Anxiety Sucks

My past few weeks have been filled with a lot of panic attacks and anxiety. Actually I’m not sure they are panic attacks, but they are what I’d consider panic attacks. I get this feeling  of anxiety, a little tightness in my chest, I feel like my heart rate is fast, but it isn’t, and I just find myself unable to calm down even with deep breathing.

Kind of sounds like a heart attack when I write it out that way, but at the moment I need to stay off WebMD. I know it’s anxiety. I have had a lot on my plate. I worry a lot in general. I stick my foot in my mouth quite often and deal with the repercussions, which require a significant amount of my time stressing about how to deal with things.

I worry about my kids. Am I doing enough? Am i doing too much? What am I doing wrong? My son has been downright nasty lately. Maybe you can say it’s that he’s almost 13 and that’s typical, but dear lord. He walks in the house and immediately starts being nasty to my youngest daughter. He goes out of his way to be mean.

He argues with me constantly because clearly it’s my fault that he’s in special education for a reading disability and he wants me to tell the school he doesn’t need to go anymore. And he just won’t let things go. EVER! He will talk about something until you want to give in…that’s the plan, I think. But I don’t fall for it.

He recently went off his ADHD medicine and I’m beginning to think this was a bad decision. I feel like it’s adding to his behavior issues. I don’t want to be constantly arguing with him or telling him to calm down. He’s an amazing kid. One on one, he’s so awesome, but he’s so freakin selfish. I just don’t get it.

If his sister’s get to do anything, he gets angry and needs to do something better. He does a LOT! We may not be rich, but we do a lot for our kids to be able to do the sports they want and activities, etc. Out trip to Disney almost sent me over the edge. Any time his sisters wanted to go on a ride he didn’t want to go. If he wanted to go on something then the group could be happy and have fun, but if he was miserable, we all were miserable.

I need to talk to someone about it, or bring him back to therapy because I am at my wit’s end. It’s adding to my stress, but certainly not all of it.

I feel like in my 40s I shouldn’t be worrying about childish games that girls play, but some people never grow up. The gossip and nastiness never ends. It’s not one thing in particular, but rather a general feeling of no longer being included. There is a part of me that’s really okay because even I know I don’t fit in. I’m far from the cool kid, HAHA. But I guess it’s that I don’t know what I did that’s bugging me.

What I’ve decided is to handle it differently than usual. I need to look at people for who they are. I have a lot of really terrific people in my life. I may not be that person who goes out every weekend and posts pics all over FB drinking with my friends, but I have friends that make me laugh, smile, and that I know have my back as I have theirs.

So back to the anxiety…I think that with everything going on it’s this breaking point and at random points through the day my body just says, “ok I’m done, you need to stop now.” I don’t like medicine, but I have been taking a half of a Xanax when I need it. It helps takes that edge off and then I use my breathing and some essential oils. I won’t push those on anyone, but I’m starting to use them and I think for certain things they do help me.

I’m not crazy trying to cure everything with them, but headaches, relaxation, stress, sore muscles, etc., they work pretty well.

My only good news (other than my friend from my last blog is doing magnificent and is already home from the hospital) is that I think the change in medication has finally allowed me to start losing weight. I was gaining anywhere between 1-3 pounds per week for over a year. Nothing I did would stop it. I exercised like a maniac. Tried every diet plan…everything. I was eating under 1000 calories a day and wouldn’t lose a pound.

A few months after a medication switch I’m finally seeing the weight come off. I am down 20lbs since November, but 10lbs since February. This is huge for me. I couldn’t get the scale to move forever.

I’m also feeling well enough to lightly walk and jog on the treadmill. I’m slow as hell. I’m lucky is I can jog for 3 minutes, but I keep going and I feel pretty good. I was so diligent before we left for Disney and I need to get back to it. My FitBit was keeping me accountable. I’ll get back on track tomorrow, though I’m sure I’ll be going backward in stamina.

Anyway, this blog was all over the place. That’s how scattered I’ve been. Maybe I have ADHD. I’m old and crotchety and I think in my old age I am less tolerant of people who are fake. I don’t have time. I am working hard to surround myself with happy people. It’s not easy letting go of friends that have been around for a while, but let me tell you, Facebook has this new acquaintance feature. It’s fabulous!

