Grieving Is a Process

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Do you start grieving after someone has died? Or, do you start grieving the moment you know you are going to lose them? Do you start feeling the pangs of sadness wondering what it will be like when you can’t just pick up the phone and call them? They won’t be at holidays and birthdays, dance recitals and football games. Some people live for every moment they have left and don’t think about what’s around the corner. I envy those people.

I’ve had a lot of loss in my life. My mom had cancer for the first time when I was 11. I look at my daughter who just turned 12 and only now do I see what a baby I really was. She died when I was 14, the age of my older daughter. You never get over the loss of your mother. I mean, you replace the intense pain with good memories, but there are times that it hits you like a ton of bricks and simply paralyzes you. Then there are other times where you can talk and laugh about your memories, finding comfort in them.

I lost my step-father a few years ago. In fact, he was in my life longer than my mother. They were married about 9 years but he remained in my life until I was 45. He was my rock and once again, I was devastated.  In between the two, I lost my grandmother, which felt like losing a mother all over again.

All of this brings me to now. My step-mother (my dad’s wife) has cancer. She had cancer a few years ago but it came back. It’s bad. She had a procedure a few weeks ago for a blood clot and shortly after it was like she had dementia. My dad can’t really leave her alone. They missed my daughter’s birthday. I knew it was bad. I pretended they called while she was out.

I went to the house the next day so my dad could go to his own doctor’s appointment. I’ll admit, I was really scared. I didn’t know what I’d feel like if she didn’t remember me. What if she brought up memories of when I was a teenager and we hated each other. We’ve grown to love each other so much since then. She’s been the most amazing grandmother to my kids. But none of that happened. She slept the entire time I was there.

My dad stopped by today with my daughter’s birthday gift. We talked for a bit in the driveway. He wanted to know all about my son’s golf tryouts. My dad and step-mother are big golfers, and they were the ones who got my son into golf. They take him golfing every summer to their golf club. I offered to go stay with my step-mother if my dad needed to get out because he mentioned that she turned the shower on and didn’t remember doing it. It was then that he told us their friends were coming over on Wednesday so he could go clean out their lockers at the golf club. They would not be joining this year. He told my son that his grandmother wasn’t well enough and he said, “And me, well…” and he fought back tears. Then he quickly left.

I should have done so many things. I should have grabbed my dad and hugged him. I should have said something but in that moment I didn’t know what to do. I looked at my kids who were blindsided by this news. They knew their grandmother had cancer, but I hadn’t told them about the dementia because we hoped it might be temporary after the procedure.

My dad and I are terrible communicators with each other. My dad isn’t a communicator. I think that’s probably why my mom and dad got divorced in the first place. My dad loves me more than the world, but he doesn’t always say the words. We don’t always say the words. I need to figure out what to do to help him, other than just bring food over and offer to let him get out for a few hours.

I need to help my kids and I don’t know where to begin. My son is 15 and he thinks the world of his grandmother. My parents think the world of their grandchildren, but my son goes down there and hangs out with them. They golf together. They watch basketball together. They are very close. He just kept saying, “She’s going to be okay, Mom. She’s strong. She’s going to get through this.” Only she’s not.

And so I’m grieving. I’m grieving what I’m going to lose. I’m grieving what kids are going to lose. I’m scared for my dad. I guess I’m at the age where we start taking care of our parents. My dad is fine physically and mentally. He’s in good shape for the most part, but soon I have to think of him alone. Soon I’ll have to have conversations about him living alone…maybe getting a house with an in-law apartment (he’ll hate that idea). He’ll hate the idea of a life alert thing. Luckily, I’m 1/4 mile away and I can stop by, but our relationship will change a lot. I don’t know that either one of us are ready for this. I don’t know where to start. But seeing my dad cry was awful. Knowing that he’s hurting and losing the love of his life…if we could only have more time.

 

Don’t take time for granted. I think I’d do things differently. I wonder if I tell her how much I loved her right know if she’ll really know. And I pray for my children’s sake that she can have a good visit and remember them, even if she’s not totally herself. They want to hug her and tell her they love her.

