Okay, I’m back!

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I haven’t blogged in over a month. I have thought about it a few times, actually quite a few, but life gets in the way. I’ve been editing four novels and that’s certainly taken up a good chunk of my time. Put that together with extreme cold weather, aches and pain, swollen joints, and three kids with their various daily activities, if I’m being honest, most of the time I’m just sleeping when my kids aren’t here.

Okay, maybe not every day, but there have been quite a few since Christmas that I worked right from bed with my heated blanket on me all day long. My hands don’t deal well with the severe cold temperatures we’ve been having in Connecticut. I know it’s much worse in other places in the country, so I’m trying not to complain, but moving to Arizona sounds darn good right about now.

I’m not sure why I chose tonight for my blog comeback. It was a non-eventful day up until about 5pm when water started coming out of my wall. My guess was the a pipe burst, but after watching the hubs cut through the ceiling and under my sink, only to find no leaks, we have no idea what the heck is going on.

My husband is very handy. The only thing he won’t do is electrical work. He’s stumped. The water is coming in from the outside wall. Of course the big fear is that my pool is on that wall, but I’m choosing to pop a xanax and not think about that. When we shut the water off to the house, the leak stopped, so it clearly has to do with our water/pipes. So tomorrow, we’ll call a plumber. Good times!

I overdid it today, and I wish I could say I ran a marathon or something. All I did was go food shopping and work on cleaning the house. I had a very emotional talk with my son tonight. He started asking me questions about when I found out my mom was sick, and if I knew she was going to die. He’s a very “deep” kid, so he asks a lot of questions. He wanted to know where I was when I found out she was going to die, where I was when she died, where she was, etc. It turned into a really long conversation and I was a bit emotional.

I remember not believing my mom was going to die. I was 14 and I did a whole lot of praying. I was telling my son that one memory that always stands out for me was when they had to call the ambulance for my mom for some reason. I heard her visiting nurse tell my step-father to make sure the kids said goodbye because she wasn’t sure if my mom would be coming home.

I spent that evening alone in my room crying. I don’t know why I didn’t call anyone. I had some wonderful friends. But I just remember feeling like I couldn’t talk.

Now I know what my son was getting at today. I have dreaded turning 43, the age my mom died, since I was 14. I assure him that I take care of myself and get all the necessary checkups, I think he knows that this year is hard for me. I’m turning the age that my mom was when she died. I’m outliving the years the my mom had. It’s a very strange feeling.

I’ve always been concerned that I’d die at 43 so I think I’m just not celebrating my birthday this year. I always love March and love my birthday, but this year will be low-key. Next year, God willing, I will have a celebration.

The conversation with my son was the first time in a really long time that I had really talked about what it was like for me when my mom was so sick. It’s funny that I’m 42 and I still can’t get through that without crying. Not crazy, hysterics, but tears. I miss my mom, and growing up without a mom during your teenage years sucks. Let alone not having her help me with my wedding or seeing her as a grandmother. All of that stuff gets me emotional.

Tonight’s blog photo, the four-leaf clover, is for my mom. My mom was one of the smartest and funniest people I ever met. She had this really weird ability of finding four leaf clovers. We’d be going for a walk and she’d just find one. We pressed them all into a photo album. I was just thinking about that and wishing I still had it.

So between being a bit emotionally drained, and having a lot of pain in my back and hip, I’m done for the day. There’s just one problem…I have an auction on eBay that ends at 12:20AM. It’s stupid and I don’t need it, but you know when you see something at a store and love it, but think…eh, I can’t do it today, maybe next time. Then you think about that thing and go back and it’s gone?

I collect crazy nutcrackers. Yes, I have a few soldiers, but the majority of them are silly like hockey players with blacked out teeth, a bagpiper, a leprechaun, etc. Anyway, I saw this sushi maker nutcracker with a tray of sushi a few years ago at Home Goods. Never, ever leave Home Goods without getting what you like because it likely won’t be there the next time you go (with the exception of my fantastic 4-foot iron flamingo).

I did a lot of Christmas shopping online, and so I put a saved search in eBay to see if one comes up. Well, much to my surprise, someone put one on for sale this week. Right now he’s at $20, but the same person increased their bid. I’m forcing myself to stay up until midnight (not like I really fall asleep before then, but Ambien is out of the question tonight). I must win the sushi guy!

Anyway, that’s a quick recap of my month. The last time I wrote something was during tech week for The Nutcracker, and both of my girls did so well. I was a super proud mama!

Stay tuned tomorrow for an update on my new weight loss quest. I’m researching plans. I need something idiot proof, so if anyone has a good recommendation, please share.

