Perhaps It’s Time To Up the Meds

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I tried. I tried to lower my Celexa in the hope that it would help me to lose weight. It’s been a month and you know what? I’m a bitch from hell! I’m snapping at everyone. I have so much anxiety and stress and I was starting to wonder what the hell was happening. Was I under THAT much more stress? Okay, my son has been going through a lot and it has caused me to want to get on his bus and pummel someone…but I haven’t actually done it. I think it’s more the fear and worries I have for him that are affecting my life and causing me to be…well, neurotic.

Today I was actually thinking about moving out of my town because I hate the people involved in all the sports and I hate that I feel like my son doesn’t really fit in. I’m not moving. I’m not losing it, but I did decide that I felt better on the higher dose of Celexa. The tiny dose of 10mg that I was on wasn’t cutting it. I felt better on 20mg and it’s not a failure. Yes, I’m telling myself that as much as I’m telling you.

I accept that I just feel better on the 20mg. I might even go as far to say I’m a nicer person, maybe even a nicer mom. I’ve been snapping at my kids and I don’t like that. I just feel like I’m on the verge of tears or a breakdown a lot of the time, but it never actually comes to that. I’m getting upset about stupid things. So, I started back on the 20mg tonight, and I’ll call my doctor tomorrow to tell her. It’s the right decision for me, even if it hinders the weight loss a bit.

Today was a decent day in terms of my RA. I was able to get out for a three mile walk for the first time in a really long time. It was really beautiful here and I just needed to get out of the house after a disastrous playoff baseball game (we lost) and a hellish 5-year-old birthday party for my nephew that was really loud. I took some me-time and went for a walk. It was a beautiful, sunny day and it really felt good. I have a feeling I will be achy from it tomorrow, but it was worth it.

I’m going to see how I feel and maybe try to do half of that walk tomorrow. It’s fairly flat, so it’s not as difficult as my regular walk. It’s not as hard on my joints though, because it doesn’t have the steep hills. If I feel okay, I’m going to try to get out there again. I think it did my mind good, as well as my body.

My hands are a bit swollen this evening, which is odd. I’m not sure if the walk started something or whatnot, but it’s not horrid. Just enough to be a little annoying. I’m going to take an anti-inflammatory before I go to bed and hope for the best. I’m watching the Western Conference Hockey finals. I am hoping the Chicago Blackhawks win, but only for a friend of mine, not because it really matters to me. It only matters that the Rangers win. Playoff hockey is so much more interesting to watch.

I have a busy week ahead and I am going to work on not being so cranky. Wish me luck!

 

 

 

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Mother’s Day Is Overrated

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Sure, we all have dream of what we’d think our Mother’s Day will be like. Some people dream of breakfast in bed. Other dream of a day of relaxation including a facial or a massage. This year I wanted to go to the zoo with my family. It sounded simple enough. The kids were excited. I was excited. It seemed like a no-brainer. We were going to set off on a peaceful one-hour car ride, enjoying each other’s company, then enjoy a lovely day of seeing the animals and spending quality time together.

I’m not sure what medicine I was taking when I thought that was going to happen! My pride and joy fought the entire way to the zoo, with my son leading the crab brigade because he was irritated that my youngest daughter talks too much. When we arrived, I had high hopes that it would get better, but my son turned into an even bigger pain in the ass when he started poking and being a general nudge to my youngest daughter. He claimed it was because he she wouldn’t let him talk, but really it was because he was darn tired because he stayed up way too late the night before.

I thought things were going to turn around as we were in line for the zoo monorail, but that’s when my youngest daughter had her “moment” of the day, where she announced that she hated zoos and animals, and she wanted to go home. That’s right people, Happy Freakin Mother’s Day! DCF almost needed to be called in as I grabbed her arm and yelled at her in line that her behavior was going to stop NOW and that she was being selfish and rude, and I wasn’t going to up with it for one more minute.

Okay, it did cause a few tears. There was that moment when she turned to her dad and said, “I think Mom hates me because I have bad behavior!” I will say once we got on the monorail things turned around for the better. The Bronx Zoo is really a great zoo, It’s clean and nice. We got to see everything from elephants, to giraffes, to polar bears, and flamingos (my favorite). It’s a huge place and we didn’t have time to see everything, but we saw a lot and the kids ended up having a really great time, and I did as well.

