Migraine, Angry, and Tired of the Wizard

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It’s probably not a good mom thing to say, but I’m a little bit tired of the Wizard of Oz at the moment. I’m glad we have three days off. I watched the whole show again tonight and I came home with a migraine, complete with auras and shooting light issues. I’m going to be upfront and say I just took an Ambien, so I have about 10 minutes to write a halfway decent blog before I lost all sense of reality.

I have written two blogs and not published them over the past two days. Yesterday’s blog was a complete angry overshare. I’m pissed at my husband. The problem is not only am I pissed at him for crap he’s doing now, I’m pissed at him for something he did 7 years ago and I realized that I just can’t let it go. That’s not good or healthy. It’s not that it’s something on my mind 24/7, but when we sat down to talk about why I feel like I’m last on his list behind his mom, sisters, work, etc. and I started to give examples it just hit me. There was no greater example and perhaps that’s something that I just can’t forgive.

I was hesitant about writing about it, even in an anonymous blog because it’s an issue I don’t discuss much; not with friends or family. I have a few select friends who know the story, but most know bits and pieces that I’ve allowed them to know. I always say I’m not a people person and I get mocked for that because I come across friendly and nice. It’s not that I’m not nice, it’s more that I don’t know how to let people in or let them get to know me. I’m not special or cool, and I certainly wouldn’t let most people see my pain. But then today I thought it might be therapeutic in some ways to write it, so I will. If I regret it tomorrow…I’ll just never discuss this blog post again and we can’t forget it ever happened.

I had a terrible time getting pregnant. I had several miscarriages before I eventually found a fertility specialist that allowed me to tell him what I wanted to do to get pregnant. I was a crazy person…a true maniac on the subject. I researched everything to the point that I couldn’t stop. I knew so much that when we met with the new reproductive endocrinologist and I discussed everything with him, he asked me what type of physician I was. My husband nearly burst out laughing.

Anyway, my new doctor was wonderful and I had three successful pregnancies on the first try each time I tried with him. When we tried for the third baby, however, things didn’t go smooth. Well, I had horrid pregnancies with hyperemesis and IVs at home, but that’s a story for another day. My third pregnancy was a triplet pregnancy. When you hear you are pregnant with triplets and you have a 2-year-old and a 1-year-old at home, I can assure you the reaction is not one of joy…it’s terror.

We lost one baby very early on, and came to terms with the fact that we were going to have four children under the age of 4. I was a mess. I was scared. I’m 5-feet-tall and at the time I weighed about 105. I was already high risk because of the hyperemesis, but now I was in a whole new category of high risk. They were worried I wouldn’t physically be able to carry the babies to term and would need bed rest, but whatever, I’d do what I need to do.

At 16 weeks I went for an ultrasound and one of the babies had died. I don’t remember the details of that day very well. I insisted on going in to work and didn’t discuss it with anyone there. In fact, I didn’t tell them for about a week, and when I did I just blurted it out because I didn’t know how to tell them. There were so many things that happened all at once but the main concern was for the baby that was still alive. It was looking like she had severe issues. They did a higher level ultrasound and diagnosed her with clubbed feet. I was told that a lot of people in the past chose to abort babies with clubbed feet because of potential other issues. I’ll never forget that sentence as long as I live.

Because I’m a maniac, I then researched every possible thing on clubbed feet. I knew what kind of treatment my daughter would have and that it needed to begin within three days of birth. It involved full leg casting that changed weekly and then bracing for years. I was prepared.

I gave birth to my baby on February 12, 2007 and I was afraid to look at her at first. There’s that innate fear of, “omg, what if it’s so bad they can’t fix it.” I didn’t look. I let her latch on and breast feed and I snuggled her tight and promised her I’d never let her go and I’d never let anything bad happen to her. From that moment on, I became the most protective mom you’ve ever seen. I’m an overprotective mom in general, but I can’t even put into words what it felt like. I just knew I had to protect her from the world.

She got cast on a three days old and we were told that her feet and legs “weren’t that bad.” I forgot to mention that my sister-in-law (husband’s sister) and I were due 7 days apart. She had an easy pregnancy. So there I was with my three week old baby in casts (she was born 5 weeks early) and I felt something happening to me. I had intense cramping like labor. Minutes later, I passed a large mass of tissue. When I looked closer (as gross as that sounds) I could see that it was the remains of a partially formed baby. It was small, very small…maybe 4 inches. I called the doctor and they told me to bring it in to the ER to be analyzed to be sure, but why? What for?

