Pain…On Purpose


I’ve been feeling ugly a lot lately. Every time I see a photo I either cry that I’m fat or ugly. My smile has been getting to me. I had braces when I was a teen but I hadn’t worn a retainer since I graduated high school and everything shifted, especially in the last 15 years. I’ve been embarrassed. So I decided I’d do something about it.

I tried ordering one of those Smile Direct kits and was very excited as I did the molds and sent them back. Then they said I needed to do more. Then again. Then again. Then they said I couldn’t do any more and I needed to go to a “Smile Center” but there isn’t one anywhere close to me. Also within that time I panicked after reading reports that things can go wrong without an orthodontist checking your teeth.

I decided a higher power was telling me that since it wasn’t working out, I should try to do Invisalign through the orthodontist. They gave me a good price since my kids already go there and I decided I do this for myself. I was a little put off though yesterday to learn that I needed to have things stuck to my teeth for the liners to cling to. I was kind of hoping when I took them off it wouldn’t be noticeable. Again…going back to being embarrassed. But here I am. I’m all in.

It’s day 2. My gums hurt like freakin hell from the edge of the aligners. My teeth are sore, but the good news is every now and then I can take them out and have a break. They are supposed to be on for like 22 hours a day. The girl at the orthodontist said she wears hers for about 20. I’m shooting for 21. She promised me if I stuck it out the first week it would get easier. Lord, I hope she’s right. I hate having any kind of sore in my mouth and the inside of my cheek is cut and my gum. It hurts.

I guess it will be worth it in a year. I will keep reminding myself that I’m doing this for me. I just now need to stop eating like a pig and lose weight for me. I just have a lot of my mind and I’m eating from stress.

I applied for a writing job on Tuesday and had to do a 1.5 hour test, writing an article at am 8th grade level and then modifying it to 3rd grade level. Then they had me do an editing sample. It was a lot of 1.5 hours. I think I did okay but would have done a lot better with 2 hours.

So far for the last two night I have dreamt that I did not get it. Actually the first night I dreamt that someone else didn’t get the job and I was sad for them. Last night I dreamt that I go an email that I didn’t get it. So I’m less confident. It would be a really fun job to have though and it’s 20 hours a week.

In the meantime, I’m still applying. My book job is done on June 15th and I’m trying to line something else up. I feel like I want to write more than edit, which is different for me. The last job writing for the educational company really was so much fun. I found that I enjoyed the revision process and making it better.

I just need a chance. The woman that I do the books for is tough. Last year was not stellar and I accept responsibility for that. I was dealing with the fact that I might have breast cancer and trying to proof the book by myself because they cut my budget so much. I’m not sure they really understand the amount of work it takes to do these books. It’s tough to do with the current budget but it’s kind of a catch 22. I know I’m worth so much more. I know they don’t have anyone who knows how to do the database. I don’t think anyone would do it for that price. Yet, I don’t want to lose the work.

Is this why women get paid less? We don’t want to lose work we like? We would rather keep work that makes us happy than ask for more money and fear losing it altogether? I have tough many times about handing the files back in June and saying, if you’re interested in doing the next edition with me, let’s talk early because I have other projects I’m working on and will need to see if I can fit it in. I need them to know I have choices and then can say, it’s not enough. But I need to actually HAVE choices.

It’s not difficult work, though. I enjoy it and it’s very flexible. This is why I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’d welcome any advice because I’ve been stuck here for the past 3 years unable to make a decision. Help!!





It’s so funny how two people can have very different memories of the same exact situation. I had a former college fling contact me on Facebook last week. I hesitate to even call it a fling…it was college, wasn’t everything a fling? He was actually one of the first people I met in college and he was in a few of my classes. We hung out a lot and became friends. I remember doing a lot of things together as friends and one or two evenings in which there was a little kissing.

Anyway, that’s not the point of my post. The post is that I ended up just having a hour long conversation with him and it was so nice to catch up. Life has been good to him, which is always nice to hear. It was just funny to hear him talk about our college days and our little fling. According to him, the reason we “broke up” was because I went back to my crazy boyfriend (I’ll explain about him in a moment). According to me, he was in love with another girl that was away at another college. I thought things just never really went anywhere, and there was no real drama or breakup, we were just always friends, and then the following year we weren’t in classes together and I didn’t see him much.

The story he remembered was a day the car I was borrowing broke down. I commuted to the school and it was about an hour away. I needed my ex-boyfriend to come up and help me with the car because it belonged to his brother, and his brother wasn’t around. The plan was that he was going to call me when he got to town and I’d meet him back at the car, but in the meantime I was going to go to work with my friend Steve, who worked as a camp counselor with young kids in a day program. I had so much fun that day with the kids, until my ex-boyfriend showed up like a lunatic wanting to know if I was sleeping with Steve.

Let me giving a quick overview of my ex. I was young–very young. He was older, attractive, but extremely jealous and a bit crazy. He cheated on me and we broke up, but apparently the thought that I could be interested in someone else really bothered him. I never did go back to him, but he always seemed to be lurking around for a long time after that.

I thought Steve went back to the girlfriend, but I guess that never happened. Tonight he told me that he really wanted to date me at that time, but thought I was going back to the crazy ex. Funny how things work out when people don’t communicate. I had no idea the guy was even that interested. That’s what no self-esteem does for you! I never thought that someone like him, who I saw as this great guy, would be interested in me. I thought I had to settle for the crazy ones!

