It’s a Full On Flare

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I went to bed with a stiff lower back and woke up with it, too. The problem is it got worse and worse as the day went on. I was at a tutoring session with my client who has autism and my feet were throbbing and my hands were in so much pain.

By the time I got home, I was so exhausted that I fell asleep on the couch while my kids amused themselves and took care of the pup. By 6pm my feet were so swollen I retired to the couch where I have been planning my Easter meal ever since. I’m having all of my in-laws over. There were years where that would stress me out terribly, but sometime around 4 or 5 years ago, I stopped caring so much.

I’m not mean, in fact, I’d go out of my way to help any of them, but I don’t think they truly like me that much. We’re at least at a point where spending an afternoon together is no longer my personal hell. They were rough…to the point where my husband’s best friends told me I had the worst in-laws they had ever seen. Yay me!!

My husband has two sisters and he was the first to get married. Strike one was that I’m not Irish…not even a tiny bit Irish. And, I won’t even get into the whole wedding fiasco and aftermath. There was a time where my mother-in-law was very hurtful to me, whether she truly intended it or not. But, in the past few years we’ve done a lot (both of us) to get along. It’s a much nicer relationship.

One of my sister-in-laws drives me a bit over the edge. She relies on my 11-year-old son to watch her 4-year-old boys. They are very political…at least he is and she follows. I’m more of a liberal when it comes to social issues. I believe gay people should be able to get married, I’m pro-choice, I believe in gun control, though I do appreciate the second amendment.

Living 5 minutes away from Sandy Hook school and the horrific mass shooting that occurred there, I have strong believes that high number magazine clips should be banned, as well as those types of assault weapons. If you are a hunter and you need those, you need to find another sport. I don’t have issues with people who own guns. I have friends and family that are very responsible gun owners and that is their right. I just wish that there were stricter guidelines and background checks.

Anyway, I never want to be political on this blog and I hope those of you who disagree with my views don’t stop reading. I never preach! I accept that all people have their own views. The problem I have is that my in-laws are so far to the right that they can’t see past themselves. You can’t have a conversation with people who don’t listen, so I always pray we can stay away from anything political.

I can already tell tomorrow is going to be rough for me. My house isn’t in horrible shape, but I need to clean and start cooking. It’s difficult to admit that those regular things take their toll. I’m already having a tough time with the fact that my long walk with the big hills last night maybe  contributing to my pain level.

I just feel like it’s a rheumatoid arthritis or fibromyalgia flare. I have the pain and the exhaustion. I almost fell asleep working with my client this morning. My sleep has been interrupted a bit with the new puppy. He has done really well the past two nights and went to bed at 11pm and slept until 5AM. The disrupted sleep isn’t helping. That in itself is tough when you have an autoimmune disease!

So I’ll leave you with my latest symptom. I didn’t give it much thought until it started happening more frequently. I keep waking up with what looks like lipstick stains on my hand. The red marks don’t wash off and they stay for several hours. It’s not always the same spot. I have to say, I didn’t give it a lot of thought until my husband expressed concern and I put the pics on Facebook and everyone is telling me to go to the doctor.

I’m just wondering if anyone else has this happen. If anyone knows what this is, I’d love to know! Could it be related to my Raynaud’s?

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Happy Easter/Passover my autoimmune friends. I hope you’re evening has less pain than mine!

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Ending a Migraine

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As per my usual M.O., I got a horrendous migraine after I calmed down about my dad. When I saw him on Wednesday, he looked so good and all my stress seemed to fade. It was about 7pm and I was watching a show with my daughter when I lost my vision in one eye.

This one came on fierce. I took migraine meds and muscle relaxers. I used ice and had my TENS unit going trying to loose up the tight bands in my neck. It was one of the worst I’ve had in a while.

I slept a lot yesterday so I would feel well enough to go out to dinner for my daughter’s birthday. She had a wonderful birthday and was thrilled with her presents and going out to eat. She got a lot of presents, which is unusual for us for a birthday, but most of the things she wanted were tiny. Anyway, she was thrilled.

In stead of telling you how much I binged today and strayed from my diet, I thought I’d discuss Kanye West. What was he thinking? My guess would be that he doesn’t think anyone other than he or Beyonce deserve awards. Now I won’t sit here and say I’m familiar with any of Beck’s music, other than the Loser song from a while back, but he played 14 instruments on his album. He also wrote all his songs.

