Blogging Is Hard

wonka

 

I’ve written about 10 blogs since my last post. Most were about how hellish it was waiting for my genetic testing results. I decided they were all too boring and never posted them because I was whining. They told me the tests would take 3–5 weeks and I tried to be optimistic, which is not my strong point. I told myself I’d get the call in 3 weeks…then 4…then 5. Then I called to see if there was a problem, but nope. They just weren’t back yet.

Seven weeks later I got the call while I was teaching a class but I saw it was the hospital and answered it anyway. Happily I can report that my genetic testing is fine. I did not have the BRCA gene mutations or any of the other mutations they tested for. This was a HUGE relief.

I attributed my horrific anxiety to the waiting. Though I can’t say it was on my mind all the time, I figure subconsciously it was adding stress. I was waking up with panic attacks and that panic feeling would last all day unless I took a Xanax. I tried everything. Running (well as much as a girl with rheumatoid arthritis can run) did help.

I have one of those Couch to 5K apps and though I’m at a point where the running intervals are too long for me, I still keep going , or at least I was until the last two weeks. We’ve had temperatures over 90 every day and running doesn’t even remotely sound like fun. Instead, I spend 30 minutes swimming laps (again…RA girl, not a strong swimmer, sometimes with a damn pool noodle but kicking my legs the whole time and moving my arms). It’s enough to get my heart rate up and I’m doing something.

Even with that and the relief of my genetic testing news, I’m still struggling with my anxiety. I’ll hear the smallest thing and that will be it. Or sometimes it’s nothing specific and it will just come on out of nowhere.

I’ve been into my essential oils. I don’t want any of my doTerra friends to jump on me here because I love my doTerra oils, but I’m a broke girl…I found a few blends online that I have been diffusing that I think have really helped with my anxiety and they are like $4. I do think there is a correlation between scent and the mind. It doesn’t take the anxiety away, but it helps me.

My vent of the evening is probably one most people have at the moment. Have you had enough of people arguing politics on Facebook, Twitter, etc.? I try to stay out of it. Our country is in a scary place right now and I try and listen with an open mind when people talk. I can’t stand people who are so far in either direction that they can’t have a conversation and listen to someone else’s views. If that’s you, you are part of the problem. We need to get back to being able to listen and disagree without all hell breaking loose.

The Internet changed that for us. Memes changed that for us. We never had Bush/Clinton?Perot memes, but boy some of those would have been funny.

I have one Facebook friend who endlessly posts anti-Muslim things. I try to understand where it’s coming from and it’s a place of fear. She’s afraid for herself, her family, her country. I understand the fear. I don’t understand blaming an entire religion when we have many Muslim Americans fighting in our military against ISIS.

I don’t know that I’ve ever been political on this blog. I’ll probably get a slew of mean comments, and I guess that’s okay. People have their strong beliefs on what needs to be done. I’m one of those people that is somewhere in the middle. I think we have two crappy choices and need to decide who will be the lesser of the evils.

Maybe they are both great people. I am just not sure I think someone who gets into a 7 or tweet Twitter war with a celebrity in charge of when we declare war. On the flip side, there are huge trust issues with Hillary and I’m not sure she brings the kind of strong arm protection we need as a country right now.

What I’m trying to say is I have no freakin idea and I’m going to watch each and every debate. But anyone who thinks they are changing someone’s opinion with a meme on Facebook, I’m sorry. You are making yourself feel better about your decisions. That’s all.

So RA? How’s that? Well me sed rate is down. My C reactive protein is down so all that is good. Overall I feel well. It’s the summer. I do better in the warmth. I can swim, which helps. I have had a few days of stiffness and pain where I’ve needed some pain medication, but very little more than muscle relaxers and Alleve. I’m counting my blessings and taking the reprieve from the intense pain for as long as I can.

I hope my autoimmune friends are all doing well too!

 

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Super Bowl, Snacks, and Snow

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I’m not a football fan…except when my son is playing. But, this Super Bowl was a darn good game to watch. The girls and I opted to not go to my sister-in-law’s house to watch the game, and instead we watched movies for most of the day and then watched the game.

I learned how to stream my movies through our XBox so I made the girls watch Grease for the first time ever, and we also watched Mamma Mia. They’ve really been into musicals, but I forgot about some of the scenes in Grease. I suppose I could have exposed them to worse.