You can list your friends as acquaintances and choose not to share things with acquaintances. I decided I didn’t need the people that I don’t really see or talk with to have access to my posts, pictures, etc. I’m not deleting them. They can see my comments, etc. just not every post. I LOVE that! It’s helping me not be an unfriending bitch while still keeping things private from those with whom I question their trust.

I’ll try not to be so scattered next time!!

 

 

Advertisements

Being the Bigger Person Sucks

American Football 2

Be the bigger person, blah blah blah. You know it’s what you’re supposed to do, and most of the time it’s the road I choose to take, but no one ever said it was easy…or fun. Today I was a room parent at my daughters’ Nutcracker rehearsals. Honestly, I love doing it. Getting to see them dance and perform is awesome, and it’s just a fabulous production. I love to see the behind the scenes of how they choreograph the numbers.

So that all went well. The problem arose when my former friend’s (the ass who hates that I blog) daughter was freaking out about not having a parent to pick her up. I let her use my phone to call her dad, and I guess there was some kind of mix up with the what he was saying and what the mom said.

He called me back a few minutes later to say that her mother should have arranged that. I had to explain that she wasn’t allowed to stay for an hour and a half between her two rehearsals because we’re still practicing at a studio and not on the big stage. He grew silent like it was a big deal to get her, so I (the bigger person) offered to drop her off at home. Why did I do this? I have no idea, mostly because I’m an idiot.

The kid is very fresh. I cut her slack because she’s had a tough time in her short life. She was snapping at me on the way because clearly, I got the info wrong. Not sure how I even factored into the situation, but I just said that she and her dad would work it all out when she got home.

Later, I received a text thanking me for the help. Then another text blaming the mom. I just texted back “no problem” and left it at that. I am not opening that door again. His level of drama gives me more stress than I can handle.

Then there’s my feet. Both feet are still swollen from last night’s trek around the neighborhood with the kids. My body is getting even with me for my crazy cat lady costume and wearing slippers. The toe pain from last night finally subsided, but I feel like it’s going to cramp up at any moment. I’m sitting here with a heating pad on it. I’m not even sure what the issue is. It feels like my pinky toe wants to lean left, and every time I move it slightly to the right, I feel like it’s going to get stuck again and cramp up.

It sounds ridiculous, but I’m in a lot of pain. Both my hands and feet are swollen, and on tomorrow’s agenda, in between shuffling the girls to rehearsals, I have my son’s playoff football game. It’s all in the same town, so it’s not a lot of driving, but Connecticut has been really cold the last few days. Today was just awful.

I’m trying to keep going until I see the endocrinologist on Tuesday, but if he says there isn’t anything wrong with me and he has no idea what’s going, then I’m making an appointment with the rheumatologist to start Plaquenil again. I’m hesitant to do it before meeting with the endo because I hate to start medications at the same time. I don’t have much hope for Tuesday, or at least I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but I’d really like to try the metformin and see if that has an impact on my weight and other issues related to PCOS.

Wish me luck on getting through tomorrow! I’m going to buy those disposable hand and feet warmers and hope they help. I’m going to need all the help I can get.

Don’t forget to turn your clocks back! An extra hour of sleep is always awesome. It’s waking up in the dark and having it be dark at 5pm that sucks.

 

 

 

Another Bump in the Road

further-off-from-england

I’m not in a good mood today. I’m not sure when it went bad, but I think it was when I received a letter from the endocrinologist saying that the male factor hormones that they tested were all in the normal range. Elevated androgens are a sign of polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I still have every symptom of the disease, including the most important one of the highly cystic ovaries.

I suppose I could have had a normal result because I’m on the birth control pill and that could be helping to regulate those hormones, but it doesn’t change the rest of my symptoms. So what’s really bothering me? I’m afraid to walk into that office next Tuesday and hear that there is nothing wrong, and that they just don’t have a reason for the weight gain and other symptoms.

