It’s a Full On Flare

sleepy-kitten-cute-kittens-9835304-450-301

I went to bed with a stiff lower back and woke up with it, too. The problem is it got worse and worse as the day went on. I was at a tutoring session with my client who has autism and my feet were throbbing and my hands were in so much pain.

By the time I got home, I was so exhausted that I fell asleep on the couch while my kids amused themselves and took care of the pup. By 6pm my feet were so swollen I retired to the couch where I have been planning my Easter meal ever since. I’m having all of my in-laws over. There were years where that would stress me out terribly, but sometime around 4 or 5 years ago, I stopped caring so much.

I’m not mean, in fact, I’d go out of my way to help any of them, but I don’t think they truly like me that much. We’re at least at a point where spending an afternoon together is no longer my personal hell. They were rough…to the point where my husband’s best friends told me I had the worst in-laws they had ever seen. Yay me!!

My husband has two sisters and he was the first to get married. Strike one was that I’m not Irish…not even a tiny bit Irish. And, I won’t even get into the whole wedding fiasco and aftermath. There was a time where my mother-in-law was very hurtful to me, whether she truly intended it or not. But, in the past few years we’ve done a lot (both of us) to get along. It’s a much nicer relationship.

One of my sister-in-laws drives me a bit over the edge. She relies on my 11-year-old son to watch her 4-year-old boys. They are very political…at least he is and she follows. I’m more of a liberal when it comes to social issues. I believe gay people should be able to get married, I’m pro-choice, I believe in gun control, though I do appreciate the second amendment.

Living 5 minutes away from Sandy Hook school and the horrific mass shooting that occurred there, I have strong believes that high number magazine clips should be banned, as well as those types of assault weapons. If you are a hunter and you need those, you need to find another sport. I don’t have issues with people who own guns. I have friends and family that are very responsible gun owners and that is their right. I just wish that there were stricter guidelines and background checks.

Anyway, I never want to be political on this blog and I hope those of you who disagree with my views don’t stop reading. I never preach! I accept that all people have their own views. The problem I have is that my in-laws are so far to the right that they can’t see past themselves. You can’t have a conversation with people who don’t listen, so I always pray we can stay away from anything political.

I can already tell tomorrow is going to be rough for me. My house isn’t in horrible shape, but I need to clean and start cooking. It’s difficult to admit that those regular things take their toll. I’m already having a tough time with the fact that my long walk with the big hills last night maybe  contributing to my pain level.

I just feel like it’s a rheumatoid arthritis or fibromyalgia flare. I have the pain and the exhaustion. I almost fell asleep working with my client this morning. My sleep has been interrupted a bit with the new puppy. He has done really well the past two nights and went to bed at 11pm and slept until 5AM. The disrupted sleep isn’t helping. That in itself is tough when you have an autoimmune disease!

So I’ll leave you with my latest symptom. I didn’t give it much thought until it started happening more frequently. I keep waking up with what looks like lipstick stains on my hand. The red marks don’t wash off and they stay for several hours. It’s not always the same spot. I have to say, I didn’t give it a lot of thought until my husband expressed concern and I put the pics on Facebook and everyone is telling me to go to the doctor.

I’m just wondering if anyone else has this happen. If anyone knows what this is, I’d love to know! Could it be related to my Raynaud’s?

IMG_3519 IMG_3523 IMG_3531

Happy Easter/Passover my autoimmune friends. I hope you’re evening has less pain than mine!

Advertisements

Back Pain, Stiffness and Being a New Mom

No I didn’t go and have another baby. Those days are long gone. My youngest child is 8 and that shop is closed. I am a new mom to my puppy, Dunkin, though. He is a love. Yes, I am exhausted and it’s not helping my autoimmune issues to get up in the middle of the night to walk him. It’s been a week since I’ve slept through the night, but I don’t care. He makes me so happy and that’s what it all was about.

Monday was my birthday and if you’ve been reading my blog you know it was a tough milestone for me. I reached the age that my mother was when she died…43. I’ve dreaded turning 43 since I was a teenager, but as tough as that milestone was, I realize I have way too much happiness right in front of me to stop living out of fear.

Getting a German Shepherd was on my bucket list since I was a kid. My other dog loves him and my cats are slowly coming around to the idea of a new intruder in their home. I spent my birthday alone with the animals during the day. It was a lazy day, but not a bad one. Once the kids got home it was a regular Monday complete with ballet and baseball lessons. No time to celebrate or be upset.

We did go to dinner on Tuesday, and that was fine. I just let the day pass without too much fuss. I don’t feel different than I did last week. I mean, how often do you really think about your exact age? Not too often.