I haven’t updated the blog in a few days. My migraine was complete hell all the way until late Friday night. I attended the class that I was accepted to through the state of Connecticut, and I had to take muscle relaxers and two rounds of migraine medicine just to be able to function.

I was very nervous, but it was a good experience. I did my three-minute speech–even cracked a few jokes. I met some very nice people, as well. I would say half of the participants have some sort of disability and the other half are parents of children with a disability. It’s going to be a ton of work, and I still haven’t decided what my final project will be, but I need to figure it out this week.

The other issue I had is that after sitting from noon to 8:30PM in the same chair, I was a mess on Saturday. My body can no longer handle sitting in the same position for that long with only a few small breaks. Saturday’s class was really hard because my hips were so stiff and my back was really bothering me.

By last night I was hobbling around due to joint and muscle pain. When my husband asked why I was walking like I was dying, it really hit me that the rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia have really changed what I can and can’t do. You wouldn’t think sitting would be that big of a deal, but I was in a straight chair and it wasn’t that comfortable to begin with.

The fact that my body stiffens up so easily makes things really difficult. I didn’t have a lot of swelling, but I had a lot of join pain. The only good news was that my migraine finally let up on Saturday. It’s funny, I can suffer through my arthritis pain for the most part, but the migraine was horrid. At one point I was trying to pay attention and I could hardly see because my vision was getting so blurry.

The table of people that I sat with was very nice. I met some great people and made a lot of contacts. It’s funny though, whenever you tell people you are an editor (as I did in my three-minute speech), people want to tell you about a book they are writing. While I did talk to two people at length about editing, I was really focused on all the stuff they were teach about the Department of Developmental Disabilities.

The only issue with the training, other than the fact that I had to give a speech, was that the woman sitting next to me talked under her breath the entire time. I think I heard her snoring on Saturday morning, but I was trying not to look.

For a project for Saturday morning we each had to choose a disability from a given list that we would want over the others, and one we wouldn’t want. I’m not sure why alcoholism was listed as a disability, but it was on there. Anyway, we were supposed to go around the room and tell what we picked and why. The lady next to me chose to have alcoholism and when she got the microphone she just started going through her day of what she’d drink.

The group leader had to tell her to stop when she named her fifth or sixth alcohol. I chose deafness as the disability from the list that I’d take. My first major in school was interpreting for the deaf, so I know how strong the deaf community is. There is a lot of support and I think as much as I’d miss my music, I’d be much more afraid to lose my vision.

We’re also getting hit with another big snowstorm tonight. It just started snowing and they already closed schools again for tomorrow because we’re supposed to get between 12-18 inches of snow. So yay me!! The kids will be home again, and I won’t get much work done.

I’m not even sure what movie to rent tomorrow. I’m looking for something all three kids will enjoy. Hopefully, they can pick one without too much bickering.

 

 

A Day of Ups and Downs

sushi

If you read my post from last night, you know I was up late waiting for my eBay auction to end. I’m happy to say that I’m the proud owner of a sushi chef nutcracker (pictured above). So, my day started out on a high note.

My kids religion class was canceled this morning because the roads were very icy here in CT. People were posting on Facebook all day about accidents in town and nearby, so my plan was to stay in our jammies and watch television. My kids got a huge kick out of the Game Show Network. It was actually a really fun few hours until it got awkward when the questions on Family Feud included things like, “Name something that would be surprising for your husband to bring to bed on your honeymoon?”

Yep! When I yelled out “book” the kids all wanted to know why. I opted not to seize the moment and discuss what a man and a woman usually do in bed on their honeymoon.

My girls really wanted to go see Into the Woods this evening. I’ve been going back and forth about it because some people have said it’s too scary (they are almost 8 and almost 10). Others have said that the graphic stuff isn’t shown, so it would be fine. I don’t think they’ll pick up on the sexual things from the wolf (another reason not to prolong our Family Feud conversation), but I don’t want to pay all that money and have to leave because my youngest daughter is too scared.

When I finally got the urge to shower today, I went downstairs to grab something and water was pouring into my finished basement from two different spots. Last night we thought a bit of water was coming in from a pipe, but today it was clear that Mother Nature was to blame.