I gave up hope that I was going to hear that I don’t have rheumatoid arthritis weeks ago. When I self-diagnosed hypothyroid, I thought the muscle and joint pain might be caused by that. The endo was clear when he shot that theory down. I suppose the newest plan is to hear what he has to say on Tuesday, and then going back to the rheumatologist to start plaquenil again before it gets really cold and my joints get worse.

In the past week my hip, legs and feet have been stiff and painful. My hands have been experiences the neuropathy symptoms with the painful pins and needless and numbness. Who knew numbness would be painful? Believe me, it is! The colder weather also brings out my Raynaud’s, which just adds to the pain.

I’m frustrated tonight because I am still here with no answers and now I’ve already decided that the endo is going to say there is nothing wrong and to exercise more. I haven’t really been hungry at all lately. I’ve hardly had a snack and my meals have all been healthy. In my depression today, I opened the damn bag of Halloween candy and had 4 KitKats. Do I regret it? No! They were delicious.

The highlight of my day was at a clinic meeting for my son at school. They set up monthly clinics to stay on top of his progress after they fucked up on his IEP (Individualized Education Program) last year. He receives special education services for dyslexia and comprehension issues. My son can be a big pain in the ass when it comes to getting his services, mostly because he’s so afraid of looking different or standing out. I do understand that, but I’m trying to explain the harder he works now with comprehension and reading strategies, the less time overall he’ll need to go to resource.

Anyway, what a wonderful meeting. Each of his teachers wrote up really nice things about what a good student, and hard worker he is. Both is science teacher and his literacy teacher noted that he does struggle with writing, but both said he is working really hard and seeing them during his free periods for extra help. It was one of those meetings that you just can’t help but smile. I know school isn’t easy for my son, but at one point this semester he had straight As. He now has a B in Spanish, and that’s completely fine. He’s working his butt off, and I think (I hope) he’s also proud of himself.

I have a lot to be happy about, but I’m just not tonight. I’m blue and sad. Not sad enough to cry about anything, but with the exception of my kids, this just isn’t the life I thought I’d have. And, I don’t know whether it’s best to accept that I now have limitations, or try and find help to work through them.

I don’t talk about it with friends. I used to talk about it and my insecurities about it with my friend (the one who is no longer a friend). He was actually a good listener for a long time. The thing is, it went both ways as I was always a good listener to him…and he had no shortage of drama. When he told me that he didn’t want to hear that I didn’t feel well or was in pain anymore, it really hit me. Even my friends don’t get it. Of course, I have way more polite friends than him–many of whom ask how I’m doing and really want to know. Ok, maybe not many, but definitely a few. That one conversation though, made me re-examine how much I was talking about it.

I never thought that I was talking about it 24/7, but when he asked, I would tell him if I was in pain, etc. But, because someone pointed out that I was talking about it too much, I think I shut down. I don’t want to be Debbie Downer. I love to laugh and have fun. I smile and laugh more with my kids than I do anywhere else. I truly enjoy them (even when they are beasts). I thought there was a balance, and now I’m not so sure. I don’t bring it up unless people ask, except on this blog, of course. This is my place to vent and talk about my autoimmune issues and if anyone is annoyed they can simply stop reading.

I just wondered if anyone else has had a friend or family member tell them they are too focused on their illness. I always joke that I’m a hermit and not a people-person, and things like that are the reason why. I don’t want to open up and be shut down by someone.

I hope you all are having a pain free night!

My Friend Bashing Post

images2

I’m irritated this evening, and I know I shouldn’t let stupid things bother me, but eh…sometimes they do. Tonight was our big Nutcracker meeting. They entire cast gets together for a two hours meeting with the director, choreographers, seamstresses, stagehands, etc. The kids get to see who got what role, like who is play Clara and the Sugar Plum Fairy, etc. My girls are fairly young, so I can’t say we really know any of the older girls in the large roles, but some of them look familiar from previous years.

Remember my idiot friend who hated my blog? Well, his daughter does the Nutcracker, too. Remind me to kick myself for mentioning it a few years ago. Anyway, he walks in, looks at me and walks the other way. Are we 12? I carried on my conversation, because I have gotten to know a lot of the moms over the past few years and I’ve met a lot of really nice people. A few minutes later his daughter came up to my girls and I to talk. Of course, I was nothing but nice to her. She drives me nuts, but she’s a child and it’s not her fault both her parents are idiots and don’t happen to be teaching her proper behavior or manners.