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No New News; Just New Medicine

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My appointment with the endocrinologist went pretty much as expected. My bloodwork all came back in the normal range. As I sat there about to cry, I made a last ditch effort using the the research I did on Metformin being helpful for PCOS, and much to my surprise he agreed to try it. I didn’t see that coming. I was ready with my arguments, but he said that he has seen Metformin help with some patients even when their bloodwork did not show an excess of androgens (male hormones).

So here I am with my new prescription and I’m on the Facebook pages for PCOS reading the horror stories of side effects. It’s mostly stomach issues…people saying they couldn’t leave the bathroom for days. Sounds like a real joy! I opted to only take one pill yesterday as people were saying it was helpful to work up the dose.

I didn’t have any side effects at all, so I figured why not try both doses today. I took the second dose with dinner around 6:30 and I feel like I’m sitting here waiting for something to happen. Fingers crossed that I don’t have issues tonight. I have enough issues already.

Today was hectic. I had a team meeting about 45 minutes away and then sat in traffic for an extra 30 minutes on the way home. I wish I had more interesting things to say today, but at the moment I’m supposed to be editing a military fiction novel and I just can’t concentrate on it. I have another novel waiting to be edited so I need to force myself to get through it.

The novel itself is well-written. I don’t have a lot of work to do in terms of the editing itself, but I’m not familiar with all the military terms or places in Vietnam, so I’m spending a lot of time looking things up. I’m having a hard time focusing at all lately. I just have so many things going on. I know I’m trying to do too many things. What mom doesn’t? But it’s difficult to keep up.

Between Halloween and standing out in the freezing cold for 2 hours on Sunday to watch my son’s football game, I’m really feeling the effects of having an autoimmune disease. My feet were so swollen after walking around in my slippers on Halloween that I couldn’t fit in my shoes on Saturday. I squeezed into them (with my usual brilliance) thinking they’d loosen up, and within about 5 minutes my feet swelled so much that I had to turn around and go back home to get other shoes.

I want to be there for every special moment with my kids, and it’s just really hard when the after effects cripple me at times. It doesn’t mean I’m ever going to stop trying, though. It’s just frustrating.

I’m also learning that just because you care about someone doesn’t mean they deserve it. I guess I’m that person that always hold on to a little bit of the good in people. There are very few people in my life that I hate, if any. I just try and make peace with things and move forward. I’m frustrated because I’ve now had someone try and come in and out of my life as one of my friends is doing now. He’s not even my friend after all the crap he’s pulled. I guess I’m just confused as to how someone can be in a serious psychotic state and then a week or so later act like nothing happened. I am chalking it up to mental illness and trying to just cut off ties.

Okay, I have to get back to my editing.

Back from My Hiatus

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It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog. Actually, that’s not even true. It’s been a while since I’ve published a blog. I actually began writing posts on three different nights and just felt really overwhelmed with everything that was going on. Last weekend sucked. Friday my former friend whom I’ve written about in the past, really pissed me off and it was just a night full of his drama.

I wrote explaining what happened, but every time I started writing about it, I just felt like it was a soap opera and I wanted it all to be gone. Long story short, he’s been doing a lot of drinking after losing the last love of his life, and tried to suck me into his drama first by saying he wanted to kill himself, and then next by repeating something I said and posting it on Facebook, which set in motion a whole slew of issues. He loves drama and posted something about ebola on a local town page after I mentioned a conversation that I had with a local doctor (my neighbor).

Of course, he doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong, and when I didn’t see eye to eye on that he lost it. He said all sorts of crap that prompted me just to block his emails. Then he created a new email address to continue it. I’m guessing he must have gotten some kind of notification that his emails were not going through. I worked myself up a bit because I thought I was going to run into him at Nutcracker and I didn’t even want to see him. I kept my word and brought a bag of clothes for his daughter, and my youngest daughter gave them to her.

He did send a text thanking me for the clothes, and I just said no problem. As dramatic as that was, I’m glad it all happened. That makes me sound like a crazy person, but in some ways I didn’t want to get to the point where I cut him off totally, but now it’s clear that’s the way it needs to be.

The weather has been getting colder here, and my hip and lower back have been very stiff. I don’t have my follow-up appointment with the endocrinologist until November 1st, but some of my test results (the thyroid ones) came back completely fine. I’m not sure why the other results aren’t listed, but after doing a bunch more research on PCOS, I decided to buy some supplements and see if that helps at all. I went a little crazy and bought chromium, cinnamon, B complex, and co q10. I’ve only been taking them since Monday, so I don’t have anything to report on whether or not they are working.