As I freaked out running back and forth to the two spots with the shop vac, I realized I wasn’t going to be able to keep that up for very long. My husband finally got home and began to build a trench leading the water from the crazy ice and rain away from the house.

Within about 30 minutes, the water slowed way down and it’s all but stopped now. It wasn’t what I planned on doing today, and it pretty much sucked. Despite sucking for the obvious reasons, add to that being on my hands and knees with the shop vac and that sent my joints into complete hell and subsequently canceled our movie plans. Actually, we also heard the roads still weren’t great, so that helped make my mind up to take the kids tomorrow. Praying that’s the right decision.

I’ve been researching weight loss plans to deal with the weight issues that having been, well, weighing me down for a while now. I need something that takes a lot of the guesswork out. I tried Take Shape for Life last year and I actually liked some of the food, but I didn’t do so well. I don’t know what to attribute my failure to. I think after the really tough first week and only losing three pounds, I was frustrated. People in the online support group were reporting 7-10lbs gone and I had a measly 3.

Anyway, I think I’m going to try another program that involves two shakes (or meal bars) per day and a healthy meal. They actually want you to eat every three hours. So what’s going to be different this time? I really wish I could answer that. The drive is there. I need to suck it up and do it. The programs I looked at included Ideal Shape, Shakeology, Isagenix (which a friend has been trying to get me to do) and 310.

Based on the ratings and the prices, I chose Ideal Shape. I’m going to give it my best shot. I hope to be able to order it on Tuesday. Up until yesterday I had my heart set on Isagenix. Two friends had great results, but it’s about $500 if I include the snack I’d need to get through the cleanse days. It also didn’t get rated as high as Ideal Shape in some categories.

Basically, the problem is me. I don’t feel that I’m eating enough to be this weight, but I’m going to give a serious two months to this program while I’m waiting for an appointment with another endocrinologist who specializes in endocrine issues other than diabetes. I tried taking the Metformin to treat the PCOS, but it made me nauseous and I didn’t have the insulin resistance that goes along with PCOS. I wanted to try something so bad, but I don’t want to be on a medication if I don’t truly need it…especially one that makes me nauseous.

This program also has some CDs to help me with self-hypnosis. Yep, I’m three shades of crazy, but I either have to be all in or not do it at all. I’m in. I want to look like myself this summer, not some fat version of me. The other thing is, losing weight has to help relieve the knee and ankle pain (I hope) from the rheumatoid arthritis. I also plan to chronicle my journey (even if it’s boring as hell) as a way to hold myself accountable.

I’ve also been going back and forth about going back on Plaquenil to deal with my arthritis pain. Also on my list to do this week would be finally going to get that blood test that my rheumatologist wanted me to get. I think it was called a Vectra blood test. It’s supposed to look deeper into the issue of RA, and once and for all have a definitive answer. Every specialist has something different to say.

Most agree that I have fibromyalgia. One thinks I have both fibro and RA. And let’s not forget the Raynaud’s. Can I just say that winter completely sucks with Raynaud’s? My fingers and toes are like painful icicles. As far as I know, though, there’s not much that can be done for it. That which does not kill us…oh whatever!

Tech Week Doesn’t Stop for Arthritis

nutcracker

The show must go on is my motto this week. It’s tech week for The Nutcracker, and if you have no idea what that means, it is the prior to the show where they rehearse every night and are given directors notes. Basically I have enough time to feed the girls dinner, help with homework and run out the door to get to the rehearsal.

My girls each have two parts in the show this year. Translation, there is no leaving before the show is done. Tonight we got home around 9:30. That’s late for my kids.

I knew today wasn’t going to be my best after I tried to get up off my stool at the pediatrician’s office that I had been sitting on all morning. I could hardly stand, let alone stand up straight. I must have looked ridiculous walking hunched over in from of people I hardly know. I really only see people there on my way in. For the most part I’m in an office by myself either on the phone or seeing patients.

My back just continued to seize up and then my damn toe started with that weird cramp/locked feeling. My pinky and fourth to cramp together and I can’t separate them or straighten them. If that sounds fun, I assure you it’s hell. Hell meaning you can’t stand on the foot, or even let go of it. Try having that happen at a dance rehearsal. At one point I was sitting holding my toes and trying not to scream.

