Anxiety Sucks

My past few weeks have been filled with a lot of panic attacks and anxiety. Actually I’m not sure they are panic attacks, but they are what I’d consider panic attacks. I get this feeling  of anxiety, a little tightness in my chest, I feel like my heart rate is fast, but it isn’t, and I just find myself unable to calm down even with deep breathing.

Kind of sounds like a heart attack when I write it out that way, but at the moment I need to stay off WebMD. I know it’s anxiety. I have had a lot on my plate. I worry a lot in general. I stick my foot in my mouth quite often and deal with the repercussions, which require a significant amount of my time stressing about how to deal with things.

I worry about my kids. Am I doing enough? Am i doing too much? What am I doing wrong? My son has been downright nasty lately. Maybe you can say it’s that he’s almost 13 and that’s typical, but dear lord. He walks in the house and immediately starts being nasty to my youngest daughter. He goes out of his way to be mean.

He argues with me constantly because clearly it’s my fault that he’s in special education for a reading disability and he wants me to tell the school he doesn’t need to go anymore. And he just won’t let things go. EVER! He will talk about something until you want to give in…that’s the plan, I think. But I don’t fall for it.

He recently went off his ADHD medicine and I’m beginning to think this was a bad decision. I feel like it’s adding to his behavior issues. I don’t want to be constantly arguing with him or telling him to calm down. He’s an amazing kid. One on one, he’s so awesome, but he’s so freakin selfish. I just don’t get it.

If his sister’s get to do anything, he gets angry and needs to do something better. He does a LOT! We may not be rich, but we do a lot for our kids to be able to do the sports they want and activities, etc. Out trip to Disney almost sent me over the edge. Any time his sisters wanted to go on a ride he didn’t want to go. If he wanted to go on something then the group could be happy and have fun, but if he was miserable, we all were miserable.

I need to talk to someone about it, or bring him back to therapy because I am at my wit’s end. It’s adding to my stress, but certainly not all of it.

I feel like in my 40s I shouldn’t be worrying about childish games that girls play, but some people never grow up. The gossip and nastiness never ends. It’s not one thing in particular, but rather a general feeling of no longer being included. There is a part of me that’s really okay because even I know I don’t fit in. I’m far from the cool kid, HAHA. But I guess it’s that I don’t know what I did that’s bugging me.

What I’ve decided is to handle it differently than usual. I need to look at people for who they are. I have a lot of really terrific people in my life. I may not be that person who goes out every weekend and posts pics all over FB drinking with my friends, but I have friends that make me laugh, smile, and that I know have my back as I have theirs.

So back to the anxiety…I think that with everything going on it’s this breaking point and at random points through the day my body just says, “ok I’m done, you need to stop now.” I don’t like medicine, but I have been taking a half of a Xanax when I need it. It helps takes that edge off and then I use my breathing and some essential oils. I won’t push those on anyone, but I’m starting to use them and I think for certain things they do help me.

I’m not crazy trying to cure everything with them, but headaches, relaxation, stress, sore muscles, etc., they work pretty well.

My only good news (other than my friend from my last blog is doing magnificent and is already home from the hospital) is that I think the change in medication has finally allowed me to start losing weight. I was gaining anywhere between 1-3 pounds per week for over a year. Nothing I did would stop it. I exercised like a maniac. Tried every diet plan…everything. I was eating under 1000 calories a day and wouldn’t lose a pound.

A few months after a medication switch I’m finally seeing the weight come off. I am down 20lbs since November, but 10lbs since February. This is huge for me. I couldn’t get the scale to move forever.

I’m also feeling well enough to lightly walk and jog on the treadmill. I’m slow as hell. I’m lucky is I can jog for 3 minutes, but I keep going and I feel pretty good. I was so diligent before we left for Disney and I need to get back to it. My FitBit was keeping me accountable. I’ll get back on track tomorrow, though I’m sure I’ll be going backward in stamina.

Anyway, this blog was all over the place. That’s how scattered I’ve been. Maybe I have ADHD. I’m old and crotchety and I think in my old age I am less tolerant of people who are fake. I don’t have time. I am working hard to surround myself with happy people. It’s not easy letting go of friends that have been around for a while, but let me tell you, Facebook has this new acquaintance feature. It’s fabulous!