For the past two days the weather has been nice. We took Dunkin on his first real walk last night and he did awesome. Today we did our long walk, which I haven’t done in a while. That last hill did me in and my lower back is pretty sore right now. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow so I’ll take the day off, but my plan is to get out and walk the dogs at least 5 or 6 days per week. If it’s not raining or snowing, I at least want to do a quick walk. Not only will it help me, but it might tire out the boundless energy of a puppy!

I’m feeling really crappy about my appearance. I just can’t lose weight. I need to stop all sugar. I serious think I’m addicted. I feel like I set all these goals for myself and nothing happens. I need to do better. I don’t want to be this heavy for summer. I also have to get dressed up for my youngest daughter’s First Communion that is a month away. Hoping to be able to lose 10lbs at least with the increased exercise and less sugar. I really still thing something is wrong, but I don’t know what other avenue to pursue.

Overall, I haven’t had as much pain and the migraines from last week have subsided. I do have a lot of stiffness in the morning and at night. My hands just feel tired. I try to open jars and things and there is no strength behind it. I can’t even close them tightly enough to grip the cap on a jar most of the time.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this chronic illness stuff is really a pain in the ass. It more than sucks to get up in pain almost every day. It sucks to be in pain after a walk. I don’t know whether to push through or rest at times. It’s really hitting me tonight because I’ve had such a nice time with my kids on our walks the last two nights. My daughter wants to go every day, and I do, too. I don’t want to let them down by not being able to do it.

I don’t want to be that mom that can’t go for a walk because she’s so exhausted she can’t get up off the couch; or the mom that’s in too much pain to move. I can’t help that this is now who I am. It’s frustrating and difficult on me. People don’t get what it means when someone with fibro or rheumatoid arthritis  or other autoimmune disease say they are tired. It’s not “tired.” It’s more like if I don’t lay down now I’m going to fall over. I can’t keep my eyes open. I need a nap to get me through the hours of 4pm to 8pm when it’s the mad dash to activities, homework, dinner, showers, etc.

I need to keep it together, but some days I feel like I have no idea where I’m going, what I’m doing, etc. My focus for the rest of the weekend will be on hosting Easter. I need to clean tomorrow and Saturday and then do some cooking on Saturday as well. I am busy on Pinterest trying to find side dishes at the moment. I keep telling myself it will all work out…somehow.

Been Diagnosing Myself Again

tiredkitten

Usually I’m the first to admit that I spend way too much time on the Internet researching my illness, but in many cases I’ve been 100% correct. Case in point, my infertility years. I read every possible thing I could get my hands on about miscarriage and ovulation and medications to make you ovulate. I diagnosed myself with PCOS despite not being glucose intolerant and went into the reproductive endocrinologist to explain my diagnosis. He agreed with me. Why? Because I know what the hell I’m talking about!

So I starting writing a blog the other night after seeing my ALS Ice Bucket challenge video. I was very upset seeing myself on video. Do I look horrid? Well, no, but I don’t look like me! My face is so puffy and I’m way overweight. All I could think about was that everyone must be thinking–wow, she didn’t age well since high school. Should I care? No! Did I? Kind of! I don’t Photoshop my pictures to impress anyone. I’m a fairly simple girl. I just want my regular clothes to fit. That’s all!

So I started writing the blog and it got me thinking about my appointment this coming Tuesday with my rheumatologist and how I need to prepare. Overall, my pain level has been significantly better in the warmer weather. I’m going to discount the week in Disney when I completely overdid it and sent myself into a terrible flare (I will come back to that in a minute, though). My main concern is the exhaustion. Lately, I will go teach my Pilates class in the morning, and I can hardly keep my eyes open on the way home. I get home and sleep for 1-2 hours, and it’s not a light nap. It’s a deep sleep, so deep, in fact, that I don’t hear the phone.

It’s pretty much the same scenario if I run to the store. I need to rest afterward. This just isn’t normal and it is getting worse instead of better. Now I’m not naive enough to think my pain level is going to stay this way when it gets colder, and I want a plan in place to deal with the winter. I can’t do another winter med-free, or periodically using pain meds. It was awful. I also don’t want to use Lyrica or Cymbalta because of their side effects of weight gain.

