Anxiety Sucks

My past few weeks have been filled with a lot of panic attacks and anxiety. Actually I’m not sure they are panic attacks, but they are what I’d consider panic attacks. I get this feeling  of anxiety, a little tightness in my chest, I feel like my heart rate is fast, but it isn’t, and I just find myself unable to calm down even with deep breathing.

Kind of sounds like a heart attack when I write it out that way, but at the moment I need to stay off WebMD. I know it’s anxiety. I have had a lot on my plate. I worry a lot in general. I stick my foot in my mouth quite often and deal with the repercussions, which require a significant amount of my time stressing about how to deal with things.

I worry about my kids. Am I doing enough? Am i doing too much? What am I doing wrong? My son has been downright nasty lately. Maybe you can say it’s that he’s almost 13 and that’s typical, but dear lord. He walks in the house and immediately starts being nasty to my youngest daughter. He goes out of his way to be mean.

He argues with me constantly because clearly it’s my fault that he’s in special education for a reading disability and he wants me to tell the school he doesn’t need to go anymore. And he just won’t let things go. EVER! He will talk about something until you want to give in…that’s the plan, I think. But I don’t fall for it.

He recently went off his ADHD medicine and I’m beginning to think this was a bad decision. I feel like it’s adding to his behavior issues. I don’t want to be constantly arguing with him or telling him to calm down. He’s an amazing kid. One on one, he’s so awesome, but he’s so freakin selfish. I just don’t get it.

If his sister’s get to do anything, he gets angry and needs to do something better. He does a LOT! We may not be rich, but we do a lot for our kids to be able to do the sports they want and activities, etc. Out trip to Disney almost sent me over the edge. Any time his sisters wanted to go on a ride he didn’t want to go. If he wanted to go on something then the group could be happy and have fun, but if he was miserable, we all were miserable.

I need to talk to someone about it, or bring him back to therapy because I am at my wit’s end. It’s adding to my stress, but certainly not all of it.

I feel like in my 40s I shouldn’t be worrying about childish games that girls play, but some people never grow up. The gossip and nastiness never ends. It’s not one thing in particular, but rather a general feeling of no longer being included. There is a part of me that’s really okay because even I know I don’t fit in. I’m far from the cool kid, HAHA. But I guess it’s that I don’t know what I did that’s bugging me.

What I’ve decided is to handle it differently than usual. I need to look at people for who they are. I have a lot of really terrific people in my life. I may not be that person who goes out every weekend and posts pics all over FB drinking with my friends, but I have friends that make me laugh, smile, and that I know have my back as I have theirs.

So back to the anxiety…I think that with everything going on it’s this breaking point and at random points through the day my body just says, “ok I’m done, you need to stop now.” I don’t like medicine, but I have been taking a half of a Xanax when I need it. It helps takes that edge off and then I use my breathing and some essential oils. I won’t push those on anyone, but I’m starting to use them and I think for certain things they do help me.

I’m not crazy trying to cure everything with them, but headaches, relaxation, stress, sore muscles, etc., they work pretty well.

My only good news (other than my friend from my last blog is doing magnificent and is already home from the hospital) is that I think the change in medication has finally allowed me to start losing weight. I was gaining anywhere between 1-3 pounds per week for over a year. Nothing I did would stop it. I exercised like a maniac. Tried every diet plan…everything. I was eating under 1000 calories a day and wouldn’t lose a pound.

A few months after a medication switch I’m finally seeing the weight come off. I am down 20lbs since November, but 10lbs since February. This is huge for me. I couldn’t get the scale to move forever.

I’m also feeling well enough to lightly walk and jog on the treadmill. I’m slow as hell. I’m lucky is I can jog for 3 minutes, but I keep going and I feel pretty good. I was so diligent before we left for Disney and I need to get back to it. My FitBit was keeping me accountable. I’ll get back on track tomorrow, though I’m sure I’ll be going backward in stamina.

Anyway, this blog was all over the place. That’s how scattered I’ve been. Maybe I have ADHD. I’m old and crotchety and I think in my old age I am less tolerant of people who are fake. I don’t have time. I am working hard to surround myself with happy people. It’s not easy letting go of friends that have been around for a while, but let me tell you, Facebook has this new acquaintance feature. It’s fabulous!

