It’s an Insomnia Kind of Night

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I haven’t had insomnia in a while. That’s mostly because I’ve been taking Melatonin around 8pm and by 11pm I’m pretty tired. If I forget, then I take a half an Ambien on some nights, but I try to only do that when necessary. I totally forgot tonight and I’m wide awake because I have a lot on my mind.

Tomorrow is my annual pelvic ultrasound (don’t be jealous). I get myself stressed out for this. In case you haven’t followed my blog for a while, my mother died of ovarian cancer, as did my grandmother, so these ultrasounds are done as a preventative measure because there really are no definitive signs for ovarian cancer. My doctor said “everything felt normal” at my yearly appointment, but until I have the ultrasound, I’m stressed. Add to that, I scheduled a mammogram for right afterward. I figure, let’s have all the fun in one day.

I do my monthly checks, but I know of about 5 people around the age of 40 who have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, so that’s on my mind, too.

But, what’s really bugging the crap out of me is a conversation I had yesterday that I can’t get off my mind. In case I haven’t mentioned, I started speaking to my friend again–the one that dissed the idea of this blog. We don’t talk often. We are not Facebook friends, and I have no desire to get our friendship back, but we have texted and emailed back and forth.

I prefer to have things in a peaceful, resolved state than in an angry one, but at the moment, I’m angry again because he’s an asshole. As I have mentioned previously I work for a nonprofit that helps families of children with special needs. I also tutor a man with autism, who is 50 years old. The conversation I had with this friend was regarding my tutoring job with my autistic client. His position is that it is a waste of state funding to have me work with my client because he’s worthless to society and never going to get any better. My position is that while the goal has never been to cure his autism, it is the help him increase his verbalization so that he can express himself in an emergency or other situations when needed.

His mother set up this program and another woman and I have been working with him for over two years. I’m not going to sit here and say that every day with him is fabulous. It’s definitely hit or miss, but overall he has come a long way. I see some very important strides, and I don’t believe as a society we should give up on people because they are disabled. This is a man with a tremendous mind. If I give him a date, he can tell me what day of the week it was on. He can tell me what day a game show premiered on. His mind is fascinating.

Anyway, my point is, this conversation really pissed me off because it showed me this person’s whole way of thinking. That in his world he has more value than other people, and I just don’t see it that way. Needless to say, I don’t think we’re talking much again, and that’s fine with me. We’re very different and he insults my parenting. My son has high anxiety, and the way I deal with issues with my son is very different than they way he handles his kids. I made a choice a while ago to stop getting our kids together because it just causes problems. He treats his kids like mini-adults and I treat mine like kids.

So I’m annoyed and wide awake. The only good news I have is that my hopes from last night’s post came true. My son had a big play in today’s game. He recovered a fumble from the other team, and as Mother of the Year, I missed it! I was watching the cheerleaders! I suck. All of the sudden I saw the coaches and kids cheering for him and I looked around asking for anyone who knew what happened.

Luckily I found someone who explained it all to me so I could congratulate him at the end of the game. It was a huge deal for him. He looked so proud of himself, and that was all I really wanted. He needed that moment so badly. I’m so sorry I missed it, but I was so happy I saw the look on his face when his coaches and teammates were cheering him on. I was a huge deal!!

Wish me luck tomorrow.

 

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It’s a New Day

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Yesterday was a difficult day. I spent a lot of time today thinking about and praying for the families of the two people in my life that passed away. I didn’t have a lot of time to over-think about it. I had a really busy day of meetings and running around with my kids.

I’m fighting a migraine at the moment, and I’m also trying to quell a full on panic attack about tomorrow. Tomorrow I will be going into work at a pediatrician’s office for the first time. This is going to ultimately be a once per week thing, but tomorrow is the big “meet & greet” event with me and all the doctors. Did I mention I am not a people person? I have terrible social anxiety? I’m not even sure I like people.

I went to the store to buy myself an outfit to wear and was at least pleased that I have dropped two sizes (still not thrilled with my weight, but at least it’s not going up). As I found something that I felt was appropriate to wear tomorrow, and possibly even cute, I started to completely panic over the small talk. OMG, small talk!