To insult him for winning album of the year was just plain wrong. I got jumped on when I posted that I thought he was racist on my Facebook page. Yes, I’m well aware that he married a white woman, but I can’t stand the way he talks about other artists. He just a very odd dude.

There is also the Brian Williams fiasco with his lies about being shot down in Iraq. I was disappointed because I like Brian Williams. It’s like that story that keeps growing and growing each time it was told. He got so much attention from it, the lie took on a mind of it’s own. I give him credit for explaining it and I do hope that people forgive the mistake and move forward.

I am still searching for a puppy. Actually I found one, but the shelter hasn’t gotten back to me. I fond a few puppies that were for sale that were so adorable, but I really prefer to adopt. We’ll see what happens. I’m thinking maybe that would make my birthday more tolerable this year since I’ve been dreading turning 43, the age my mother died.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and we are getting yet another snow storm. I’m praying it ends early on Sunday because my daughter’s birthday is at 2pm. I was so stressed that no one could come, but now she has about 5 friends and her cousins, and of course her brother and sister.

I’ve never been a big Valentine’s Day person.  I once had a boyfriend that showed up at my work with roses and chocolates out of the blue…we had just started seeing each other. Then I went back to his place to get dressed to go out to dinner and he had more flowers there, perfume, and some lingerie. That’s about the most romance I’ve ever had. It was a complete shock and I guess that’s why I liked it so much.

Since there will be a snow storm and it’s going to be like 0 degrees out, we’re going to have dinner at home with the kids. I need to go on Pinterest and find something to make.

 

 

 

 

Stress, Snow, and Sleep Issues

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I don’t think my kids have been to school on a Monday in the last three or four weeks. Again, we have a decent storm last night and this morning so my little cherubs were home, and arguing all day. They argued over XBox controllers. They argued over which character they were using. They argued over lots of mundane issues.

We already have a two-hour delay for tomorrow so of course no one wanted to go to bed on time. My son is still awake at 11:30PM, but I think he’s worried about me. My dad is having major heart surgery tomorrow morning. I was doing okay until I spoke with him tonight. We don’t do emotions well, my Dad and I. We love each other very much, but it’s just not him to say it a lot. I told him I loved him and that I knew everything would be okay. It was difficult to hear him say he was scared. I’m scared, too.

I’ve been so worried about me dying at 43 that I hadn’t given much thought to losing someone else in my life, like my only other living parent. I’m not ready. I just pray that it all goes well, and if you are the praying type, please say a few for my dad.

My kids saw me crying after I talked to him and they really stepped up. The older two were really consoling, but my youngest got very upset, too. I didn’t want that so I regrouped and focused on assuring them that the doctor said Grandpa is an excellent candidate for this surgery. He’s active and otherwise healthy. I just need him to be okay.

I took a half an Ambien because I knew I’d have a difficult time falling asleep. I took it an hour ago, and now I’m wondering whether I should have taken a full one. We can all sleep in a little bit tomorrow with the snow delay.

Other than the situation with my dad, I’ve been doing okay. The Raynaud’s is really tough on these cold days. My fingertips were so cold that when I got in a warm (not even hot) shower, they felt like they were on fire when the warm water hit them. It’s the oddest thing. Does anyone else have that?

I know that it’s normal for your hands to get very white or even bluish, but when they are returning to normal temperature, do you have pain? I just want to make sure I’m not a freak of nature.

I was able to get on my elliptical machine today for a workout. It felt good. I couldn’t last too long, but I took a break and did some pushups in the middle and then got back on. I’m going to really try to do 10 minutes a day for a few weeks. I know that sounds so lame, but I need to make a goal that I can keep. Once I’m used to doing it for two weeks, maybe I can up the time.

In my spare time, I’ve been looking at puppies online. I don’t need another animal. I have a dog, three cats, and a parrot. It’s just that I’ve always wanted a German Shepherd puppy. Now I’m not that person that wants to go to a breeder and AKC papers, I want to rescue a pup. It’s just that the timing has to be right, and I really want a young puppy in order to acclimate it into our menagerie.

Is the man of the house on board? Not yet, but I’m working on it. This may sound awful but I put up with so much bullshit that I don’t think he’d really say no. I think he’ll try and talk me out of it. If nothing else, it’s keeping me busy while I am worried about my dad.