You can list your friends as acquaintances and choose not to share things with acquaintances. I decided I didn’t need the people that I don’t really see or talk with to have access to my posts, pictures, etc. I’m not deleting them. They can see my comments, etc. just not every post. I LOVE that! It’s helping me not be an unfriending bitch while still keeping things private from those with whom I question their trust.

I’ll try not to be so scattered next time!!




Diet: Day 2


I survived another day. Some good news to report: the Ideal Shape vanilla shake was just as good as the chocolate one. They actually are quite filling, but today I was hungry around 4pm-5pm. You are supposed to weight 3 hours between meals, and that was a little tough tonight, but I did it. Hopefully it will get easier.

I’ve been chugging water all day as well. On Fridays I tutor a man with autism at an office for a nonprofit that works with people with disabilities. I’ve never left him alone before. I walk him to the bathroom and back, etc. With all the water I’ve been drinking, I had to get him started on a word search just so I could run to pee. I thought my stomach was going to burst.

I did forget to weigh myself today, but I’ll try and remember tomorrow. I need a starting point so I can feel encouraged if I lose some weight.

I got some tough news about my dad today. He is going in for open heart surgery to replace a valve on February 10th. It’s major surgery and he’ll be in ICU for 2 days and then in the hospital for 5 days. My dad isn’t a talker. He’s not Mr. Emotional, so it’s tough. We all got an email from my step-mother, who also included that they found another spot on her lung that they are watching. She had lung cancer a few years ago and went through surgery and chemo.

Sometimes I get upset with my family because I wish we were closer. We see each other. We love each other, but we don’t talk about emotions. My mother was the emotion person. She just exuded love and you never needed her to tell you she loved you because it was obvious, but she told you all the time anyway. I’m like that with my kids. You can never tell them you love them too much.

So I’m stressed about that. If you’re the praying type and you could spare a prayer for my dad, I’d sure appreciate it.

I had my son’s PPT today and it went very well. They are going to test him again for Auditory Processing Disorder. He had testing done three years ago, and at the time, they just told me he didn’t have it and we could rule that out, but the speech pathologist at his middle school explained today that you need to fail in two categories to get diagnosed with APD. My son failed in one category and in a second category he passed by two points, so she had concerns that this might be what’s going on.

Three years ago I researched APD and diagnosed my son with it (I’m a total Internet doctor). So when they completely ruled it out, I went in another direction, which was that he is dyslexic. His father and aunt are dyslexic, and I still think he is, but he is so in line with APD. I’m actually eager for them to do the testing. This means I’ll likely throw myself into another round of APD research.

We’re getting snow tomorrow. It’s getting a lot colder tonight. My hands are a mess. Even after 30 minutes on the heating pad, my fingertips are still ice cold. Raynaud’s is no joke. Hopefully, after I get some cleaning done, I’ll have a relaxing day of going nowhere. I can get back to my crochet blanket or some other craft project.

They haven’t canceled my daughter’s audition class yet, but we did get an email saying not to leave in the morning without checking email to see if the class is on. I’m going to say it’s doubtful. The class is about 45 minutes north of me, and they are slated to get more snow up there.

Ok, I popped an Ambien and I just finished my last “meal” of the day–a gluten free rice cake with peanut butter. I have to say, as long as I can have peanut butter every day, I might just make it through this diet. So far so good.

I’m going to end the blog for the night before I get crazy. If you’re in my neck of the woods, stay safe tomorrow in the sleet and snow.

Another Bump in the Road


I’m not in a good mood today. I’m not sure when it went bad, but I think it was when I received a letter from the endocrinologist saying that the male factor hormones that they tested were all in the normal range. Elevated androgens are a sign of polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). I still have every symptom of the disease, including the most important one of the highly cystic ovaries.

I suppose I could have had a normal result because I’m on the birth control pill and that could be helping to regulate those hormones, but it doesn’t change the rest of my symptoms. So what’s really bothering me? I’m afraid to walk into that office next Tuesday and hear that there is nothing wrong, and that they just don’t have a reason for the weight gain and other symptoms.

