Working Out and Feeling Bad

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Usually I feel good after a workout, but I started working out harder yesterday and today. I’m paying for it now. I used heavier weights than usual, and my trapezius muscles are as tight as a drum and I feel a headache coming on. I’ve had a long few weeks. Work has been very busy. I have to honestly say that I love my job. Being able to help families of children with special needs is a blessing. I find that I get as much out of it as they do.

There’s just something about winning a war with a school district that doesn’t want to give a child appropriate services that makes me feel so good. It doesn’t always work out that way. I had a PPT end very badly two weeks ago with the school stating that autism was a medical diagnosis and was not impacting the child’s ability at school. But this week I had a mom who has really been put through the wringer.

I am happy to say we left that PPT happier than I expected. When things like that happen, it makes me feel that I’m truly making a difference for these kids. It’s also a good break from my own life and my chronic illnesses.

I’m in a lot of pain tonight. Some of it is from my workout. That’s the good pain. The rest is my fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis…that is bad pain. My sacro-illiac joint is so painful right now I could scream. I took some Alleve and I’m hoping it helps. I also have one of those heat patches on my neck/shoulders to try and loosen them up.

I’ve also been having the strangest pain in my inner thigh. Of course my mind jumps straight to blood clot, though I’m sure it’s no big deal. I just feel like I’m falling apart. I look the worst I’ve ever looked and it’s depressing. I have the puppy, who encourages me to walk more, but when we did our long walk with the hills, my back, hip, and feet took two days to recover. Here’s the problem…everyone is saying that if I do it more often it won’t hurt as much. But is that really true?

I have worked out several days in a row and then my pain gets worse, not better. My body needs time to recover. So I am doing my Beachbody videos and walking, but I’m alternating the videos so as not to work out in the same way each day. I’m also going to try and do a little more yoga for my SI joint. Stretching is the only thing that helps, though it’s terribly painful.

The bright spot in my week is my puppy. Oh my goodness, he’s adorable. We had our first socialization class tonight and let’s just say he’s social. He was romping around trying to play with the other puppies and then he and one other lab puppy really seemed to enjoy playing together. I’m trying to be conscious of training with this guy, because our other dog really hates men and barks a lot at people. My kids were so young when we got here, I didn’t have the time for socialization like this…and I hadn’t done a whole hell of a lot of reading on it.

She’s not a bad dog, but she does have some issues. My little guy was one of the youngest in the class and the biggest puppy there. I don’t think I realized how big he was until I saw him playing with a black lab that was a week older than him. His feet looked so huge compared to hers.

I have the kids home all week next week for spring break. I’m trying to plan a few things so I’m not going nuts. I still have to work on Wednesday and Friday and my daughter is having a re-do of her birthday sleep over this Sunday. I need to get some rest before that, but luckily the quietest of the girls are able to come. The two wild ones are away for spring break…darn.

I’m hoping that tomorrow is a better day in terms of pain level. it’s so bad i didn’t even know which part to use the heat patch on. My wrist is also terrible. I feel like I’m 90 years old. I will stick to an easy walk tomorrow if it’s not raining. I’m sure the cold and rain aren’t helping things. Still waiting for spring to arrive. At this rate I’ll be using my heated blanket until July.

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It’s a Full On Flare

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I went to bed with a stiff lower back and woke up with it, too. The problem is it got worse and worse as the day went on. I was at a tutoring session with my client who has autism and my feet were throbbing and my hands were in so much pain.

By the time I got home, I was so exhausted that I fell asleep on the couch while my kids amused themselves and took care of the pup. By 6pm my feet were so swollen I retired to the couch where I have been planning my Easter meal ever since. I’m having all of my in-laws over. There were years where that would stress me out terribly, but sometime around 4 or 5 years ago, I stopped caring so much.

I’m not mean, in fact, I’d go out of my way to help any of them, but I don’t think they truly like me that much. We’re at least at a point where spending an afternoon together is no longer my personal hell. They were rough…to the point where my husband’s best friends told me I had the worst in-laws they had ever seen. Yay me!!

