and there is no strength behind it. I can’t even close them tightly enough to grip the cap on a jar most of the time.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this chronic illness stuff is really a pain in the ass. It more than sucks to get up in pain almost every day. It sucks to be in pain after a walk. I don’t know whether to push through or rest at times. It’s really hitting me tonight because I’ve had such a nice time with my kids on our walks the last two nights. My daughter wants to go every day, and I do, too. I don’t want to let them down by not being able to do it.

I don’t want to be that mom that can’t go for a walk because she’s so exhausted she can’t get up off the couch; or the mom that’s in too much pain to move. I can’t help that this is now who I am. It’s frustrating and difficult on me. People don’t get what it means when someone with fibro or rheumatoid arthritis¬† or other autoimmune disease say they are tired. It’s not “tired.” It’s more like if I don’t lay down now I’m going to fall over. I can’t keep my eyes open. I need a nap to get me through the hours of 4pm to 8pm when it’s the mad dash to activities, homework, dinner, showers, etc.

I need to keep it together, but some days I feel like I have no idea where I’m going, what I’m doing, etc. My focus for the rest of the weekend will be on hosting Easter. I need to clean tomorrow and Saturday and then do some cooking on Saturday as well. I am busy on Pinterest trying to find side dishes at the moment. I keep telling myself it will all work out…somehow.

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Storm Juno: A Bust!

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Though the winds were howling most of the night, we only got about 7 inches of snow, compared to the 30 they were predicting. I know other areas of CT and MA got hit a lot harder, but luckily we were spared. As I mentioned, as long as we didn’t lose power, I didn’t care how much snow came down.

The kids have a 2 hour delay tomorrow, and I’m glad they opted to decide that tonight rather than wait until the morning. Because there is still a layer of snow and ice on the roads and it’s supposed to be like zero again tonight, it was a good call. The kids get to sleep in a little, so they are pleased.

It wasn’t a great day for my diet again, so tomorrow I’m going to buckle down and re-start. I’m beginning to think I have an addiction to sugar. I was feeling good with out it, and today I had a cookie and a brownie and it became difficult not to go back for more.

I did stick to my small meals and shakes, though. Dinner was chicken sauteed with onions, mushrooms, spinach, and kale in a wine sauce. My portion was decent so it’s a start. I’m making the decision not to get down on myself about it. I workout out tonight and did a lot of arms and abs because my class was snowed out this morning.

Tomorrow I plan to get back on my strict routine, and I’m prepare for the first two days to be tough again with my sugar cravings. I’m ready.

Today was also a little more difficult with my fibromyalgia and/or rheumatoid arthritis. My hands were very stiff, as were my hips and back. I was able to take a nap with everyone home, which is shocking, but the kids were fantastic all day. I know I’m lucky. My older daughter really wanted to bake, so that’s why there were brownies in the first place.

She’s been into cooking lately, I just wish she’d eat more. This sounds hilarious but today she tried a sandwich for the first time. For whatever reason, the kid never ate bread until recently. I have to pack turkey or ham with no bread for her lunch, so this is a huge breakthrough.

I’m ready for bed early tonight, and I can only blame the exhaustion on the fibro. I didn’t do enough today to be tired, but for some reason I really am. I think as a mom, you just get used to ignoring when you feel tired. I don’t know a mom out there that isn’t exhausted, but it is a different type of exhaustion with an autoimmune disease. I can feel my body saying rest now or pay for it later.

I push sometimes when there is something I really want to do, but in this case, I’m just and relaxing. There will be time to finish up things tomorrow (while I’m dealing with being hungry).

I hope you all survived Storm Juno unscathed. I could use some positive vibes for getting back on track with my Ideal Shape tomorrow. I need to do this.

A Day of Ups and Downs

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If you read my post from last night, you know I was up late waiting for my eBay auction to end. I’m happy to say that I’m the proud owner of a sushi chef nutcracker (pictured above). So, my day started out on a high note.

