Blogging Is Hard

wonka

 

I’ve written about 10 blogs since my last post. Most were about how hellish it was waiting for my genetic testing results. I decided they were all too boring and never posted them because I was whining. They told me the tests would take 3–5 weeks and I tried to be optimistic, which is not my strong point. I told myself I’d get the call in 3 weeks…then 4…then 5. Then I called to see if there was a problem, but nope. They just weren’t back yet.

Seven weeks later I got the call while I was teaching a class but I saw it was the hospital and answered it anyway. Happily I can report that my genetic testing is fine. I did not have the BRCA gene mutations or any of the other mutations they tested for. This was a HUGE relief.

I attributed my horrific anxiety to the waiting. Though I can’t say it was on my mind all the time, I figure subconsciously it was adding stress. I was waking up with panic attacks and that panic feeling would last all day unless I took a Xanax. I tried everything. Running (well as much as a girl with rheumatoid arthritis can run) did help.

I have one of those Couch to 5K apps and though I’m at a point where the running intervals are too long for me, I still keep going , or at least I was until the last two weeks. We’ve had temperatures over 90 every day and running doesn’t even remotely sound like fun. Instead, I spend 30 minutes swimming laps (again…RA girl, not a strong swimmer, sometimes with a damn pool noodle but kicking my legs the whole time and moving my arms). It’s enough to get my heart rate up and I’m doing something.

Even with that and the relief of my genetic testing news, I’m still struggling with my anxiety. I’ll hear the smallest thing and that will be it. Or sometimes it’s nothing specific and it will just come on out of nowhere.

I’ve been into my essential oils. I don’t want any of my doTerra friends to jump on me here because I love my doTerra oils, but I’m a broke girl…I found a few blends online that I have been diffusing that I think have really helped with my anxiety and they are like $4. I do think there is a correlation between scent and the mind. It doesn’t take the anxiety away, but it helps me.

My vent of the evening is probably one most people have at the moment. Have you had enough of people arguing politics on Facebook, Twitter, etc.? I try to stay out of it. Our country is in a scary place right now and I try and listen with an open mind when people talk. I can’t stand people who are so far in either direction that they can’t have a conversation and listen to someone else’s views. If that’s you, you are part of the problem. We need to get back to being able to listen and disagree without all hell breaking loose.

The Internet changed that for us. Memes changed that for us. We never had Bush/Clinton?Perot memes, but boy some of those would have been funny.

I have one Facebook friend who endlessly posts anti-Muslim things. I try to understand where it’s coming from and it’s a place of fear. She’s afraid for herself, her family, her country. I understand the fear. I don’t understand blaming an entire religion when we have many Muslim Americans fighting in our military against ISIS.

I don’t know that I’ve ever been political on this blog. I’ll probably get a slew of mean comments, and I guess that’s okay. People have their strong beliefs on what needs to be done. I’m one of those people that is somewhere in the middle. I think we have two crappy choices and need to decide who will be the lesser of the evils.

Maybe they are both great people. I am just not sure I think someone who gets into a 7 or tweet Twitter war with a celebrity in charge of when we declare war. On the flip side, there are huge trust issues with Hillary and I’m not sure she brings the kind of strong arm protection we need as a country right now.

What I’m trying to say is I have no freakin idea and I’m going to watch each and every debate. But anyone who thinks they are changing someone’s opinion with a meme on Facebook, I’m sorry. You are making yourself feel better about your decisions. That’s all.

So RA? How’s that? Well me sed rate is down. My C reactive protein is down so all that is good. Overall I feel well. It’s the summer. I do better in the warmth. I can swim, which helps. I have had a few days of stiffness and pain where I’ve needed some pain medication, but very little more than muscle relaxers and Alleve. I’m counting my blessings and taking the reprieve from the intense pain for as long as I can.

I hope my autoimmune friends are all doing well too!

 

Motherhood: The Perpetual State of PMS

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Well, ok motherhood doesn’t come with bloating, but the emotional highs and lows of being a mom closely resemble my hormonal change during the month. I won’t lie. I’ve always been that person that gets overcome with emotion and cries thinking about a moment. What someone put into something; what it must feel like; etc.

My children mock me because I cry at every one of their events from First Communions to dance recitals, to football banquets. It’s jut a known family fact that if my kids are doing something special, in all likelihood I will cry. I tell them it’s my God-given right as a mother.

Today my oldest daughter, who is 11, had a recital with her vocal coach. She is my shy kid. It’s not easy for her to get up in front of people and she panics. When she panics, I panic for her. I decided in the car the other day that I’m like an empath. I take on other people’s feelings. I’ll get back to that in a moment.