I’m just desperate to find something to help. I feel like if I could just figure out why I’ve gained so much weight it would really help. It’s not only killing my self-esteem, but it’s also making it harder when I do exercise. I keep reading that people with PCOS are more likely to have heart disease, etc. I need to stay off of WebMD. I just want to get to my next appointment and have a plan. My biggest fear is that all my test results will be fine and there won’t be a course or plan of action.

So far this week, I’ve managed to be a huge bum. I feel slightly guilty that I hardly left my bedroom on Monday until the kids got home from school. It’s just that my weekends are so jam packed with me shuffling kids to one activity or another. I was out in the cold Saturday night for my son’s final regular season football ball game. I already knew they made the playoffs, but it was his first evening game, and though I still don’t understand football, even I knew it was a good game.

All in all, things are status quo. I’m not in terrible pain. I’m still tired all the time, but I’ve just accepted that this is the way it’s going to be.

Now let me say a few words about Renee Zellweger. I don’t have a problem with people wanting plastic surgery. Heck, if I had loads of money to spare I’d want a nose job. I’ve always looked in the mirror and just seen my nose. It’s too big for my face, but I live with it. What I don’t understand is wanting to look like a completely different person. I would never have known that was her, if they weren’t discussing it on the news.

Truth be told, she’s not a favorite of mine. She always looked like she was going to burst into tears in photos and I can’t stand the faces she’d make on the red carpet trying to look hot. That being said, I thought she was so much prettier before the surgery. She had a soft, kind quality to her that is just totally gone now. I’m not saying she’s not still pretty. She is fine, but I don’t understand to want to change everything. When does that end? I’d guess that once you start rearranging things and fixing things you don’t like, you’d likely begin to focus on another area you don’t like. Maybe go for liposuction next or a boob job?? I don’t know.

It just doesn’t make sense to me!

 

Stupid Hands

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I shouldn’t say hands…it’s really only one hand that I’m calling stupid tonight. I’ve been in terrible pain through my right wrist for the past few hours, so much so that I was sitting here in tears and broke down and took something for pain. I’ve actually never taken pain medicine for my hand/wrist pain. What causes me to take a pain pill is usually hip and low back pain that just affects one whole side of my body. So for me to take medicine for a wrist/hand, it’s bad. I suppose I should admit that I’m partially to blame.

Last night my girls wanted me to sit down and watch a movie with them and I hate sitting still. I thought it would be a good time to knit while I was watching Pitch Perfect. I love my knitting. I’m not very good. I made scarves. I don’t really want to learn to knit anything crazy or difficult because I find knitting very relaxing. If I have to follow a difficult pattern or learn crazy stitches, it loses some of the fun. I have mastered quite a few really pretty patterns and I look for new ones that are within my capability, but it’s just something that I like to sit and do. I knit throughout the movie and that may be why I’m hurting so badly today. I hate to think that two hours of knitting sent me over the edge because that doesn’t bode well for my relaxing past-time.

Yesterday was rainy and cold, and I’m hoping that the weather and damp cold are factoring into my pain level. Today the weather was really beautiful; it could have been about ten degrees warmer, but the sky was a deep blue and I had an hour to sit outside with my youngest daughter while my older daughter was in a dance rehearsal. We just sat outside and talked, and enjoyed the sunshine. I don’t do that enough. Don’t get me wrong…I sit and rest as much as my body tells me to because the alternate sucks and I’ve learned that the hard way, but I don’t always sit outside. It was nice.

I had a bit of drama last night and today with my former friend. I find it even too exhausting to get into (although it would probably be a good read). I just am at the point where I think he needs professional help. I was told a very in-depth story last night that I just find too many holes in. I hate to not believe in people, but then this morning he also mentioned that his new love broke up with him. SO…I think he was at a very low point and needed a reason to be validated for feeling as low as he did.

My afternoon ended with me shutting him down as to restarting our friendship. I left things nicely. I just truly hate drama, but I can’t open my life back up to someone who contacts me when everyone else shuts him out, or uses me as a punching bag when he’s at his depressive lows. I have my own full plate. Anyone who knows me well knows this is not an easy thing for me. I have the terrible habit of listening to people’s issues and being a good sounding board. It’s not really a bad thing, but it sometimes becomes one sided and that’s not fun.

The other thing is I’m learning to really put myself more toward the front of my own line. My kids will always come first, but if I’m not okay and healthy, I can’t take care of them, so I need to also take care of me. This means cutting back on people who annoy me and not being anyone’s punching bag and accepting a simple “I’m sorry” the next day. We ALL have those moments where we say more than we should have or something comes out wrong. I am not saying I’ve never made a mistake and apologized for it. That’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about someone who uses your insecurities to make you feel horrible and then says they are sorry.

