Losing Weight with an Autoimmune Disease

Losing weight is hard enough. Ask anyone who has more than a few pounds to lose. It’s not easy. But when you add an autoimmune disease (or two) into the mix, it makes things even more difficult. I have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. I have spent the last two years trying to live my life without putting as much focus on it.

It’s not that I don’t have pain. I do. I have horrific migraines with my fibro trigger points. My fingers and toes are often extremely painful from the RA, as are my neck, hips, back and one knee. But in June I saw a photo of myself and decided this was it. I needed to take charge and do something to take back control of my weight.

I’m SURE the meds factor into my weight, but I’m also sure that the cookies aren’t helping. There is more I can do to help. So I started with 30 minutes of yoga a night. I tried a free 2 weeks of Noom and I went to Target to buy a scale. That may have been the most difficult part. The Noom app wants you to weigh yourself every day and U was truly afraid to step on the scale. And then the next morning I did it. It was awful. It was depressing, but it was also a starting point.

I began logging what I ate, which was something I had tried before and never lasted more than a few days, but I was determined that this time would be different. I was encouraged when in the first week the scale was going down. Okay, it wasn’t by leaps and bounds, but it was going down. And then it stopped. The scale didn’t move for about 5-6 weeks. I was frustrated and ready to give up so I increased my workouts, doing a barre class each day and trying to cut out sweets as much as possible. Just because I was staying within my calories didn’t mean I was eating right.

So I finally got the scale to move and I’ve been feeling encouraged, but do you know what else I’m feeling? Pain. My big toes are in terrible pain. My SI joints feel locked up and I have very little movement and my right hip is in unbearable pain. I don’t know what the right step is. Do I stop and rest? Or do I keep going with lighter workouts? I chose the latter. I’m still doing my online classes but I’m not doing the super hard ones and I’m using modifications. I’m working on being okay with that.

It’s just so hard to have limitations. I never had limitations. I had a strong body and I feel myself getting stronger, but at the same time I know I’m pushing myself and I will soon need to rest. Did I mention it sucks having an autoimmune disease? Finding a balance of activity and rest is no easy task. I’m still figuring it out.

Weight Loss App – Update

So, I’m still going with my three weight loss apps (Noom, Weight Watchers, and MyFitness Pal). I figured I’d also talk about some online workout programs I’m trying since that goes along with my weight loss journey and may help others looking for the right fit.

I’m not going to lie…it’s a pain in the ass to log my meals into three different apps. But, someone I take great pleasure to log my exercise into all of the apps. I had some frustration with Noom early on, which prompted me to try the others, but in fairness, I was staying within my calories but also eating Oreos and crap. That might have been a contributing factor to why things weren’t moving.

I’ll again start with the positives.

Noom: I still find it easy to log my food. I learned that you can enter a recipe and then divide it up by portions. I was trying to figure that out on my own and winging it, which was likely way off. So that is helpful. It’s a little time-consuming to enter all the ingredients, but it works. If you choose a recipe from Noom, all the info is entered for you. I’ve tried two recipes and they have been decent. I’m making crab cakes from Noom tomorrow. I’ll keep you posted.

I have a little more trouble when I cook without a recipe, which is often. I’m Italian. My people don’t use recipes! We throw stuff together and it’s delicious. So I do end up entering it all manually and estimating how much I’m using. My coach would not approve.

The other positive is I really get to see what is a good choice vs a poor choice. It’s clear with their green, yellow, and red categories. You can have each, but you try and stay within a certain amount of calories per day in yellow and red. It’s fairly simple to follow. I also like the alerts if I forget to log something. I need the reminders nagging me to do stuff.

Weight Watchers: This program is easy to follow as well. There are a lot of foods that are zero points so you can fill up on fruit and vegetables to satisfy your hunger. There have been a few days that I have not finished my points. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. I don’t have the plan with a coach or meetings. I’m trying to be as cost-effective as possible. The calorie range on all three apps is 1,200.

Weight Watchers has a lot of recipes and there are a lot of recipes online that give you the points. That definitely makes things easy. It’s also easy to enter your exercise and there are a lot more choices of exercises. For instance, I do Xtend Barre and there are barre workouts in Weight Watchers, where there are not in Noom.

I like that WW tracks my fitness minutes for the week. I can be impressed with myself and feel productive.

My Fitness Pal: This app has a lot more information about what you are eating, which is very interesting. It breaks down by carbs, protein, etc. It can go further and tell you which of the foods you logged are the best and worst for you, and it allows you to set daily goals. You can also track the time you are eating to see if you notice changes in your hunger if you are eating earlier or later. This app also tracks water, which for me is a huge plus. I’m terrible at remembering to drink my water and although I can log it in the other apps, it doesn’t track the ounces in the same way as MyFitness Pal. It’s a separate section to make sure you are drinking enough water.