I gave up hope that I was going to hear that I don’t have rheumatoid arthritis weeks ago. When I self-diagnosed hypothyroid, I thought the muscle and joint pain might be caused by that. The endo was clear when he shot that theory down. I suppose the newest plan is to hear what he has to say on Tuesday, and then going back to the rheumatologist to start plaquenil again before it gets really cold and my joints get worse.

In the past week my hip, legs and feet have been stiff and painful. My hands have been experiences the neuropathy symptoms with the painful pins and needless and numbness. Who knew numbness would be painful? Believe me, it is! The colder weather also brings out my Raynaud’s, which just adds to the pain.

I’m frustrated tonight because I am still here with no answers and now I’ve already decided that the endo is going to say there is nothing wrong and to exercise more. I haven’t really been hungry at all lately. I’ve hardly had a snack and my meals have all been healthy. In my depression today, I opened the damn bag of Halloween candy and had 4 KitKats. Do I regret it? No! They were delicious.

The highlight of my day was at a clinic meeting for my son at school. They set up monthly clinics to stay on top of his progress after they fucked up on his IEP (Individualized Education Program) last year. He receives special education services for dyslexia and comprehension issues. My son can be a big pain in the ass when it comes to getting his services, mostly because he’s so afraid of looking different or standing out. I do understand that, but I’m trying to explain the harder he works now with comprehension and reading strategies, the less time overall he’ll need to go to resource.

Anyway, what a wonderful meeting. Each of his teachers wrote up really nice things about what a good student, and hard worker he is. Both is science teacher and his literacy teacher noted that he does struggle with writing, but both said he is working really hard and seeing them during his free periods for extra help. It was one of those meetings that you just can’t help but smile. I know school isn’t easy for my son, but at one point this semester he had straight As. He now has a B in Spanish, and that’s completely fine. He’s working his butt off, and I think (I hope) he’s also proud of himself.

I have a lot to be happy about, but I’m just not tonight. I’m blue and sad. Not sad enough to cry about anything, but with the exception of my kids, this just isn’t the life I thought I’d have. And, I don’t know whether it’s best to accept that I now have limitations, or try and find help to work through them.

I don’t talk about it with friends. I used to talk about it and my insecurities about it with my friend (the one who is no longer a friend). He was actually a good listener for a long time. The thing is, it went both ways as I was always a good listener to him…and he had no shortage of drama. When he told me that he didn’t want to hear that I didn’t feel well or was in pain anymore, it really hit me. Even my friends don’t get it. Of course, I have way more polite friends than him–many of whom ask how I’m doing and really want to know. Ok, maybe not many, but definitely a few. That one conversation though, made me re-examine how much I was talking about it.

I never thought that I was talking about it 24/7, but when he asked, I would tell him if I was in pain, etc. But, because someone pointed out that I was talking about it too much, I think I shut down. I don’t want to be Debbie Downer. I love to laugh and have fun. I smile and laugh more with my kids than I do anywhere else. I truly enjoy them (even when they are beasts). I thought there was a balance, and now I’m not so sure. I don’t bring it up unless people ask, except on this blog, of course. This is my place to vent and talk about my autoimmune issues and if anyone is annoyed they can simply stop reading.

I just wondered if anyone else has had a friend or family member tell them they are too focused on their illness. I always joke that I’m a hermit and not a people-person, and things like that are the reason why. I don’t want to open up and be shut down by someone.

I hope you all are having a pain free night!

Must Get Some Sleep


I’d like to wish all the Dads out there a Happy Father’s Day! I hope it was a good one. Mine was a bit crazy. My daughter had a recital practice with her voice coach this morning and I thought it wasn’t going to go well when she walked into a room full of teenagers (she’s 9). She ended up shocking me, and just saying, ” See you in two hours, Mom!” I picked my jaw up off the floor and went home to do some laundry.