My husband has two sisters and he was the first to get married. Strike one was that I’m not Irish…not even a tiny bit Irish. And, I won’t even get into the whole wedding fiasco and aftermath. There was a time where my mother-in-law was very hurtful to me, whether she truly intended it or not. But, in the past few years we’ve done a lot (both of us) to get along. It’s a much nicer relationship.

One of my sister-in-laws drives me a bit over the edge. She relies on my 11-year-old son to watch her 4-year-old boys. They are very political…at least he is and she follows. I’m more of a liberal when it comes to social issues. I believe gay people should be able to get married, I’m pro-choice, I believe in gun control, though I do appreciate the second amendment.

Living 5 minutes away from Sandy Hook school and the horrific mass shooting that occurred there, I have strong believes that high number magazine clips should be banned, as well as those types of assault weapons. If you are a hunter and you need those, you need to find another sport. I don’t have issues with people who own guns. I have friends and family that are very responsible gun owners and that is their right. I just wish that there were stricter guidelines and background checks.

Anyway, I never want to be political on this blog and I hope those of you who disagree with my views don’t stop reading. I never preach! I accept that all people have their own views. The problem I have is that my in-laws are so far to the right that they can’t see past themselves. You can’t have a conversation with people who don’t listen, so I always pray we can stay away from anything political.

I can already tell tomorrow is going to be rough for me. My house isn’t in horrible shape, but I need to clean and start cooking. It’s difficult to admit that those regular things take their toll. I’m already having a tough time with the fact that my long walk with the big hills last night maybe  contributing to my pain level.

I just feel like it’s a rheumatoid arthritis or fibromyalgia flare. I have the pain and the exhaustion. I almost fell asleep working with my client this morning. My sleep has been interrupted a bit with the new puppy. He has done really well the past two nights and went to bed at 11pm and slept until 5AM. The disrupted sleep isn’t helping. That in itself is tough when you have an autoimmune disease!

So I’ll leave you with my latest symptom. I didn’t give it much thought until it started happening more frequently. I keep waking up with what looks like lipstick stains on my hand. The red marks don’t wash off and they stay for several hours. It’s not always the same spot. I have to say, I didn’t give it a lot of thought until my husband expressed concern and I put the pics on Facebook and everyone is telling me to go to the doctor.

I’m just wondering if anyone else has this happen. If anyone knows what this is, I’d love to know! Could it be related to my Raynaud’s?

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Happy Easter/Passover my autoimmune friends. I hope you’re evening has less pain than mine!

It’s Friday the 13th

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I should have known never to plan a birthday sleepover on Friday the 13th. Let’s just say it didn’t go well. I took 6 ten-year-olds and my younger daughter to see Cinderella in the IMAX theater. About halfway through, my daughter told me she didn’t feel well. Then she threw up on the way to the bathroom.

She didn’t want me to tell her friends until the movie was over, but in the meantime I was texting all the moms that the sleepover needed to be canceled. My poor daughter. She was crying and so worried her friends would be upset, but she has some super sweet friends. I’m praying she’s not up all night throwing up. She’s been asleep since minutes after we got home.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog, and truth be told, I’ve been a bit depressed. I set my sights on getting a puppy and that took over my life for about two weeks. Adopting a rescue dog is no joke! It took over a week for us to get approved for a dog…well, the dog I wanted. The local rescues approved us quickly but they didn’t have what I was looking for.

I wanted a fluffy German Shepherd mix. I applied for a puppy in a Texas German Shepherd rescue. His pictures weren’t great, but there was just something about him. I felt like he was the one. We got the approval for him over a week after we applied. They called references, our vet, did a criminal background check.

Anyway on February 28th we found out that we were approved to adopt the puppy (pictured above) who has named Benson at the rescue. We spent the next three nights in family meetings discussing his name. No one could agree on anything. All our pets are named after foods so we wanted to keep that theme.

The kids came up with Root beer, Colby (cheese), Chip, and I liked Schnitzel. Schnitzel was immediately shot down. After days of negotiations I felt like we needed to find a new choice and I was driving by a Dunkin Donuts (if you don’t live in the northeast, it’s a huge donut and coffee chain). It hit me…Dunkin is a great name and it’s still a donut!

