Where the Hell Is Spring?

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It’s April 16th…and it’s sleeting. Last year during spring break it was 85 degrees. We had one nice day in the 70s and now we’re back to cold, windy…and SLEET! WTF! For anyone who has rheumatoid arthritis, you know this is the worst type of weather. The damp, cold. It’s awful. My hands and feet ache, my back is stiff and even my knee hurts, which is odd for me.

I need some warmth. We aren’t going anywhere for spring break and it’s not going to be a nice week, which translates to a week of my kids telling me they are bored in the house.

We’ll figured something out to do, but let’s face it…it’s not Aruba or the Dominican Republic.

I’m almost feeling depressed today. I’m in a bit of a funk and I know the weather had something to do with it, but I’m sick of not feeling good enough in several aspects of my life. I’m sure living with an autoimmune disease plays into it. No one sets out thinking hooray, I hope to get one of those! I hate that I have to slow down sometimes. I hate that I think I’m huge. I hate that sometimes I need a nap for seemingly no reason, but my body is crashing and I don’t have a choice.

It’s tough to explain to people. I end up feeling lazy if I need to lie down. There are always a million things I could be doing, but when it’s that kind of exhaustion just hits and I’ve found if I push through, I end up making it worse.

I keep telling myself I’ll cheer up with the sun and the warmth but to be honest, I am not sure that will happen. I’m scared it won’t. My kids are at a stage of life where they are super busy and I’m constantly on the go driving them to this activity or that. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am already fearing for the day I don’t have anyone to drive around.

I guess I’ll allow the funk for a bit and then pick myself up. I don’t feel sorry for myself very often and I know I have things very good in comparison to many others. I have some days with no pain. They aren’t often, but they happen and for the most part my pain is manageable. I’m trying to count my blessings tonight as I’m watching my hands swell. This week has got to get have some bright moments. It just has to.

 

 

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I Feel a Migraine Coming

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Those of you who get migraines know exactly what it means to feel one coming. While I know everyone is different, for me it starts with trails of light as I move my eyes. I don’t have the pain at this point, but I know it’s coming.

While we’ve had a little reprieve from the freezing cold weekend, we are getting a little bit of snow tonight and a lot more is coming our way on Saturday. While I can definitely relate my migraines to hormonal changes (period week is hell), I find that the pressure with storms really affects me.

The more I read about and talk to people with fibromyalgia, migraines are a common thread for many of us. While my fibro and rheumatoid arthritis cause me a lot of pain, nothing compares to a migraine. When it’s bad, I can’t function at all. I’m useless as a mom, editor, parent advocate, etc. Just plain useless.

I’m hoping to head this migraine off by taking some Excedrin. I don’t want to pull out the Maxalt just yet. I’m like a crazy person. I feel like I have to hoard those for horrific migraine days. I didn’t take Melatonin earlier tonight because I thought I’d be exhausted. I was up late editing last night, and I worked a full day at the office today. That means no time for a quick nap or a cuddle with my cats.

One new thing I’ve been trying is essential oils. I know there are a lot of great companies out there, but since I have no idea what I need or want, I bought a sample pack on Amazon. No idea even what brand they are, but I love them. I use the peppermint when I have a headache coming on, lemongrass just makes me feel happy, lavender to help sleep, and then there are a few others. I only bring this up because of the migraine issue. If you haven’t tried peppermint oil, it’s worth a shot.

While it doesn’t take the place of medication (sorry, I wish I could say it did), I do feel a noticeable difference when I put it on my temples. A friend just told me about a certain blend that is good for fibro. I’ll report back on that if I buy it. It’s from doTerra, which is supposed to have wonderful products, but they are pricey.

Why I’m a Crab Today

I think I’m crabby because even though it wasn’t a bad day, I just don’t feel great. I hate to complain when I know I have days where my pain level is far worse, but it’s exhausting just not feeling great. I can’t remember the last time I woke up and felt refreshed by a good night’s sleep. Heck, even on a great Ambien night of sleep I still wake up exhausted.

Maybe BLAH is a better word. I’m blah because I haven’t had a day without a freakin ache in so long. I’ve been under my heated blanket since 5:30pm and my fingers are still like icicles (thanks Raynaud’s). So there, that’s tonight’s post. I’m blah and I hate it.