I’m a downer tonight but I needed to get this out. I’m sorry 😦

 

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Turning 14

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It should be another birthday, another year to celebrate, but when my daughter turned 14 last week it hit me really hard. I was 14 when my mother died of ovarian cancer. So, there was a flood of feelings I just wasn’t expecting. I thought about my relationship with my daughter. We are very close. If I were to die tomorrow, would she have enough memories for the rest of her life? Would she have enough things to remember me by? Would I have taught her enough? Could she possibly know how much I love her?

Now, God willing, I have a lot longer to live. But, when you lose a parent at a young age, you learn quickly that anything can be taken from you. Nothing lasts forever. I have friends who have both parents and their grandparents. I’m so envious of the time they’ve had. I wonder what my life would be like if I still had my mom. I wish she knew my kids, or could have given me advice during some dark times in my 20s.

I’m not my mother. And, I pray that I live long enough to see all three of my children get married and have children. But today as I went out shopping to Target and Home Goods with my daughter, I couldn’t help feeling overwhelmed with emotion.

I’m sure this is likely compounded at the moment because my step-mother is not doing well. She has cancer and I know our time is limited. I don’t know how to talk to my kids about it. They know she’s sick. They know it’s not good. I just can’t get the words out to tell them how I feel. I don’t suppose there are people who are great at dealing with death, but I’m someone who sucks at it. I’m scared for her die. My kids are close to her and I love her very much.

So in the midst of “14,” I have a lot of other things going on. My migraines have been horrendous. I’ve had them for two to three days at a time every other week. I’m working like a maniac and I feel like I’m not getting enough done. Tomorrow I need to make a calendar so I can start to plan my week better. This winging it isn’t working for me.

I need to make some changes to the things I can control. We shall see how this works out.

Can’t We All Just Get Along?

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It’s been a long weekend. My older daughter had a dance competition both Friday and Saturday night. Today, I went grocery shopping and did some cleaning. My daughter has a friend sleeping over because tomorrow is a snow day. It seemed to be a nice evening and then all hell broke loose. We asked my son to get off the XBox so his sister and her friend could use the tv. He had been on it for a few hours and enough was enough. He stalled and was rude about it.

My husband told him to get off of it and my son went into his room, slamming the door. That didn’t sit well with my husband who went in there screaming. I’m trying to shut everyone up because we had company. It turned into my husband wanting to shut my son’s phone off for life, my son wanting to call 911 because my husband shoved him into our bedroom to talk (because he didn’t want to be yelling in the hallway). They both over-reacted. I don’t know how to fix their relationship. I actually don’t even think I can.

Was my son rude? Absolutely! Should he have a consequence? Definitely! Would I handle things the way my husband does? Probably not. We are very different people. The two of them are oil and water. My son takes everything my husband says and twists it around into my husband picking on him and hating him. It crushes my husband inside. My husband is a terrible communicator. I know he tries his best, but he doesn’t do emotion that well. My son is like me. He’s over-emotional. I wish I knew what to do. I backed my husband up because my son was definitely wrong and no matter how many times he said that he didn’t mean to slam the door, I don’t buy it.

On another note, I’m blowing my diet. I was doing really well and then yesterday at the competition I saw a photo of myself. I wanted to cry. It was like all my hard work and the fact that my clothes were feeling loose didn’t matter. All I saw was huge. Today I ate like 10 coconut clusters. I don’t even want to admit this to my health coach. I should, though. I’m a damn failure at everything. The only good news is that I ate everything between 12-8 so at least I stuck to that.

I just wanted something sweet and then I couldn’t stop. I guess that’s sugar addiction. I just need to stop sugar all together. I think that’s the only way this will work. I have to pick up the pieces and keep trying. My doctor’s appointment is a month from today and I wanted to be 140 or lower. I need to do this. I will re-group and start again tomorrow. Send prayers. I need all the help I can get. And, if anyone has any parenting suggestions, I’ll take them!

 

Parenting Dreams

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All parents have dreams for their child. Mine started when I was pregnant. We didn’t find out the gender with my first baby (my son), but when I was pregnant for the second time I knew I was having a girl. Immediately the hopes and dreams of dance recitals, braiding hair, and dress up filled my head.