Last year was the first year she sang alone and she did fantastic. She completely broke down during intermission and didn’t think she could do it, which then had me on edge wondering if she was truly going to be able to do it and what we’d do if she ran off or it didn’t go well. I wasn’t going to let her back out because I knew she could do it, and I knew she had the talent. There is no way I’d force her to sing in front of an audience if she wasn’t really ready to do so.

This year she shocked me and chose a song that was really hard. It switched keys in the beginning and switched octaves later on. The good news was she was singing BEFORE intermission this time. She would get it over with and not have to panic for the entire recital.

I dropped her off to warm up and my younger daughter and I went to a few stores to kill some time. I ended up buying my daughter a bracelet that says, “She Believed She Could, So She Did.” It’s a struggle to get my daughter to believe in herself. I wanted to get her something to remind herself that she needs to remember she has the strength inside to do whatever she sets her mind to.

As I stood in the store choosing the bracelet in tears (again), my younger daughter who does not sugar coat said, “Mom, pull yourself together.” (She’s 9.) I was blessed with my youngest daughter for a reason. She challenges me a lot and will likely be the cause of all of my gray hair, but she make me laugh like no one else can, and she says exactly what she thinks which is mighty refreshing.

I popped a half a Xanax when we got to the concert, don’t judge. I did okay through her groups numbers, but the solo killed me and I cried the whole time. Oh I tried to cry quietly, but apparently I made everyone in the rows across from me cry because they were watching me cry. But, my daughter sang beautifully and I was so proud.

Later we went to dinner and once again my kids were asking why I cry so much at events and I think my son was wondering if I cry in particular at his events. I’ll admit I don’t cry during football at this point. I cried the first time his name was announced. I cry at the banquets when the coach is speaking about him, but he doesn’t always catch those moments. My son has been struggling to find his place in the world of sports. He desperately wants to be a great baseball and football player and maybe he will be, but right now he’s just okay. But when it comes to golf, the kid is amazing.

I turned the subject to golf and said, “Well someday when you’re playing at the Master’s, I’ll be at the side of the putting green sobbing while you’re trying to make a very important putt.” I also asked if he’d wear pants with flamingos on them if he was going to be a professional golfer but I was completely shot down on that.

My kids are all kind of finding their own way and it’s a good thing, but they are getting big and it’s just a new phase for us. My son does baseball, football and golf. My oldest daughter was just offered a spot on a dance team, and my youngest has moved away from dance and found a great love of gymnastics. Honestly, I could care less what they pursue as long as they are active and happy.

Back to the empath issue. When I was driving the other day I was thinking about a friend that was going through a difficult situation. Immediately I can put myself into her shoes (as much as possible) and feel that devastation to the point of almost a depression. It can also go the other way. When a friend has a wonderful success, my feeling of happiness and joy for them is very intense, like I can feel the joy they have inside. I decided I’m an empath and that’s not a good thing.

It causes me to have some highs and lows that really have nothing to do with me. Do I sound crazy enough yet? Eh…it’s a blog. If I’m crazy, I’m crazy. At least I’m honest about it.

In other news, I’m down 20lbs. I still look terrible and heavy, but I’m down two pant sizes. I need to be down two more before I’ll really celebrate, but it’s a start. I was gaining 2-3 pounds per week with the medicines I was on for chronic pain, rheumatoid arthritis, anxiety and birth control.

I am off meds for chronic pain, and yes…I’m in pain. No Alleve doesn’t fix it, but moving often helps. I hate when people tell me that, but for me it has helped. My neck has been pretty bad lately and that’s been tough, but other than that I’ve really been okay. As I mentioned in a previous blog the anxiety has been rough.

My new combo of meds is allowing me to lose some weight, though. So for that I’m thrilled. I have a lot of work to do, but I’ll just keep walking/moving/jogging and cutting down on late night eating, which is darn hard when you’re an insomniac. I get hungry at 2AM!

So I’m going to try and sleep before I get up and eat something.

 

 

Dusting off the Blog

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I haven’t written a blog post in over a year. I think I lost my mojo for getting it done and it was hard finding things to talk about to keep it interesting. I thought about it and why does it have to be interesting? I’m not all that impressive! I’m just me. So this is just my blog.

So what’s happened over the past year…too much to recap. My kids seem to have aged so much. It’s going by too fast. It sounds so cliche. Everyone tells you to slow down and enjoy it, but when you are a freakin taxi driver taking kids to ballet, gymnastics, wrestling, baseball, etc., it’s hard to slow down.