You can list your friends as acquaintances and choose not to share things with acquaintances. I decided I didn’t need the people that I don’t really see or talk with to have access to my posts, pictures, etc. I’m not deleting them. They can see my comments, etc. just not every post. I LOVE that! It’s helping me not be an unfriending bitch while still keeping things private from those with whom I question their trust.

I’ll try not to be so scattered next time!!

 

 

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It’s Friday the 13th

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I should have known never to plan a birthday sleepover on Friday the 13th. Let’s just say it didn’t go well. I took 6 ten-year-olds and my younger daughter to see Cinderella in the IMAX theater. About halfway through, my daughter told me she didn’t feel well. Then she threw up on the way to the bathroom.

She didn’t want me to tell her friends until the movie was over, but in the meantime I was texting all the moms that the sleepover needed to be canceled. My poor daughter. She was crying and so worried her friends would be upset, but she has some super sweet friends. I’m praying she’s not up all night throwing up. She’s been asleep since minutes after we got home.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog, and truth be told, I’ve been a bit depressed. I set my sights on getting a puppy and that took over my life for about two weeks. Adopting a rescue dog is no joke! It took over a week for us to get approved for a dog…well, the dog I wanted. The local rescues approved us quickly but they didn’t have what I was looking for.

I wanted a fluffy German Shepherd mix. I applied for a puppy in a Texas German Shepherd rescue. His pictures weren’t great, but there was just something about him. I felt like he was the one. We got the approval for him over a week after we applied. They called references, our vet, did a criminal background check.

Anyway on February 28th we found out that we were approved to adopt the puppy (pictured above) who has named Benson at the rescue. We spent the next three nights in family meetings discussing his name. No one could agree on anything. All our pets are named after foods so we wanted to keep that theme.

The kids came up with Root beer, Colby (cheese), Chip, and I liked Schnitzel. Schnitzel was immediately shot down. After days of negotiations I felt like we needed to find a new choice and I was driving by a Dunkin Donuts (if you don’t live in the northeast, it’s a huge donut and coffee chain). It hit me…Dunkin is a great name and it’s still a donut!

So they all agreed and we hoped to get him by the middle of the month. Because he had to be neutered we needs to wait a week for the transport to be scheduled. Then they said it would be March 18th. Ok, I could work with that. Then they emailed that the transport on the 18th was canceled and I lost it. I don’t want to miss the puppy stage.

Long story short, he is arriving in CT on March 28th. I wasn’t thrilled, but I can’t do anything to change it. The vet he saw in Texas pushed back his age three weeks making him ineligible for transport. I certainly don’t want to put him in a situation to get sick, but the waiting is killing me.

I’ve second guessed getting him about 100 times. I want a puppy, but I’ve never gotten a dog online. You don’t really know what he looks like or anything. I mean he looks cute in the picture, but what if he’s not what I was dreaming of?

I think focusing on the puppy has taken the true focus off what’s been bothering me. I know I’ve mentioned this before but I’m turning 43, the age that my mom was when she died. As it gets closer to March 30th, I’m falling further into a funk. It’s just a very weird feeling. I know the 30th will not be an easy day, but the fact that we will have Dunkin will help me focus on the positive.

My rheumatoid arthritis has been tough. This winter has been so cold and it’s like once my hands are that cold, nothing warms them up. I’ve woke up the last few mornings with swollen hands and what looks like a lipstick mark in different spots. The first day I saw it I tried to rub it off because it truly looks like a lipstick stain. It didn’t come off. Then the next day it was in a different spot. Today’s was large enough that it concerned my husband. He took a picture of it to show my doctor.

I am thoroughly disgusted with the way I look. I think that’s definitely adding to the depression. I look hideous and I don’t fit in anything. I am getting back to my Ideal Shape products and did well today. I definitely like the chocolate shakes better than the vanilla, which surprises me. Usually I like a vanilla shake with added fruit. This one smells like Play Dough to me, HAHA!

I am also forcing myself to exercise every day. It’s tough on the high pain days, and on those days I’ll just do abs or something small. If my hands are swollen, holding weights isn’t an option.