While I have experienced all those things by now, I’ve also been a football mom, a baseball mom, and now a gold team mom. There’s nothing more exciting, thrilling, and sometimes heartbreaking than to see you child participate in a sport or activity. With my son the up and downs have been over play time on the field and kids being assholes. With my first daughter the ups and downs have included seeing her perform solos (something I never thought she’d ever do) and several lows when she didn’t get roles that she has wanted in Nutcracker.

My youngest daughter took a while to find her “thing.” I think she naturally did dance because her older sister did. She likes dance, but when she tried gymnastics it was clear that is where he heart was. It’s been an exciting ride.

I’m proud of all of them for different reasons. Both my girls chose to step out of their comfort zones and switch studios/gyms to further their training. My son has worked really hard to be a better player and went into his freshman football season confident in his game. Unfortunately, when you have a parent of twins as a coach, and one of the twins plays the same position as your son, we learned it just doesn’t matter how well you play. Sometimes you aren’t getting that playtime and it’s not always fair.

While this made for a difficult and emotional first season, I’m proud of my son for not giving up, even when some of his teammates were complete assholes. Since my son was beating the “twin” out in practice, that boy’s friends did whatever they could to knock my son down. Definitely a tough lesson but a good life lesson. Bosses aren’t always fair. Teachers aren’t always fair, and yes, coaches aren’t always fair.

So why am I telling you all of this? Because I don’t want to be the pushy sports mom. None of my kids have even been a huge standout in their activities. My older daughter is a beautiful dancer, but there are many beautiful dancers on her team. My youngest thinks gymnastics is life, but there are a lot of girls in her group that don’t have the fear that I sometimes see in my daughter.

It’s really hard to know what to do in these situations. With my son and football, it was everything I could do to reign in my anger and not want to punch some 14 year old. I made a decision to let him handle the issue on his own as much as possible but it was so freakin hard to have your child get in the car in tears that the whole team hates him. Did the whole team hate him? I’m sure not. But at the time he felt like he didn’t have any allies.

It’s hard for me to sit and watch my older daughter on stage for a solo. I spend the whole time praying. Praying she doesn’t fall; praying she lands her turns, etc. I thought it would get easier as the season went on, but it didn’t.

With my youngest, I think I need to pretend I’m not nervous for a meet. She took the year off competing after switching gyms and recently just started on a competitive team again two weeks ago.

I think I was always aware that there would be stress parenting tweens and teens. It’s a whole different world from the stress of having three kids under the age of 4. I realize it’s a bit ridiculous that I’m stressing out over my kids’ activities and it’s something I want to change. It’s hard. I’m emotional and I just want my kids to be happy. They don’t need to be the best, but they need to do their best. I’ve learned that I’m not calm when my kid isn’t being treated well by a coach or teacher, but I’ve also made a conscious effort to take a step back.

Parenting is freakin hard. My son is finally having some happiness with sports on the high school golf team. He’s a really good golfer and it’s nice to be recognized for his talent. I think his most exciting moment so far was when a junior asked him (a freshman) to help him with his golf game. My son was so excited to help someone else and that the kid even would ask him. It was that type of complement he’s been missing in his sports.

As the seasons are all winding down and before they start up again in September, I’m trying to remind myself that it’s not about me. I can’t fix it. I can’t change it. I can just encourage my  kids to do their best.

So how do you deal with the parents who think their child is going to the Yankees or the Giants? Smile. I’m telling myself just to smile. Perhaps they are living vicariously through their kids success. I don’t want to be that person. I want to sit an observe (and maybe pray) that all goes well.

Lord, I wish there was a rule book for this crap.

The Plan Is Set

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I have a plan. It’s a start anyway. I had an MRI and have met with two surgeons. I liked them both, but decided to go with the one that dropped the f-bombs because I like a person who is straight-forward. She is highly recommended by several friends who have used her and I just felt very comfortable with her.

So I’m letting her take out part of my boob. The bad news…well I guess the whole thing isn’t great news…but the first surgeon was putting a radioactive seed int he day before and I felt like — Okay, I have a theme song, Radioactive by the Firm. That will get me through. But now they are sticking a wire into the area the day of the surgery instead. You try coming up with a song with the word Wire in the title that doesn’t suck.