My kids religion class was canceled this morning because the roads were very icy here in CT. People were posting on Facebook all day about accidents in town and nearby, so my plan was to stay in our jammies and watch television. My kids got a huge kick out of the Game Show Network. It was actually a really fun few hours until it got awkward when the questions on Family Feud included things like, “Name something that would be surprising for your husband to bring to bed on your honeymoon?”

Yep! When I yelled out “book” the kids all wanted to know why. I opted not to seize the moment and discuss what a man and a woman usually do in bed on their honeymoon.

My girls really wanted to go see Into the Woods this evening. I’ve been going back and forth about it because some people have said it’s too scary (they are almost 8 and almost 10). Others have said that the graphic stuff isn’t shown, so it would be fine. I don’t think they’ll pick up on the sexual things from the wolf (another reason not to prolong our Family Feud conversation), but I don’t want to pay all that money and have to leave because my youngest daughter is too scared.

When I finally got the urge to shower today, I went downstairs to grab something and water was pouring into my finished basement from two different spots. Last night we thought a bit of water was coming in from a pipe, but today it was clear that Mother Nature was to blame.

As I freaked out running back and forth to the two spots with the shop vac, I realized I wasn’t going to be able to keep that up for very long. My husband finally got home and began to build a trench leading the water from the crazy ice and rain away from the house.

Within about 30 minutes, the water slowed way down and it’s all but stopped now. It wasn’t what I planned on doing today, and it pretty much sucked. Despite sucking for the obvious reasons, add to that being on my hands and knees with the shop vac and that sent my joints into complete hell and subsequently canceled our movie plans. Actually, we also heard the roads still weren’t great, so that helped make my mind up to take the kids tomorrow. Praying that’s the right decision.

I’ve been researching weight loss plans to deal with the weight issues that having been, well, weighing me down for a while now. I need something that takes a lot of the guesswork out. I tried Take Shape for Life last year and I actually liked some of the food, but I didn’t do so well. I don’t know what to attribute my failure to. I think after the really tough first week and only losing three pounds, I was frustrated. People in the online support group were reporting 7-10lbs gone and I had a measly 3.

Anyway, I think I’m going to try another program that involves two shakes (or meal bars) per day and a healthy meal. They actually want you to eat every three hours. So what’s going to be different this time? I really wish I could answer that. The drive is there. I need to suck it up and do it. The programs I looked at included Ideal Shape, Shakeology, Isagenix (which a friend has been trying to get me to do) and 310.

Based on the ratings and the prices, I chose Ideal Shape. I’m going to give it my best shot. I hope to be able to order it on Tuesday. Up until yesterday I had my heart set on Isagenix. Two friends had great results, but it’s about $500 if I include the snack I’d need to get through the cleanse days. It also didn’t get rated as high as Ideal Shape in some categories.

Basically, the problem is me. I don’t feel that I’m eating enough to be this weight, but I’m going to give a serious two months to this program while I’m waiting for an appointment with another endocrinologist who specializes in endocrine issues other than diabetes. I tried taking the Metformin to treat the PCOS, but it made me nauseous and I didn’t have the insulin resistance that goes along with PCOS. I wanted to try something so bad, but I don’t want to be on a medication if I don’t truly need it…especially one that makes me nauseous.

This program also has some CDs to help me with self-hypnosis. Yep, I’m three shades of crazy, but I either have to be all in or not do it at all. I’m in. I want to look like myself this summer, not some fat version of me. The other thing is, losing weight has to help relieve the knee and ankle pain (I hope) from the rheumatoid arthritis. I also plan to chronicle my journey (even if it’s boring as hell) as a way to hold myself accountable.

I’ve also been going back and forth about going back on Plaquenil to deal with my arthritis pain. Also on my list to do this week would be finally going to get that blood test that my rheumatologist wanted me to get. I think it was called a Vectra blood test. It’s supposed to look deeper into the issue of RA, and once and for all have a definitive answer. Every specialist has something different to say.

Most agree that I have fibromyalgia. One thinks I have both fibro and RA. And let’s not forget the Raynaud’s. Can I just say that winter completely sucks with Raynaud’s? My fingers and toes are like painful icicles. As far as I know, though, there’s not much that can be done for it. That which does not kill us…oh whatever!