She told me she was going to ask for a second role and as any motherly figure would, I encouraged her to do so. I took these kids under my wing several years ago, and I do still care about them, though it’s very different now that they are older and their behavior is really bad (especially the girl). She then went on to say she was confused as to why my two girls got two roles and she didn’t. I just politely shrugged that off.

During the meeting, my former friend sat on the complete opposite side of the auditorium by himself. Even when his daughter came over to sit with me again, he didn’t even turn to glance my way. If that’s how he wants to play it, so be it, but what a complete ass. I fully intended on saying a polite hello this evening, and not having things be ugly. I had no intentions of sitting with him or starting up a conversation, but I’m not in high school, I wasn’t going to ignore him. Jackass! So for a little perspective, I sent my friend an IM…she agreed that he was a jackass and mentioned that he posted something about finding “the one” on Facebook, so it made further sense because I’m really only needed when he needs a friend. If he’s got a girlfriend, he doesn’t need advice on the kids, or help from me. And good luck to her! As sarcastic as that sounds, I truly only wish him well, but a person who says things as cruel as he does to other people (not talking about me here, just talking about his every day FB life) isn’t really a happy person on the inside. Finding a wonderful person can make you feel awesome for a long time, but sooner or later, the fact that you’re a miserable person on the inside comes out…unless she’s a psychotherapist or something 🙂

Other than that the meeting was fine and my older daughter had her first practice today. She had a blast. My younger one starts tomorrow morning and then they have a practice together in the afternoon and somewhere in the middle I have to be at a football game for my son. This is the time of year where having an autoimmune disease and being a mom is really tough. I want to do everything and be everywhere for my kids. I love everything about my kids’ activities and I love being there to support them in whatever they do. I won’t lie, though, when I looked at the Nutcracker schedule for October with both girls having two roles and one of the dance buildings not being open yet for the year…I’m nervous. There are days when I have practices in two different towns a few hours apart, and I know I have my son’s stuff to do in between there, too. Or even worse, i I have to drag him along to Nutcracker, he is not a happy camper!

I am looking forward to going to the endocrinologist this week and hopefully digging a bit deeper into what’s going on with me. If I can tackle the hair loss, the exhaustion, and the weight gain, that would be a huge start. Heck, I’d even just start with let’s take on the exhaustion! I know I’m running on adrenaline today. I’m excited for my kids and that does factor in. I’m going to crash on Mondays, which I suppose is the best day of the week that could happen on, as I don’t have to leave the house on Mondays.

I have also been fighting a tension headache/migraine for the past few days. Between the ice and the muscle relaxers, I’m keeping it at bay, but I’m definitely not at 100%. Today it was pouring rain and cold, which meant hip, foot, and hand pain. I really notice it in my legs after I’ve been sitting for a while. I just can’t get up and start walking like a normal person. Standing up and beginning to walk is more of a process now. Getting out of the car is difficult. There is the moving one leg at a time and the the actual getting up.

I like my car better because it’s an SUV and I short, so I’m getting down out of the car. When I have to take the other family car it’s not exactly my style. It’s a Mercedes coup and it’s small and low. I suppose I should like it. First and foremost, it was free. Free is good. It was my father-in-laws car before he passed away and when my husband took over his business (I won’t even get started on that ordeal because it is book-worthy) he needed a better car to get him to all the buildings that the family owns. It sounds like we’re doing super doesn’t it? On paper we are…just not in our check book. We have tenants that haven’t paid rent in months but the commercial space is so large we can’t get anyone else to take it. It’s more drama than I need to share at this point. I’ll save that for a day when I’m upset with my in-laws 🙂

My point was, when I drive the Mercedes, I have a tough time getting out of the car. And you’re thinking, cry me a river, bitch! I know. I have a car, I’m lucky enough to have a roof over my head and three beautiful kids. Despite having special needs, they could be more perfect to me and nothing makes me more proud than being their mom. So yes, I have my issues. Some sound silly when I write them out in a blog post, but still I’m a person in pain and that sucks. It sucks not knowing how I’m going to feel tomorrow or the next day.