Tomorrow begin my weight loss journey with Ideal Shape. I don’t want to bore anyone, but I feel like if I hold myself accountable on the blog, maybe I won’t eat a bag of cookies or chocolates. I’m actually excited even though I technically started smaller portions and cleaner eating on Monday (we are going to ignore the Pepperidge Farm cookies I scarfed down when I got home from work).

Worst case scenario, tomorrow night I’ll be reporting back that the shakes were horrid. Best case, I’ll like them and feel full between the shakes, snacks, and drinking way more water than usual. They want you to take your weight and divide it in half, and that is the amount of water you should be drinking each day.

Hopefully, I can do that! We’ll see. I just want this extra weight off in time for summer.

Oh and to finish up, I was invited by the women who work at the pediatrician’s office to see 50 Shades of Grey. What the hell was I thinking when I said yes. I didn’t even make it a quarter of the way through the book…they lost me at “butt plug” and the whole contract thing. I know I said I was making an effort to be more social, and they are all super nice, but dear lord…I wasn’t planning on seeing that one. Should be interesting. I’m either going to cancel for fear of not knowing anyone, or pop a half a Xanax and force myself to go!

Before I admit that the half an Ambien is kicking in, I just wanted to say hello and thank you for all the new blog followers. Thank you Goddess Simmons Drew for sharing the blog on your FB group. Connecting with people that understand what it’s like to have an autoimmune disease and the crazy roller coaster it is, has made a world of difference to me. We’re not alone.

Another Bump in the Road

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I’m not in a good mood today. I’m not sure when it went bad, but I think it was when I received a letter from the endocrinologist saying that the male factor hormones that they tested were all in the normal range. Elevated androgens are a sign of polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I still have every symptom of the disease, including the most important one of the highly cystic ovaries.

I suppose I could have had a normal result because I’m on the birth control pill and that could be helping to regulate those hormones, but it doesn’t change the rest of my symptoms. So what’s really bothering me? I’m afraid to walk into that office next Tuesday and hear that there is nothing wrong, and that they just don’t have a reason for the weight gain and other symptoms.

I gave up hope that I was going to hear that I don’t have rheumatoid arthritis weeks ago. When I self-diagnosed hypothyroid, I thought the muscle and joint pain might be caused by that. The endo was clear when he shot that theory down. I suppose the newest plan is to hear what he has to say on Tuesday, and then going back to the rheumatologist to start plaquenil again before it gets really cold and my joints get worse.

In the past week my hip, legs and feet have been stiff and painful. My hands have been experiences the neuropathy symptoms with the painful pins and needless and numbness. Who knew numbness would be painful? Believe me, it is! The colder weather also brings out my Raynaud’s, which just adds to the pain.

I’m frustrated tonight because I am still here with no answers and now I’ve already decided that the endo is going to say there is nothing wrong and to exercise more. I haven’t really been hungry at all lately. I’ve hardly had a snack and my meals have all been healthy. In my depression today, I opened the damn bag of Halloween candy and had 4 KitKats. Do I regret it? No! They were delicious.

The highlight of my day was at a clinic meeting for my son at school. They set up monthly clinics to stay on top of his progress after they fucked up on his IEP (Individualized Education Program) last year. He receives special education services for dyslexia and comprehension issues. My son can be a big pain in the ass when it comes to getting his services, mostly because he’s so afraid of looking different or standing out. I do understand that, but I’m trying to explain the harder he works now with comprehension and reading strategies, the less time overall he’ll need to go to resource.

Anyway, what a wonderful meeting. Each of his teachers wrote up really nice things about what a good student, and hard worker he is. Both is science teacher and his literacy teacher noted that he does struggle with writing, but both said he is working really hard and seeing them during his free periods for extra help. It was one of those meetings that you just can’t help but smile. I know school isn’t easy for my son, but at one point this semester he had straight As. He now has a B in Spanish, and that’s completely fine. He’s working his butt off, and I think (I hope) he’s also proud of himself.

I have a lot to be happy about, but I’m just not tonight. I’m blue and sad. Not sad enough to cry about anything, but with the exception of my kids, this just isn’t the life I thought I’d have. And, I don’t know whether it’s best to accept that I now have limitations, or try and find help to work through them.