Given that weight gain is a big concern for me, when they both have a side effect of severe weight gain, that’s not a road I want to go down. Now gabapentin had less side effects, but I got off course while looking that up and started reading more about thyroid issues and Hashimoto’s Disease. Now my thyroid levels were in the normal range, but I happen to exhibit every other symptom of hypothyroidism. Chronic hoarse throat/laryngitis, severe exhaustion, weight gain, hair loss, sensitivity to cold, joint and muscle pain, puffy face, muscle weakness…HELLO…This is me! Going back to my Disney trip when I ran my body ragged, as I started to feel the pain, I lost my voice…completely. I couldn’t do anything more than whisper for our last two days, and then I came home and slept for 3 days straight before getting and antibiotic that was called in for a sore throat/sinus infection.

Now I need to convince my doctor that there are different ranges of normal for TSH, T3, and T4. Hashimoto’s is actually an autoimmune disease that affects the thyroid causing hypothyroidism. So then I thought, what if I don’t even have RA because I’m non-serum RA and what if my correct diagnosis is Hashimoto’s and fibromyalgia? No one is arguing an autoimmune disease. My ANA level is high. I’m sure my rheumy with do more blood work after our chat this Tuesday. I don’t actually think there will be much he can do for me, so in the art of working around him, I’m calling Monday to make an appointment with an endocrinologist.

I was feeling positive with this new direction and I figured, let me check with my aunt to see if she knows of any family history. I seemed to remember something about my grandmother taking thyroid medicine. Well, she just got back to me and as it turns out both my grandmother and my uncle (my mom’s brother) had/have hypothyroidism and my grandmother had all of the same symptoms I do. I don’t know why this made me cry. I read it after I pulled into my driveway and turned the car off and I sat there for a moment and cried.

Maybe it’s that connection. Maybe it’s that I could be on the right path to figuring out this awful autoimmune puzzle. I think I have my work cut out for me to get a doctor to treat me, even if I’m borderline, but I’m sure going to try! I will have to see how my bloodwork from this week comes out. Any recommendations on thyroid bloodwork? I’m not really on meds that would affect it. Should I go first thing in the morning? Also anyone with Hashimoto’s, please feel free to leave a comment letting me know some of your symptoms and if you were misdiagnosed in the beginning. There’s always the possibility that I have RA, Fibro, and Hashimoto’s…let’s not go there yet.

I’m focusing on the positive of having something to discuss with my rheumatologist and perhaps a new endocrinologist. I’m not stopping until I get some answers.

 

Hitting a Wall with My Exhaustion

2014-06-30-sleep

I’m beyond tired. I don’t think I’ve been sleeping poorly, at least not poorly for me, meaning I haven’t been up until 2 or 3AM night after night. Yet I went into the office today and I could hardly keep my eyes open. I came home around 1pm and slept until 3pm. It wasn’t just a nap, it was a sleep so sound that I didn’t even hear the phone ring.

It’s been like this for days. I’m clearly in some sort of flare and I’m trying to fight my way through it, which doesn’t seem to be helping. Tonight, after dinner, I went to my son’s football practice and walked 3 miles on the track. I took a break at the halfway point and sat down and watched practice for about 45 minutes. Then I got off my ass and walked again.

It’s funny, I’m not really bothered when I’m walking, but when I sit down after the walk and then try and get up, everything is ridiculously stiff. My lower back goes from mild pain to intense and my hips start hurting as I walk.

It’s really starting to get on my nerves. I need to lose weight. I know I’ll probably feel somewhat better if I lose weight, yet when I try to do cardio exercise, even as simple as a brisk walk, I’m in pain. It’s very frustrating, and what’s worse is I know that I’m not going to wake up in good shape to teach my class in the morning.

I know teaching the class will help me loosen up the tight muscles, but when I’m feeling like that I don’t tend to give my toughest class. I may add in some things and watch from the sidelines to keep them motivated. I can’t stand taking it easy on them because I can’t keep up. It makes me feel like crap.

I’m also starting to feel a little stressed about the whole back to school thing. My kids need more of a schedule, though I dread the early mornings. I am looking forward to not having to be a referee for their arguments all day. I haven’t done one bit of back-to-school shopping. I haven’t even looked at the school supply lists. Usually I’m done by the beginning of August so I don’t have to think about it, but this year I’ve chosen to ignore the fact that school starts in two weeks and my kids need new shoes, school supplies and a new outfit for the first day of school.

It will all get done–hopefully sometime next week. Oh and my son’s birthday is next week and I haven’t done a damn thing for that either. I told him there will be no big party this year. He’s in middle school and I’m done. And to be honest, I’m fed up with a lot of the kids he “thinks” are his friends. They just aren’t, and I don’t want to have them here for a party. He was invited to their house, and they haven’t made one effort to be his friend so screw it! I told him have two friends sleep over, we’ll do movies and pizza and then he can get a nicer gift because I don’t have to pay for a big ass party. He seemed agreeable to the idea and I don’t have to see the moms that I don’t really like, so it works out well for everyone.

