Irrational Fear

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I don’t know whether it’s listening to all the news stories or terrorism, hate, and violence, but I’m becoming more and fearful of even normal things. I’m not sure it’s at the “I need a psychiatrist STAT” mode, but it’s enough that I check in with my kids a lot, I look around nervously when we’re in a crowd, and I lie in bed at need creating terrible scenarios in my head.

I guess I’m wondering how many people are dealing with similar issues. I don’t think I’m alone. These are scary times. I don’t want to get into a political debate but the current turmoil in our country is not helping.

If you take one look at Facebook you’ll scroll past people bashing President Trump followed by people saying horrendous things about “Libtards.” I’m wondering where we want wrong that the two sides are so far apart that we don’t even listen anymore.

I’m of the believe that 15% of the people on each side are extreme and the other 70% of us fall somewhere in the middle. While we may not agree or like Trump, we’re not pretending he isn’t president. Or while we may have strong beliefs about abortion, that doesn’t mean we can’t find common ground on other issues.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not seeing any of that at all. There’s not much in between, even at a local level. I have previously discussed the nightmare of politics in my small town. I won’t rehash it all as it’s been two years but when I attended a meeting this past week and realized things haven’t changed all that much.If thing scan’t change in a small town with so many people working for the betterment of schools and the community, how can we do it on a larger scale in the country?

But it’s not just politics that are causing my fear. I’ll be driving down the road and fear one of my cats got out and eaten by a bobcat. Or I get a strong feeling on our boat that it’s going to crash.

At the moment, I’m not stopping myself from doing things, but I’m also pretty okay staying home if I don’t need to go anywhere. I guess one could say these are irrational fears, but then I start to think, are they? There are people murdered every day. There is human trafficking, kidnapping, and so many other horrifying things going on and I’m here in my bubble.

I know enough psychology to know that my fears stem from losing people I love early in life and then again when I was a grown up. I’m afraid that something will happen to my kids and I won’t be there to protect them. How do you balance letting them grow up and holding on for dear life.

My kids are my everything. They are three very different little (not so little) human beings. My son is starting high school and I keep thinking I only have 4 more years with him at home. I’m NOT ready!

I’m not going to be a good empty-nester. I’ll be one of those women with 30 cats an a few dogs. I need to mother something! In the meantime, I need to find a way to push back the irrational (or even rational) fears standing in my way. I’m not afraid to say I’m scared. I just need to figure out some sort of plan of action (other than Xanax) when I’m a mess.

I’ll work on that. If you have better ideas, I’m happy to hear them!

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I Shouldn’t Be This Pissed Off

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Maybe I shouldn’t be, but I am pissed. It’s opening night of my daughter’s play (she’s a munchkin in the Wizard of Oz) and when does my husband get home? 5pm. That doesn’t sound so bad, does it? The play starts at 8:30, we need to be there at 7:30 to get a spot. All is good. But, no. No, he takes my other two children out on the boat to go tubing “for an hour.” Because I’m so sure that was really going to happen. Somehow I knew I’d be carrying chairs, blankets, food, and everything else into the outdoor theater…and I was right.

Let me recap. I’m sick. I have strep. I’m coughing like a maniac and using my rescue inhaler consistently every four hours. I get my daughter to practice on time, do her make-up, etc. then I lug all our crap to the line. Twenty-minutes later, someone taps me on the shoulder and says that they think my mother-in-law is trying to describe me to people who work there. Did she tell me she was coming? Of course not? Will anyone that works at the event know who the hell I am? No. My daughter is not the star of the show, she’s a munchkin. There are about 30 munchkins. I doubt most of the people who work there even know her name, let alone mine.

Long story short, a friend of my sister-in-law’s saw her and pointed her in my direction. So now I was not only lugged four fold-up chairs, and two large canvas bags with food and blankets, I now had my mother-in-law. My night just kept getting better. When we finally were allowed in and got set up, I sat down to relax because walking with, and holding the chairs was way more than I should have done. On one hand, during my two trips from the car with the chairs, I got a decent workout, but while trying to carry everything at once to the seats, it was painful.

My son called a few minutes after we got settled to inform me that I gave his dad only two tickets and they needed three. My answer: buy one at the door. There wasn’t much I could do about it at that point. We also had to go over what food I bought, which further annoyed me. Then when they arrived, I got another call that they forgot the tickets in the car so I needed to come up to the ticket stand and wait with the kids while the husband went back for the tickets. I swear his head is up his ass sometimes. So he gets back and gets in line to buy a ticket and realizes (DUH) that I DID hand him three tickets (Of course I did!).