I don’t talk about it with friends. I used to talk about it and my insecurities about it with my friend (the one who is no longer a friend). He was actually a good listener for a long time. The thing is, it went both ways as I was always a good listener to him…and he had no shortage of drama. When he told me that he didn’t want to hear that I didn’t feel well or was in pain anymore, it really hit me. Even my friends don’t get it. Of course, I have way more polite friends than him–many of whom ask how I’m doing and really want to know. Ok, maybe not many, but definitely a few. That one conversation though, made me re-examine how much I was talking about it.

I never thought that I was talking about it 24/7, but when he asked, I would tell him if I was in pain, etc. But, because someone pointed out that I was talking about it too much, I think I shut down. I don’t want to be Debbie Downer. I love to laugh and have fun. I smile and laugh more with my kids than I do anywhere else. I truly enjoy them (even when they are beasts). I thought there was a balance, and now I’m not so sure. I don’t bring it up unless people ask, except on this blog, of course. This is my place to vent and talk about my autoimmune issues and if anyone is annoyed they can simply stop reading.

I just wondered if anyone else has had a friend or family member tell them they are too focused on their illness. I always joke that I’m a hermit and not a people-person, and things like that are the reason why. I don’t want to open up and be shut down by someone.

I hope you all are having a pain free night!

Is It Depression or a Funk

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It could be a bout of depression. It could be a funk, but it also could be that I’m irritated. I have been feeling better. My wrist is a lot better than it was the other day, and my pain level is very low. All in all, health-wise, I’m doing okay. I’m just still so tired. I fell asleep on a webinar last night and then heard them call my name and ask me to do tell the group about myself. Luckily, I wasn’t so far asleep that I didn’t hear my name, but it took me a moment to snap to it and answer.

The irritation comes in because yesterday someone asked me some questions about autism. I explained that it’s a very wide spectrum and while low-functioning, non-verbal children would likely stand out in a crown, there are so many kids with Asperger’s or that are high functioning ASD that the average person might not even be able to tell. I should know better than to discuss disabilities with this person, and I’m not even sure what prompted his question, but he responded with, “Don’t you think some parents just don’t want to admit that their kids are stupid?”

First of all, I’d never call any child stupid. I think there are plenty of stupid adults. Adults know what they are doing when they make stupid choices (or at least most of them do).  Mu thought was what kind of asshole asks a question like that. I responded with, “Well, there are neurologists and neuropsychologists that diagnose autism, but it’s possible you know more than them.”

Working with families that have children with all sorts of special needs, I hear many stories. No two children are alike even with the same disability. Two of my own children have dyslexia and they learn in completed different way. My son has difficulty with comprehension, and my daughter has trouble decoding. It is technically the same disability, but they couldn’t be more different.

So that set me off. But today is a new day and I just went for my last day of bloodwork. I took the steroid last night and this morning’s test for for the cortisol level. I’m just praying that they find some answers. The next hurdle is that I have to wait until my appointment on November 4th for some answers. That just plain sucks. I think that’s what has gotten me down the most. I just want so freakin answers. It’s frustrating to have different specialists disagree on my autoimmune diagnosis, and now it seems that after taking the more cautionary route of diagnosing me, my newer rheumatologist agrees that I not only have fibromyalgia but rheumatoid arthritis.

I really had my hopes up that it was a thyroid issue because that may have even changed the fibro and RA diagnosis because one of the big symptoms with thyroid issues is muscle and joint pain. Of course I ran with that and diagnosed myself with hypothyroid. It’s dumb I know…but if you had one shred of hope that you didn’t have RA, wouldn’t you at least dream about how great that would be. It was a bit of a reality check that these autoimmune issues aren’t going anywhere forever.

There won’t be a winter where my hands don’t turn white and blueish from Raynaud’s. There won’t be a day where I don’t have more than the average ache or pain. It sucks. But right now, I need to focus on some kind of PCOS diagnosis, as I already knew I had that from my days with infertility, but I just never saw it being an issue in my life again after conceiving. It’s just one more thing to add to the list, and that one isn’t even under the umbrella of autoimmune. I take a look at myself and this, holy crap is this 42? What am I going to be like at 52 or 72?