I may have to talk myself into walking through the door tomorrow. I know this is such a huge opportunity for the nonprofit organization that I work for, so I want to do a great job…I just think sometimes when I’m nervous I talk too much, or I stand in a corner and don’t talk. There is no happy medium.

I’ll work on that as I’m talking myself off a ledge on the drive into the office. I don’t even like the sound of that.

On another note, my daughter has a girl over for a sleepover tonight. She’s a nice kid, but she doesn’t mesh with my younger daughter. I think she probably isn’t my favorite of my older daughter’s friends, if I’m being truthful. She has a really nice group of friends. I feel very blessed that she has a great group of girls in her corner because she is such a shy kid. One of her best friends is moving a few towns away this summer and she isn’t taking that too well.

The girls that’s over tonight is sweet, but dramatic. She tells on my younger daughter for everything, and my younger daughter has cried about six times tonight. This is just not the norm when my older daughter has friends over. I mean, I get it, they probably don’t want the little sister there the whole time, but her other friends aren’t mean to my younger daughter at all. In fact, they go out of their way to include her. Let’s just chalk this up to not my favorite sleepover.

Don’t get me wrong, she’s a good kid. It’s just tough being a referee all night. My little one finally went to bed in her room a little while ago. All of this did not help my headache. It’s not quite migraine status, but it’s at the point where I’m considering taking something before it gets much worse. I’m off to get my ice packs and lay down.

Wish me luck tomorrow. I have a feeling I’m going to need it. Let’s hope I don’t blurt out something stupid, or trip and fall on my ass.

A Mish-Mosh of Thoughts

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It’s been a long few days. I started a blog last night and lost my mojo about two paragraphs into it. I started out very energetic yesterday. I taught a ridiculously tough class, and then I paid for it the rest of the day. I thought I pulled something in my shoulder, but then every one of my fibro trigger points started to flare, and my knees started to really hurt.

I ended up going to bed early with ice packs. Today I woke up with sore abs, which is always something that makes me happy because it means I taught a good class the day before. My body was sore from the workout, but not really in joint or fibro pain, which was a bit of a surprise, as I thought I was headed into a big flare.

I ended up being able to sleep most of the morning, which was nice. I’ve been dealing with a lot with my son, and it’s really been weighing on me. Today I got an email from a neighbor asking if my son told me what happened on the bus this morning. Of course, that answer was no. She explained that two boys were picking on him so bad that the driver got involved. When one of the boys told the driver “everyone hates” my son, my neighbor’s daughter stood up and said she liked him and he was a great person. How sweet is that. That took a lot of guts for a fifth grade girl to stand up to older boys on the bus. Kudos to her, she certainly has my thanks and respect.

The trouble with this particular instance is one of the boys is the son of a friend of mine. Awkward. Now my son isn’t innocent, but he’s not mean. The problem with my son is he’s insecure and tried way too hard to fit in. In the process he says dumb things to look cool…and the cool kids see right through that attempt. I’ve tried telling him to just stop and be himself. He’s such a nice kid. People will like him for who he is, but he’s at that age where he so wants to be cool. It’s not an easy time for me as a parent. In fact, it sucks!

Anyway, enough of my parenting drama. Let me get to my friend drama of the week. Remember that friend that didn’t want me to write the blog? I think I mentioned he deleted me from Facebook because I snapped at him one evening. Well, he also blocked me now (childish, I know) because he found out that I commented about him unfriending my dog. Haha! That even sounds funny writing it out.

So it got me to thinking about our friendship a few days ago. Over the past four or five years, he’s friended and unfriended me more times than I can count. I always cut him some slack because I know he’s had a rough life and I know he has a lot on his plate being a single father, etc. Well, this time I thought, you know what, I’m not a schmuck. At some point when he needs something or when his latest BFF turns out to be a jerk, he’ll remember that I’m a good person and decide to contact me, and this time I’m just not going to be around for that opportunity. I took the childish route and blocked him, too. And you know what? It felt darn good, and I haven’t thought twice about the decision. I wish him nothing but the best, but I don’t need his drama. Done.