Town Politics

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I don’t like politics. I have my views, and I don’t shove them on anyone else, and I hate when people shove theirs on me. But national politics are very different than local politics. I live in a fairly small town in New England. Living about 8 miles from Sandy Hook Elementary School, our lives were forever changed by the massacre that occurred on 12/14/12. It also changed the things that area schools do to protect our children.

Our town is in a first with our First Selectman over money needed for special education. For those that have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I work for a nonprofit doing special education advocacy. Let’s put it this way, a town cannot simply decide not to fund special education, Unless, of course, they are willing to take on the lawsuits that will result from that decision of doing something against the law.

Our town’s Board of Education requested a special appropriation of money because they are over budget due to the need for long terms subs and special education. Our First Selectman and Board of Finance turned the other way and ignored a 1000-person signed petition for a town meeting. I’m going to be blunt…I think he’s a schmuck. Funny that no one on either of those boards have a child in the district.

So all of this is on my mind today. It wasn’t an eventful day overall, but it’s one that’s fairly pain-free, so I’m thankful for that. I’m just finding that my patience is thin. I snapped a lot at my kids today, and I hate when I’m like that. I’m just tired of the bickering and nastiness toward each other. Do you ever just need a break from your kids?

Maybe I sound like a horrible mother saying that, but sometimes I just need a break. I have three kids, two of whom have learning issues, and two of whom (not the same two) have ADHD. Homework is not easy, nor fun. I’m just crabby today.

For the first time I’m hoping for a snow delay tomorrow. I’m overbooked and that would clear my schedule. Also, I cheated on my diet terribly today. I mean, not just a little cheat. I found chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels…ate way too many. And, I had an ice cream sandwich. I never crave ice cream. It’s not really my thing. I enjoy it when I have some, but it’s nothing I go out of my way for.

My youngest daughter begged for them in the grocery store today, and I didn’t expect to have one, but I’ll admit…her’s looked delicious. So it’s back on the wagon tomorrow and I will be stepping up the exercise. I also wasn’t great about drinking the crazy amount of water today, and believe it or not, I’m finding I feel better drinking all that water.

I have more energy and I think I have less headaches. So, it’s back measuring my water intake. I need to find more willpower. I’m going to force myself to write down everything I eat. Maybe that will help.

Hoping you all had a pain-free day.

No New News; Just New Medicine

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My appointment with the endocrinologist went pretty much as expected. My bloodwork all came back in the normal range. As I sat there about to cry, I made a last ditch effort using the the research I did on Metformin being helpful for PCOS, and much to my surprise he agreed to try it. I didn’t see that coming. I was ready with my arguments, but he said that he has seen Metformin help with some patients even when their bloodwork did not show an excess of androgens (male hormones).

So here I am with my new prescription and I’m on the Facebook pages for PCOS reading the horror stories of side effects. It’s mostly stomach issues…people saying they couldn’t leave the bathroom for days. Sounds like a real joy! I opted to only take one pill yesterday as people were saying it was helpful to work up the dose.

I didn’t have any side effects at all, so I figured why not try both doses today. I took the second dose with dinner around 6:30 and I feel like I’m sitting here waiting for something to happen. Fingers crossed that I don’t have issues tonight. I have enough issues already.

Today was hectic. I had a team meeting about 45 minutes away and then sat in traffic for an extra 30 minutes on the way home. I wish I had more interesting things to say today, but at the moment I’m supposed to be editing a military fiction novel and I just can’t concentrate on it. I have another novel waiting to be edited so I need to force myself to get through it.

The novel itself is well-written. I don’t have a lot of work to do in terms of the editing itself, but I’m not familiar with all the military terms or places in Vietnam, so I’m spending a lot of time looking things up. I’m having a hard time focusing at all lately. I just have so many things going on. I know I’m trying to do too many things. What mom doesn’t? But it’s difficult to keep up.

Between Halloween and standing out in the freezing cold for 2 hours on Sunday to watch my son’s football game, I’m really feeling the effects of having an autoimmune disease. My feet were so swollen after walking around in my slippers on Halloween that I couldn’t fit in my shoes on Saturday. I squeezed into them (with my usual brilliance) thinking they’d loosen up, and within about 5 minutes my feet swelled so much that I had to turn around and go back home to get other shoes.

I want to be there for every special moment with my kids, and it’s just really hard when the after effects cripple me at times. It doesn’t mean I’m ever going to stop trying, though. It’s just frustrating.

