Good News, But I’m Still Grouchy

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Good news first. I got a call first thing this morning that my ultrasound was completely normal. I shed a few tears on my way to teach my class, and then I found myself in a complete exhaustion for the rest of the day. I don’t know whether it’s that I worked myself up too much yesterday, or it’s the cold and rainy weather getting the best of me.

I wasn’t in terrible pain. I’d go with mildly stiff. At the moment my shoulders and neck are sore and my back and hip are in pain. My hands have been bothering me, too, but nothing unbearable. I slept most of the day away and I feel a little bad and lazy because of it, but I need to let that go.

Tomorrow I’m back at the pediatrician’s office and hopefully I’ll be good enough when I get home that I won’t need a major nap and I can actually get some things done around the house.

Tomorrow night is the only night this week that I don’t have to be out of the house doing something. I have my son’s open house on Thursday and Nutcracker auditions with my girls on Friday. My younger daughter may send me over the edge between now and then. She wants to do Nutcracker. She loved every moment of it last year, but she’s being a pain in the ass about the tryouts. She is saying she is nervous, which is fine. She doesn’t have to do it this year if she doesn’t want to, but rolling around on the floor during a practice session and completely ignoring the girl who is there to help is not acceptable.

So I’m grouchy. I’m grouchy that my house is a mess. There is a leak somewhere in my wall. I got a letter from the company that supplied this ice machine for my foot when I had surgery requesting the $11,000 that we owe them. I almost keeled over. It was explained to us that they would only go through insurance and there would be no outside cost to us. It was a machine to keep my foot cold for two weeks. Eleven thousand dollars! I feel like I can’t win. My insurance sucks so bad. Every time I got for blood work for my autoimmune stuff it runs about $800-$1,000.

I’m actually going to break down and look into the Obamacare stuff before the open enrollment in November. I feel like I’m just paying for nothing. They hardly cover anything! I don’t want to make a big change before I see the endocrinologist. I just don’t want to do anything to mess with that appointment. I feel like I’ve waited long enough.

Anyway, that’s really all the news I have for the night. I just wanted to share the update that everything came back fine with my ultrasound. It was a huge relief. I’m still waiting for the mammogram results, but to me honest it’s the ovaries that get me in more of a tizzy.

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Still Waiting for Answers

Ovarian Cyst

To say I’m feeling stressed is an understatement. Today was my annual pelvic ultrasound and mammogram. Because my mom died at 43 of ovarian cancer, and my grandmother also died of ovarian cancer later in life, I have to go for ultrasounds as a preventative measure because there really are no signs with ovarian cancer. So, it goes without saying that I get stressed before these appointments. Add to that the fact that this morning’s appointment was a bit out of the norm and I’m kind of a mess.

My insurance doesn’t cover ultrasounds so I opted out of the belly ultrasound and just did the vaginal one because they get a clearer picture of the ovaries with that anyway. The tech took a really long time and sometimes that is normal as one of my ovaries is up high. She then said that she was going to do the stomach ultrasound to see if she could get a better picture, but that she wasn’t going to write it down so I didn’t get charged for it, which was really nice. Although I was super thankful for that, it also concerned me. Was it because she saw something out of the ordinary, or that she just couldn’t get a clear picture of that left ovary?

As she was leaving the room the tech said that my doctor was in the office today and that she would call me later with the results. Well, I never received a call. So I have come up with the following possible scenarios. #1. It’s Monday, she got busy and didn’t get to my ultrasound results yet. #2. It’s not good and she’s going to call me tomorrow…if it was a simple call the nurse would have done it for her. #3. She saw it and it wasn’t serious so she thought she’d call tomorrow.

Now I’ll rip those apart. She’s known me for 17 years and she knows I stress. I don’t think #3 is plausible. So it’s either that she didn’t have a chance to read the results today or that it’s bad. I’m opted to take a half an ambien so that I can sleep and turn my mind off from worrying tonight. There’s nothing I can do until tomorrow. For the first time, I’m thinking it’s going to be okay. That in itself is a little strange, because I’m a glass half empty kind of girl. I like to prepare for the worst case scenario.

At the moment, I’m in bed. My kitten, Biscuit, is snuggled up against me, purring. That always calms me. He’s such a strange little guy. He carries around dolls shoes or small things all over the house. Everything is a toy, but it is usually something like a shoe from an American Girl doll (that I probably paid a million dollars for). I suppose I should be happy that someone is playing with it! Since I raised Biscuit and his sister Cookie from the time they were two weeks old, they are very attached to me. But, Biscuit is ridiculous. He loves everyone from me to the cable guy. He just walks up to anyone and jumps in their lap to snuggle. The cable guy was here last week and he jumped right in the guy’s tool bag and started purring. My cats keep me calm and mostly sane!