My house is never perfect. I’m hardly ever organized, but I’m somehow holding it all together. Last year around this time I decided I was having a mid-life crisis. I was turning 43 last March and that was the age I had been dreading since I was a kid. My mom passed away from ovarian cancer than I was 14 and she was 43. I had always thought I, too, would die at 43.

Between my fear of dying and leaving my kids motherless, and realizing just how young my mother really was when she battled cancer and died, I was having a really tough time. I didn’t want anything to do with my birthday so instead I put all my energy into getting a puppy. For anyone who has read my previously, you know I already have a zoo with a dog, three cats, and a parrot, but since I was a little girl I’ve always wanted a German Shepherd.

For weeks, my life was searching rescue sites for the perfect puppy. It took over my life, which I think was what I needed at the time. We brought Dunkin home on March 26th of last year and my birthday is March 30th. It made my birthday less about me and more about enjoying the puppy.

My rheumatoid arthritis is still a pain in the ass among other places. Last winter was much more difficult than this winter. We’ve honestly had a fairly warm winter. And it doesn’t hurt that we were in Florida last week when it was -10 here and we missed that completely.

I felt like I wanted to write a blog tonight because people annoy me with they dumb comments! I don’t know why people say the dumbest things. I’d like to answer with sarcasm: Yes, I have RA because I don’t take care of myself. Yep, it feels JUST like the arthritis you have in your knee from playing tennis. No, I haven’t thought about trying Alleve! I’ll have to give that a try. Your mother’s cousin’s friend tried an herbal supplement that cured her of RA, oh yes please get me that info right away!

I’m back on Plaquenil and I am better on it than off. I tried Cymbalta for chronic pain and that did not go well at all. I was hell! All I did was scream at my kids. I also had even worse mood swings coming off of it. Needless to say, it was not the drug for me. It my help a lot of people with pain management, but the mood side effects for me were horrendous. I was angry…like really angry all the time.

Two weeks ago I tried the trigger point injections again because my rheumatologist talked me into it. Last time around it cause a multi-day migraine. I think it hit something, but what do I know. This time around I had no reaction and until today I haven’t had a headache. Today’s migraine was pretty intense, but between the Excedrin (my prescription meds are out) and the muscle relaxer I was able to get rid of it enough to function.

I was offered my old job back, kind of. I was laid off in 2010 in a really hurtful turn of events that just didn’t need to be handled in that manner. Fast forward 5 years and the company has gone under and new owners have resurrected it and they reached out to see if I’d be interested in producing the annual directories that I used to do. I’m not sure what the hell I was thinking when I accepted their timeline, but somehow I got it done (with help from some wonderful friends who wanted the work and did a great job).

They want to meet with me again this coming Friday to discuss doing them again for this year with a longer timeline, so that’s a good thing. As a freelancer, steady income is a plus. I work as an advocate but I work for a nonprofit. I’m never getting rich that way…heck I’m lucky if I can buy groceries for the month with that, but I love it and I love the families I get to work with…95% of them. I can’t vent about the other 5% but trust me when I say there are some stories there!!

Anyway, I intend to start venting more often because it’s healthy for me. There are far too many irritating people in the world and I just can’t keep it all in!

 

It’s Friday the 13th

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I should have known never to plan a birthday sleepover on Friday the 13th. Let’s just say it didn’t go well. I took 6 ten-year-olds and my younger daughter to see Cinderella in the IMAX theater. About halfway through, my daughter told me she didn’t feel well. Then she threw up on the way to the bathroom.

She didn’t want me to tell her friends until the movie was over, but in the meantime I was texting all the moms that the sleepover needed to be canceled. My poor daughter. She was crying and so worried her friends would be upset, but she has some super sweet friends. I’m praying she’s not up all night throwing up. She’s been asleep since minutes after we got home.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written a blog, and truth be told, I’ve been a bit depressed. I set my sights on getting a puppy and that took over my life for about two weeks. Adopting a rescue dog is no joke! It took over a week for us to get approved for a dog…well, the dog I wanted. The local rescues approved us quickly but they didn’t have what I was looking for.

I wanted a fluffy German Shepherd mix. I applied for a puppy in a Texas German Shepherd rescue. His pictures weren’t great, but there was just something about him. I felt like he was the one. We got the approval for him over a week after we applied. They called references, our vet, did a criminal background check.