We got to see a lot of baby animals, which was fun. There were four baby lion cubs playing and pouncing on each other. There was a baby giraffe, baby sea lions, and lots of baby deer-looking animals.

I did pretty well with the day of walking. By after 5pm, I was completely done. My feet were starting to swell, and my hands were swelling, which seemed odd to me. I could DSC_0011_011understand my feet. If I wasn’t walking, I was standing on line, or standing looking at the different exhibits. We didn’t do a lot of sitting. We’ll see what tomorrow brings, but it does make me nervous for our Disney trip. I’m not nervous for day 1. It’s Days 2-6 that concern me. I am hoping that my legs and feet are okay tomorrow, and that I can get out for a quick walk to try and keep up a bit of the momentum. I’m not going to push it though if my body tells me no. We walked from 10:30AM to almost 6:PM, only stopping for lunch and a 20 minute monorail ride. All in all, I did well.

Of course my feet are up on a pillow right now and I’m exhausted as hell! Tomorrow is Day 1 of my Take Shape for Life diet from MediFast. I’m kind of excited. I’m a little excited that on my own, I’m down about one size, as the pants I bought myself a little over a week ago are too big. They fit perfectly when I bought them, so I must have lost a few pounds. I’m going to get on the dreaded scale in the morning (doubt I’ll report the number, as I am horrified by the whole thing), but I will check in with my progress and let you know how I’m doing… and of course, how the food is.

My plan is to use their food for 4 of the 6 small meals per day and use my own food for two. There are days when I’m running around that I may use theirs for 5. We’ll see. I eat very healthy dinners, so that won’t be an issue. It’s the giving up of chocolate that might be a little tough. Luckily, I do get to have chocolate or mint chocolate pudding every night, so that may help. All I can hope is that this jump starts things a little, and that will be the shake up I need to get going.

Between that, the warmer weather, and trying to consistently move more, either through yoga, walking or other types of exercise, I’m trying to go about working on this autoimmune crap naturally as well as with some kind so of medication. I also started taking a supplement called Curcumin, which has turmeric spice in it, which is supposed to be great for inflammation. I’m not ruling anything out when it comes to natural remedies.

I hope all the Moms had a great Mother’s Day!

 

Survived the Wedding

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I may have looked like a turquoise sausage, but I made it through the wedding without any wardrobe malfunctions. The girls stayed in place. I certainly wasn’t what you would call comfortable…not by a long shot, but I made it! It was a beautiful day. My friend looked gorgeous, and everything about her day was beautiful. That’s what really mattered.

Getting in and out of the limo was a bit of a fiasco, but I was not the only one was dress issues so I felt a little better. Then, I felt even better when I finally got to take the dress off and realized that the damn bridal salon ordered me the wrong size. So let me clarify. I’m still way overweight, but I’m no more overweight than I was when they measured me. They said they usually order the dress one size larger than you measure at, and mine was ordered one size smaller.

I never thought to look at the size because there wasn’t much I could do about it a week before the wedding, but with my issues with trying to lose weight, I just assumed it was me. I will say it was hard seeing myself today. I did not feel good at all. It’s just getting very hard because I’ve been doing all the right things…for weeks. Nothing is happening, and I just don’t get it.

I suppose I should do more cardio exercise, but that’s the thing I struggle the most with. My stamina sucks right now. I do better with a walk outside than I do on my elliptical, but I need to be more consistent about doing it. I’m sure I’m not the only person with rheumatoid arthritis or other autoimmune diseases that finds it difficult to want to do cardio exercise when their joints hurt. Honestly, I feel better doing yoga and light weights.

Not surprisingly after a day in heels, my feet are very swollen at the moment. It was worth it. I had very cute shoes, that actually were that high. I’m just not used to heels. I’m glad to be home with my feet up and that dress off. That was the first event in my life that I ever went bra-less. As a well-endowed girl…that’s not likely to happen again any time soon!

Off to bed!!