Once the puppy comes, I will be walking more…and hopefully by then it will be warmer.

I’ve also had some pretty horrific migraines in the past three weeks. I’m not sure what that’s about, but it has been awful. I use my prescription migraine medicine, Maxalt, so sparingly because even the generic is darn expensive (with insurance). I had to take three in the past three weeks. Usually I can fight it off with Excedrin, but these weren’t going away.

Anyway, I know that my next two weeks will be emotional and hectic. Right now my main hope is that my daughter doesn’t end up puking all night. She’s been sound asleep for a while. Praying she sleeps it off. Gosh, it’s awful when your kids are sick.

I’ll try and be better about keeping the blog up-to-date. I feel like it’s therapy for me.

Just Surviving

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I feel like it’s an accomplishment that I survived today. We had a gymnastics birthday party for my daughter with 12 kids (other than mine) and it was hectic. I’m not sure what was funnier to me, the girl that wanted me to buy her a gymnastics outfit instead of giving her a gift bag, or that my mother-in-law said one inappropriate thing after another.

My neighbor was talking about a situation her older daughter is having with a co-worker and that she tried to talk to her boss about it, but nothing has been done. My mother-in-law blurted out, “Oh is he gay?”

I’m not sure how she draws conclusions. My brother-in-law and I had to walk away because we were laughing so hard. I used to spend time trying to explain to her that her comments could be taken as rude, insensitive, and inappropriate, but I gave up on that about 8 years ago. She isn’t going to change.

Tonight I’m fighting a headache. I’ve been able to stay on top of the pain, so it’s not bad, but I realized that I skipped taking my birth control pill last night and that always triggers a migraine for me. As soon as I realized it, I took the pill this afternoon, so I’m hoping between that and some over the counter meds that I don’t wake up with a bad headache tomorrow.

It’s bad enough that the temperature is going to be -14 tomorrow morning. I don’t need a migraine on top of dealing with that. The front of my thighs are hurting me tonight; one more than the other. I’m not sure what that’s about. Of course, my mind jumped to the fact that I work with the computer on my lap all day and it’s probably a tumor.

Tomorrow is also a school holiday and then we have a snow storm coming on Tuesday. At this rate, the kids will be in school until July.

So I need to get back on the diet wagon tomorrow. I am thoroughly disgusted with myself. I allowed myself to fail…again. Tomorrow begins a new week and I’m going to give it my all. I’m going to ignore the fact that I made banana bread today and that I’m likely the only one who will eat it. I need to get serious before it starts to get warm.

I was good about exercising last week, so I plan to keep that up. I didn’t do anything today and did plan to, but I got sucked into watching the Saturday Night Live Anniversary Special. It was great watching some of those older sketches with Phil Hartman, Chris Farley, Will Ferrell, etc.

I’ll get back to my elliptical that I hate tomorrow. It’s good for me, and I need to work up to a longer amount of time. We’ll see. I was thinking of pulling out my step and doing an old step class. I miss it. It was my favorite class to teach.

I need to get back to doing it a few times a week. It will break up the monotony to spending 30 minutes on the elliptical. It’s now 12:30 and I’m still wide awake. I’m going to have to take a half an Ambien to get some rest.

If you’re on the upper East Coast, try to stay warm.

Town Politics

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I don’t like politics. I have my views, and I don’t shove them on anyone else, and I hate when people shove theirs on me. But national politics are very different than local politics. I live in a fairly small town in New England. Living about 8 miles from Sandy Hook Elementary School, our lives were forever changed by the massacre that occurred on 12/14/12. It also changed the things that area schools do to protect our children.

Our town is in a first with our First Selectman over money needed for special education. For those that have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I work for a nonprofit doing special education advocacy. Let’s put it this way, a town cannot simply decide not to fund special education, Unless, of course, they are willing to take on the lawsuits that will result from that decision of doing something against the law.

Our town’s Board of Education requested a special appropriation of money because they are over budget due to the need for long terms subs and special education. Our First Selectman and Board of Finance turned the other way and ignored a 1000-person signed petition for a town meeting. I’m going to be blunt…I think he’s a schmuck. Funny that no one on either of those boards have a child in the district.