With the paid version you get more features including the ability to upload your progress information to your computer. That’s not important to me, but it could be for you.

The negatives:

Noom: I don’t know how to say this nicely. I’m annoyed with my coach. I wanted my coach to offer suggestions. Instead, she says things like, “Do you have effective ways of measuring portions for your sweets?” And when I said that I’m not good at that because I really have trouble just having one and that’s my issue. She wrote back, “Do you have any other ideas?” Ummm…I kind of thought YOU might have some ideas for me because I paid a lot of money for some help not just for you to ask me what the hell I’m going to do to figure out how to eat fewer cookies. I’ve been less than impressed with the coaching aspect, and honestly, that’s one of the reasons I joined.  The “group” that you are entered into when you join is another story. That is a very supportive place with people who all started at the same time as you, who are in the same point of the program. I have gotten more support there than I have from the coach.

Aside from that, I’m happy with the program. The daily things to read and do are sometimes too much. Sometimes they are helpful and you get some good tips and learn some scientifically based things. It’s interesting. Other times, it’s not super interesting.

 

Weight Watchers: I’m not signed up in any kind of group so I do miss the support from people that I have in Noom. To make up for that though, there is a Facebook group for WW, so I can make that work there and get my questions answered. At times it’s a little awkward to enter the food. I feel like I have to back and forth to be in the right place to enter meals. Maybe it’s just me, but it happens daily, so it’s a bit annoying at the start of each new day to find where I’m logging food.

I worry that I can eat too much on WW because of the zero point thing. Like what if I ate 15 pears? Or 15 bananas? That’s a lot of sugar. I don’t claim to understand it yet, but it’s not keto and I can eat fruit, so I’m good. I’m still trying to eat 2-3 fruits a day and not 15.

My Fitness Pal: I can see why people love this app due to the amount of info it tracks, but it takes a lot out of my life to enter the food. It’s just not as easy to enter the amount of food. Not everything is by tsp, tbsp, cup, etc. It can be by ounces and grams. That’s annoying. I don’t feel I’m accurate because of this. I’m not always in a place where I can measure.

There are a lot of exercises to add in this app, but many are listed singularly. Like back extensions. I mean I guess that would be great if I was going to the gym and track my sets, but right now and for the foreseeable future, I’m working out at home doing videos and weights.

I’m also using a few different workout apps. I have Beachbody, OpenFit, and YogaBurn. I like them all. I don’t use all of the workouts so I have to evaluate what I’m paying for. YogaBurn is workouts in 15-minute segments that you do 2-3 times. I prefer a 30-minute workout that doesn’t repeat, but her workout is very good.

With Beachbody, I do the 21-Day Fix and their yoga programs. I did the 3-week yoga retreat. If you are new to yoga, I highly recommend it. OpenFit…where to I begin. I have been doing Xtend Barre almost daily and I have a love/hate relationship with it. It looks easy. It’s not! There are some days I want to die and I have to stop for a minute, but then I keep going. The truth is, I really like it. The instructor (I feel terrible that I can’t think of her name but it’s 1AM and I’ll remember it for my next blog) is very upbeat…maybe a little too upbeat sometimes, but I feel like I accomplished something when I am done. My first week I thought I might die. Three weeks in, I’m doing much better. I still sometimes cheat and put my arms down or my heels down, but I need to do that less and less.

The truth is I like them all. For me, I like to have a choice. I have rheumatoid arthritis and some days, I can’t do Xtend Barre, and I need to just do a yoga stretching day. I’ve had about 4 of those. Other days I do more of a flow yoga or power yoga where you hold the poses and it’s hard. I like to mix it up.

My biggest success so far isn’t that I’m down 9lbs (because I don’t feel like I look any different AT ALL), it’s that I have worked out every day for the past 3 weeks without missing a workout. That’s huge for me. Take the baby steps! We can do this!

Send me a message or comment on my Facebook page. Let me know what app you’re using and why you like it. Recommend a workout, too!

 

Weight Loss App Review

As you may know, I’m on my weight loss journey and it’s been a long road. I’ve tried some quick fixes and they’ve failed. I tried the whole life coach thing and then my world got thrown upside down with my step-mother’s cancer battle coming to an end and me needing to focus all of my energy on her and my dad.

Anyway, my point is right now I’m focusing on me and I have been for the past few weeks. I started by trying Noom. I figured, it had a coach…that would keep me accountable. I need that.