Anyway, I’m content with how it all went down. I wasn’t mean, but at the end of the day, I still like me and the decisions I made.

In my “spare time” I’ve been deep into my research of polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I also learned that low vitamin D (my only strange result of my last bloodwork) is also a very common symptom of PCOS. I feel like we may be on the right track, but what sucked the most is when the endocrinologist point blankly said that my RA diagnosis wasn’t going to change. I suppose I knew that, but when I was researching thyroid issues there is the symptom of joint and muscle pain, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t the tiniest bit hopeful. So now, I may be looking at an autoimmune disease and a hormonal one, that has a high link to heart disease and cancer.

I just want and need confirmation so I can start dealing with it. I need to know. I’m going to have my blood drawn on two separate days this week, but my next appointment isn’t until November 4th. I really want to call way before that and find out my test results. Would you do that? I mean how hard is it for the nurse to call me back after the doctor has seen the results? Why should I wait until November to start treatment if my hormones are way out of whack and if my insulin resistance is off…or if my cortisol level is off.

I never thought I’d be a fucking medical nightmare at 42. It’s depressing. My mind has so much it wants to body and my body can’t freakin keep up. I’m hoping tomorrow is better because I have to switch out bins of winter clothes and pack away the summer ones. It’s one of my least favorite things to do. I also plan to de-clutter the girls’ room, but that might go better on Tuesday when they aren’t around. We’ll see what the morning brings.

As always…thanks for reading!

My Friend Bashing Post

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I’m irritated this evening, and I know I shouldn’t let stupid things bother me, but eh…sometimes they do. Tonight was our big Nutcracker meeting. They entire cast gets together for a two hours meeting with the director, choreographers, seamstresses, stagehands, etc. The kids get to see who got what role, like who is play Clara and the Sugar Plum Fairy, etc. My girls are fairly young, so I can’t say we really know any of the older girls in the large roles, but some of them look familiar from previous years.

Remember my idiot friend who hated my blog? Well, his daughter does the Nutcracker, too. Remind me to kick myself for mentioning it a few years ago. Anyway, he walks in, looks at me and walks the other way. Are we 12? I carried on my conversation, because I have gotten to know a lot of the moms over the past few years and I’ve met a lot of really nice people. A few minutes later his daughter came up to my girls and I to talk. Of course, I was nothing but nice to her. She drives me nuts, but she’s a child and it’s not her fault both her parents are idiots and don’t happen to be teaching her proper behavior or manners.

She told me she was going to ask for a second role and as any motherly figure would, I encouraged her to do so. I took these kids under my wing several years ago, and I do still care about them, though it’s very different now that they are older and their behavior is really bad (especially the girl). She then went on to say she was confused as to why my two girls got two roles and she didn’t. I just politely shrugged that off.

During the meeting, my former friend sat on the complete opposite side of the auditorium by himself. Even when his daughter came over to sit with me again, he didn’t even turn to glance my way. If that’s how he wants to play it, so be it, but what a complete ass. I fully intended on saying a polite hello this evening, and not having things be ugly. I had no intentions of sitting with him or starting up a conversation, but I’m not in high school, I wasn’t going to ignore him. Jackass! So for a little perspective, I sent my friend an IM…she agreed that he was a jackass and mentioned that he posted something about finding “the one” on Facebook, so it made further sense because I’m really only needed when he needs a friend. If he’s got a girlfriend, he doesn’t need advice on the kids, or help from me. And good luck to her! As sarcastic as that sounds, I truly only wish him well, but a person who says things as cruel as he does to other people (not talking about me here, just talking about his every day FB life) isn’t really a happy person on the inside. Finding a wonderful person can make you feel awesome for a long time, but sooner or later, the fact that you’re a miserable person on the inside comes out…unless she’s a psychotherapist or something 🙂

Other than that the meeting was fine and my older daughter had her first practice today. She had a blast. My younger one starts tomorrow morning and then they have a practice together in the afternoon and somewhere in the middle I have to be at a football game for my son. This is the time of year where having an autoimmune disease and being a mom is really tough. I want to do everything and be everywhere for my kids. I love everything about my kids’ activities and I love being there to support them in whatever they do. I won’t lie, though, when I looked at the Nutcracker schedule for October with both girls having two roles and one of the dance buildings not being open yet for the year…I’m nervous. There are days when I have practices in two different towns a few hours apart, and I know I have my son’s stuff to do in between there, too. Or even worse, i I have to drag him along to Nutcracker, he is not a happy camper!