Tomorrow starts my weekend of dance recital mania. It’s our first group of recitals with this dance studio, so I’m really excited to see how it all works. I get nervous, but the girls seem happy. It should be cute. I love seeing them perform. I’m fairly sure my youngest daughter is as excited about getting to wear makeup on stage as she is about her dance. I think my teenage years with her are going to put me over the edge.

And now some random thoughts on the world:

#1. Justin Bieber needs to go away. That video of him singing using the N-word is terrible, especially because he would not be where he is without the help of Usher, who happens to be black. In my book, Bieber is an ass.

#2. Gwenyth Paltrow: I think I said this the other night, but it’s worth repeating. Gwenyth is a pretentious ass.

#3. I’m not sure what to think of the Bowe Bergdahl situation. I feel like there is so much more to the story. Why did we release 5 high ranking Taliban people for him. I’m all about not leaving any of our men behind, but did he really walk off and put other men in danger doing so? Did other men lose their lives looking for him? I have so many questions.

#4. Do I care that Kendall Jenner got her own apartment? Tat Kanye bought Kim a painting or that Kourtney is pregnant? No! I wish they’d all go away.

Last, are you following Brutus on Twitter? @Brutusflamingo He has a lot to say on pop culture.

 

Have a good night!

Damn Knees!

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Perhaps my three miles walk did me in a little bit yesterday. I bent down to get something this morning and that was it. A sharp stab of pain in my knee and I was hobbling a bit for the rest of the day. All in all, it was far from my worst day. I just opted not to go for a walk and push myself even though I was hoping to get in an extra workout today. I had to get over it.

I did a lot of stressing for nothing today. My son had a school field trip to an amusement park and he told me this morning that he was the only kid in his homeroom without a “buddy” for the day. No mom wants to hear this at 7AM. Who the heck am I going to contact to make sure my kid is accounted for all day? Nope…I need to let him handle it. So I told him he needs to see his homeroom teacher right away, before they get on the bus and tell her that he doesn’t have a buddy for the trip.

Of course, I worried that he didn’t do this, and that perhaps the kids that have been giving him a hard time left him out all day. Much to my surprise he came in the door very happy. He told me a good friend from another homeroom found him right when he got off the bus and asked him to be his “buddy” and that they had a great time at the park. I stressed for nothing, but I’m a mom and that’s my right. I worry about my kids. I probably worry too much, but I have sensitive kids. I just want everything to be okay.

I try not to over-parent, but I suppose at times I do. I guess I’d rather over than under-parent. I think there are too many kids with no self-esteem and no support. I’d rather raise kids that have sensitivity and confidence, without being entitled. Don’t get me started on entitled children. It’s a huge pet peeve. There are way too many of them in my town. I live in a nice area. For our area, we have a smaller house. My kids go to play at houses that are three times the size with 5 car garages, etc. Some of the families are the most down to Earth families with the same core values that I have, and others have children that must wear brand name everything from Kindergarten on.

I guess people like that are everywhere. I think that why I call myself anti-social. I’m just very choosy about who I associate with. I like normal, non-pretentious people. Speaking of pretentious people, did you hear what Gwenyth Paltrow said now? If you’ve been reading my blog, you might remember a rant about Gwenyth before. I don’t like her and her Conscious Uncoupling. I believe she related her life with the paparazzi to being in the military. What?? She needs to get over herself. How offensive to the men and women from our country who are in the line of duty. We have soldiers are war fighting for our country and she thinks being chased by photographers is similar to being shot at with guns? Look I’m not saying a group of photographers following your every move is fun, but you chose that life. There are plenty of celebrities that have stepped out of the limelight to raise their kids privately.

She could have done that. She keeps putting herself in the news. Maybe if she’d shut up and go away they’d leave her alone. And that’s my two cents.