I have to wake up early for church tomorrow to bring my kids to CCD. I’m not even tired, But I’m hoping Beverly Hills, 90210 will put me to sleep. Good night all!

 

 

 

A Much Calmer Night

Caillou

Boy I was hell on wheels last night (see yesterday’s post). I do have a bit of a temper, but as I said last night, I’ve never lost my cool with this friend before. As a matter of fact, I can’t even think of many friends I’ve ever lost my cool in that way with. I mean, okay, there is the friend who told me I was stupid to start blogging–by the way he sent me a random text tonight about Caillou. It actually made me laugh, but I’m not buying into the game. When we were really good friends a few years ago my youngest daughter had a bit of an obsession with Caillou. For those of you fortunate enough not to know what the heck I’m talking about, Google it. He’s a bald, whiny little boy, that complains about everything. I can’t stand that kid. Apparently my ex-friend’s (LOL) daughter was watching the show on television this evening.

Anyway, he is really the only friend that I can think of that I got into fights with. I mean really arguments. No matter how angry I am, I don’t say mean things to hurt people, and unfortunately he can’t say the same. When I argued with my friend “Lilly” the other night I was harsh, but never mean. I didn’t call her names or use mean language, or say one thing that I regret saying. What I said, she needed to hear. Whether she took it in or not, I have no idea. My guess is no, but I gave it a shot.

Today was hectic again. I feel like I have so much to do before we leave on vacation and not enough hours to get it all done. I need to do some serious cleaning tomorrow and organize the kids’ bedrooms. Even if I can just get the kitchen, living room and bathrooms set, I will be happy.

My back and hip are still pretty stiff and nothing I’m doing is really helping. I go back to the rheumatologist the week after I return from Florida, but even with all my online research, I’m just so hesitant to start anything new. I’m not great, but I’m certainly not as bad as I was during the winter. I think if I’m going to break down and try something new it will be when I’m in desperate need. I know I’ve asked a lot of questions through this blog on Lyrica and Cymbalta. Those two drugs seem to be what are commonly prescribed for fibromyalgia. The side effects make me really nervous. First of all with so many people claiming a 30lb weight gain with Lyrica, I’m super hesitant to jump on that bandwagon. I already feel as big as a house.

With Cymbalta I read things like thoughts of suicide, and other side effects. I know they have to list every single thing every person noted, but I get nervous. Right now I’m still on the Flexeril 10mg at night, but I really don’t feel like it’s doing that much. Lots of people say they feel sleepy and relaxed. I feel nothing…seriously nothing. Sometimes I wonder why I take it, but I think overall it does reduce my migraines because my neck doesn’t get as tight.

The other thing the rheumatologist is going to bring up is doing those trigger point shots again. I’m going to give those a big thumbs down for me. The first time I thought they really helped. I’m not sure if he hit a nerve, or if that’s even possible, but beginning just two days after the shots I add a marathon three-week migraine and I would prefer not to relive that experience…ever. What I might do is ask to try a different muscle relaxer, not necessarily a stronger one but possibly a different kind. Any thoughts on this? Is anyone taking something for fibro that they actually feel is helping?

It’s really difficult because I feel like the fibro is affecting all my muscles and the RA affects my joints. The combination is just not fun. I know it could be so much worse, but I’m trying to think ahead for the winter months and have some sort of plan of action in case I have a really bad winter again this year. Any help is appreciated. I know different drugs work for different people, but I’m always interested to hear what people think is actually helping them to feel better. There are dozens of medications and I’ve taken so many that I just don’t think have done anything for me. It’s just not worth the risk if it’s not helping.

Then I’ll add into the mix my yearly ob/gyn appointment. I work myself up into a frenzy each and every year, but this year I’m already a wreck. My appointment isn’t until August 5th, but I’ve already decided that I have a cyst on my ovary and I’ve probably waited too long to deal with it, and it’s going to be cancer. After all, I’m 42 and my mom died at 43, and this has been my fear all along. I don’t know how to stop the irrational fear…at least I hope it’s irrational, but I can’t shake it this year. I have been having pain on one side, similar to the type of pain I get with a cyst (which is all too common for me and they are usually normal). The truth is, I’m just scared. This is going to sound like the most conceited thing ever, but my kids won’t make it without me. I think about what their life would be like with my in-laws calling the shots. They haven’t got a chance.