I sound like Debbie Downer, but Tech Week is also a lot of fun. There is a cast of 240 children and teens with a full orchestra. It’s truly an amazing show and an incredible experience for the kids to see how a professional show is done. As any mom would, I can’t get enough of seeing my girls on stage dancing. My older daughter (9) is graceful and elegant. My younger daughter is not so graceful, but she’s a darn good actress. There’s no speaking roles, but her first role is a scurry mouse and she has to look angry, then scared, then cheer for the mice king, and then eventually leave the stage crying when he dies. I can’t stop laughing at my little drama queen up there waving her arms in the air and mouthing “WHY!” at the end. That kid belongs on the stage. I don’t know if she loves the dancing as much as her sister, but I think she’ll find something she likes on stage to do.

So it’s going to be a long few more days. I plan to nap tomorrow and I’m not sure I’ll get much done on Monday. I know my body well enough to know I’m running it too hard and something’s going to give. I’ve already started my immune support supplements and vitamin C to ward off a cold or something like that, but it’s my own body that I can’t avoid. When I push through to do the things I need or want to do, my body doesn’t always want to follow along.

I’m praying that I make it through the weekend without my cane, but I’m not going to miss any of it. I can’t. Moments like I’ll have this weekend are so important to me. Watching your child do something they love, whether it’s performing or doing a sport or art, there’s just nothing like seeing your baby excel.

Not to be left out, my son starting up wrestling again. This isn’t my favorite sport. I get nervous, though he did well last year. I missed his first two matches because of Nutcracker. I think he’ll be the most pleased when this week is over.

Anyway, I took a half an Ambien because even though I’m wiped out, I knew my head would hit the pillow and I’d be wide awake. Say a prayer that I can nap tomorrow. Even my cats miss me!

Too Busy to Blog???

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I really don’t have a great excuse as to why I haven’t written a blog lately. I’ve been really busy in the evenings doing a few editing projects. I also have been feeling like crap. Yesterday my vision started getting blurry during my session with my tutoring client and that turned into a really horrific migraine.

In all my stupidity, I didn’t want to cancel bringing my daughters to a Christmas dance shown that is put on by the company that they dance with. In some ways, I think they are shunned a bit for not doing the company Christmas show, and instead auditioning for the Nutcracker, which is a huge production that includes dancers from all the surrounding towns and into New York.

We had promised some of the girls’ friends that we’d go, and I bought the tickets ahead of time. I napped as long as possible prior to the show and off we went. It was a very nice show–more like a variety show, with singing and dancing. I made it through the first act okay, but during the second act I was counting songs from the program and estimating the time before I could go home and take a stronger medicine.

I drove home with one eye open and when I got back I took a Maxalt, which is something I only take in extreme cases. It’s just super expensive, like $100 for four pills, so I use them sparingly, but dear lord, last night I needed one. I went to bed with ice packs on my neck and over my eyes.

Luckily, I woke up and the headache was gone. I had plans to do some shopping today, and that went south when I hit a park in a department store parking lot. It was a little fender bender. My car has a scratch on the bumper and the man’s car had a small dent. You know that feeling right after an accident. That crunch sound and the “oh my god, this is going to  be a fortune feeling.” I had that. The man was an older war veteran and he could not have been nicer. He wanted to make sure my girls were okay, etc. We were all fine, and that’s what I tried to focus on. You can always replace a car, not the people in it.

After that happened, I lost interest in going to Kohls. I decided to shop online. I actually got a lot accomplished tonight. My biggest issue #1 is that my youngest daughter wants the Lalaloopy Diaper Surprise doll. Don’t know it? Oh it’s this doll that you give a bottle too, and she POOPS charms. You read that correctly. She poops out charms for a bracelet. I’ve tried to talk her out of it, but it was at the top of her list.

Feel free to have a laugh and check out the commercial for it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXexeL3IQbI

I have yet to decide what to do about that request. She has so many dolls on her list, I am going to have her narrow it down tomorrow. Another dilemma is that she wants the Baby Elsa and Baby Anna dolls from Frozen. Good luck finding those!

My second large issue is that my son wants a phone. Last year we told him if he made the honor roll, he could get one. That worked well. Then he lost it. He’s been without it for about 4 months. My argument is to replace the phone because I’m not spending $200 on an iPod Touch when he already has an older one and a Kindle Fire. My thought is, he is in middle school. The school has after school activities that he can just show up for. He could send me a text.