I’m a Bitch and Other Musings

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Do you ever have those days where you just know you’re not as patient and kind as other days? Maybe you snap at people. Maybe you swear or don’t care as much about things. Well, that was my day today. It didn’t start out that way. I had a decent morning; taught my class and had a conference call with a family that I am taking on as an advocacy client.

Then I got an email from my former friend, clearly trying to reconnect after our last dramatic fight. I’m pleased to say that I didn’t engage. But then, my computer started shutting down and I realized that my battery is no longer working. So every time you touch the power cord, it shuts down…in the middle of what I’m doing. This did not make for a fun afternoon.

I haven’t gotten as much done as I needed to this week and I had to stop and edit pictures for my son’s football banquet. I sent her a message on Facebook asking if her son would be a wrestling tonight so I could give her the disk of photos. Otherwise, I said I’d drop them off at her house. She immediately wrote back on my Facebook page that she doesn’t use Facebook messenger, and “what did I want.”

So I repeated my message on the wall, to which she responded that she needed the pictures by Tuesday so she had to come up with another idea. I had a WTF moment. Seriously? You are putting them in a slide show to play at the banquet. I can easily pop them into a slide show. As a matter of fact, I’ve asked if she needed help all along, including with the banquet. She did something similar to me last year, so I should have seen it coming, but I was pissed that she wrote it like that on my wall. Of course, nosy Facebook people emailed asking if there was a problem with the pictures, so I put them all (way more than she asked for on disk) on to Shutterfly and sent them all to the team, just like I did last year so people could buy them if they liked a particular shot.

I tried to let it go, and maybe I couldn’t because I have taken my Celexa in two days and I’m exceedingly bitchy. I sent her an email later this evening saying I was sorry if I held her up with the pictures, but that I was waiting on a shot of one boy that I didn’t get a closeup of. I said I was sorry if she couldn’t do something with the pictures that she wanted, but that I was deleting her Facebook post because I had two people asking if there were issues and I don’t like that kind of drama.

She emails back, what Facebook post? You know that feeling you get when you just know someone doesn’t like you. This is her. I can honestly say overall it really doesn’t bother me because I don’t see her or have close mutual friends. We’re friendly when we see each other and that’s fine with me. It’s just that the past two season’s I’ve done everything to try and help and be nice, and she still gives me a huge attitude. People like that just piss me off, and today was just a day where I had enough crap.

I have been feeling like crap. I stopped the Metformin after puking this weekend, but then I restarted half the dose on Tuesday. I needed that time to get over the nausea. So far so good on the new dose, and I’ll probably try and move up the dose next week.

I saw my rheumatologist on Tuesday. He wants me to do a Vectra blood test for rheumatoid arthritis. Has anyone had this done? I was given a huge box to bring to the blood lab. Odd. Anyway, he’s still questioning the RA diagnosis, so he says this will give him a better idea of what’s happening. I have the joint pain, significant pain in my hands and feet, but my swelling is usually minimal. At times my hands and feet have bad swelling, but when I saw him on Tuesday they were fine. Isn’t that always the way it is? I asked if he wanted me to call and try and get an appointment when they were swollen, and that didn’t go over well.

I know damn well he can’t get me in at a whim, though he said I could try. Otherwise, he wants to see me in March. That’s not going to happen. I’ve already decided I can’t make it through this winter off meds again. I will see how the blood work comes back, and go from there. I’m ready to go back on Plaquenil.

We are getting our first touch of snow tonight and it’s very cold. It’s only supposed to be a dusting of snow to an inch…nothing major for Connecticut, but I’m just not ready. I miss the warmth. My cats and I have spent most of the week under the heated blanket. At the moment, I have my big cat on my lap, all snuggled up. He makes it hard for me to want to move.

Pain Level 9

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I’m not going to lie. I’m in terrible pain at the moment. Every time I try and get up my knees are so stiff and it hurts to walk. This is fairly new for me. It’s usually my hip, hands, and feet. My knees have never been an issue, but wow, today just got worse as it went on. I suppose I should start by updating on yesterday in case anyone is on the edge of their seat about the Nutcracker auditions or my son’s self-planned birthday party.