I am looking forward to going to the endocrinologist this week and hopefully digging a bit deeper into what’s going on with me. If I can tackle the hair loss, the exhaustion, and the weight gain, that would be a huge start. Heck, I’d even just start with let’s take on the exhaustion! I know I’m running on adrenaline today. I’m excited for my kids and that does factor in. I’m going to crash on Mondays, which I suppose is the best day of the week that could happen on, as I don’t have to leave the house on Mondays.

I have also been fighting a tension headache/migraine for the past few days. Between the ice and the muscle relaxers, I’m keeping it at bay, but I’m definitely not at 100%. Today it was pouring rain and cold, which meant hip, foot, and hand pain. I really notice it in my legs after I’ve been sitting for a while. I just can’t get up and start walking like a normal person. Standing up and beginning to walk is more of a process now. Getting out of the car is difficult. There is the moving one leg at a time and the the actual getting up.

I like my car better because it’s an SUV and I short, so I’m getting down out of the car. When I have to take the other family car it’s not exactly my style. It’s a Mercedes coup and it’s small and low. I suppose I should like it. First and foremost, it was free. Free is good. It was my father-in-laws car before he passed away and when my husband took over his business (I won’t even get started on that ordeal because it is book-worthy) he needed a better car to get him to all the buildings that the family owns. It sounds like we’re doing super doesn’t it? On paper we are…just not in our check book. We have tenants that haven’t paid rent in months but the commercial space is so large we can’t get anyone else to take it. It’s more drama than I need to share at this point. I’ll save that for a day when I’m upset with my in-laws 🙂

My point was, when I drive the Mercedes, I have a tough time getting out of the car. And you’re thinking, cry me a river, bitch! I know. I have a car, I’m lucky enough to have a roof over my head and three beautiful kids. Despite having special needs, they could be more perfect to me and nothing makes me more proud than being their mom. So yes, I have my issues. Some sound silly when I write them out in a blog post, but still I’m a person in pain and that sucks. It sucks not knowing how I’m going to feel tomorrow or the next day.

I have to wake up early for church tomorrow to bring my kids to CCD. I’m not even tired, But I’m hoping Beverly Hills, 90210 will put me to sleep. Good night all!

 

 

 

It’s an Insomnia Kind of Night

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I haven’t had insomnia in a while. That’s mostly because I’ve been taking Melatonin around 8pm and by 11pm I’m pretty tired. If I forget, then I take a half an Ambien on some nights, but I try to only do that when necessary. I totally forgot tonight and I’m wide awake because I have a lot on my mind.

Tomorrow is my annual pelvic ultrasound (don’t be jealous). I get myself stressed out for this. In case you haven’t followed my blog for a while, my mother died of ovarian cancer, as did my grandmother, so these ultrasounds are done as a preventative measure because there really are no definitive signs for ovarian cancer. My doctor said “everything felt normal” at my yearly appointment, but until I have the ultrasound, I’m stressed. Add to that, I scheduled a mammogram for right afterward. I figure, let’s have all the fun in one day.

I do my monthly checks, but I know of about 5 people around the age of 40 who have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, so that’s on my mind, too.

But, what’s really bugging the crap out of me is a conversation I had yesterday that I can’t get off my mind. In case I haven’t mentioned, I started speaking to my friend again–the one that dissed the idea of this blog. We don’t talk often. We are not Facebook friends, and I have no desire to get our friendship back, but we have texted and emailed back and forth.

I prefer to have things in a peaceful, resolved state than in an angry one, but at the moment, I’m angry again because he’s an asshole. As I have mentioned previously I work for a nonprofit that helps families of children with special needs. I also tutor a man with autism, who is 50 years old. The conversation I had with this friend was regarding my tutoring job with my autistic client. His position is that it is a waste of state funding to have me work with my client because he’s worthless to society and never going to get any better. My position is that while the goal has never been to cure his autism, it is the help him increase his verbalization so that he can express himself in an emergency or other situations when needed.

His mother set up this program and another woman and I have been working with him for over two years. I’m not going to sit here and say that every day with him is fabulous. It’s definitely hit or miss, but overall he has come a long way. I see some very important strides, and I don’t believe as a society we should give up on people because they are disabled. This is a man with a tremendous mind. If I give him a date, he can tell me what day of the week it was on. He can tell me what day a game show premiered on. His mind is fascinating.

Anyway, my point is, this conversation really pissed me off because it showed me this person’s whole way of thinking. That in his world he has more value than other people, and I just don’t see it that way. Needless to say, I don’t think we’re talking much again, and that’s fine with me. We’re very different and he insults my parenting. My son has high anxiety, and the way I deal with issues with my son is very different than they way he handles his kids. I made a choice a while ago to stop getting our kids together because it just causes problems. He treats his kids like mini-adults and I treat mine like kids.