I’ll cheer up eventually. Perhaps stopping at Starbucks on the way home for an iced green tea will make everything better. It can’t hurt!

 

 

Happy Children Equal Happy Mom

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Today is the day. The day I spent waiting for the phone to ring with our Nutcracker results. The call came in at 10:50 and like any neurotic mom, I answered on the first ring, trying to sound casual. The results were in! My older daughter is a Lead Angel (a newly created role) and a Ginger Clown, and my younger daughter is a Scurry Mouse and an Angel. My younger daughter got exactly what she was hoping for. My older daughter didn’t get the roles she was hoping for, but I had a feeling she was going to be excited because I knew the main thing was she wanted to be in something other than the Battle scene this year.

She was a soldier and an angel last year, so she was so excited to be named a lead angel, even though we have know idea what a lead angel does, and the ginger clowns get to run and be silly, and I have a feeling she got that because she did a really great cartwheel as her audition trick and a lot of the ginger clowns do cartwheels. So, thankfully, there was a lot of happiness and joy in my house this afternoon!

My niece is also a Scurry Mouse and an Angel, which is, well…I guess good. The girls are happy. I just think of the Nutcracker as my thing to do with my girls. I’m bitchy that way. The in-laws always hated the Nutcracker until my niece did it. My mother-in-law fell asleep during my older daughter’s first performance. I had to tell my husband to wake her up before my daughter went on stage.

I wish I can say I kept to my workout regimen and did some cardio today, but I did teach a really tough class with a lot of lunges. I just didn’t have the energy to do cardio today. I’ll get back on it tomorrow with a long walk, and possibly attempt the hills again since my shins seemed better today. I did a lot of shin warmups and stretches.

Tonight is significantly colder than it has been the past few nights. I bought myself a new heated throw blanket, but I haven’t put it on the bed yet. I have my heating pad in my low back, and I used it on my hands this morning. I’m managing. I just feel like I can’t stand saying that. I’m managing. Is that the way you get through the day, too? I mean, it’s not that I never have a good day. I have good days, but I don’t remember the last time I had a completely pain-free day. It comes down to whether the pain is manageable or not.

I can see where people with autoimmune diseases like rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, lupus, etc. suffer from depression. It’s not easy feeling like crap day-in and day-out. I mean, I have days where I’m thinking, wow–I’m good enough to go for a long walk, but that doesn’t mean my hands aren’t hurting or my hip isn’t bothering me. It just means the pain isn’t so severe that I can’t do anything. I think that’s where most people get confused. First of all, it all goes back to the fact that people with autoimmune issues look fine, for the most part (unless I’m using my flamingo cane!). On the average day I may have a small limp, but it’s unlikely anyone would really notice.

I don’t discuss my RA, Raynaud’s or fibro 24/7. I blog here to get my autoimmune thoughts out, but I don’t discuss it all day. The real reason behind that is so few people really understand anyway. I have my Facebook support groups, and people that I know who are dealing with autoimmune issues, but other than that, people sympathize, but they don’t really get it.

I didn’t intend to have an autoimmune rant tonight, but that’s kind of what this has turned into. Sorry about that. Sometimes you just need to let it out. I think I was more let down by my own body yesterday when I wanted to jog and I could hardly walk the track. Tomorrow is a new day. I had a lot of positives today and I’m so thankful for that. Happy kids equal a very happy mom! It meant the world to see my girls so thrilled about their Nutcracker roles. Everything else was secondary.

Today Sucked!

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I should have stayed in bed today. From the moment I woke up and was told I was the meanest mom ever because my son had a haircut appointment today, I should have known it wasn’t going to be a good one. My son and I have been having this dumb argument about his hair. I’m not opposed to longer hair. I really don’t care about stuff like that, but his hair is so thick and it grows in bush-like. He needs a trim and a style otherwise it looks like a big mop. Does he agree with me? Of course not, I’m his mother!

It’s been a tough few days in general with family stuff. The kids go back to school tomorrow and getting my son’s schedule set was kind of a fiasco. Everything seems to be in order. He went and found his classes today and met a few teachers. I’ve heard terrible things about two of them, but I’m trying to be open minded and take things as they come. The girls both seem to have good teachers, but neither one of them know kids in their class. For my older daughter, it’s a big issue and I know she’s stressed about tomorrow. I did arrange a little play date at a park with one girl that she kind of knows who is in the class, and they seemed to get along well, so I think that helped.