Yesterday was stressful for me. I don’t know why I panic so badly. I think it’s that I know my girls get nervous, and I just get so excited and want them to do well. We got there ridiculously early. They looked adorable. They were warmed up and ready to go. My little one gave the director a huge high five when he got there, so she was feeling comfortable. They both did really well during the audition. My little one isn’t as graceful, but dammit, she’s freakin adorable. She looked like she was having a blast up there, and that’s what mattered.

The only drama happened when the kids were given optional time to get up alone and do a “trick” or anything they want to show a skill to the director. Both of my girls had something planned. My older daughter (age 9) really wants a more ballet role this year so she worked for the past few weeks on three different moves she was going to do. She was going to do a cartwheel, and two different ballet moves to show him she had the ballet skills. Well, she panicked. She was first in line and she did her cartwheel and then walked off the stage. She did a beautiful cartwheel, but she wanted to do more. She looked at me and I just smiled and gave her a thumbs up, trying to assure her it was okay. None of the other kids did a lot of moves. This would have just set her apart form the others, which is what we were going for, but she still rocked the audition.

When they were done on stage she came over to me and started crying. She asked if I was upset with her and I told her I couldn’t be more proud of both of them. Just getting up there in a situation like that is huge, especially for my older daughter who is shy. And she rocked the audition. She has beautiful lines in her dancing. I don’t know whether it will be enough to get her the role she is dreaming of, but to be honest, she didn’t get the role she wanted last year and she still had a great time. I’m keeping my fingers crossed, but my goal of last night was to assure her how proud I was of her and that I thought she was terrific. There were a lot of kids that didn’t even get up to do a special trick, and both of my girls did. They tried something and that in itself says something about them.

Now we have to wait for a week and a half to find out what parts they get. This is the stressful part for me. I can’t wait!!

My son had his sleepover and that went okay. I have big concerns about him, though. While this year seems to be going better than last, my son is so insecure and he embellishes stories to fit in. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve talked and talked to him about it. I’ve punished him, I’ve tried to explain that he just needs to be himself. I’m at my wits end with the fibbing. I get that he wants to fit in, but he doesn’t see that people see that he’s making crap up. This is causing me a lot of stress. I talked a lot to him tonight and I really hope I got through to him by being brutally honest about how another parent brought it up to me. I know he was very embarrassed, but he had to hear it. I mean he’s not saying he’s got a million dollars or anything crazy, but he’s embellishing his performance at football, etc. He’s saying he made the tackle, when he definitely helped, but he wasn’t the sole person making the play. That kind of thing. It really comes down to his insecurity about his ability in sports. He isn’t as good as his friends, and he tries so hard to fit in.

This parenting stuff is so hard. I see why he’s doing it, but I need to get through to him because he’s finally made some nice friends and gotten away from the kids that weren’t so nice to him last year.

Fast forward to today, and I think I was just completely exhausted from all the anxiety yesterday. I did manage to get a nap in the afternoon, but my legs, which were sore from my class on Thursday, just got worse as the day went on. My hamstrings were tight from me doing some deadlifts on Thursday morning. That isn’t the pain that’s the issue though. I was sitting on the floor watching some clips on the computer with my daughter and I went to get up and I couldn’t straighten my legs. My knees were so stiff and in so much pain, it took me a few minutes to get up off the floor. I’m 42! It’s very frustrating. This is the first time in a while that I’ve thought to myself that I need to call the rheumatologist and talk about going back on the plaquenil.

Yesterday and today were a lot cooler in temperature, but we’re talking 65-70. We’re not even talking frost yet, but Monday is the first day of autumn and I have to reconcile the fact that with the colder weather the pain is going to get worse, not better. If I remember correctly, the plaquenil took a few months to really kick in for me, so I really need to think about what the heck I’m doing. My plan was to wait until I saw the endocrinologist on October 9th before I made any changes, but I may change that plan. This is something else that I need to get used to. My “plan” might not stick, and my body will likely be dictating the plan from now on.