I still have to figure out what the heck we’re doing on his actual birthday, though. I will figure it out next week. Right now I’m too darn tired. I’m looking for any tips or tricks that anyone out there has for dealing with the exhaustion associated with a fibromyalgia or rheumatoid arthritis flare. Honestly, I give up trying to figure out which one it is. I’ve been diagnosed with both and for the sake of arguments, let’s just say I’m having a flare. My hips and back are very sore. My feet are swelling and I’m wiped out 24/7.

I need something to help with this darn exhaustion. I’m finding ways to deal with the pain, but there’s nothing I can do when I’m sitting there falling asleep. It’s so hard to describe to anyone who hasn’t experienced it. So I’m asking my readers for help! Help a girl out with any ideas that may have helped you 🙂

Was This a Vacation?

AboutDisney_LandingPage_CompanyOverview_image

First, let me start by saying this is going to be a long blog, better grab a cup of coffee. I’m going to recap the good, the bad, and the seriously ugly moments of my Disney vacation. As you know, I was concerned about how I was going to do at Disney now that I have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. Autoimmune diseases don’t take vacation breaks, and Disney World isn’t exactly a relaxing vacation.

I knew I wasn’t going to be able to keep up the pace that I did three years ago, but I was going to try. And try I did! When we arrived it was a gorgeous day and we got to our hotel in Disney, which was absolutely amazing. We stayed at the Grand Floridian in one of the new villas. I try not to ask how my mother-in-law was able to do it, but let’s just say it was as big as my house, maybe bigger, and it was gorgeous.

I’m kind of a simple person. We really just use our hotel to sleep so I wouldn’t spend the money on a big fancy place, but it truly was gorgeous in every way. We went to Epcot later that night and my kids were a pain in the ass. We had all been up since 3AM to get to the airport and everyone was tired and cranky. My youngest wanted nothing to do with Epcot. Then it started pouring. Torrential rain and Disney = great fun! Not to mention I was wear a paper thin, light blue blouse. Time for a pancho!

The second day we went to Magic Kingdom and that is kind of when the family drama started. I’m proud to say I was really uninvolved in any family drama during the whole trip…okay, I got flustered with kids, both my own and my nieces and nephews, but I stayed out the the adult drama.

My one sister-in-law has three-year-old twins, and I think that one of them needs to be evaluated. Working with families of children with special needs, and having studied so much about autism and early intervention, I think there is something going on. He screamed all day long. Not normal “the kid is exhausted” screaming, either. I’m talking, that he was fixated on one thing and wouldn’t let it go. The problem is that my sister-in-law’s husband was the only one disciplining him or trying to deal with the situation. She would count to three, and threat to go back to the hotel, but not once did she pick him and move him.

She also relied on my 10-year-old to help her chase him, and watch him. That got old pretty quick. Again, we had another day with a lot of rain.

By day three at Hollywood Studios, my legs and feet were not in good shape. Even using my cane, I couldn’t manage. I should have listened to my mother-in-law (first and only time that has ever been said by me) and gotten the scooter for delivery Tuesday night so I could use it Wednesday. I don’t think it was as much the walking that was killing me, but the standing in place. At one point in line, I was almost in tears, so we had a scooter delivered right to the park and it arrived around 2pm.

Any hang-ups I had about riding around in a scooter were gone. That thing was a complete godsend. I seriously couldn’t walk or stand anymore and I was only back tears trying to keep up with everyone. I admit I had a lot of fun bopping around in my scooter. It went really well, until…well, until I decided I was going to leave early to go back to the hotel and take an anti-inflammatory and get some rest for the next day.

It all seemed like a good plan. My youngest daughter always worries about not wanting to leave me alone and she said she was too tired to stay and watch the fireworks, so she and I left the park around 9:15. We found our bus right away (Hollywood Studios was the only park that we needed to take a bus to. Everything else we could just hop on the monorail.) I pulled up the the handicapped spot and waited for the next bus.

When the bus pulled up, they let the scooter on first, so the driver lowered the bus and got the ramp ready. I told her I had never done this before so she helped me line up the steering to the ramp, but in doing so, my cane hit the forward ignition lever. Oh people! My face is turning red all over again reliving the moment. The scooter jetted forward off a curb and into the bus with me on it.