So I’m annoyed and wide awake. The only good news I have is that my hopes from last night’s post came true. My son had a big play in today’s game. He recovered a fumble from the other team, and as Mother of the Year, I missed it! I was watching the cheerleaders! I suck. All of the sudden I saw the coaches and kids cheering for him and I looked around asking for anyone who knew what happened.

Luckily I found someone who explained it all to me so I could congratulate him at the end of the game. It was a huge deal for him. He looked so proud of himself, and that was all I really wanted. He needed that moment so badly. I’m so sorry I missed it, but I was so happy I saw the look on his face when his coaches and teammates were cheering him on. I was a huge deal!!

Wish me luck tomorrow.

 

Another Flare?

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I’m staying off WebMd today. I woke up with a fever. I don’t feel too bad, though. I have a scratchy throat, but it’s not really too sore and I have that “I’m coming down with the flu” type feeling that accompanies a flare. I had a 101 fever this morning and I took some Advil to get through. Other than that it wasn’t a bad day, though I’ve been slight obsessing on all my research with the thyroid stuff.

I need to make some calls tomorrow to see if either I can make an appointment with the endocrinologist or if I still have a fever, maybe make an appointment at my primary care doctor’s office even though she’s away. I may get into the endocrinologist’s office faster if they call in the referral directly from the office. Other than that I have my rheumatology appointment on Tuesday and I’m making my list of things to go through with my doctor.

For the majority of the day I felt pretty well once I took the Advil, but this later in the day things went downhill. My SI joint is killing my (the little bones above your butt). The right side is completely locked up and I have pain all through my right hip. I also have a lot of pain in my hands and feet. I guess if I had to feel lousy, right before I go to the doctor is the best time to have that happen. There’s nothing worse than feeling wonderful when I go to see the rheumatologist after weeks of feels horrid.

I am trying to look on the bright side of feeling like crap. Is there a bright side? I’m not even sure but I’m working on finding one.

I have less than a week until my son’s birthday. Did I mention that my mother-in-law is having “her” cake person make the cake because my son likes her cake person better? Um…really? It’s cake. We usually get a cool cake for the kids and she has someone that makes them. Someone I went to high school with started her own cake business here in town and I like to give her the business and she does a fantastic job. At my daughter’s birthday she leaned over to my son (this was in March) and said, “I know you like my cakes better so decide what your theme is and I’ll get you a cake.”

First of all, I was going to get his cake at the grocery store because none of us really like fondant. Both her lady and my friend make beautiful cakes, but the crazier the styles, the more they have to use fondant. The last cake my friend made with the cats on it, I asked her to only make the cats out of fondant and that was good because no one ate the cats (I don’t even eat Easter bunnies, let alone fondant cats).

I am keeping things low key this year and we invited the family over for pizza and cake Friday night. I need to get my house in order for Friday. A few weeks ago I seemed to have more patience for them. It’s wearing thin, though. Maybe that’s true for everyone. I’ve been fairly cranky. I’m just wondering if there will come a time in my life that I won’t feel like the odd one out when it comes to my in-laws and even in most social situations. I often feel like I am on the outside, but that’s definitely true with my in-laws. I often wonder what type of person they would like because it’s certainly not me.

Anyway, I’m off to try and get some sleep so I have the energy to start cleaning the kids rooms tomorrow.

 

Crying for No Reason

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Did you ever want to cry for no reason? I mean nothing is really wrong. My kids are fine…I’m counting down the days until they go back to school, but that’s only because they are bickering all the time. They are healthy and happy. Work is going really well. I know I’m overwhelmed that my house is a mess and that I have a lot to do before school starts, but I don’t cry when I’m overwhelmed, nor do I want to.

So this is my dilemma tonight. I got home from my son’s football practice and I feel sad. For once I’m not stressing about how my son is doing at a sport. He actually seems to be doing quite well. Don’t get me wrong, he’s no star player, but last year he had a fear in him of being tackled or tackling someone. Since he did wrestling last winter (against every fiber of my being) he lost that fear of falling and being knocked down. I actually think that will really help him in football, and most of all he seems happy. That’s half the battle because he’s very dramatic, not on the field, but when he gets home.

There’s a mom there that I don’t particularly like. I have been nicely avoiding her and that’s been working okay for both of us. I don’t say this about many people, but she’s a nut job. We used to play Bunco in a group once a month and when it was my turn to host she showed up crying, brought her daughter’s IEP–for those of you who don’t know what that is, it’s an Individualized Education program for special education, not something people usually bring to Bunco. Most people bring wine or a dessert. Anyway, her conversation went from cry about her daughter, which I listened to for an hour, to discussing douching, to discussing her husband’s anatomy and what she was going to do to him when she got home. Now I’m not sure about your get-togethers in your neighborhood, but the rest of us stood there stunned.