So I asked one of my dearest friends to help me with this dilemma and she thought for a moment and said, “I don’t know, maybe Sledgehammer??” Then she profusely apologized and said she was sleep deprived, but I couldn’t stop laughing and now my surgery theme song is Sledgehammer.

I feel like everyone should have a theme song for life events. At the moment I’m not scared. I’m done with the testing and the waiting for the moment. Though the biopsy came back benign, I’m prepared for all case scenarios. The surgeon does not like the way it looks, but it could be nothing. It could be atypical. It could be stage 0. All of those things require no significant treatment. It could also be stage 1 or beyond cancer and I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

Right now, the focus is on making my kids feel secure that I’m going to be fine. My son has a fear that I’m going to die because he’s 14 because my mother died when I was 14. So telling him I’m having surgery was not easy. I’ve spent a lot of time assuring them that I know it’s all going to be fine. I pray I’m doing a good job of that. I will deal with whatever is coming my way, but the less they have to worry about, the better.

So surgery is the 13th. Theme song is Sledgehammer (thanks Colleen). And I will probably not panic until the 12th. You can stay tuned for that blog soon. Right now, I’m happy to have a plan and a doctor I really like.

 

Irrational Fear

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I don’t know whether it’s listening to all the news stories or terrorism, hate, and violence, but I’m becoming more and fearful of even normal things. I’m not sure it’s at the “I need a psychiatrist STAT” mode, but it’s enough that I check in with my kids a lot, I look around nervously when we’re in a crowd, and I lie in bed at need creating terrible scenarios in my head.

I guess I’m wondering how many people are dealing with similar issues. I don’t think I’m alone. These are scary times. I don’t want to get into a political debate but the current turmoil in our country is not helping.

If you take one look at Facebook you’ll scroll past people bashing President Trump followed by people saying horrendous things about “Libtards.” I’m wondering where we want wrong that the two sides are so far apart that we don’t even listen anymore.

I’m of the believe that 15% of the people on each side are extreme and the other 70% of us fall somewhere in the middle. While we may not agree or like Trump, we’re not pretending he isn’t president. Or while we may have strong beliefs about abortion, that doesn’t mean we can’t find common ground on other issues.

I don’t know about you, but I’m not seeing any of that at all. There’s not much in between, even at a local level. I have previously discussed the nightmare of politics in my small town. I won’t rehash it all as it’s been two years but when I attended a meeting this past week and realized things haven’t changed all that much.If thing scan’t change in a small town with so many people working for the betterment of schools and the community, how can we do it on a larger scale in the country?

But it’s not just politics that are causing my fear. I’ll be driving down the road and fear one of my cats got out and eaten by a bobcat. Or I get a strong feeling on our boat that it’s going to crash.

At the moment, I’m not stopping myself from doing things, but I’m also pretty okay staying home if I don’t need to go anywhere. I guess one could say these are irrational fears, but then I start to think, are they? There are people murdered every day. There is human trafficking, kidnapping, and so many other horrifying things going on and I’m here in my bubble.

I know enough psychology to know that my fears stem from losing people I love early in life and then again when I was a grown up. I’m afraid that something will happen to my kids and I won’t be there to protect them. How do you balance letting them grow up and holding on for dear life.

My kids are my everything. They are three very different little (not so little) human beings. My son is starting high school and I keep thinking I only have 4 more years with him at home. I’m NOT ready!

I’m not going to be a good empty-nester. I’ll be one of those women with 30 cats an a few dogs. I need to mother something! In the meantime, I need to find a way to push back the irrational (or even rational) fears standing in my way. I’m not afraid to say I’m scared. I just need to figure out some sort of plan of action (other than Xanax) when I’m a mess.

I’ll work on that. If you have better ideas, I’m happy to hear them!

Blogging Is Hard

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I’ve written about 10 blogs since my last post. Most were about how hellish it was waiting for my genetic testing results. I decided they were all too boring and never posted them because I was whining. They told me the tests would take 3–5 weeks and I tried to be optimistic, which is not my strong point. I told myself I’d get the call in 3 weeks…then 4…then 5. Then I called to see if there was a problem, but nope. They just weren’t back yet.