I’m also learning that just because you care about someone doesn’t mean they deserve it. I guess I’m that person that always hold on to a little bit of the good in people. There are very few people in my life that I hate, if any. I just try and make peace with things and move forward. I’m frustrated because I’ve now had someone try and come in and out of my life as one of my friends is doing now. He’s not even my friend after all the crap he’s pulled. I guess I’m just confused as to how someone can be in a serious psychotic state and then a week or so later act like nothing happened. I am chalking it up to mental illness and trying to just cut off ties.

Okay, I have to get back to my editing.

Still Waiting for Answers

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To say I’m feeling stressed is an understatement. Today was my annual pelvic ultrasound and mammogram. Because my mom died at 43 of ovarian cancer, and my grandmother also died of ovarian cancer later in life, I have to go for ultrasounds as a preventative measure because there really are no signs with ovarian cancer. So, it goes without saying that I get stressed before these appointments. Add to that the fact that this morning’s appointment was a bit out of the norm and I’m kind of a mess.

My insurance doesn’t cover ultrasounds so I opted out of the belly ultrasound and just did the vaginal one because they get a clearer picture of the ovaries with that anyway. The tech took a really long time and sometimes that is normal as one of my ovaries is up high. She then said that she was going to do the stomach ultrasound to see if she could get a better picture, but that she wasn’t going to write it down so I didn’t get charged for it, which was really nice. Although I was super thankful for that, it also concerned me. Was it because she saw something out of the ordinary, or that she just couldn’t get a clear picture of that left ovary?

As she was leaving the room the tech said that my doctor was in the office today and that she would call me later with the results. Well, I never received a call. So I have come up with the following possible scenarios. #1. It’s Monday, she got busy and didn’t get to my ultrasound results yet. #2. It’s not good and she’s going to call me tomorrow…if it was a simple call the nurse would have done it for her. #3. She saw it and it wasn’t serious so she thought she’d call tomorrow.

Now I’ll rip those apart. She’s known me for 17 years and she knows I stress. I don’t think #3 is plausible. So it’s either that she didn’t have a chance to read the results today or that it’s bad. I’m opted to take a half an ambien so that I can sleep and turn my mind off from worrying tonight. There’s nothing I can do until tomorrow. For the first time, I’m thinking it’s going to be okay. That in itself is a little strange, because I’m a glass half empty kind of girl. I like to prepare for the worst case scenario.

At the moment, I’m in bed. My kitten, Biscuit, is snuggled up against me, purring. That always calms me. He’s such a strange little guy. He carries around dolls shoes or small things all over the house. Everything is a toy, but it is usually something like a shoe from an American Girl doll (that I probably paid a million dollars for). I suppose I should be happy that someone is playing with it! Since I raised Biscuit and his sister Cookie from the time they were two weeks old, they are very attached to me. But, Biscuit is ridiculous. He loves everyone from me to the cable guy. He just walks up to anyone and jumps in their lap to snuggle. The cable guy was here last week and he jumped right in the guy’s tool bag and started purring. My cats keep me calm and mostly sane!

Some good news for the day, which was very unexpected…my son won an essay contest at school. I’m going to sound like a horrible mom for a moment, but I almost didn’t believe him. He didn’t even want to enter the contest, but when I found out he got 10 extra points on his first test if he entered I made him do it. While I didn’t write it for him, I sat and brainstormed ideas with him about what he liked about science, asking him questions about experiments he did last year. I did proofread the essay, as my son is dyslexic, and it’s also safe for me to make sure he used complete sentences and that there weren’t any typos.

I thought the essay was okay. It wasn’t the greatest thing I had seen but it really did reflect him as a learner and how he learns best by doing hands-on projects and that his reading issues make textbook learning more difficult. He came home all excited today that in he was one of four students in his class that one the contest, which means he gets to go one four science field trips where they get to do hand-on learning at different places.

My son has never won anything academic, so even though I don’t think this was award winning in terms of his essay work, he did well and he must have said something that they liked enough to pick him. To see his genuine pride and excitement was the highlight of my whole day. For a kid that spends a lot of time trying to play catch-up in school to his peers reading level, etc., it was awesome to see his sense of pride in this accomplishment. I was one proud mama and I think the science field trips will be an awesome experience for him.

I’m going to end tonight’s blog on that high note, and hope I can do the same tomorrow. Good night autoimmune friends!