Swollen Feet Suck

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My day didn’t start out too bad. I usually tutor an autistic client on Friday mornings. For the last few weeks, he hasn’t been doing so well. It’s really hit or miss on whether he can pay attention, focus, and stop the perseverative speech. For whatever reason, today was a fantastic day for him.

In the middle of being thrilled that we were accomplishing a lot in the session, my feet started hurting. Then they started to swell — so bad that I needed to take my shoes off because they were getting so tight that I couldn’t feel my toes.

I’ve never had this happen before. If I get swelling, it’s usually my hands or feet (or both). It became so bad that I had to reconsider stopping at Target on my way home from work because I had to take my shoes off as soon as I got in the car.

Just to give you an idea of how bad it was, I took my shoes off at noon and the indents on my feet where they were cutting off my circulation because of swelling are still there at 11:30PM. And these are cute, uncomfortable shoes. These are those ugly Dansko shoes that usually feel good on my feet because I have very high arches.

The Show Must Go On

It didn’t matter that I was going blind from the baby food job by 5pm and I had a raging headache that felt like the beginning of a migraine…my daughter’s play was tonight. Yes, she was only on stage for minutes, but I was a blubbering mess.

I know I’ve said it before, but this is just so huge for her. She smiled and sang her heart out, and most importantly she said it was fun (yay!!).

I watched the show tonight, and I’ll watch it again tomorrow afternoon, but by then frankly, I’ll have had enough of The Sound of Music. During the Saturday night and Sunday afternoon shows I’ll be volunteering watching the children’s ensemble group backstage.

I was really blown away by the talent on stage. We’re a small town, and I really didn’t know what to expect. The girl who played Maria was phenomenal and the whole cast just impressed me beyond belief. It was a great show.

But for right now, I have my feet elevated and I popped two Alleve, and I’m watching Jimmy Fallon. I just love him. He’s a great way to end my day with a smile. I hope you all are pain-free (or as best as can be expected). My happiness tonight is going to sleep knowing I don’t have to be up at a particular time tomorrow.

There’s nothing better than sleeping in, especially when I’ve had such a tough time sleeping this week.

This Migraine Can End Any Time Now

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As usual, things didn’t go as planned today. I woke up fairly sore, but I made it through my class and pushed myself quite a bit. That was about it for energy exertion today. I came home at 10:30AM and slept until 12:30PM. It wasn’t just that I was tired, I was downright exhausted. My whole body was fatigued.

The nap should have helped, but I woke up feeling like my migraine was coming back. My plans of using my elliptical machine while watching The Young & The Restless didn’t quite happen. I did get on the thing two separate times today for nor more than three minutes. I’m disappointed, I’m fat, and I’m unhappy…but I know if I pushed it much further today, I’d be shot tomorrow, and I can’t afford to take that chance.

My daughter has a small role in a play and there is a dress rehearsal tomorrow night, and shows Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Not exactly looking like I’m going to get a lot of rest in the next few days. I know I need to pace myself, but I hope tomorrow is a better day.

My hands have still been a huge annoyance. When I’m holding weights to teach my class I can see my fingers turning red and swelling. It’s like my hands just don’t want to work in the morning. I suppose they get better as the day goes on, but when it’s cold I don’t get much relief.

Now…to get rid of this freakin migraine. I’m breaking out the essential oil tonight. A little peppermint oil, a heating pad on my back, and an ice pack on the back of my neck. Say a prayer that I don’t wake up with it tomorrow.

The After Party…Swollen Hands and Sore Bones

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As I mentioned, we had our first sleepover party at the house last night. I was wide awake until about 4AM. I posting on one of the chronic pain pages on Facebook at like 3:30AM. I’m not even sure why. Maybe it was that I kept thinking one of the girls would get scared. I’m not exactly sure, but I went from completely exhausted to wide awake in my bed.

This morning was rough. I’m not going to lie. It was hell getting out of bed when a few of the girls woke up at 7:30. I must have done something right because my kids are not early risers. I had a kid in my bedroom petting the dog at 7:30AM and it wasn’t one of my kids.

I pretty much crashed after the last girl left. All in all, it was a fun party. I didn’t accomplish too much. It’s going to be a mad dash to get my house ready for my daughter’s family birthday party tomorrow. I made a ziti, and opted to order a tray of chicken just to make my life easier.