Seven weeks later I got the call while I was teaching a class but I saw it was the hospital and answered it anyway. Happily I can report that my genetic testing is fine. I did not have the BRCA gene mutations or any of the other mutations they tested for. This was a HUGE relief.

I attributed my horrific anxiety to the waiting. Though I can’t say it was on my mind all the time, I figure subconsciously it was adding stress. I was waking up with panic attacks and that panic feeling would last all day unless I took a Xanax. I tried everything. Running (well as much as a girl with rheumatoid arthritis can run) did help.

I have one of those Couch to 5K apps and though I’m at a point where the running intervals are too long for me, I still keep going , or at least I was until the last two weeks. We’ve had temperatures over 90 every day and running doesn’t even remotely sound like fun. Instead, I spend 30 minutes swimming laps (again…RA girl, not a strong swimmer, sometimes with a damn pool noodle but kicking my legs the whole time and moving my arms). It’s enough to get my heart rate up and I’m doing something.

Even with that and the relief of my genetic testing news, I’m still struggling with my anxiety. I’ll hear the smallest thing and that will be it. Or sometimes it’s nothing specific and it will just come on out of nowhere.

I’ve been into my essential oils. I don’t want any of my doTerra friends to jump on me here because I love my doTerra oils, but I’m a broke girl…I found a few blends online that I have been diffusing that I think have really helped with my anxiety and they are like $4. I do think there is a correlation between scent and the mind. It doesn’t take the anxiety away, but it helps me.

My vent of the evening is probably one most people have at the moment. Have you had enough of people arguing politics on Facebook, Twitter, etc.? I try to stay out of it. Our country is in a scary place right now and I try and listen with an open mind when people talk. I can’t stand people who are so far in either direction that they can’t have a conversation and listen to someone else’s views. If that’s you, you are part of the problem. We need to get back to being able to listen and disagree without all hell breaking loose.

The Internet changed that for us. Memes changed that for us. We never had Bush/Clinton?Perot memes, but boy some of those would have been funny.

I have one Facebook friend who endlessly posts anti-Muslim things. I try to understand where it’s coming from and it’s a place of fear. She’s afraid for herself, her family, her country. I understand the fear. I don’t understand blaming an entire religion when we have many Muslim Americans fighting in our military against ISIS.

I don’t know that I’ve ever been political on this blog. I’ll probably get a slew of mean comments, and I guess that’s okay. People have their strong beliefs on what needs to be done. I’m one of those people that is somewhere in the middle. I think we have two crappy choices and need to decide who will be the lesser of the evils.

Maybe they are both great people. I am just not sure I think someone who gets into a 7 or tweet Twitter war with a celebrity in charge of when we declare war. On the flip side, there are huge trust issues with Hillary and I’m not sure she brings the kind of strong arm protection we need as a country right now.

What I’m trying to say is I have no freakin idea and I’m going to watch each and every debate. But anyone who thinks they are changing someone’s opinion with a meme on Facebook, I’m sorry. You are making yourself feel better about your decisions. That’s all.

So RA? How’s that? Well me sed rate is down. My C reactive protein is down so all that is good. Overall I feel well. It’s the summer. I do better in the warmth. I can swim, which helps. I have had a few days of stiffness and pain where I’ve needed some pain medication, but very little more than muscle relaxers and Alleve. I’m counting my blessings and taking the reprieve from the intense pain for as long as I can.

I hope my autoimmune friends are all doing well too!

 

Motherhood: The Perpetual State of PMS

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Well, ok motherhood doesn’t come with bloating, but the emotional highs and lows of being a mom closely resemble my hormonal change during the month. I won’t lie. I’ve always been that person that gets overcome with emotion and cries thinking about a moment. What someone put into something; what it must feel like; etc.

My children mock me because I cry at every one of their events from First Communions to dance recitals, to football banquets. It’s jut a known family fact that if my kids are doing something special, in all likelihood I will cry. I tell them it’s my God-given right as a mother.

Today my oldest daughter, who is 11, had a recital with her vocal coach. She is my shy kid. It’s not easy for her to get up in front of people and she panics. When she panics, I panic for her. I decided in the car the other day that I’m like an empath. I take on other people’s feelings. I’ll get back to that in a moment.