It’s no that I feel he 100% needs a phone. I just think the alternatives are all going to be only used until he gets a phone. I don’t know. He has just about saved up the money to replace the phone from chores and cat sitting for my parents. I just don’t want to get him a bunch of crap. I did find some fun things for him, but they are all fairly small. I got him a practice football jersey with our last name on it—he’s going to flip!

I also got him an indoor putting thing because he plays golf. There just isn’t that one main gift for him. I’ll figure it out. His dad doesn’t think he should get another phone, but I think people deserve a second chance. Plus that’s something he cares about it, so all I have to do is threaten to take it away, or take it away and have him think about the way he’s acting, etc.

My journey with my health is at a standstill. My step mother, who is a nurse, thinks I should go to NYC or to Yale for a second opinion on the thyroid issue. I’m going the no sugar route tomorrow. We’ll see how long I last, but my weight is a huge problem. It’s really depressing for me because I’ve always been super thin up until these last two years. I hate seeing myself in pictures or even a mirror. I look terrible.

My friend keeps pushing me to try one of those 30-day cleanses, but that sounds so overwhelming. There are four days in the month where you fast. You take a supplement and a full glass of water each hour for two days. I mean, people in her group are posting amazing results, but that is not an easy plan to follow.

Tomorrow I’m going to pretend like I’m back teaching step aerobics and do my thing downstairs. There is a fine line between working it and pushing it thought. I have crazy tech week for the Nutcracker. I can’t be out of commission with joint pain.

I’ll keep you posted on how it goes. I’d like to be down 10lbs by Christmas. Fingers crossed.

I’m a Bitch and Other Musings

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Do you ever have those days where you just know you’re not as patient and kind as other days? Maybe you snap at people. Maybe you swear or don’t care as much about things. Well, that was my day today. It didn’t start out that way. I had a decent morning; taught my class and had a conference call with a family that I am taking on as an advocacy client.

Then I got an email from my former friend, clearly trying to reconnect after our last dramatic fight. I’m pleased to say that I didn’t engage. But then, my computer started shutting down and I realized that my battery is no longer working. So every time you touch the power cord, it shuts down…in the middle of what I’m doing. This did not make for a fun afternoon.

I haven’t gotten as much done as I needed to this week and I had to stop and edit pictures for my son’s football banquet. I sent her a message on Facebook asking if her son would be a wrestling tonight so I could give her the disk of photos. Otherwise, I said I’d drop them off at her house. She immediately wrote back on my Facebook page that she doesn’t use Facebook messenger, and “what did I want.”

So I repeated my message on the wall, to which she responded that she needed the pictures by Tuesday so she had to come up with another idea. I had a WTF moment. Seriously? You are putting them in a slide show to play at the banquet. I can easily pop them into a slide show. As a matter of fact, I’ve asked if she needed help all along, including with the banquet. She did something similar to me last year, so I should have seen it coming, but I was pissed that she wrote it like that on my wall. Of course, nosy Facebook people emailed asking if there was a problem with the pictures, so I put them all (way more than she asked for on disk) on to Shutterfly and sent them all to the team, just like I did last year so people could buy them if they liked a particular shot.

I tried to let it go, and maybe I couldn’t because I have taken my Celexa in two days and I’m exceedingly bitchy. I sent her an email later this evening saying I was sorry if I held her up with the pictures, but that I was waiting on a shot of one boy that I didn’t get a closeup of. I said I was sorry if she couldn’t do something with the pictures that she wanted, but that I was deleting her Facebook post because I had two people asking if there were issues and I don’t like that kind of drama.

She emails back, what Facebook post? You know that feeling you get when you just know someone doesn’t like you. This is her. I can honestly say overall it really doesn’t bother me because I don’t see her or have close mutual friends. We’re friendly when we see each other and that’s fine with me. It’s just that the past two season’s I’ve done everything to try and help and be nice, and she still gives me a huge attitude. People like that just piss me off, and today was just a day where I had enough crap.

I have been feeling like crap. I stopped the Metformin after puking this weekend, but then I restarted half the dose on Tuesday. I needed that time to get over the nausea. So far so good on the new dose, and I’ll probably try and move up the dose next week.