My first two weeks went really well. The fact that I logged all of my meals consistently was a miracle. I have never been able to do that ever. I owe that in part to the part send me reminders. Reminders are amazing when you are a busy mom of three trying to do contract work. But…then things hit a snag and the scale stopped moving…for weeks. I then really felt like I was failing and if the scale wasn’t moving why was I trying so hard…so I ate cookies and crap.

Then about 2 weeks ago I regained my focus. I have been working out once a day with an exercise video from OpenFit. I’ve been doing Xtend Barre. I’m fairly sure the woman teaching is trying to kill me. I started with all of the signature series. In hindsight, I maybe should have done shit in order, but that’s no fun. I really don’t like her during the class, but I feel so darn accomplished when I’m done, even if I can’t do everything.

Then I would jump in the pool to cool off and do some swimming. I suck at swimming so my idea of swimming is some laps holding onto a noodle. But again, it’s more than I was doing sitting on the couch working. And, now I end the day with yoga and stretching with Beachbody. I don’t do anything too difficult. It’s more to stretch and unwind. You may remember I have rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. This means recovery after a workout is not always easy. The stretching seems to help.

By now you’re thinking…get to the damn point! I’m here! I thought to myself, what if there is a better app for me? So I decided to give three a whirl and see which I like best and I’m going to keep track over the next two weeks and let you know.

I am doing Noom, Weight Watchers, and MyFitnessPal. Let’s start with the positives:

Noom: I like that there is a coach, but I’m not sure I like my coach. I was super frustrated when my scale hadn’t moved in 6 weeks and she told me I had to readjust my expectations. My expectations are that I’m going to lose a freakin pound or more in 6 weeks. That’s not a lot to ask. Aside from that, she does want to set weekly goals, and we’re just starting with that so I’ll keep you posted. My biggest issue at the moment is sugar. I can’t have one cookie. I keep going back because I know there are more cookies. So we are writing a goal for that tomorrow.

I like that there is a group. People share their ups and downs and you can encourage others and receive encouragement and ideas. I’m not a people person, so the whole online people thing appeals to me. I can “online people.”

Food is easy to track and as I mentioned there are reminders to track things. There is about 5-10 minutes of things to read each day. Some things are better than others, but they want you to learn the psych stuff about why you are eating and what you can do to change habits. I get that and it’s interesting.

Weight Watchers: Truth be told, I know nothing of the program. I have 23 points per day and some weekly points. Some days I have trouble reaching 23, other days not so much. I like that if you are making a weight watchers recipe you can just search for it and log it in super easy rather than type out all the ingredients like you need to do with Noom. I also get “fit points” each week based on my exercise. I’m not exactly sure what to do with those yet, but I’ll keep you posted. WW is easy to log in weight, food, and exercise.

MyFitnessPal: There are some definitely plusses and minuses with this one. Food is a little more difficult to enter because you must figure out what your portion is. There is measuring involved and I’m not sure I have time for that. That being said, it does give me a breakdown so I know what percentage of carbs, protein, and fats I’m getting each day. It also breaks down the macros. I don’t know about macros yet…I’ll work on that for the next post. I like that this app subtracts your exercise calories from your daily calories. I still try and keep it around 1200, but I feel a little better when I go over.

This app seems to also have more exercise programs built-in. In other words, I can put in barre and a few different kinds of barre workouts come up. With Noom I need to put Custom and a medium intensity workout. I feel like that app might be a bit more exact. You can also set that up with reminders and there are a lot more things you can do with the paid version. I didn’t want to pay for anything else (I already paid for Noom and I’m paying monthly for WW). If I decide I like that one best, I’ll cancel WW.

So, I’ve used all three apps for a week. I’ve lost 3 pounds. I’m starting to feel encouraged again. I am on a real mission to take this weight off. The fact that I have stayed on a schedule to exercise and logged in all of my food daily is HUGE for me. It’s progress. I’ll keep you posted. I’d love to hear which weight loss apps you like best!

 

 

 

 

So the Diet…

I had my checkup today. There is good news and bad. The good news is that my bloodwork came back decent this time around. A few months ago my kidney function was off and it had me stressed out, but that was back to normal. My doctor reminded me that I really need to be diligent about drinking my water.

The bad news…I did 6 weeks of food coaching and I’m fatter. I thought I lost weight. I’m in a smaller size of jeans! So I was mildly devastated. I know this past week has not been my best. I ate rice pudding twice at the hospital. I had a scone and a blueberry muffin. I had pizza. We were eating out of the hospital cafeteria and I could have made better choices.