I think over the past week–oh who am I kidding, probably for as long as I can remember–my house has been a freakin mess. I have too much crap. My kids have too many clothes, toys, crap, etc. All I wanted to do today was spend the day cleaning. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? It wasn’t! But it needed to get done. I really only tackled my bedroom and my girls’ room, along with 5 loads of laundry.

The kids went out on the boat with their Dad and I opted to stay home, marinate some steaks, and clean while nobody was bugging me to cook something, play something, answer something, or do something. I’m gearing up for the kids to be home for summer in a few days. I need to throw out some of their stuff before they are home for summer vacation. If they don’t see me getting rid of it, they likely won’t notice it’s gone.

The girls’ rooms looks so nice. I hung new curtains that have zebra stripes and organized all their crap. Now that it’s all organized I can easily go through their dressers tomorrow and start tossing stuff for Good Will. Then, I’m consider starting my son’s room if I have enough energy. My energy level gave out around 6pm this evening and my body decided that I was done for the day.

I felt pretty well overall, but my right hip just has that nagging pain that won’t go away. It’s more of an annoyance. Every now and then it gets worst and I’m limping a little, but again–not as bad as in the winter. I keep reminding myself what it was like when it was -2 here in Connecticut. It sucked. I’m just waiting for some nice warm weather. It’s not normal for me to have on fuzzy socks and a sweatshirt in June–yep, that was me at Big Y!

So, tomorrow I have a very big day and I’m a tad bit stressed. I even took a Xanax because I knew sleep was not in my future without it. I’ve been taking some special education law courses in the hopes of becoming more of an advocate for families looking to get special education services for their children. As I mentioned, I work for a terrific nonprofit organization that does wonderful work helping families of children with special needs, but so many of my cases involve schools that are denying services for kids who desperately need them, especially very young kids. Early intervention is key to a child’s success.  Anyway, tomorrow I’ going to my first PPT (Planning and Placement Team meeting) as an advocate.

I’m not sure if I’m ready. It’s for someone that I know personally and she asked me because she knows I care and want to help. It should be cut and dry, but I just want it to go as well as possible, because I do care. There is a part of me that might not be cut out for this because I will take it personally when there are young children who need help involved. Ha! I’m talking myself out of it before I even finish the first course or go to my first PPT, that isn’t for my own child.

Needless to say, I need a good night’s sleep. I don’t know what I’m going to wear. ACK! I can’t stress over that type of crap.

In other news, I have finally come to terms with the NY Rangers loss in the Stanley Cup finals. To celebrate how well they did this year, I dressed up Brutus in a Rangers jersey. I also bought him an outfit for 4th of July. My kids decided that I’m insane, but look, chances are they are all going to end up in therapy anyway. Everyone always blames the mother! At least I’m giving them plenty to talk about. “Well there was this time my mom came home with a 4-foot metal flamingo and named him Brutus. He then became part of the family….”

Wish me luck tomorrow, both at the PPT and for not throwing up from anxiety at the PPT.

Go Away Cold Rain


It’s been a few days since my last blog. Mostly I’ve just been too tired and feeling stressed. I’ve started to write a blog once or twice but it just wasn’t flowing. I just have had a lot on my mind over the past few days, yet nothing huge. It’s just a lot of little stuff all at once. I have so many end of the school year things going of with my kids, and the weather has been cold and rainy, which makes it that much harder. Today was downright dreary and damp. I haven’t limped this bad in weeks. I am in quite a bit of pain in my hip and all the way down my leg.

I don’t think it’s supposed to warm up any time soon. Maybe over the weekend, but I’m not sure. It’s June and I’m still freezing and in pain. Something is wrong with this picture!  Anyway, I’ve been a bit down because my weight loss journey has been sucking. I’m losing about a pound a week. That just plain sucks. I’m going to try and step up the exercise, but it’s depressing when I’m hearing all these other people on MediFast losing 7lbs on the first week. I lost 3lbs. I just can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong. I’m eating about 1,200 calories a day and I’m still not losing weight. I’m going to try to add in more cardio, even though it’s against what my “coach” advises, I’m kind of a rebel like that and I do my own thing anyway.