Anyway on February 28th we found out that we were approved to adopt the puppy (pictured above) who has named Benson at the rescue. We spent the next three nights in family meetings discussing his name. No one could agree on anything. All our pets are named after foods so we wanted to keep that theme.

The kids came up with Root beer, Colby (cheese), Chip, and I liked Schnitzel. Schnitzel was immediately shot down. After days of negotiations I felt like we needed to find a new choice and I was driving by a Dunkin Donuts (if you don’t live in the northeast, it’s a huge donut and coffee chain). It hit me…Dunkin is a great name and it’s still a donut!

So they all agreed and we hoped to get him by the middle of the month. Because he had to be neutered we needs to wait a week for the transport to be scheduled. Then they said it would be March 18th. Ok, I could work with that. Then they emailed that the transport on the 18th was canceled and I lost it. I don’t want to miss the puppy stage.

Long story short, he is arriving in CT on March 28th. I wasn’t thrilled, but I can’t do anything to change it. The vet he saw in Texas pushed back his age three weeks making him ineligible for transport. I certainly don’t want to put him in a situation to get sick, but the waiting is killing me.

I’ve second guessed getting him about 100 times. I want a puppy, but I’ve never gotten a dog online. You don’t really know what he looks like or anything. I mean he looks cute in the picture, but what if he’s not what I was dreaming of?

I think focusing on the puppy has taken the true focus off what’s been bothering me. I know I’ve mentioned this before but I’m turning 43, the age that my mom was when she died. As it gets closer to March 30th, I’m falling further into a funk. It’s just a very weird feeling. I know the 30th will not be an easy day, but the fact that we will have Dunkin will help me focus on the positive.

My rheumatoid arthritis has been tough. This winter has been so cold and it’s like once my hands are that cold, nothing warms them up. I’ve woke up the last few mornings with swollen hands and what looks like a lipstick mark in different spots. The first day I saw it I tried to rub it off because it truly looks like a lipstick stain. It didn’t come off. Then the next day it was in a different spot. Today’s was large enough that it concerned my husband. He took a picture of it to show my doctor.

I am thoroughly disgusted with the way I look. I think that’s definitely adding to the depression. I look hideous and I don’t fit in anything. I am getting back to my Ideal Shape products and did well today. I definitely like the chocolate shakes better than the vanilla, which surprises me. Usually I like a vanilla shake with added fruit. This one smells like Play Dough to me, HAHA!

I am also forcing myself to exercise every day. It’s tough on the high pain days, and on those days I’ll just do abs or something small. If my hands are swollen, holding weights isn’t an option.

Once the puppy comes, I will be walking more…and hopefully by then it will be warmer.

I’ve also had some pretty horrific migraines in the past three weeks. I’m not sure what that’s about, but it has been awful. I use my prescription migraine medicine, Maxalt, so sparingly because even the generic is darn expensive (with insurance). I had to take three in the past three weeks. Usually I can fight it off with Excedrin, but these weren’t going away.

Anyway, I know that my next two weeks will be emotional and hectic. Right now my main hope is that my daughter doesn’t end up puking all night. She’s been sound asleep for a while. Praying she sleeps it off. Gosh, it’s awful when your kids are sick.

I’ll try and be better about keeping the blog up-to-date. I feel like it’s therapy for me.

Super Bowl, Snacks, and Snow

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I’m not a football fan…except when my son is playing. But, this Super Bowl was a darn good game to watch. The girls and I opted to not go to my sister-in-law’s house to watch the game, and instead we watched movies for most of the day and then watched the game.

I learned how to stream my movies through our XBox so I made the girls watch Grease for the first time ever, and we also watched Mamma Mia. They’ve really been into musicals, but I forgot about some of the scenes in Grease. I suppose I could have exposed them to worse.

I haven’t updated the blog in a few days. My migraine was complete hell all the way until late Friday night. I attended the class that I was accepted to through the state of Connecticut, and I had to take muscle relaxers and two rounds of migraine medicine just to be able to function.

I was very nervous, but it was a good experience. I did my three-minute speech–even cracked a few jokes. I met some very nice people, as well. I would say half of the participants have some sort of disability and the other half are parents of children with a disability. It’s going to be a ton of work, and I still haven’t decided what my final project will be, but I need to figure it out this week.

The other issue I had is that after sitting from noon to 8:30PM in the same chair, I was a mess on Saturday. My body can no longer handle sitting in the same position for that long with only a few small breaks. Saturday’s class was really hard because my hips were so stiff and my back was really bothering me.