So that brings me to the part of the story where I get mad at my husband. About an hour before that happened we got the call that his sister was in labor. His family does everything together. The fact that I wanted no one at the hospital until after the baby was born was almost world ending for them. They called the house and wanted my husband to come to the hospital. It didn’t matter that we had two toddlers and a newborn. But then this happened. And he still went…

And I don’t forgive for that. I’m not looking for anyone to make any nasty comments about him please. I actually do really care for him. We had a long talk today and I really went off about this. He said that he’s apologized a million times, but to be honest I think today was the first time he’s apologized and said if he had to do it again he would never have made that choice again. But it is done and I can’t let it go. And that’s when things fell apart because nothing anyone can say or do will ever convince me that I’m more of a priority that his family. If I wasn’t a priority on one of the hardest days of my life, I never will be.

Ok, well this blog is a complete downer and I really try not to do that, but if you’re still reading it, thank you for letting me ramble this out. Sometimes you just need to get your feelings out, and for me, this isn’t a story that I tell, and it certainly isn’t an easy one, so thank you for listening.

On a MUCH lighter note. The Breakfast Club is on tv and I haven’t seen this movie in YEARS. What a great movie. You young people that haven’t seen it need to watch it! I remember when this came out, and it’s still hilarious. I got talked into watching The Notebook last night. I’m not much of a movie person, but it was sweet. I’m not sure what all the hype was about, but it was a sweet story. I might try and read the book in all my spare time now that my son is starting football practice. Oh yes Monday through Thursday 5:30-8:30, because I have nothing else to do!

At least for the first few weeks it’s at the high school and I can walk the track. Maybe I’ll lose more weight.

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Migraine-Day 2

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My migraine is still going strong with no signs of stopping. I woke up and took some medication to get through a few hours of tutoring my autistic client this morning. He gave me a literal run for my money when he took off sprinting toward the company coffee shop in search of candy. There I was running after him shouting, “don’t forget to hold the railings” as he headed for the stairs and I knew I had no chance of catching him.

It wasn’t our best session. Let’s leave it at that! My day didn’t get much better when my kids got home early with a half day and my son took off his ADHD patch early without telling me. I think he likes to test me to see if I will notice. Um…yeah…it’s not difficult to tell. Between driving his sisters nuts, not listening to a word I said, and then coming up with the brilliant idea to juggle the recycling bottles in the garage, it sure wasn’t a stretch to guess that he took it off early.

I’m not going to lie. I flipped out on him today. Mostly for lying. I came outside and saw broken glass and looked him. He immediately said, “it wasn’t me. I didn’t do it.” I gave him another chance to tell the truth and he stuck with his story. The one thing I always tell my kids is that they will get in much more trouble if they lie than they will if they tell the truth and admit to doing something wrong. After about five minutes he admitted he broke the glass, and only then did I learn he was practicing his juggling skills. My subsequent questions were #1: Did you think to use tennis balls? #2: What did you think was going to happen if you dropped one? #3. Why the hell were you juggling glass bottles so close to my car? #4. (which I didn’t say out loud) What the fuck is wrong with you?

So, suffice it to say, the migraine wasn’t getting any better. I had dinner plans with old friends tonight that had been canceled a few times already, so I didn’t feel like I could cancel on them again. I met them for dinner, and it was really nice to see them. My headache persisted through dinner, but not so bad that I couldn’t get a few laughs in and enjoy myself.

These girls are not people that I see on a regular basis anymore since one of the gyms I worked at for many years closed down, but they were with me through many boyfriends, an engagement, a marriage, some miscarriages, three pregnancies and babies, etc. We go way back, but they haven’t seen me in months. Not only have a gained a lot of weight because of the medicine, but they all noticed when I got up from the chair after dinner, that it wasn’t easy.

You know that feeling after you’ve been sitting for two hours. You can’t just stand up anymore. It’s not that easy. My joints don’t want to move after they’ve been in the same position for a while. As I hobbled a little bit out of the restaurant my friend that I’m the closest with (we went through several pregnancy losses and infertility treatments together) took me aside to ask me how I was really doing.

It’s funny, we have our groups of friends that it’s okay to say, yes, I’m having a hard time…the meds are hard; I have some tough days, etc. Then you have friends that really want to know how you are emotionally, too. My friend Julie is like that. She’s a love. We can go months without talking because we both have very busy lives, but our friendship is solid and she’s a darn good person. I confessed that it was a little hard for me to come out tonight as one of the last times I saw some of these women I was a lot thinner and I was thinking they’d all be looking at me like…wow, she let herself go!