The little one…well, I’m more worried about what’s going to come out of her mouth. For instance tonight we were at Target picking up at prescription (she woke up covered in hives…just an added bonus to my busy day). She was explaining to the pharmacy team that Elsa was her favorite character from Frozen and her favorite Disney character ever. She went on to say she liked all the characters from Frozen except Hans, because he was a butt face. The whole pharmacy team and everyone in line erupted in laughter, and I wanted to die. She has no censor. I suppose it could have been worse!

My son also had to have his 11-year-old vaccines today. It was like Sophia Loren’s Oscar reel. I don’t mean to sound callous. I sat with him for two hours calming him down and talking him through his anxiety, then I needed to tell him to pull it together because we were going in. The shots were nothing, but I didn’t know he had to have his finger pricked. That was bad. But like 5 minutes after the finger prick, you would have thought he had been stabbed. He was doubled over, crying that it hurt and that the nurse who did it was a terrible person. He wanted me to have the nurse fired. It was pathetic and I was exhausted.

Somehow I will get everyone on the bus tomorrow, and I pray that they all have a good day.

I got all my blood test back and I’m disappointed to say they really didn’t show anything except an extreme Vitamin D deficiency. So I’m taking Vitamin D, but you can’t tell me that’s causing all my issues. I didn’t want there to be anything huge wrong, but I wanted a reason that I feel like a zombie. I could sleep all day. Today was my first day without a nap in weeks and it was such a struggle. And then it happened…someone said to me, “you really need to figure out what’s wrong with you.”

Really? I mean, REALLY? I got uppity. I have three autoimmune diseases that I know of. I have rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia, and Raynaud’s. None of them go away. There are no cures for them. There’s no vitamin or magic pill that takes away all the symptoms. If there was such a thing, every other commercial on television wouldn’t be dedicated to things like Lyrica, Cymbalta, Enbrel, and other drugs used to treat arthritis and chronic pain. These drugs treat the symptoms. They aren’t a cure. it’s so frustrating to have to explain that to people you know.

The other thing that’s really got me annoyed today is gossiping. I feel almost like if I tell the story I’m gossiping, but since there are no names, etc. and I am saying minimal details, I feel like I can vent a little. A neighbor of mine was arrested for driving drunk the other night. She had her children in the car. It’s a terrible thing, and there are no excuses for putting your children at risk. I’m not making excuses for her, in fact, I hardly know her. Her son is a good friend of my son’s, and he is one of the kindest kids I know. So I just think you can’t get a super kind and polite kid if you’re a complete jerk. She has to be doing something right.

Anyway, our small town has taken to gossip and nastiness and I just feel sad. Obviously the woman has a problem, and if I gave the details you’d realize it seems like it is more than perhaps leaving a party after having one too many. If she has a problem than she needs help, not nasty people. I just think instead of reaching out to help a person at their low point, people find it easier to look down on them. For what it’s worth, I sent her an email. I didn’t really know what to say…I mean what do you say? But, I said if she needed anything or help with the kids, to please let me know.

So I guess my thought for the day is if you have the option to show someone compassion, do it. A lot of times people don’t show us compassion with our autoimmune issues, and I know it’s not the same thing, so please don’t jump down my throat here. I’m not comparing. She made a VERY poor choice and we didn’t choose to have an autoimmune disease. But I think compassion is a choice that anyone can have. I’m choosing compassion.

Crying for No Reason

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Did you ever want to cry for no reason? I mean nothing is really wrong. My kids are fine…I’m counting down the days until they go back to school, but that’s only because they are bickering all the time. They are healthy and happy. Work is going really well. I know I’m overwhelmed that my house is a mess and that I have a lot to do before school starts, but I don’t cry when I’m overwhelmed, nor do I want to.

So this is my dilemma tonight. I got home from my son’s football practice and I feel sad. For once I’m not stressing about how my son is doing at a sport. He actually seems to be doing quite well. Don’t get me wrong, he’s no star player, but last year he had a fear in him of being tackled or tackling someone. Since he did wrestling last winter (against every fiber of my being) he lost that fear of falling and being knocked down. I actually think that will really help him in football, and most of all he seems happy. That’s half the battle because he’s very dramatic, not on the field, but when he gets home.