By last night I was hobbling around due to joint and muscle pain. When my husband asked why I was walking like I was dying, it really hit me that the rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia have really changed what I can and can’t do. You wouldn’t think sitting would be that big of a deal, but I was in a straight chair and it wasn’t that comfortable to begin with.

The fact that my body stiffens up so easily makes things really difficult. I didn’t have a lot of swelling, but I had a lot of join pain. The only good news was that my migraine finally let up on Saturday. It’s funny, I can suffer through my arthritis pain for the most part, but the migraine was horrid. At one point I was trying to pay attention and I could hardly see because my vision was getting so blurry.

The table of people that I sat with was very nice. I met some great people and made a lot of contacts. It’s funny though, whenever you tell people you are an editor (as I did in my three-minute speech), people want to tell you about a book they are writing. While I did talk to two people at length about editing, I was really focused on all the stuff they were teach about the Department of Developmental Disabilities.

The only issue with the training, other than the fact that I had to give a speech, was that the woman sitting next to me talked under her breath the entire time. I think I heard her snoring on Saturday morning, but I was trying not to look.

For a project for Saturday morning we each had to choose a disability from a given list that we would want over the others, and one we wouldn’t want. I’m not sure why alcoholism was listed as a disability, but it was on there. Anyway, we were supposed to go around the room and tell what we picked and why. The lady next to me chose to have alcoholism and when she got the microphone she just started going through her day of what she’d drink.

The group leader had to tell her to stop when she named her fifth or sixth alcohol. I chose deafness as the disability from the list that I’d take. My first major in school was interpreting for the deaf, so I know how strong the deaf community is. There is a lot of support and I think as much as I’d miss my music, I’d be much more afraid to lose my vision.

We’re also getting hit with another big snowstorm tonight. It just started snowing and they already closed schools again for tomorrow because we’re supposed to get between 12-18 inches of snow. So yay me!! The kids will be home again, and I won’t get much work done.

I’m not even sure what movie to rent tomorrow. I’m looking for something all three kids will enjoy. Hopefully, they can pick one without too much bickering.

 

 

It Warmed Up Outside Today, Someone Alert my Body

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I can’t get warm. My hands, fingers and feet are so cold they get numb. I wasn’t this bad all day, but right now it’s out of control. I have a heated blanket and a heating pad on full force.

I ended up taking all three kids to see Into the Woods today. Good news, my 7-year-old wasn’t scared at all. Most of the bad parts really weren’t shown. I had read the page on IMDB so I knew what to expect, but it wasn’t as violent as some people said.

I love my musicals so I enjoyed it. I wouldn’t say it was favorite ever, but it was cast well.

After that I had some running around to do before we ended up home around 7pm. My son is petrified to go to school tomorrow. He’s making a huge situation of a bad situations from last Friday. A boy, who my son thought is a good friend, asked him…no told him to go buy a snack for the boy.

Step #1 in the right direction, my son said no, rather than buy it so he can fit in. That’s a huge step. Well, when he said no, the boy got everyone else at the table to move, leaving my son alone. The issue is compounded because the dads are good friends and my son thinks the twins should be his best friends. They don’t see it that way.

He is afraid to take the bus and go to school, but we did some role playing on what he should say. I have him asking another boy on the bus to sit with him at lunch. I don’t like most of the kids he sits with anyway. It’s no skin off my back if he finds friends who treat him well. What more could I want for him

No one should feel like everyone hates them. I feel bad for him, but he does need to toughen up a little. He’s a deep thinker, but doesn’t always get when things are implied instead of said. He’s very literal. I just found out that I have a PPT for him this Friday. I need to go over all his testing to make sure they aren’t looking to drop him. Mamabear might need to come out a little.

I think they are afraid of me from last year. I’m very nice until I reach that point and then you need to step back. I’ve learned so much being a mommy to kids that are in special education programs. It could be a full-time job! I’m also lucky to help other families with these issues through a nonprofit. Being able to help families/children is the greatest feeling.

It’s week like this that I wish I could put my fibro and RA aside so I can get everything done, that would be awesome. It doesn’t work that way, though.

Anyway, tomorrow the kids are back to school. I have a morning conference call scheduled before my nap :). Then I have to finish editing a book, or hopefully two, but doubting I’ll get that far.

I hope you are enjoying a pain free evening.

 

Too Busy to Blog???

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I really don’t have a great excuse as to why I haven’t written a blog lately. I’ve been really busy in the evenings doing a few editing projects. I also have been feeling like crap. Yesterday my vision started getting blurry during my session with my tutoring client and that turned into a really horrific migraine.