So all of this is on my mind today. It wasn’t an eventful day overall, but it’s one that’s fairly pain-free, so I’m thankful for that. I’m just finding that my patience is thin. I snapped a lot at my kids today, and I hate when I’m like that. I’m just tired of the bickering and nastiness toward each other. Do you ever just need a break from your kids?

Maybe I sound like a horrible mother saying that, but sometimes I just need a break. I have three kids, two of whom have learning issues, and two of whom (not the same two) have ADHD. Homework is not easy, nor fun. I’m just crabby today.

For the first time I’m hoping for a snow delay tomorrow. I’m overbooked and that would clear my schedule. Also, I cheated on my diet terribly today. I mean, not just a little cheat. I found chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels…ate way too many. And, I had an ice cream sandwich. I never crave ice cream. It’s not really my thing. I enjoy it when I have some, but it’s nothing I go out of my way for.

My youngest daughter begged for them in the grocery store today, and I didn’t expect to have one, but I’ll admit…her’s looked delicious. So it’s back on the wagon tomorrow and I will be stepping up the exercise. I also wasn’t great about drinking the crazy amount of water today, and believe it or not, I’m finding I feel better drinking all that water.

I have more energy and I think I have less headaches. So, it’s back measuring my water intake. I need to find more willpower. I’m going to force myself to write down everything I eat. Maybe that will help.

Hoping you all had a pain-free day.

Storm Juno: A Bust!

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Though the winds were howling most of the night, we only got about 7 inches of snow, compared to the 30 they were predicting. I know other areas of CT and MA got hit a lot harder, but luckily we were spared. As I mentioned, as long as we didn’t lose power, I didn’t care how much snow came down.

The kids have a 2 hour delay tomorrow, and I’m glad they opted to decide that tonight rather than wait until the morning. Because there is still a layer of snow and ice on the roads and it’s supposed to be like zero again tonight, it was a good call. The kids get to sleep in a little, so they are pleased.

It wasn’t a great day for my diet again, so tomorrow I’m going to buckle down and re-start. I’m beginning to think I have an addiction to sugar. I was feeling good with out it, and today I had a cookie and a brownie and it became difficult not to go back for more.

I did stick to my small meals and shakes, though. Dinner was chicken sauteed with onions, mushrooms, spinach, and kale in a wine sauce. My portion was decent so it’s a start. I’m making the decision not to get down on myself about it. I workout out tonight and did a lot of arms and abs because my class was snowed out this morning.

Tomorrow I plan to get back on my strict routine, and I’m prepare for the first two days to be tough again with my sugar cravings. I’m ready.

Today was also a little more difficult with my fibromyalgia and/or rheumatoid arthritis. My hands were very stiff, as were my hips and back. I was able to take a nap with everyone home, which is shocking, but the kids were fantastic all day. I know I’m lucky. My older daughter really wanted to bake, so that’s why there were brownies in the first place.

She’s been into cooking lately, I just wish she’d eat more. This sounds hilarious but today she tried a sandwich for the first time. For whatever reason, the kid never ate bread until recently. I have to pack turkey or ham with no bread for her lunch, so this is a huge breakthrough.

I’m ready for bed early tonight, and I can only blame the exhaustion on the fibro. I didn’t do enough today to be tired, but for some reason I really am. I think as a mom, you just get used to ignoring when you feel tired. I don’t know a mom out there that isn’t exhausted, but it is a different type of exhaustion with an autoimmune disease. I can feel my body saying rest now or pay for it later.

I push sometimes when there is something I really want to do, but in this case, I’m just and relaxing. There will be time to finish up things tomorrow (while I’m dealing with being hungry).

I hope you all survived Storm Juno unscathed. I could use some positive vibes for getting back on track with my Ideal Shape tomorrow. I need to do this.

I Cheated

Wish I Was There Instead of Here

Wish I Was There Instead of Here

They are calling it the possibly one of the worst storms in history. My kids are home, possibly through Wednesday and I ate three cookies and a handful of potato chips today. I learned it’s much harder to stick to my diet with them home. I’m back on the wagon tomorrow.