 

 

 

It’s an Insomnia Kind of Night

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I haven’t had insomnia in a while. That’s mostly because I’ve been taking Melatonin around 8pm and by 11pm I’m pretty tired. If I forget, then I take a half an Ambien on some nights, but I try to only do that when necessary. I totally forgot tonight and I’m wide awake because I have a lot on my mind.

Tomorrow is my annual pelvic ultrasound (don’t be jealous). I get myself stressed out for this. In case you haven’t followed my blog for a while, my mother died of ovarian cancer, as did my grandmother, so these ultrasounds are done as a preventative measure because there really are no definitive signs for ovarian cancer. My doctor said “everything felt normal” at my yearly appointment, but until I have the ultrasound, I’m stressed. Add to that, I scheduled a mammogram for right afterward. I figure, let’s have all the fun in one day.

I do my monthly checks, but I know of about 5 people around the age of 40 who have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, so that’s on my mind, too.

But, what’s really bugging the crap out of me is a conversation I had yesterday that I can’t get off my mind. In case I haven’t mentioned, I started speaking to my friend again–the one that dissed the idea of this blog. We don’t talk often. We are not Facebook friends, and I have no desire to get our friendship back, but we have texted and emailed back and forth.

I prefer to have things in a peaceful, resolved state than in an angry one, but at the moment, I’m angry again because he’s an asshole. As I have mentioned previously I work for a nonprofit that helps families of children with special needs. I also tutor a man with autism, who is 50 years old. The conversation I had with this friend was regarding my tutoring job with my autistic client. His position is that it is a waste of state funding to have me work with my client because he’s worthless to society and never going to get any better. My position is that while the goal has never been to cure his autism, it is the help him increase his verbalization so that he can express himself in an emergency or other situations when needed.

His mother set up this program and another woman and I have been working with him for over two years. I’m not going to sit here and say that every day with him is fabulous. It’s definitely hit or miss, but overall he has come a long way. I see some very important strides, and I don’t believe as a society we should give up on people because they are disabled. This is a man with a tremendous mind. If I give him a date, he can tell me what day of the week it was on. He can tell me what day a game show premiered on. His mind is fascinating.

Anyway, my point is, this conversation really pissed me off because it showed me this person’s whole way of thinking. That in his world he has more value than other people, and I just don’t see it that way. Needless to say, I don’t think we’re talking much again, and that’s fine with me. We’re very different and he insults my parenting. My son has high anxiety, and the way I deal with issues with my son is very different than they way he handles his kids. I made a choice a while ago to stop getting our kids together because it just causes problems. He treats his kids like mini-adults and I treat mine like kids.

So I’m annoyed and wide awake. The only good news I have is that my hopes from last night’s post came true. My son had a big play in today’s game. He recovered a fumble from the other team, and as Mother of the Year, I missed it! I was watching the cheerleaders! I suck. All of the sudden I saw the coaches and kids cheering for him and I looked around asking for anyone who knew what happened.

Luckily I found someone who explained it all to me so I could congratulate him at the end of the game. It was a huge deal for him. He looked so proud of himself, and that was all I really wanted. He needed that moment so badly. I’m so sorry I missed it, but I was so happy I saw the look on his face when his coaches and teammates were cheering him on. I was a huge deal!!

Wish me luck tomorrow.

 

Oh My Aching Back

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There’s no question why my body is rebelling at the moment. I have been going in high gear for more than a week, driving my kids from one practice to another, trying to keep up with work, social activities, sports, voice lessons, doctor’s appointments, and family obligations. I knew at some point soon my body would cry uncle and that day was today. I actually woke up okay, but as the day went on my body got more and more stiff, starting with my back and going into my hips, knees, and feet. At this point even my hands hurt. It’s the first time in quite a while I opted to take medication for the pain.

I didn’t think I’d fall asleep and I have to be up early for a meeting tomorrow, so Ambien was out of the question. I figure I have a good 20 minutes before the pain medication begins to hit. I can catch up with a blog. Besides, the pain medication doesn’t affect me nearly as bad as the Ambien. It just seems to take the edge off the pain without making me all crazy, like Ambien.

