Diet: Day Two–I’m HUNGRY


I’m hungry. I’m really hungry. I was fine until about 4pm today, and then I started to get hungry. I ate my dinner, and then I had a few pieces of mango, which is not included in my diet. Then, I had two spoonfuls of rice pudding. I’m sorry! I did it! We’re moving on. I exercised for over an hour today in class so, I’m giving myself a little break. Mango is healthy and rice pudding, well, well, it was two damn spoonfuls.

I don’t feel as well as I have been the past few days. While my energy level is still up, my allergies are terrible and I’m not sure if that is causing my headache or if I’m on the verge of a migraine. My right hip is also bothering me quite a bit today, but it’s still nothing like it was a few weeks ago in the cold weather, so I’m trying not to complain.

My 9-year-old just woke up after having a nightmare about our old dog. We had to put her down a few years ago after she was diagnosed with bone cancer at 12-years-old. She was my first baby. That dog never left my side through three miscarriages and years of infertility hell. It’s not that I don’t love our current dog, she is very sweet. She’s just not the brightest bulb if you know what I mean. Anyway, my daughter dreamed that a huge rock fell on my dog and she woke up crying.

Truth be told, she went to bed with a lot on her mind. Apparently one of the girls in her class made a “friends” list today and opted to leave my daughter off of it. My daughter has some very nice friends in the class, in fact her best friend is in the same class and said something to the girl who then said, “well, everyone always tells her she’s pretty and she’s stuck up.” Okay, let me explain something about my daughter. My oldest daughter (the one who was called stuck up) was painfully shy. She has come so far in the past few years, but in kindergarten, she didn’t speak to anyone other than one friend and the teacher for months.

She made some really nice friends in first grade, but still refused to raise her hand in class, or speak in front of the class. She was truly afraid and panicked, and I understood that, because that’s how I was as a child…heck, sometimes that’s how I am as an adult. My older daughter is my easiest child because she just seems to get along with everyone. She has a very easy going personality, and chooses friends that are really positive, nice kids. Maybe this girl misunderstand my daughter’s shyness for being stuck up, or maybe this kid is just a snot herself.

Girls are just mean. It’s funny when this kid was here for my daughter’s birthday party (for those of you that read that post, she was the one on her damn iPad all night) I told my daughter if she ever behaved like that at someone else’s house, I’d be very angry. So I think my daughter had a lot on her mind. She’s sound asleep next to me at the moment.

This parenting stuff is hard! There are no rule books when you want to call another mom and tell her child off…of course that would be inappropriate, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have the urge to do it.

I think for the first time in a while I might pop a half an Ambien and put an ice pack on the back of my head. I was going to get into the story of how my friend deleted me on Facebook again…oh heck, it’s a quick one. Refer back to this post about my friend who thinks my blog is a bad idea.  We hadn’t talked much since that day. We exchanged a few texts or Facebook messages, but usually when we have any sort of argument he deletes me as his Facebook friend. About four or five years ago when we were really close, this would upset me because at the time I was really trying to help him and his kids through a rough time, and he knows just what to say to set me off.

For whatever reason, after this argument he didn’t delete me, and things just went on as normal. We weren’t mad at each other, or at least I wasn’t really mad at him anymore, but I also didn’t have any real desire to hang out or anything like that. I enjoyed seeing his posts regarding the kids, etc. Anyway, the day after the wedding last week when I was feeling like a turquoise sausage he messaged me, and I snapped at him about not wanting to discuss how fat I looked. Okay, it probably was uncalled for, and he never had called me ugly, but I was having a really low moment.

When I went back a day or two later to send a quick note to say, I was sorry and I didn’t mean to snap, I realized he unfriended me. My usual M.O. is to ignore it, but because I knew I snapped at him, I sent him a note asking him why he deleted me. I’m sure that in itself shocked him. When he made some comment about how he didn’t have time in his life for me to be mean to him, I did apologize and explain that I was really having a tough moment and took it out on him. Anyway, he accepted my apology, and we moved forward. I did get in a “keep in touch” and that made me laugh because it’s just nonsense.

So in the spirit of getting rid of toxic friends, perhaps he got rid of me, and I’m tossing out a few people that have been driving me nuts lately and choosing to surround myself with positive people. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle. It’s perfectly okay to have a day or two (or more) where you aren’t okay. But, I am choosing to try and be positive as much as I can about my life. Some days it sucks, but I realize how much I have to be thankful for, and one of the three biggest reasons is sound asleep next to me.

It’s funny when you put all the petty bullshit aside and focus on what really matter, life gets somewhat easier. My family and my health, then my friends and my job. My cats obviously factor in there, and we can’t forget about Brutus! Have a good night.






Women, Friendship and Gwenyth Paltrow


I slept most of today. This just isn’t my best week. It’s so cold that the wind feels like it’s whipping through my bedroom window. My hands are like ice cubes. The numbness is really starting to bother me. Today I slammed my thumb in a drawer. It didn’t hurt as bad as it should have because of the numbness.

Other than the extreme exhaustion, I’m doing okay today. I’m sure I’ll be up all night since I slept a lot during the day. I just needed the rest. Nothing seems to be helping the constant pain, though it’s manageable right now. It just stinks being in pain all the time. I don’t judge a day on being pain-free, it’s always what level of pain I’m at. There are very few pain-free days.

So this evening I was talking to my 9-year-old daughter about friendship. I’m blessed because she has a really nice group of close friends that are very sweet girls. I was explaining that good friends stand up for each other, and don’t let other kids be mean to their friends. My daughter started telling me a story about a girl in her class that was being really mean to one of my daughter’s good friends. The girl was yelling at the friend and said some mean things like calling her ugly.

My daughter told me that she told the girl to stop talking to her friend like that, which made me proud. It also made me think how mean girls and women are to each other in general. I call myself a recluse and anti-social because I can’t handle the drama. For some women, it’s no better at 40 than it was at 12. Some girls never grow out of hitting below the belt, where they know it will add to another girl’s insecurities.

Many women (and men) still judge a woman on how pretty she is. It’s a problem if she isn’t pretty enough, and it’s a problem if she’s too pretty. A beautiful woman is often called a bitch, etc. just out of jealousy. It’s upsetting that young girls treat each other badly, but it’s just as disappointing when woman don’t grow out of that stage. Some people thrive on gossip and nastiness.

I’m wondering how bad someone’s life has to be to take pleasure in someone else’s pain. I don’t waste my time being jealous of someone with a big house who doesn’t want for anything. I do get envious, though, of people who can do whatever they want without having to think of how much pain they are in, or how much pain an activity will cause.

I’m trying to raise my girls to like who they are and what they have. I spent too much of my life wishing I was like other people, that it took me a long time to really get to know and like me. Even with my autoimmune issues, I’m still fun and kind. If nothing else, I can go to sleep knowing that.

Today’s off-topic rant: Gwenyth Paltrow

What the hell is “Conscious Uncoupling”? Can she sound any more pretentious? I am not mocking the breakup of her marriage, or even questions their reasons for breaking up. The end of any marriage is difficult, let alone being in the public eye. But, why the heck does she need to release a statement that makes her and her husband above what normal divorcing couples are going through. Clearly other people didn’t consciously uncouple. Perhaps they randomly strayed or unconsciously drifted apart.