I definitely have not made time to exercise and quite honestly, making time for my kids and sleep are higher on the list right now. I need to try and get back on track despite everything that’s going on.

Then there is the RA piece. At my physical this afternoon, I told my doctor that my RA has really been okay. Now a few hours later my hips are killing me. They are really stiff. I haven’t had this in a long time. I’m sure the stress is adding to it, but I’m going to see how it is tomorrow before I take an Alleve.

Who knew at 47 I’d have all these health issues. My health coach wanted me to start thinking more positively, or even less negatively. She said I don’t have to lie to myself, but I need to stop being mean to myself, too. I am disappointed that I didn’t lose weight, but I’ll start from here and I think I need to weigh myself daily. I hate seeing the number, but maybe it will keep me from gaining more. Maybe I’ll think twice before eating something delicious HAHA.

And…my German Shepherd ate a half a tray of lasagna tonight so I don’t have to worry about finishing that. I love him, but he is a jackass today.

Can’t We All Just Get Along?

It’s been a long weekend. My older daughter had a dance competition both Friday and Saturday night. Today, I went grocery shopping and did some cleaning. My daughter has a friend sleeping over because tomorrow is a snow day. It seemed to be a nice evening and then all hell broke loose. We asked my son to get off the XBox so his sister and her friend could use the tv. He had been on it for a few hours and enough was enough. He stalled and was rude about it.

My husband told him to get off of it and my son went into his room, slamming the door. That didn’t sit well with my husband who went in there screaming. I’m trying to shut everyone up because we had company. It turned into my husband wanting to shut my son’s phone off for life, my son wanting to call 911 because my husband shoved him into our bedroom to talk (because he didn’t want to be yelling in the hallway). They both over-reacted. I don’t know how to fix their relationship. I actually don’t even think I can.

Was my son rude? Absolutely! Should he have a consequence? Definitely! Would I handle things the way my husband does? Probably not. We are very different people. The two of them are oil and water. My son takes everything my husband says and twists it around into my husband picking on him and hating him. It crushes my husband inside. My husband is a terrible communicator. I know he tries his best, but he doesn’t do emotion that well. My son is like me. He’s over-emotional. I wish I knew what to do. I backed my husband up because my son was definitely wrong and no matter how many times he said that he didn’t mean to slam the door, I don’t buy it.

On another note, I’m blowing my diet. I was doing really well and then yesterday at the competition I saw a photo of myself. I wanted to cry. It was like all my hard work and the fact that my clothes were feeling loose didn’t matter. All I saw was huge. Today I ate like 10 coconut clusters. I don’t even want to admit this to my health coach. I should, though. I’m a damn failure at everything. The only good news is that I ate everything between 12-8 so at least I stuck to that.

I just wanted something sweet and then I couldn’t stop. I guess that’s sugar addiction. I just need to stop sugar all together. I think that’s the only way this will work. I have to pick up the pieces and keep trying. My doctor’s appointment is a month from today and I wanted to be 140 or lower. I need to do this. I will re-group and start again tomorrow. Send prayers. I need all the help I can get. And, if anyone has any parenting suggestions, I’ll take them!

 

Pain…On Purpose

I’ve been feeling ugly a lot lately. Every time I see a photo I either cry that I’m fat or ugly. My smile has been getting to me. I had braces when I was a teen but I hadn’t worn a retainer since I graduated high school and everything shifted, especially in the last 15 years. I’ve been embarrassed. So I decided I’d do something about it.

I tried ordering one of those Smile Direct kits and was very excited as I did the molds and sent them back. Then they said I needed to do more. Then again. Then again. Then they said I couldn’t do any more and I needed to go to a “Smile Center” but there isn’t one anywhere close to me. Also within that time I panicked after reading reports that things can go wrong without an orthodontist checking your teeth.

I decided a higher power was telling me that since it wasn’t working out, I should try to do Invisalign through the orthodontist. They gave me a good price since my kids already go there and I decided I do this for myself. I was a little put off though yesterday to learn that I needed to have things stuck to my teeth for the liners to cling to. I was kind of hoping when I took them off it wouldn’t be noticeable. Again…going back to being embarrassed. But here I am. I’m all in.

It’s day 2. My gums hurt like freakin hell from the edge of the aligners. My teeth are sore, but the good news is every now and then I can take them out and have a break. They are supposed to be on for like 22 hours a day. The girl at the orthodontist said she wears hers for about 20. I’m shooting for 21. She promised me if I stuck it out the first week it would get easier. Lord, I hope she’s right. I hate having any kind of sore in my mouth and the inside of my cheek is cut and my gum. It hurts.