So they all agreed and we hoped to get him by the middle of the month. Because he had to be neutered we needs to wait a week for the transport to be scheduled. Then they said it would be March 18th. Ok, I could work with that. Then they emailed that the transport on the 18th was canceled and I lost it. I don’t want to miss the puppy stage.

Long story short, he is arriving in CT on March 28th. I wasn’t thrilled, but I can’t do anything to change it. The vet he saw in Texas pushed back his age three weeks making him ineligible for transport. I certainly don’t want to put him in a situation to get sick, but the waiting is killing me.

I’ve second guessed getting him about 100 times. I want a puppy, but I’ve never gotten a dog online. You don’t really know what he looks like or anything. I mean he looks cute in the picture, but what if he’s not what I was dreaming of?

I think focusing on the puppy has taken the true focus off what’s been bothering me. I know I’ve mentioned this before but I’m turning 43, the age that my mom was when she died. As it gets closer to March 30th, I’m falling further into a funk. It’s just a very weird feeling. I know the 30th will not be an easy day, but the fact that we will have Dunkin will help me focus on the positive.

My rheumatoid arthritis has been tough. This winter has been so cold and it’s like once my hands are that cold, nothing warms them up. I’ve woke up the last few mornings with swollen hands and what looks like a lipstick mark in different spots. The first day I saw it I tried to rub it off because it truly looks like a lipstick stain. It didn’t come off. Then the next day it was in a different spot. Today’s was large enough that it concerned my husband. He took a picture of it to show my doctor.

I am thoroughly disgusted with the way I look. I think that’s definitely adding to the depression. I look hideous and I don’t fit in anything. I am getting back to my Ideal Shape products and did well today. I definitely like the chocolate shakes better than the vanilla, which surprises me. Usually I like a vanilla shake with added fruit. This one smells like Play Dough to me, HAHA!

I am also forcing myself to exercise every day. It’s tough on the high pain days, and on those days I’ll just do abs or something small. If my hands are swollen, holding weights isn’t an option.

Once the puppy comes, I will be walking more…and hopefully by then it will be warmer.

I’ve also had some pretty horrific migraines in the past three weeks. I’m not sure what that’s about, but it has been awful. I use my prescription migraine medicine, Maxalt, so sparingly because even the generic is darn expensive (with insurance). I had to take three in the past three weeks. Usually I can fight it off with Excedrin, but these weren’t going away.

Anyway, I know that my next two weeks will be emotional and hectic. Right now my main hope is that my daughter doesn’t end up puking all night. She’s been sound asleep for a while. Praying she sleeps it off. Gosh, it’s awful when your kids are sick.

I’ll try and be better about keeping the blog up-to-date. I feel like it’s therapy for me.

Just Surviving

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I feel like it’s an accomplishment that I survived today. We had a gymnastics birthday party for my daughter with 12 kids (other than mine) and it was hectic. I’m not sure what was funnier to me, the girl that wanted me to buy her a gymnastics outfit instead of giving her a gift bag, or that my mother-in-law said one inappropriate thing after another.

My neighbor was talking about a situation her older daughter is having with a co-worker and that she tried to talk to her boss about it, but nothing has been done. My mother-in-law blurted out, “Oh is he gay?”

I’m not sure how she draws conclusions. My brother-in-law and I had to walk away because we were laughing so hard. I used to spend time trying to explain to her that her comments could be taken as rude, insensitive, and inappropriate, but I gave up on that about 8 years ago. She isn’t going to change.

Tonight I’m fighting a headache. I’ve been able to stay on top of the pain, so it’s not bad, but I realized that I skipped taking my birth control pill last night and that always triggers a migraine for me. As soon as I realized it, I took the pill this afternoon, so I’m hoping between that and some over the counter meds that I don’t wake up with a bad headache tomorrow.

It’s bad enough that the temperature is going to be -14 tomorrow morning. I don’t need a migraine on top of dealing with that. The front of my thighs are hurting me tonight; one more than the other. I’m not sure what that’s about. Of course, my mind jumped to the fact that I work with the computer on my lap all day and it’s probably a tumor.

Tomorrow is also a school holiday and then we have a snow storm coming on Tuesday. At this rate, the kids will be in school until July.