So I can’t die. For that reason alone…my kids need their mother…I can’t die. It’s going to be a stressful few weeks and I see a few Xanax in my future. We do what we need to do to get by. One day at a time.

Where the Hell Is Spring?

2301585010_6769283ea0_m

I’m freezing. My whole body is shivering at the moment, and I’m under my heated blanket. I just got up to grab a cup of hot cocoa and my heating pad to try and break the shivering.

Today was a complete lazy day. I had some stomach issues last night, and I just didn’t feel well at all this morning. I went back to sleep for a few hours and was basically a bum until the afternoon.

I have a love-hate relationship with days like these. I love to sleep, and during the day is the only time that I don’t have trouble sleeping, but I also get down on myself when I waste a day. I know that my body really needed the rest today. I’ve been running around like crazy for the last two weeks, and my plate has really been full.

it’s like my body just cried uncle last night and I couldn’t push myself today. I got pretty annoyed this past weekend at a well-meaning person who suggested that I need to work on pushing through a bit more. I hate when people judge your circumstance without really knowing what you’re going through.

It’s frustrating enough to be in this kind of pain. Heck, I just got up to get a cup of cocoa and my hips were all locked up, but knee hurts, and my muscles through my back and neck are tight. I’m on the fence as to whether I’m getting a migraine or not.

I feel like crap, and I know my body well enough that if I was to push through today, I’d have been useless for tomorrow and possibly the next day. When I run ragged, I tend to get sick, and that’s all I need.

I’m trying to get rid of a lot of negativity in my life. I have a friend who calls me (sometimes several times per day) to talk about other people including teachers, the principal, other parents, and other kids. It’s been weighing on me that the friendship is totally bringing me down.

If someone is bashing everyone else in town, they are likely talking about you, too. I don’t like gossip. I honestly don’t want to know what’s going on in someone’s personal life, and the last thing I’d ever do is say a child is stupid. Children aren’t stupid. Adults with no thought about anyone but themselves are stupid. I’m just not sure why other people continue to tell her things.

I’m beyond the high school stuff, and I can’t stand when this friend needs to make her child out to be the top of everything. Look, if the kid truly has an A+ average in everything and the top score in her grade, I’m thrilled for her. That’s an awesome accomplishment, but does it need to be brought up in every conversation?

I feel like my friend is unhappy and is living her life through her kids, but on the outside she has a good life. I say, on the outside, because who really knows what someone else is dealing with on the inside. She is financially set, and doesn’t need to work. She has a beautiful family and a husband who loves her.

I don’t know. I just don’t think life is about how much better you or your kids are than other people. Life is hard enough. Can’t we just let kids be kids and not stress about grades at such a young age? My kids do well in school. I don’t expect an A+ in every subject, but I expect them to work hard and do their best.

I have two children with reading and comprehension issues, so I know school isn’t always easy. My son started middle school this year and I was in a panic on whether he could handle the workload. The first month or two was crazy, but my son made the honor roll. The pride HE had with this accomplishment was awesome, because in many things he does have to work harder and longer to get good grades.

I’m super proud of my kids, but I’ll be the first to tell you they are far from perfect. The talk back, they drive me over the edge sometimes, and they make me crazy…but I wouldn’t change it. They are my everything, and I like the little people they are becoming.

I guess in that regard, I have my priorities in order. I need to sort things out and distance myself a bit from my friend as she’s bringing me down. I just want to surround myself with people who aren’t so negative. That’s almost silly to me as my other friend accused me of being negative when I started this blog.

I guess it’s fair to say I use this as a place to vent, but I don’t bash people. I often have a tough time dealing with my autoimmune issues and writing these issues down has been really good for me. I really appreciate all the nice comments and likes on the blog. I’ve had so much fun doing it.

Now how to I subtly cut my friend back quite a bit? Ideas welcome!