If I push myself to walk or do my elliptical everyday (or everyday that I’m not feeling like I can’t walk) then maybe I’ll see better results. It just stinks to not feel good about yourself. Overall, I will admit that I do feel better now that I upped my dose of Celexa back to the 20mg. I’m not snapping at everyone. I’m sure my family is happy. Heck, my daughters broke one of my kitchen chairs and I took it all in stride and even laughed it off the other day. I think I would have flipped out two weeks ago. I just feel better on the medication…even if it’s adding to some of my weight issue.

My kids are getting out of school next week and part of me is excited not to have to get up at 6:30 in the morning, and then the other part of me is dreading hearing that they are bored, and the bickering. We have a few things planned for the summer, some camp and one vacation, but I don’t like to over-plan. I really like to relax with the kids and plan things as we go. My son starts football in August and that’s four nights per week, so July is really our time to do whatever we want. I have broken it to them yet that they have two of them have reading for summer school. They aren’t going to be thrilled with that, but it’s something they need.

I wish I could explain the other reasons why I’ve been in a pissy mood. I’ve just been a big crab. I’m starting to see how school politics interferes with children getting much needed special education services. Many of the families that I’m working with have children who more than qualify for special education services, yet they are given the run around by schools and told bullshit reasons why their kids don’t qualify. If those parents don’t ask the right questions, they would believe these “professionals” and for someone like me, who is a huge believe in the benefits of early intervention, it can be devastating to a child to miss out on services during this crucial time. I’m slowly learning that it’s often not about the child or his/her needs. It’s about money, and that makes me very frustrated and angry.

Maybe it’s me and my rose colored glasses, but I’d like to still think that the schools want to help children with special needs. They are required to under the law. But it’s often political crap. It’s more frustrating though when it’s a little child losing out in a fight between grownups. It’s hard for me to watch, and has kind of made me reconsider my own path in work toward being an parent advocate. I started my first course…and wow, I haven’t been to school in a long time! And, I have never taken classes in law, so this is all new to me, but it’s online so I can watch the seminars over and over and do the papers when I have time. Slowly but surely, I might have a chance to get it.

There are so many kids that need help and so many parents that don’t know where to begin. I’ll be the advocate that is not making any money though, because I will be helping all the people that can’t afford an advocate in the first place. I’ll try and find one or two paying clients a month 🙂

Ok, well that’s it for my crabbing. I’m going to turn on my eating pad and go to bed.


Is It Friday Yet?


This is a long week, and today was a long day that started really early for a girl with autoimmune issues who doesn’t do early mornings. Well, even before being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia I was never a morning person, those issue just make it harder to get up and get moving. But this morning I had a mission. I was taking on the special education department of my son’s middle school. The biggest debate within myself this morning was, do I take a half a xanax or not? I opted for not and for a car ride full of deep yoga breathing (it totally didn’t help my nerves).

When I got there, my advocate (and co-worker) was already there, which in itself lowered my stress level quite a bit. When we were called into the meeting you could feel the tension, and it wasn’t pretty, but I was lovely, LOL. I smiled and greeted them all graciously because I knew I was about to have all of their heads on a platter. We might as well start off sweet.

As I think I mentioned in another blog, my son did not meet one of his fourteen IEP goals this year (even though he’s on the Honor Roll). I requested all their data from their work with him on is IEP goals because according to special education state law, they are required to keep data on all special education students. This means that all along they should be tracking his progress from September to now in measurable sources of testing. I was given a graph from the end of March through yesterday. I allowed them to thoroughly explain the data, and it did provide some valuable info about the last two months.

Then, I asked about September through March and the blank stares began. Why? Because there was no data from September to March. They had data from the end of March because my son started using a computer program that tracked data. So we had a bit on a problem. Problem number two arose when they mention that they just didn’t have time to work with him on his goals. Oh no, no, no, people. YOU created the goals. YOU had a full year to work with him or meet with him and change his services, goals, etc.