Today I started to get a little stressed about our upcoming vacation to Disney. I’m looking forward to it. Obviously I love seeing my children excited, I just don’t like tension, and traveling with family…especially my in-laws, can be tough. I’m just trying to make the trip about my kids and what they want to do. It’s going to be up to them and we’re going to play things by ear without over planning too much. Last time we have to follow everyone else’s schedule and I won’t do that again. I don’t mean to sound like I’m not excited. I am starting to get excited. I think I always get nervous before I travel.

This is the first big trip I’m taking since being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. The last time we went to Disney, I had not problem walking for 9 hours a day for 8 days in a row. I don’t know how I’m going to do this time. Actually it was the week after we returned home that I felt like I got hit with a bus. At first I thought my legs were sore from all the walking,  but instead of getting better, it got worse and worse. The doctor diagnosed me with Lyme disease. That was the beginning of my journey with autoimmune disease.

After the course of treatment for Lyme didn’t help, I was sent to a rheumatologist, who didn’t think I ever really had Lyme disease. Long story short, here I am with RA and fibro, and I’m a little panicked about how I’m going to handle walking Disney in the July heat from sun up to sundown. I’ll be fine on the first day, but what if I can’t do it on the second day? Do I bring my cane? Do I think about renting a scooter? OMG, I’m thinking about possible renting a freakin Hoveround at Disney. This is a new low!

I suppose I’ll figure it all out next week and I won’t worry about it at 12:45AM when I have a meeting in the morning.

A short recap of everything else that’s happened. My daughter sang in her recital yesterday. It was such a huge moment for her. Two months ago she refused to even try to sing in it because she was so scared. She’s come so far in the past few years, but especially these last few months. I knew she was scared on the way there, but the little girl she was singing with was a little ham, and that really put my daughter at ease. The other little girl is very sweet and silly, which brought my daughter out of her shell, so to speak, and she started to have more fun with it. Heck, she even cracked a smile a few times during the performance.

She didn’t sing alone, and it wasn’t one of the solos that blows me away during her voice lessons. The songs were light and easy, but she did it, and even more than that, she said it was FUN! That was a huge moment in her life. I was a very proud mama!

My son is having a tough time with travel baseball. He’s in a hitting slump and it’s psychological. He thinks he sucks, and he’s telling that to himself. We bring him to the batting cage and the kid nails the ball. He gets up in front of the pitcher and he freezes. About 75% of the time he gets a walk because at the moment he’s the smallest kid on the team (he has my genes) and the pitchers have trouble adjusting pitches to him. The other 25% of the time he strikes out. Tonight I had a long conversation with him about this time vs, his spring team where he was hitting the ball really well. I think he really just doesn’t believe he can do it on this team. I have my work cut out for me, but I will get him confidence up.

And baby #3 is still vying for starting makeup tutorials on youtube. I have no idea where she comes from, but that kid just keeps me laughing all the time. From making me buy a kabuki brush so I can properly apply loose powder, to making sure I only apply blush to the apples of my cheeks, she is one smart cookie. I feel like so much time is devoted to her brother and sister’s activities that I need to make sure she gets back into her own things in the fall. Having three kids is not cheap!

Anyway, I should try and get some sleep now that my pain is slowly subsiding with the medicine. I don’t like taking this stuff, but I’m so thankful I have it for nights like tonight.

 

 

The Non-Blog Post

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I confess. I didn’t want to write a blog tonight. I’m having a moment. A big moment. An ugly moment with tears and sadness and raw emotion, and I just didn’t want to put it into words, but I am editing a novel (did I mention the novel with an excess of the word “she”?) and frankly I needed a break and this was the only viable option.

So here I am. I tried watching the news, but that’s depressing as all hell. A bunch of performers from the circus fell off some metal suspended frame thing and they are all hurt. A college student died of meningitis days before graduation. I need to turn that crap off.

I didn’t have a bad day. I slept in for a bit after the wedding. With my kids staying over night with my sister-in-law, I had a quiet house…except for hungry cats. I also took my girls to a cupcake baking event for the nonprofit organization that I work for. It was a decent day, despite not being able to follow navigation directions from Siri. I swear that bitch led me in a circle twice. I am not so good with directions. The girls fell asleep and I was humoring myself with the line from European Vacation when Clark gets stuck on the rotary in England and he keeps saying “Look kids, Big Ben! Parliament!” Even if my kids were awake, they wouldn’t have gotten the humor.