I guess it will be worth it in a year. I will keep reminding myself that I’m doing this for me. I just now need to stop eating like a pig and lose weight for me. I just have a lot of my mind and I’m eating from stress.

I applied for a writing job on Tuesday and had to do a 1.5 hour test, writing an article at am 8th grade level and then modifying it to 3rd grade level. Then they had me do an editing sample. It was a lot of 1.5 hours. I think I did okay but would have done a lot better with 2 hours.

So far for the last two night I have dreamt that I did not get it. Actually the first night I dreamt that someone else didn’t get the job and I was sad for them. Last night I dreamt that I go an email that I didn’t get it. So I’m less confident. It would be a really fun job to have though and it’s 20 hours a week.

In the meantime, I’m still applying. My book job is done on June 15th and I’m trying to line something else up. I feel like I want to write more than edit, which is different for me. The last job writing for the educational company really was so much fun. I found that I enjoyed the revision process and making it better.

I just need a chance. The woman that I do the books for is tough. Last year was not stellar and I accept responsibility for that. I was dealing with the fact that I might have breast cancer and trying to proof the book by myself because they cut my budget so much. I’m not sure they really understand the amount of work it takes to do these books. It’s tough to do with the current budget but it’s kind of a catch 22. I know I’m worth so much more. I know they don’t have anyone who knows how to do the database. I don’t think anyone would do it for that price. Yet, I don’t want to lose the work.

Is this why women get paid less? We don’t want to lose work we like? We would rather keep work that makes us happy than ask for more money and fear losing it altogether? I have tough many times about handing the files back in June and saying, if you’re interested in doing the next edition with me, let’s talk early because I have other projects I’m working on and will need to see if I can fit it in. I need them to know I have choices and then can say, it’s not enough. But I need to actually HAVE choices.

It’s not difficult work, though. I enjoy it and it’s very flexible. This is why I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’d welcome any advice because I’ve been stuck here for the past 3 years unable to make a decision. Help!!

 

Blogging Is Hard

 

I’ve written about 10 blogs since my last post. Most were about how hellish it was waiting for my genetic testing results. I decided they were all too boring and never posted them because I was whining. They told me the tests would take 3–5 weeks and I tried to be optimistic, which is not my strong point. I told myself I’d get the call in 3 weeks…then 4…then 5. Then I called to see if there was a problem, but nope. They just weren’t back yet.

Seven weeks later I got the call while I was teaching a class but I saw it was the hospital and answered it anyway. Happily I can report that my genetic testing is fine. I did not have the BRCA gene mutations or any of the other mutations they tested for. This was a HUGE relief.

I attributed my horrific anxiety to the waiting. Though I can’t say it was on my mind all the time, I figure subconsciously it was adding stress. I was waking up with panic attacks and that panic feeling would last all day unless I took a Xanax. I tried everything. Running (well as much as a girl with rheumatoid arthritis can run) did help.

I have one of those Couch to 5K apps and though I’m at a point where the running intervals are too long for me, I still keep going , or at least I was until the last two weeks. We’ve had temperatures over 90 every day and running doesn’t even remotely sound like fun. Instead, I spend 30 minutes swimming laps (again…RA girl, not a strong swimmer, sometimes with a damn pool noodle but kicking my legs the whole time and moving my arms). It’s enough to get my heart rate up and I’m doing something.

Even with that and the relief of my genetic testing news, I’m still struggling with my anxiety. I’ll hear the smallest thing and that will be it. Or sometimes it’s nothing specific and it will just come on out of nowhere.

I’ve been into my essential oils. I don’t want any of my doTerra friends to jump on me here because I love my doTerra oils, but I’m a broke girl…I found a few blends online that I have been diffusing that I think have really helped with my anxiety and they are like $4. I do think there is a correlation between scent and the mind. It doesn’t take the anxiety away, but it helps me.

My vent of the evening is probably one most people have at the moment. Have you had enough of people arguing politics on Facebook, Twitter, etc.? I try to stay out of it. Our country is in a scary place right now and I try and listen with an open mind when people talk. I can’t stand people who are so far in either direction that they can’t have a conversation and listen to someone else’s views. If that’s you, you are part of the problem. We need to get back to being able to listen and disagree without all hell breaking loose.

The Internet changed that for us. Memes changed that for us. We never had Bush/Clinton?Perot memes, but boy some of those would have been funny.

I have one Facebook friend who endlessly posts anti-Muslim things. I try to understand where it’s coming from and it’s a place of fear. She’s afraid for herself, her family, her country. I understand the fear. I don’t understand blaming an entire religion when we have many Muslim Americans fighting in our military against ISIS.