 

Today the Couch, Tomorrow Public Service

5281006681_c5522b0f51_n

As I mentioned last night, we are welcoming back the Polar Vortex here in the northeast, and with is came a lot of pain and stiffness. I’m finding that if I sit too long, I almost can’t get up when I want to. I’m hunched over and walking slow.

I spent most of the afternoon working from my couch with my heated blanket. I’m stressing out because my letter to our First Selectman has prompted him to want to meet with me in person tomorrow. For the most part, I’m level-headed. The only time I really get crazed is if I feel someone has hurt my kids…or sometimes with my in-laws.

I don’t plan on going in with an adversarial tone because I don’t think it will accomplish anything. To be honest, I don’t feel for one second that my meeting with this man will change his view on his proposed budget, but instead of complaining on Facebook about the situation, I’m actually stepping forward and meeting with the man.

My hope for tomorrow is that I’m not having a high pain day. I teach my Pilates class first thing in the morning, and usually I feel pretty good after that. If my pain can just hold off until the afternoon, that would be great.

It’s funny (not really) how I plan things these days. I used to make a lot of plans, but I just can’t with my autoimmune issues. Between the pain and stiffness from the rheumatoid arthritis and the exhaustion and overall body aches from fibromyalgia, those autoimmune diseases are in control over what I can and can’t do.

Coming to that realization was difficult. I’m not in control of things anymore. While I was never a control freak, it’s definitely still upsetting that I always need to give a disclaimer when I make plans. Me…the active person that can take on anything. I don’t know how I’m going to feel tomorrow or the next day, and that is hard for people to understand, and even more difficult for me to accept.

Hopefully I’ll come to terms with it at some point, but I doubt it…I’m stubborn. I’d love to hear how other people handle making plans and not knowing whether you’re going to have a bad flare, etc. It’s definitely something I struggle with.

Feel free to comment here or come join our Facebook Group and start the topic there. I look forward to getting know my readers on that page and becoming a support system of people who get it. We all could use that.

Tomorrow evening you’ll probably be reading that I threw up right before my meeting. I psych myself out way too much. Here’s to hoping there is no puke involved in my day tomorrow.

Snow and Pain Seem to Go Together

2194433723_f58455e582_m

Today was pretty darn good in terms of pain, and then somehow I must have jinxed myself. Of course, it could be that it’s cold and there is yet another snow storm hitting our area tomorrow, but my lower back and hip are in terrible pain.

I was banking on my kids going back to school tomorrow. They have been off since last Wednesday for a winter break. I love them, but I want them to go back to school! I need a day to myself to get organized. I lost a larger client over the weekend that I did social media and blogging for. If I’m being honest (and not naming names) it was my least favorite client because the CEO clearly didn’t have much respect for women.

In this day and age that still occurs. It’s mind-boggling to think that people can get away with treating employees like that, but I do think with him it was a cultural thing. I stayed with him so long because I truly liked the product and its use in the education field. But, now that our contract is done, I’m actually feeling like it’s for the best. I don’t need to work for someone who treats me like I’m stupid.

Funny enough, one of the writers that used to work for me just found my email through a Google search and wrote me a note to ask what happened and to say that she learned so much working with me. Stuff like that means so much. It only takes a moment to let someone know you touched their lives.

Actually, in general I’m trying to get rid of people who bring me down. My “friend” that I had the argument with about the blog has not contacted me at all, and I’m at peace with it. If he truly thinks of me as a big complainer and negative, then I don’t need him either.

Instead, I am surrounding myself with people who make me laugh and smile. I am lucky enough to have a lot of those in my life. I teach a Pilates class twice a week and I swear we crack up the whole time. I try and get them talking so they don’t notice the pain or that we’ve been holding a plank for two minutes.

We discuss trashy tv, like 90 Day Fiance and really anything going on in the news. Not only is it good for me to keep moving, it’s also good for me emotionally to laugh and truly enjoy myself with a group of people.

Anyway, today’s message is to try and stay positive. I can’t say things will get better in terms of having an autoimmune disease, but we are responsible for surrounding ourselves with positive people who care about us.

Hoping you are all pain-free today, and stay safe and warm if you’re impacted by this next storm.