I really don’t even feel like discussing why I’m so upset. Without going into too much detail so I don’t start crying again, I’m just feeling pretty terrible about myself. I look horrible. This freakin autoimmune disease has really taken its toll on me, and I’m having a hard time with the way I look. I’m not eating enough to be this fat. I am not saying I don’t eat sweets. I had a cupcake today.

But, overall I eat healthy. In the last few weeks I’ve really been sticking to about 1,200 calories a day and exercising and I’m still not losing weight. Something is wrong. It’s probably the meds, but I need to call tomorrow to schedule the CT scan like the doctor wanted me to do.

Did you ever see something and know that you’ll be seeing it again soon, or it be important soon? It’s hard to explain. Things usually hit me in some sort of vision and then months later I realize why I had that feeling. I’ve decided that on top of being horrified at the way I look, I’m actually really worried that something is wrong. My mom died at 43 and I’m 42 and it’s just hitting me that something is really wrong. I’m not doing enough to figure out what it is.

I will start tomorrow with calling about the CT scan and that will be step one. Step two is cutting out sugar. I may have a very crabby week. Expect crabby posts. Crabby is better than crying, though.

 

I Am a Bitch

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With the stabbings in Pennsylvania today it didn’t seem right to title my blog today about going postal. I’m having a tough day. I’m pissed off, annoyed, etc., but it’s nothing in comparison to what those poor families are going through, so first I’d like to say my thoughts and prayers are with the families of those affected my today’s tragedy.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my home town is Sandy Hook, CT. I was born and raised there and lived there until I began high school. The tragedy that happened there (minutes from where I live now) is something that changed my life forever. I will never again put my kids on the bus and not think “what if?” It’s something that forever changed our area, and I know it will do the same for that part of Pennsylvania. I just wish there was a way to make this stop happening so our kids could be save.

I’m going to change the subject because that one gets me very distraught because I just don’t have the answers. We need more mental health resources and we need stricter gun control. I don’t want to take away anyone’s rights. I just want stronger background checks and I, for me personally, I just don’t see a reason for the high-round magazine clips, etc. You can’t sell me on using those for hunting. If you need those for hunting, you should find another sport because your suck at hunting.

I’m off my soapbox on the state of the nation. I’ll not address the state of my life, which is in disarray. My dad is have heart issues. He has a deteriorated valve that needs to be replaced. The first step in doing that comes tomorrow when they will do a test to check for any blockages. My dad is a very private man. He’d HATE that I’m blogging about him…thank goodness none of you will spill the beans! My dad is quiet and reserved, and doesn’t show much in the way of emotion. There’s never a doubt of his love, but he’s not much of a talker.

I can tell he’s worried, though he seemed okay talking about it. Apparently, his doctor has been monitoring the value for a while now, but he’s been having some tightness in his chest and the doctor feels now is the best time to replace it. His major surgery will be planned once they get through the test tomorrow. I made the mistake of sharing the news with my cousin last night, who felt the need to tell me she was sure I was being lied to, and that she went to nursing school (never finished) and she was sure I didn’t have the correct facts and it was much worse.

Why do people do that? It’s pretty clear that I’m worried. Let’s take this one step at a time. Another case of Dr. Google!

As if that wasn’t annoying enough, the father of my children pissed me off beyond belief last night. I correct people’s grammar. It’s what I do! I’m an editor (though I make it a point not to proofread my blog because I write a stream of conscious and I choose to let it go). I do make a habit of correcting typos on Facebook to help clean-up the world of social media. My friends and family accept this about me, and even mock me about it, and I accept that lovingly.

So let’s call him Max…Max posted about the basketball game last night and the status was full of typos. I then commented that I needed a Xanax and that he was trying to send me over the edge with random apostrophes. It was a darn funny post. So what does he do? At 2AM he tells me to fuck off and that he hates me.

Seriously?!? Are we discussing the same thing? You hate me because I brought up your random use of apostrophes? I just want to be clear of the reason so when I write my tell-all novel about how I was slowly destroyed by his family I can include this tidbit. People…that IS the reason that I am a bitch! No one is more shocked that I am. I am a bitch for far better reasons that that, but that’s the best he could do!

On the health front, I’m feeling pretty good a few days after my trigger point shots. The only place I have any pain is my hip, and again, that’s manageable. I’m actually going for a massage tomorrow from that man that beat the crap out of me on my birthday. I’m really looking forward to it. If I feel up to it, I’m going to be extra mean to my class so my muscles are tight for him 🙂

 

 

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