It was around this time, that I smiled. I smiled because I won. I waited for them to move on to the next bullet point on my list, which they attempted to argue with me. The wanted my son to go into a developmental reading class five days per week next year. I’m not saying that’s a bad option, it’s actually a good option, but unfortunately it means my son would have to give up Social Studies and Spanish, two subjects that he received no academic support in and maintained an A+ average. I looked at the plainly, and said just that. I want my son to go to developmental reading every other day, and continue to take Spanish so he doesn’t become one year behind his peers.

Social studies isn’t a subject where if you miss a year you become completely lost. If you miss a year of a language, it’s a big deal. Not to mention, I felt that my son worked his ass off this year and it was important to meet him half way. They were NOT pleased and wanted to go on record that they didn’t agree with me. My advocate jumped in with reasons backing up my decision, and again, I politely smiled and said I was making the decision in the best interest of my son.

I could have made it a truly ugly meeting, but I have to deal with these people for the next 10 years with three kids coming through the school. I could report the school to the state for violating my child’s IEP, but I won’t. I think it’s enough that everyone at that table knows that I know my rights. I left there feeling very good about how it was handled, and that I did the right thing for my son. I also got them to commit to summer tutoring (which I haven’t told my son about yet…he won’t be thrilled), but they wouldn’t even consider that at the last PPT.

All in all, it was a good meeting. My advocate said to me in the parking lot, “you know you didn’t need me at all for that” and that made me feel good, but honestly, just the mention of bringing an advocate scares the crap out of the “team” and sometimes that’s a darn good thing. I bet they don’t screw up my son’s services again any time soon.

My guess is that tomorrow I will have a migraine due to the stress. I didn’t realize how much it all was weighing on me. My neck is already very tight. I’m going to try some preemptive ice on my neck.

I believe tomorrow begins a few days of rain here, so that won’t help. The good news is that other than my class, I don’t have too much on my plate.  I will have time to nap!

Need Some Prayers for Tomorrow


Ok, here’s the deal…tomorrow is my follow-up PPT. If you don’t know what that is, I’m going to need you to review, LOL! Quick recap: my son has dyslexia. He is on the Honor Roll at school. Big YAY! He did not meet one of his IEP (Individualized Education Plan) goals for the year. Big Boo! Actually that’s more than a boo! The school actually has to answer to the state for note meeting their own goals, and they had every opportunity to meet with me at any point during the year to revise them or change services, etc., but instead they treated me like an idiot and merely tired to not let on that he didn’t meet all his goals.

So tomorrow we go back to finish the PPT with my advocate. Oh my advocate! God bless him! He sent an agenda. This in itself had me laugh with picture in my head of the special education teacher scrambling to come up with data that they were legally supposed to have collected throughout the year, that we all know they didn’t do. It should be interesting, but I’m truly very stressed about it. The main thing isn’t proving that the school fucked up, it’s getting my son appropriate services that are actually going to help him.

The kid shouldn’t have to spend three hours on homework that other kids spend one hour on. He needs help, and it’s my job as the mom to fight for my son’s education. The good news is I’m going in with the big guns, in that my advocate is a wealth of knowledge. He’s calm and soft spoken, but he knows special education law inside out. I know I’m in good hands having him at my side.

I’m opted to take a half an Ambien tonight because I’m so wound up about the meeting that I know I won’t sleep. I just want it all to turn out well for my son. The school really screwed up and failed him this year, and I won’t let that happen again.

And for those of you waiting with baited breath I lost three freakin pounds. I was royally disappointed this morning. It’s ten total from my heaviest, but I was hoping for four or five. I’m not giving up. One week down and I’m on to week two. Slow and steady…still hoping for five pounds this week. A girl can dream.

My hands have been pretty stiff today and my legs and lower back have been bothering me. While the weather has been really nice, I think my exhaustion is getting the better of me and I just want to sleep. If you could send me some positive thoughts at 8AM tomorrow, I sure would appreciate it.




Still Crabby…And Afraid of My Scale


You read that correctly! I’m afraid of my scale. Tomorrow is the big day. I’ve spent one full week on Take Shape for Life/MediFast and the last time I stepped on the scale was last Tuesday morning. Technically, I started the diet a week ago today, but I forgot to weight myself that morning and ended up weighing myself on Tuesday.