I saw my rheumatologist on Tuesday. He wants me to do a Vectra blood test for rheumatoid arthritis. Has anyone had this done? I was given a huge box to bring to the blood lab. Odd. Anyway, he’s still questioning the RA diagnosis, so he says this will give him a better idea of what’s happening. I have the joint pain, significant pain in my hands and feet, but my swelling is usually minimal. At times my hands and feet have bad swelling, but when I saw him on Tuesday they were fine. Isn’t that always the way it is? I asked if he wanted me to call and try and get an appointment when they were swollen, and that didn’t go over well.

I know damn well he can’t get me in at a whim, though he said I could try. Otherwise, he wants to see me in March. That’s not going to happen. I’ve already decided I can’t make it through this winter off meds again. I will see how the blood work comes back, and go from there. I’m ready to go back on Plaquenil.

We are getting our first touch of snow tonight and it’s very cold. It’s only supposed to be a dusting of snow to an inch…nothing major for Connecticut, but I’m just not ready. I miss the warmth. My cats and I have spent most of the week under the heated blanket. At the moment, I have my big cat on my lap, all snuggled up. He makes it hard for me to want to move.

So Sick Today

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As I mentioned in my last blog, I was starting Metformin this week. I thought I was doing okay with it. I certainly didn’t have the “bathroom issues” that were commonly mentioned. I just felt a bit nauseous, but nothing I couldn’t handle. Until Friday. I had dinner, and my foot was again in hideous pain so I broke down and took a pain pill. Well the combination of the two sent me over the edge and I began throwing up violently around 1:00AM.

It was awful and I ended up not being able to sleep until close to 4:00AM. I was hesitant to eat anything this morning, but I ate a rice cake with peanut butter. I figured that was bland enough and I held it down okay. We went to my daughter’s singing lesson and then to Nutcracker practice and somewhere during the ride I lost vision in my left eye and I was in a full-blown migraine feeling like I was going to throw up.

I decided to go through the drive through and get a soda to try and calm my stomach. It was so bad that I asked the lady for a plastic bag just in case I couldn’t make it home. I ended up getting home safely and put ice on the back of my neck for an hour before having to go back.

Again, I had an hour or so of feeling okay, and then it was back and I was trying to get back home before tossing my cookies. I feel like I have very low blood sugar; that disoriented, cold sweat, nausea, etc. I slept for two hours and felt a lot better but needless to say, I’m not taking that medicine tonight. I’m going to take another day off tomorrow and try and start it at half the dose on Monday.

When I asked on the PCOS board, many people said they felt like that for a month or two. A MONTH OR TWO? There’s no way in hell I could be like this for a month or two. My son has his football conference championship tomorrow, and I need to be there. I can’t be puking at home.

I was forced to eat a slice of pizza by my family and surprisingly, I think that helped with the queasiness from the low blood sugar. I’m just hitting a wall. I want to lose weight and feel better, but I don’t know if this is the way to do it. I don’t want to be nauseous and puking all the time. Metformin may very well help with my PCOS, but given the fact that I have decided to go back on the plauqenil this week, after I see my rheumatologist, I don’t want to be on both. I’ll tell him everything and see what he says.

My foot has been in that terrible pain either once a twice a day since Halloween. Someone online scared me by saying they felt that kind of pain when their hand deformity started. It felt like the hand was clamped in a position, and that’s exactly what my toes feel like.

Last night really scared me. I’m not ashamed to say I was on the couch crying for my mom. Sometimes you just need your mom when you’re that sick. My mom can’t be here because she passed away at 43, so then I became irrational and started thinking I was beginning to get deformed feet, I was so sick and there was no end in sight, and I need someone to make sure my children are raised the way I want them to be if something happens to me.

Everything was hitting me at once, and add the puking to the mix and I honestly felt scared that something bad was happening. I spent today trying to imagine what my month would be like if I continue with the current meds. I don’t know what to do. I suppose I should call the endocrinologist and ask questions. At the moment, my focus is on being at my son’s football game tomorrow morning. That’s the only focus for now. My sister-in-law is taking the girls to dance for me.