I don’t know that I’ve ever been political on this blog. I’ll probably get a slew of mean comments, and I guess that’s okay. People have their strong beliefs on what needs to be done. I’m one of those people that is somewhere in the middle. I think we have two crappy choices and need to decide who will be the lesser of the evils.

Maybe they are both great people. I am just not sure I think someone who gets into a 7 or tweet Twitter war with a celebrity in charge of when we declare war. On the flip side, there are huge trust issues with Hillary and I’m not sure she brings the kind of strong arm protection we need as a country right now.

What I’m trying to say is I have no freakin idea and I’m going to watch each and every debate. But anyone who thinks they are changing someone’s opinion with a meme on Facebook, I’m sorry. You are making yourself feel better about your decisions. That’s all.

So RA? How’s that? Well me sed rate is down. My C reactive protein is down so all that is good. Overall I feel well. It’s the summer. I do better in the warmth. I can swim, which helps. I have had a few days of stiffness and pain where I’ve needed some pain medication, but very little more than muscle relaxers and Alleve. I’m counting my blessings and taking the reprieve from the intense pain for as long as I can.

I hope my autoimmune friends are all doing well too!

 

Motherhood: The Perpetual State of PMS

Well, ok motherhood doesn’t come with bloating, but the emotional highs and lows of being a mom closely resemble my hormonal change during the month. I won’t lie. I’ve always been that person that gets overcome with emotion and cries thinking about a moment. What someone put into something; what it must feel like; etc.

My children mock me because I cry at every one of their events from First Communions to dance recitals, to football banquets. It’s jut a known family fact that if my kids are doing something special, in all likelihood I will cry. I tell them it’s my God-given right as a mother.

Today my oldest daughter, who is 11, had a recital with her vocal coach. She is my shy kid. It’s not easy for her to get up in front of people and she panics. When she panics, I panic for her. I decided in the car the other day that I’m like an empath. I take on other people’s feelings. I’ll get back to that in a moment.

Last year was the first year she sang alone and she did fantastic. She completely broke down during intermission and didn’t think she could do it, which then had me on edge wondering if she was truly going to be able to do it and what we’d do if she ran off or it didn’t go well. I wasn’t going to let her back out because I knew she could do it, and I knew she had the talent. There is no way I’d force her to sing in front of an audience if she wasn’t really ready to do so.

This year she shocked me and chose a song that was really hard. It switched keys in the beginning and switched octaves later on. The good news was she was singing BEFORE intermission this time. She would get it over with and not have to panic for the entire recital.

I dropped her off to warm up and my younger daughter and I went to a few stores to kill some time. I ended up buying my daughter a bracelet that says, “She Believed She Could, So She Did.” It’s a struggle to get my daughter to believe in herself. I wanted to get her something to remind herself that she needs to remember she has the strength inside to do whatever she sets her mind to.

As I stood in the store choosing the bracelet in tears (again), my younger daughter who does not sugar coat said, “Mom, pull yourself together.” (She’s 9.) I was blessed with my youngest daughter for a reason. She challenges me a lot and will likely be the cause of all of my gray hair, but she make me laugh like no one else can, and she says exactly what she thinks which is mighty refreshing.

I popped a half a Xanax when we got to the concert, don’t judge. I did okay through her groups numbers, but the solo killed me and I cried the whole time. Oh I tried to cry quietly, but apparently I made everyone in the rows across from me cry because they were watching me cry. But, my daughter sang beautifully and I was so proud.

Later we went to dinner and once again my kids were asking why I cry so much at events and I think my son was wondering if I cry in particular at his events. I’ll admit I don’t cry during football at this point. I cried the first time his name was announced. I cry at the banquets when the coach is speaking about him, but he doesn’t always catch those moments. My son has been struggling to find his place in the world of sports. He desperately wants to be a great baseball and football player and maybe he will be, but right now he’s just okay. But when it comes to golf, the kid is amazing.

I turned the subject to golf and said, “Well someday when you’re playing at the Master’s, I’ll be at the side of the putting green sobbing while you’re trying to make a very important putt.” I also asked if he’d wear pants with flamingos on them if he was going to be a professional golfer but I was completely shot down on that.

My kids are all kind of finding their own way and it’s a good thing, but they are getting big and it’s just a new phase for us. My son does baseball, football and golf. My oldest daughter was just offered a spot on a dance team, and my youngest has moved away from dance and found a great love of gymnastics. Honestly, I could care less what they pursue as long as they are active and happy.