So tomorrow morning, first thing, I need to get on the scale. Oh it’s going to suck. Why? Because I’m not sure how I did. I stuck to the plan. I didn’t even mind the plan (with the exception of the god-awful mac & cheese). I’ve enjoyed the foods, and I don’t feel hungry. In terms of being easy to do, it’s working for me, but tomorrow will tell if it’s working for me in terms of the pounds, and that’s what really matters.

I will get discouraged if I only lost one pound, or if heaven forbid, I gained weight. I truly didn’t stray from the plan with the exception of one Chips Ahoy cookie this weekend. It was staring me down on the kitchen table and I caved. It was one. I ate it, and moved on!

I told my coach today, it’s almost easier not knowing how much I lost because I feel like if I didn’t lose a lot of enough, I’ll lose my motivation. Part of the problem is that with this plan they don’t want to you do heavy exercise for the first few weeks because of the reduces calorie diet. On the days I teach classes, my coach has me eating extra servings of protein and calories to compensate for what I’m burning off in class. So there you have it, I’m scared.

So to sum up today’s two blogs, I’m depressed and scared. Pretty darn good day, huh! I snapped out of the depression a bit. My daughter came home and apologized for our argument and told me how much she loved me. We had a good took about her fears about singing and decided that we’d talk to her voice coach about some strategies to help with her nerves.

My son is lucky he survived the day after he took a Sharpie to my youngest daughter’s doll. He had to cough up $40 from his own bank to pay for another one for her. I was so angry and disappointed in him for doing something do mean. I really don’t think he even understood just how mean it was until he saw her crying. That was super fun to deal with.

There’s just been a lot going on. So many things weighing on me, culminating with my son’s special education PPT on Wednesday morning—the first PPT ever that I will be bringing an advocate. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I have the upper hand, but it’s still nerve-racking. The good news is, the advocate I’m bring with me is so knowledgeable and calm, I know I’m in good hands.

I just think the stress is wreaking havoc on my autoimmune system. My body is shutting down and I’m feeling exhausted and flu-ish. I’m not sick. I’m just achy and rundown. Exactly the way I feel at the start of a flare, minus the pain. I have some stiffness, but other than some leg pain, there really isn’t any extreme pain; just aches.

This too shall pass. Hopefully I’ll have time for another nap tomorrow and that will help!


Migraines Suck; Diets Suck


My head has been pounding since Tuesday. I have pretty much made it through with ice packs on the back of my neck every few hours, muscle relaxers, and Excedrin Migraine. It hasn’t been fun, especially because I have been finishing up editing and doing a final proofread of a novel. I feel like I’ve read it about 100 times at this point.

It’s really not good for me to read it that many times all this close together. Usually I take a week to do a book and then a few days off before I read it again after changes are made. This author was making changes while I was editing, so this was just one constant circle of reading and re-reading. It’s a good book, but I’m very happy to be done with it.

I’m not sure what the trigger for this migraine is. My allergies have been pretty had for the past few days. The tree pollen is everywhere and even my kids are having a tough time. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a lot of my plate…but let’s be honest, who doesn’t? It’s not like I’m under any more stress than usual!

I’m lying here with my ice packs, hoping that I wake up tomorrow headache-free. I have another busy day tomorrow that includes tutoring my autistic client, being the secret reader in my daughter’s first grade class, and going to that same daughter’s transition PPT. If you don’t know what a PPT is then you probably don’t have a child who receives special education services. My youngest daughter will be the first child to be dropped from services, and I give it a year at most that she stays on.

Though I think she benefits from the social skills groups (she’s a little rough around the edges and has ADD), her academics are beginning to get much higher than grade level, which will make my argument for services a little bit difficult. At most, I’m hoping they keep her in the social skills group and give her some accommodations. I think she really wants friends and struggles a little bit with letting others talk, etc. Of course I see that more at home with her siblings than her teacher does at school.