Let’s just say he annoyed the crap out of me from 5pm on this evening, but once the show started it was all about my daughter in her 10 minutes on stage (LOL) with her headband with flowers sticking out of it. This was the first big show that she didn’t look scared. It’s a big deal, so of course I cried. I always cry…at everything. It was a good show. Perhaps I’m biased but I think they could have found some better singers for some of the lead roles. While Dorothy was a great actress, she wasn’t that great of a singer. She was good…but not fantastic. I guess I’m comparing it to when my daughter was in the Sound of Music. The girl who played Maria and the teens in that just blew me away. There seemed to be a lot of nepotism with this theater company though. The board members all had big roles like the Scarecrow and Lion, and there was a munchkin that drove a lot of us parents nuts.

She needed to be front and center for everything and was picked first for anything and everything…yep, she was the daughter of someone who worked there, too. My daughter isn’t the kid who cares about that stuff. She’s still really shy and not even raising her hand for special parts (I’m working on those pep talks), but I overheard a LOT of chatter from other parents about how upset their kids were. For my daughter, the whole thing was fun and truly, what more could I ask for? I am very proud of her.

And I’m also proud of me, because after wanted to disown my other two children due to their behavior yesterday, I can honestly say I enjoyed time with both of them today and they were so much better. As a parent, I guess it helps to know we all have those days. If you spend too much time reading Facebook there are so many phony people. I have people on my friend list that are posting like 10 pics a day all summer about how they are spending time with their kids. I don’t need to take a picture and put it on social media to show that I’m spending time with my kids. I read with my son for over an hour today. I didn’t put that in my status or take a picture for instagram.

I find myself just working hard on keeping it all together. I’m a mom of three living with an autoimmune disease. I don’t know what I’m going to feel like tomorrow and that makes planning things very difficult. It scares me, and it scares my kids at times. I don’t dwell on it too much because I’m well aware that things could always be worse–and I’m not one to tempt fate and have God show me how much worse it can be.

I guess my moral of the evening is that I think most of us are struggling to hold it together. On the outside everyone seems like they are doing great, but we all have those moments in the car where we are yelling at the kids, or panicking for what seems like no reason, or just grumpy because you feel like crap. Everyone has something going on and some of us hide it, others talk about it. There’s no right or wrong way, but today the phoniness of Facebook was bothering me so I figured I’d vent about it.

I’m really happy that you and your kids are tracing leaves and that you have the nicest husband ever. Mine was a jackass tonight, but my kids didn’t annoy me today so I’m still going to call that a win!

 

Diet: Day Two–I’m HUNGRY

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I’m hungry. I’m really hungry. I was fine until about 4pm today, and then I started to get hungry. I ate my dinner, and then I had a few pieces of mango, which is not included in my diet. Then, I had two spoonfuls of rice pudding. I’m sorry! I did it! We’re moving on. I exercised for over an hour today in class so, I’m giving myself a little break. Mango is healthy and rice pudding, well, well, it was two damn spoonfuls.

I don’t feel as well as I have been the past few days. While my energy level is still up, my allergies are terrible and I’m not sure if that is causing my headache or if I’m on the verge of a migraine. My right hip is also bothering me quite a bit today, but it’s still nothing like it was a few weeks ago in the cold weather, so I’m trying not to complain.

My 9-year-old just woke up after having a nightmare about our old dog. We had to put her down a few years ago after she was diagnosed with bone cancer at 12-years-old. She was my first baby. That dog never left my side through three miscarriages and years of infertility hell. It’s not that I don’t love our current dog, she is very sweet. She’s just not the brightest bulb if you know what I mean. Anyway, my daughter dreamed that a huge rock fell on my dog and she woke up crying.

Truth be told, she went to bed with a lot on her mind. Apparently one of the girls in her class made a “friends” list today and opted to leave my daughter off of it. My daughter has some very nice friends in the class, in fact her best friend is in the same class and said something to the girl who then said, “well, everyone always tells her she’s pretty and she’s stuck up.” Okay, let me explain something about my daughter. My oldest daughter (the one who was called stuck up) was painfully shy. She has come so far in the past few years, but in kindergarten, she didn’t speak to anyone other than one friend and the teacher for months.

She made some really nice friends in first grade, but still refused to raise her hand in class, or speak in front of the class. She was truly afraid and panicked, and I understood that, because that’s how I was as a child…heck, sometimes that’s how I am as an adult. My older daughter is my easiest child because she just seems to get along with everyone. She has a very easy going personality, and chooses friends that are really positive, nice kids. Maybe this girl misunderstand my daughter’s shyness for being stuck up, or maybe this kid is just a snot herself.