That’s right. I crashed the scooter off a curb and into a bus in front of a crowd of 100 or more people. To make matters worse, I then had to ride the bus with 50 or so of the people that just watched me crash. At random moments I’d burst out laughing along our dark bus trip, and my daughter would say, “It’s okay, Mommy. Accidents happen!” I wanted to die of embarrassment. Here I thought I’d be embarrassed driving a scooter, little did I know I’d be more humiliated crashing it!

By our fourth day, I had really had enough of the family. My niece and nephew always had to be in front, they always wanted more than my kids at the store, etc. etc. The young twins were hell on wheels, screaming everywhere we went. It was to the point where, they just needed to go back to the room and give to the kids a nap. Put your kids first and stop trying to see every thing. Besides, they go to Disney every year! We did get up early that day and get on the new Seven Dwarfs Mine Train ride and that was a lot of fun.

My girls also went to the Bibbidy Bobbidy Boutique and got their hair and makeup done. They had so much fun. And my rule of giving them a certain amount of money to spend ahead of time was fantastic. Instead of asking me for everything in sight, they asked how much money they’d have left if they bought something. I was really proud of them, and they all made good choices.

At the end of day four, one of the twins licked a urinal. The other took off and my son ran after him. When he tried to lift him back over a fence, my son fell and hit his head on a cement curb. Did anyone show a reaction? Nope! By the time I got outside my son was crying and when he told me what happened, a complete stranger came up to me and told me there was a First Aid place right next door to where we were. The man also said that my son was the only one watching the two out of control boys and that the mother sat there and watched as my son tried to lift a three-year-old over the fence.

So, I went a into Mamabear mode. I drove (on the scooter) with my son to the first aid place and got him some ice. The nurse looked at his eyes and he appeared to be okay. I was really annoyed, though. The father of the twins was like a single dad for the whole trip, and everyone noticed it. Now, I’m not going to cast stones because half the time I’m getting the my husband to step up and step in when I need help refereeing my children. He just doesn’t pay attention. Or maybe things don’t bother him like they do a normal person, or maybe I’m not normal. Who knows? My son and my youngest daughter can be tough. My middle daughter, in general is an easy kid. She has her moments, but out of my three, she’s the most easy going and doesn’t do things just to annoy people.

By Thursday, I just wanted some time all alone, but I didn’t end up getting that alone time. At the end of the night when my middle daughter hadn’t spent her money and since we were leaving the next day, I took her back into the park alone to shop. Even she mentioned it was nice to be alone.

Given that I pushed myself too hard, I had a full on RA flare….or maybe it’s a fibro flare? I’m not sure how you even tell when you have multiple autoimmune issues? Can anyone answer that question? I’ve been running a low grade fever since Thursday and my voice is almost totally gone. Laryngitis just seems like such an odd symptom to get with a flare, but I realized that this isn’t the first time. It just hit me that I’ve been getting laryngitis quite a bit lately (not nearly this bad) but it happens when my hip and other joints are really achy.

I suppose I need to add that to the list of things I need to ask my rheumatologist. We arrived home late last night and by then I felt like I had been hit with a truck. I was coughing, a little stuffy, fever, achy, and I had an ocular migraine with no pain. That was new for me. I get ocular migraines, but they usually are the start of my regular migraines or accompany my migraines. I’ve never have the ocular symptoms with the pain, but it did cause me to be nauseous enough to throw up. What I’m trying to say is yesterday sucked.

I’ve left my bed about three times today. While my joints aren’t nearly as sore, my feet and knees are still a bit swollen, and I just feel that autoimmune exhaustion. The type of exhaustion that you just can’t really describe to people who aren’t living with autoimmune diseases. It’s not tired, it’s not even exhausted. It’s so much beyond that.

Let’s just say my next vacation needs to be more relaxing, less rushing, and no extra family members. I’m amazed to say I got along terrifically with my mother-in-law. Perhaps it was that she was desperately trying to stay out of all the arguing going on between my sister-in-law and her husband. Whatever the reason, I can at least say, there was no drama between us on the trip, which reduced the need for xanax quite a bit.

I’m so happy to be home and back with my pets. I just need a few more days to recover.

Still Crabby…And Afraid of My Scale

2208472377_80c4167db3_m

You read that correctly! I’m afraid of my scale. Tomorrow is the big day. I’ve spent one full week on Take Shape for Life/MediFast and the last time I stepped on the scale was last Tuesday morning. Technically, I started the diet a week ago today, but I forgot to weight myself that morning and ended up weighing myself on Tuesday.