I’m still on my diet. Tonight I feel like I have a bit of an upset stomach. I do struggle a bit with low blood sugar so when I spoke to my coach last night she thinks that on the days when I teach classes or work out hard, that I need to eat more protein than is suggested on the average plan. Today I added two hard boiled eggs into my afternoon, and I didn’t have the shakiness, but my stomach is grumbly now. I’m definitely not feeling hungry…more like an upset stomach. I’m hoping I’m not getting sick.

I decided I’m not going to weigh myself again until next Tuesday, and see how I did after one week. I’m trying to be hopeful…of course my hopeful is 15 pounds, HAHA!! I’ll get there. At least I’m trying to be motivated. It’s a start.

Okay, off to put another ice pack over my eyes and try to sleep. How is everyone else feeling?




Deliquent Blogger Again


Things have been nuts…again. Between work, kids, autoimmune crap, and just plain old exhaustion, I’m crying uncle. It’s been a really long two weeks. I think I started a blog last night and fell asleep halfway through the process.

Overall, I must say that physically I’ve been feeling pretty darn good. My headache has really subsided, and my joints have been significantly less painful. The last two days have been cool and rainy, so I have had that numb, tingly feeling in my hands and feet, but nothing unbearable. I did break down and call my doctor about further testing due to my weight problem. She felt I needed to give it another month or two before we do image testing, but she did suggest trying to go off of my Celexa, as that might be adding to the problem.

We lowered my dose from 20mg to 10mg for the next few weeks and then my doctor wants me to call her in 3 or 4 weeks and let her know how I feel. If I’m doing well, I can try going off of it completely and see if that helps with the weight loss. I also made the decision to try MediFast to jump start things at least for a month. I’m pretty excited about it, though I haven’t tried any of the food yet. My box o’food was delivered today. My plan is to start the diet on Monday.

We are taking the kids to the zoo on Sunday for Mother’s Day, and I just figured it would be best to take the weekend and start the diet on Monday. I’m looking forward to getting started, though.

It’s been a year stressful week in terms of my kids. I had my son’s annual PPT meeting. For those of you who don’t understand special education, that basically means it’s his yearly meeting to go over the goals that were put in place last year and decide new goals for the coming year. With no indication that anything was wrong (and my son making the honor roll all year long) I was informed that my son didn’t master one of his IEP goals. It’s May. They waited until May to tell me this. No one thought to mention it in January or February when we could have changed goals or revised his services to compensate for whatever was going wrong. To top it all off, one of the special education teachers asked me if my son was on anxiety medication, which happens to be an illegal question.

My Mama Bear claws came out. My first questions was “Does it concern any else at this table except me that he did master any of his goals?” To which the special education teacher replied, “Well, these were some pretty lofty goals.”

It takes a lot to set me off…okay, maybe not a lot, but when you set me off regarding my children, look out. My son worked his ass off this year to make the honor roll. Their suggestion was to take away Spanish and Social Studies (two subjects were he had an A average in each) and give him developmental reading. My son’s response was very intelligent and well-thought out. He said: “I got A’s in those two subjects where I had no extra help, and I got a C+ in literacy where I had to go for extra help all the time. Why am I being punished after I work and studied so hard?”

The kid has a point. I sat at the kitchen table and made color-coated cards, an idea I got from a dyslexia website, to help him study. He really did work very hard for his grades this year, and he should be punished. So I decided to hire an advocate and fight the school to pay for a private tutor in the reading method I want him taught in, Orton-Gillingham. The school doesn’t have a teacher certified in this method, but I found someone in the next town over to tutor my son, and my advocate thinks I have a strong case to get them to pay for it, since they wasted a year of special education services.

The best part of today was that since I work for a nonprofit that helps families of children with special needs, when I wrote to our staff advocates and explained the situation, two of them immediately wrote back and said name the time and place and we’ll be there to fight for you…no charge. I couldn’t be more thankful. I work with a truly amazing group of individuals that really puts helping families before the money. They look at the kids getting help before the dollars, and that’s rare. I spent a good five minutes in tears not even knowing how to say thank you because an advocate can run into the thousands…easily.

So, aside from that, work is busy. This are okay, though. I hope I can sleep until 9:30 tomorrow. That would be a true joy! I hope everyone is having a pain-free day.