Back to the empath issue. When I was driving the other day I was thinking about a friend that was going through a difficult situation. Immediately I can put myself into her shoes (as much as possible) and feel that devastation to the point of almost a depression. It can also go the other way. When a friend has a wonderful success, my feeling of happiness and joy for them is very intense, like I can feel the joy they have inside. I decided I’m an empath and that’s not a good thing.

It causes me to have some highs and lows that really have nothing to do with me. Do I sound crazy enough yet? Eh…it’s a blog. If I’m crazy, I’m crazy. At least I’m honest about it.

In other news, I’m down 20lbs. I still look terrible and heavy, but I’m down two pant sizes. I need to be down two more before I’ll really celebrate, but it’s a start. I was gaining 2-3 pounds per week with the medicines I was on for chronic pain, rheumatoid arthritis, anxiety and birth control.

I am off meds for chronic pain, and yes…I’m in pain. No Alleve doesn’t fix it, but moving often helps. I hate when people tell me that, but for me it has helped. My neck has been pretty bad lately and that’s been tough, but other than that I’ve really been okay. As I mentioned in a previous blog the anxiety has been rough.

My new combo of meds is allowing me to lose some weight, though. So for that I’m thrilled. I have a lot of work to do, but I’ll just keep walking/moving/jogging and cutting down on late night eating, which is darn hard when you’re an insomniac. I get hungry at 2AM!

So I’m going to try and sleep before I get up and eat something.

 

 

Anxiety Sucks

My past few weeks have been filled with a lot of panic attacks and anxiety. Actually I’m not sure they are panic attacks, but they are what I’d consider panic attacks. I get this feeling  of anxiety, a little tightness in my chest, I feel like my heart rate is fast, but it isn’t, and I just find myself unable to calm down even with deep breathing.

Kind of sounds like a heart attack when I write it out that way, but at the moment I need to stay off WebMD. I know it’s anxiety. I have had a lot on my plate. I worry a lot in general. I stick my foot in my mouth quite often and deal with the repercussions, which require a significant amount of my time stressing about how to deal with things.

I worry about my kids. Am I doing enough? Am i doing too much? What am I doing wrong? My son has been downright nasty lately. Maybe you can say it’s that he’s almost 13 and that’s typical, but dear lord. He walks in the house and immediately starts being nasty to my youngest daughter. He goes out of his way to be mean.

He argues with me constantly because clearly it’s my fault that he’s in special education for a reading disability and he wants me to tell the school he doesn’t need to go anymore. And he just won’t let things go. EVER! He will talk about something until you want to give in…that’s the plan, I think. But I don’t fall for it.

He recently went off his ADHD medicine and I’m beginning to think this was a bad decision. I feel like it’s adding to his behavior issues. I don’t want to be constantly arguing with him or telling him to calm down. He’s an amazing kid. One on one, he’s so awesome, but he’s so freakin selfish. I just don’t get it.

If his sister’s get to do anything, he gets angry and needs to do something better. He does a LOT! We may not be rich, but we do a lot for our kids to be able to do the sports they want and activities, etc. Out trip to Disney almost sent me over the edge. Any time his sisters wanted to go on a ride he didn’t want to go. If he wanted to go on something then the group could be happy and have fun, but if he was miserable, we all were miserable.

I need to talk to someone about it, or bring him back to therapy because I am at my wit’s end. It’s adding to my stress, but certainly not all of it.

I feel like in my 40s I shouldn’t be worrying about childish games that girls play, but some people never grow up. The gossip and nastiness never ends. It’s not one thing in particular, but rather a general feeling of no longer being included. There is a part of me that’s really okay because even I know I don’t fit in. I’m far from the cool kid, HAHA. But I guess it’s that I don’t know what I did that’s bugging me.

What I’ve decided is to handle it differently than usual. I need to look at people for who they are. I have a lot of really terrific people in my life. I may not be that person who goes out every weekend and posts pics all over FB drinking with my friends, but I have friends that make me laugh, smile, and that I know have my back as I have theirs.

So back to the anxiety…I think that with everything going on it’s this breaking point and at random points through the day my body just says, “ok I’m done, you need to stop now.” I don’t like medicine, but I have been taking a half of a Xanax when I need it. It helps takes that edge off and then I use my breathing and some essential oils. I won’t push those on anyone, but I’m starting to use them and I think for certain things they do help me.

I’m not crazy trying to cure everything with them, but headaches, relaxation, stress, sore muscles, etc., they work pretty well.

My only good news (other than my friend from my last blog is doing magnificent and is already home from the hospital) is that I think the change in medication has finally allowed me to start losing weight. I was gaining anywhere between 1-3 pounds per week for over a year. Nothing I did would stop it. I exercised like a maniac. Tried every diet plan…everything. I was eating under 1000 calories a day and wouldn’t lose a pound.