The wind is really starting to pick up here. I’m not sure how much snow we have, but the roads were looking bad around 5pm. The state put a ban on all travel on roads except emergency vehicles. I’m taking that as a sign that it’s pretty bad.

As long as I don’t lose power, I’m fine being stuck snowed in for a few days. I’m just stressed with the high winds and heavy snow that we might lose a tree and knock wires down.

Surprisingly, my pain level is pretty good today. I did not go outside, other than to carry in some wood for the wood stove. The kids went sledding and I watched from the sliding glass door and had hot cocoa ready. I have a feeling that they are going to try and talk me into sledding tomorrow and that’s when it all could go downhill.

Today would have been my mom’s 72nd birthday. It’s funny, some years it hits me really hard and others not. I didn’t get emotional today, but I think that might be because I let it all out last week after a talk with my son about her. My life would have turned out so different had she lived. I can’t even imagine what my like would be like with her here. Actually, I think I’m going to have a more difficult time with my own birthday this year.

I’m turning the age that she was when she died–43. I remember at 14 and everyone was telling me how young she was. But now I see it. I don’t feel old. I can’t imagine preparing to die and leave my children. I just wonder who she had to talk to during that time. She had her mother and my step-father, I guess. I just don’t know how she did it.

Onto a lesser intense subject. I’m watching The Bachelor. Dear lord! Some of these women have no respect for themselves. Okay, all of them. You don’t compete for a man! I admit to watching because of the psycho people. It makes it a little fun, but I’m not liking this guy too much.

Hopefully I’ll have something more inspiring to talk about tomorrow. It was such a quiet day here. I hope everyone in the Northeast stays safe in this storm.

 

Still Dieting

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It’s day 4 of my Ideal Shape diet. Yesterday was easy, but today I had to go to brunch for a family event. I probably ate more at that one meal than I would have if I were home, but I skipped an extra meal today and only had four. I’m probably not supposed to do that, but I really wasn’t hungry.

Interestingly, what is the most difficult is getting all the water in. That’s a LOT of water, definitely way more than I’m used to drinking. I’m wondering if my headaches will improve a bit with all the extra water. My brother-in-law is a neurologist and he always said dehydration is a major cause for headaches.

I got to go to dinner last night with an old friend and that was good therapy for me. She is one of my oldest friends. We met in kindergarten. I think I needed the therapy session with someone who knew my mother. We went through a lot around the same time, first with my mother being sick and dying of cancer, and then she had her own family issues a year or two later.

When you’ve known someone that long, inevitably you have a lot to reminisce and laugh about. It was a good night.

We are now expecting a huge snow storm. Depending on who you listen to, it’s either starting tomorrow morning or after 5pm. They keep moving it up…and increasing the amount of snow we’re supposed to get. I stopped listening when the amounts were over 18 inches.

I braved the grocery store with all the nuts getting their bread and milk this evening. I like to cook when we’re snowed in, so I bought a roast and snacks for the kids. And, I stocked up on cat treats for the furry children. Heaven forbid they go without.

I don’t mind the snow when I have nowhere to go. It’s kind of nice being snowed in, as long as we don’t lose power. Our electric company has already sent a robocall about power outages. So basically, people are going insane.

Typically we don’t lose power that often. We survived Hurricane Sandy with only a few flickers, but everyone else on our road was out for over a week. We’re on a different power circuit (that’s about as technical as I get). We do have a wood stove, so that will help should we lose power. I have my crocheting, board games, cards, etc. We’ll keep busy.

I just signed up for Netflix. I might possibly be the only person that hasn’t joined until now. I’m hoping that will be something the kids and I can do tomorrow. I was looking all over for the movie West Side Story to show it to my daughter. She’s all into musicals and I know she’d love it.

So that’s the plan for Snowpacalyse. Stay tuned. Hopefully I can survive baking cookies, etc. with my diet!

 

Diet: Day 1

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I’m still alive…a little hungry, but still alive. My Ideal Shape order came today and I’m pleased to say, so far everything tastes really good. I bought a supplement that goes along with the program and I think tomorrow I will take it in the afternoon because I’m feeling way too much energy for the night. It might be an Ambien night over here.