There’s a mom there that I don’t particularly like. I have been nicely avoiding her and that’s been working okay for both of us. I don’t say this about many people, but she’s a nut job. We used to play Bunco in a group once a month and when it was my turn to host she showed up crying, brought her daughter’s IEP–for those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s an Individualized Education program for special education, not something people usually bring to Bunco. Most people bring wine or a dessert. Anyway, her conversation went from cry about her daughter, which I listened to for an hour, to discussing douching, to discussing her husband’s anatomy and what she was going to do to him when she got home. Now I’m not sure about your get-togethers in your neighborhood, but the rest of us stood there stunned.

No one knew what to say so the subject was quickly changed and she just didn’t get the hint making sexual innuendos for the rest of the evening. So that was strike one for crazy lady. Strike two was that her child, a daughter with special needs and my son did not hit it off. We tried to deal with it nicely and keep them away from each other in the classroom, but her daughter told the class that she and my son were dating. I’ve mentioned several times that my son has a tough time fitting in to begin with. Add to that that now he’s”dating” a girl in fourth grade that he doesn’t even like and he’ starts really getting made fun of. So he unkindly, told her to shut up and get away from him. ould he have handled it better? Yep! Should he have handled it kinder? Yep! Did he get in trouble? Yep!

BUT..the mom went on to tell everyone who would listen that her daughter was now afraid of my son because he HIT her. Funny because there were three teachers in the room and 20 students, all of whom were interviewed and NONE of them saw him hit her. My son says dumb things to fit in. I’ll be the first to tell you that, but he’s not a violent kid. He’s never hit anyone at school…aside from picking on his sisters. The principal told me that because the mom made the complaint she had to call me, but that all evidence showed that nothing happened and that the girl kept changing her story. She said my son looked genuinely upset when he was asked if he hit her and said he’d never hit her. He copped right away to saying he told her to shut up and get away from him, but that’s it. I don’t have rose colored glasses. My son did not like this girl and I really tried to get him to calm down about it. She has autism and didn’t understand his personal space and for a child like my son who has his own battles with social issues, it was a bad fit.

Anyway, I haven’t seen her since, but other moms have told me she hasn’t let it go. It’s been two years…can I get a Let It Go? So that irked me, not enough to make me cry, though.

It’s silly to think something like Robin Williams’ death would leave such a cloud over me, but I really think it has. He was such a part of my growing up. It’s a huge memory of mine watching Mork & Mindy with my Mom and Step Father and brother. All of us together as a family. We brought him into our homes and he made us laugh every week. I love the things I’ve learned about him behind the scenes that he took the time to get to know the interns and crews on the sets, etc. He seemed like a good man inside and out. Reading what his daughter said just endeared me to him more. I’m sad that he might have done this because of Parkinson’s and all the gossip that goes along with it. I’m sick of hearing that he’s a coward. I don’t believing in judging what you don’t know.

I think that is the thought that should carry over into daily life. Don’t judge what you don’t know. One of the best actors in my daughter’s play was playing a very eccentric role on the man behind the door at Oz. He was fantastic and hilarious. But as soon as my mother-in-law and sister-in-law saw him they didn’t smile once and enjoy his role. Why? Because they thought he was gay? Was he eccentric on stage? Yes. Was he backstage? Not at all. He was one of the nicest cast members I met. Guess what though, it didn’t and wouldn’t matter to me if he was gay or not. That kid had talent. Isn’t that what a show is about.

I’m all over the place tonight…still not able to cry. I kind of want to. I miss my mom and it’s not a good time for that. I feel like I need to plan that around anniversaries of her death and her birthday, but I miss her today. I was watching my daughter’s voice lesson and thinking, she’d be thrilled. Who knows. Maybe I’ll schedule some time to cry tomorrow and it will come out. So far nothing has happened but I’m feeling blue.

 

RIP Robin Williams

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I was so sad to hear of Robin Williams’ passing today, but even more sad to learn that it was suicide. I knew he had struggled with drugs and depression, but it’s hard to understand how someone can seem to have everything and still feel alone and depressed. It reminded me very much of autoimmune diseases in that depression is its own invisible illness, and its one that so many people just don’t understand. While I have periods of feeling depressed, I struggle more with anxiety than depression, and I certainly have never felt so low as to contemplate suicide.

