Tomorrow Will Suck

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I’m trying to be positive about the breast biopsy I need to have tomorrow. I really am. For the most part I’ve stayed off the Internet, other than to diagnose myself with Stage 0 pre-cancer, which for me, is very positive. I’m usually jumping to death very quickly.

But at the moment it’s the procedure itself that’s scaring the crap out of me. It’s called a stereotactic biopsy where they can do a mammogram guided biopsy. It sounds dreadful. Picture a padded table where you ┬álay face down with your boob in a hole. Then the boob is squeezed and the table is lifted. Honestly it all sounds like something from 50 Shades of Grey.

Then someone else told me that while they do numb the area, when they take the tissue, it sounds like a loud gun and scares you. Awesome!

The office called this morning and the place I was going to now cannot do the procedure. The doctor that looked at my mammogram felt like I need this special machine because the suspicious area is so small. That’s a good thing. Small is good. They changed the appointment to a different nearby hospital that apparently have this new piece of equipment.

I need to get through tomorrow and then that’s step one. I spoke to a friend today who had her first biopsy come back normal and a second one come back stage 0. She had a lumpectomy and now they just watch her closely. They did want her to go on a drug called tamoxifen. That scares me because it affects your hormones.

Every drug I’ve ever tried that impacts hormones has been hell, including the pill. I’m not on a very low dose pill, but I have horrific migraines on my week off the pill with the hormone drop. Nothing about adding a new medicine into my already full group of RA meds sounds like fun.

The good news about the appointment change is that it is now at 8:30AM vs 1pm. I have no time to stress about it before we leave. I’m not a morning person so it’s basically wake up, shower, and go.

I’m taking for positive thoughts for tomorrow. Being afraid of the unknown sucks.

 

 

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Good News, But I’m Still Grouchy

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Good news first. I got a call first thing this morning that my ultrasound was completely normal. I shed a few tears on my way to teach my class, and then I found myself in a complete exhaustion for the rest of the day. I don’t know whether it’s that I worked myself up too much yesterday, or it’s the cold and rainy weather getting the best of me.

I wasn’t in terrible pain. I’d go with mildly stiff. At the moment my shoulders and neck are sore and my back and hip are in pain. My hands have been bothering me, too, but nothing unbearable. I slept most of the day away and I feel a little bad and lazy because of it, but I need to let that go.

Tomorrow I’m back at the pediatrician’s office and hopefully I’ll be good enough when I get home that I won’t need a major nap and I can actually get some things done around the house.

Tomorrow night is the only night this week that I don’t have to be out of the house doing something. I have my son’s open house on Thursday and Nutcracker auditions with my girls on Friday. My younger daughter may send me over the edge between now and then. She wants to do Nutcracker. She loved every moment of it last year, but she’s being a pain in the ass about the tryouts. She is saying she is nervous, which is fine. She doesn’t have to do it this year if she doesn’t want to, but rolling around on the floor during a practice session and completely ignoring the girl who is there to help is not acceptable.

So I’m grouchy. I’m grouchy that my house is a mess. There is a leak somewhere in my wall. I got a letter from the company that supplied this ice machine for my foot when I had surgery requesting the $11,000 that we owe them. I almost keeled over. It was explained to us that they would only go through insurance and there would be no outside cost to us. It was a machine to keep my foot cold for two weeks. Eleven thousand dollars! I feel like I can’t win. My insurance sucks so bad. Every time I got for blood work for my autoimmune stuff it runs about $800-$1,000.

I’m actually going to break down and look into the Obamacare stuff before the open enrollment in November. I feel like I’m just paying for nothing. They hardly cover anything! I don’t want to make a big change before I see the endocrinologist. I just don’t want to do anything to mess with that appointment. I feel like I’ve waited long enough.

Anyway, that’s really all the news I have for the night. I just wanted to share the update that everything came back fine with my ultrasound. It was a huge relief. I’m still waiting for the mammogram results, but to me honest it’s the ovaries that get me in more of a tizzy.

Still Waiting for Answers

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To say I’m feeling stressed is an understatement. Today was my annual pelvic ultrasound and mammogram. Because my mom died at 43 of ovarian cancer, and my grandmother also died of ovarian cancer later in life, I have to go for ultrasounds as a preventative measure because there really are no signs with ovarian cancer. So, it goes without saying that I get stressed before these appointments. Add to that the fact that this morning’s appointment was a bit out of the norm and I’m kind of a mess.

My insurance doesn’t cover ultrasounds so I opted out of the belly ultrasound and just did the vaginal one because they get a clearer picture of the ovaries with that anyway. The tech took a really long time and sometimes that is normal as one of my ovaries is up high. She then said that she was going to do the stomach ultrasound to see if she could get a better picture, but that she wasn’t going to write it down so I didn’t get charged for it, which was really nice. Although I was super thankful for that, it also concerned me. Was it because she saw something out of the ordinary, or that she just couldn’t get a clear picture of that left ovary?

As she was leaving the room the tech said that my doctor was in the office today and that she would call me later with the results. Well, I never received a call. So I have come up with the following possible scenarios. #1. It’s Monday, she got busy and didn’t get to my ultrasound results yet. #2. It’s not good and she’s going to call me tomorrow…if it was a simple call the nurse would have done it for her. #3. She saw it and it wasn’t serious so she thought she’d call tomorrow.