No one knew what to say so the subject was quickly changed and she just didn’t get the hint making sexual innuendos for the rest of the evening. So that was strike one for crazy lady. Strike two was that her child, a daughter with special needs and my son did not hit it off. We tried to deal with it nicely and keep them away from each other in the classroom, but her daughter told the class that she and my son were dating. I’ve mentioned several times that my son has a tough time fitting in to begin with. Add to that that now he’s”dating” a girl in fourth grade that he doesn’t even like and he’ starts really getting made fun of. So he unkindly, told her to shut up and get away from him. ould he have handled it better? Yep! Should he have handled it kinder? Yep! Did he get in trouble? Yep!

BUT..the mom went on to tell everyone who would listen that her daughter was now afraid of my son because he HIT her. Funny because there were three teachers in the room and 20 students, all of whom were interviewed and NONE of them saw him hit her. My son says dumb things to fit in. I’ll be the first to tell you that, but he’s not a violent kid. He’s never hit anyone at school…aside from picking on his sisters. The principal told me that because the mom made the complaint she had to call me, but that all evidence showed that nothing happened and that the girl kept changing her story. She said my son looked genuinely upset when he was asked if he hit her and said he’d never hit her. He copped right away to saying he told her to shut up and get away from him, but that’s it. I don’t have rose colored glasses. My son did not like this girl and I really tried to get him to calm down about it. She has autism and didn’t understand his personal space and for a child like my son who has his own battles with social issues, it was a bad fit.

Anyway, I haven’t seen her since, but other moms have told me she hasn’t let it go. It’s been two years…can I get a Let It Go? So that irked me, not enough to make me cry, though.

It’s silly to think something like Robin Williams’ death would leave such a cloud over me, but I really think it has. He was such a part of my growing up. It’s a huge memory of mine watching Mork & Mindy with my Mom and Step Father and brother. All of us together as a family. We brought him into our homes and he made us laugh every week. I love the things I’ve learned about him behind the scenes that he took the time to get to know the interns and crews on the sets, etc. He seemed like a good man inside and out. Reading what his daughter said just endeared me to him more. I’m sad that he might have done this because of Parkinson’s and all the gossip that goes along with it. I’m sick of hearing that he’s a coward. I don’t believing in judging what you don’t know.

I think that is the thought that should carry over into daily life. Don’t judge what you don’t know. One of the best actors in my daughter’s play was playing a very eccentric role on the man behind the door at Oz. He was fantastic and hilarious. But as soon as my mother-in-law and sister-in-law saw him they didn’t smile once and enjoy his role. Why? Because they thought he was gay? Was he eccentric on stage? Yes. Was he backstage? Not at all. He was one of the nicest cast members I met. Guess what though, it didn’t and wouldn’t matter to me if he was gay or not. That kid had talent. Isn’t that what a show is about.

I’m all over the place tonight…still not able to cry. I kind of want to. I miss my mom and it’s not a good time for that. I feel like I need to plan that around anniversaries of her death and her birthday, but I miss her today. I was watching my daughter’s voice lesson and thinking, she’d be thrilled. Who knows. Maybe I’ll schedule some time to cry tomorrow and it will come out. So far nothing has happened but I’m feeling blue.

 

Memories…

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It’s so funny how two people can have very different memories of the same exact situation. I had a former college fling contact me on Facebook last week. I hesitate to even call it a fling…it was college, wasn’t everything a fling? He was actually one of the first people I met in college and he was in a few of my classes. We hung out a lot and became friends. I remember doing a lot of things together as friends and one or two evenings in which there was a little kissing.

Anyway, that’s not the point of my post. The post is that I ended up just having a hour long conversation with him and it was so nice to catch up. Life has been good to him, which is always nice to hear. It was just funny to hear him talk about our college days and our little fling. According to him, the reason we “broke up” was because I went back to my crazy boyfriend (I’ll explain about him in a moment). According to me, he was in love with another girl that was away at another college. I thought things just never really went anywhere, and there was no real drama or breakup, we were just always friends, and then the following year we weren’t in classes together and I didn’t see him much.

The story he remembered was a day the car I was borrowing broke down. I commuted to the school and it was about an hour away. I needed my ex-boyfriend to come up and help me with the car because it belonged to his brother, and his brother wasn’t around. The plan was that he was going to call me when he got to town and I’d meet him back at the car, but in the meantime I was going to go to work with my friend Steve, who worked as a camp counselor with young kids in a day program. I had so much fun that day with the kids, until my ex-boyfriend showed up like a lunatic wanting to know if I was sleeping with Steve.