I was able to stick to the program and drink all the water I was supposed to. I spent a lot of time in the bathroom from all the water, but other than that, it was all good. I was trying to go to bed without a snack, but I was pretty hungry so  had a gluten-free rice cake with peanut butter and so far so good.

I think I’m just excited to get started. Tomorrow I will step on the scale so I can get back to weighing myself weekly. I’m not looking forward to that, but I need to do it.

My migraine from last night lasted well into the day. I actually had to lay down with the TENS unit running to loosen the muscles in my neck. I was able to kick it for the most part, but it definitely affected the majority of my day. I’m trying to get another round of editing done for the last book I have on my plate this week. I believe two of them will come back for another round and final proofing, but it was a good feeling to completely finish a military fiction novel.

I had a tough time getting into the novel at first, as military fiction is not really my thing, but much to my surprise, I love the way it turned out. I really got into the story, and the author is such a fascinating veteran. It’s always a great feeling to finish a book, but I get a little weird about it…like I’m afraid to let it go. No matter how many times I read something, I always want to make little changes. It’s hard to say, “This is done.”

The three novels I was working on this week are all very good. I’m excited for the authors. It’s nice to be a small part of their book. I did let one almost-client know that I didn’t want to work with her…something that isn’t easy for me. I edited a sample chapter and she sent it back saying that she didn’t want to add commas (I added commas) because they are “obsolete.” That was enough to send me over the edge, so I told her I didn’t think we were a good match.

Earlier in my career I would take on any author. I thought I could help anyone, but I’ve learned to not take on people that I don’t get along with on a personal level…and especially not someone who thinks punctuation is becoming obsolete. I almost had to pop a Xanax!

The other thing I accomplished today was doing a resume for my daughter. Did I mention she was 9? I felt a bit like a freaky stage mom, but she wants to try out for a part in The Sound of Music next month and they require a resume and headshot. I’ll be taking pictures this weekend. I’m ridiculously proud of her that she is eager to try out for a part. She is so she and gets so nervous. I just give her so much credit for even trying.

She was pretty disappointed that she didn’t get a role in her school’s fourth grade play, but the thing is, she can really sing, but acting might be a struggle. Since she is so shy, I’m not sure how the audition went. She has a stutter sometimes, and I know that’s always on her mind when she’s speaking in public.

Anyway, she’s taking a class this weekend on how to audition and I’m hoping this helps her. Part of the problem is that she is not a competitive kid…at all. She needs to be a little more competitive if she wants to do plays, but if it doesn’t happen for her this year, she will get there. This is a kid who didn’t talk to anyone in kindergarten for several months because she was so shy. The fact that she’s auditioning at all is so huge. I just want her to get a role so she builds confidence in herself, even a small role.

So she’ll be auditioning for the part of the second youngest Von Trapp kid. Fingers crossed. I’ll probably be puking from nerves when she goes in to audition. Clearly she gets her fear and panic fro her mother.

I have a PPT for my son tomorrow that I’m starting to feel stressed about. If you don’t know what a PPT meeting is, chances are you do not have a child in special education. Two of my children are dyslexic, and tomorrow is my son’s annual meeting. Last time, we had to adjourn the meeting and I came back with my co-worker, who is an advocate. It’s funny, I attend PPTs with clients all the time, but when it’s your own child, it really helps to have someone else there with you that you feel is on your side. It often feels like an us against them thing.

Other than that, there isn’t much else going on here.

A Day of Ups and Downs

sushi

If you read my post from last night, you know I was up late waiting for my eBay auction to end. I’m happy to say that I’m the proud owner of a sushi chef nutcracker (pictured above). So, my day started out on a high note.

My kids religion class was canceled this morning because the roads were very icy here in CT. People were posting on Facebook all day about accidents in town and nearby, so my plan was to stay in our jammies and watch television. My kids got a huge kick out of the Game Show Network. It was actually a really fun few hours until it got awkward when the questions on Family Feud included things like, “Name something that would be surprising for your husband to bring to bed on your honeymoon?”

Yep! When I yelled out “book” the kids all wanted to know why. I opted not to seize the moment and discuss what a man and a woman usually do in bed on their honeymoon.