Did I mention that autoimmune diseases suck? Rheumatoid arthritis sucks! I have never understood what it’s like to have knee pain. I taught step aerobics for years and had a lot of people who had knee issues here and there, but I’ve never had stiffness there. It’s always been the hip for me. I did some light RA reading today and found that it does fluctuate and doesn’t always hurt the same joints. Oh joy! Surprise me RA…I am so excited to see what hurts tomorrow. I’m not going to let it ruin my day, though. I have my flamingo cane. I have to go to church for the first time in months because the kids start CCD, and then my son has a football game.

I need to participate in life, pain or not. It’s definitely easier to do without pain, though.

 

Memories…

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It’s so funny how two people can have very different memories of the same exact situation. I had a former college fling contact me on Facebook last week. I hesitate to even call it a fling…it was college, wasn’t everything a fling? He was actually one of the first people I met in college and he was in a few of my classes. We hung out a lot and became friends. I remember doing a lot of things together as friends and one or two evenings in which there was a little kissing.

Anyway, that’s not the point of my post. The post is that I ended up just having a hour long conversation with him and it was so nice to catch up. Life has been good to him, which is always nice to hear. It was just funny to hear him talk about our college days and our little fling. According to him, the reason we “broke up” was because I went back to my crazy boyfriend (I’ll explain about him in a moment). According to me, he was in love with another girl that was away at another college. I thought things just never really went anywhere, and there was no real drama or breakup, we were just always friends, and then the following year we weren’t in classes together and I didn’t see him much.

The story he remembered was a day the car I was borrowing broke down. I commuted to the school and it was about an hour away. I needed my ex-boyfriend to come up and help me with the car because it belonged to his brother, and his brother wasn’t around. The plan was that he was going to call me when he got to town and I’d meet him back at the car, but in the meantime I was going to go to work with my friend Steve, who worked as a camp counselor with young kids in a day program. I had so much fun that day with the kids, until my ex-boyfriend showed up like a lunatic wanting to know if I was sleeping with Steve.

Let me giving a quick overview of my ex. I was young–very young. He was older, attractive, but extremely jealous and a bit crazy. He cheated on me and we broke up, but apparently the thought that I could be interested in someone else really bothered him. I never did go back to him, but he always seemed to be lurking around for a long time after that.

I thought Steve went back to the girlfriend, but I guess that never happened. Tonight he told me that he really wanted to date me at that time, but thought I was going back to the crazy ex. Funny how things work out when people don’t communicate. I had no idea the guy was even that interested. That’s what no self-esteem does for you! I never thought that someone like him, who I saw as this great guy, would be interested in me. I thought I had to settle for the crazy ones!

It was nice to catch up and fun to relive some memories. Hard to believe how long it’s been, but it was nice to swap stories about our lives and kids, etc. There aren’t a lot of people from my past that I’m not in contact with already that I’m dying to hear from, but I was really happy to hear from him…even if he did post a picture of me with really big 1991 hair!

Tonight was the finale of The Wizard of Oz. I am officially exhausted. I’m really proud of my daughter. I know she has a long way to go in terms of stage presence and acting, but for the first time, she wasn’t nervous or panicked going on stage, with the exception of the first night. As much as all these shows were a lot on me, I think they helped her over her fear.

My body is super tired, though. The problem is that my mind doesn’t agree with my body. I just a half an Ambien to try and get some rest. The chilly nights have also been a little tough on my arthritis. Last night my hip was pretty bad, and tonight my toe is bothering me. It’s manageable, but I’m really looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow and relaxing. I am hoping not to have to get out of bed until 10AM.

I do have to talk about a new symptom, one that I did bring up to my doctor, but he kind of shrugged off last time. My one eye feels like it gets so dry and nothing helps. It gets to the point where it feels like there is something inside of it. I know this can be a symptom of sjogren’s syndrome, which is another autoimmune disease, but my rheumatologist didn’t think it was that since it was mainly one eye. I am going to bring it up again because both eyes feel dry, but the one eye feels like something is stuck in it. No amount of drops really helps.

