A Day of Reflection

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First I’d like to say I was pretty crotchedy in my last post. Yes, my former friend was immature, but I need to grow up and not let things bother me. The following day as we were walking into Nutcracker practice we literally ran into each other and were pretty much forced to say hello. We did so, politely, and moved on. I guess that’s all I wanted. It’s just so much easier to be nice than it is to go out of your way to ignore someone or be an ass. Just my opinion.

I spent yesterday running around like a crazy person from Nutcracker rehearsal to football game and back to another Nutcracker rehearsal. By the time I was driving home, I had a full-blown migraine and was losing vision in my left eye. Despite how messy my house was, I walked inside, told the girls they could watch a movie and went into my room to lie down.

I’m trying to understand the difference between tension headaches and migraines because lately my headaches are all starting with neck tension and tight muscles rather than my usual ocular symptoms. The headaches always involve ocular symptoms, but it’s the way that they are starting that’s new. I’m just wondering if I’m getting tension headaches or if there is a huge difference at this point. The muscles in top of my shoulders and up through my neck are always ridiculously tight, but when I get a headache you can feel an actual band of tightness stemming from the base of my skull to my shoulder. When I stretch the area, the pain is enough to make me want to jump through the roof.

I felt a lot better by this afternoon. I think my body was just reminding me that I have an autoimmune disease and it’s not going to let me do everything I need to get done without one part or another crying uncle…or in my case locking up and not moving. It sucks, but that’s what I have to deal with. The good news is that I did make it out onto the track this evening with my son and I was able to even jog a little bit. I felt pretty good about that.

The reason for the title of today’s post is because I learned on Facebook that my uncle passed away today. There are just some things you wish you didn’t hear through social media. This was my mother’s step-brother, and since my grandmother passed away about 6 years ago, we have not had much contact, but when my mother was alive, we’d see them regularly. My mother was the glue on her side of the family. Everyone loved her and confided in her, even though they all could barely stand each other. I wasn’t close to my uncle, but I sat there for a while this afternoon with my memories and couldn’t help but feel sad.

I’m mainly sad that their whole family cut everyone off and has chosen to live with so much anger and hate. Long before I was born my maternal grandfather passed away and my grandmother remarried the only grandfather I ever knew. He had two sons and they were Jewish. My family is Catholic. We were quite the mix on Christmas Eve, but somehow it all worked out, or at least in the eyes of a child it all seemed happy, but my uncle and his wife were constantly feeling like the other brother, and my mom’s brother got everything and that they got nothing. They felt that they were always last.

I suppose this is where I get my ease of listening to other people without badmouthing the other party. My mom always did that really well. Even when she agreed that the person was being an ass or making things difficult, she just had a way of saying it where no one was upset with her. I haven’t quite inherited that part, but I do feel like I’m a decent listener. As I have said before, when it comes to my mom’s family, I’m the only one who talks to everyone.

I’m sad for his family as when I saw some of the posts from his kids it was clear there was strife in his own immediate family. I guess what I’m saying is, count your blessings. Say I love you to people, and don’t walk away angry unless you are really prepared to leave things that way. Life can be short. I don’t have regrets with my uncle, as we were on good terms, but it’s always sad to lose someone.

While I’m on the subject of keeping peace, I’m patting myself on the back for not flipping out that my mother-in-law called me all excited today that my daughter’s First Communion is on May 2nd. Let me explain. Apparently she booked the country club for that date weeks ago (nope, no thought of asking me) and was hoping that the First Communion would be on the first weekend in May as my other daughter’s was. She has been calling the church each week for updates. Did I know this? Nope. Does she go to our church? Nope.

And it gets even better because my niece is also making her First Communion so apparently it’s going to be one big shin-dig at the country club. I know she means well, and it’s not even that I wouldn’t have agreed to have a party there. I knew there would be no chance of not doing something with my sister-in-law as she changed churches so we could “share” this event. We had to have a joint Baptism, too. God help us all if they suggest a double wedding!