Diet: Day Two–I’m HUNGRY

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I’m hungry. I’m really hungry. I was fine until about 4pm today, and then I started to get hungry. I ate my dinner, and then I had a few pieces of mango, which is not included in my diet. Then, I had two spoonfuls of rice pudding. I’m sorry! I did it! We’re moving on. I exercised for over an hour today in class so, I’m giving myself a little break. Mango is healthy and rice pudding, well, well, it was two damn spoonfuls.

I don’t feel as well as I have been the past few days. While my energy level is still up, my allergies are terrible and I’m not sure if that is causing my headache or if I’m on the verge of a migraine. My right hip is also bothering me quite a bit today, but it’s still nothing like it was a few weeks ago in the cold weather, so I’m trying not to complain.

My 9-year-old just woke up after having a nightmare about our old dog. We had to put her down a few years ago after she was diagnosed with bone cancer at 12-years-old. She was my first baby. That dog never left my side through three miscarriages and years of infertility hell. It’s not that I don’t love our current dog, she is very sweet. She’s just not the brightest bulb if you know what I mean. Anyway, my daughter dreamed that a huge rock fell on my dog and she woke up crying.

Truth be told, she went to bed with a lot on her mind. Apparently one of the girls in her class made a “friends” list today and opted to leave my daughter off of it. My daughter has some very nice friends in the class, in fact her best friend is in the same class and said something to the girl who then said, “well, everyone always tells her she’s pretty and she’s stuck up.” Okay, let me explain something about my daughter. My oldest daughter (the one who was called stuck up) was painfully shy. She has come so far in the past few years, but in kindergarten, she didn’t speak to anyone other than one friend and the teacher for months.

She made some really nice friends in first grade, but still refused to raise her hand in class, or speak in front of the class. She was truly afraid and panicked, and I understood that, because that’s how I was as a child…heck, sometimes that’s how I am as an adult. My older daughter is my easiest child because she just seems to get along with everyone. She has a very easy going personality, and chooses friends that are really positive, nice kids. Maybe this girl misunderstand my daughter’s shyness for being stuck up, or maybe this kid is just a snot herself.

Girls are just mean. It’s funny when this kid was here for my daughter’s birthday party (for those of you that read that post, she was the one on her damn iPad all night) I told my daughter if she ever behaved like that at someone else’s house, I’d be very angry. So I think my daughter had a lot on her mind. She’s sound asleep next to me at the moment.

This parenting stuff is hard! There are no rule books when you want to call another mom and tell her child off…of course that would be inappropriate, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have the urge to do it.

I think for the first time in a while I might pop a half an Ambien and put an ice pack on the back of my head. I was going to get into the story of how my friend deleted me on Facebook again…oh heck, it’s a quick one. Refer back to this post about my friend who thinks my blog is a bad idea.  We hadn’t talked much since that day. We exchanged a few texts or Facebook messages, but usually when we have any sort of argument he deletes me as his Facebook friend. About four or five years ago when we were really close, this would upset me because at the time I was really trying to help him and his kids through a rough time, and he knows just what to say to set me off.

For whatever reason, after this argument he didn’t delete me, and things just went on as normal. We weren’t mad at each other, or at least I wasn’t really mad at him anymore, but I also didn’t have any real desire to hang out or anything like that. I enjoyed seeing his posts regarding the kids, etc. Anyway, the day after the wedding last week when I was feeling like a turquoise sausage he messaged me, and I snapped at him about not wanting to discuss how fat I looked. Okay, it probably was uncalled for, and he never had called me ugly, but I was having a really low moment.

When I went back a day or two later to send a quick note to say, I was sorry and I didn’t mean to snap, I realized he unfriended me. My usual M.O. is to ignore it, but because I knew I snapped at him, I sent him a note asking him why he deleted me. I’m sure that in itself shocked him. When he made some comment about how he didn’t have time in his life for me to be mean to him, I did apologize and explain that I was really having a tough moment and took it out on him. Anyway, he accepted my apology, and we moved forward. I did get in a “keep in touch” and that made me laugh because it’s just nonsense.