It’s on my to-talk-about list. My appointment is either the 15th or the 19th. I have to call Monday and confirm. I definitely will not be doing the trigger point shots again. For now I’m going to go read what I can about sjogren’s syndrome so I can tell you more about it tomorrow…and hold an intelligent conversation about it with my doctor.

A Good Friend Can Make or Break Your Day

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Just another day is crazytown. The kids had a half-day at school so everyone was home by 12:30. I tutor my autistic client on Friday mornings so I’m trying to tell you that I got nothing done today. That’s not exactly true. I did manage to get the three kids in the car and go pick up my son’s new lenses for his glasses and his sports glasses. That was my one accomplishment, followed by a ride home of me taking a play date away from my son for being disrespectful and then listening to him complain about it for the rest of the ride home.

I’ve been on a kick all week that my kids are rude, so I explained that they are just going to start losing things. My son had to come home and clean his room before he could go to a sleepover that he had planned for this evening. He complained all through doing that, and there were a few tears before he went outside to tell the neighbor that he could not go over to play, but I’m hoping that they get it through their heads that Mom isn’t going to tolerate obnoxious behavior.

My hip was a little better today, but my spirits are still a little low. I found out someone that I’ve known for the majority of my life (though not super close) asked my hairdresser/friend some personal questions about me. I’m not sure why it’s bothering me so much. I actually found this out a few days ago and I can’t put it aside for whatever reason.

It may sound funny considering I’m blogging about my life, but I’m a very private person in terms of certain parts of my life. We all have things we just choose not to discuss and I have a lot of those. It’s not that I don’t talk about my life, but I don’t put my crap out there for everyone to see. I don’t air most of my dirty laundry on Facebook, though I’ve been known to slip up and vent now and then. We all make mistakes.

I just feel like there is this whole conversation going on behind my back and I’m walking around not knowing a thing. I was happier not knowing a thing. I’m trying to hold my head up and just ignore it all. A few years ago I “dumped” a lot of friends and went through a bit of a mid-life crisis. This all happened right before I was diagnoses with rheumatoid arthritis. I just found myself being very unhappy with my life. A lot of my friends weren’t real friends.

Don’t you hate backstabbing people? People that I worked with for years…like 15 years, stabbed me in the back as the company was in trouble and what could have been an layoff due to money, was the meanest, ugliest, most hurtful layoff. One of my bridesmaids stepped up and felt she could do my job and went behind my back to the boss saying she’d do it for less money. It all crumbled a few months later when they realized after 15 years no one but me knew how to index a book with their computer database system and they had to pay me my hilariously ridiculous consulting rate to go in for a day and fix everything they screwed up. That was a fantastic day for me…though the ex-friend and everyone who backstabbed me conveniently took the day off, including the boss who let me go.

Anyway, where am I going with this? About that time I started re-evaluating my friends. I think I deleted like 80-100 Facebook friends in one evening because I didn’t know who was my friend and who wasn’t. Dramatic, yep! But some of them needed to go! A very small few were re-friended.

Add an autoimmune disease into the mid-life crisis and there I was dealing with a whole lot of crap within three years. Did I mention that I still see the former co-worker/bridesmaid all the time? Our sons are in the same grade and they are friends. Heck, they are even on the same baseball team. That first year was super uncomfortable, but once again I’m the bigger person. We’re civil, maybe even bordering on friendly these days. I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her, but I gave up the anger on the subject because the only one it was affecting was me.

Friendships grow and change when things happen in your life. You learn who your friends are in a crisis, and sometimes even during really happy times, too. I re-evaluated some friendships a few months after being diagnosed with RA. One of my closest friends asked me a boat load of questions, and clearly had done some research, which made me think…wow, he cared enough to look this up. Then he came out with, “are your hands going to turn into claws in a few years?”