It was nice to catch up and fun to relive some memories. Hard to believe how long it’s been, but it was nice to swap stories about our lives and kids, etc. There aren’t a lot of people from my past that I’m not in contact with already that I’m dying to hear from, but I was really happy to hear from him…even if he did post a picture of me with really big 1991 hair!

Tonight was the finale of The Wizard of Oz. I am officially exhausted. I’m really proud of my daughter. I know she has a long way to go in terms of stage presence and acting, but for the first time, she wasn’t nervous or panicked going on stage, with the exception of the first night. As much as all these shows were a lot on me, I think they helped her over her fear.

My body is super tired, though. The problem is that my mind doesn’t agree with my body. I just a half an Ambien to try and get some rest. The chilly nights have also been a little tough on my arthritis. Last night my hip was pretty bad, and tonight my toe is bothering me. It’s manageable, but I’m really looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow and relaxing. I am hoping not to have to get out of bed until 10AM.

I do have to talk about a new symptom, one that I did bring up to my doctor, but he kind of shrugged off last time. My one eye feels like it gets so dry and nothing helps. It gets to the point where it feels like there is something inside of it. I know this can be a symptom of sjogren’s syndrome, which is another autoimmune disease, but my rheumatologist didn’t think it was that since it was mainly one eye. I am going to bring it up again because both eyes feel dry, but the one eye feels like something is stuck in it. No amount of drops really helps.

It’s on my to-talk-about list. My appointment is either the 15th or the 19th. I have to call Monday and confirm. I definitely will not be doing the trigger point shots again. For now I’m going to go read what I can about sjogren’s syndrome so I can tell you more about it tomorrow…and hold an intelligent conversation about it with my doctor.

A Mish-Mosh of Thoughts


It’s been a long few days. I started a blog last night and lost my mojo about two paragraphs into it. I started out very energetic yesterday. I taught a ridiculously tough class, and then I paid for it the rest of the day. I thought I pulled something in my shoulder, but then every one of my fibro trigger points started to flare, and my knees started to really hurt.

I ended up going to bed early with ice packs. Today I woke up with sore abs, which is always something that makes me happy because it means I taught a good class the day before. My body was sore from the workout, but not really in joint or fibro pain, which was a bit of a surprise, as I thought I was headed into a big flare.

I ended up being able to sleep most of the morning, which was nice. I’ve been dealing with a lot with my son, and it’s really been weighing on me. Today I got an email from a neighbor asking if my son told me what happened on the bus this morning. Of course, that answer was no. She explained that two boys were picking on him so bad that the driver got involved. When one of the boys told the driver “everyone hates” my son, my neighbor’s daughter stood up and said she liked him and he was a great person. How sweet is that. That took a lot of guts for a fifth grade girl to stand up to older boys on the bus. Kudos to her, she certainly has my thanks and respect.

The trouble with this particular instance is one of the boys is the son of a friend of mine. Awkward. Now my son isn’t innocent, but he’s not mean. The problem with my son is he’s insecure and tried way too hard to fit in. In the process he says dumb things to look cool…and the cool kids see right through that attempt. I’ve tried telling him to just stop and be himself. He’s such a nice kid. People will like him for who he is, but he’s at that age where he so wants to be cool. It’s not an easy time for me as a parent. In fact, it sucks!

Anyway, enough of my parenting drama. Let me get to my friend drama of the week. Remember that friend that didn’t want me to write the blog? I think I mentioned he deleted me from Facebook because I snapped at him one evening. Well, he also blocked me now (childish, I know) because he found out that I commented about him unfriending my dog. Haha! That even sounds funny writing it out.

So it got me to thinking about our friendship a few days ago. Over the past four or five years, he’s friended and unfriended me more times than I can count. I always cut him some slack because I know he’s had a rough life and I know he has a lot on his plate being a single father, etc. Well, this time I thought, you know what, I’m not a schmuck. At some point when he needs something or when his latest BFF turns out to be a jerk, he’ll remember that I’m a good person and decide to contact me, and this time I’m just not going to be around for that opportunity. I took the childish route and blocked him, too. And you know what? It felt darn good, and I haven’t thought twice about the decision. I wish him nothing but the best, but I don’t need his drama. Done.

Tomorrow starts my weekend of dance recital mania. It’s our first group of recitals with this dance studio, so I’m really excited to see how it all works. I get nervous, but the girls seem happy. It should be cute. I love seeing them perform. I’m fairly sure my youngest daughter is as excited about getting to wear makeup on stage as she is about her dance. I think my teenage years with her are going to put me over the edge.

And now some random thoughts on the world:

#1. Justin Bieber needs to go away. That video of him singing using the N-word is terrible, especially because he would not be where he is without the help of Usher, who happens to be black. In my book, Bieber is an ass.

#2. Gwenyth Paltrow: I think I said this the other night, but it’s worth repeating. Gwenyth is a pretentious ass.

#3. I’m not sure what to think of the Bowe Bergdahl situation. I feel like there is so much more to the story. Why did we release 5 high ranking Taliban people for him. I’m all about not leaving any of our men behind, but did he really walk off and put other men in danger doing so? Did other men lose their lives looking for him? I have so many questions.

#4. Do I care that Kendall Jenner got her own apartment? Tat Kanye bought Kim a painting or that Kourtney is pregnant? No! I wish they’d all go away.

Last, are you following Brutus on Twitter? @Brutusflamingo He has a lot to say on pop culture.


Have a good night!