A person has to be in tremendous pain to feel that suicide is the best or only option. There are people online saying how selfish it is, and I get that. Yes, it is a selfish choice that leaves others behind with questions and unspeakable grief, but think of what kind of pain the person had to be in to want to take their life away. Obviously it’s more than just being upset or going through a lot. It’s clinical depression and it’s way beyond the scope of what most people can comprehend. My heart goes out to his family and I’m just finding myself feeling so sad for him tonight. He brought so much laughter and light into people’s lives and most of them never knew how badly he was suffering.

I remember when I was a kid we’d all watch Mork and Mindy as a family. He was fantastic. He just got better and better, but you can go back and watch one of those re-runs today you can see that raw talent–his ability to take a scene and run with it. He was an amazing talent and I’m finding myself feeling very sad about his passing tonight.

As for my, physically I’m not in my best shape. Little by little over the last few days my lower back and hips have started to tighten up. I have been waking up very stiff and ending the day the same way. I could hardly keep my eyes open this afternoon and ended up needing to lay down for a nap. I think my late nights at The Wizard of Oz are catching up with me. I’ve also still been fighting this sore throat on and off. It’s not bad enough to call the doctor. It kind of comes and goes, but it’s just enough to annoy me now and then…and yes, I’m still coughing.

I do have an appointment with the rheumatologist either Friday or Monday. Isn’t that pathetic. That’s how crazy life has been. I seriously need to call the office tomorrow and confirm which day my appointment is on and what time. I need to start using my phone for these things. I swear Siri hates my guts. I even asked her one day and she told me I was being irrational. I can’t stand her or that darn phone. Whenever I need something she says she’s sorry she can’t help me at the moment or she gives me some crap from Wikipedia that has nothing to do with what I needed. So much for being a smart phone!

Tomorrow I intend to teach my class and then get some work done around the house. After that I’m resting. I know my kids won’t be thrilled but they need to catch up on summer reading anyway. My son is way behind. My youngest daughter has been a bit of a pill lately, and I’m not sure what to do about it. Whenever I tell her no, she pouts and throw a fit and I’m not the type of mom that puts up with that crap. She’s been getting in a lot of trouble but nothing seems to be sinking in.

I have to figure out a new way to get through to her. I will figure that out tomorrow. I’ll put that on my To-Do list right after my nap!

Losing My Voice and Possibly My Mind

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I don’t think I’m getting sick. I mean I don’t feel like I’m sick. I feel like I’m getting an RA or fibro flare. I can’t really tell the difference with the exception the I think my RA flare tend to affect my hips and hands more and my fibro flares I feel more through my shoulders and muscles. Either way I start to feel rundown and achy. I’m not sure with the scratchy voice comes into the mix. i don’t have a sore throat so it could just be allergies, but I’m sounding a bit like Bonnie Tyler (and all the early twenty-somethings are asking who??).

I got to sleep in today, which was nice. I went out with some friends last night to play Bunco and had a few drinks for the first time in almost a year. I am not a drinker, mostly because I don’t like the taste of alcohol, but also because wine gives me migraines. The friend hosting Bunco made this fruity concoction with Limoncello and something else with strawberries and raspberries and it tasted like fruity lemonade. After three glasses I was very thankful I wasn’t driving, even if it was less than a mile down the road.

I truly needed the night out after this long week. I am finding myself so angry at people, and now I’m at a point where I’m questioning if lowering my Celexa was the right decision. I’m not going to say I haven’t had a lot on my plate. If you’ve been reading this blog you know I had a whole lot to deal with my son’s IEP and his school, and now there’s some bullying issues, which turned a whole lot worse when I heard a few things that have been happening on the bus, and trying to make ends meet is a constant struggle. Like every other parent in the world, I’m crazy running around from one activity to another, trying to squeeze in homework, dinner, haircuts, projects, etc. There are only so many hours in a day, and as much as I hate to admit it I’m not Super Mom. Add to that the fact that I’m a mom with an autoimmune disease that doesn’t know how she’s going to feel from one day to the next and go ahead and try and plan a week.