Some good news for the day, which was very unexpected…my son won an essay contest at school. I’m going to sound like a horrible mom for a moment, but I almost didn’t believe him. He didn’t even want to enter the contest, but when I found out he got 10 extra points on his first test if he entered I made him do it. While I didn’t write it for him, I sat and brainstormed ideas with him about what he liked about science, asking him questions about experiments he did last year. I did proofread the essay, as my son is dyslexic, and it’s also safe for me to make sure he used complete sentences and that there weren’t any typos.

I thought the essay was okay. It wasn’t the greatest thing I had seen but it really did reflect him as a learner and how he learns best by doing hands-on projects and that his reading issues make textbook learning more difficult. He came home all excited today that in he was one of four students in his class that one the contest, which means he gets to go one four science field trips where they get to do hand-on learning at different places.

My son has never won anything academic, so even though I don’t think this was award winning in terms of his essay work, he did well and he must have said something that they liked enough to pick him. To see his genuine pride and excitement was the highlight of my whole day. For a kid that spends a lot of time trying to play catch-up in school to his peers reading level, etc., it was awesome to see his sense of pride in this accomplishment. I was one proud mama and I think the science field trips will be an awesome experience for him.

I’m going to end tonight’s blog on that high note, and hope I can do the same tomorrow. Good night autoimmune friends!

 

 

 

It’s an Insomnia Kind of Night

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I haven’t had insomnia in a while. That’s mostly because I’ve been taking Melatonin around 8pm and by 11pm I’m pretty tired. If I forget, then I take a half an Ambien on some nights, but I try to only do that when necessary. I totally forgot tonight and I’m wide awake because I have a lot on my mind.

Tomorrow is my annual pelvic ultrasound (don’t be jealous). I get myself stressed out for this. In case you haven’t followed my blog for a while, my mother died of ovarian cancer, as did my grandmother, so these ultrasounds are done as a preventative measure because there really are no definitive signs for ovarian cancer. My doctor said “everything felt normal” at my yearly appointment, but until I have the ultrasound, I’m stressed. Add to that, I scheduled a mammogram for right afterward. I figure, let’s have all the fun in one day.

I do my monthly checks, but I know of about 5 people around the age of 40 who have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, so that’s on my mind, too.

But, what’s really bugging the crap out of me is a conversation I had yesterday that I can’t get off my mind. In case I haven’t mentioned, I started speaking to my friend again–the one that dissed the idea of this blog. We don’t talk often. We are not Facebook friends, and I have no desire to get our friendship back, but we have texted and emailed back and forth.

I prefer to have things in a peaceful, resolved state than in an angry one, but at the moment, I’m angry again because he’s an asshole. As I have mentioned previously I work for a nonprofit that helps families of children with special needs. I also tutor a man with autism, who is 50 years old. The conversation I had with this friend was regarding my tutoring job with my autistic client. His position is that it is a waste of state funding to have me work with my client because he’s worthless to society and never going to get any better. My position is that while the goal has never been to cure his autism, it is the help him increase his verbalization so that he can express himself in an emergency or other situations when needed.

His mother set up this program and another woman and I have been working with him for over two years. I’m not going to sit here and say that every day with him is fabulous. It’s definitely hit or miss, but overall he has come a long way. I see some very important strides, and I don’t believe as a society we should give up on people because they are disabled. This is a man with a tremendous mind. If I give him a date, he can tell me what day of the week it was on. He can tell me what day a game show premiered on. His mind is fascinating.

Anyway, my point is, this conversation really pissed me off because it showed me this person’s whole way of thinking. That in his world he has more value than other people, and I just don’t see it that way. Needless to say, I don’t think we’re talking much again, and that’s fine with me. We’re very different and he insults my parenting. My son has high anxiety, and the way I deal with issues with my son is very different than they way he handles his kids. I made a choice a while ago to stop getting our kids together because it just causes problems. He treats his kids like mini-adults and I treat mine like kids.

So I’m annoyed and wide awake. The only good news I have is that my hopes from last night’s post came true. My son had a big play in today’s game. He recovered a fumble from the other team, and as Mother of the Year, I missed it! I was watching the cheerleaders! I suck. All of the sudden I saw the coaches and kids cheering for him and I looked around asking for anyone who knew what happened.