So tomorrow morning, first thing, I need to get on the scale. Oh it’s going to suck. Why? Because I’m not sure how I did. I stuck to the plan. I didn’t even mind the plan (with the exception of the god-awful mac & cheese). I’ve enjoyed the foods, and I don’t feel hungry. In terms of being easy to do, it’s working for me, but tomorrow will tell if it’s working for me in terms of the pounds, and that’s what really matters.

I will get discouraged if I only lost one pound, or if heaven forbid, I gained weight. I truly didn’t stray from the plan with the exception of one Chips Ahoy cookie this weekend. It was staring me down on the kitchen table and I caved. It was one. I ate it, and moved on!

I told my coach today, it’s almost easier not knowing how much I lost because I feel like if I didn’t lose a lot of enough, I’ll lose my motivation. Part of the problem is that with this plan they don’t want to you do heavy exercise for the first few weeks because of the reduces calorie diet. On the days I teach classes, my coach has me eating extra servings of protein and calories to compensate for what I’m burning off in class. So there you have it, I’m scared.

So to sum up today’s two blogs, I’m depressed and scared. Pretty darn good day, huh! I snapped out of the depression a bit. My daughter came home and apologized for our argument and told me how much she loved me. We had a good took about her fears about singing and decided that we’d talk to her voice coach about some strategies to help with her nerves.

My son is lucky he survived the day after he took a Sharpie to my youngest daughter’s doll. He had to cough up $40 from his own bank to pay for another one for her. I was so angry and disappointed in him for doing something do mean. I really don’t think he even understood just how mean it was until he saw her crying. That was super fun to deal with.

There’s just been a lot going on. So many things weighing on me, culminating with my son’s special education PPT on Wednesday morning—the first PPT ever that I will be bringing an advocate. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I have the upper hand, but it’s still nerve-racking. The good news is, the advocate I’m bring with me is so knowledgeable and calm, I know I’m in good hands.

I just think the stress is wreaking havoc on my autoimmune system. My body is shutting down and I’m feeling exhausted and flu-ish. I’m not sick. I’m just achy and rundown. Exactly the way I feel at the start of a flare, minus the pain. I have some stiffness, but other than some leg pain, there really isn’t any extreme pain; just aches.

This too shall pass. Hopefully I’ll have time for another nap tomorrow and that will help!

 

Leave a Message

bored_cat

Did you ever have one of those days where you want to just sit in bed, under the covers and ignore the world? Well, that’s exactly what I’m doing today. I can’t say that I’m in that much pain, it’s not that. My hands are stiff, but nothing like when it’s cold out. I think I likely did too much yesterday trying to organize my house. I got three rooms, done, and my kids’ rooms still look like a tornado passed through.

I’m overwhelmed and I just lack the energy to do anything about it. All I want to do is cry today, and I don’t have a specific reason. Yesterday sucked. I spent the day cleaning. My kids were tough. My son just completely over-reacts, my younger daughter doesn’t listen, and my older daughter has an attitude. I wanted her to practice her singing, and it was like I asked her to walk across hot coals. This is the kid that begged me to let her take singing lessons and can’t wait to go each week.

Newsflash…mom isn’t paying for lessons if you don’t practice. Then she dropped the other bomb on me that she is too scared to do the recital. As her mother, I knew it was coming. She’s been getting so much better with her confidence, but getting up in front of a room full of people and singing alone would rattle even a confident kid. I’m not sure how to handle it. I’m stumped. Do I push her to do it because she really is good? I mean, if she wasn’t that good, I would never push her to do it. I would encourage her to work on a different talent. The thing is, she is really good. In fact, her voice coach, thinks she so good that she has someone coming to listen to her for a children’s choir in August.

I think it’s a tough one for me because I’m reliving this through my daughter. I was the kid who could sing, and was deathly afraid. I was telling her that I got up in front of the school in sixth grade to sing a solo, and I started too early, and I panicked. Then, when it came to singing in front of the parents I was really nervous, but I did it perfectly. But, I let my nerves get the best of me and never tried again, and I don’t want to see her do that. I’m not that mom who wants to relive their childhood through their kid, but I see how happy she is when she’s working with her coach. She loves every minute of it, and she really is good. Ugh…this parenting stuff is tough.

Anyway, I wish I could say that’s all that was on my mind. I wish I could even narrow down what’s on my mind. I’m just feeling depressed and blue today. I’m afraid to get on the scale tomorrow, though I really have done a darn good job with this stupid diet. I haven’t stepped on the scale since last Tuesday morning and I know I’m going to be disappointed if I haven’t lost any weight…or even if I lost like 2 pounds.