Anyway, I appreciate, that my mother-in-law would like to throw a party. Is it wrong for me to want to be involved, or even asked about what I’d like to do? Am I wrong to think it’s completely inappropriate for her to be calling the church to check on my child’s First Communion? Am I being a bitch? Tell it to me straight. She has no idea that I’m irritated because she caught me off-guard this afternoon when she called to celebrate that the communion was on the day she pre-booked the club. When I asked my sister-in-law if her mother asked her before booking the club she said no. I was pretty snotty when I said, “well from here on out, I’d really like to be included in the planning of my daughter’s party.”

That was bitchy, and I’m okay with it. It could have been worse, knowing me.

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My Friend Bashing Post

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I’m irritated this evening, and I know I shouldn’t let stupid things bother me, but eh…sometimes they do. Tonight was our big Nutcracker meeting. They entire cast gets together for a two hours meeting with the director, choreographers, seamstresses, stagehands, etc. The kids get to see who got what role, like who is play Clara and the Sugar Plum Fairy, etc. My girls are fairly young, so I can’t say we really know any of the older girls in the large roles, but some of them look familiar from previous years.

Remember my idiot friend who hated my blog? Well, his daughter does the Nutcracker, too. Remind me to kick myself for mentioning it a few years ago. Anyway, he walks in, looks at me and walks the other way. Are we 12? I carried on my conversation, because I have gotten to know a lot of the moms over the past few years and I’ve met a lot of really nice people. A few minutes later his daughter came up to my girls and I to talk. Of course, I was nothing but nice to her. She drives me nuts, but she’s a child and it’s not her fault both her parents are idiots and don’t happen to be teaching her proper behavior or manners.

She told me she was going to ask for a second role and as any motherly figure would, I encouraged her to do so. I took these kids under my wing several years ago, and I do still care about them, though it’s very different now that they are older and their behavior is really bad (especially the girl). She then went on to say she was confused as to why my two girls got two roles and she didn’t. I just politely shrugged that off.

During the meeting, my former friend sat on the complete opposite side of the auditorium by himself. Even when his daughter came over to sit with me again, he didn’t even turn to glance my way. If that’s how he wants to play it, so be it, but what a complete ass. I fully intended on saying a polite hello this evening, and not having things be ugly. I had no intentions of sitting with him or starting up a conversation, but I’m not in high school, I wasn’t going to ignore him. Jackass! So for a little perspective, I sent my friend an IM…she agreed that he was a jackass and mentioned that he posted something about finding “the one” on Facebook, so it made further sense because I’m really only needed when he needs a friend. If he’s got a girlfriend, he doesn’t need advice on the kids, or help from me. And good luck to her! As sarcastic as that sounds, I truly only wish him well, but a person who says things as cruel as he does to other people (not talking about me here, just talking about his every day FB life) isn’t really a happy person on the inside. Finding a wonderful person can make you feel awesome for a long time, but sooner or later, the fact that you’re a miserable person on the inside comes out…unless she’s a psychotherapist or something 🙂

Other than that the meeting was fine and my older daughter had her first practice today. She had a blast. My younger one starts tomorrow morning and then they have a practice together in the afternoon and somewhere in the middle I have to be at a football game for my son. This is the time of year where having an autoimmune disease and being a mom is really tough. I want to do everything and be everywhere for my kids. I love everything about my kids’ activities and I love being there to support them in whatever they do. I won’t lie, though, when I looked at the Nutcracker schedule for October with both girls having two roles and one of the dance buildings not being open yet for the year…I’m nervous. There are days when I have practices in two different towns a few hours apart, and I know I have my son’s stuff to do in between there, too. Or even worse, i I have to drag him along to Nutcracker, he is not a happy camper!

I am looking forward to going to the endocrinologist this week and hopefully digging a bit deeper into what’s going on with me. If I can tackle the hair loss, the exhaustion, and the weight gain, that would be a huge start. Heck, I’d even just start with let’s take on the exhaustion! I know I’m running on adrenaline today. I’m excited for my kids and that does factor in. I’m going to crash on Mondays, which I suppose is the best day of the week that could happen on, as I don’t have to leave the house on Mondays.