In all my stupidity, I didn’t want to cancel bringing my daughters to a Christmas dance shown that is put on by the company that they dance with. In some ways, I think they are shunned a bit for not doing the company Christmas show, and instead auditioning for the Nutcracker, which is a huge production that includes dancers from all the surrounding towns and into New York.

We had promised some of the girls’ friends that we’d go, and I bought the tickets ahead of time. I napped as long as possible prior to the show and off we went. It was a very nice show–more like a variety show, with singing and dancing. I made it through the first act okay, but during the second act I was counting songs from the program and estimating the time before I could go home and take a stronger medicine.

I drove home with one eye open and when I got back I took a Maxalt, which is something I only take in extreme cases. It’s just super expensive, like $100 for four pills, so I use them sparingly, but dear lord, last night I needed one. I went to bed with ice packs on my neck and over my eyes.

Luckily, I woke up and the headache was gone. I had plans to do some shopping today, and that went south when I hit a park in a department store parking lot. It was a little fender bender. My car has a scratch on the bumper and the man’s car had a small dent. You know that feeling right after an accident. That crunch sound and the “oh my god, this is going to  be a fortune feeling.” I had that. The man was an older war veteran and he could not have been nicer. He wanted to make sure my girls were okay, etc. We were all fine, and that’s what I tried to focus on. You can always replace a car, not the people in it.

After that happened, I lost interest in going to Kohls. I decided to shop online. I actually got a lot accomplished tonight. My biggest issue #1 is that my youngest daughter wants the Lalaloopy Diaper Surprise doll. Don’t know it? Oh it’s this doll that you give a bottle too, and she POOPS charms. You read that correctly. She poops out charms for a bracelet. I’ve tried to talk her out of it, but it was at the top of her list.

Feel free to have a laugh and check out the commercial for it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXexeL3IQbI

I have yet to decide what to do about that request. She has so many dolls on her list, I am going to have her narrow it down tomorrow. Another dilemma is that she wants the Baby Elsa and Baby Anna dolls from Frozen. Good luck finding those!

My second large issue is that my son wants a phone. Last year we told him if he made the honor roll, he could get one. That worked well. Then he lost it. He’s been without it for about 4 months. My argument is to replace the phone because I’m not spending $200 on an iPod Touch when he already has an older one and a Kindle Fire. My thought is, he is in middle school. The school has after school activities that he can just show up for. He could send me a text.

It’s no that I feel he 100% needs a phone. I just think the alternatives are all going to be only used until he gets a phone. I don’t know. He has just about saved up the money to replace the phone from chores and cat sitting for my parents. I just don’t want to get him a bunch of crap. I did find some fun things for him, but they are all fairly small. I got him a practice football jersey with our last name on it—he’s going to flip!

I also got him an indoor putting thing because he plays golf. There just isn’t that one main gift for him. I’ll figure it out. His dad doesn’t think he should get another phone, but I think people deserve a second chance. Plus that’s something he cares about it, so all I have to do is threaten to take it away, or take it away and have him think about the way he’s acting, etc.

My journey with my health is at a standstill. My step mother, who is a nurse, thinks I should go to NYC or to Yale for a second opinion on the thyroid issue. I’m going the no sugar route tomorrow. We’ll see how long I last, but my weight is a huge problem. It’s really depressing for me because I’ve always been super thin up until these last two years. I hate seeing myself in pictures or even a mirror. I look terrible.

My friend keeps pushing me to try one of those 30-day cleanses, but that sounds so overwhelming. There are four days in the month where you fast. You take a supplement and a full glass of water each hour for two days. I mean, people in her group are posting amazing results, but that is not an easy plan to follow.

Tomorrow I’m going to pretend like I’m back teaching step aerobics and do my thing downstairs. There is a fine line between working it and pushing it thought. I have crazy tech week for the Nutcracker. I can’t be out of commission with joint pain.

I’ll keep you posted on how it goes. I’d like to be down 10lbs by Christmas. Fingers crossed.

So Sick Today

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As I mentioned in my last blog, I was starting Metformin this week. I thought I was doing okay with it. I certainly didn’t have the “bathroom issues” that were commonly mentioned. I just felt a bit nauseous, but nothing I couldn’t handle. Until Friday. I had dinner, and my foot was again in hideous pain so I broke down and took a pain pill. Well the combination of the two sent me over the edge and I began throwing up violently around 1:00AM.