My hands have really been terrible. My fingers were like fat little sausages this morning. I’m not even sure whether to say they were painful or numb. I guess I’d go with both. By mid-day, almost every joint in my body hurt. I was walking in Target and had a sharp pain in my ankle that traveled through my whole foot.

I’m trying not to complain, as all I wanted was to be okay for the party, and I made it. I survived! I knew today wouldn’t be my best, and I just didn’t let it get to me. I didn’t stress about my house or the cooking for tomorrow. I just did what I could.

My son finally cleaned his room, though I haven’t checked to see what he shoved behind his bed this time. Actually, I don’t even care, because it looks clean and that’s good enough for me tomorrow. It was so nice out and I was able to open the windows, which also added to my happiness. I’m ready for spring, though I think it’s supposed to get colder again tomorrow.

Pet Peeve of the Day

For those of you that know me personally (and there aren’t many because I haven’t announced my blog to family and friends after the reaction of my good friend when I brought it up), I have issues with typos and grammar. By trade, I’m an editor and a social media consultant. I also work with a nonprofit organization that helps families of children with special needs in my area. All of these things make me happy. I like what I do.

Issues arise, though, when I’m playing around on Facebook and I see all sorts of typos. I can’t help but wanting to fix them. Tonight, in particular, someone on one of the fibromyalgia groups that I am in posted about the loss of her father today. I swear there were like 20 comments saying “I’m sorry for your lost.”

I restrained myself from correctly people I don’t know, and I gave myself a bit of a laugh because I don’t proofread my own blog. I write from stream of conscious as to what’s on my mind. As an editor, if I went back and read it before publishing it, it would be set up with an article structure with headings, etc.

You can tell the posts that I made revisions to. They are the ones that look pretty, and have a nice flow and pace. I’m not working when I’m writing this blog. It just makes me feel good to share some of the daily struggles with people who understand. But PLEASE…remember, it’s “I’m sorry for your loss.”

I almost needed a xanax with all the grammar issues. Tonight’s picture is my cats enjoying the open window today. That relaxes me. Believe it or not, with today’s level of exhaustion, I just took a half of an Ambien. For some reason now that I can relax and sleep, I can’t!

Just ignore any tweets after this point. Blame the Ambien!

The Sleepover That Won’t End

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The next time I think about having sevens sleepover, remind me that with my two girls that is NINE. Also remind me to not have kids I’m on the fence about. And then remind me that the girls wanted to play musical chairs at 11pm.

I think I finally have them settled down. The majority wants the television left on, but one of them is against it and making a fuss. I had two of them that didn’t even want to come up to sing Happy Birthday to my daughter. They were busy on the iPad that one of them brought. What was nice to see was that three or four of my daughter’s friends were really concerned about that and told them that they weren’t being kind.

My daughter has a sweet group of friends. I just think that two of them that are here tonight are tough. One wants things her way or she pouts, and the other one just wants to play by herself with her iPad. If I take them out of the mix, the girls had a great time. Lots of laughter and fun, but I can’t even tell you how exhausted I am.

I need to get through breakfast tomorrow and then once they leave, I’m telling my own kids that it’s Mommy’s nap time. They need to play quietly and give me time to rest before I have to entertain on Sunday for the family party. I haven’t even thought about what I’m cooking. I suppose I need to figure that out tomorrow.

Luckily my migraine is gone today. There is no way I could have pulled this off yesterday, so I’m thankful it worked out. I just sat down a little while ago and when I got up to get a glass of water, every joint and muscle in my body ached. It’s been a long day, but I made it through.

I’m still getting the Raynaud’s fingers a lot. At first it was only in the cold, but I didn’t even leave the house today, so it’s not that. My fingers are swollen and turning different shades of red and white. For those of you with Raynaud’s, how often does this happen? I’m not used to it happening when I’m not freezing cold.

Dear God…one kid just came upstairs to tell me it’s too hot for her to sleep. This night may never end. I still hear laughter. Someone save me from the house full of nine-year-old girls!

Swelling, Brain Fog, and Pain…Oh My!