Girls are just mean. It’s funny when this kid was here for my daughter’s birthday party (for those of you that read that post, she was the one on her damn iPad all night) I told my daughter if she ever behaved like that at someone else’s house, I’d be very angry. So I think my daughter had a lot on her mind. She’s sound asleep next to me at the moment.

This parenting stuff is hard! There are no rule books when you want to call another mom and tell her child off…of course that would be inappropriate, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have the urge to do it.

I think for the first time in a while I might pop a half an Ambien and put an ice pack on the back of my head. I was going to get into the story of how my friend deleted me on Facebook again…oh heck, it’s a quick one. Refer back to this post about my friend who thinks my blog is a bad idea.  We hadn’t talked much since that day. We exchanged a few texts or Facebook messages, but usually when we have any sort of argument he deletes me as his Facebook friend. About four or five years ago when we were really close, this would upset me because at the time I was really trying to help him and his kids through a rough time, and he knows just what to say to set me off.

For whatever reason, after this argument he didn’t delete me, and things just went on as normal. We weren’t mad at each other, or at least I wasn’t really mad at him anymore, but I also didn’t have any real desire to hang out or anything like that. I enjoyed seeing his posts regarding the kids, etc. Anyway, the day after the wedding last week when I was feeling like a turquoise sausage he messaged me, and I snapped at him about not wanting to discuss how fat I looked. Okay, it probably was uncalled for, and he never had called me ugly, but I was having a really low moment.

When I went back a day or two later to send a quick note to say, I was sorry and I didn’t mean to snap, I realized he unfriended me. My usual M.O. is to ignore it, but because I knew I snapped at him, I sent him a note asking him why he deleted me. I’m sure that in itself shocked him. When he made some comment about how he didn’t have time in his life for me to be mean to him, I did apologize and explain that I was really having a tough moment and took it out on him. Anyway, he accepted my apology, and we moved forward. I did get in a “keep in touch” and that made me laugh because it’s just nonsense.

So in the spirit of getting rid of toxic friends, perhaps he got rid of me, and I’m tossing out a few people that have been driving me nuts lately and choosing to surround myself with positive people. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle. It’s perfectly okay to have a day or two (or more) where you aren’t okay. But, I am choosing to try and be positive as much as I can about my life. Some days it sucks, but I realize how much I have to be thankful for, and one of the three biggest reasons is sound asleep next to me.

It’s funny when you put all the petty bullshit aside and focus on what really matter, life gets somewhat easier. My family and my health, then my friends and my job. My cats obviously factor in there, and we can’t forget about Brutus! Have a good night.

 

 

 

 

Not Quite a Stage Mom…Yet

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I crack up when I watch those shows about the dance moms. After the second year of my older daughter performing in the Nutcracker, I’ve seen my share of those mothers, but the play and drama parents are very different.

I have to say that there is such a spirit of community with The Sound of Music play that my daughter is in. I think I only saw one mom who could compare to the dance moms. Overall, it’s been a good experience for my daughter, who had a fear of being up in front of people. She’s decided that she likes it, and wants to do a theater camp. Look for me to become a stage mom very soon!

I sat through the show again this afternoon, and volunteered watching the children’s ensemble in the back room when they weren’t on stage (which was 95% of the show). It was a really long say, and I’ve been having some issues with low blood sugar. I should have eaten lunch before the 1pm show, but I was in a rush. By intermission I was shaking and beginning a terrible headache. Luckily, I was able to eat something and I felt a little better.

I blew the diet to hell by munching on a Kit Kat, and then taking the girls to McDonald’s for a quick meal between shows. I’m sure a Quarter Pounder with Cheese is not on ANY healthy diet plan, but it’s done, and I’ll deal with it tomorrow.

My swelling was not as bad as yesterday, but my hands and feet are still hurting. I’m just plain tired at this point. I think I’ll actually fall asleep on my own before 1AM. I’m trying not to be stressed about my son being at a sleepover tonight. I think I am just very overprotective and overly concerned when it comes to my son. Socially, he’s a little awkward. He’s got a great heart and a fabulous sense of humor (he gets that from his mom), but I think he tries to hard with friends.

I’m hoping for the best and trying not to stress about it. Him being gone means all of the cats sleep with me, so it’s a bit of a treat. My big cat is very attached to my son and follows him everywhere. I only get attention when my son is at school. So my Cheeto is snuggling with me tonight!

I need to keep up this fast paced me for one more day, actually two more. I have the play again tomorrow and then a busy day on Monday. Is it wrong that I’m already planning a nap for Tuesday?