Let me giving a quick overview of my ex. I was young–very young. He was older, attractive, but extremely jealous and a bit crazy. He cheated on me and we broke up, but apparently the thought that I could be interested in someone else really bothered him. I never did go back to him, but he always seemed to be lurking around for a long time after that.

I thought Steve went back to the girlfriend, but I guess that never happened. Tonight he told me that he really wanted to date me at that time, but thought I was going back to the crazy ex. Funny how things work out when people don’t communicate. I had no idea the guy was even that interested. That’s what no self-esteem does for you! I never thought that someone like him, who I saw as this great guy, would be interested in me. I thought I had to settle for the crazy ones!

It was nice to catch up and fun to relive some memories. Hard to believe how long it’s been, but it was nice to swap stories about our lives and kids, etc. There aren’t a lot of people from my past that I’m not in contact with already that I’m dying to hear from, but I was really happy to hear from him…even if he did post a picture of me with really big 1991 hair!

Tonight was the finale of The Wizard of Oz. I am officially exhausted. I’m really proud of my daughter. I know she has a long way to go in terms of stage presence and acting, but for the first time, she wasn’t nervous or panicked going on stage, with the exception of the first night. As much as all these shows were a lot on me, I think they helped her over her fear.

My body is super tired, though. The problem is that my mind doesn’t agree with my body. I just a half an Ambien to try and get some rest. The chilly nights have also been a little tough on my arthritis. Last night my hip was pretty bad, and tonight my toe is bothering me. It’s manageable, but I’m really looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow and relaxing. I am hoping not to have to get out of bed until 10AM.

I do have to talk about a new symptom, one that I did bring up to my doctor, but he kind of shrugged off last time. My one eye feels like it gets so dry and nothing helps. It gets to the point where it feels like there is something inside of it. I know this can be a symptom of sjogren’s syndrome, which is another autoimmune disease, but my rheumatologist didn’t think it was that since it was mainly one eye. I am going to bring it up again because both eyes feel dry, but the one eye feels like something is stuck in it. No amount of drops really helps.

It’s on my to-talk-about list. My appointment is either the 15th or the 19th. I have to call Monday and confirm. I definitely will not be doing the trigger point shots again. For now I’m going to go read what I can about sjogren’s syndrome so I can tell you more about it tomorrow…and hold an intelligent conversation about it with my doctor.

Happy Almost Anniversary

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Tomorrow is my 15th wedding anniversary. Did I mention my husband is away on a business trip (aka vacation)? So 15 years ago tonight we were actually fighting–that should have been a clue, HAHA! My in-laws were an hour and twenty minutes late to our rehearsal. This wouldn’t have been a big problem, but they had the priest with them, so we couldn’t even start the rehearsal without them. Picture it…40 people in an unairconditioned church in August, sitting there waiting for my future husband’s two sisters and his uncle (the priest). They left their house at 4:45 on a Friday to go pick up the uncle in the opposite direction of the church, and then head back a few exits and a few towns over in Friday 5pm traffic. I guess 15 minutes seemed like enough time…

Anyway, it wasn’t pretty. I had words with them, and I was annoyed with his parents for not telling us they were able to make it to the rehearsal. Though they had a good reason, my husband’s grandmother was being released from the hospital, a little communication would have been great. My wedding was fun, despite the fact that one of the sisters wasn’t speaking to me. It was a good, expensive party.

Today was a big day for me. I had my gyno appointment that I’ve been very stressed about. It went pretty well, but it’s only half over. I still need to go for my ultrasound, which they are doing on the same day as my mammogram (let’s just refer to that as my day o’fun) in mid-September. The good news is that my doctor said everything felt normal, even if it didn’t feel normal to me. She also said that my primary care doctor was incorrect and that I’m not beginning menopause because I’m on birth control pills, which is controlling those hormones. So…menopause is not the reason I’m as big as house. We’ll cross that off the list.

My son started football this week and because our town is busy ripping up and putting in a new field for the teams to play on, the boys are practicing at the high school. This actually means I have the track right there in front of me and I can force myself to walk. Tonight I walked almost three miles and it felt good. I notice that I do have tightness in my lower back and my hips, but I’m hoping that the more I’m able to do it, the better it will get.

Tomorrow also starts my last Wizard of Oz weekend. I am gearing up for it, or at least trying to because I may end up having to stay until the end of the show all three nights. I hope you can feel the excitement through my typing. Don’t get me wrong. I get teary and giddy every single time my daughter performs. I could watch her all day, but she’s on stage for about 8 minutes of a 2.5 hour show. I’m old and tired.

 

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