So I need to get back on the diet wagon tomorrow. I am thoroughly disgusted with myself. I allowed myself to fail…again. Tomorrow begins a new week and I’m going to give it my all. I’m going to ignore the fact that I made banana bread today and that I’m likely the only one who will eat it. I need to get serious before it starts to get warm.

I was good about exercising last week, so I plan to keep that up. I didn’t do anything today and did plan to, but I got sucked into watching the Saturday Night Live Anniversary Special. It was great watching some of those older sketches with Phil Hartman, Chris Farley, Will Ferrell, etc.

I’ll get back to my elliptical that I hate tomorrow. It’s good for me, and I need to work up to a longer amount of time. We’ll see. I was thinking of pulling out my step and doing an old step class. I miss it. It was my favorite class to teach.

I need to get back to doing it a few times a week. It will break up the monotony to spending 30 minutes on the elliptical. It’s now 12:30 and I’m still wide awake. I’m going to have to take a half an Ambien to get some rest.

If you’re on the upper East Coast, try to stay warm.

Update on My Dad

I didn’t sleep much last night, even with the Ambien. I got the kids on the bus after their 2-hour delay, took a half of a xanax and went back to bed. I was really worried and I though if I could relax and have a nap, it would help.

Happily, I can report that around 1pm I heard that my dad was out of surgery and that it went well. It took a little more time than they thought because they almost needed to use a metal valve instead of a cow one, but in the end they got the cow one to work, which from what I understand, was the preferred option.

So what has this taught me? There’s a lesson in everything, right? It taught me that even though my dad doesn’t express emotion well, it does not mean that I should refrain from telling him I love him more often. Don’t get me wrong, my dad loves me and I’ve never doubted that, but he’s just not great at showing feelings.

Hearing him say he was scared last night was really difficult. Once again I was reminded that your parents are human, and I was deathly afraid of losing another one.

I knew the stress would bring on a flare, so I was prepared. It’s freezing cold here still, and the Raynaud’s was bad again today, but my hips, low back, and feet were also bothering me. Right now it’s mostly my hips.

The good news is that I still managed to do the stupid elliptical (I hate that thing) for about 10 minutes. I was planning on doing 20 minutes of abs after that, but with homework, kids going crazy, etc. It didn’t get done. That I will do tomorrow night.

We’re supposed to get another storm on Thursday afternoon. It’s my baby’s birthday. She so wants to go to school with her cupcakes and celebrate, so I’m hoping school isn’t canceled. She asked for so much for her birthday, but most of the things were around $6-$10. A large box came today and I could tell she really wanted to peek. She’s so funny.

As I mentioned in other blogs, my baby girl was a twin and we lost a twin about halfway through the pregnancy. My daughter was crushed in the uterus and they told me she had clubbed feet and they weren’t sure if she’d walk because of how mangled her legs were at the 20-week ultrasound.

She has defied the odds. She runs, jumps, and everything in between. Her coordination leaves a little to be desired, but she makes up for it with spunk. It was a tough pregnancy for me, but she makes me laugh every day. She has her own like unique outlook on life and I love her thought process. I can’t believe my baby is turning 8!

That brings me to my mid-life crisis. I’m 42. I have fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, and Raynaud’s. All my life I have felt like I’d die at 43 because my mom died at that age. So here I am…I’m turning 43 at the end of March and I’m not ready.

I told everyone that I’d just prefer not to have any kind of birthday celebration this year. I mean, look, my kids will make me cards and that is enough. I just don’t want a big deal. I believe that’s why I’ve set my sights on a puppy. Of course, I don’t need one.

I have always wanted a German Shepherd puppy. It’s always been a dream. Maybe I’m feeling like I need to fulfill my dreams now before it’s too late. Morbid thinking, I know. Maybe just focusing on the faces of puppies is making me feel better.

Tomorrow is another day. I have a PPT for one child and a Valentine’s Day party for another one. Did I mention after all these snow days that my kids have winter break with no school Friday and Monday? Yay me!!!