Luckily I found someone who explained it all to me so I could congratulate him at the end of the game. It was a huge deal for him. He looked so proud of himself, and that was all I really wanted. He needed that moment so badly. I’m so sorry I missed it, but I was so happy I saw the look on his face when his coaches and teammates were cheering him on. I was a huge deal!!

Wish me luck tomorrow.

 

A Much Calmer Night

Caillou

Boy I was hell on wheels last night (see yesterday’s post). I do have a bit of a temper, but as I said last night, I’ve never lost my cool with this friend before. As a matter of fact, I can’t even think of many friends I’ve ever lost my cool in that way with. I mean, okay, there is the friend who told me I was stupid to start blogging–by the way he sent me a random text tonight about Caillou. It actually made me laugh, but I’m not buying into the game. When we were really good friends a few years ago my youngest daughter had a bit of an obsession with Caillou. For those of you fortunate enough not to know what the heck I’m talking about, Google it. He’s a bald, whiny little boy, that complains about everything. I can’t stand that kid. Apparently my ex-friend’s (LOL) daughter was watching the show on television this evening.

Anyway, he is really the only friend that I can think of that I got into fights with. I mean really arguments. No matter how angry I am, I don’t say mean things to hurt people, and unfortunately he can’t say the same. When I argued with my friend “Lilly” the other night I was harsh, but never mean. I didn’t call her names or use mean language, or say one thing that I regret saying. What I said, she needed to hear. Whether she took it in or not, I have no idea. My guess is no, but I gave it a shot.

Today was hectic again. I feel like I have so much to do before we leave on vacation and not enough hours to get it all done. I need to do some serious cleaning tomorrow and organize the kids’ bedrooms. Even if I can just get the kitchen, living room and bathrooms set, I will be happy.

My back and hip are still pretty stiff and nothing I’m doing is really helping. I go back to the rheumatologist the week after I return from Florida, but even with all my online research, I’m just so hesitant to start anything new. I’m not great, but I’m certainly not as bad as I was during the winter. I think if I’m going to break down and try something new it will be when I’m in desperate need. I know I’ve asked a lot of questions through this blog on Lyrica and Cymbalta. Those two drugs seem to be what are commonly prescribed for fibromyalgia. The side effects make me really nervous. First of all with so many people claiming a 30lb weight gain with Lyrica, I’m super hesitant to jump on that bandwagon. I already feel as big as a house.

With Cymbalta I read things like thoughts of suicide, and other side effects. I know they have to list every single thing every person noted, but I get nervous. Right now I’m still on the Flexeril 10mg at night, but I really don’t feel like it’s doing that much. Lots of people say they feel sleepy and relaxed. I feel nothing…seriously nothing. Sometimes I wonder why I take it, but I think overall it does reduce my migraines because my neck doesn’t get as tight.

The other thing the rheumatologist is going to bring up is doing those trigger point shots again. I’m going to give those a big thumbs down for me. The first time I thought they really helped. I’m not sure if he hit a nerve, or if that’s even possible, but beginning just two days after the shots I add a marathon three-week migraine and I would prefer not to relive that experience…ever. What I might do is ask to try a different muscle relaxer, not necessarily a stronger one but possibly a different kind. Any thoughts on this? Is anyone taking something for fibro that they actually feel is helping?

It’s really difficult because I feel like the fibro is affecting all my muscles and the RA affects my joints. The combination is just not fun. I know it could be so much worse, but I’m trying to think ahead for the winter months and have some sort of plan of action in case I have a really bad winter again this year. Any help is appreciated. I know different drugs work for different people, but I’m always interested to hear what people think is actually helping them to feel better. There are dozens of medications and I’ve taken so many that I just don’t think have done anything for me. It’s just not worth the risk if it’s not helping.

Then I’ll add into the mix my yearly ob/gyn appointment. I work myself up into a frenzy each and every year, but this year I’m already a wreck. My appointment isn’t until August 5th, but I’ve already decided that I have a cyst on my ovary and I’ve probably waited too long to deal with it, and it’s going to be cancer. After all, I’m 42 and my mom died at 43, and this has been my fear all along. I don’t know how to stop the irrational fear…at least I hope it’s irrational, but I can’t shake it this year. I have been having pain on one side, similar to the type of pain I get with a cyst (which is all too common for me and they are usually normal). The truth is, I’m just scared. This is going to sound like the most conceited thing ever, but my kids won’t make it without me. I think about what their life would be like with my in-laws calling the shots. They haven’t got a chance.

So I can’t die. For that reason alone…my kids need their mother…I can’t die. It’s going to be a stressful few weeks and I see a few Xanax in my future. We do what we need to do to get by. One day at a time.