Last year was the first year she sang alone and she did fantastic. She completely broke down during intermission and didn’t think she could do it, which then had me on edge wondering if she was truly going to be able to do it and what we’d do if she ran off or it didn’t go well. I wasn’t going to let her back out because I knew she could do it, and I knew she had the talent. There is no way I’d force her to sing in front of an audience if she wasn’t really ready to do so.

This year she shocked me and chose a song that was really hard. It switched keys in the beginning and switched octaves later on. The good news was she was singing BEFORE intermission this time. She would get it over with and not have to panic for the entire recital.

I dropped her off to warm up and my younger daughter and I went to a few stores to kill some time. I ended up buying my daughter a bracelet that says, “She Believed She Could, So She Did.” It’s a struggle to get my daughter to believe in herself. I wanted to get her something to remind herself that she needs to remember she has the strength inside to do whatever she sets her mind to.

As I stood in the store choosing the bracelet in tears (again), my younger daughter who does not sugar coat said, “Mom, pull yourself together.” (She’s 9.) I was blessed with my youngest daughter for a reason. She challenges me a lot and will likely be the cause of all of my gray hair, but she make me laugh like no one else can, and she says exactly what she thinks which is mighty refreshing.

I popped a half a Xanax when we got to the concert, don’t judge. I did okay through her groups numbers, but the solo killed me and I cried the whole time. Oh I tried to cry quietly, but apparently I made everyone in the rows across from me cry because they were watching me cry. But, my daughter sang beautifully and I was so proud.

Later we went to dinner and once again my kids were asking why I cry so much at events and I think my son was wondering if I cry in particular at his events. I’ll admit I don’t cry during football at this point. I cried the first time his name was announced. I cry at the banquets when the coach is speaking about him, but he doesn’t always catch those moments. My son has been struggling to find his place in the world of sports. He desperately wants to be a great baseball and football player and maybe he will be, but right now he’s just okay. But when it comes to golf, the kid is amazing.

I turned the subject to golf and said, “Well someday when you’re playing at the Master’s, I’ll be at the side of the putting green sobbing while you’re trying to make a very important putt.” I also asked if he’d wear pants with flamingos on them if he was going to be a professional golfer but I was completely shot down on that.

My kids are all kind of finding their own way and it’s a good thing, but they are getting big and it’s just a new phase for us. My son does baseball, football and golf. My oldest daughter was just offered a spot on a dance team, and my youngest has moved away from dance and found a great love of gymnastics. Honestly, I could care less what they pursue as long as they are active and happy.

Back to the empath issue. When I was driving the other day I was thinking about a friend that was going through a difficult situation. Immediately I can put myself into her shoes (as much as possible) and feel that devastation to the point of almost a depression. It can also go the other way. When a friend has a wonderful success, my feeling of happiness and joy for them is very intense, like I can feel the joy they have inside. I decided I’m an empath and that’s not a good thing.

It causes me to have some highs and lows that really have nothing to do with me. Do I sound crazy enough yet? Eh…it’s a blog. If I’m crazy, I’m crazy. At least I’m honest about it.

In other news, I’m down 20lbs. I still look terrible and heavy, but I’m down two pant sizes. I need to be down two more before I’ll really celebrate, but it’s a start. I was gaining 2-3 pounds per week with the medicines I was on for chronic pain, rheumatoid arthritis, anxiety and birth control.

I am off meds for chronic pain, and yes…I’m in pain. No Alleve doesn’t fix it, but moving often helps. I hate when people tell me that, but for me it has helped. My neck has been pretty bad lately and that’s been tough, but other than that I’ve really been okay. As I mentioned in a previous blog the anxiety has been rough.

My new combo of meds is allowing me to lose some weight, though. So for that I’m thrilled. I have a lot of work to do, but I’ll just keep walking/moving/jogging and cutting down on late night eating, which is darn hard when you’re an insomniac. I get hungry at 2AM!

So I’m going to try and sleep before I get up and eat something.

 

 

Town Politics

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I don’t like politics. I have my views, and I don’t shove them on anyone else, and I hate when people shove theirs on me. But national politics are very different than local politics. I live in a fairly small town in New England. Living about 8 miles from Sandy Hook Elementary School, our lives were forever changed by the massacre that occurred on 12/14/12. It also changed the things that area schools do to protect our children.