Now I’ll rip those apart. She’s known me for 17 years and she knows I stress. I don’t think #3 is plausible. So it’s either that she didn’t have a chance to read the results today or that it’s bad. I’m opted to take a half an ambien so that I can sleep and turn my mind off from worrying tonight. There’s nothing I can do until tomorrow. For the first time, I’m thinking it’s going to be okay. That in itself is a little strange, because I’m a glass half empty kind of girl. I like to prepare for the worst case scenario.

At the moment, I’m in bed. My kitten, Biscuit, is snuggled up against me, purring. That always calms me. He’s such a strange little guy. He carries around dolls shoes or small things all over the house. Everything is a toy, but it is usually something like a shoe from an American Girl doll (that I probably paid a million dollars for). I suppose I should be happy that someone is playing with it! Since I raised Biscuit and his sister Cookie from the time they were two weeks old, they are very attached to me. But, Biscuit is ridiculous. He loves everyone from me to the cable guy. He just walks up to anyone and jumps in their lap to snuggle. The cable guy was here last week and he jumped right in the guy’s tool bag and started purring. My cats keep me calm and mostly sane!

Some good news for the day, which was very unexpected…my son won an essay contest at school. I’m going to sound like a horrible mom for a moment, but I almost didn’t believe him. He didn’t even want to enter the contest, but when I found out he got 10 extra points on his first test if he entered I made him do it. While I didn’t write it for him, I sat and brainstormed ideas with him about what he liked about science, asking him questions about experiments he did last year. I did proofread the essay, as my son is dyslexic, and it’s also safe for me to make sure he used complete sentences and that there weren’t any typos.

I thought the essay was okay. It wasn’t the greatest thing I had seen but it really did reflect him as a learner and how he learns best by doing hands-on projects and that his reading issues make textbook learning more difficult. He came home all excited today that in he was one of four students in his class that one the contest, which means he gets to go one four science field trips where they get to do hand-on learning at different places.

My son has never won anything academic, so even though I don’t think this was award winning in terms of his essay work, he did well and he must have said something that they liked enough to pick him. To see his genuine pride and excitement was the highlight of my whole day. For a kid that spends a lot of time trying to play catch-up in school to his peers reading level, etc., it was awesome to see his sense of pride in this accomplishment. I was one proud mama and I think the science field trips will be an awesome experience for him.

I’m going to end tonight’s blog on that high note, and hope I can do the same tomorrow. Good night autoimmune friends!

 

 

 

It’s an Insomnia Kind of Night

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I haven’t had insomnia in a while. That’s mostly because I’ve been taking Melatonin around 8pm and by 11pm I’m pretty tired. If I forget, then I take a half an Ambien on some nights, but I try to only do that when necessary. I totally forgot tonight and I’m wide awake because I have a lot on my mind.

Tomorrow is my annual pelvic ultrasound (don’t be jealous). I get myself stressed out for this. In case you haven’t followed my blog for a while, my mother died of ovarian cancer, as did my grandmother, so these ultrasounds are done as a preventative measure because there really are no definitive signs for ovarian cancer. My doctor said “everything felt normal” at my yearly appointment, but until I have the ultrasound, I’m stressed. Add to that, I scheduled a mammogram for right afterward. I figure, let’s have all the fun in one day.

I do my monthly checks, but I know of about 5 people around the age of 40 who have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, so that’s on my mind, too.

But, what’s really bugging the crap out of me is a conversation I had yesterday that I can’t get off my mind. In case I haven’t mentioned, I started speaking to my friend again–the one that dissed the idea of this blog. We don’t talk often. We are not Facebook friends, and I have no desire to get our friendship back, but we have texted and emailed back and forth.

I prefer to have things in a peaceful, resolved state than in an angry one, but at the moment, I’m angry again because he’s an asshole. As I have mentioned previously I work for a nonprofit that helps families of children with special needs. I also tutor a man with autism, who is 50 years old. The conversation I had with this friend was regarding my tutoring job with my autistic client. His position is that it is a waste of state funding to have me work with my client because he’s worthless to society and never going to get any better. My position is that while the goal has never been to cure his autism, it is the help him increase his verbalization so that he can express himself in an emergency or other situations when needed.

His mother set up this program and another woman and I have been working with him for over two years. I’m not going to sit here and say that every day with him is fabulous. It’s definitely hit or miss, but overall he has come a long way. I see some very important strides, and I don’t believe as a society we should give up on people because they are disabled. This is a man with a tremendous mind. If I give him a date, he can tell me what day of the week it was on. He can tell me what day a game show premiered on. His mind is fascinating.

Anyway, my point is, this conversation really pissed me off because it showed me this person’s whole way of thinking. That in his world he has more value than other people, and I just don’t see it that way. Needless to say, I don’t think we’re talking much again, and that’s fine with me. We’re very different and he insults my parenting. My son has high anxiety, and the way I deal with issues with my son is very different than they way he handles his kids. I made a choice a while ago to stop getting our kids together because it just causes problems. He treats his kids like mini-adults and I treat mine like kids.

So I’m annoyed and wide awake. The only good news I have is that my hopes from last night’s post came true. My son had a big play in today’s game. He recovered a fumble from the other team, and as Mother of the Year, I missed it! I was watching the cheerleaders! I suck. All of the sudden I saw the coaches and kids cheering for him and I looked around asking for anyone who knew what happened.

Luckily I found someone who explained it all to me so I could congratulate him at the end of the game. It was a huge deal for him. He looked so proud of himself, and that was all I really wanted. He needed that moment so badly. I’m so sorry I missed it, but I was so happy I saw the look on his face when his coaches and teammates were cheering him on. I was a huge deal!!

Wish me luck tomorrow.