A few months after a medication switch I’m finally seeing the weight come off. I am down 20lbs since November, but 10lbs since February. This is huge for me. I couldn’t get the scale to move forever.

I’m also feeling well enough to lightly walk and jog on the treadmill. I’m slow as hell. I’m lucky is I can jog for 3 minutes, but I keep going and I feel pretty good. I was so diligent before we left for Disney and I need to get back to it. My FitBit was keeping me accountable. I’ll get back on track tomorrow, though I’m sure I’ll be going backward in stamina.

Anyway, this blog was all over the place. That’s how scattered I’ve been. Maybe I have ADHD. I’m old and crotchety and I think in my old age I am less tolerant of people who are fake. I don’t have time. I am working hard to surround myself with happy people. It’s not easy letting go of friends that have been around for a while, but let me tell you, Facebook has this new acquaintance feature. It’s fabulous!

You can list your friends as acquaintances and choose not to share things with acquaintances. I decided I didn’t need the people that I don’t really see or talk with to have access to my posts, pictures, etc. I’m not deleting them. They can see my comments, etc. just not every post. I LOVE that! It’s helping me not be an unfriending bitch while still keeping things private from those with whom I question their trust.

I’ll try not to be so scattered next time!!

 

 

Working Out and Feeling Bad

Usually I feel good after a workout, but I started working out harder yesterday and today. I’m paying for it now. I used heavier weights than usual, and my trapezius muscles are as tight as a drum and I feel a headache coming on. I’ve had a long few weeks. Work has been very busy. I have to honestly say that I love my job. Being able to help families of children with special needs is a blessing. I find that I get as much out of it as they do.

There’s just something about winning a war with a school district that doesn’t want to give a child appropriate services that makes me feel so good. It doesn’t always work out that way. I had a PPT end very badly two weeks ago with the school stating that autism was a medical diagnosis and was not impacting the child’s ability at school. But this week I had a mom who has really been put through the wringer.

I am happy to say we left that PPT happier than I expected. When things like that happen, it makes me feel that I’m truly making a difference for these kids. It’s also a good break from my own life and my chronic illnesses.

I’m in a lot of pain tonight. Some of it is from my workout. That’s the good pain. The rest is my fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis…that is bad pain. My sacro-illiac joint is so painful right now I could scream. I took some Alleve and I’m hoping it helps. I also have one of those heat patches on my neck/shoulders to try and loosen them up.

I’ve also been having the strangest pain in my inner thigh. Of course my mind jumps straight to blood clot, though I’m sure it’s no big deal. I just feel like I’m falling apart. I look the worst I’ve ever looked and it’s depressing. I have the puppy, who encourages me to walk more, but when we did our long walk with the hills, my back, hip, and feet took two days to recover. Here’s the problem…everyone is saying that if I do it more often it won’t hurt as much. But is that really true?

I have worked out several days in a row and then my pain gets worse, not better. My body needs time to recover. So I am doing my Beachbody videos and walking, but I’m alternating the videos so as not to work out in the same way each day. I’m also going to try and do a little more yoga for my SI joint. Stretching is the only thing that helps, though it’s terribly painful.

The bright spot in my week is my puppy. Oh my goodness, he’s adorable. We had our first socialization class tonight and let’s just say he’s social. He was romping around trying to play with the other puppies and then he and one other lab puppy really seemed to enjoy playing together. I’m trying to be conscious of training with this guy, because our other dog really hates men and barks a lot at people. My kids were so young when we got here, I didn’t have the time for socialization like this…and I hadn’t done a whole hell of a lot of reading on it.

She’s not a bad dog, but she does have some issues. My little guy was one of the youngest in the class and the biggest puppy there. I don’t think I realized how big he was until I saw him playing with a black lab that was a week older than him. His feet looked so huge compared to hers.

I have the kids home all week next week for spring break. I’m trying to plan a few things so I’m not going nuts. I still have to work on Wednesday and Friday and my daughter is having a re-do of her birthday sleep over this Sunday. I need to get some rest before that, but luckily the quietest of the girls are able to come. The two wild ones are away for spring break…darn.

I’m hoping that tomorrow is a better day in terms of pain level. it’s so bad i didn’t even know which part to use the heat patch on. My wrist is also terrible. I feel like I’m 90 years old. I will stick to an easy walk tomorrow if it’s not raining. I’m sure the cold and rain aren’t helping things. Still waiting for spring to arrive. At this rate I’ll be using my heated blanket until July.