I know my mother-in-law has big plans to go shopping for a new kitchen table for us, which is just so nice, but I don’t want to see her spend the money that she wants to spend. I have two ways to look at it. Her son doesn’t make a lot of money in their family business and we are living paycheck to paycheck. I keep hearing how it’s going to get better…for years. I know we can’t afford to replace the table now and I also know how much she has bought for her daughters. I shouldn’t feel guilty that she wants to do something nice. Her heart is in the right place, and at least this time she’s letting me choose the set (a nice step from when she showed up with all white furniture for a home with three kids, three cats, and a big black dog).

We just found one for half the price at Raymour & Flanigan that I liked just as much. She’s concerned that the one she found at Basset was heavier and will last forever. I’m not even sure I’m going to be up for this tomorrow. Like I said, first things first, I need to make it to my son’s big game.

I’m saying my prayers now that he has a great game. His confidence is increasing now that he’s further understanding the game, but I’d love to hear the announcer call his name for a tackle. His last tackle, they just announced the kid who got tackled and I know he was so disappointed (usually they say both names). If I had one wish, other than a team win, it would be for him to have some sort of special moment. Even a small one would mean the world to him.

I’m off to try and sleep. Wish me luck!

Being the Bigger Person Sucks

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Be the bigger person, blah blah blah. You know it’s what you’re supposed to do, and most of the time it’s the road I choose to take, but no one ever said it was easy…or fun. Today I was a room parent at my daughters’ Nutcracker rehearsals. Honestly, I love doing it. Getting to see them dance and perform is awesome, and it’s just a fabulous production. I love to see the behind the scenes of how they choreograph the numbers.

So that all went well. The problem arose when my former friend’s (the ass who hates that I blog) daughter was freaking out about not having a parent to pick her up. I let her use my phone to call her dad, and I guess there was some kind of mix up with the what he was saying and what the mom said.

He called me back a few minutes later to say that her mother should have arranged that. I had to explain that she wasn’t allowed to stay for an hour and a half between her two rehearsals because we’re still practicing at a studio and not on the big stage. He grew silent like it was a big deal to get her, so I (the bigger person) offered to drop her off at home. Why did I do this? I have no idea, mostly because I’m an idiot.

The kid is very fresh. I cut her slack because she’s had a tough time in her short life. She was snapping at me on the way because clearly, I got the info wrong. Not sure how I even factored into the situation, but I just said that she and her dad would work it all out when she got home.

Later, I received a text thanking me for the help. Then another text blaming the mom. I just texted back “no problem” and left it at that. I am not opening that door again. His level of drama gives me more stress than I can handle.

Then there’s my feet. Both feet are still swollen from last night’s trek around the neighborhood with the kids. My body is getting even with me for my crazy cat lady costume and wearing slippers. The toe pain from last night finally subsided, but I feel like it’s going to cramp up at any moment. I’m sitting here with a heating pad on it. I’m not even sure what the issue is. It feels like my pinky toe wants to lean left, and every time I move it slightly to the right, I feel like it’s going to get stuck again and cramp up.

It sounds ridiculous, but I’m in a lot of pain. Both my hands and feet are swollen, and on tomorrow’s agenda, in between shuffling the girls to rehearsals, I have my son’s playoff football game. It’s all in the same town, so it’s not a lot of driving, but Connecticut has been really cold the last few days. Today was just awful.

I’m trying to keep going until I see the endocrinologist on Tuesday, but if he says there isn’t anything wrong with me and he has no idea what’s going, then I’m making an appointment with the rheumatologist to start Plaquenil again. I’m hesitant to do it before meeting with the endo because I hate to start medications at the same time. I don’t have much hope for Tuesday, or at least I’m trying not to get my hopes up, but I’d really like to try the metformin and see if that has an impact on my weight and other issues related to PCOS.

Wish me luck on getting through tomorrow! I’m going to buy those disposable hand and feet warmers and hope they help. I’m going to need all the help I can get.

Don’t forget to turn your clocks back! An extra hour of sleep is always awesome. It’s waking up in the dark and having it be dark at 5pm that sucks.

 

 

 

Toes Aren’t Supposed to Cause More Pain than Labor

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I had a brilliant idea. I was going to dress up as a crazy cat lady tonight. I pinned stuffed cats all over a bathrobe, threw my hair in rollers, put on my slippers and off I went…well after I spent about 30 minutes doing “Elsa” makeup and zombie makeup.