I have also been fighting a tension headache/migraine for the past few days. Between the ice and the muscle relaxers, I’m keeping it at bay, but I’m definitely not at 100%. Today it was pouring rain and cold, which meant hip, foot, and hand pain. I really notice it in my legs after I’ve been sitting for a while. I just can’t get up and start walking like a normal person. Standing up and beginning to walk is more of a process now. Getting out of the car is difficult. There is the moving one leg at a time and the the actual getting up.

I like my car better because it’s an SUV and I short, so I’m getting down out of the car. When I have to take the other family car it’s not exactly my style. It’s a Mercedes coup and it’s small and low. I suppose I should like it. First and foremost, it was free. Free is good. It was my father-in-laws car before he passed away and when my husband took over his business (I won’t even get started on that ordeal because it is book-worthy) he needed a better car to get him to all the buildings that the family owns. It sounds like we’re doing super doesn’t it? On paper we are…just not in our check book. We have tenants that haven’t paid rent in months but the commercial space is so large we can’t get anyone else to take it. It’s more drama than I need to share at this point. I’ll save that for a day when I’m upset with my in-laws 🙂

My point was, when I drive the Mercedes, I have a tough time getting out of the car. And you’re thinking, cry me a river, bitch! I know. I have a car, I’m lucky enough to have a roof over my head and three beautiful kids. Despite having special needs, they could be more perfect to me and nothing makes me more proud than being their mom. So yes, I have my issues. Some sound silly when I write them out in a blog post, but still I’m a person in pain and that sucks. It sucks not knowing how I’m going to feel tomorrow or the next day.

I have to wake up early for church tomorrow to bring my kids to CCD. I’m not even tired, But I’m hoping Beverly Hills, 90210 will put me to sleep. Good night all!

 

 

 

Wish I Had a Xanax

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I need to call in a refill for my Xanax tomorrow. My daughters are auditioning for the Nutcracker. It’s the third year for my older daughter and the second year for my younger daughter. I vented the other night that they have been working with the daughter of a friend of mine to prepare for the audition (at least I think I did) and they were super annoying, but tonight they were amazing. They each know what they are going to do for their 30 seconds along time. I just need them to remember to smile. My older daughter is shy and serious, but a beautiful dancer. She just needs to crack a smile.

I need to pop a xanax while watching the one hour audition. First they teach the girls choreography and then they have them run that in groups of four. My little one is a loose cannon during this part. It’s hit or miss whether she picks up the choreography. I’ll be praying. And if my loose cannon doesn’t get nervous and can actually be her fun self on stage, I know she’ll do great, too. It’s so stressful! I know they’ll both get in because they were in it last year and they both did well.

It’s really my older daughter that’s the big concern. My little one wants to be a Scurry Mouse. There isn’t a whole lot of technique in that role, and she gets to be scary. She’s perfect, and it’s right for her age group. My older daughter is 9 and that’s a tough age because there aren’t many real ballet roles and there are a lot of kids. If you can spare some positive vibes, send them our way. OMG, I’m a dance mom! Last year, there was a crazy dance mom who volunteered with me all the time. I have less patience this year. I’m not sure I can handle her again.

I have a new favorite show that is a guilty pleasure. It’s called Kim of Queens. It’s hilarious. If you haven’t seen it, it comes on right after the crazy Dance Mom show, and it’s about this pageant lady that trains girls to be in pageants. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not for pageants in any way. They just aren’t something I’d want my girls to do, but this show was downright hysterical. What I did like was that all the girls weren’t skinny and fake. She had real girls, and they were all Southern and some of them had terrible manners. It is not going to win an Emmy or anything, but it was fun! I’ll schedule that in between Breaking Amish and the other nonsense I watch.

Tonight I’m working on a migraine. I’m sitting here with ice–again. I’m debating on getting up to actually take an Excedrin. I skipped a birth control pill accidentally and that is a big trigger for a migraine for me. So I can blame myself for this one. I’m not sure I can blame myself for the shoulder and joint pain, though. I’m pretty sure that has nothing to do with my class at the gym. It seems more like the cooler weather is causing my rheumatoid arthritis to give me more pain. It’s odd. I usually don’t have pain in my shoulder joint. That’s a new one for me, but I guess RA has no boundaries. No joint is immune.

Okay, this is going to end quick tonight because I need to try and get some sleep.