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I’m not doing much better today. I finally fell asleep last night around 4AM, and then took the morning off and slept until noon after I got the kids on their buses. My hands are more swollen then they have ever been, and I can’t even tell you what body part hurts the most. I hurt everywhere!

Days like this are so hard, and I know my fellow autoimmune sufferers can understand. I don’t want to sleep all day. I have a lot of things that needed to get done. The people who say “just push through it” don’t have a clue. I am the person that just pushes through. Most moms take care of themselves last. We aren’t allowed to get sick. We hold our little ones as they cough all over us, and when we finally get sick the caring for the children doesn’t stop. We push through.

I guess that “push through it” annoys me because it implies that I’m not trying to push through the day. What many people don’t know is I’m pushing to get through of most days, but they don’t get that. When I have a day like today, there is no pushing through. I can’t move without intense pain.

I’m walking hunched over, and when I get up I feel like my knees are going to give out. I even had trouble holding my cup of tea today…so NO, I’m not pushing through anything. I’m letting my body guide my day and doing what I need to do to get through. I refuse to let anyone tell me that’s some kind of failure…giving in and staying in bed most of the day. As far as I know, I’m the only person in this body and no one else can judge the level of pain I’m in.

After I put the kids to bed, I took some narcotic pain medicine. The thing I hate the most about it is that they all seem to make me itchy. I constantly scratch myself when I take percocet, vicodin, or dilaudid. It’s some weird reaction, but I would rather be itchy than in pain. To be honest, the medicine just took the edge off the pain. It’s not like I’m feeling good at the moment; I’m just in a bit less pain.

Brain Fog

I don’t think I’ve touched on the topic of brain fog much on my blog yet. I think it’s something I don’t like to admit to having. I’m ready to tell you, that today was also hellish in terms of brain fog. I know my routine, yet for the past few days I’m forgetting things. Last Thursday I forgot to bring my daughter to dance simply because I didn’t remember it was Thursday.

That’s just not like me. I know these storms we’ve been having contribute to the amount of pain and other symptoms I’m having, but I’m just not sure what to do about the brain fog. It doesn’t seem to get better with sleep. I’m at a loss for what to do. Any helpful hints are most welcome.

Going Back to the Rheumatologist

I’ve also given myself a deadline of the weekend to start feeling better. I really wanted things to work going off my RA meds, but I’m seriously considering going back on the Plaquenil. I have researched other things I will ask the good doctor about, but I just can’t keep going on in this kind of pain. I want my life back!

Tomorrow is another day, and I’ll work on being less crabby and less of a downer. We all have days like this, I’m sure.

The Suck Just Keeps Coming…

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Did I mention my kitchen pipe was frozen? Yeah, well, it thawed out around 3AM and I didn’t hear anything until about 4AM. That made for a nice flood of two inches in the kitchen (there were dishes in the sink). It also ran through the ceiling downstairs into my newly finished basement. From there my morning consisted of using towels and a shop vac. I rented two large dryers from Home Depot and then went back to bed for a few hours.

The picture on this blog is my hands early this morning, all swollen and painful. I can tell you the last thing I felt like doing at 4AM was getting water out of my house, but it’s not really like I had the luxury of saying “no, thanks”.

After I was able to nap for a few hours, today got a little better. I was able to make it to part of my son’s wrestling tournament and see him win a match. I’m new to wrestling, but if you’ve never been to a tournament, it’s a long day of standing around and waiting. I was able to find a chair, but #3 wanted to sit on my lap the whole time.

I feel silly saying I’m exhausted from sitting around watching kids wrestle for most of the day, but it’s the truth. Sometimes just getting out of the house is a big event. Anyway, I’m glad I was able to see him and he came in 4th for his weight class…not bad for his first season. I don’t know if he’ll do it again, but I think it was good for his confidence. He let his anxiety take over before his third match, and I can’t help myself for passing that on to him. As a child my nerves always got in the way of me trying out for things or doing sports. I think he has the ability to be good, but he hasn’t truly realized that yet.

We’re getting a little more snow, which might be the reason for my migraine. I’m like a human barometer. I just took some meds for it and I’m looking forward to just relaxing and going to bed early. Exhaustion doesn’t even describe how I feel.