My girls really wanted to go see Into the Woods this evening. I’ve been going back and forth about it because some people have said it’s too scary (they are almost 8 and almost 10). Others have said that the graphic stuff isn’t shown, so it would be fine. I don’t think they’ll pick up on the sexual things from the wolf (another reason not to prolong our Family Feud conversation), but I don’t want to pay all that money and have to leave because my youngest daughter is too scared.

When I finally got the urge to shower today, I went downstairs to grab something and water was pouring into my finished basement from two different spots. Last night we thought a bit of water was coming in from a pipe, but today it was clear that Mother Nature was to blame.

As I freaked out running back and forth to the two spots with the shop vac, I realized I wasn’t going to be able to keep that up for very long. My husband finally got home and began to build a trench leading the water from the crazy ice and rain away from the house.

Within about 30 minutes, the water slowed way down and it’s all but stopped now. It wasn’t what I planned on doing today, and it pretty much sucked. Despite sucking for the obvious reasons, add to that being on my hands and knees with the shop vac and that sent my joints into complete hell and subsequently canceled our movie plans. Actually, we also heard the roads still weren’t great, so that helped make my mind up to take the kids tomorrow. Praying that’s the right decision.

I’ve been researching weight loss plans to deal with the weight issues that having been, well, weighing me down for a while now. I need something that takes a lot of the guesswork out. I tried Take Shape for Life last year and I actually liked some of the food, but I didn’t do so well. I don’t know what to attribute my failure to. I think after the really tough first week and only losing three pounds, I was frustrated. People in the online support group were reporting 7-10lbs gone and I had a measly 3.

Anyway, I think I’m going to try another program that involves two shakes (or meal bars) per day and a healthy meal. They actually want you to eat every three hours. So what’s going to be different this time? I really wish I could answer that. The drive is there. I need to suck it up and do it. The programs I looked at included Ideal Shape, Shakeology, Isagenix (which a friend has been trying to get me to do) and 310.

Based on the ratings and the prices, I chose Ideal Shape. I’m going to give it my best shot. I hope to be able to order it on Tuesday. Up until yesterday I had my heart set on Isagenix. Two friends had great results, but it’s about $500 if I include the snack I’d need to get through the cleanse days. It also didn’t get rated as high as Ideal Shape in some categories.

Basically, the problem is me. I don’t feel that I’m eating enough to be this weight, but I’m going to give a serious two months to this program while I’m waiting for an appointment with another endocrinologist who specializes in endocrine issues other than diabetes. I tried taking the Metformin to treat the PCOS, but it made me nauseous and I didn’t have the insulin resistance that goes along with PCOS. I wanted to try something so bad, but I don’t want to be on a medication if I don’t truly need it…especially one that makes me nauseous.

This program also has some CDs to help me with self-hypnosis. Yep, I’m three shades of crazy, but I either have to be all in or not do it at all. I’m in. I want to look like myself this summer, not some fat version of me. The other thing is, losing weight has to help relieve the knee and ankle pain (I hope) from the rheumatoid arthritis. I also plan to chronicle my journey (even if it’s boring as hell) as a way to hold myself accountable.

I’ve also been going back and forth about going back on Plaquenil to deal with my arthritis pain. Also on my list to do this week would be finally going to get that blood test that my rheumatologist wanted me to get. I think it was called a Vectra blood test. It’s supposed to look deeper into the issue of RA, and once and for all have a definitive answer. Every specialist has something different to say.

Most agree that I have fibromyalgia. One thinks I have both fibro and RA. And let’s not forget the Raynaud’s. Can I just say that winter completely sucks with Raynaud’s? My fingers and toes are like painful icicles. As far as I know, though, there’s not much that can be done for it. That which does not kill us…oh whatever!

Okay, I’m back!

Four_Leaf_Clover_068

I haven’t blogged in over a month. I have thought about it a few times, actually quite a few, but life gets in the way. I’ve been editing four novels and that’s certainly taken up a good chunk of my time. Put that together with extreme cold weather, aches and pain, swollen joints, and three kids with their various daily activities, if I’m being honest, most of the time I’m just sleeping when my kids aren’t here.