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers for my Dad. Much appreciated.puppy-german-shepherd-mix-for-sale-img6231

Super Bowl, Snacks, and Snow

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I’m not a football fan…except when my son is playing. But, this Super Bowl was a darn good game to watch. The girls and I opted to not go to my sister-in-law’s house to watch the game, and instead we watched movies for most of the day and then watched the game.

I learned how to stream my movies through our XBox so I made the girls watch Grease for the first time ever, and we also watched Mamma Mia. They’ve really been into musicals, but I forgot about some of the scenes in Grease. I suppose I could have exposed them to worse.

I haven’t updated the blog in a few days. My migraine was complete hell all the way until late Friday night. I attended the class that I was accepted to through the state of Connecticut, and I had to take muscle relaxers and two rounds of migraine medicine just to be able to function.

I was very nervous, but it was a good experience. I did my three-minute speech–even cracked a few jokes. I met some very nice people, as well. I would say half of the participants have some sort of disability and the other half are parents of children with a disability. It’s going to be a ton of work, and I still haven’t decided what my final project will be, but I need to figure it out this week.

The other issue I had is that after sitting from noon to 8:30PM in the same chair, I was a mess on Saturday. My body can no longer handle sitting in the same position for that long with only a few small breaks. Saturday’s class was really hard because my hips were so stiff and my back was really bothering me.

By last night I was hobbling around due to joint and muscle pain. When my husband asked why I was walking like I was dying, it really hit me that the rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia have really changed what I can and can’t do. You wouldn’t think sitting would be that big of a deal, but I was in a straight chair and it wasn’t that comfortable to begin with.

The fact that my body stiffens up so easily makes things really difficult. I didn’t have a lot of swelling, but I had a lot of join pain. The only good news was that my migraine finally let up on Saturday. It’s funny, I can suffer through my arthritis pain for the most part, but the migraine was horrid. At one point I was trying to pay attention and I could hardly see because my vision was getting so blurry.

The table of people that I sat with was very nice. I met some great people and made a lot of contacts. It’s funny though, whenever you tell people you are an editor (as I did in my three-minute speech), people want to tell you about a book they are writing. While I did talk to two people at length about editing, I was really focused on all the stuff they were teach about the Department of Developmental Disabilities.

The only issue with the training, other than the fact that I had to give a speech, was that the woman sitting next to me talked under her breath the entire time. I think I heard her snoring on Saturday morning, but I was trying not to look.

For a project for Saturday morning we each had to choose a disability from a given list that we would want over the others, and one we wouldn’t want. I’m not sure why alcoholism was listed as a disability, but it was on there. Anyway, we were supposed to go around the room and tell what we picked and why. The lady next to me chose to have alcoholism and when she got the microphone she just started going through her day of what she’d drink.

The group leader had to tell her to stop when she named her fifth or sixth alcohol. I chose deafness as the disability from the list that I’d take. My first major in school was interpreting for the deaf, so I know how strong the deaf community is. There is a lot of support and I think as much as I’d miss my music, I’d be much more afraid to lose my vision.

We’re also getting hit with another big snowstorm tonight. It just started snowing and they already closed schools again for tomorrow because we’re supposed to get between 12-18 inches of snow. So yay me!! The kids will be home again, and I won’t get much work done.

I’m not even sure what movie to rent tomorrow. I’m looking for something all three kids will enjoy. Hopefully, they can pick one without too much bickering.

 

 

It Warmed Up Outside Today, Someone Alert my Body

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I can’t get warm. My hands, fingers and feet are so cold they get numb. I wasn’t this bad all day, but right now it’s out of control. I have a heated blanket and a heating pad on full force.

I ended up taking all three kids to see Into the Woods today. Good news, my 7-year-old wasn’t scared at all. Most of the bad parts really weren’t shown. I had read the page on IMDB so I knew what to expect, but it wasn’t as violent as some people said.

I love my musicals so I enjoyed it. I wouldn’t say it was favorite ever, but it was cast well.

After that I had some running around to do before we ended up home around 7pm. My son is petrified to go to school tomorrow. He’s making a huge situation of a bad situations from last Friday. A boy, who my son thought is a good friend, asked him…no told him to go buy a snack for the boy.