It was awful and I ended up not being able to sleep until close to 4:00AM. I was hesitant to eat anything this morning, but I ate a rice cake with peanut butter. I figured that was bland enough and I held it down okay. We went to my daughter’s singing lesson and then to Nutcracker practice and somewhere during the ride I lost vision in my left eye and I was in a full-blown migraine feeling like I was going to throw up.

I decided to go through the drive through and get a soda to try and calm my stomach. It was so bad that I asked the lady for a plastic bag just in case I couldn’t make it home. I ended up getting home safely and put ice on the back of my neck for an hour before having to go back.

Again, I had an hour or so of feeling okay, and then it was back and I was trying to get back home before tossing my cookies. I feel like I have very low blood sugar; that disoriented, cold sweat, nausea, etc. I slept for two hours and felt a lot better but needless to say, I’m not taking that medicine tonight. I’m going to take another day off tomorrow and try and start it at half the dose on Monday.

When I asked on the PCOS board, many people said they felt like that for a month or two. A MONTH OR TWO? There’s no way in hell I could be like this for a month or two. My son has his football conference championship tomorrow, and I need to be there. I can’t be puking at home.

I was forced to eat a slice of pizza by my family and surprisingly, I think that helped with the queasiness from the low blood sugar. I’m just hitting a wall. I want to lose weight and feel better, but I don’t know if this is the way to do it. I don’t want to be nauseous and puking all the time. Metformin may very well help with my PCOS, but given the fact that I have decided to go back on the plauqenil this week, after I see my rheumatologist, I don’t want to be on both. I’ll tell him everything and see what he says.

My foot has been in that terrible pain either once a twice a day since Halloween. Someone online scared me by saying they felt that kind of pain when their hand deformity started. It felt like the hand was clamped in a position, and that’s exactly what my toes feel like.

Last night really scared me. I’m not ashamed to say I was on the couch crying for my mom. Sometimes you just need your mom when you’re that sick. My mom can’t be here because she passed away at 43, so then I became irrational and started thinking I was beginning to get deformed feet, I was so sick and there was no end in sight, and I need someone to make sure my children are raised the way I want them to be if something happens to me.

Everything was hitting me at once, and add the puking to the mix and I honestly felt scared that something bad was happening. I spent today trying to imagine what my month would be like if I continue with the current meds. I don’t know what to do. I suppose I should call the endocrinologist and ask questions. At the moment, my focus is on being at my son’s football game tomorrow morning. That’s the only focus for now. My sister-in-law is taking the girls to dance for me.

I know my mother-in-law has big plans to go shopping for a new kitchen table for us, which is just so nice, but I don’t want to see her spend the money that she wants to spend. I have two ways to look at it. Her son doesn’t make a lot of money in their family business and we are living paycheck to paycheck. I keep hearing how it’s going to get better…for years. I know we can’t afford to replace the table now and I also know how much she has bought for her daughters. I shouldn’t feel guilty that she wants to do something nice. Her heart is in the right place, and at least this time she’s letting me choose the set (a nice step from when she showed up with all white furniture for a home with three kids, three cats, and a big black dog).

We just found one for half the price at Raymour & Flanigan that I liked just as much. She’s concerned that the one she found at Basset was heavier and will last forever. I’m not even sure I’m going to be up for this tomorrow. Like I said, first things first, I need to make it to my son’s big game.

I’m saying my prayers now that he has a great game. His confidence is increasing now that he’s further understanding the game, but I’d love to hear the announcer call his name for a tackle. His last tackle, they just announced the kid who got tackled and I know he was so disappointed (usually they say both names). If I had one wish, other than a team win, it would be for him to have some sort of special moment. Even a small one would mean the world to him.

I’m off to try and sleep. Wish me luck!

Toes Aren’t Supposed to Cause More Pain than Labor

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I had a brilliant idea. I was going to dress up as a crazy cat lady tonight. I pinned stuffed cats all over a bathrobe, threw my hair in rollers, put on my slippers and off I went…well after I spent about 30 minutes doing “Elsa” makeup and zombie makeup.

The evening started out really well. We went to a neighborhood get-together and then went trick or treating. The houses in our neighborhood are fairly far apart and some have driveways that have large hills. I didn’t realize it until we got home that my feet were completely swollen. Perhaps slippers weren’t my brightest idea. The did have sole, though, so I thought I’d be fine.

The I tried to get into bed and it started. You know that feeling you have right before you calf is going to knot. Like the kind of knots that wake you from a sound sleep? It felt very much like that but for my little toe and the one next to it. I dropped to the floor and grabbed my foot. The only way I could stop the pain was to hold the toes and pressing them in toward the foot. If I moved them away, it cramped them up again.