It’s not easy. But we do it! We make the best of it. I know I’m not the only one. I’ve heard from many of you through this blog, and honestly, that keeps me going. It helps more than you know to hear that other people are doing this, too. Of course, I’m not thrilled to hear others are struggling, but you get the idea.

About a month ago, my doctor lowered my Celexa in an effort to see if that was causing some of the weight gain. I’m only on 10mg, and I believe the average dose is 40mg. I was only on 40mg for about 6 months, then I went back to 20mg. I’m not sure it had anything at all to do with my weight, but I do see myself snapping a lot more now that it’s lowered. I think I handled stress and anxiety better at the 20mg. It’s something I need to think about and call my doctor about this week as I need a refill. I think a lot will depend on the scale on Tuesday. Of course, I’m sure the snacking and three drinks blew the diet again last night, but I was very good again today.

I am hopeful that tomorrow and Monday I can get out for a walk. Today brought back those painful pins and needles in my feet. It’s been a little while since I have had them. I was sitting at my son’s baseball game, which they bombed by the way, and my daughter wanted to run to the car to get a water and I couldn’t even go with her. I don’t think I can ever get used to that feeling. It’s like sharp little needles jabbing into the bottom of my feet. Not fun!

The rest of the day was just status quo. No real excitement other than grocery shopping and spending some time with my girls. Tomorrow is my son’s first playoff game so if you could send a few positive vibes his way for a spectacular hit, that would be awesome. The team is having a two game slump, and they need to make a comeback. I’m worried about tomorrow. Then again, when don’t I worry!

Still Crabby…And Afraid of My Scale

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You read that correctly! I’m afraid of my scale. Tomorrow is the big day. I’ve spent one full week on Take Shape for Life/MediFast and the last time I stepped on the scale was last Tuesday morning. Technically, I started the diet a week ago today, but I forgot to weight myself that morning and ended up weighing myself on Tuesday.

So tomorrow morning, first thing, I need to get on the scale. Oh it’s going to suck. Why? Because I’m not sure how I did. I stuck to the plan. I didn’t even mind the plan (with the exception of the god-awful mac & cheese). I’ve enjoyed the foods, and I don’t feel hungry. In terms of being easy to do, it’s working for me, but tomorrow will tell if it’s working for me in terms of the pounds, and that’s what really matters.

I will get discouraged if I only lost one pound, or if heaven forbid, I gained weight. I truly didn’t stray from the plan with the exception of one Chips Ahoy cookie this weekend. It was staring me down on the kitchen table and I caved. It was one. I ate it, and moved on!

I told my coach today, it’s almost easier not knowing how much I lost because I feel like if I didn’t lose a lot of enough, I’ll lose my motivation. Part of the problem is that with this plan they don’t want to you do heavy exercise for the first few weeks because of the reduces calorie diet. On the days I teach classes, my coach has me eating extra servings of protein and calories to compensate for what I’m burning off in class. So there you have it, I’m scared.

So to sum up today’s two blogs, I’m depressed and scared. Pretty darn good day, huh! I snapped out of the depression a bit. My daughter came home and apologized for our argument and told me how much she loved me. We had a good took about her fears about singing and decided that we’d talk to her voice coach about some strategies to help with her nerves.

My son is lucky he survived the day after he took a Sharpie to my youngest daughter’s doll. He had to cough up $40 from his own bank to pay for another one for her. I was so angry and disappointed in him for doing something do mean. I really don’t think he even understood just how mean it was until he saw her crying. That was super fun to deal with.

There’s just been a lot going on. So many things weighing on me, culminating with my son’s special education PPT on Wednesday morning—the first PPT ever that I will be bringing an advocate. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I have the upper hand, but it’s still nerve-racking. The good news is, the advocate I’m bring with me is so knowledgeable and calm, I know I’m in good hands.

I just think the stress is wreaking havoc on my autoimmune system. My body is shutting down and I’m feeling exhausted and flu-ish. I’m not sick. I’m just achy and rundown. Exactly the way I feel at the start of a flare, minus the pain. I have some stiffness, but other than some leg pain, there really isn’t any extreme pain; just aches.

This too shall pass. Hopefully I’ll have time for another nap tomorrow and that will help!

 

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