Step #1 in the right direction, my son said no, rather than buy it so he can fit in. That’s a huge step. Well, when he said no, the boy got everyone else at the table to move, leaving my son alone. The issue is compounded because the dads are good friends and my son thinks the twins should be his best friends. They don’t see it that way.

He is afraid to take the bus and go to school, but we did some role playing on what he should say. I have him asking another boy on the bus to sit with him at lunch. I don’t like most of the kids he sits with anyway. It’s no skin off my back if he finds friends who treat him well. What more could I want for him

No one should feel like everyone hates them. I feel bad for him, but he does need to toughen up a little. He’s a deep thinker, but doesn’t always get when things are implied instead of said. He’s very literal. I just found out that I have a PPT for him this Friday. I need to go over all his testing to make sure they aren’t looking to drop him. Mamabear might need to come out a little.

I think they are afraid of me from last year. I’m very nice until I reach that point and then you need to step back. I’ve learned so much being a mommy to kids that are in special education programs. It could be a full-time job! I’m also lucky to help other families with these issues through a nonprofit. Being able to help families/children is the greatest feeling.

It’s week like this that I wish I could put my fibro and RA aside so I can get everything done, that would be awesome. It doesn’t work that way, though.

Anyway, tomorrow the kids are back to school. I have a morning conference call scheduled before my nap :). Then I have to finish editing a book, or hopefully two, but doubting I’ll get that far.

I hope you are enjoying a pain free evening.

 

Too Busy to Blog???

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I really don’t have a great excuse as to why I haven’t written a blog lately. I’ve been really busy in the evenings doing a few editing projects. I also have been feeling like crap. Yesterday my vision started getting blurry during my session with my tutoring client and that turned into a really horrific migraine.

In all my stupidity, I didn’t want to cancel bringing my daughters to a Christmas dance shown that is put on by the company that they dance with. In some ways, I think they are shunned a bit for not doing the company Christmas show, and instead auditioning for the Nutcracker, which is a huge production that includes dancers from all the surrounding towns and into New York.

We had promised some of the girls’ friends that we’d go, and I bought the tickets ahead of time. I napped as long as possible prior to the show and off we went. It was a very nice show–more like a variety show, with singing and dancing. I made it through the first act okay, but during the second act I was counting songs from the program and estimating the time before I could go home and take a stronger medicine.

I drove home with one eye open and when I got back I took a Maxalt, which is something I only take in extreme cases. It’s just super expensive, like $100 for four pills, so I use them sparingly, but dear lord, last night I needed one. I went to bed with ice packs on my neck and over my eyes.

Luckily, I woke up and the headache was gone. I had plans to do some shopping today, and that went south when I hit a park in a department store parking lot. It was a little fender bender. My car has a scratch on the bumper and the man’s car had a small dent. You know that feeling right after an accident. That crunch sound and the “oh my god, this is going to  be a fortune feeling.” I had that. The man was an older war veteran and he could not have been nicer. He wanted to make sure my girls were okay, etc. We were all fine, and that’s what I tried to focus on. You can always replace a car, not the people in it.

After that happened, I lost interest in going to Kohls. I decided to shop online. I actually got a lot accomplished tonight. My biggest issue #1 is that my youngest daughter wants the Lalaloopy Diaper Surprise doll. Don’t know it? Oh it’s this doll that you give a bottle too, and she POOPS charms. You read that correctly. She poops out charms for a bracelet. I’ve tried to talk her out of it, but it was at the top of her list.

Feel free to have a laugh and check out the commercial for it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXexeL3IQbI

I have yet to decide what to do about that request. She has so many dolls on her list, I am going to have her narrow it down tomorrow. Another dilemma is that she wants the Baby Elsa and Baby Anna dolls from Frozen. Good luck finding those!

My second large issue is that my son wants a phone. Last year we told him if he made the honor roll, he could get one. That worked well. Then he lost it. He’s been without it for about 4 months. My argument is to replace the phone because I’m not spending $200 on an iPod Touch when he already has an older one and a Kindle Fire. My thought is, he is in middle school. The school has after school activities that he can just show up for. He could send me a text.