The evening started out really well. We went to a neighborhood get-together and then went trick or treating. The houses in our neighborhood are fairly far apart and some have driveways that have large hills. I didn’t realize it until we got home that my feet were completely swollen. Perhaps slippers weren’t my brightest idea. The did have sole, though, so I thought I’d be fine.

The I tried to get into bed and it started. You know that feeling you have right before you calf is going to knot. Like the kind of knots that wake you from a sound sleep? It felt very much like that but for my little toe and the one next to it. I dropped to the floor and grabbed my foot. The only way I could stop the pain was to hold the toes and pressing them in toward the foot. If I moved them away, it cramped them up again.

Twenty five minutes of hell. My sweet son got out of bed to get me ice and take care of me. I ended up deciding that heat would feel better. I didn’t want to scare him, but dammit, I was scared. It’s not often that labor breathing comes into play for toe pain, but It was awful. I suppose it wasn’t a great idea in the cold with slippers, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything like this. Anyone else?

I took a full Ambien tonight just to try and get to sleep. My hands are also ice cold. Did I mention I hate cold weather??

Happy Halloween…oh by the way, my kids had a blast and that’s what really mattered. My “Elsa” went door to door announcing that she was going to build a snowman for people and singing Let It Go. My older daughter and her BFF walked around together and had so much fun. The BFF’s younger sister had me cracking up. She’s two and I think she might be a handful at times, but she is so darn cute. I loved listening to her talk. She was so adorable.

See..there were some high points of the evening.

 

Arthritis Hands Suck and Other Musings

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Everyone is posting on Facebook with their pumpkin recipes, jack-o-lanterns, and fall-themed things. To me, fall means the start of cold weather and the start of increased pain. Today was the first day in a while that I spent in bed most of the day. I couldn’t get warm, even with my heated blanket. My hands were cold, stiff, and painful. And to top it off, my youngest daughter faked being sick (age 8) because she missed coming to the gym with me.

You know those times where you are in a lot of pain and just want to sleep and something is talking incessantly? Yep, that was my day. I got to watch youtube videos on how I need to do her makeup tomorrow for her Elsa costume. She talked and talked…and talked. Even though she was incredibly annoying today (and I say that with love), I love the age she’s as and her out-of-the-box thinking. I love her exuberance about everything. Even on days like this, I know I’m very blessed to have my kids. They are everything.

I just spent the last 20 minutes on Amazon shopping for heated gloves. Those suckers are expensive. I’m going to try and buy a set of those heat packs for gloves and see if that helps. I have to go to my son’s football game on Sunday and it’s going to be cold. I don’t want to miss it because it’s the first game that he’s a starting player. I know I have written a lot about my son, and that he’s just not the star athlete that he wants to be, but for him, this is a huge moment. The coaches noticed how hard he’s been working and playing and they shifted him to a starting player because of it.

Don’t ask what position he’s playing because I probably don’t know, but I have heard nose guard and some other kind of guard. Someday I’ll be a football mom and understand the game, but for now I’m just super proud of my son. I feel guilty without much to say about my middle daughter today. She is thrilled that I’m going to be the room mom at Nutcracker this weekend and that I can finally see her practice the Ginger Clown piece.

I feel like everything else I have to say tonight is more of a grumble on not feeling well. I’m trying to keep my head up for my appointment on Tuesday, but I have to be prepared for the “non-answer” and no solution. I just want a reason for getting this heavy. I’m not eating enough to be this fat. I never thought I’d be one of those people looking for the quick fix to lose weight, but at the moment, that’s me. It just sucks. I hope the endocrinologist will at least let me try metformin based on my symptoms. but I have no idea.

Tomorrow is a busy day and I can’t sleep (even with a half an ambien). I have to work with my tutoring client and then my daughter’s class has a large pumpkin carving event at school. The whole fourth grade participates and she’s so excited about it. Then we’re coming home and getting ready to go to a party at the neighbors for Halloween. It’s very casual, and then we’ll go trick-or-treating. I know it will be fun, but walking around in the cold doesn’t sound appealing at the moment. I’ll get in the spirit at some point during the day tomorrow.

I just wish I could get some sleep now so I can stay awake and have some energy for it. I’m off to try. Sleep well friends!

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