Our town is in a first with our First Selectman over money needed for special education. For those that have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I work for a nonprofit doing special education advocacy. Let’s put it this way, a town cannot simply decide not to fund special education, Unless, of course, they are willing to take on the lawsuits that will result from that decision of doing something against the law.

Our town’s Board of Education requested a special appropriation of money because they are over budget due to the need for long terms subs and special education. Our First Selectman and Board of Finance turned the other way and ignored a 1000-person signed petition for a town meeting. I’m going to be blunt…I think he’s a schmuck. Funny that no one on either of those boards have a child in the district.

So all of this is on my mind today. It wasn’t an eventful day overall, but it’s one that’s fairly pain-free, so I’m thankful for that. I’m just finding that my patience is thin. I snapped a lot at my kids today, and I hate when I’m like that. I’m just tired of the bickering and nastiness toward each other. Do you ever just need a break from your kids?

Maybe I sound like a horrible mother saying that, but sometimes I just need a break. I have three kids, two of whom have learning issues, and two of whom (not the same two) have ADHD. Homework is not easy, nor fun. I’m just crabby today.

For the first time I’m hoping for a snow delay tomorrow. I’m overbooked and that would clear my schedule. Also, I cheated on my diet terribly today. I mean, not just a little cheat. I found chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels…ate way too many. And, I had an ice cream sandwich. I never crave ice cream. It’s not really my thing. I enjoy it when I have some, but it’s nothing I go out of my way for.

My youngest daughter begged for them in the grocery store today, and I didn’t expect to have one, but I’ll admit…her’s looked delicious. So it’s back on the wagon tomorrow and I will be stepping up the exercise. I also wasn’t great about drinking the crazy amount of water today, and believe it or not, I’m finding I feel better drinking all that water.

I have more energy and I think I have less headaches. So, it’s back measuring my water intake. I need to find more willpower. I’m going to force myself to write down everything I eat. Maybe that will help.

Hoping you all had a pain-free day.

Still Dieting

snow

It’s day 4 of my Ideal Shape diet. Yesterday was easy, but today I had to go to brunch for a family event. I probably ate more at that one meal than I would have if I were home, but I skipped an extra meal today and only had four. I’m probably not supposed to do that, but I really wasn’t hungry.

Interestingly, what is the most difficult is getting all the water in. That’s a LOT of water, definitely way more than I’m used to drinking. I’m wondering if my headaches will improve a bit with all the extra water. My brother-in-law is a neurologist and he always said dehydration is a major cause for headaches.

I got to go to dinner last night with an old friend and that was good therapy for me. She is one of my oldest friends. We met in kindergarten. I think I needed the therapy session with someone who knew my mother. We went through a lot around the same time, first with my mother being sick and dying of cancer, and then she had her own family issues a year or two later.

When you’ve known someone that long, inevitably you have a lot to reminisce and laugh about. It was a good night.

We are now expecting a huge snow storm. Depending on who you listen to, it’s either starting tomorrow morning or after 5pm. They keep moving it up…and increasing the amount of snow we’re supposed to get. I stopped listening when the amounts were over 18 inches.

I braved the grocery store with all the nuts getting their bread and milk this evening. I like to cook when we’re snowed in, so I bought a roast and snacks for the kids. And, I stocked up on cat treats for the furry children. Heaven forbid they go without.

I don’t mind the snow when I have nowhere to go. It’s kind of nice being snowed in, as long as we don’t lose power. Our electric company has already sent a robocall about power outages. So basically, people are going insane.

Typically we don’t lose power that often. We survived Hurricane Sandy with only a few flickers, but everyone else on our road was out for over a week. We’re on a different power circuit (that’s about as technical as I get). We do have a wood stove, so that will help should we lose power. I have my crocheting, board games, cards, etc. We’ll keep busy.

I just signed up for Netflix. I might possibly be the only person that hasn’t joined until now. I’m hoping that will be something the kids and I can do tomorrow. I was looking all over for the movie West Side Story to show it to my daughter. She’s all into musicals and I know she’d love it.

So that’s the plan for Snowpacalyse. Stay tuned. Hopefully I can survive baking cookies, etc. with my diet!

 

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