It’s no that I feel he 100% needs a phone. I just think the alternatives are all going to be only used until he gets a phone. I don’t know. He has just about saved up the money to replace the phone from chores and cat sitting for my parents. I just don’t want to get him a bunch of crap. I did find some fun things for him, but they are all fairly small. I got him a practice football jersey with our last name on it—he’s going to flip!

I also got him an indoor putting thing because he plays golf. There just isn’t that one main gift for him. I’ll figure it out. His dad doesn’t think he should get another phone, but I think people deserve a second chance. Plus that’s something he cares about it, so all I have to do is threaten to take it away, or take it away and have him think about the way he’s acting, etc.

My journey with my health is at a standstill. My step mother, who is a nurse, thinks I should go to NYC or to Yale for a second opinion on the thyroid issue. I’m going the no sugar route tomorrow. We’ll see how long I last, but my weight is a huge problem. It’s really depressing for me because I’ve always been super thin up until these last two years. I hate seeing myself in pictures or even a mirror. I look terrible.

My friend keeps pushing me to try one of those 30-day cleanses, but that sounds so overwhelming. There are four days in the month where you fast. You take a supplement and a full glass of water each hour for two days. I mean, people in her group are posting amazing results, but that is not an easy plan to follow.

Tomorrow I’m going to pretend like I’m back teaching step aerobics and do my thing downstairs. There is a fine line between working it and pushing it thought. I have crazy tech week for the Nutcracker. I can’t be out of commission with joint pain.

I’ll keep you posted on how it goes. I’d like to be down 10lbs by Christmas. Fingers crossed.

So Sick Today

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As I mentioned in my last blog, I was starting Metformin this week. I thought I was doing okay with it. I certainly didn’t have the “bathroom issues” that were commonly mentioned. I just felt a bit nauseous, but nothing I couldn’t handle. Until Friday. I had dinner, and my foot was again in hideous pain so I broke down and took a pain pill. Well the combination of the two sent me over the edge and I began throwing up violently around 1:00AM.

It was awful and I ended up not being able to sleep until close to 4:00AM. I was hesitant to eat anything this morning, but I ate a rice cake with peanut butter. I figured that was bland enough and I held it down okay. We went to my daughter’s singing lesson and then to Nutcracker practice and somewhere during the ride I lost vision in my left eye and I was in a full-blown migraine feeling like I was going to throw up.

I decided to go through the drive through and get a soda to try and calm my stomach. It was so bad that I asked the lady for a plastic bag just in case I couldn’t make it home. I ended up getting home safely and put ice on the back of my neck for an hour before having to go back.

Again, I had an hour or so of feeling okay, and then it was back and I was trying to get back home before tossing my cookies. I feel like I have very low blood sugar; that disoriented, cold sweat, nausea, etc. I slept for two hours and felt a lot better but needless to say, I’m not taking that medicine tonight. I’m going to take another day off tomorrow and try and start it at half the dose on Monday.

When I asked on the PCOS board, many people said they felt like that for a month or two. A MONTH OR TWO? There’s no way in hell I could be like this for a month or two. My son has his football conference championship tomorrow, and I need to be there. I can’t be puking at home.

I was forced to eat a slice of pizza by my family and surprisingly, I think that helped with the queasiness from the low blood sugar. I’m just hitting a wall. I want to lose weight and feel better, but I don’t know if this is the way to do it. I don’t want to be nauseous and puking all the time. Metformin may very well help with my PCOS, but given the fact that I have decided to go back on the plauqenil this week, after I see my rheumatologist, I don’t want to be on both. I’ll tell him everything and see what he says.

My foot has been in that terrible pain either once a twice a day since Halloween. Someone online scared me by saying they felt that kind of pain when their hand deformity started. It felt like the hand was clamped in a position, and that’s exactly what my toes feel like.

Last night really scared me. I’m not ashamed to say I was on the couch crying for my mom. Sometimes you just need your mom when you’re that sick. My mom can’t be here because she passed away at 43, so then I became irrational and started thinking I was beginning to get deformed feet, I was so sick and there was no end in sight, and I need someone to make sure my children are raised the way I want them to be if something happens to me.