I should get the hell out of bed, take a shower and go for a walk, but I just don’t feel like it. I don’t like anyone around me, except maybe my cats. I’m exhausted. I think I just depleted everything I had working on that novel. it sounds dumb because it’s “just reading” but it took over my life for like 2 weeks. It was nuts and I just need a break. I’ve been struggling on and off with headaches again and I’m just darn tired.

I don’t usually blog during the day, but I needed to vent. Hopefully, it will pass…

Sorry to Disappoint

2269158653_8f8b3bab82_m

For those of you waiting on the edge of your seats to hear about my reading with the medium, you’re going to have to wait another week. My migraine is back, thankfully not nearly as bad as the other night, but I feel crappy enough that I asked her if we could do it next week. Unbelievably, I woke up to about an inch of snow on the ground today. I swear, it was almost 80 degrees like three days ago. This is insane. Not only is it insane, it’s also hell on my rheumatoid arthritis and my fibromyalgia.

My joints were very stiff today with the cold. I had plans with my aunt and just being out in the freezing cold with the wind whipping around, needs a damn jacket again, and wishing I remembered to wear gloves…it was hell! It’s April! Enough of the cold.

My friend Christina posted on the Autoimmune Mama Facebook Group this evening that she felt she was always coming up short in one area or another in her life, whether it be her family, her clients, her business, her health, etc. It really made me think. I can so relate to how she feels, and I think most of us with autoimmune diseases can. It’s a juggling act between feeling well enough to take care of the things you need to do, and doing the things you want to do, combined with putting out the fires that come up on a daily basis. It’s hard! Heck, it’s hard just being a mom, let alone being a mom with an autoimmune disease (or in my case, more than one).

As I mentioned, my kids are on spring break. I’m reminded myself constantly that I love them…and that I went through hell to have them because I wanted them so badly. I need to remind myself so much because they are sending me over the edge this week. My day started out with my son crying that he was starving (again) and then whining about being bored. At one point today my girls were arguing and I told them to knock it off. My seven-year-old told me they weren’t fighting, it was the Littlest Pet Shops that were fighting. I actually told them that if the Littlest Pet Shops continued fighting I was going to separate them. Chalk that one up to things you never thought you ever say!

My point is it’s hard with them home. I’m trying to work. I’m trying to have fun with them, and I’m trying to not feel like crap…but the problem is that I do. My hands are back to feeling numb. I had the sharp pins and needles for over and hour this morning, followed by numbness. Now they are just freezing and white from the Raynaud’s. My hips and legs are sore and stiff. Is it the worst I’ve been? No. But I don’t feel good, that’s for sure.

What is making me happy at the moment is my job working for a nonprofit agency that helps children with special needs. I’ve been helping with an online auction and even doing a little fundraising (by email only because I’m anti-social and unfriendly), and I’m having a blast. Every time someone bids on something I’m thinking in terms of another family that I know we can help. Working there I see exactly how the funds are used. It’s not an operation that brings in a whole lot. Let me state the obvious…I’m not going to get rich working there, but I’m so happy doing what I do. I work with really awesome people, who are taking the time to teach me so much, and it just feels good when you help a parent in need, or you do something that you know is going to positively impact a child.

I try and focus on the good in my life when I’m having my low points. Yes, I’m feeling like hell, but I’m also lucky to have a job where I can work from home, in my pajamas most of the time. So all in all…it was an okay day. I’m hoping my kids are a tiny bit less annoying tomorrow. Also on my to-do list tomorrow is meeting with the head of the town’s Board of Finance…by myself. Did I mention I don’t really like people? I also don’t feel he and I have much in common, but I’m going to do my part to make sure he understands special education, but I don’t think he gets how expensive it is, and that it’s something that is state mandated. So, I’ll be stepping out of my comfort zone, perhaps with a half a xanax on hand, and going to have a cup of coffee with the BOF Chair. Oh the joy of it all. I’m sure I’ll have fun stories from that tomorrow.

Have a great night everyone!

Severe Exhaustion Strikes Again

3039968603_89209233db_m

To say I’m exhausted is an understatement. I’m not sure whether it’s the letdown from the migraine, which thank goodness is gone today, or the autoimmune crap just catching up to me, but I am in that brain fog/severe exhaustive state today.

We got us early and got ready for the being Munchkin audition. I didn’t know what to expect. There were about 40 people ther when we arrived, and more came throughout the time we were there. The only real audition we’ve ever been to is for The Nutcracker ballet and everyone needs to arrive at one time. This was an open audition from 10-1pm. Of course, being neurotic, we got there just before 10Am to fill out the paperwork.