Okay, maybe not every day, but there have been quite a few since Christmas that I worked right from bed with my heated blanket on me all day long. My hands don’t deal well with the severe cold temperatures we’ve been having in Connecticut. I know it’s much worse in other places in the country, so I’m trying not to complain, but moving to Arizona sounds darn good right about now.

I’m not sure why I chose tonight for my blog comeback. It was a non-eventful day up until about 5pm when water started coming out of my wall. My guess was the a pipe burst, but after watching the hubs cut through the ceiling and under my sink, only to find no leaks, we have no idea what the heck is going on.

My husband is very handy. The only thing he won’t do is electrical work. He’s stumped. The water is coming in from the outside wall. Of course the big fear is that my pool is on that wall, but I’m choosing to pop a xanax and not think about that. When we shut the water off to the house, the leak stopped, so it clearly has to do with our water/pipes. So tomorrow, we’ll call a plumber. Good times!

I overdid it today, and I wish I could say I ran a marathon or something. All I did was go food shopping and work on cleaning the house. I had a very emotional talk with my son tonight. He started asking me questions about when I found out my mom was sick, and if I knew she was going to die. He’s a very “deep” kid, so he asks a lot of questions. He wanted to know where I was when I found out she was going to die, where I was when she died, where she was, etc. It turned into a really long conversation and I was a bit emotional.

I remember not believing my mom was going to die. I was 14 and I did a whole lot of praying. I was telling my son that one memory that always stands out for me was when they had to call the ambulance for my mom for some reason. I heard her visiting nurse tell my step-father to make sure the kids said goodbye because she wasn’t sure if my mom would be coming home.

I spent that evening alone in my room crying. I don’t know why I didn’t call anyone. I had some wonderful friends. But I just remember feeling like I couldn’t talk.

Now I know what my son was getting at today. I have dreaded turning 43, the age my mom died, since I was 14. I assure him that I take care of myself and get all the necessary checkups, I think he knows that this year is hard for me. I’m turning the age that my mom was when she died. I’m outliving the years the my mom had. It’s a very strange feeling.

I’ve always been concerned that I’d die at 43 so I think I’m just not celebrating my birthday this year. I always love March and love my birthday, but this year will be low-key. Next year, God willing, I will have a celebration.

The conversation with my son was the first time in a really long time that I had really talked about what it was like for me when my mom was so sick. It’s funny that I’m 42 and I still can’t get through that without crying. Not crazy, hysterics, but tears. I miss my mom, and growing up without a mom during your teenage years sucks. Let alone not having her help me with my wedding or seeing her as a grandmother. All of that stuff gets me emotional.

Tonight’s blog photo, the four-leaf clover, is for my mom. My mom was one of the smartest and funniest people I ever met. She had this really weird ability of finding four leaf clovers. We’d be going for a walk and she’d just find one. We pressed them all into a photo album. I was just thinking about that and wishing I still had it.

So between being a bit emotionally drained, and having a lot of pain in my back and hip, I’m done for the day. There’s just one problem…I have an auction on eBay that ends at 12:20AM. It’s stupid and I don’t need it, but you know when you see something at a store and love it, but think…eh, I can’t do it today, maybe next time. Then you think about that thing and go back and it’s gone?

I collect crazy nutcrackers. Yes, I have a few soldiers, but the majority of them are silly like hockey players with blacked out teeth, a bagpiper, a leprechaun, etc. Anyway, I saw this sushi maker nutcracker with a tray of sushi a few years ago at Home Goods. Never, ever leave Home Goods without getting what you like because it likely won’t be there the next time you go (with the exception of my fantastic 4-foot iron flamingo).

I did a lot of Christmas shopping online, and so I put a saved search in eBay to see if one comes up. Well, much to my surprise, someone put one on for sale this week. Right now he’s at $20, but the same person increased their bid. I’m forcing myself to stay up until midnight (not like I really fall asleep before then, but Ambien is out of the question tonight). I must win the sushi guy!

Anyway, that’s a quick recap of my month. The last time I wrote something was during tech week for The Nutcracker, and both of my girls did so well. I was a super proud mama!

Stay tuned tomorrow for an update on my new weight loss quest. I’m researching plans. I need something idiot proof, so if anyone has a good recommendation, please share.

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