Everything was hitting me at once, and add the puking to the mix and I honestly felt scared that something bad was happening. I spent today trying to imagine what my month would be like if I continue with the current meds. I don’t know what to do. I suppose I should call the endocrinologist and ask questions. At the moment, my focus is on being at my son’s football game tomorrow morning. That’s the only focus for now. My sister-in-law is taking the girls to dance for me.

I know my mother-in-law has big plans to go shopping for a new kitchen table for us, which is just so nice, but I don’t want to see her spend the money that she wants to spend. I have two ways to look at it. Her son doesn’t make a lot of money in their family business and we are living paycheck to paycheck. I keep hearing how it’s going to get better…for years. I know we can’t afford to replace the table now and I also know how much she has bought for her daughters. I shouldn’t feel guilty that she wants to do something nice. Her heart is in the right place, and at least this time she’s letting me choose the set (a nice step from when she showed up with all white furniture for a home with three kids, three cats, and a big black dog).

We just found one for half the price at Raymour & Flanigan that I liked just as much. She’s concerned that the one she found at Basset was heavier and will last forever. I’m not even sure I’m going to be up for this tomorrow. Like I said, first things first, I need to make it to my son’s big game.

I’m saying my prayers now that he has a great game. His confidence is increasing now that he’s further understanding the game, but I’d love to hear the announcer call his name for a tackle. His last tackle, they just announced the kid who got tackled and I know he was so disappointed (usually they say both names). If I had one wish, other than a team win, it would be for him to have some sort of special moment. Even a small one would mean the world to him.

I’m off to try and sleep. Wish me luck!

No New News; Just New Medicine

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My appointment with the endocrinologist went pretty much as expected. My bloodwork all came back in the normal range. As I sat there about to cry, I made a last ditch effort using the the research I did on Metformin being helpful for PCOS, and much to my surprise he agreed to try it. I didn’t see that coming. I was ready with my arguments, but he said that he has seen Metformin help with some patients even when their bloodwork did not show an excess of androgens (male hormones).

So here I am with my new prescription and I’m on the Facebook pages for PCOS reading the horror stories of side effects. It’s mostly stomach issues…people saying they couldn’t leave the bathroom for days. Sounds like a real joy! I opted to only take one pill yesterday as people were saying it was helpful to work up the dose.

I didn’t have any side effects at all, so I figured why not try both doses today. I took the second dose with dinner around 6:30 and I feel like I’m sitting here waiting for something to happen. Fingers crossed that I don’t have issues tonight. I have enough issues already.

Today was hectic. I had a team meeting about 45 minutes away and then sat in traffic for an extra 30 minutes on the way home. I wish I had more interesting things to say today, but at the moment I’m supposed to be editing a military fiction novel and I just can’t concentrate on it. I have another novel waiting to be edited so I need to force myself to get through it.

The novel itself is well-written. I don’t have a lot of work to do in terms of the editing itself, but I’m not familiar with all the military terms or places in Vietnam, so I’m spending a lot of time looking things up. I’m having a hard time focusing at all lately. I just have so many things going on. I know I’m trying to do too many things. What mom doesn’t? But it’s difficult to keep up.

Between Halloween and standing out in the freezing cold for 2 hours on Sunday to watch my son’s football game, I’m really feeling the effects of having an autoimmune disease. My feet were so swollen after walking around in my slippers on Halloween that I couldn’t fit in my shoes on Saturday. I squeezed into them (with my usual brilliance) thinking they’d loosen up, and within about 5 minutes my feet swelled so much that I had to turn around and go back home to get other shoes.

I want to be there for every special moment with my kids, and it’s just really hard when the after effects cripple me at times. It doesn’t mean I’m ever going to stop trying, though. It’s just frustrating.

I’m also learning that just because you care about someone doesn’t mean they deserve it. I guess I’m that person that always hold on to a little bit of the good in people. There are very few people in my life that I hate, if any. I just try and make peace with things and move forward. I’m frustrated because I’ve now had someone try and come in and out of my life as one of my friends is doing now. He’s not even my friend after all the crap he’s pulled. I guess I’m just confused as to how someone can be in a serious psychotic state and then a week or so later act like nothing happened. I am chalking it up to mental illness and trying to just cut off ties.

Okay, I have to get back to my editing.

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