Somehow after talking to Julie I stopped caring about that crap and remembered that these ladies really care about me and were likely more concerned with how I’m doing than anything else. I need to knock off that crap with being so worried about what other people thing. I’ll add that to the list of things I need to work on.

For now, I’m praying I don’t wake up with this migraine. It’s also raining out and that’s not helping the joint pain either. My hips are really bad today. Usually it’s just the right one, but tonight both of them feel locked up.

Now if I could just ask one favor…if you could send some positive vibes tomorrow morning to my daughter as she goes to her audition for a small children’s role in The Wizard of Oz, I’d really appreciate it. She’s been practicing all day, and I’m so proud of her. I’m praying that she holds onto this confidence tomorrow at the audition because boy, she’s taking my breath away…spoken like a true mama!

Tonight’s off-topic rant: Have you read about this Ukranian model that thinks she’s the human Barbie doll? Apparently she’s striving to become a Breatharian, someone who survives on air and sunlight. Honey, if it was that easy, we’d all be Breatharians! You need to check this girl out. Now I realize having child is not for everyone, and that’s perfectly fine, but she said she’d rather be tortured than have a family. I needed to share this because it’s freaking me out. Someone else needs to be freaked out with me.

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Again with the “Oh I Have Arthritis in My Hands, too”

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I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I truly hate explaining rheumatoid arthritis to people. You don’t just get RA in your hands. I know people draw from their own personal experiences to sympathize, but let’s be honest, I couldn’t understand what someone with cancer is going through. I’d listen and try and offer support, but I’d never say “I understand” because how could I possibly without going through it.

Years ago I went through a lot to have my children. After several miscarriages, I thought I was never going to be a mother. We started to look into adoption because I couldn’t take the daily blood work and invasive tests anymore. It was almost two years of hell and I just wanted to stop trying.

After going to a few adoption meetings my mother in law asking me why I wasn’t worried that I’d adopt a crack baby. Just the kind of “support” I could possible want. My husband convinced me to see another doctor, and he was the first person to listen to me. I knew exactly what I thought was wrong, even though I didn’t fit the profile.

After a one hour conversation, we asked me what type of medicine I practice, to which my husband rolled his eyes and said, “she’s not a doctor, she just plays one on the computer!” But…when I had a doctor that listened and agreed with my assessment and what I wanted to do, I got pregnant on the first try.

Conceiving my next two kids was easier as we knew what we needed to do, but in my last pregnancy we found out I was expecting twins. We lost a twin at about 16 weeks, and that baby crushed my third baby and she was born with her legs and feet twisted.

I gues my point in explaining my fertility was that I received the most idiotic comments ever when I was going through pregnancy loss and infertility. When I lost my first baby, the receptionist at my old job (whom I was friends with) told me she was so excited. I looked at her like she had three heads and she said, “at least you know you can get pregnant.” So she was excited and I was devastated over my loss.

All the stupid people that told me as soon as I file for adoption that’s when people get pregnant. Or, just don’t think about it…. I could go on, but you get the idea.

The same is true when people try and understand rheumatoid arthritis. IT’S NOT OSTEOARTHRITIS!!! I don’t have it in just my hands, though my hands are a large source of pain. RA affects your whole body. There are days I feel like I have the flu and can’t move. There are days were I’m limping like a 90-year-old woman, and then there are days like today where despite some swelling and pain in my hands, I’m not feeling too bad at all.

It’s just frustrating! I’ll stop bitching about it now. As for my fitness challenge, Day #2 went just fine. I guess I wasn’t expecting the full sit-ups to hurt, but I can’t even remember the last time I did those. That kind of pain is good pain. I’m trying hard, though with a meeting at Panera Bread, I did have a half of a tomato and mozzarella panini — my first panini ever and it was delicious.

I hope everyone is having a pain free evening. I am off to put my hands under my heating pad to try and help the Raynaud’s and the feeling that they will never get warm…ever.

Do your sit-ups everyone!! And the last note is that my kitten is doing well. She is still limping and hold her foot up, but the vet said there was no evidence of burns or cuts. It’s likely she sprained it. I’m praying it wasn’t my 7-year-old holding her in a death grip to give her kisses, but I think it’s more likely she jumped down from somewhere high up and landed wrong, or she caught it in something. I hate to see any animal in pain. I was relieved to hear little Cookie will be fine.

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