So in the spirit of getting rid of toxic friends, perhaps he got rid of me, and I’m tossing out a few people that have been driving me nuts lately and choosing to surround myself with positive people. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle. It’s perfectly okay to have a day or two (or more) where you aren’t okay. But, I am choosing to try and be positive as much as I can about my life. Some days it sucks, but I realize how much I have to be thankful for, and one of the three biggest reasons is sound asleep next to me.

It’s funny when you put all the petty bullshit aside and focus on what really matter, life gets somewhat easier. My family and my health, then my friends and my job. My cats obviously factor in there, and we can’t forget about Brutus! Have a good night.

 

 

 

 

Rain, Rain, Go Away

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It’s raining again in Connecticut…there’s some shocking news. It’s also cold again. The combination of cold and rain with autoimmune diseases equals hell. Not to mention whatever the hell I did in my Pilates class yesterday to try to achieve smaller boobs seemed to have had more effect on my triceps. I woke up this morning and could hardly move my arms, but this was the good kind of pain. The kind from when you really work your muscles hard in a workout.

Today was another busy day. I had a few conferences calls, one of which I totally feel asleep on–do not tell anyone! It was just one thing after another. I’m editing a novel for a client. I was working on a website about trees for another client, and lo and behold the baby food people need a whole other section to their site. I had a busy week before today. It’s even busier now!

Luckily despite the cold and not being able to stay warm, I feel pretty good. My pain and stiffness seemed more from my own doing, and less because of my RA and fibro today. I did wake up with a headache, but it didn’t seem to last. I’m enjoying the last 24+ hours of being migraine free, but I don’t want to shout it from the rooftops just yet. I hate to jinx myself.

One other positive to point out is that I’ve been pretty tired at night. I think the Topamax for the migraines certainly helps, but I haven’t needed Ambien at all, and other than last night I’ve been asleep before midnight for over a week. It’s been nice!

Tomorrow is one big ass day of running around. I have to teach my class, go buy boob tape, then drop auction items off to my director, pick up my dress and pray that the boob tape works, and finally get home and do some work on baby food! I just need to pace myself.

Today’s soapbox moment is on kindness. I mean, how hard is it really to be kind? Especially for woman! Is it really necessary for women to spend time knocking each other down instead of building each other up? I mean, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to be in a group of people who want me to succeed, because I wish that for them. I’m excited for my friends when they win something, get a promotion, or their child gets straight A’s. Those are all great things.

Do they make me less of a person? Of course not! Women need to stop thinking that way. One women’s success does not equal the failure of the other women around her. BUT, the women achieving the success also needs to do so with grace. There are those that are proud of the accomplishments of their children, and then there are those that post pictures of every pitch their child makes at every baseball practice, with comments linking him to a future in the major leagues.

Let me get this out there. I hope your child does make it to the major leagues, but the chance of that happening are slim. Don’t set him up for failure by convincing him that he is the best and there is no one better…why? Because there is someone better, an that child will help your child learn. There is always someone who knows more, and instead of spending time being jealous, spend time learning from them.

I spent time today listening to a few different grown women complain about other women on the PTO. First of all, I am anti-social and I don’t do the PTO. I fully respect all the moms that put their time and effort in, because it’s a huge job. I’m a working mom, and I volunteer whenever I can, but I am not a people person. I get freaked out walking into a room of clique-y moms…and that’s how it is in my town.

Anyway, one mom is pissed at another mom, another mom is pissed at the principal. I could go on, but you get this idea. The spend all this time talking about each other, and I said to one of them, I just don’t want to hear this. If you don’t like “her” that’s fine. Just be friendly, but you don’t have to be her friend. Is it ever okay to be unkind? We’re talking the PTO, not world peace. Today’s message is take a deep breath and think of the war your fighting and the message you might be teaching your daughters.

I want my girls to build their friends up, not knock them down. My daughter has no skills in basketball whatsoever. Her best friend is a tremendous basketball player. It’s important to my daughter to support her friend in something that her friend loves and is good at. I may not be perfect (I can guarantee that), but I’m doing some things right!