By about 10:15 they called about 10 girls in to sing one at a time (no parents allowed) and then after about 20-30 girls sang, they were taught a short dance routine, which they had to perform. My daughter came out looking happy and thought she did well, so that’s the best I could hope for. When I asked, we were told some kids would be called for a second audition next weekend, other kids would be immediately placed and not called for two weeks, and others who did not make it would not be notified until the two week mark. My best guess is we’ll hear something in two weeks.

I came home from the audition and could hardly even stand, so I took a nap. My youngest daughter kept coming in the room to ask questions like when we could go to Target, and she interrupted really deep sleep a few different times. I put her off and tried to get her to go play on the Kindle or watch television, because I was truly useless.

My whole body ached, not really hurt, but just ached and I could have fallen asleep standing up at a few points today. When I woke up we did end up running to Target for a few groceries and then because it was one of the nicest days we’ve had so far this spring, the girls and I took a nice walk. I was a struggling with this decision, but I haven’t really done much to exercise other than my class this week. It felt good to walk, but I’m so tired right now I din’t think I’ll need any help falling asleep.

It’s been a while since I’ve had this kind of fibromyalgia brain fog. All I could focus on today was my need to sit or sleep. This really sucks! My hip is also still causing me some pain but being so exhausted is the only thing I can focus on at the moment.

Good night everyone!

 

Fibro Fog Is Back

5855644395_0523f47322_m

I woke up exhausted today…not tired — exhausted! I nearly fell asleep working with my tutoring client, and when I got home I actually put off some calls for work so I could take a nap. I slept so soundly that I didn’t even hear my son come in from school.

Needless to say, if you understand the type of exhaustion from fibromyalgia or other autoimmune diseases, you know I didn’t wake up refreshed. I’m not sure if my allergies are playing into it, but I am just having a tough time with things today.

I thought I was going to have a quiet evening, but I have a client who needs a project ASAP, and I’m doing my best. My goal is to have it all done tomorrow so I don’t have to work on my birthday. We’ll see how it goes. I feel like their product list is never-ending, and most of the products sound downright gross.

Tomorrow I have a bridal shower for a friend. I’m in the wedding and I’m just thoroughly disappointed with myself that I haven’t lost this excess weight. I don’t feel like I have anything that I look pretty in, and I didn’t have time to get out and shop. I’m not a big shopper. It’s definitely more fun when you’re feeling good about yourself, though.

Tonight I’m annoyed with people and truth be told, no one did anything wrong. I think I’m just fed up overall. My house is a big disaster area, and I just feel overwhelmed with that and the people around me. My patience with my kids was thin today. I can’t be supermom every day, but let’s just say I’ll try a little harder tomorrow.

I’m having trouble letting go of a situation that happened well over a year ago, and I know I’m the only one it’s upsetting, but I keep going back to it and I can’t let it go. I found out from my cleaning lady that my mother-in-law and sister-in-law were talking behind my back and saying some really mean things. As I’ve said before, it’s never been a perfect relationship, and I don’t think I’m someone they like, but to find out things this way really hurt.

In response to being confronted with this, they fired the cleaning lady and blamed her. No one said a word to me. Of course the guy in the middle relayed their excuses and that they didn’t say certain things about my kids (bullshit), they never apologized, nor have they ever brought it up. Like everything else, I’m supposed to let it sweep under the rug and not bring it up when I see them.

I’m torn because my mother-in-law is very good to my children. She loves them very much and is always there for events in their life. For that reason, I love and respect her, but it’s hard to like her when I know how she feels about me. Perhaps that’s unfair…I’ve always known she didn’t like me. I didn’t need the cleaning lady to tell me that. I just never thought she was the type of person to gossip about it.

I know I need to let it go, but I’m struggling. It’s something I’ll continue to work on, and a glass of wine sure helps when she’s here. For now, I need to stop thinking about it. Sometimes when I’m annoyed I start to think of all the things that annoy me. I lump everything together.

I’m all of the sudden irritated with my friend who bashed my blog idea. I haven’t talked to him in months, minus a few random texts for stupid reasons. I miss him, but there is a part of me that is still angry at him, too. I think everything is just coming to the surface today. My stupid birthday is coming. I’m fat and ugly, and I’m annoyed.

Okay, now I’m laughing. It’s just one of those days, and struggling to get out of bed or stay awake really isn’t helping. Tomorrow is another day. I’ll work on that whole positive attitude thing and get back to you.

Previous Older Entries