Twenty five minutes of hell. My sweet son got out of bed to get me ice and take care of me. I ended up deciding that heat would feel better. I didn’t want to scare him, but dammit, I was scared. It’s not often that labor breathing comes into play for toe pain, but It was awful. I suppose it wasn’t a great idea in the cold with slippers, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything like this. Anyone else?

I took a full Ambien tonight just to try and get to sleep. My hands are also ice cold. Did I mention I hate cold weather??

Happy Halloween…oh by the way, my kids had a blast and that’s what really mattered. My “Elsa” went door to door announcing that she was going to build a snowman for people and singing Let It Go. My older daughter and her BFF walked around together and had so much fun. The BFF’s younger sister had me cracking up. She’s two and I think she might be a handful at times, but she is so darn cute. I loved listening to her talk. She was so adorable.

See..there were some high points of the evening.

 

Yes, Arthritis I Know It’s Cold

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Truth be told, I haven’t been in much pain at all lately. I mean, I have pain in different areas and I have my migraines, but with the exception of my hands, I haven’t really been in terrible pain. Tonight my rheumatoid arthritis reminded me that it was still there. I’m in terrible pain tonight and for the first time ever, it’s my the left side of my body. I usually have significant hip pain on the right, but early this evening my left foot started hurting. Within two hours I could hardly put weight on it and my left knee is also hurting.

I can’t even find a comfortable position laying in bed.I tried elevating my leg and then the knee got stiff in that position. It’s like I can’t win. It hurts when I move it, but when I don’t move it for a while it gets even more stiff. I suppose this is the beginning of the cold weather season. I have already decided that when things get bad I’m going to go back on the Plaquenil. I feel like it was more helpful than I originally thought. I want to ask whether it’s something I can take for the winter and go off in the summer when my pain is much more manageable.

I’m not even trying to be pain free at this point. I don’t remember what that feels like, but my pain level is significantly less in the warm weather. My heating pad and electric blanket are already getting a lot of use and it’s only like 50 degrees. I’ve turned into a big wimp!

And to make matters worse, my daughter has a kid sleeping over tonight that is driving me over the edge. She has said my house is too small, my car is too messy, and she told my younger daughter that my older daughter was “forced to let her move in when she was born.” That was a little knock to the fact that they share a room, but it made my younger daughter cry. I ordered pizza and she announced, “I don’t eat pizza with just cheese. You’ll have to make me something else or change the order.”

When I told her to stop playing my daughter’s French horn (don’t even get me started on the fact that she brought home the French horn), she said to my daughter, “Are you allowed to have any fun? My mom lets me do anything.” Um…it’s 10:30 at night and I’ve accommodated this kid’s needs. I brought them to the trampoline park, ordered a pizza with broccoli, and suddenly I’m not fun because I don’t want her blowing the French horn at 10:30! Ok, if that makes me not fun…I’m totally not fun. Boy does this sleep over really make me appreciate my daughter’s best friend. When she is here, they play without drama and even include my younger daughter. She is so polite and sweet. I love that kid even more tonight!

In other news, I just learned that Honey Boo Boo was canceled because the mom is accused of dating the convicted child molester that molested her oldest daughter. I realize that whole situation isn’t funny, but can you believe this was big news today? I’m the first to admit I watch some trashy shows; Dance Moms, Kim of Queens, Sister Wives. These are my guilty pleasures, but I don’t expect those shows to ever be big news. There are far too many more important things going on in the world for that to be big news.

My thoughts and prayers are with the students and faculty of the school in Washington, where today there was yet another school shooting. I try never to get political on my blog but at what point are we going to make big changes as a nation? I’m not trying to take away guns from the majority of people who have them, but I do believe that there needs to be stronger laws in place and background checks for people that want guns. I guess I’m of the opinion that in the case of someone with mental illness or a history of violence, those people should be red flagged not to be allowed to own a gun. Will this stop all the school shootings? Of course not, but it’s a step in the right direction.

I read an article that said he was a very well-liked kid who was crushed that a girl wouldn’t date him. The other big problem is as a society we are raising kids that can’t handle rejection. Rejection is a part of life. You don’t go and kill people because someone doesn’t return your feelings. It’s hard for me to hear these things and not go right back to December 14th when my kids were in lockdown because of the Sandy Hook. As a parent, I will never forget that day ever. Sandy Hook school is less than 10 miles from my house and that massacre changed this area forever.

I can never put my kids on a bus and not wonder what if they don’t come back.

 

 

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