Um…I have no idea. A normal person wouldn’t ask that because they would know that when a person is diagnosed with RA, the first picture in their head is the hands with severe deformities. Admit it RA sisters! It was definitely the first picture that popped into my head, and the answer is that I have no idea. In my case, the RA was caught early. We hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

A good friend can make or break your day. As much as I’m sitting here annoying that once again people are talking behind my back, I’m also at peace because I have at least 5 friends that I know I can pick up the phone, get on the computer and chat, or contact in some way and they will listen and be there for me. Bottom line, I need to get a grip! I’m actually very lucky.

And then there’s always my cats!

 

Where the Hell Is Spring?

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I’m freezing. My whole body is shivering at the moment, and I’m under my heated blanket. I just got up to grab a cup of hot cocoa and my heating pad to try and break the shivering.

Today was a complete lazy day. I had some stomach issues last night, and I just didn’t feel well at all this morning. I went back to sleep for a few hours and was basically a bum until the afternoon.

I have a love-hate relationship with days like these. I love to sleep, and during the day is the only time that I don’t have trouble sleeping, but I also get down on myself when I waste a day. I know that my body really needed the rest today. I’ve been running around like crazy for the last two weeks, and my plate has really been full.

it’s like my body just cried uncle last night and I couldn’t push myself today. I got pretty annoyed this past weekend at a well-meaning person who suggested that I need to work on pushing through a bit more. I hate when people judge your circumstance without really knowing what you’re going through.

It’s frustrating enough to be in this kind of pain. Heck, I just got up to get a cup of cocoa and my hips were all locked up, but knee hurts, and my muscles through my back and neck are tight. I’m on the fence as to whether I’m getting a migraine or not.

I feel like crap, and I know my body well enough that if I was to push through today, I’d have been useless for tomorrow and possibly the next day. When I run ragged, I tend to get sick, and that’s all I need.

I’m trying to get rid of a lot of negativity in my life. I have a friend who calls me (sometimes several times per day) to talk about other people including teachers, the principal, other parents, and other kids. It’s been weighing on me that the friendship is totally bringing me down.

If someone is bashing everyone else in town, they are likely talking about you, too. I don’t like gossip. I honestly don’t want to know what’s going on in someone’s personal life, and the last thing I’d ever do is say a child is stupid. Children aren’t stupid. Adults with no thought about anyone but themselves are stupid. I’m just not sure why other people continue to tell her things.

I’m beyond the high school stuff, and I can’t stand when this friend needs to make her child out to be the top of everything. Look, if the kid truly has an A+ average in everything and the top score in her grade, I’m thrilled for her. That’s an awesome accomplishment, but does it need to be brought up in every conversation?

I feel like my friend is unhappy and is living her life through her kids, but on the outside she has a good life. I say, on the outside, because who really knows what someone else is dealing with on the inside. She is financially set, and doesn’t need to work. She has a beautiful family and a husband who loves her.

I don’t know. I just don’t think life is about how much better you or your kids are than other people. Life is hard enough. Can’t we just let kids be kids and not stress about grades at such a young age? My kids do well in school. I don’t expect an A+ in every subject, but I expect them to work hard and do their best.

I have two children with reading and comprehension issues, so I know school isn’t always easy. My son started middle school this year and I was in a panic on whether he could handle the workload. The first month or two was crazy, but my son made the honor roll. The pride HE had with this accomplishment was awesome, because in many things he does have to work harder and longer to get good grades.

I’m super proud of my kids, but I’ll be the first to tell you they are far from perfect. The talk back, they drive me over the edge sometimes, and they make me crazy…but I wouldn’t change it. They are my everything, and I like the little people they are becoming.

I guess in that regard, I have my priorities in order. I need to sort things out and distance myself a bit from my friend as she’s bringing me down. I just want to surround myself with people who aren’t so negative. That’s almost silly to me as my other friend accused me of being negative when I started this blog.

I guess it’s fair to say I use this as a place to vent, but I don’t bash people. I often have a tough time dealing with my autoimmune issues and writing these issues down has been really good for me. I really appreciate all the nice comments and likes on the blog. I’ve had so much fun doing it.

Now how to I subtly cut my friend back quite a bit? Ideas welcome!